Original subtitles

♪ Happy birthday, dude!

Hello. I made you a cake.

Can't. Booked a car show for tomorrow,

and I have been so good this week.

I lost four pounds.Oh, come on, Cece.

It's your birthday. We're gonna eat cake,

we're gonna watch Cluelesson VHS,

and we're gonna try to make prom dresses out of towels.

Obviously, just like we always do.

As if!

As if is, like, the funniest thing ever.

I wish I had a stepbrother to fall in love with.

I know, right? Paul Rudd.

You know, actually, I thought maybe this year,

we could go out, you know?

NADIA: We go party tonight.

Let dogs out. Catch gypsy.

Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go to this last-minute thing

she found out about, so I thought

we could all, you know, just go out tonight.

You, me, Nadia, the girls. The models?

Yes, Jess, the models. Please?

You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever.

Except for the one time in seventh grade

where you walked out of my sleepover because

you claimed... When you struck me in the breast.

But I didn't even touch boob, because you know,

we all knew you were stuffing...Oh, my God.

We were all stuffing. Stuffing? We all stuffed.

You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.Yes, we were.

It was seventh grade.I've been like this since I was seven.

You're...Come out with us tonight!

Please, please, please! Okay.

Okay. I'll come.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I so excited.

I shake this thing that my mama gave me.

YOLO!

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

[sighs] [sighs]

[whistles]

NARRATOR [on TV]: The Galapagos tortoise,

or Galapagos giant tortoise,Unbelievable...

is the largest living species of tortoise...

Spectacular.

Hey, do you think

Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess,

even though I had that name picked out before she moved in?

A turtle? Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty.

In our home? Over my turtle-disease-ridden dead body.

Whatever, dream killer. What's this?

Got you a cookie.

What, you have, like...?

Have, like, an extra?

No.

So you just, like, got me a cookie?

Yeah, I was thinking about you.

What do you mean you were thinking about me?

What do you mean? I don't know. I was thinking about you.

Think about you a lot, bro.

Why?

I don't know. Because you're my friend, you're on my mind.

What, do you not think about me?

Of course not!

Oh.

Schmidt got me a cookie.

Oh. Very nice.

What do you guys think?

Whoa! [whistles]Smokin' hot.

I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends,

and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."

You have too much joie de vivre.

Okay, you want to look a little bit more bored, tired.

Just altogether disengaged.

More tired-- more, like, sick-like.

Really let your bones prop you up.

Did you put shoe polish on your eyes?

I never understand you women-- God.

Eye shadow, man. That's...?

Oh, that's makeup?

I would take that off.

That looks crazy.

Can't believe I have to deal

with the models just to hang out with Cece.

Last time we hung out, it was awful.

I figure the best way to talk

to models is just point to objects and describe them.

The table is round.

It's also flat.

Yes, the table isround, and it's flat.

Oh, look, a lamp.

[laughs]

I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends,

so I should be able to get along with them.

I should be able to deal with the fact

that they think I look like a monkey...

from a Russian cracker ad.

[man singing in Russian]

Whatever.

It's Cece's birthday. It's her special night.

I can get drunk, point at furniture

if that means I can spend some quality time with my BFF.

Hey, is it totally obvious that I'm not wearing underwear?

♪ Because it should be.

And that makes two of us.

[dance music playing]CECE: Hey!

You made it! Sorry I'm late.

They let in a lot of people ahead of me-- like, a lot.

Saving the best for last.

Monkey cracker.

Monkey cracker.

[laughs]

Monkey,

monkey, where you keep the crackers?

This is so much fun.

NICK: Schmidt?

So, it turns out

there's more than one type of turtle.

I could go Eastern Box, or spur thighed,

or nearsighted loner.

[grunts] [laughs]

What was that? You just grunt at me?

Wasn't a grunt.That was a grunt, Schmidt.

It was a "hurumph."A "hurumph" sounds like this: Hurumph.

I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way; it was not a grunt.

Serena Williams. That was a grunt.

It's all good, man, all right?

It's all "smoove in the groove."

Mellow, man.

Mega-mellow.

Okay.

[sighs]

Schmidt, what the hell are you doing?

You don't think about me?

What are you talking about?Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie,

I heard very clearly, "I don't think about you, Schmidt."

Why would I think about you?!Because we're friends, we're not animals.

We're men, Schmidt! The only time a man is allowed to think

about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler.

I don't know who Jay Cutler is!

Why are you saying "Cutler" like that?

And I also don't know what is allowed

in the Cold-Hearted Republic of Nick Miller,

but I do know how I feel.

Ugh! And I know how much you love cookies.

And I saw it there behind the glass,

and I thought, "Nick Miller-- I'm gonna buy him that."

If I could give you that cookie back, I would.

Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up,

mash it into cookie-shape, and shove it down your throat!

You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?No, that's not...

You wanna mama-bird me the cookie? No.

You're not mama-birding anybody any cookie.

Schmidt, I don't want to mama-bird you a cookie.

What is your problem, Schmidt?

No mama-birding here!

Okay, I think I got it, okay-- ♪ Monkey, monkey

♪ Where you keep your cracker?

♪ Monkey, monkey, you are comrade best! ♪

Whoo.You know what?

The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker.

Do song again-- "Dance Monkey." I don't want to dance...

"Dance Monkey."

♪ Monkey, monkey

♪ Where you keep your crackers? ♪

Dance monkey, dance monkey.Cracker, please!

Dance monkey.Cracker, please!

MODELS [chanting]: Monkey! Monkey!No. You know what?

MODELS: Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey, monkey, monkey!

Dance Monkey... [chanting]You know what?

No! Stop it!

I don't want to, okay? I'm done.

You guys are the worst!

You're the worst. I'm sorry, but it's true.

All these racist in-jokes about Romanians.

Well, guess what? I'm one-eighth Romanian!

Monkey, no!And I don't know why Cece would want to spend her birthday here.

It's like years of modeling have made her dumber.

Nice, Jess. No! Cece.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't...

NICK: It's official.

We got to turtle-proof this loft.

Schmidt cares about you so much, man,

and you don't even think about him.

Are you being serious right now?

Are you really taking Schmidt's side on this?

I am, because I know how you are.

I just don't know why he would run away.

All I ever did was love him.

This rock is so round.

I'm gonna go put it in a jar.

And nothing has changed. Nothing has changed, Nick.

You think Schmidt is

in the right, and I am in the wrong here?

You realize I say good night to you every night,

and you never say good night back?

No. What is the problem, Nick?

Do you not want me to have a good night?

I can't just go around saying good night to everyone,

and buying people cookies.

I am not a titan of finance, sir.

Do you know, once a week he goes into your room and cleans it,

and then returns everything the way he found it?

And I'm weird in this situation?The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes.

I didn't ask for that-- I like living in my filthy messes.

That's the point, man. You didn't have to ask.

Nobody buys people cookies for no reason.

You still don't get it, do you?

Nobody. That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a...

What? Man, that was a piece of his heart.

Now, if you don't mind, good... night.

I'm sorry, but in my defense, Nadia just spent an hour

explaining to me how to drink vodka with my butt.

You just embarrassed me in front of my colleagues.

Are you kidding me? It's not like you work in the UN.

You judge me for being a model.

Yes, I do. You always have.

It's your birthday, and you won't eat cake.

Cece, you're better than that; you really are.

I just... I just feel sorry for you sometimes.

You feel sorryfor me?

You just hit me in the boob.

It was an accident. It was not an accident.

Fine. It wasn't.

Oh... my... God!

Ho, ho.

What? Huh?

Huh? You want that?!

Go. Just go. Ugh! Uh!

What you gonna do now, huh?

Just... What?

What? What? What? What?

What? What? What?

[exhales]

You should go.

