Original subtitles

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

- [humming]

♪ A morning jay, baby ♪

[slurps]

Mm, bit of coffee for me? Better, nitrogen-free.

Heavens to Betsy!

- Xanthena... Xanthena, please!

- Why? You think I won't do it?

Just 'cause maybe I wanna smooch ya?

Well, I'll blow us all up!

And maybe our lips will fly into each other in the air

and they'll kiss in the air! Sweet--

- Oh, Xanthena, thank God,

this customer could use some help

getting the shit kicked out of himself!

- [purrs] - Be at peace.

[thud]

- [grunts, chuckles] Yeah!

Ooh. Amazing! - That's how you do it.

- What was... What? What... what just happened?

- Uh, uh, I've... I've been searching for

non-violent means of de-escalation

and I've... I've found if I hit the perfect harmonic frequency,

I can release endorphins,

thus neutralizing problematic stress hormones. Heh.

- You gonna make me ask?

- The music makes you feel things, Danny.

- Okay. Thank you.

Let's just skip the smart part next time.

[theme music playing]

- I'm gonna kick him and puke there.

- Aah! - [barfs]

Signed, sealed, delivered.

- Throw in some money, you skin-flings!

Oh, Xanthena!

I'm sorry to hear you played it nice.

- No way, Dan. My music is my soul,

and you... you can't just expose a soul to the air,

unless you want it developing a soul crust.

And I like my soul wet.

- Oh, you go, girl!

Sorry. I... I heard the word "wet"

and just dived in. I'm sorry.

- Listen, Xanth, we all saw what you did for the schizo-nutjob.

- Danny, can you just--

- Sorry. The mental health deficient nutjob.

Well, eh...

Now I lost my train of thought.

This is why people should be allowed to use

the words the wanna use,

you know? - [sighs]

- Maybe you could do a short set,

because at the very least,

your musical stylings might brighten up the vibe in here.

- [flies buzzing] - [ominous laughter]

- Fuck off!

- Uh, I... I guess I could play a few songs.

- Great. Hey, play something

that makes 'em tip a little more, yeah?

- [burps] Oh, God, I burp when I get nervous. [burps]

Oh, God. [burps]

- Delivered.

- [sighs, clears throat]

This is Lady X.

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

- Whoa. - [laughter]

- Hey.

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

- I'm gonna call my mom, man.

Tell her I love her. - Wish I had a mom.

- Dude, I can be that for you.

- You... you'd be my... - Yes, bro.

- Hell yeah, bro, let's do... I mean... Hell yeah, Mom.

- Yeah. Yeah. - That feels right.

- Xanth, that was amazing! It brought us to so many places.

- I liked that part of the show when you made us all horny-like.

[laughs]

I was frigging that stool so hard,

I whittled one of the legs down thin as a toothpick!

- Yeah, we all watched you have sex with the stool, Jep.

- Anyway, so I was...

Oh! Fuck!

- Oh, look who's here, baby! - Ugh, no!

- How you doing, Man-Dan? - You're not allowed in here.

- I did a little upstream of your show,

and it's the hottest download since Two Girls, One Pup.

Trade secret, Danny. They went through a ton of pups. Hahaha.

- Aah! Why do we accept this man as an acquaintance?

- Wow. Uh...

Well, I'm... I'm flattered.

Not that I ever expected anyone to hear my music or anything.

What...What were the numbers exactly?

- Oh, well, just give me a second, doll.

I... I can process that for you. Just a sec.

[grunts] Just running the numbers.

Aah! Just gotta... ooh, just gonna... [strains]

- Ugh. Ugh. - Ooh-oo. Ooh! Ooh!

Danny, hold my hand. - No. No.

- Yeah, just put your hand on the moni...

Oh, yeah... Oh! - Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Ooh, we're doing this together.

- Why is it wet? What's in this com...

Okay, you know what? You know what?

Let's just say a lot.

Let's just all agree it's a lot. - Aah! Ooh!

I may know some people that killed some people

that know some other people that would make you a star!

What do you say? - Uh... No, this was just, uh...

a controlled environment in which, uh...

- I... I know, it's been too long.

And I just wanted to say,

I don't wanna fall into those roles

that we usually fall into anymore.

- I couldn't agree more, bro. - Thank you.

- You know what? Fuck my limiting language.

Maybe my music could soothe the savage beast

that is the Wastes.

Plus, I... I kinda like being Lady X. [chuckles]

Oop, look at that! Time for my next set. Whoop.

[cheers and applause]

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

- DANNY: Yeah, a-all right. Yeah.

This is definitely the best use of my talents.

Oh, eh... You walked on my hand there. Haha.

I know you felt it. - Big show tonight, Xanth.

- Hey, Jep, baby, we have got to do something

about this bodice.

I'm... I'm packed in here like a sardine.

- JEP: This again. - I need to move.

- You told me you want statue-esque.

Well, statues don't move, so--

- Just make it work, okay, honey?

- Ugh! - I'm gonna go freshen up...

- [Onorato speaking]

- Oh. My. God. I love you, Lady X!

- [Onorato speaking]

- Oh, God! No, please! No, no, don't take me away...

- [Onorato speaking]

- It took me so long to get into that... Help!

- You make sure that girl gets a keychain, all right?

