Original subtitles

[door opens]

- Hello?

[doorbell rings]

[ringing continues]

- I'm coming.

- Hello, dear.

You busy?

- Um, I was just upstairs folding laundry.

I'm telling you, it never stops.

- Well, good for you.

- So do you need anything?

- Oh, yes, I was wondering if you have any nasal spray.

See, frank has got-- uh, um...Oh.

What's this?

- Oh, it's a guidebook

On how to talk to your kids about sex.

- Why?

- Actually, ally's already starting to ask questions.

- Oh, really? - Yup.

- Well, may I ask what's going on around here

That she needs to ask questions?

- What? Nothing.

- Well, you know, they make robes that cover up a person.

- What?

- Yes, with a zipper.

- You know, I have--I have to get back to my laundry.

- No, no, I'm really serious, debra.

Why would you want to introduce

A subject matter of this kind

To an innocent child?

- Oh, listen, you should be happy

We're taking care of this,

Because eventually, she might ask you a question.

- But I'm her grandmother.

- Yes, but you're a person; you're a woman.

- Oh, I don't like this, debra.

- She--she might ask about you and grandpa.

- Well, if she does, I will change the subject

And give her a cookie.

- Is that what you do when grandpa asks?

[laughs] I'm sorry.

- [laughs]

Yes. Nothing's off-limits.

- Oh, marie, I didn't mean anything.

- Anyway, he doesn't ask anymore.

- Really? - Let me tell you something.

There are a lot more important things in a marriage than that,

Like friendship and trust

And--and keeping a neat house.

- Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Dearie, people our age aren't preoccupied with these things.

- So how long has it been since you've had...

Since you started focusing on the neatness of the house?

- I-I-I don't know, 20 years.

- 20 years? You haven't--

- No, no, I wouldn't say never.

I'd say... Oh, once a year.

- Once a year for 20 years?

- Yeah, on average.

I'll tell you something, dear.

Some day, this house will be a lot neater.

- Good night.

- Ray.

- What? What? I just want to watch this.

What? What are you doing?

- We have a problem.

- Yeah, I was watching that.

[tv playing]

- Why didn't you respond to me?

- I said "good night."

- Honey, I'm trying to get your attention.

- All right, can you just give me one second?

All right? This is good.

- It's a scottish guy throwing a log.

- For the championship.

- Would you turn it off, please?

- All right.

- [sighs]

We're turning into your parents.

- Okay, which one am I?

- I've got some news for you, ray.

Your sex drive is diminishing.

- Well, if you're my mom, what do you expect?

- I'm serious, ray.

Look, I used to have to fend you off every night.

Now it's down to less than once a week.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is, ray.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe if I'm trying less,

It's because of all the rejection, huh?

Yeah, I'm like the monkey who gets shocked

Every time he reaches for the pellet.

- Do you realize that for the last 20 years,

Your parents have only had sex once a year?

- What? Who told you that?

- Your mother.

- What? What? What?

Why? Why? Why did you talk about that?

- 'cause she saw the sex book,

And we just started talking, and she told me.

- Well, why are you telling me?

- Because you're turning into your father.

Listen, things started slowing down for them

When they were the age that we are now.

- We're not them.

- I just kissed you, rubbed your chest,

Kissed you again in an impure manner.

You never took your eyes off the tv.

Ten years ago, all I had to do was be awake.

Sometimes not even that.

- I'm still--I'm still...

A sex machine.

Come on, it was just today.

You know, today, it was a long day,

And the kids-- I had a heavy meal.

You know what? I don't need excuses.

Come on, let's go, right now, me and you.

Let's go, mano a womano.

- You know, I don't want to do it

Just because you want to prove something.

- I don't want to prove something.

I just love to sex you up.

- All right, stop it, ray. - No.

- You know, you never want to talk about anything.

- I-I'm ready now.

The monkey never learns.

More cheeseballs?

- Yup, and keep 'em coming.

