Original subtitles

Nick, where do you even buy sheets like this?

They're the thread count of a paper towel.

Okay, I don't know what to do.

I thought these sheets were good.

You said these sheets were fine.

WINSTON: They're fine. Relax.

He's freaking out.

You know, Amelia's coming in town...

Which one of your depressing

ex-girlfriends is Amelia?

Freshman year.

♪ You stopped in my room ♪

♪ For no reason

♪ I was pretty cool to say "Come in" ♪

[chuckles]

♪ You're sitting on my bed ♪

♪ I feel like there's vibing ♪

♪ What do I do?

♪ The sexual tension is crazy. ♪

I never told her how I felt.

And she's here for a couple days on work.

This is my chance.

I even got a new shirt.

That's a cool shirt; I like that shirt.

Yeah, look cool, man.

You making fun of my shirt, Schmidt?

Oh, my God!

Jess, please stop working at the haunted house.

JESS: It's just through the weekend.

You all get free tickets, you know.

Oh, no, I'm not going.

I don't do haunted houses.

What? You scared?Uh, well,

little kids are scared. I just don't like it.

I got it. You look like a zombie Woody Allen.

NICK: Yeah.[imitating Woody Allen]: These brains

are terrible.

And such-such small portions.

[imitating Woody Allen]: On Christmas, I like to eat

Chinese people's brains.

They're the only ones that are open.

[imitating Woody Allen]: Zombie Cristina Barcelona.

Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.

I'm gonna be home late tonight, you guys.

Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause I'm going over to Sam's house

to mix his batter.

Oh, yeah.

Not in that costume.

NICK: I don't know. The costume kind of works for me.

Kind of a sexy, undead driver's ed teacher.

It's my sweet spot.

Sam doesn't care what I look like.

'Cause I'm not his girlfriend.

And I'm gonna kick him to the curb

once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample.

Hey-yo!

[imitating Woody Allen]: I couldn't afford my therapist,

so I ate his brains.

Marx brothers.

Hear, hear.

That's the one.Good stuff.

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing? Good.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

[laughs]

Um, here's your wallet.

Oh, thank you.

You must have dropped it on our most recent trip

to No Pants City.

[laughs] Just so you know,

I didn't look in it.

'Cause I don't care

and I respect your privacy.

Then how'd you know it was

my wallet?Well played, Sam Sweeny--

born in Boston, six-four.

I didn't know you worked in the E.R.

until I got here, though.

Yeah, pediatrics.

You're a doctor for children.

It's, you know, mostly paperwork.

That why you have so many cute cards on the wall?

"Dear Dr. Sam..."

They call you Dr. Sam?

"Thank you for making me better.

I love you, and so does my bunny."

Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap.

I mean, she just traced Bugs Bunny.

I didn't know you were a, like, caring person.

Same guy. Same guy.

I'm the same guy that did you

in that falafel restaurant, you remember?

And a dirty one, at that. Mm-hmm.

Please don't do this.Dr. Sam.

Don't start thinking I'm some amazing guy.

This is why I don't tell girls what I do.

This doesn't change the way I feel about you.

I feel nothing. This is purely physical.

Dr. Sam!

Oh, Ben! What's up?

Fish tails?

I, uh...

How could I say no, buddy?

[goofy voice]: Fish tail! Fish tail!

Up top!

[laughs]

This makes me feel nothing.

I feel nothing.

SCHMIDT: I haven't worn these in years.

Here you go.

Wow, Schmidt.

You've got so many boots.

You know who doesn't have a lot of boots?

Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg.

Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed Mm-hmm.

that we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween, so...

hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other.

You know, at night, I can actually feel gusts

of frigid air coming from beneath your door.

I get it, Schmidt. We're in a rut.

Without sex, she's not your girlfriend, okay?

She's a friend that you buy meals for.

Winston, I get it, man.

You're... you're scared to end it.

You're just like Cece.

Cece's scared to end it with Robby,

because clearly she's still nuts about me.

Robby's nice. Good guy, man.

He always has gum.

"Oh, Robby-- he's such a nice guy."

I'll show you nice guy. Boom.

Punch him in his face.

Yeah, put you in a guillotine choke hold.

And then Robby's like, "Oh, my God!

"I can't believe this. Young Abraham Lincoln

is choking me out in his guillotine."

You're going as young Abe Lincoln for Halloween?

Statistically speaking, every American

thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day.

And Cece's American, so...

Thank you for that information, Schmidt.

Yeah.

What's up, Robby?

What's up, Robby, you stupid idiot?

You had an alter ego, remember?

Yeah.

The guy who'd been in a coma

who woke up thinking he had invented pie.

Oh, I got a great new idea for a dessert!

Wait a second, what year is it?

