Original subtitles

- I'm raising five kids, and I didn't miss last week.

What's your excuse?

Shut the fuck up!

I need you to get a will notarized.

- Will? - Aunt ginger's.

- A will's no good without a death certificate.

- Yeah, we're gonna need a body too.

- A real live body? - Not live.

- I'm here to file a will, please.

- Ginger gallagher. Second one today.

Supersedes yours.

- Who the hell filed it? Cousin patrick.

Both: Are you out of your fucking mind?

- Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation.

- Okay, let's get this going.

- [laughs] - shh, knock it off, mama.

- How many more times are we gonna have to do this?

- Until we complete the mission.

- You guys look like you could use some help.

- You can go home.

- You know what? Have her stick around.

I got to hit the alibi in ten minutes anyway.

- I'm good to stay. - Please just go home

To your own fucking house for once.

- You mind if I make one of these out to cash?

Nothing big, just some walking around money.

- Joint bank account is for immigration only.

- Have a heart. I'm tapped.

- Mom. - Oh!

- Where is he, my baby?

- He's where he belongs for now,

And you're back where you belong.

- Now, if I allow you to retain your parental rights,

Would you consent to your daughter becoming guardian?

- Works for me.

- Would you agree to be the guardian of these children?

- Yes, I do.

[high strung's the luck you got]

♪

- ♪ think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ you were beaming once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside

♪ that you speak of?

♪ what is this feeling

♪ you're so sure of?

♪

♪ round up the friends you got ♪

♪ know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ you were willing once before ♪

♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ what is this downside

♪ that you speak of?

♪ what is this feeling

♪ you're so sure of?

- Thank you all for coming out in honor of aunt ginger.

"g.G." as I called her.

You know, when the guy at the funeral place

Handed me her ashes, I thought,

What the hell do I do with these?

Put 'em in a vase on my mantle?

Or scatter them at the park or the lake?

Then I thought, no,

I know where she was happiest.

On this corner, her corner,

Where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.

- And 60s!

- She did magic tricks? - No, no, no, son.

"turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution.

In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker.

Could unlock her jaw like a burmese python.

- We are at her funeral.

- You know, some think gallaghers

Don't have a work ethic,

But ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow,

Her old knees hitting that hard pavement

Again and again.

Bertie giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her.

- Look, you all knew ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it.

She was a mean old bitch.

But even a mean old bitch deserves a send-off.

- Hear, hear.

- So this is us, ginger,

Sending you off,

Right where you belong.

- It's touching.

- I'm tearing up.

- Okay, kids, let's go.

- Patrick.

So ginger had a will that we didn't know about,

And you just had it sitting in a drawer?

- Yep.

- And even though she hated your guts,

She left our house to you?

- It was never your house.

- It's weird, you know,

How she signed the will only a year ago,

You know, her being an invalid and all.

- Signed and notarized.

- I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.

- I gotta get back to my family.

- Six kids with nowhere else to go.

- Why don't we talk about this

When the sting of losing ginger has worn off, hmm?

Tomorrow, maybe?

- You want to tell them or should I?

- V, your mom's here.

Ooh. You look really nice, carol.

- Thank you, honey. - You do look nice.

Where'd you get that dress? - Madison's.

- And those shoes.

You doing something at church later?

- I'm ovulating again.

- Ovulating?

No, it's not until next week. I got the calendar.

- High body temperature, sore breasts,

Increased cervical mucus.

- We believe you, mama.

- Well, if you all want to try again,

We have a four-day window.

- Guess no need to waste an opportunity, right, baby?

- What, you wanna do this right now?

Like, right now?

- Well, I can come back.

- No, no need.

I'm like a stud bull.

You open the barn door, slap me on the ass.

You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door,"

I don't mean your, um--

Uh, do you guys want a drink?

- I'll get three glasses.

- Are you sure you just want to jump into this?

You don't want a minute to think?

- Waiting isn't gonna make it easier.

- All right, I'm gonna block everything out,

And I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.

- I picture denzel washington. - Oh, for real?

- When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy,

Eh, then I go with johnny depp.

- Oh?

- You appreciate the irony, right?

Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom,

Refusing to allow me to stay.

Now, nobody gets to stay. - Why is frank here again?

- There's a small chance he'll be able to help

Since he's known patrick longer than any of us.

- Patrick wants to steal our house?

- He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it.

Slap a coat of paint on it,

Call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war,"

And offload it to yuppies.

- Not gonna happen.

So let's go over our options. - I'll write them down.

- All right, look, we know the will is bullshit.

It was signed a year ago,

And ginger's been dead for what, 10?

- More like 15.

- Option one: Prove will is a forgery.