[sporting event playing on tv]

- It's funny how you and me both like cheeseballs.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Yup.

And the ladies.

- The ladies?

- Yeah, the barone boys, we love those ladies.

Hey, any action lately?

- W-w-what do-- what do you mean action?

You asking about me and amy?

- No, no, not about you and amy.

You know, just... Frequency.

- Frequency with me and amy?

I don't think amy would appreciate

Her name coming up in this type of...

Venue.

- All right, so don't use the name amy, you know?

Just tell me how often between you and "gail."

- Could it not be gail?

Because I have a superior named gail.

She's a beast.

- All right, call her whatever you want.

I just-- - vanessa.

- Okay, fine.

Say, rob, how are things between you and vanessa?

- Oh, pretty good.

- Yeah?

Like, how often would you say

You and vanessa, you know?

- You know, to be honest, it's not like it used to be.

- Why? Why? What's the matter?

- Well, no, nothing.

It's just, you know, you get older,

And that's what happens.

It's natural.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Why are you asking?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

- Oh, wait a minute.

Raymond, do you have a problem?

- What do you got for snacks?

- Cheeseballs, cheeseballs.

- I'm in.

You believe this game?

Oh, holy hell, somebody make a tackle!

It's like they're not wearing cups.

- So, raymond, what is the problem?

- Hey, robert, this is a pretty good game.

We should just shut up and watch it, all right?

- What problem? What are you talking about?

- Nothing, dad. Nothing.

- Well, sounds like raymond is having

A little trouble south of the border.

- Oh, yeah?

Mr. Johnson not showing up for work?

- That's a good one. That's a good one.

- What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about this for?

- Well, what's the matter?

You want me to have a look at it?

- Oh, my god!

There's nothing wrong with me, all right?

- Ray, look, why don't you just ask dad what you asked me?

- Would you stop?

- What? We're all men.

Dad, look, how many times would you say

That you and mom-- - oh, somebody kill me.

- And look, by the way, you don't have to call her mom.

- We got a system. You can pick any name.

- Another name?

- Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.

- Yeah, I think we're past that.

- Harriet lichtman.

- All right, look, dad, forget it.

You don't got to answer.

I already know the answer, all right?

Your sex drive diminishes as you get older.

- Hey, speak for yourself. - What?

- Look, I don't know about harriet lichtman,

But as far as your mother and I are concerned,

The saints are still marching in.

- All right, look, you don't have to exaggerate, dad.

- Hey, in this department, I speak the truth.

- All right, yeah, whatever you say.

- Not whatever I say, what is.

You can set your clock by me.

- Yeah, if you set it every 20 years.

- Hey, hey, hey, a little respect.

- Look, it's all right, it's all right.

Listen, sonny, if you're having trouble

Making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo...

You did not get that from me.

- You want to be honest? Let's be honest.

Mom told debra how much things have slowed down

Between you two.

- Well, I might not be where I was at your age,

But I think a couple of times a week is pretty good.

- Couple times a week?

- Holy crap.

- That's right.

And now if you'll excuse me,

All this talk has kind of put me in the mood.

- We should be having sex three times a week.

- Where did you get that from?

- These are the numbers, man.

If we want to be doing it twice a week 20 years from now,

We should be doing it three times a week now.

- What?

- My father told me his stats.

- You talked to your father about their sex life?

- Yes, I did, and listen,

Everything my mother told you yesterday,

Lies, okay?

My father told me the truth.

It's the exact opposite.

Twice a week.

- No way! - Yes! Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No, that is impossible.

Your mother told me, flat out, once a year.

- And since when is she ever straight with you?

- Well, she didn't lie about this,

A-and frank would lie especially about this.

- Why? Why do you say that?

- Because he's a man.

- So? So what? I'm a man.

- Yeah, well, you lie to me about our own sex life.

- When? When do I do that?

- What does "all night long" mean to you?

- It's a figure of speech.

Nobody really means that.