[laughs]

That's awesome you liked that.

Well I'm really glad you're here.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

L.A., as the locals call it.

This is the city where many scenes

from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.Mm-hmm.

I made you up a couch.

Wow. The double eye patch.

You trying to impress me? Yes!

Absolutely!

You kidding?

CECE: A doctor? Mm-hmm.

I had him pegged for

a part-time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy.

He cares about people for a living; it's so much hotter.

You're starting to like him now.

No, no, no, we're just coworkers.

On the night shift.

These fit great, Jess.

Really, thank you so much.

It's like a childhood dream come true for me.

To be a Ninja Turtle.

And to have a beautiful girlfriend, of course.

Uh-huh. Thank you.

What am I looking at here?

Robby, man to man,

you didn't want to wear something,

I don't know, a little more form flattering?

Maybe like a pile of towels, the number eight?

Schmidt.I know. But how could I not

knock down such low-hanging fruit?

Speaking of low-hanging fruit,

Jess, you didn't want to let out

the pants a little bit?No.

Not even a touch?No.

You want to look at your work?

Looks great.

Not to an eight-year-old child.

Who's just staring right down the barrel.

Enough.Are you guys coming to

the Halloween festivities tomorrow?

Actually, we're...I think you should come.

It's for charity.

-You like charity, Robby, right? -Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Like Cece dating you.

[laughs]

Awesome. Um...

Why not?No. I mean,

we have that thing...Don't worry about my friends.

I would love to hang out with your friends.

I think we should do it, because I want to wear this costume out.

You know what I mean? So I say yes.

Just, uh, keep the pumpkins away from me, okay?

I kind of cut myself last Halloween.

I mean, not on a knife.

I-I, you know, I cut myself on the pumpkin.

You should've made a move in college.

No, I didn't have moves, Amelia.

[laughs] My moves were

singing to you and trying to give you back rubs and...

I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks.

Didn't you think it was weird that I kept

showing up at your door, telling you I had a family tragedy?

How many grandparents did you think I had?

[both laugh]

I had a bad bag of moves, lady.

Well, they're not bad anymore, Nick Miller.

[groans]

Ah, that's great.

[groans]

[both laugh]

That is for real.

There's more where that came from.

[both laugh] Uh-oh.

[groans]: Oh, that's good stuff.

That is good.

[sighs]

[whispering]: Hey.

[whispering]: Sam's in there.

Yeah, Amelia's in there.

High five for sluts. Yeah!

[chuckles] Hey.

I think I might like Sam.

Jess, I thought the whole thing was how you didn't like him.

I know, but then...

[groans]

Hey.

Hi. You must be Amelia. I'm Jess.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nick's told me a lot about you.

Yes, I did.

Yeah, it finally happened.

It's crazy-- Nick and Amelia.

Together. Together, yeah.

Together, yeah. Together.

Really? Right now?

Okay.

[giggles]

Yeah, good.

Okay.

All right, call me tonight?

Actually, tonight's the last night

of this haunted house thing.

Here's a crazy idea.

What if you came?

Well, I don't really do,

uh, the, you know, sort of costume thing.

I'm gonna be dressed up.

I think you should dress up, too.

'Cause it'd be cool.

For me.

Okay. I'll try to make it, darling.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Well, I wish I hadn't have seen that.

You wish you hadn't seen that?

I wish I hadn't seen...Fair point.

What if tonight's a test?

If he shows up wearing a costume,

he likes me.

Sound logic.I know.

Jess, I-I... Jess, I was kidding.

How do the boots feel, man?

Feel fantastic, man.

Well, there's more where that came from.

Got a lot of boots.

Whoo, looky here!

One of my brothers in blue.

That gun looks real. Let me see that for a second.

LAPD! Stand down! Stand down!

I'm standing, I'm standing! Look at that!

[gasping]

Butch it up, Axel Foley.

Shelby's coming.

[chuckles]

Hey.

Hey. What, uh...

What-what are you?

I'm reigning cats and dogs!

Get it?

Reigning...

cats and dogs.

Those stuffed animals are gonna look good

on the floor of my bedroom.

Oh!

What are you doing?!

No, it's cool, it's cool.

Hey, guys.Hey, Schmidt.

Hey, Robby.

Hey, look, I get it.

Guy who shot John Lennon

dressed as a Ninja Turtle.No.

Cece, you're an angel, as always.

Get off my horse, Schmidt.

Hey, Lincoln, right? That's awes...

You know, I was just thinking about Lincoln today.

Yeah, Robby, we all were.

This is kind of funny.

The two of you together on that horse,

you kind of look like a bride and a groom.

I will throw you

off of this horse with my bare hands. I will.

I'm gonna tell him how I feel tonight.

You are? Think so.

