Original subtitles

(telephone rings)

(ring)

(British accent) Hello, Fran Reeves interiors.

Can I help you?

Hold on one moment.

I'll see if Fran Reeves is available. Thank you.

♪ Hmm hmm hmm ♪

♪ Hmm hmm hmm hmm ♪

♪ Hmm hmm hmm ♪

(beep)

(normal voice) Hi, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, you like it? Did I not tell you

light walls make a room bigger

and you smaller.

Oh, no, not that you need it, doll.

I'm home, babe!

Oh, my 2:00 appointment is here.

OK, you're so kind.

Tell a friend, honey, bye.

(beep)

Hi, sweetie!

Muwah! Muwah!

Hello? Mom? Allison?

Anybody home?

Josh! Oh, my God!

What are you dong here? What a surprise! Wait one sec, OK?

That's my son Josh.

Quick, get upstairs.

Why? You did tell him about me, didn't you?

Riley, I'm insulted.

You're the love of my life, but, um‐‐

I'm sweaty, right?

Good! Yes!

You only have one chance to make a first impression.

Go freshen up.

My baby!

Hi, sweetie!

Oh, are you a doctor yet?

Is this a house call?

Is something wrong?

No, no. I'm not a doctor.

Can't a guy just miss his family?

Oh, well, now I know something is wrong.

I mean, I haven't seen much of you

since the divorce.

Yeah, I know you think I sided with dad.

Well, only because you said,

"I'm siding with dad."

I'll show you the e‐mail if ya like.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Oh, no, no, no.

I‐I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Th‐the important thing is is that you're back home

and that's what counts.

Thank you, Mom,

because I have something kind of important to tell you.

And I have something to tell you. You go first.

Oh, no, no, no. You go first.

Hey! What's ass clown doin' here?

Oh, Allison, how did I survive the last two years

without my loving sister's gentle jibes?

By the way, they have drugs now that induce puberty.

OK, knock it off, you two.

Now tell me, Josh, what did you want to say?

Uh, well, there's no easy way to say this,

So, um...

I got kicked out of medical school.

Oh, no! How? What happened?

Well, you know how some guys really thrive under the pressure

whereas others tend to snap after a 72‐hour shift

and chase a smart‐ass male nurse with a bone saw?

Ohh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

So are you OK?

I mean, is there something I can do?

Do you need a doctor?

No, no. I've already been through all that.

The doctor said what I need now

is to relax and regroup in a safe, stress‐free environment.

Joshua, welcome home!

Um, M‐Mom, why is this large man embracing me?

You didn't tell him?

You didn't tell him?

Tell me what?

Oh, Frannie.

Now, we can stand here a point fingers all day,

but the point is he knows now.

I know what?

About mom's boyfriend.

Riley, the contractor.

What?

Ah‐heh!

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

I am sorry you had to find out this way, but I want you to know

I have no intention of replacing your father.

What?

Ya know, because he lives here.

You live here?

Yeah, he sleeps in Mom's bed‐‐

with Mom.

Allison, would you mind going upstairs, please?

Why can't I watch him go mental?

Get upstairs!

Ohh, man!

I know this is disconcerting, Joshua...

Usually, people just call me Josh.

That's cool. You can call me "Ri"

or "R‐Dawg."

Hey‐‐ hey, you hungry?

Let me fix ya a snack.

Thanks, I'm good.

By the way, we have a little soy milk

in the fridge for your irritable bowel syndrome.

What do ya think?

Cute, huh?

Wow, that was awkward.

Ya think?

Oh, sweetie,

it's just a very delicate situation

and I was waiting for the perfect time.

You told all your girlfriends about me after the first date.

Well, if you can't see the difference...

Ya know, in a way, I'm glad this happened.

This'll be good for us.

Ya know, they say that's how you deal with the real problems

that define a relationship.

Ohh. You are the perfect man.

The only thing perfect in this kitchen

is your ass.

Ow!

