Original subtitles

- Morning, deb. Here's your paper.

- Thanks, robert.

- Just stopped by mom and dad's for some coffee,

But I couldn't take all the...Mom and dad.

- Here. You can have ray's.

- Oh. Thanks.

There's a vibe over there that gives me--

I can't describe it--

Searing abdominal cramps.

- Why do you keep going over there?

- Good coffee.

- How's this, huh?

- Well, when you--when you factor in the vibe here,

The--the whole package is good.

Hey, ray.

- Robert.

Out of milk.

You did that on purpose.

- You wanted milk.

[door opens and closes]

- I've got to buy myself a coffeemaker.

- Well, I don't know how debra

Can let you go to work like that.

- She doesn't care.

- What's that, dear?

- No. Nothin', nothin'.

- What?

You can talk to me. I'm your mother.

Please talk to me.

- Nothin'. Nothin'. It's just...Unnhh.

- What? What?

- Can't you read the signs?

"nothin'. It's just... Nuhhh."

He's married.

- Oh.

What did she do?

- So...Trouble in paradise?

- Oh, no. It's just that...

You know, why would you want to hear me complain about ray?

- Perhaps we haven't met. I'm robert barone.

- Nothin'. She just...

She went all nuts over a can opener.

- Can opener?

- Oh, poor raymond.

Nothing good comes from a can.

Go on. Go ahead. Tell me.

- Nothin'.

I don't know what I did wrong.

I mean, I come home in a good mood, like usual.

- Well, of course, dear.

You were always a happy child.

- Yeah.

I know. Anyway, I'm walkin' in...

- Hi, daddy. - Hi, daddy.

- Hey, everybody. - Hi, daddy.

- [cheerfully] hi!

- Uhh.

- How was your day?

- Everything's fine.

- Great. What's for dinner?

- I haven't made you anything yet, ray.

Can you wait?

- Fine.

I'll make my own dinner.

[whistling]

Mmm, tuna fish.

Where is that can opener?

- It's in the drawer.

- What?

- The can opener is in the utensil drawer.

- Rightie-oh.

Ah.

- Yeah, I bought a new one.

- Oh. Did we need a new can opener?

- It's better. Okay?

It cuts from the side so there's no sharp edges.

- How does this thing work?

- You put it on the can. You twist the thing.

You open...The can!

[sighs]

- Great. A better can opener.

[laughs]

- What's so funny?

- Whoop! Whoop! Whoa! [laughs]

Would you look at this?

- Oh, use a fork. God.

- Hmm?

- Oop.

- Was--was there something wrong with the other can opener?

- There's nothing wrong with this can opener.

- [chuckling] no, nothing's wrong, honey.

I mean, I would've preferred the tuna on bread,

But, you know, it's...

It's just as delicious right out of the sink.

[laughing]

- This is the can opener I bought, okay, ray?

Because it's better.

It's not stupid, and I'm not stupid!

- What'd I say?

And I'm not exaggerating.

- It's just that sometimes he's such a jerk!

- Given. Details?

- Last night, okay? The kids are a mess.

I'm tryin' to hold everything together.

- You're the glue, debra. Everyone knows that.

- Anyway, you know, he comes home...

[kids all shouting]

- Oh, please, come on.

- I'm gonna run away.

- No! Don't run away.

Mommy would miss you so much.

Yes, she would.

Oh, come on. Sit, sit, sit. Let's eat.

Hey, daddy's home. Hi, ray.

- Yeah. - Hi, daddy.

- [flatly] how was your day?

- Oh, gosh. Well, actually, it was--

- Great. What's for dinner?

- I haven't had time to make you anything yet, ray.

If you could just wait.

- [grouchily] fine.

Make my own dinner.

Again.

Mmm! Tuna fish.

Son of a--well, where's the can opener?

- Uh, it's in the drawer.

- What?

- The can opener's in the utensil drawer.

- Right.

[loud rattling]

- Here.

See? I bought a new one.

- [irritated] did we need a new can opener?

- It's better; it cuts the can from the side

So there's no sharp edges.

- How does this thing work?

- Look.

See? You just put it on the can.

You twist the thing, and it opens the can.

- Mmm. - Huh?

- Great, a better can opener.

[chuckles] - what's so funny?

Nothing!

Oh, great. Would you look at this?

Oh, my god! Tuna juice! Oh, my god!

- Here.

Sweetie, use a fork.

- Was there somethin' wrong with the old can opener?

- Well, there's nothing wrong with this can opener.

- Oh, no. Nothing's wrong, honey.

I mean, I would've preferred the tuna on bread,

But it's just as delicious right out of the sink.

- No, ray, this is the can opener I bought

Because...It was better.

I mean, it's not stupid,

And--and I'm not...Stupid.

- What'd I say?

- That bastard.

- I don't know; one--one little comment about a can opener,

And...She freaks out,

Like the time I bet the kids

They couldn't hit the ceiling fan with a plum.

- Ray, I am going to give you the secret to marital bliss.

- After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?

- You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with robert,

The hormones turned her into a nut case.

She'd cry for no reason.

Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle.

She was, like, demented.

- That's not true.

- Sure, it was. You were always grabbin' at me.

- I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby.

I needed help getting up.

- Nonetheless.

Did it bother me? No.

Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person.

I decided from that day on

To never waste time trying to understand your mother.

I just accept she's insane.

- I must be.

- You two are crazy in love. That's what it is.

- Oh, no, no. Raymond, don't go.

We were having such a nice talk about debra.

I love that kind of talk.

- Yeah. I know you do, ma.

- Just keep telling yourself she's nuts.

Saves time.

- I'm not one to choose sides,

But this looks like an excellent can opener.

- Oh, boy.

I think I need some pepto.

May I?

- Sure. Go ahead.

- [burps]

- What are you doin'?

- Changing my shirt.

- Sorry I spilled milk on your shirt.

- Oh.

It's okay.

I'm sorry about the...

You know.

- It's okay. Forget it.

- Okay.

All right, so... I'll see you.

See you later.

- Aren't you gonna kiss me good-bye?

- Oh. Yeah.

- You know, ray,

I just want you to really understand

Why I was upset about the can opener last night.

- Oh, I understand. I know why.

I do. Okay. So... I'll see you later.

- I--I mean, you really...Know why?

- Sure. Sure, I know.

I...Totally know.

- Okay. Thanks.

- Okay. Good.

So should I bring home a pizza tonight or somethin'?

- Yeah, sure; if that's what you want, that'd be great.

- Okay. Good, good. All right.

I'll see you later. - Okay.

- Hello, dears. - Hi, ma. Bye, ma.

- Oh, raymond, I'm glad you're still here.

I have something that might fix everything.

- What do you mean?

- Everything's fine, ma.

- What is it, marie?

What is it?

- It's--it's one of my old ones.

It's the kind that actually works.

- Ray?

- Ohhh...

It's all right, dear.

We all make mistakes.

- What is this?

- Don't be upset, dear.

It's only a can opener.

- So I'm thinking

Maybe you didn't really understand, ray,

Why I was upset.

- Again, I got nothin' to do with this.

Like, I don't know why she brought that thing over here.

- So what did you do, ray,

Run across the street and tell your mom

What a horrible woman you're married to?

- Raymond never said "horrible."

- Would you stop?

- Marie, sun's up, plate's empty.

Where are my eggs?

- Frank.

- Oh, yeah. The can opener.

It's not your fault, debra.

I understand hormones.

- What the hell did you tell them?

- Hormones was his theory.

It did sound like your reaction to the can opener

Was a little... Dramatic.

- Woo-woo-woo.

Frank, I can see and hear you.

- Hunhh!

- You were completely out of line last night.

- I gotta get to work. - How dare you?

Not only were you completely wrong,

But you made me out to be the crazy one.

- Hey, deb, I finished the pepto.

Is this about me?

- No, dear, it's nothing.

All I did was bring debra my old can opener.

- Oh, ray, just use the new one.

Stop being a jerk.

- Jerk? What? What?

What do you know about it?

- He doesn't know anything about it.

- Now, you stick to your guns, deb, okay?

Raymond's a jerk.