AMELIA: Boo!

[laughs]

What'd you carve here?

Oh, it's a secret. I'm not done yet.

[both laugh]

What's wrong with me?

I wanted this for so long with her,

and now... it's just too much.

You know? Mm-hmm.

You want to know why I don't like haunted houses?

Why? Because they're just like relationships.

You walk in all confident,

and then once you get in, it's not what you thought

it was gonna be, and it's scary.

Nice, you've liked her for a long time.

Go in the "haunted house."

I'm gonna go in the "haunted house."

Ta-da! That's me,

that's you, and that's our dog.

[both laugh]

I look so scared.

Bride and groom?

No!

No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle!

Bride and Ninja Turtle.

I don't get it.

I don't get it, either.

Like she lost a bet or something.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously!

It's okay, Cece.

No, it's not okay!

You need to go home and change, Schmidt.

I know you have more costumes in your closet.

Those costumes are for Purim. Purim's in March.

I don't care! You're doing this intentionally

just to mess with me!

All right, calm down.

Everybody just... just calm down.

All right, Schmidt? Let's take a walk.

Let's take a walk.

Look, let's just cut the crap, okay?

I know you think I'm dumb,

and you can hit on Cece and make fun of me all day long,

but I'm not going anywhere, all right?

You're a big guy, you know that?

Yeah.

Luckily, I've got a stone forehead.

What?

I'm sorry.

No, it's cool, man.You just tried to head-butt me.

I had to stop you.No, yeah, yeah.

I got you. I got you.It's all right.

Damn it!Schmidt, you did it again.

How do you see that coming every time?

You wind up. You make, like, a little wind-up thing.

I just... Hit me right in the forehead.

Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt me with your forehead.

Yeah, I know I was trying to head-butt you.

Okay, listen.

I think there's two options here.

We can either go the way that things have been going

and we're going to have a big problem,

or we can just knock this off and let's be friends, okay?

I'm sorry.Okay. I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry, too. My bad.

No, truce. All right, truce.

Will you stop trying to head-butt me, man?

I just...

Look at this guy.

Looking great.Oh, my God.

What? He came.

He's not wearing a costume.

Yeah, but he came, so...

SAM: Hey. Hey.

Oh, I got to sneeze.

I'm a clown for you.

Just don't ask me to wear this in bed.

[chuckling]: Okay.

[Jess giggling]

I think, when he comes here tonight,

I'm just going to be like, "Sam, crazy idea--

why don't we take this to another level?"

And pretend like I'm just thinking of it, but I'm not...

[screaming]

[growling]

[coughing]

Can you hand me my coffee?Yeah.

Zombie, just tell him the truth.

Mummy's right. Take the big swing.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

[sighs] You guys are right.

Life as a doctor.

Your phone must just be

blowing up with life-saving texts, huh?

"Don't die on me, Danny Boy! Use the paddles!"

No, it's a girl.

Oh, I thought Jess was working.

It's another girl. Just a weekend thing.

Does Jess know you're texting other girls?

Yeah. We're, like, totally honest with each other.

You know? I mean, she wants

a relationship less than I do.

It's actually awesome.

[chuckling]: Right.

- And you're coming over tonight, hmm? - Oops.

And she's going to talk to you.

Ooh.

P.A.: Welcome to the land of.. NICK: All right, man.

You've got to be kidding me.

P.A.: Scream if you must!

Just do it, Nick.

Don't be scared, Nick.

You're a grown man. This is a haunted house.

Game time.

I have no idea how they deep-fry a turkey dinner,

but I am so glad they do because I love it.

Do you love your legs? Because, I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.

Where have you been?Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I totally lost track of time.

We decided that we're going to hang out more.

But all of us are going to hang out more.

You know, 'cause I remember you saying

that you missed hanging out with Schmidt, so...Oh, Robby.

And you said that?Yeah, I... yeah, I... I said it, but...

No, because I want to hang out with you, too.

With Robby there?

Yeah, with Robby there.

Good. Good.

Oh, yeah, good, good.Good.

Lincoln, bringing the nations back together again.

NICK: Jess!

Jess, where are you?

DISTORTED MALE VOICE: Watch your step!

[evil laughter]It's just a recording.

Good, good. Fun.

[hysterical laughter]

Okay. It's not a race. It's not a...

[eerie giggling]

[yells]

[high-pitched screaming]

[giggling]

Welcome to the morgue,

Officer and...

Sorry. I have no idea what...

that whole thing... I don't...

I'm reigning cats and dogs.

What? "Reigning" like a queen,

but... but "raining" like the weather.

No.

"It's raining cats and dogs!"

Right. It's a joke.

Not really. What?

Hmm? No, I'm saying, like, it's not really... not really funny.

