Original subtitles

- DAN: Mitchie Brunser manages to get hold of the ball.

- PERSON: Go, Mitchie!

- DAN: One of the more promising young men

playing in this year's event--

But, no, he's been gored.

- A promise means nothing to a pig, Dan.

- Oh, and you have to imagine he wishes he had that one back.

Now let's cut to an obligatory shot

of Mitchie's fresh widow and child.

-CROWD: Whoo! - Some big shiny, shiny tears.

- Okay, that's our first goring, folks .

You know what that means? We're doing shots!

- Yeah! - Shots, shots, shots!

- Ugh! Burns.

- I think your game's got a drinking problem, Danny.

- And I think you need to get into the Razor Bowl spirit.

Oop. Someone adjusted their jersey a bit.

That is-- [chuckles] That's more shots.

- But, uh, Danny-- - There you are.

Okay, let's see what you and Onorato whipped up here.

Danny a hungry boy.

- Check out Onorato's seven layer dip!

[mumbles]

- Yoo-hoo. Yeah! I love that you came out with a cloth like that.

- Wait, I'm only seeing six layers.

- Now that's because the seventh player is... fire.

- No, do not light that on fire!

- [pig squeals] - Oh!

Oh, God damn it. Grab the pig! Grab the pig!

- Lift your feet. Don't touch it.

You'll turn into one. - No, do touch him!

You will not turn into one.

- Fine! - You must touch him.

- Come here! I'll get him! - I got him.

- No, no, no!

Okay, somehow, we're fine.

That's a shot.

- [indistict chatter] - [pig squeals]

Oh, God damn it.

- You know what? The seventh layer, it--

It should have been love.

[stuuters] If it was love, this wouldn't have happened.

I just thought you'd make fun of us.

[theme music playing]

Listen, Danny, I'm really sorry about the fire.

But believe me, this guy I know

will absolutely have a Razor Bowl signal.

- It's fine. We just got to do this quick.

Not sure how long Jep and Xanthena's act

will keep people entertained.

- I'm rock and roll. You're rock and roll? You're rock and roll?

- "I'm hip-hop, I'm hip-hop, I'm hip-hop.

I'm trying to kill you."

- "I'm hip-hop, I'm hip-hop." - "Don't kill me."

- I like it.

- Yeah, no worries. No, no, no.

We will be back in no time. Trust me.

- [groaning]

- Holy hell.

- Help me.

- Pretty cool, hey? - I know.

What'd you say this guy's name was?

- Hi, Easy Streams.

- Ooh, my Lhandi Lou. - [Lhandi chuckles]

- Come here. - LHANDI: Oh, okay.

- I have missed you so much! - [giggles]

- Yeah, I'm sorry-- Are... Are those all people there?

- Technology is wild. - So, human. Yes.

- EASY STREAMS: Uh-huh. - The answer was "yes."

- Easy Streams, this is Danny Doom.

- Well, flick my knickers. Give us a kiss, huh.

- Nah, I'm not gonna do that. - Give me a kiss now.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna do... - If you enter here,

- you have to give me a kiss. - LHANDI: Kiss him. Kiss him!

- We're gonna kiss, Danny.

- Okay, not to be rude, but we're just...

we're in a slight hurry,

and we need a connection to the Razor Bowl.

So, anything you can do to help us with that?

- Oh! You like watching the little piggies, huh, Danny?

That's a hot frothy stream today.

It's gonna cost ya. - How much?

- Not money, Danny.

My subscribers want thoughts and memories.

The more depraved, the better.

And I get the feeling that your memories

are positively abhorrent.

- Ugh. Thanks again for this, Lhandi.

- I will warn you...

it's gonna start getting weird.

- It start getting weird. Hey, easy, Eas-- Ow! Ow!

- Just let it. Just let it... - Ow! Ow! [groans]

- EASY STREAMS: [chuckles] Oh, Danny--

- [Danny screams]

Let's speed it up now, okay?

- DANNY OVER TV: But you're my gym teacher.

AAh!

You forced me to read your diary.

Uh, uh... Don't go in there. Don't go in there!

You're the only person who ever gave a damn about me.

- Aah! Oh, my God! [groans] - Oh, my! [shushes]

- Get it out of me.

- We got a bunch of good stuff in there, huh.

I'm a bit of an ass man, too. [chuckles]

Well, not so... not so much the cheeks. Just the hole.

- Okay, Razor Bowl, now.

- All right, all right. Take it, Danny.

Hey, come back any time. - Oh, thank you so much.

Bye, Easy Streams. - Yeah.

- This was fun in here. - It was not fun!

- You got to get the game back on, man.

My bro, he's starting to think about his life.

- Bro, I think I put myself in bad situations

because subconsciously, that's what I think I'm worth.

- Can you please help my bro? - Okay, enough of that.

Don't mind me, everyone.

Just got a little Razor Bowl to watch.

- [cheering] - PERSON: [chanting] Danny!

- Okay, so is this an HDMI or--

Okay.

- DAN: Missing the shot... - All right. Now we're talking!

- DAN: ...completely, and giving us our seventh decapitation...

- DANNY: Okay, what...

- Oh, damn it! Did you get a dirty bootleg stream?

- But Lhandi said it would be fine.

- JEP: Oh! - Ugh!

Filthy.

- No, no, no. We can... We can fix this. We just have to...

- Lhandi, I'm gonna go... I'm going to go to bed.

It's just a stupid game anyway.

[music playing]

Oh, my God. I'm not mad at you. Just go away please.

- Danny, please, I... I just need to talk to you.