I know the whole story, jerk.

One little drop of fish juice,

And you squeal like a stuck pig.

- You told him that? Huh? I did not do that.

And by the way, the whole can dumped on me.

- Oh, it was one drop, you baby.

- One drop? It was like I stuck my arm up a tuna.

- Jerkbaby.

- Shut up, huh?! What--what'd you tell him?

- I told him the truth:

That you come home all, "what's for dinner?

"oh, a can?

"how...Make... Tuna...Out?

"oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!"

- Ha ha ha!

- That's me, huh? Well, this is you.

This is you.

"meh meh meh meh

Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh!"

- Wait a minute. That sounds like marie.

- Yeah, that's really great, ray, comin' home

And givin' me crap about a can opener.

- I didn't give you crap,

And it's a stupid can opener!

- It's not stupid!

It gets rid of sharp edges!

- And the tuna!

- All right, hold it. - No!

- You shut up! - Hey!

Now, you listen to me.

We happen to have an opportunity here

For some real personal growth

Through active dialogue.

- [snoring]

- Stop it, dad!

Now, the two of you have to just come out

And say what's really botherin' you underneath

And get it out in the open and deal with it.

'cause if there's one thing I have learned

In my many years of experience

With domestic disputes,

It is this--

It's never just about the can opener.

- Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.

- How could you mention that?

- I'll mention it.

You went nuts over nothin'.

- I had every right to go nuts

With you for a husband.

- Don't go nuts. Just go.

- Ohh!

- Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

What jar of fat?

- Unhhh... - Ahhh...

- I'll tell you what jar of fat.

It was beautiful.

It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.

You'd have to be a cook to understand.

But it was months of carefully selecting

Only the best drippings

To prepare meals for il duce.

- Yeah, you made all those meals just for me,

And then you went out jogging.

- That was my kitchen!

You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat.

- That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

- You're selfish! - Fat collector!

- Oh, you never appreciated me, ever!

You never, ever appreciated me!

I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids,

With the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry.

And then you'd waltz in with your list of demands

And not even a thank you.

- That's right. - Debra understands.

- You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you?

I waltzed in, huh?

I dragged my ass home every day

After 10 hours stuck in a suit,

Stuck in an office,

Stuck in a car.

And if I needed coins to pay the tolls

That got me to that job that paid for that meat

That made that fat,

Then I'll dump it out whenever I want,

And I don't care what you say!

- That's right. You don't care.

You have never cared

About how hard I work just to serve you.

- Hey, I don't have to care.

That's your job.

- On the other hand...

Sometimes it can be about the can opener.

- That's what I was gonna say.

- Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. - I'm sorry.

- Yeah. Me too. Sorry.

- That's it?

"sorry"?

That's all you got?

At least when we fight, stuff comes out.

- Some of it will be coming out

When we get home.

Let's go.

- Coming.

- So that's my job, frank?

- Yeah. I--I didn't say you were bad at it.

- Thank you!

I'm still mad at you.

- Well, that's all right.

At least it's not about a can opener.

- [chuckling] a can opener.

- Good luck, ray!

Ooh ooh ooh ooh.

- I can still see you, frank.

- You know what's great, uh, after an argument?

It's the way we make up. [chuckles]

- Can I ask you somethin', ray?

You don't think it's my job

Just to cook and clean for you, do you?

- You don't understand.

We already had the argument.

This is the making-up part.

- No, no. It's just--

No, what your father said to your mother.

That's what was bothering me

About that whole can opener thing.

I mean, I just feel

With, like, everything I have to do around here,

Sometimes you kinda take me for granted.

- I don't.

I appreciate everything that you do.

I do, and, you know,

I just hope that you don't take me for granted.

- What do you mean?

- Uh...Ahh, it's nothin'.

- No. Really, I want to know.

- Well, it's just...

Like, sometimes I feel when I come to bed that...

I'm just somebody

Who's here to lay next to you.

You know?

And...And that's all.

- Yeah, all right. All right, ray.

- No, 'cause I need to feel like I'm more than that.

- You should stop talkin'.

- Okay. I mean, it's just nice to be acknowledged.

- Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with.