It's hilarious.I thought you were going to dress sexy.

A sense of humor issexy.

I don't want to date the queen of Cats and Dogs.

Reigning cats and dogs.Makes no sense.

I don't see the queen of England running around

with a cape and British people stapled to it. What?

When is the last time you heard somebody say,

"Man, you know what's sexy?

A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back."

Look how good I look! Look how stylish I look.

That's not sexy. I feel like I'm getting a speeding ticket.

Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad, my mustache is coming off!

Why do you have a mustache glued on top of your mustache.

Why aren't we having sex?

[ghoulish moaning]

Shut up, bitch.Sorry.

Shelby, this is not working.

It's just not.

I know.

Oh, I get it.

Reigning cats and dogs.

It's funny. It is.

[whispering]: Jess.

Jessica Day, where are you?

[shrieking]

[grunting]

No, no!

[chuckling]

Very effective. Very scary.

EERIE FEMALE VOICE: Come in! Come in!

This is fun. This is entertaining.

[screaming]

Oh, no! Jess!

No! No!

Jess! No!No, I'm her friend.

[whimpering]

[groaning]

NICK: Somebody help me!

This is my nightmare!

[high-pitched screaming]

I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster.

You of all people should know this, Frankenstein.

You're the real monster.

Oh, give me a break.

Jess, are you okay?

Yeah. It's nothing.

Nick just punched me in the face.

What?! Oh, my God! No, it was an acc...

What is wrong with you?Jess, I'm sorry!

All right. Look away.

All right, well, the bruise is going to heal,

but I don't know what to do about the giant stitches.

I mean, those are going to scar.

And you're looking a little pale.

What have you been eating?

Brains.

Habit.

I think we should go.

Sam. Uh, wait.

Um... um...

uh, I... I like you.

I like you, too, Jess.No, but, um...

I care about you,

and um, I want to ask you out for real.

So... will you go out with me?

I can't.

I told you...

what I wanted, and I wasn't lying.

Yeah, um...

I just thought maybe

you were scared to say.I'm not.

Not scared, you know.

This is how I feel.

Do you want me to go?

Hey. Hey.

You punch a girl?

Yes, I did. Uh, I'm a coward.

I'm scared of haunted houses.

And I'm scared of you-- I always have been.

That's right. That is what I've been trying to remember.

I was like, "Nick is great.

Why didn't I realize it years ago?"

And it's because you could not tell me how you felt.

So you always knew I liked you?

You drove me home every Thanksgiving break.

You lived in Chicago; I lived in Florida.

Well, I was trying to avoid the tolls.

[both chuckle]

How do you feel about me now?

[stammers]

Great. Good.

I can't believe that after all this time,

you still can't be honest with me.

I'm sorry, all right? It's my fault.

Okay, I fell in love with you

the first time I saw you-- that's crazy.

I didn't even know you. It was just this idea of you.

And then... it just wasn't what I thought.

And what's up with the way you kiss?

It's like reverse CPR. It's like you're...

Hey.

I'm not an idea of a person.

I'm an actual person.

ROBBY: Okay.CECE: Ready? Uh-huh.

BOTH: One, two, three.

[both grunt]

All right, let's try it one more time.

Let's see if we can hit the top.

I think you guys deserve the couples costumes.

Bride and groom.

Aw.How sweet of you.

Thank you. Take the hat.

It's... that's, like, the most important part.

Very nice of you to do that, Schmidt. Hold this.

Okay, I'm not... I don't need to wear a second costume.

This and the hat and the blazer's enough, so that's...

You need it, Robby.Where you going with this here, buddy? I...

You're not going to... the pants, too?Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're fine. We're good.It's important, man. Need to wear the whole thing.

Just... what are you going to wear?

Plan B was always

Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike,so...

Always got to have a plan B, Robby.

Thanks, man.

Wow. I mean, look at his thighs.

They're like fleshy tree trunks.

Whoa.

I mean, he just knows how to work a crowd.

I mean, his thighs

are like, the size of my head.

WOMAN: Reigning cats and dogs!SHELBY: Yeah!

Coat of arms.[laughing]

You are so awesome!

You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln,

but I witnessed the emancipation

of one black guy tonight...

from a terrible relationship.

Come on.

I know I said you shouldn't put yourself out there,

but I'm glad you did.

You should be with somebody who's crazy about you, Jess.

Thanks, Nick.

That'd be really nice if it wasn't coming

from somebody who just punched me in the face.

Sorry about that.

SCHMIDT: All right, you ready? Mm-hmm.

Let's do it.

All right. Let's do it.

Okay.

Jess, let's make this right.All right.

[laughs]

I can't do this.

I'm glad you're you, 'cause Jess Day could...

Ow! Mother of... Damn it!