When you're right, you're right.

Allison, we have...

a situation here.

No, you have a situation here.

I'm fine with it.

You're the one who comes home out of nowhere

and starts judging everybody.

All I wanted to do was come home, relax,

and reconnect with my family.

Ya know, Josh, nobody's stopping ya!

Well, if only it were that easy...

But, uh, why would I expect you to understand?

You're only 15.

Only 15?

My life is not all food courts

and Buffy reruns, ya know?

Au contraire. I am losing my job at IHOP

'cause I won't sleep with the waffle foreman,

suzie collins wants me to forge her parents' signatures

so she can get a boob job,

and if my S.A.T.S don't improve,

I'm gonna end up a 25‐year‐old head case

living with my mom.

How pathetic is that?

(door opens)

Oh! I just had a vision.

I'm gonna end up working at IHOP

and you're gonna have seniority.

I gotta lie down.

What the hell happened to my room?

Isn't it great?

Mom designed it and Riley built it.

That's how they met.

Where's my bed?

I mean, didn't the boy ever learn how to use a telephone?

"Hi, Mom. I got thrown out of medical school

because I had a nervous breakdown

and I'm movin' home tomorrow."

I mean, what's so hard to dial a number?

Unless‐‐ ooh‐‐

he was in a straitjacket.

Hey, it's like he had any warning, either.

He's trying to return to the comfort of the womb

only to discover a total stranger

that his mom's been hiding from him.

I wasn't hiding you.

I was saving you...

Like a surprise.

Ohh, all right, it was a mistake.

Ya know, he had a little murmur when he was a kid.

I should know better.

Well, he's handling it a lot better than I would.

You're different, the house is different,

it's not exactly the comfort zone

he was told to seek out.

Well, what do you think I should do, sweetie?

Well, for starters, maybe you should tell him

that we turned his bedroom into a gym...

And that there's a guy living in his closet.

Aah! Aah!

All right, I think we got that covered...

Well, right now, Fran,

maybe you just need to be his mom.

Ohh, sweetie, you are so right.

I should serve him a home‐cooked dinner.

(sighs)

Giorgio's still delivers, right?

Hey, Mom, is there anybody else living here

that I should know about?

Because this house is starting to look like a clown car.

Oh, I guess you met Duane.

He's cool, isn't he?

I met him at an ozzfest.

You never let me go to Ozzfest.

Well, and rightfully so.

I mean, with your asthma?

You really shouldn't be moshing, sweetie.

W‐what's going on?

You're having new boyfriends,

you're taking in strays.

Listen, Duane is a very talented bass player.

I couldn't just leave him out on the street.

It would be the equivalent of letting Mozart freeze.

OK, who are you?

Oh, sweetie, ya know,

did ya think everything was gonna stay the same?

I mean, things change.

I've changed.

That's what life is about.

You know, mom, there's change like,

"Oh, look, new furniture,

and then there's change like,

oh, new furniture,

and it's sleeping with my mom."

Ohh, sweetie,

you're such a little wreck. Muwah, muwah, muwah!

Ya know what you need?

A fork in my eye?

No. A little soupy.

Now you sound like my mom.

No. Now I sound like my mom.

So, tell me...

What did your father say about all this?

I don't even wanna talk about Dad.

Turns out he's your best friend when you're on the dean's list.

But call him collect from a psych ward, and suddenly he's off‐‐

screwing his nurse.

I was going to say golfing.

Eh, potayto‐potahto.

You know, sweetie, you're a smart, successful kid.

Your only problem was that you're trying too hard

to please your father.

Yeah, I know. I don't even think it's possible.

Not unless you're double‐jointed.

Excuse me?

Oh, um, I was saying the point is...

That I'm glad to have you back.

Thank you, Mom. This is exactly what I needed.

And this soup is even better than I remembered.

I didn't make it too spicy, did I?

No. He loves it, and so do I.

Oh, you like everything.

Thanks anyway, babe.