Can you open the door?

- Lhandi, we'll talk tomorrow, all right?

I'm having a sad nap, and that's--

I wanna commit to that for a bit, all right?

- Danny, are you sure. I mean-- - I'm sure, just go away.

- Okay, okay. - Okay.

- Lhandi, are you picking my lock right now?

- LHANDI: Ugh. No. No, it's me, the custodian.

I gotta come around here. I am checkin' these locks

to make sure that they're gonna work.

That's my job. - We do not employ a custodian.

- Oh, that's strange

because I think you said very nice things to me

in my performance report.

- This is absolutely unhinged, Lhandi.

Do not try to break into my room!

- I've loved working here for many years!

- Oh, what a surprise? It's actually Lhandi.

I thought it was maybe a man I don't remember hiring

on my staff of five people.

- Danny, I had to get you out here, okay?

Because I know you're upset.

But I did something that I think you're gonna really like.

- Oh, is it... resigning? - Okay, no.

But that really hurt my feelings that you just said that,

so we'll come back to that tomorrow

when it's my turn to be upset.

No! It's a little something I like to call...

- Holy hell. Lhandi, how did you--

- Did you forget that this is the best bar on treads?

- This honestly seems too good to be--

No, Jesus! Okay. - LHANDI: Aah!

- All right, all right. Who's in the cockpit?

- God, nobody is. - What do you mean?

- Nobody is, and it's locked, and you can't even get in!

- What? - I was practicin' my unlockin'.

- [both screming]

- LHANDI: [panting]

- Don't worry, everyone.

They won't attack one of their own.

- [pig squealing] - Oh!

I dropped the pig.

- Yeah. I think we lost our leverage.

[pig squealing]

- [grunting]

- Come on to the lakes.

- [pants] Danny, I know how much Razor Bowl means to you,

and... l and I screwed it up so bad.

I just wanted you to have your special day.

- It's fine! Let's just focus.

- [coughs] Oh, fuck! Yeah! - Holy crap. Mitchie Brunser.

Well, big fan, big fan. Tough break.

- Live by the pig, die by the pig, right? [groaning]

But please, continue your conversation.

- Oh, no, uh, we weren't talking about anything.

- Hey, yes. Yes, we were, Danny.

- It sounded like you were kinda right

about how much Razor Bowl meant to you.

- Oh, my God.

Yes, I like the Razor Bowl. Who doesn't?

- No, no, but it is extra, extra special to you.

I co-- Okay, here we go.

I saw your memories at Easy Streams'.

- What?

- LHANDI: You used to watch Razor Bowl with your brother,

and now when you watch it, it reminds you of him.

[rock music palying]

Because he's dead.

- Oh, my God. Okay. - And you miss him...

- It's the kind of moving backstory that can only be true.

I'm sorry to jump in. I know it's your story,

but listen to your friend.

- Except that my brother is not dead.

He has a small wind farm over in the Low Valley.

He's extremely alive.

- You miss him though, don't you?

- And you're estranged, aren't you?

But I... But I want you to know that

you can have those nice feelings with us

because we're your family.

- I love you, Danny!

- Thank you, Lhandi. That...

That's a nice sentiment. So, I...

I appreciate that. - Yeah.

I'm kind of your brother, I guess.

- Okay. Now... Now you've pushed it too far.

- An older brother. Teaches you about the world

and maybe girls sometimes.

Hey, you gotta be less shy around those ladies.

- Do you hear me when I ask you to stop?

- Sometimes I can't stop.

That's just what your brother's like.

- [chuckles] That's what he sounds like.

- Mitchie, you don't know him.

- Mommy's gonna be mad when she sees that we ate the pie.

- Your idea of a brother

is becoming increasingly cartoonish.

Now can we please get out of here?

- [coughs] Here.

You're gonna need these weapons if you're gonna survive.

But, do one thing for me. You promise?

- Of course, yes.

- Since I helped you resolve all your brother issues.

My widow's out there in the stands, Linda.

Just tell her... there's no money.

I didn't save a thing.

And if you could be the one that tells her that...

- No, it's just... - [chokes]

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

- I feel like since he's dead, he's not gonna need these.

- What are you saying here? We go fight some pigs?

- Get in there, brother.

- Come on! - No, wait.

Actually, Lhandi, I just realized

we could probably hang back where Mitchie was.

It seems safe there. - No way. Let's bond!

Let's date some twins. - Lhandi!

- Let's go try on mom's dresses.

- You truly don't know anything about boys!

- I love you, brother!

[rock music playing]

♪ Last I saw, you got tricks from your sidekick... ♪

- Well, gang, all things considered,

I think we did pretty well for ourselves.

- Yeah, I... I stabbed that pig with a leg bone, Danny.

- Yeah, the raw primal force

bordered on erotic for me, actually.

- Yeah. - I saw that for you.

- You know what? I, uh...

I think I'm okay watching it from now on.

[laughter]

- All my friends are dead. - Holy shit. Oh, wow!

Uh, I forgot you were still here, man.

Uh, now, we're closed, man.

So you gotta-- Sorry, you gotta get out of here.

Have you-- Has he paid his tab?

- Oh, ah... No.

- Do you have like a bank machine or...

- Oof.

- No, man. - Yes, we don't.

- Oh, I just...

- I found a wallet in your dead friend's pocket.

- All right, that'll do. - That'll do.

- Take the wallet, take this guy's watch.

- Okay. - Oh.

- Get his shoes.

Okay, get him out of here. - Pictures of his family here.

- Yeah, we'll take those.

- Read the room. You gotta go.