Original subtitles

Hi! I'm Esmeralda Grand,

and you are watching history being made.

An ancient oil drum

has been discovered in the abyss of the lake.

I did a solo cocktail cruise last week

and came across this while magnet-fishing.

Now, I was raised in a household

where we learned not to open unmarked oil drums,

but I don't know,

I guess Esmeralda didn't grow up that way.

And now, I'm about to unveil

the wildest treasures beyond your most local dreams.

What's inside?

Silver coins? Golden rubles?

Three, two, one!

Show me the gold!

Oh, no.

[both groaning]

Ugh...

A treasure trove of little bones.

Travis: You know, it smells awful.

Esmeralda: Rodent ivory.

- Ann! - Uh, yeah?

- Get me Legal. - Esmeralda: Enervate.

- The energy to innovate! - [Travis groans]

- And Crisis PR. - Them too.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]

Ned: Hello, welcome back to Dueling Pencils.

The only podcast to take on the issues

that Toledoans care about most.

All right, Mare, what are we looking at today

from all two sides?

It is a hot topic on a cold subject.

- Ice cream. - Ned: Mmm!

I've loved it since I was 5.

What are we gonna choose? Let's get into it.

Oscar: They have something. Yes, there is something there.

It's not fully emerged.

But, um, is it fun to watch a baby being born?

Not always.

Fritzie Freeze is one note.

I've got three words for you, Mare.

"Fritzie's Moose Tracks."

- Here's two words for you. - Uh-huh?

- "No thanks." - [laughs]

Adelola: Ned is laughing a lot during the podcast.

It's so contagious.

Ned: You do not understand. You have to have a base.

- Oh, I do not understand? I do not understand? - No, you do.

Hang on a second. Dueling Pencils

is brought to you by Circuit City,

where satisfaction is still very much guaranteed.

So Circuit City, they've been out of business since 2009,

but Ned and Mare's podcast,

they don't have any sponsors yet.

So I figured if I create a fake ad

and other businesses hear it, they might get FOMO.

I think-- I think it's legal.

Like, who-who cares? It's a podcast.

Circuit City, serving North Towne Square since 1981.

How do you Circuit City?

- And now we're out of time. - Oh!

Thank you all so much for listening,

and as always, stay sharp, pencils.

Ned: Beautiful.

Man, Detrick, what a sponsor.

Why did I think the North Towne Square got torn down?

Loving the podcast, Nicole.

It's innovative. Disruptive.

Thank you, sir.

How does "head of circulation" sound?

You report directly to me.

- What about Esmeralda? - Mm.

Yeah. The straw that broke the camel's back was that oil drum.

I'm just thinking,

it would really help me focus on all my new responsibilities

if I had my own office.

Maybe Esmeralda's?

Good for you, Nicole. Get yours.

[both chuckle]

Did I say that right? It sounded like "up yours."

Do people still say that?

- Ann: You're good, Marv. - Ah. Get yours.

[chuckles]

This afternoon we have that coffee

with council member Keith.

- You good for that? - Yeah.

Is it coffee or lunch, by the way? And are we paying?

Oh. We have to pay 'cause we invited him.

So we wait for him to order,

and if he gets food, then we just have waters.

[knocking]

- Hey. - Marv: Hey.

There they are.

Opie and Anthony.

Sorry, who?

- Caught your last show. - Oh. - Oh.

- Yeah. Best room temperature? - I think it was ramen.

- Good noodle content. - Thanks, Marv.

- You two have chemistry. - I think so, too.

- It's... No. Just part of the act. - Yeah.

It's two professionals just being professional.

Did you know that Hall and Oates can't stand each other offstage?

But you would never know it from their killer grooves.

[chuckling] Well, you could've fooled me.

In real life, I like brunettes with big naturals.

Me too.

Well, you guys have nowhere to go but up.

Push yourselves.

- Thanks, Marv. - Thank you.

How do we push ourselves? Harder hitting topics?

- Maybe. I don't know. - Hm...

I'm down for discussing something a little edgier.

- You are? Me too. - Yeah.

Hey, chief. Working on a story if you got a minute.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, what's up?

This private Facebook group, called "Is This Your Man?"

"Is This Your Man?"

Where women post about

the shady men they've dated.

There's a local guy, Steven Crupo.

He says a woman from the Toledo page

put him on blast for ghosting.

And now he's a pariah.

Ned: They've got 20,000 members?

And I can't see any of it. It's all private.

Yeah, because it's only for women.

And he wants to sue Facebook

and the woman, Cynthia, for defamation

but nobody will take his case.

- Because it's Facebook. - Yep.

Right? Facebook has this weird legal protection

where they're defined as a phone company.

If we ran rumors or gossip, we'd get sued,

but we have to get it right.

- To protect the innocent. - Women.

- Man. - Oh.

Thank God someone's finally looking out for you guys.

No, no, in this case, it's a man.

But in future, it could be a defamed lesbian, with a family.

Defamed? Not if they're guilty.

Why would you assume they're guilty?

Us--

Right? A Pencils?

It's spicy but not flammable.

It is the perfect level of heat, like black pepper.

- Hey, I challenge you to a duel. - You're on.

- [Ned shouting] - [Mare laughing]

En garde! Whoo!

Cool, cool.

I just researched that for the last few days for nothing,

but can't wait to hear their takes.

Pew, pew!

You sadistic pig!

Love you. Love you.

Now the jewelry, the most important part

on my little body.

But you really have to put all your back in it.

We do Brazilian.

Marv! One moment!

Good Lord! Esmeralda,

uh, when you're done in there, uh, we gotta chat.

This is not a demotion.

No. Think of it as a lateral relocation.

With an added perk reduction.

Why is she here?

Moral support.

And compliance.

Do you wanna go?

Ladies, please.

Look. We can do this the easy way

or we can do this the hard way.

Don't you have something in the middle?

- [crackling] - Marv.

- Why are you doing this to me? - Barrel of monkeys.

Well, I was surprised too.

But I think we can be grateful that it was not human remains.

It was coming from the cosmetics lab, so it's not a big deal.

It's natural bones, you know.

Enervate: What's in Your Barrel?

Okay. Esmeralda, please.

I can't lose my office, I'm a woman.

- I'm a woman too. - I'm an immigrant.

I'm third-generation, and I'm on Lexapro.

Once I thought I had endometriosis,

but then it was just a little IBS.

Girl, same. Same thing happened to me, but reversed.

Did they think you were crazy and deny your pain?

- Yes! Yes! - [scoffs]

[gasps] Being a woman is so hard.

Men will never understand.

- Sisters. - [laughs]

- We are sisters. - We're sisters.

But pack up your shit, you gotta go.

Esmeralda: This lateral relocation, as they call it,

it's actually a promotion.

Nicole is the one

eating the stick end of the shit.

Look at her in my old, tiny office.

It's like a coffin.

[laughs]

I am in the space of a queen,

out there for all to see.

Hey, Esmeralda. Cool setup.

Don't be jealous, Mare.

If you work hard enough, maybe Marv will reward you too.

We're working pretty hard.

We're putting out our second Dueling Pencils

in one day. So...

- Hey, congrats on the promotion. - Thank you.

And the podcast? Such a great idea.

We are loving it. The fans are loving it. Thank you.

Fans?

What fans?

Mommy, daddy, and who?

No, they have fans.

I just made a deal with the bookstore downtown

to have them featured in their window.

And they said we can record today's podcast there,

live with an audience.

[chuckles]

Yikes. I don't know. A live audience?

What are you talking about? You'd be so great.

A-And also, the topic today is a little spicier than usual.

It'll really get the crowd going.

- Nice work, Nicole. - Yeah.

Sign here.

What is this? I didn't order anything.

That's me. And hey, if you see we're on calls, sign for us.

Do you think I'm the receptionist?

You got the desk.

[camera shutter clicks]

Yeah.

Hello.

- I've got some, uh... - Thank you.

...pretty good takes on this Facebook thing.

Mmm...

- Just letting you know. - Me too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

After you.

- Now? All right. - Yeah.

I think that I would start with,

"Print journalism is more accountable than Facebook."

Then I could say,

"Before social media,

there wasn't an effective outlet

for women to warn other women about bad men.

But lucky for us, now there is."

Well, that's good. I love that. Okay.

- This could get a little zesty... - Okay.

...but I could counter that what you're really

advocating for there is mob justice.

Don't point at me. I mean, if you're cool setting me up

- with that weak "mob justice" thing... - Mm-hm.

...I could bang back with,

"The only way ethical reform literally ever happens

is through 'mob justice.'"

[imitates cheering] Go, Mare!

Is that you choking on your horrible argument?

'Cause then I'd be like, "Are you talking about mob justice?

Or vigilantism?

Cool, Mare, are you sure

you wanna be defending John Wick?" Ooh!

John Wick's the hero, you ding dong.

Name-calling. Okay, cool. That's fun.

Do you consider Yelp mob justice?

Because that's also unverified community protection.

And then Adelola would play the buzzer sound,

- because it's game over. - No, no, no,

because then she'd be like, "Whoops, I hit that too early."

And I can be like, "Well, businesses, at least,

can respond on Yelp, unlike on this Facebook group,

where Steven never had the chance to defend himself,

you dummy." If...

The name-calling thing, if that's working.

Oh, it's working.

Barry, don't you think it's a bit boring

to work in the same spot for years?

Keep it moving.

Barry: It's not that I don't like Esmeralda.

It's just that my desk is 50 feet away from the bathroom.

If I go 94 times a day, I get my steps in.

But if I have to move it closer,

then I've got to go the bathroom

more than a hundred times a day,

and people might think I'm weird.

Oscar: I don't have kids or plants,

but I consider myself a nurturer.

Especially when people hit rock bottom.

You can sit right here.

And you can relax now.

Because you're one of us.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Yeah. I wanna go over your ad sales.

- You do? - I do.

Detrick and I aren't sleeping together anymore,

but that doesn't mean I don't wanna screw him.

- I usually just export them to the revenue dashboard. - Mm...

I mean, unless this is, like, a new protocol?

Well, it is a new position, so yeah, new protocols.

- EOD? - Huh?

End of day?

- For what I asked for? Yeah. - Got it.

Ned: Councilman Keith, now you've got your food,

we'd love to discuss the Glass Club.

You sure you're not hungry?

- Water's fine. - I don't know,

how do you just seize a golf course, right?

I mean, it's private property.

The idea is that you would use eminent domain, okay?

And you would propose that at the next city council meeting.

That's political suicide.

Glass Club members are my donors.

Yeah, but park users are your voters.

Right, this could be a massive win for you, for our paper,

but most importantly for the everyday people of Toledo.

- What? - I guess mob justice

isn't so bad when it's something you support.

I don't know, sounds risky, but it is interesting.

Steven had every right to break up

with those women the moment he wasn't feeling it anymore.

They had every right to express themselves

while being ghosted to their friends.

Mare, nobody's got 20,000 friends.

Still talking eminent domain?

- No! - No! Why don't you finish your $12 burger.

Listen, Steven doesn't have to share

what's in his head, okay? That is private.

Do you realize how sociopathic it is

to make promises to a woman

and then just throw her in the dirt like some used toy?

He has to be allowed to change his mind.

Steven has the right to end it with a woman

- right up until the moment that he gets married. - Okay.

Let me get this straight, women aren't allowed

to have expectations in your world?

You know who else thinks that

they're owed romantic attention

without fear of rejection? Incels.

- You're defending incels, all right? - That's insane.

Thank you. I'll be in touch.

No, I won't.

- Travis: Jamal Mashburn. - Detrick: Earl Boykins.

Keith Closs. Kristaps Porzioiis.

Sandro Mamukelashvili.

Detrick: Nikola Jokic.

Travis: Jusuf Nurkiae.

- Detrick: Andriss, uh, Biedrioo. - [monitor inflating]

- Travis: Dusan Kecman. - Detrick: Demar Derozan.

- [Baby Sinclair shouting on TV] - [laughing]

[popcorn popping]

[phone ringing]

[Coworker's sounds intensifying]

- Adam [laughs]: Oh, God. - [sniffs]

Oh, my God.

- [gong clangs] - [cheering]

Yeah!

Um... You can't just pop in without an appointment.

I'm very busy.

Yeah. So I did a little research,

- and Sales doesn't report to Circulation. - What do you mean?

- Sales can request data from Circulation. - So?

So that means you... You kind of work for my department.

So I'd like to take this opportunity

to request some data.

Where should I put it?

Doesn't matter. There's about 70 requests for data here.

And I expect it "B.E.O.D." By End Of Day.

As a matter of fact, let's change that to this a--

This afternoon.

[chair squeaking]

[car dinging]

Put your seatbelt on.

Thank you for your concern.

I just didn't like the noise.

But you're welcome.

[Ned sighs]

We didn't get this upset over ramen.

No, we didn't. But then again,

that was a recorded conversation about soup.

Well, it's a pasta.

- No. - In broth.

- Don't. It's soup. It's soup. - What--?

But if I...

I don't know, if I've misunderstood--

- Oh, or if I have misunderstood, yes. - Right?

Because I could have easily misunderstood

- what you were saying. - Totally, no, I know.

'Cause I know that you would never say

that a man's good name should be dragged through the mud--

- Oh, my God, Ned. - What? What?

Women's safety!

I champion women's safety.

Not unless it hurts your friend's feelings.

- How dare you? - How dare you?

- How dare you--? - It's my car. Stop talking.

- Stop talking, it's my car. Stop talking. - What?

I'm driving, stop talking.

[car dinging]

[gong clangs]

- [tea spills] - [cheering]

[whispers] Oscar.

[sighs] Hey.

Do you like the gong?

Frankly no.

- Why don't you say something? - Maybe I will.

After I finish my tea.

Nicole: You aren't gonna believe this,

I booked guests for your podcast.

I got both Steven and Cynthia.

- Unh! - Yes, perfect. - Love it. Bring it on.

Good to Great to Gone:

The 60 Year Rise and Fall of Circuit City.

Podcast.

Hell, no!

I'll just get my books online.

I sound more nasal in this than I do in real-life, so...

- One, one, one-- One, two. - Nicole: Over there.

Hello. Steven. I will be representing your side.

- It's an honor. Thank you. - Thanks, man.

You look like someone drew David Bowie from memory.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- I'm really good. - Hi.

- Hi! - You must be Cynthia.

- Oh, hi. - Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - What's she doing here?

Nicole: When a man and a woman breaks up,

I like to see when the man is forced to sit down

and face the woman that he's still

secretly harboring feelings for.

Okay, Susan, we'll be in touch. Thank you.

- Kimberly. - Yeah?

I have to ask you a big favor.

Oscar Martinez, the little man, who is also your accountant?

The gong...

- it upsets him. - So?

So everyone on this floor knows

how great the Softees sales team is.

- [chuckles] - To ring a bell, it's unnecessary.

If you stop it, I will not forget.

And maybe one day I can repay you the favor.

I made Enervate $900,000 this year.

You numpties lose us money.

Now get out of my way.

I just sold 15 grand of two-ply.

[gong clangs]

- [whooping] - Yeah!

Big deal, lady.

I lie to get laid. I have sex.

I tell my friends. I get my points. I ghost.

Well, what do you mean by points, Steven, because...?

Oh, yeah. Well, me and my friends have a point system.

One to ten, ten is the best.

Totally based on looks, only, no personality involved.

So Steven's different than I expected.

I had pictured someone a little bit like me, I guess.

But he turns out to be more like a guy

who would kill a neighbor, with a brick.

- How many points was I? - No, please don't enable him.

- Seven. - Seven?

That's actually so sweet, I thought you'd say five.

Don't fall for that, where's your self-esteem?

I have amazing self-esteem.

A bunch of my friends dated Steven

and he ghosted all of them.

That's when I got interested.

I was like, "I can fix him, I've got that gorilla grip."

Jesus.

So I asked him out.

I thought Cynthia's argument

was undermined a little bit by, um...

how stupid she is?

Quick question for the boys and girls.

- What's a "gorilla grip"? - Not for the boys and girls.

Oh, all right.

- I think we're going to take a quick five-minute break. - Mm-hm.

Right after these words from T.W.A.

[gong clangs]

[whooping, cheering]

- So sorry. I didn't know he was like that. - No.

I just-- I assumed he was normal.

Same. Cynthia went in knowing he was bad news

- and still expected a fantasy. - I'm not bad news.

I'm good news, I think.

So you should have expectations. You deserve them.

It's-- We...

We really don't need to--

I need to say something. I just...

Ten points.

[Mare laughs]

- Ten points. Yeah. - Really?

I was arguing for 11, but it's apparently,

it's a strict 10-point system.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Just so we're clear...

I don't mind being your secret girlfriend.

You're not my secret girlfriend.

You're my girlfriend that we're keeping a secret.

And you're my secret boyfriend.

Because I'm ashamed of you.

After today, I don't blame you.

Okay.

Are we...?

Are we good?

Yeah, very good.

Okay, how do we get out of here?

- Should we wrap this up, or--? - No, [bleep] those losers.

- Let's ghost them. - Oh, nice.

Come on.

[heavy breathing]

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" plays]

Kimberly: We don't need a gong.

I could see how it'd be annoying.

And culturally insensitive.

We could get them a gong, if that's what they want.

Have they told you what they want? We could get anything.

We could get an espresso machine or a pizza oven?

Power comes from personality.

I don't need my own office.

This whole floor is my office.

Everyone's desk is my desk.

Everyone's lunch...

is my lunch.

Especially Nicole's.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" plays]