Well, I'd better get upstairs.

Oh, please don't go, Josh.

We were having such a good time.

Yeah, we were.

I've got a great idea.

Why don't we all go grab a drink later at O'Malley's,

watch the big game?

What big game?

Uh, I don't know. It's a sports bar. They'll know.

How about it, Joshua? I'm buying.

I'm not much of a sports fan.

No rush. We're gonna be together for years.

Hah.

What?

You really don't get what's going on, do ya, R‐Dawg?

You're only here because my mother is having a midlife crisis.

If she was a guy, you'd be a Porsche.

Look, you say what you want about me,

but disrespect your mother one more time, we're gonna tussle.

OK. OK. You see what just happened there?

Your little goy toy just threatened me.

I did not threaten you.

All right, time out over here, you two.

Now, get in your corners.

We're one big happy family,

so why don't we just sit down and have some damn egg salad?

I'll say what I want about her.

Not while I'm here. That's the point.

You shouldn't be here.

(Fran gasps) OK. Well, that is it, mister.

Son, or no son, I have had it with you.

While you're under my roof, you give me respect.

Oh, my God. Now I really sound like my mother.

Mom, this isn't your fault. Your hormones are making you crazy.

Don't you be talking about my hormones.

I'll have you know that I am in my sexual peak.

I'll say.

What do you think your friends are saying?

"Does he have a brother?"

Mom... Trust me. We studied this in school.

Riley is simply a manifestation of your temporary insanity.

Hey, I warned you about that, Joshua.

It's Josh!

Why can't you remember that, you big Zoolander‐looking ape?

That is it, Josh! Go to your... Gym!

Hello, Allison.

Congratulations.

You're home less than a day,

and you've already pissed off everyone in the house.

Josh, could you come here a minute?

I wanna talk to you.

What?

I've been giving it a lot of thought,

what you said earlier today, and I've made a decision.

This situation with Riley has gotta stop.

Oh, thank you.

Come on, we'll break the news together.

No. That's not what I meant.

Riley is in my life,

and you are going to have to accept that.

But why? Why him?

He's like the total opposite of everything you ever were.

Yeah, well, that's the point, isn't it?

I mean, look at your sister.

That was me when I had you.

I went straight from my parents house to my husband's house.

And that was a big mistake.

But I'm trying to correct that now.

I'm trying new things. I started a decorating business.

It's a very exciting time for me.

And Riley is a big part of that.

He is very spontaneous and open‐minded.

And he's the only man that has ever made me‐‐

Mom.

I was going to say laugh.

Now, Josh, I want to be here for you.

I really do.

But you are going have to accept me for who I am,

and that includes the part of me that's in love with Riley.

I don't know if I can.

Why is it so hard for you to do this, Joshie?

I spent the better part of my life taking care of you,

devoting myself to you completely and willingly.

But now I found somebody that makes me happy.

Why can't you just give it a chance?

Is that so much to ask?

OK. Mom, I'll give it a chance.

Oh, thank you, sweetie. Thank you. You're a good son.

OK?

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you.

Jewish guilt. It works every time.

Oh, Riley, you've really outdone yourself.

Everything looks so delicious.

It was a team effort.

Duane braised the meat.

Allison made the salad.

Josh set the table.

Way to chip in, buddy.

Allison, why don't you tell your brother about your day today?

Like he cares?

No. I do.

Uh, so, you're in eighth grade now, right?

Tenth.

Oh, that's a great age.

Are you a mathlete? I was a mathlete.

No. And we call them mathholes.

I wanted to be a mathlete, but they met during football practice.

Oh, yeah. It was a tough choice for me, too,

but, you know, football, irritable bowel syndrome,

quite a worrisome combo.

So, ally, whatever happened with kendra and bobby?

Who's Kendra and Bobby?

Slutty cheerleader, Ally's ex.

Riley. It was so great.

Kenra comes around the corner from gym this morning,

and guess who she sees bobby scamming on?