- We can't call the cops because we faked ginger's death

And forged a will of our own.

- Plus frank's been cashing ginger's social security checks.

- Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

- What we could do, we could argue

That ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it.

I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

- Option two: Say ginger was crazy.

- Or convince patrick to back off somehow.

- Yeah, that's three. - Good luck with that!

His nickname used to be pit bull.

It was partly an odor thing,

But also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go.

You gotta kill him first.

- Option four: Kill patrick.

- It's time to face reality.

Patrick out-gallaghered us,

And there's no point in fighting it.

- Easy for you to say, you're at sheila's.

- So before you're out on the streets

Like so many somalian refugees, ask yourselves,

"if patrick is taking the house,

What are we taking?"

Copper pipes.

- You're not taking the pipes, frank.

You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

- Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

- All in favor.

Unanimous.

- Well, like hell it is.

- Lip will handle the will.

The rest of you,

Get ready for the first day of school tomorrow.

Debbie and carl, pick out something to wear

That doesn't have holes.

- Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

- Clothes, now.

We better work fast.

Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

- This is why democracy does not work.

- Time to get out the "help wanted" ads.

- How you holding up? - You know what I want?

Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the caribbean.

I want normal people problems.

Like, am I getting enough fiber?

Why did my friend say that insensitive thing

About my weight?

- Well, it'll work out, it always does.

- You realize only rich people say shit like that.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- That we have no backup plan.

There's no running to mom and dad.

- And that's what I do?

- I'm saying neither one of us has a job.

One week with me as their guardian,

One, they're about to be homeless.

- Then we'll get jobs.

I mean, the gallaghers are survivors, right?

We can do this.

- We?

- You, me, we.

- Since when are you a lawyer?

- Since never,

Which is why I have to read up on this shit.

- How 'bout I give you a hummer,

Help you relax?

- I don't think that's gonna help my productivity.

- You can multitask.

- ♪ said I find it hard

♪ to get through to you - oh.

Would you, uh...

Would you be offended if I kept working?

[knock at door]

- Yo, can we talk?

- Yeah, if you can talk from out there.

- It's private.

- ♪ that was time that I made for you ♪

- Well, this better be good.

- ♪ you gotta get what you want ♪

♪ sometimes you're in love ♪

♪ but sometimes

♪ oh, baby, sometimes ♪

♪ you gotta get what you need ♪

- I rang the doorbell,

But ian had me wait out here.

I don't think he likes me anymore.

- Don't think he ever liked you.

- I got your message.

- Right, the one where I told you to go fuck yourself?

- It was nice to hear your voice.

- The eiffel tower?

- Yeah, this guy said he'd take me to paris,

So I had this done.

But he took all my money

And tried to sell me to a sheikh from yemen.

So, yeah, things got bad for a little while.

But anyways,

I'm-- I'm home now.

- Well, that sounds shitty.

- Is mandy inside?

- Yeah.

- So that's why ian had me wait out here?

- That'd be my guess.

- Are you happy?

- Sure.

- Well, good, because I want you to be happy.

You deserve it.

- All right, well, I--

I better get back.

- You look good.

- Welcome back.

- Plumber's apprentice. I can do that.

- You have experience? - I fixed our toilet.

- You shook the handle. Well, here's a good one.

Barista at the coffee beanery.

Shelly espinosa works there, makes like 20 grand.

- A month? A year?

Shit. How do people live on that?

- So the cleaning posse guys called back.

An effluent tank overflowed at the slaughterhouse.

They can use us both. $14.50 an hour.

- A what tank? - Effluent.

- See, I told you it would work out.

- It's so exciting having you back in your old room.

- I just wish I had seen hymie in his crib.

- Well, mrs. Wong can bring hymie by anytime.

- How is he?

- He's wonderful.

Oh, my gosh, he is such a sweet boy.

And now that you're home, I'm sure the wongs

Will let us spend more time with him.

- I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

- I know you want to be involved in hymie's life.

In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.

- Support for what?

- For families affected with down's syndrome.

I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves

About hymie's needs.

- Be grateful the kid's not here.

- Butt out, frank!

- Children in the cambodian killing fields

Turned their parents over for execution.

A lifetime of devotion, that's the loyalty it buys you.

- Who wants lasagna?

Oh, karen, please put your pants on.

- What? It's not like I'm naked.

- I'm in recovery. I'm hypersensitive.

- That's a good idea.

- Jody, there's only three plates here.

You might want to get one for karen.

[both mouthing silently]

- I'm gonna go make a salad.

- Oh, great.

Um...

Frank.

- Uh-huh?

- Honey, we've been through a lot together.

- That we have, sheils, that we have.

- Um, but hymie's gone,

And with karen and jody here, it's kind of a full house.

- What?

No. No, no, no, don't say that.

- Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.

- My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being.

Do you want me homeless?

Do you want me wandering the streets

Just as old man winter

Winds his way down from the frozen north?

- Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?

- Just as I'm getting my life together.

I'm going to a.A.

- You go because a judge ordered you to go.

- Sheila.

- Frank, you're a good man,

But you've got to find another place to stay.

- Jesus, carl, there's enough to go around.

Would you grab the paper bags?

- If we have to move, where do we go?

- We're not moving.

How's it going with ginger's will?

- Working on it.

- V, thanks for taking liam today.

- I pretend he's my little black baby,

And when he's cranky and smelly, I get to bring him back.

- Where is liam?

- Trying out the big boy toilet.

- And you left him there?

Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out

For your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.

- I borrowed it from mandy. - Clearly.

- You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?

- Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.

[knocking at door] somebody get that.

Mandy, she's 13.

She's not working the bedroom at the mustang ranch.

- Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt

When you were her age.

- Jeez, fi, she's just trying to help.

[knocking at door] I'll get it.

- Can you take liam tomorrow too?

- Not sure yet.

Those fruits of islam people on 4th have a free daycare.

If I say I hate whitey,

I bet they'll watch him for a few hours.

So is lip getting serious about mandy skankovich?

- Nice.

- Oh, shit, mandy, I'm sorry.

You know I would have never said that to your face.

Should I apologize or leave?

I'm gonna leave.

- You and I both know you're not entitled to shit.

- Patrick?

- You remember my sons, desmond and warren.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, just a quick walkthrough

To assess repairs, shouldn't take too long.

- It'd be quicker if you just left.

- You're the ones that are gonna be leaving.

- Assuming your bullshit will stands up in court.

- Eh, probate hearing is on Thursday.

- This Thursday?

- Uh-huh. Why prolong the inevitable?

I'm gonna need you out on Saturday,

So I can spray the place with insecticide,

Rip up this piss carpet,

And, you know, make it livable.

Boys, start upstairs.

- We've got kids living here,

And you're just gonna throw us out?

How do you sleep at night?

- Don't blame your miserable goddamn lives on me.

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, listen up.

Some of you have inquired about our petition.

We have demanded that lincoln grove high school

Offer programs for special students

To help them fit in with their classmates.

[applause]

- Aren't you glad we came? - Yeah.

- Great, also concerning the "r" word,

We have demanded a school policy

Forbidding students and faculty from using that word.

- Retard. - Excuse me.

- Retard. You can't even say it.

So how do we talk about it?

- We all know your opinion on this, jeremy.

But right now I'm the one speaking.

- Brothers and sisters,

Words only have power if we give them power.

We must take back the word "retard."

Make it ours.

- Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.

- I'm not your sweetheart, bitch.

[all gasp]

- Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well,

But many of us here think it's time

That we reclaim and redefine the word.

And since normies don't get called "retard,"

They don't have a say in this.

- Normies do not get a say.

- What's a "normie"?

- I think it's slang for non-retards.

- Hey, fabio, do you mind? - Sorry.

- I don't care how it's used.

I don't want anybody calling my son that word ever.

It's incredibly hurtful.

- Even if we did get rid of it,

Someone will just think up another way of saying it.

- That's right. The queers took back their word.

- It's different. - How is it different?

It's not like race issues disappear

If people stop saying nigger.

- Shut the fuck up!

I can say it, you can't.

- Retards, we must band together.

- The way to get respect is to take respect,

And normies can help us get that message out.

Raise your hand if you're with us!

- Yeah. [indistinct chatter]

- Me-tard, you-tard,

Retard nation.

Me-tard, you-tard,

Retard nation.

All: Me-tard, you-tard,

Retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard,

Retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation!

Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation!

- You digging that smell? - Did something die in here?

- A couple thousand somethings.

- It gets better after awhile. - How?

- Your brain sort of short-circuits,

Shuts off your sense of smell.

- Tape everything up, gloves and boots.

We got solids in there today.

- Solids?

- Maggots, roaches, rats, flies.

You got roaches inside your suit

Going crazy, running all over your short hairs,

Hard to focus on work.

- Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.

- Keep your mouth shut, and I don't mean shut up.

I mean, don't let anything splash in your mouth.

- Your girlfriend gonna be okay?

- Thank you, everyone, for sharing.

Have a good day.

- [groans]

Great meeting.

I just need to get my slip signed for the court.

- Okay. Let's see.

I guess we'll see you twice a week for at least six months.

Keep coming back, frank.

- As if I had a fucking choice.

- Congratulations. - What?