I'ma go re, uh... re-hydrate my inner juices, y'all.

- Onorato, watch where you're wa... Aah!

I just coiled those cords!

- [humming]

Oh, my plant babies. [sighs]

- [laughs] Your head's nearly ready to pop right off.

And you're not even focused on the things that matter.

- Excuse me?

- I don't know about you,

but I'm glowing like a pregnant lady

after a good climax.

- I don't know if I can keep going like this.

- Didn't we say we wanted to change the world?

- I guess I have been slightly distracted.

- LADY X: That's why I'm here, baby.

You created this music

to connect people to their hearts.

To pop the putrid pimple off the face of this diseased visage.

But what good is a cathartic cry

when there's still so much evil in this world?

We should use our gift.

Cut the pain out of the roots, refrain...

- I... Oh! I... I'm sorry, that's my fault.

- My plan was to... I... Oh! - What I was gonna say was...

I'm gonna... I'm just... I'm gonna be quiet.

- You sure?

- You go. Go ahead. - No, I was just saying...

To... To cut the...

To, uh...

Well, at this point,

I don't remember what I was actually saying,

but don't you worry about a thing, honey.

I've got it all sorted out.

We are Lady X, my sweet.

If we don't change things around here, who will?

- Uh, knock, knock.

Sorry to interrupt you talking to no one,

but, uh, we're pretty much ready for the show.

I do have to say you put together

sort of a very controversial guest list.

I do believe I saw Trevor,

the Boy-King of the Lower Wastes up there.

It's a real who's-who of evil shitheads.

Cool. You know, I don't wanna comment

on an artist's process,

but maybe you should take a little hiatus after this.

You seem less than great.

Hell, maybe just go back to being my bouncer.

- You would like that, wouldn't you?

To limit the scope of great Lady X?

Why don't you stick some blinders on her?

Ride that mare right into town. [neighs]

- [laughs] That's... that's...

Listen, I am concerned about your mental health right now,

but that is an absolutely ludicrous horse sound.

- That's what a horse sounds like.

- [chuckles] That's... It's not. - You know what you are, Danny?

You are a negativity coil.

- Um, I mean, I'm holding coil. Coiled cords.

- Yes, you are, coil boy. - Coil boy?

- You know what that is? It's a putrid mass,

contributing nothing except its own festering stink.

- So it sounds like

you're describing an actual piece of shit,

like poo.

- The truth hurts, coil boy.

- At least I can impersonate a horse.

- I can do a better horse. - [neighs]

- How dare you! - That's how it sounds.

Just saying. I'm just saying. - You get out of here!

- That's how you do it.

- Getting me all crazy before I perform. Oof.

[drum beats]

- Yeah! - [bell dings]

- I want a show. Give me a show!

- The show starts soon, Master Trevor.

- [grunts] - Aah.

- I got a bad feeling about this, Jeppie.

- I know what you mean, Dan.

The sky is the domain of birds

and they are not gonna like seeing so many of us up here.

- [audience cheering]

- The powerful...

You rule the Wastes with iron fists,

but you will come to fear Lady X!

- [audince mumbles, exclaims]

- [giggles] This is fun! Dance! Whee-hee-hee!

- But you must know the pain you've caused,

the violence, how you've ruined these lands with your hate!

- [loud music playing]

- Master Trevor, you're a twit!

- What? You bitch!

- [groans]

- Yeah, I had a feeling it was gonna go in this direction.

- [hyperventilating]

- That's it, my babies. Purge that darkness!

Let it out! - Oh, freak.

This is not good. Let me through.

Lhandi, get out of the way. - [grunts] Come here! [grunts]

You're stretching the neck line, you cock!

- I like it a little loose!

- Hey, let me through. - You there! Stomp my skull.

Crush my hallow bones...

- No, get away from me, you little freak.

I'm trying to get to the front.

- TREVOR: Yes, you must do it! You must do it.

- I don't understand the request.

Shit... Aah! Holy hell!

Oh, fuck!

My foot just went right in there.

Okay, I gotta get out of this.

[grunts]

[in slow-motion] I am coil boy!

- [laughing evilly]

- Xanthena, stop! This isn't what you wanted!

You wanted to help people!

Here!

[melodic, harmonious music playing]

- [gasps] Oh... Oh, my... I...

I... I made this, didn't I, Danny?

It's...

Oh, God, oh, look what I've done!

- This is the emotional response we want.

Just gonna need you to process it a bit quicker.

- Chapter 17, My Deflowering.

- The hell is this?

- Oh, this... this is an audiobook of Jep's memoir.

I... I told him I'd edit it.

Little on the nose, but pretty good.

- [hyperventilating] Keep going.

This chapter will do it for you, I promise.

- I'm... I'm so sorry, Danny.

I think it's time to kill Lady X.

I don't like who she is

and I do not like who she makes me.

- Me neither.

- JEP: There's a confusing tingle

only a cousin's touch can stir.

And that summer, I was stirred more than a thick stew.

- It's sort of sad, isn't it? Kind of felt like Lady X

could have fixed things around here.

- Nah, probably not. - [door slams open]

- [grunts] Where's that tall, smoochable lady?

I wanna feel again! - Oh, shit! Xanthena!

- I need her toes-to-toes. - DANNY: Xanth!

- [humming]

[melodic, harmonious music playing]