- Men lie, and your father's a liar.

- That is not true. My mother's the liar.

- Ray, she didn't lie to me about this.

She opened up to me.

- Opened up?

She played you like a hawaiian on a ukulele.

- Oh, you're impossible, you know that?

Your father makes up a story, and you just believe it.

- Because it's true!

- Listen, when your mom and I talked,

She told me that she--

- [singing] la la-la la

- Ray. - [singing] la la-la la

- Ray, I'm telling you.

- [singing] la-la-la la

Come on.

All right. Look, it's already Saturday.

We got to do it three times tomorrow.

Hi, mrs. Scarpula.

- Okay, listen, I got to ask both of you a question.

- Sure, dear.

What is it?

- Uh...

- What are you doing?

- Uh...

- She--she wanted to ask us something.

What is it, dear?

- Um...

- Yes, what is it, dear?

- We've been getting some conflicting reports,

And, uh, what we would both like to know is

How often do the two of you actually...

- Go to the theater?

- Have sex.

- [laughs]

Oh, this is as bad as it gets.

- Oh, my god!

- Marie, listen, I would never ask except--

- Do you understand the meaning of a private conversation?

- Yes, of course I do, but frank said something that--

- What did you say? - Hey, I didn't talk to her.

Thanks for blabbing my business.

- What? What are you so mad about?

You were proud of it.

Just say the number.

- No. Don't you dare!

Have you no boundaries?

- Look, I don't care.

If it's out in the open, it's out in the open.

Twice a week. - Oh, frank!

What are you saying? Don't lie like that.

- Okay, see?

- Hey, who's lying? What's wrong with you?

- Why are we having this conversation?

- Come on, marie, I've got a reputation here.

Word of mouth is everything in this business.

- I happen to be a lady, frank.

- [titters] - ooh!

- [laughs]

- What do you mean, marie?

Is it true?

- Yes, it's true!

- What?

- See?

Eww.

- Why did you tell me it was only once a year?

- Because this whole topic is improper.

What we do in our bedroom is our own business,

And I prefer not to be known as the whore of lynbrook.

- We can move from lynbrook.

- You know, I don't understand, marie.

What are you so ashamed of?

- She's ashamed to admit she likes it.

- Oh, frank!

How do you know I like it?

- Well, who wouldn't like it?

Why don't you just admit it, marie?

- Yes, it's true.

I enjoy my sex life.

All right? Okay.

I mean, forgive me, but in my day,

A woman didn't discuss these things.

I mean, sex was a wifely duty,

And the truth of the matter is

That your father happens to be...

Very competent.

A-a-and it's obvious that I'm a woman,

And I have needs like any other woman.

Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of sex,

Because it's a very natural part of life.

And if I'm lucky enough to still enjoy

The pleasures of it, then I'm going to.

- Oh, god.

- Aren't you glad you came over?

- Frank, tell the truth.

It's not twice a week.

- Well, give or take.

The point is, we're not dead.

- You know, I can't believe this,

But I actually want to ask you something.

- Go ahead, dear.

- How can you two be so...

Shouldn't you two be tired?

- What's there to be tired about?

I don't work anymore.

What else do I got to do?

- And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex.

- Oh, god.

- The kids are out of the house.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, for years, you were dragging us down.

- You remember the night

When robbie went to his new apartment?

- [laughs]

- Okay, come on, honey.

I think there's a bottle of scotch with our name on it.

Hey, uh, don't take this personal,

But for the next six months, no eye contact.

- So what do you think?

- Oh, stop it, frank. I'm tired.

- All right.

The soup's good.

- So what do you think?

- I just--I want to,

But there's still these pictures in my head.

- You know what you do,

You just shake your head like an etch-a-sketch.

[groans]

- What was that?

- Oh. - Was that something?

- The kids?

- No, maybe not.

- Mommy!

[both groan]

- Okay, I'll go.

- Thanks.

14 years till college.

- Yeah, I'll see you then.