Courtney?

Best girlfriend.

Sarah? The rival.

Christa? Who's Christa?

No, me.

(Riley laughs)

Aahh, no, you didn't!

Oh, yes, I did.

I finally got that bitch back.

Language, Allison.

Yes. In this house we say "bee‐yotch."

Honey, can you pass the peas?

Sure.

Oh. I got it.

It's all right, man, I got it.

No. I got it.

I got it.

Boys, please.

Honey, can you not call me boy?

It's a little creepy.

Boy, can you not call my mother "honey"?

It's a lot creepy.

OK?

Wow. I was just gonna ask for those.

You know, I'll get those. You're the guest.

No. I'm not the guest. You're the guest.

No one is the guest.

I'm just saying I've been here for a while.

You just got here.

I was here for 20 years.

Excuse me, Riley. Don't poke the bear.

Shut up, Allison.

Josh, chill out.

Is this your idea of giving it a chance?

I did. I gave it a chance.

I even tried to communicate,

but I just can't get in.

So, here's to you, Mrs. Robertson.

That's Robinson.

Who's Mrs. Robinson?

Must be a family friend.

All right, now you're all annoying me.

Josh, sit. You're acting like an infant.

Oh, OK. If I'm an "infant," then he's a fetus.

So enjoy your new "family," because I'm out of here.

All right, fine. Go, and take your stupid air quotes with you.

These peas are delicious.

I'm telling you, Riley, I have had it with him.

It's over.

Uh‐huh.

I don't need my son's approval.

He's the child. I'm the parent.

Uh‐huh. I know.

He could stay away forever for all I care.

He doesn't approve? Fine.

He's on his own.

I've got my own life to lead.

You wanna go look for him, don't you?

Yeah.

Sweetie, how'd you get so wise?

Family Ties.

You watch Family Ties, too?

I love nick at nite.

Oh, get dressed.

As soon as I dry off.

Uh, let me just help.

You doing OK over here?

Another beer, please.

There he is.

Hi, sweetie.

What are you two doing here?

You run out of places to have sex?

Ha ha. Very funny.

We were very worried about you.

Running all over town loOKing.

Two beers.

I'm gonna need to see some I. D.

Oh, I am so sick of always having to do this.

Oh. I meant him.

Oh.

But I'll check yours, too.

Thanks, doll.

And how 'bout you, sugar?

Anything more I can do for you?

I'm fine.

Bartender just hit on you, man.

Impossible. Girls don't hit on me.

No. She likes you. I'm gonna go get her number.

No, Mom.

Thank me later.

She's a force of nature.

Her voice is the last thing I wanna hear at night

and the first thing I wanna hear in the morning.

Her voice?

I know. That's how crazy I am about her.

Seriously, Josh...

If you could only see your mom like I do.

Uh, please. I have stomach problems as it is.

Got the digits.

You know, Joshie, it's really funny

that you should pick this place to come to.

This is where we came on our first date.

That's right. We sat right there in that back booth.

And then we closed this place down.

Mm‐hmm. We didn't want the date to end,

so we just walked and talked. What?

Oh. Nothing. I just...

I never saw you smile like that with Dad.

Well, I never did. Except the day I kicked him out.

You know, Riley, this may just be the booze talking,

but I'm really sorry for how I treated you.

That's not me. At least, I don't think.

Well, frankly, I have no idea who I am

or where I'm going.

Oh, don't worry, sweetie.

Give yourself time.

You'll find your purpose.

I meant tonight. I don't know where I'm going tonight.

Well, that's easy. You're gonna come home with us.

Yeah. Oh, thank God.

Closing time.

I'll take that. He's my son.

Our son.

I'm never gonna get out of therapy.

What do you have?

Jobless.

By the way, until you get on your feet,

here's a little walking‐around money.

Don't tell your mom.

If I wasn't so hard up, I'd be insulted. Thanks...

Dad.

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute