Original subtitles

I have experienced some of the worst limerence of my life.

So I wanna talk about how to identify limerence and how to get over limerence.

Basic masterclass, if you don't know what limerence is, limerence

is basically involuntary obsessive romantic infatuation.

So it's basically when you kind of create an idea of a person as being

the answer to your problems or being this ultimate thing that you want

and you need, and you get very, like obsessed with them.

This sounds like really crazy and stalkerish but I think that everybody kind

of, when you're falling in love with someone, is kind of a little bit of

a presence of limerence in that you're thinking about them a lot, you're

fantasizing, maybe you're not fully seeing them for who they are.

Limerence becomes problematic when it's one-sided and when you

no longer feel like you have control of it in the sense that

you don't want to be thinking about this person anymore.

Maybe they're gone from your life, maybe you're broken

up and you're still in this limerence state.

Most important thing to combating limerence is when you're in it, to

be able to identify that what you're experiencing is limerence.

And second to that, I think, is realizing that limerence usually only comes

when it's kind of one-sided and when you don't really have someone.

Limerence, I think, is triggered and can oftentimes be more

present in people that have an anxious attachment style.

Hello, me.

Stems from a place of not being fully chosen.

We don't usually get limerence for the person that's fully present,

that's fully stable, that's choosing us, that's consistent.

We get limerence for the person that we felt

half chosen by, but they have one leg out.

We feel limerence for the ex that we're still in love with, that broke up with us.

We feel limerence for the avoidant that never quite there for our needs.

I think when you identify that what you're experiencing and projecting

on this person is actually something that people have identified psychologically

as an experience you're having and isn't really to do with them, it

really helps to kind of sober you up.

Limerence can also feel good and feed, like delulu and

fantasies of you getting together with this person.

So I think like if you wanna get out of it, identify that you're in limerence,

and second to that, identify that it's because you don't have them, and third

to that, identify that it's actually not really about them.

Then now that you've recognized that it's not really about them, ask

yourself what that projection telling you about what you need.

What is it that you feel like this person embodies and represents that you don't have,

that makes you wanna chase them, that makes you get in this limerence state?

For example, for me, I had limerence with a person and I really reflected because I

had a really bad case of limerence, and it was very hard for me to like get over.

I think because this person had really, like built up my trust and then pulled away.

But I recognized that it was because this person, when I was

with them, had made me feel very validated, very seen.

Seen in the sense of like deeper qualities about myself, very admired.

And I realized that's something that I kind of lack in my life is...

And this kinda sucks, honestly.

Like, I'm gonna be so for real.

It can feel like, ugh.

But it just doesn't feel as good when I'm really present with myself,

when I give myself safety, when I give myself compliments.

But I think if you actually want to make a change, then you need to be

so over it that you're like, "No, I need to give this to myself.

Like, I'm sick of being in this state."

And that's kind of what happened for me.

I just started to, like try and give that back to myself in practical moments.

Maybe for you, if this person represents novelty,

how can you bring novelty into your life?

If this person represents a really beautiful, sensual experience,

how can you bring more sensuality to your life?

Also, now that I've been through like really bad limerence, I think

what helps me to not develop it is, especially for my anxious girls,

like approach relationships like a little bit slower.

I know that quote that's like, "A crush is a lack of information."

Limerence is essentially the same, and usually that person is not present in our

lives enough for us to be able to see like the full spectrum of their humanity.

I guarantee you, if you got married to this person like, you know, two years

down the line, even one year, you're not gonna be in this limerence state.

You're gonna see their flaws, you're gonna see them for the full human self.

So I think in getting to know people slowly and in your time, that can be a time to

like fully reveal that person's character, their good parts, their bad parts.

Put it in touch with reality, which limerence is not.

I know that also limerence feels very real, so while you're experiencing

it in yourself, it can help to see it as a vessel that's not yours.

Like, as this energetic thing that you're experiencing that's outside

of yourself because the more that you can not identify with that limerence,

the farther you're going to be able to get from it.

Also, I think, uh, if you really wanna get over the limerence

and you still have contact with the person that you have limerence

for, try and distance yourself from that person.

Remove them off of your socials, remove them from your life as much as

you can, and kind of put your energy towards hobbies, towards friends,

towards things that engage your energy in a more meaningful way.

And slowly over time, your limerence will fade, I promise .