- I said congratulations.

During group share, you said you're two years sober,

Unless I misunderstood.

- No, that's right. Two years today.

- Oh, only six weeks for me. It hasn't been easy.

I was downing cleaning products, mouthwash.

- You ever try sterno? - Love sterno.

- It's ridiculous what passes

For alcoholism with this group.

Her two-hour blackout? I mean, come on.

I blacked out a year. Am I whining about it?

Or the guy that lost his job and banged his sister-in-law?

Where I come from, that's Friday night.

[both chuckle]

- But you've been sober two years, that's amazing.

- But it's because you don't need booze

To fill the gaping hole in your life.

It's about being in the moment.

A meatball sub.

A bears game on the television. Simple pleasures.

- Simple pleasures, right.

Frank, I'm chris or christopher.

I hope you don't mind if I ask.

Would you be my sponsor?

- Would I-- - sponsor me in the program.

My previous sponsor moved out and went to leesburg.

That's in florida.

- Right, right. But here's the thing.

Much as I'd love to help,

And inspiring as I would no doubt be,

Your best sponsor is yourself.

- I understand. Take care.

- Wait.

You said your last sponsor moved out.

What, he-- what, he lived with you?

- Yeah. - In a house?

You live in a house, an apartment, what?

- A house.

- I'm sorry, let me introduce myself properly.

I'm frank gallagher. Tell me your name again.

- It's chris or christopher. - Christopher, right.

- [gags]

I'm getting out. I'm getting out.

- What are you doing?

- Ah, fuck.

I'm sorry, but no one speaking english as a first language

Should be doing this job.

- The money's good.

- Not that good.

- So much for "you, me, we."

- I can feel cockroaches under my suit.

On my back! Hit me on my back!

Hit me on my--fuck.

- Oh.

Oh, hey, these candles are a nice idea.

- Mom brought 'em. - Oh, she did?

- Just look at me.

That's it.

- Oh, shit.

- You're a stud bull, aren't you, baby?

- Oh, yeah.

- Hold that thought. Mom!

Jump in between us. Hurry up.

- Wasn't sure when to bring this up,

But maybe I could use a little warm-up this time.

- Warming up, like a jog around the block?

'cause if you're asking kev to go down on you,

I can tell you right now that is not happening.

- Women are more likely to conceive if they have an orgasm.

I read it in cosmo.

It pulls the sperm up into--

- The conversation is not happening on this end,

Just saying.

- Hey, sorry I bailed. - Don't be sorry.

I'm sure tons of guys would leave their girlfriends alone

To shovel blood and shit.

- I went down to the coffee beanery and got a job.

- How much per hour?

- I mean, you know, not as much as the cleaning posse,

But all the coffee you can drink.

- Full-time? - Close.

- How close? - Part-time.

There are opportunities for advancement.

The manager was saying--

- We've reconvened the cousin patrick war council.

- No luck on the legal front?

- No, it turns out it's pretty hard to prove

That someone had dementia when they signed a will.

In our case, very fucking hard.

- Because she was already dead.

- What was option two again? - We're on three now.

Convince patrick to back off.

- Or option four, kill patrick.

- Back to three. Convince him how?

- We get my brothers to go around and scare him a little.

- No way. Enough with the brothers milkovich.

- Nothing fatal.

Hit him with a bat a couple of times,

A little pistol whipping.

They'll want $500 for it,

But if I help mickey move some meth next week,

They'll settle for $200.

- That's a discount beating.

What do you say? - Guys, we can't--

- We need a house.

- Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be scraping blood and shit

From under my fingernails,

And then I'll be at v's getting drunk,

Pretending I didn't just order a hit on a relative.

- All right.

- Frank, what are you doing?

- Sheila, this is christopher.

As his a.A. Sponsor,

I'm helping him to walk the straight and narrow.

- Well, that's nice, but how can you be his sponsor when you--

- I said to him, "if you're serious about recovery,

"you're gonna need 24-hour-a-day oversight.

I'm just gonna have to move in with you."

- Really?

- That frank would do this, disrupt his own life...

- All I ask in return is your sobriety.

Here, take this down to your van.

- Oh! Nice meeting you.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

Thank you, frank. Great job.

- Never let it be said that frank gallagher

Outstays his welcome.

- Karen, look what they gave me when I offered to volunteer.

Pamphlets and buttons and a banner and t-shirts.

Why don't you come with me tomorrow?

I'm gonna have a table outside the market.

- No, thanks, mom. - Can I ask why not?

- Because they call themselves retard nation.

It's offensive. - No, we're--we're--

We're challenging society's preconceptions.

- This is genius. "I am a retard."

- Yeah, but read the back.

- "and proud." I'm gonna need five of these.

A lot of retards at the alibi.

- Frank, I'm not comfortable with how you're using that word.

- Retard? You're saying it.

- Yeah, but you don't have down's syndrome.

- Neither do you.

- I know, but my intent is to defend free speech

And to further public awareness and end hate.

And your intent is simply to be rude.

- Hello?

V?

Oh!

Uh, oh, sorry.

Oh.

Ahh.

Ugh, ah.

- That threw me off. Periscope down.

[door creaks open]

- Hey.

Look, you need to back off the gallagher house.

If you don't, you'll be sorry.

- [groans]

- Fuck's sake.

- A .22?

You sure it'll stop me? - You want to find out?

What the fuck are you doing? Get up and knock him on his ass.

I got him covered.

- I'd like you to meet the wife, ellen.

- They're removing the toilets.

- I'll get some buckets.

- I guess it didn't work out with your brothers.

- Mandy, we getting our money back?

- Minus $100. He took a chain off mickey.

- Over there. By the couch.

Yeah, just leave it. - Bye, honey, off to work.

- Why is he leaving a toilet in our living room?

- Bye, honey! I'm off to work!

- We are so losing the house.

- I told you we are going-- - to be fine, I know.

But will we be fine here or somewhere else?

- The probate hearing is tomorrow.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

If not, I will find us a place to live, okay?

Please drop liam at v's on your way to school.

Everyone else, grab a lunch and head out.

No truant gallaghers today.

- You know, being guardian doesn't make you super-mom.

- You noticed.

- I'm just saying, it's not all on you.

Thanks.

[drill whirring]

- How are you this morning?

- Never better.

Replacing the toilet with a low-flow model,

Much more efficient.

- I bet it lowers the water bill.

- Oh, without question.

- Patrick, we got off on the wrong foot.

- Sending mickey milkovich over with a baseball bat, hmm?

Is that the foot you mean?

- If we let you take the house, will you rent it to us?

- Sure.

Call it $1,800 a month,

First, last, and deposit.

- You know we don't have that kind of--

- No?

I thought living in squalor was a lifestyle choice.

- It's just that when we first started this with mom,

We approached it like a medical procedure,

But these last few times, is it me,

Or was she acting like she was on a date?

- She always dresses nice.

- Musk perfume, gold tips.

When has she ever worn gold tips to our house, kev?

- Like I'd notice.

- So you have no idea what I'm talking about?

- Baby, maybe she made an extra effort.

- Aha! - What's wrong with that?

- Low-cut dress, fuck-me pumps.

- Maybe she's excited to have a grandchild,

Wants me to be properly motivated.

- And that doesn't freak you out?

- This whole thing freaks me out,

And I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm like a professional athlete.

If I think, it affects my performance.

My job is to not think.

- ♪ whoa oh oh whoa oh oh ♪

- Fuck! Fuck!

- [laughs]

- ♪ whoa oh oh

- If you're gonna follow me to work,

How about giving me a ride?

- Not your chauffeur, bro.

Don't burn the milk.

It's not good when you burn it.

- Jimmy!

Andy from med school.

I'm at county general down the street.

- No kidding.

Good to see you.

- I love this place. Great coffee.

You're a working man now, huh?

- Oh, management trainee.

You know, they won't let you buy a franchise

Till you run one of their stores.

- Nice.

I hear these places are a gold mine.

- What can I get you, man?

- Hey, you know adam britt, nick stathis, mark?

They're all doing residencies in chicago.

Nick's ortho, mark's a surgeon.

We're grabbing dinner tomorrow night.

You should join us.

- Yeah, sounds fun.

But I'm not sure if I can.

- They would love to see you. You gotta come.

Um, double cappuccino with non-fat.

- I was gonna wait for the landlord,

But somebody already kicked the door in for us.

- That's considerate.

At least it's in our price range.

- Barely.

- Well, it's not like we live in the gold coast now.

Place just needs some paint, a case of roach motels.

Down the road, maybe we save some money

And find a house back in our old hood.

- Need a crack pipe?

- Better not touch that.

- Touch it? I'm ready to smoke out of it.

I guess I'll call the landlord and tell him we'll take it.

- [retching]

- I need you to watch your baby brother.

And who's that puking on his timberlands?

- Cousin patrick.

He's got nausea, shortness of breath,

Blood in urine, severe illness, and death.

- What the hell are you reading?

- Rat poison.

- Hi! Hi!

We are retard nation.

Yeah, we're a local organization,

But as the name suggests, we are going national.

We're promoting the idea that people with down's syndrome

Need to reclaim their own identities

In order to define themselves.

So if you'd like to, you can make a donation

Or if you'd like to buy a t-shirt or just--

- What the hell is this?

- Well, we're a local organization, retard nation--

- Take it down now.

- Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that.

- Lady, you're not gonna stand in front of my market

With this goddamn sign.

Now pack it up now, or I'll do it, all right?

- Sir, we will not be intimidated by normies.

- By what? - By normies.

- God damn it, get this crap out of here.

- Don't! - All of it.

Ma'am, I'm very sorry-- - don't!

- Do not touch me in front of my market.

This is hate speech. Get your hands off of me.

- Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation.

- So this is it.

It's only a one-bedroom, but I'm at work a lot.

- Christopher. - Yeah, frank?

- In order for the healing to begin,

It's important that you be honest

And tell me where you hide your booze.

Under the cushions? Back of the closet?

I know all the tricks.

- I threw it out.

- Do you mind if I look around in case you missed a bottle?

- Yeah, yeah, that's smart.

- Where do you work?

- I'm a vet tech for the city.

I deal with stray cats and dogs.

- Meaning you kill them?

- In veterinary parlance, it's called "control."

Sometimes I rescue a beauty like bessie there.

It makes me feel better about it all.

Hey, I've got a surprise for you.

Why don't I grab it?

- What sort of surprise? - You'll see!

- Hey.

You know your dog is dead, right?

- Taxidermy is a hobby of mine.

- [sighs]

So when you say rescue,

You mean bring them home and stuff them,

Because most people, when they used that word--

- Meatball subs!

Like you said, remember?

Simple pleasures. Living in the moment.

- Sounds like something I would say.

- You mentioned you're a bears fan.

There's no game on, but I've got last season's highlights.

You eat, I'll cue it up.

Want a blanket?

It's kind of chilly.

- I have a new respect for baristas.

It turns out it's a highly demanding craft.

Who knew?

You just keep burning the shit out of your--

What's up?

- Tell him.

- I killed patrick.

- What?

- Option four: Kill patrick. Why skip an option?

- The whole "life in prison" thing, sweetheart.

- I realize you've had sketchy parental role models, okay?

But as your newly appointed guardian,

Can we agree that offing people is not cool?

Can we get on the same page with that?

- Yeah.

- If this comes back to us,

If we get charged with homicide,

Do you realize how serious that is?

What?

- Liam.

- Oh, liam.

- Oh, got him in time.

- We need to come up with an explanation

In case the cops tie this to us.

Like we have rats, and carl threw poison everywhere.

- That works. - It does?

- Anyone who knows you will know it's not far-fetched.

Debbie, go get everyone, so we can get our story straight.

- Okay.

- I'm raising a sociopath.

- I'm sure that your cousin went to the hospital,

So he'll probably live.

Hopefully.

- Mandy, I thought that was you.

- What the fuck you doing here? - Re-enrolling.

So I know you're seeing lip,

But like I told him, I think it's great.

- You talked to lip?

- I came by last Tuesday to say hi.

I didn't come inside.

Lip didn't want me inside

Because, you know, he didn't want to upset you.

- Why would I be upset?

- Oh, you wouldn't.

Forget it.

I just meant I'm happy for you guys.

- Latte.

Wait till you try these pancakes.

Organic blueberries.

- You're adjusting very well for an addict.

- Thanks to you, sponsor.

If it weren't for you,

This place would be littered with whiskey bottles.

- What was your drink of choice?

- Terry's.

- Never heard of that.

- Terry's, uh, malted whiskey.

- You mean malt whiskey? Like single malt?

- Well, all kinds of malt.

Get up in the morning and drink a full keg of beer.

Man, was that bad.

- A keg is 15 gallons.

I didn't know better,

I would think you're making stuff up.

Our relationship is based on honesty, christopher.

- I tried to drink alcohol.

I just don't like the taste.

- Jesus christ! You're not an alcoholic?

- Forgive me.

- Well, then why go to a.A.? Why have me as your sponsor?

- Please, frank, please, don't move out.

Everything is going so good with us.

I won't lie to you again.

I promise.

I'll make us prime rib. - [groans]

- Last night of mom's ovulation cycle, thank god.

She just needs to screw kev and not enjoy it.

That's not unreasonable.

- That's what every daughter wants from her mother.

What time is it?

- 3:15 and still no patrick.

- We don't want him to come, do we?

- It's kind of a toss-up.

- If he does show, the judge gives our house away.

If he doesn't, he's probably dead,

So we get to keep the house until we all go to prison.

- The estate of ginger gallagher.

- Here we go.

- Guys.

- [cough]

- What now? Start packing?

- Fiona said that you guys found a place to rent.

Did you take any photos?

You're kidding. You're serious.

- You knew karen was in town, didn't you?

- I heard that, yeah.

- You heard it.

- I saw her.

- Saw her or fucked her?

If you've got a problem with me being here, just say so.

I don't want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted,

So man up, tell me.

- I have a problem with you being here.

You act like we had a conversation,

Never happened.

That I said it was okay for you to leave your stuff here

And show up uninvited, do my laundry, and act like my wife.

But we--we never had that conversation,

Did we?

I never asked you to be here.

- I don't fucking deserve this.

- You found a new house for rent?

That's great.

- Landlord says it's ours if we want it.

- New school?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I never should have let this happen.

I'm so sorry.

- I'm kind of sick of this place anyway.

Nice to have a change.

[coco jones's holla at the dj]

- [speaking portuguese]

- Hey.

Going out tonight with some medical school friends.

Totally upstanding citizens. You wanna give me a ride?

- I'm not your chauffeur, man, I told you before.

- "not your chauffeur," right.

So you'd rather me take the el train,

Make you get out of your car to follow me.

- ♪ tell him turn it up

- Chicago and la salle.

- ♪ tell him turn it up

♪ holla at the dj, and tell him turn it up ♪

♪

- Don't you look nice. - Yes, she does.

- I brought some rose

And some more candles and some cds.

You like d'angelo, kevie?

You know, a little music to set the mood.

- It's great you want to set the mood, mama.

It's just kev and I want to keep this straightforward,

More like a procedure.

- As opposed to what?

- A date. - Excuse me?

I'm not some whore who comes over in a raggedy t-shirt,

Has relations with your boyfriend, and leaves.

If we gonna do this,

We might as well get some ambiance up in here.

Otherwise, get some trashy thing

Won't mind if you bend her over the kitchen table.

- She didn't mean it like that, mama.

- Is this happening or not?

I want to hear my cd.

[knocking at door]

- Come in.

Oh.

Not who I was expecting.

- That guy in new york, he, uh, he really take your money?

- Think I would lie about that?

- Well, why not?

It'll make everyone feel bad for you, lower their guard.

Poor karen, back home with her tail between her legs.

- That's right.

It's all an act.

- You talk to mandy? - Who?

Oh, mandy, right. Yeah, at school.

Kind of a skank, don't you think?

- So you dropped napalm on my relationship

Without even getting your hands dirty.

Well, it's not like you lost your touch.

- What do you want?

- Take your clothes off.

[horn honks]

- Hey!

Hey!

You think that t-shirt's funny?

- No. No, it's--it's political.

It's actually pro-tard.

- Yeah? Well, tell that to my sister.

- Oh, shit.

- Nice.

- Ooh, that's it, baby, that's it.

Ooh, ooh, yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah. Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Ooh, that's it. Ooh, bring it home.

Bring it home, baby. Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, ooh, ah.

- Stop!

Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop!

- You people want to have a baby, beautiful.

Find another way to do it.

I can't be working under these conditions.

- All right, we'll call you.

[moaning]

- Karen, honey, can you come down?

- Don't stop. - I wasn't planning on it.

- Karen, mrs. Wong is here.

Oh, come on in.

- Timmy saw you at the supermarket.

- Oh, oh, that's just

My volunteer work for hymie's sake.

- You have to stop that shit. - [gasps] excuse me?

- Timmy saw you fight with that man.

He's embarrassed for you.

- Well, I don't know if it's a cultural thing

And you're not aware, but you're being rude right now.

Jody, can you help mrs. Wong with the crib?

- You act crazy. I can't leave the baby with you.

- What about you trying to cure him with your chinese herbs?

I mean, you need to accept him for who he is.

- No more baby.

- Let me know which car's yours. I'll load it up for you.

- She's hoarding hymie. - What?

- Okay, I won't volunteer anymore if that's what you want.

- You promise? - I promise.

- I bring the baby tomorrow, but I stay to watch you.

- Okay.

- Blue impala.

- Okay. - Your karen is right.

This is not a good place for baby.

- Karen? My--

When did you talk to karen?

- What kind of a creep uses alcoholics anonymous

To cater to his nefarious agenda?

It is a slap in the face

To everyone who attends the program.

- Nice shirt, frank.

Not that we didn't know.

[laughter]

- So he doesn't need a sponsor.

But he lets you live there rent-free, and he's feeding you?

- It doesn't add up, does it?

- Well, if I were you, I'd make sure

That he's not a rapist or a serial killer.

I mean, you said he's a loner, right?

Super neat? I bet he's got hardwood floors.

- So?

- Carpets get bloodstains.

- What's he do for a living?

- He kills animals, occasionally stuffs them.

- He what?

