Original subtitles

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You know, I almost died today.

- Really?

- That's what you say when I tell you I almost died?

- What am I supposed to say?

- "oh, my god, ray.

Are you all right?"

- What happened?

- I'm in the press box, right?

I'm watching the game,

- Yeah.

- And I'm eating a soft pretzel,

But these pretzels they have,

They're not moist, you know.

They're bigger than the other ones,

But they're very dry.

Anyway, the salt doesn't stick to them.

It just falls everywhere.

- Oh, my god.

Are you okay?

- You gonna mock?

You just gonna mock?

- All right, I'm sorry.

Okay, so the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.

- Yes.

All right, so I'm--

I'm bending down to wipe the salt off my shirt,

And bam!

A foul ball comes flying into the booth.

It came this close to hitting me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I felt its wind.

And then I turned, and andy,

Who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich,

The ball knocks it off his tray.

The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything.

- You get chocolate cake in the press box?

- It was Friday.

We get a different cake every Friday.

But you're missing the point.

I'm getting the point.

A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise.

- Yeah, but the ball doesn't just bounce in there, okay?

You don't know what it's like

When a foul ball comes at you.

- Don't children catch them?

- Yeah, they catch the ones that come--

"oh, look, ballie, ooh."

But this one came in, "ray barone."

- But at the last minute,

It said, "chocolate cake."

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, make fun, okay?

When the ball does take my head off,

Maybe you won't be so mockulatory.

Hey. - Hey.

Listen, honey, can you be home by 6:00 tonight?

I made an appointment with an attorney.

- Well, nine years.

I had seven in the pool.

- He's meeting with us about our wills.

- Wills?

No, no, no.

I do not want a will.

It's bad luck.

Look, you've been putting this off for years.

Okay, and I would think you'd wanna be prepared,

Especially after your near-death experience.

- Near death.

I was going for pity sex.

- You know, I don't understand you.

I mean, you were fine when we did the life insurance.

- Insurance is too dull to be scary.

By the way, how much do you get if I die?

- $800,000.

- That was a little fast.

Yeah.

Your social security number, you got to look that up.

But that number?

Oh, yeah.

Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

- Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas.

- Hey, robert, you have a will, right?

- Why?

What did you hear?

Is that why ma's making frittatas?

- Ray and I were talking about wills,

And he doesn't want to make one.

- Oh, why not?

- Because he thinks it's gonna tempt fate.

- No, no, no, silly.

If you don't have a will, you're tempting fate.

"I don't need a will.

I'm gonna live forever."

Manhole.

- I don't know.

- Raymond, listen to me.

You need to have a will

And eat a fibrous breakfast every morning

And nothing can tough you.

- Mabye you're right.

- Oh, that's what convinces you?

I've been talking to you about this for six years.

- You didn't fall in a manhole.

He knows how to get through to me.

- See if you can get him to floss.

- Whatever you need.

- That's it, all right. We're doing a will.

I'm loading up on fiber.

And you're out 800 large.

- Yeah.

- All right, this all looks good.

- We should put something in there that if I die

You can't marry another man named ray.

- Excuse me?

- Well, because eventually everyone would call him ray

And me "dead ray".

- I don't think I can--

- Just ignore him.

- All righty.

Now, all that remains is the issue

Of who should be granted guardianship of the children.

- What do you mean?

- Guardianship in the event

That both of you die at the same time.

- Wow, party pooper.

Well, I guess that would be my parents frank and marie--

- Uh, ray, I don't know

If they're really the best choice.

- Well, I mean, they're over here

All the time anyway, right?

They know where everything is.

- Just because they're convenient

Doesn't mean they're the right choice.

- You want your parents?

That's not exactly a kid-friendly house.

All the pointy metal sculptures.

And your father, you know...

[whistles]

- Ray.

We'll have to discuss this.

- Discuss.

Here we go.

Hey, maybe you better take us off the meter.

Take your time.

- Look, it doesn't have to be a relative.

- No?

- No, I mean, the character of the couple

Is what's important.

You know, what are their values?

Are they loving?

Are they patient?

Are they honest?

- If we find people like that,

We should give them the children right now.

- You know what?

We don't have to complete this now.

Once you two get this ironed out,

You can just call me with the name.

- Okay, we'll probably call you tomorrow.

- Unless we die before then,

In which case, you get 'em.

Hope you got a sofa bed.

I think he likes me.

- Yeah.

We got to think about this, though.

We got to think about this.

Who are we gonna get?

- Well, I don't know.

- I hate everyone.

- Yeah, see, me too.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

What about bernie and linda?

- They just had a baby. - Yeah, exactly.

- So why would they want more?

Look, they'll be experienced parents,

And we love them.

- Yeah, I guess they're good.

And bernie always has candy in his pocket.

- They should definitely be the ones.

- All right, okay, so we're settled?

- Yeah.

So it's bernie and linda.

We have a will,

And you're still alive.

Hey.

Guess we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods.

- Hi, dears.

I saw you had some store-bought pudding,

And I thought the children might want to try something homemade.

- Thank you very much.

- Okay.

"attorney at law"?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Are there marital problems?

- No.

We were just making out our wills, marie.

- Oh, good for you, honey.

See, that shows a lot of foresight, raymond.

- Yup.

Isn't it good to get it all out of the way

And know that everything now is under control,

And you'll never have to worry about the children?

- Yup.

- Marie?

- Yeah.

- We decided that bernie and linda

Are gonna be their guardians.

- Thanks for the pudding.

- You're leaving the children to strangers?

- Ma, bernie and linda aren't strangers.

- Please, you don't owe me any explanation.

They're your children.

It's your life, isn't it?

- That's been the dream.

- I don't want to keep you.

I just came over to try to, you know, help.

- Ma, if bernie and linda drop dead,

You're on deck.

- Well, thank you.

Oh, and that's for the children.

Tell 'em it's from a friend.

You know, actually,

This could be a good lesson for me:

To learn to be content with what is

And not to hope for what could be.

- So what could be is us dying,

And you raising our children.

- Well, not anymore.

- I saw pudding skin in the sink.

- Oh, frank.

Have you heard, frank?

Apparently, you and I are not fit parents.

- I still want pudding.

- Hey. - Oh, and you.

You're not up to their standards, either.

- I know.

What are we talking about?

- We had to pick guardians for the kids.

- And it's not us?

- No.

- Okay.

- You wouldn't have wanted the kids?

- Would you?

- I wasn't even asked.

- Well, robert, we just, you know--

- Who'd you pick?

- Linda and bernie gruenfelder.

- Bernie gruenfelder.

Ah, let's see.

A chubby jet ski salesman

Versus a blood-related protector of the people.

Ah, well, that's a no-brainer.

- Where's the whipped cream?

- Marie, please try to understand.

- I understand.

You prefer to give your children to gypsies instead of me.

- Ah, cheer up, marie.

We just dodged three screamin' bullets.

Hey, did he take the pudding?

Hey.

Pudding.

- Oh, I know what it is.

It's your father, isn't it?

Now, listen to me.

If you were to-- god forbid--

And I get the children,

I'm willing to leave him.

- Oh, she is just a little angel.

- Yeah, when she's sleeping.

- You should hear the set of lungs on her.

Whoo. - Oh, yeah.

When she's unhappy, you know it.

- Yeah, babies are loud.

You know who's quiet, though?

Older kids.

- Yeah, well, your kids are great.

- Yeah, yeah, they are.

- So, linda, motherhood really agrees with you.

You look fantastic.

- Thank you.

I'm wearing more makeup than a drag queen.

- And nursing bras,

Are they as horrible as they used to be?

- They're very complicated.

- That's another good thing about the older kids.

Forget about the breast.

You feed 'em right out of the fridge.

- Ray, please.

- Well, you do.

[baby coos]

- Was that an awake sound or a sleep sound?

- Oh, I don't know.

Just write down, "sound at 7:07."

- All the books say to keep a sleep journal.

- Oh, bernie loves the books.

Helps me feel a little more in control.

- That's from one of the books.

- It's not yours!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

[all screaming]

- [laughs]

Write it down: "7:08, havin' fun."

- You want help me in the kitchen, ray?

Yeah, all right.

- Get away from me! - Oh, boy.

[laughter]

- Thanks.

- What is the matter with you?

- Nothing, it's just,

The kids are ruining it.

- You're ruining it.

We're not trying to sell 'em a used car.

- Maybe we should throw in the car.

- Would you just act normal, huh?

Let's just get it over with and ask 'em.

- Okay, okay, okay.

How you gonna ask 'em?

- I don't know.

I can't rehearse it.

You can't just say,

"hey, when we die and you go to the funeral,

Bring the minivan."

- Oh, hello.

I noticed you had company.

Well, what do you know?

If it isn't bernie and linda gruenfelder.

- Robert, they're just over for dinner.

- Oh, just dinner?

I don't think so.

Why is your shirt tucked in tonight, raymond?

This is no ordinary dinner.

You're giving away the children, aren't you?

- Robert, don't make a big deal out of it.

- It is a big deal.

How could you choose them over me?