- It's called "animal control" in veterinary parlance.

- It's called he's jeffrey fucking dahmer, dude.

Finds a guy no one will miss,

Gets them to move in with him, pumps them full of vet drugs.

He's gonna drill a hole in your head

And turn you into his zombie sex slave.

- Before we get carried away,

Christopher had a sponsor before me.

The guy moved to florida. - Oh, he moved to florida.

And who told you that, christopher?

- Christopher. - Be careful, frank.

You're gonna wake up

And find your dick in a ziploc in his freezer.

- ♪ I wanna have the world at my feet ♪

♪ I need to know

♪ just how sweet is sweet ♪

♪ I'm gonna take my kicks as they come ♪

♪ yeah, I'm gonna have some fun ♪

♪ I want to be high up on top ♪

♪ I've got no choice

♪ I just can't stop

- Fiona!

- What's going on?

- I've got patrick gallagher outside with an eviction notice.

- You're throwing us out?

This was supposed to take a couple of weeks.

- Normally. The guy seems like an asshole.

I'm trying to chill him out,

But he's made a couple accusations.

He said you tried to kill him.

- That's ridiculous.

- He has a toxicology report from the hospital.

He says he won't press charges if you move out tonight.

- He can't be serious.

- He seems to be serious.

- But patrick loves me.

- Yeah, well, is there a place you can go?

- Tonight? No.

- Patrick gave me candy.

- Debs, go get lip and ian, please.

- And then he got in bed with me

And touched me in my nice places.

- What was that?

- About candy or patrick touching me?

- Patrick gallagher?

- Mm-hmm.

- And when you say "nice places"?

- Uh, private places.

- Frank?

- Aw, fuck.

- Frank?

Frank. Frank.

Frank.

Frank.

- Aghh! Get away from me!

These people are witnesses.

- Where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you.

- What do you want?

- Are you all right? Have you had a relapse?

- Don't touch me.

- I could be your sponsor. I'm not a drinker,

But I've been to so many meetings, I know the procedure.

- No! No, no, thank you.

- I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

I'm not real good with, well, with people, really.

It was great having someone to talk to.

- Get a room, assholes.

- I'm sorry, frank. See you around.

- Wait, wait.

You're not gonna stuff me or drill a hole in my head?

- What?

- Your interest in me is not of a perverse or sexual nature?

- No, nothing like that.

I mean, if you're saying you want to have sex with me,

I guess I'd do my best.

- What happened to your old sponsor?

- Either he's in florida,

Or he's avoiding me, thinks I'm creepy,

Being clingy and all, and lonely.

- So basically the problem is you're clingy.

What's for dinner at your place?

- Rib eyes.

- But we stop at the liquor store, and you're paying?

- Anything you want. - Let's go.

- Really? You mean it?

- Oh, clingy is a walk in the park.

Here, have it. [mutters indistinctly]

I really like her. - Yeah?

- She's a poet.

- Karen.

- Oh, mom, you scared me.

- You told me you came home to be with hymie,

But you told the wongs to come take hymie.

Why would you do that?

- I missed you, mom.

- So it's true.

- Everything was better before hymie came along,

Just you and me.

I wanted us back.

I love you.

- You're shitting me.

- Standard police procedure, sir.

We'll have to meet the sex crimes detectives

At the station, unless-- - unless what?

- The charges are dropped. - Charges are--?

- 400 a month rent, no deposit.

- Are you in on this?

- I'm not in on anything, sir.

I am, however, gonna make a radio call from the car.

- You can take your 400 and shove it up your ass.

- I remember your hands touching me and--

- $1,200.

- You said it was our little secret.

I knew it was wrong.

- Jesus, what--

900, final offer.

- 500, no deposit.

I need a 50-year lease, and I want that in writing.

- [groans]

- Hey, check it out, left a poison sandwich

In the crawl space. - Don't.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ugh, too late.

- Why the outpouring of affection?

- We didn't lose the house.

- I was molested. It all worked out.

- What? - We can stay.

- I put your toothbrush back in the cup.

- Want an eye mask?

Curtains let a lot of light in.

- Thanks.

- Night, frank. - Good night, christopher.

- I'm going to bed, babe.

- All right, I'll be up in a second.

[text alert]

- Who's that?

- Carol. - My mother?

My mother is texting you at 1:30 in the fucking morning?

- Shit, that's not funny, is it?

I'm just playing.

It's kate calling in sick for her shift tomorrow.

I'm sorry, baby.

[rock music]

- ♪ tell us all your story

♪ just how good your life gets ♪

♪

♪ tell us all your story

♪ just how good your life gets ♪

♪

♪ we know all the glory

♪ what about your regrets?

♪ yes