I'm family.

- We love you, robert,

But there's a lot of factors, okay?

We put a great deal of thought into this.

You're single, and you have a dangerous job.

- And if you were to drop one of them,

It's very, very far.

- And also, most importantly,

You have no respect for me as a human being.

- Oh, that is not true.

- Look, you know, it's none of my business, okay?

Ally, michael, and geoffrey gruenfelder.

Oh, rolls right off the tongue.

- Hey, whoa, where you going, man?

- I thought I'd leave via the front door.

Or is that just for fit guardians?

- She's adorable.

[both gasp]

- Marie, what are you doing here?

- Oh, well, I saw a strange car parked in the driveway,

And I thought something might be wrong.

- Okay, if you don't mind,

We'd like to spend the evening alone

With linda and bernie tonight.

- Well, I just came over to see the baby.

You know how I love children.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, here's one of yours now.

Why don't you go put him down for a nap?

- It's okay, ray.

Madeline, I'd like to introduce you to mrs. Barone.

- The books say not to use baby talk.

- Oh, you're book parents.

- Marie.

- Yeah, you know, the books are great.

But there's a lot of stuff you can learn

From experience you just can't get from the books.

- Oh, yeah?

- A lot of emergency situation stuff.

- Ray. - Robert.

- Yeah, let's say your child or a child in your care

Has put a cocoa puff up his nose.

- What do you do?

- Cocoa puff?

- That's an interesting question, robbie.

What would you do?

- They'd do the right thing.

Coffee?

- Yeah, anyone want coffee?

- I'd love some.

- Stuck cocoa puff.

It's a quandary.

- Does that really happen?

- Oh, yes, it happens.

Doesn't it, raymond?

- Happened to me when I was eight.

- And ten.

- So what would you do, dear?

- Tweezers?

- Absolutely never.

- Emergency room?

- Nope.

- All right, stop.

You crunch and blow.

- Crunch and blow?

- [crunching noise]

- I am very sure I'm gonna remember that one.

- Okay, that's great. - That was fun.

- Give me another.

- All right. Let's say you're driving

Your seven-year-old to school,

And she keeps turning the radio louder and louder

While you're driving.

What would you do?

- You tell her to stop in a firm but loving manner.

- No, linda?

- Ignore it.

- Excuse me?

- Well, you let her turn it up loud,

And then she'll, she'll realize

How unpleasant that is,

And then she'll turn it off herself.

- An excellent answer.

If you could explain what a seven-year-old

Is doing in the front seat to begin with.

- My, my, my.

- Okay, all right.

You can leave now; you ruined everything.

- Ruined? I've been trying to help.

- You're a maniac; go.

- By the way, I couldn't help but notice

That your infant car seat was positioned improperly.

- Have a good evening.

- Hey, dinner and a show.

- Oh, sorry about them.

But actually, we did ask you over here for a reason.

- Now?

Maybe we should get really hammered first.

- You know, ray and I were talking about our wills,

And well, we just think you're great parents,

And we were wondering if you would want to be

The guardians of our kids

If anything should happen to us.

- And just so you know, we're not planning anything.

- Oh, that is so beautiful.

- Wow.

This is big.

- We love ally, michael, and geoffrey.

We love all of you.

- Oh, we love you, too.

That's why we thought of you.

- Boy.

I don't think so.

- What?

- I mean, we're so flattered, but...

- Your family's nuts.

- Yeah, there's nothing in the books about that.

- Maybe you want to think it over.

- No, I'm sorry.

You know, if there's an accident

That takes them out the same time as you, maybe.

- That's okay.

- I feel just terrible about this.

- Oh, no, that's okay.

Believe me, I understand.

I understand.

- Hmm.

- Well, we should get madeline to bed.

- It's getting late here, yes.

Oh, listen, I got some candy for ally and the twins.

- Oh, okay.

Good, thanks; thanks for that.

It was good to see you.

- Hey, I hear you're getting the kids.

Congratulations.

- No, dad.

It's not really gonna work out, so--

- What do you mean?

These are really great kids.

It's all right, dad.

It's okay.

All right, I'll see you, guys.

- Good night.

- How did you get out of it?

- The wallaces.

- No.

Their house smells like feet.

Well, that's it,

'cause we've gone through everybody.

- How about the "z"s?

- "bronx zoo."

- I saw that documentary,

That kid that was raised by wolves.

Right?

He's a dentist now.

- No, there's got to be someone, you know?

Someone else.

Oh, please, someone.

- We could always do cold calling.

- It looks like the kids are stuck with your parents.

- I will say this about your father:

He is a happy drunk.