Thanks for a great birthday.

NADIA: Cece?

You drink with mouth?

Tonight, I drink with mouth.

Well, guess who's not getting a turtle?

They were out of turtles.

I bought a tiny cowboy hat for nothing.

Schmidt's not talking to you right now.We're still on this?

Schmidt is tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed.

Things like: lining your shoes up at the door...

Don't line my shoes up at the door anymore.

...recording your favorite TV shows...I appreciate that.

...the turn-down service.The turn-down service is weird

and I never asked you to do that. Well, I guess those chocolate mints

just disappeared on their own. Oh, I thought we weren't talking.

We're not.Then why do I hear words

coming out that stupid hole in your face?

I'm a human being, and I'm entitled to my emotions.

Are you crying?

No.

Are you seriously crying, Schmidt?

I'm not crying. [sniffles]

[Jess groans]

Rough night, you guys.

I forgot to take out my contacts.

I think they're fused to my eyeballs.

What's going on?

Did you guys watch porn together again?

Why do you keep doing that?

It's always awkward.

Oh, wow.

What the hell was that?

In March, I will have been living

with Schmidt for ten years.

I know that

because he sent me an e-mail asking

how I want to celebrate our "tin anniversary."

How did you guys become friends?

Was it an accident?

Did you hit him with your car

and you became his reluctant caretaker?

He lived in my freshman dorm.

And one day, he was just there.

[crunching, chewing]

Hey, hey, whoa, man, what are you doing in here?

That's my ramen.

It's better this way.

Y-You add water to it, you weirdo.

It's not a dry treat, it's a soup.

Who are you?Schmidt.

You freak me out, man.

[both laugh]

This is cool. We got a good vibe going, man.

You're a super weird guy.

[laughing]

Hey, sit there while I throw things at you.

Body slam! No!

Don't do this! No!

And then he was always there.

[both chuckle]

And the truth is, is,

Schmidt loves me so much,

and to be honest, Jess, it scares me.

I mean, I don't think I deserve

all of Schmidt's love.

All I do is tease him.

I mean, of course you do.

[chuckling]: That's all you can do.

Do you think I'm a bad friend?

No, no, I'm a bad friend.

I got mad at Cece for being a model.

It's a dumb thing to be.

We got in a boob fight.

Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill.I'm just gonna say this--

I find that arousing, and let's move on.

Just, she's smart, you know, and she's interesting

and she could be doing anything else with her life

or at least trying.

You know, the weird thing is,

I was actually there when she got discovered.

You, take your glasses off.

Okay.

JESS: I can take my glasses off.

[chuckles nervously]

I guess I was always disappointed

with her for calling that lady.

It's just, when I hear all the stuff

about Cece's profession--

like, the dieting-- it's crazy--

and the butt drinking and the...

Did you say "butt drinking"?

Yeah. You can't say "butt drinking"

and then not explain what it is. Yeah.

It has two of my four favorite things.

I just feel like we have nothing in common, you know?Yeah.

Do you ever wonder why we're friends

with these people, Jess?

And, worse, if we met them now,

you think we'd still be friends with them?

[chuckling]: Maybe not.

I should go talk to her.

[door opens]

Well, Nick, I'm out of tears-- plumb out.

All that's left is just yellowish goo.

That's right, Nick-- goo.

[door slams]

That's a third of my life.

Cece.

Oh, hey, Nadia, sorry.

This Wilmer Valderrama.

[laughs]

Um, Nadia, that's not--

I mean-- or what I thought he would look like

in person.

[mouthing] Nice to meet you.

Big fan.

Where's Cece?

Cece drink too much.

She puke, puke, puke.

She puke,

cry, puke, cry.

She's so weak.

You put on pajama, Wilmer Valderrama,

top only.

Then, you make me salad, bitch.

Let's, let's get you into bed, okay?

I don't think we're doing any modeling today.

No, I have to go, Jess, I have to go.

It's my job, all right?

You know what, Cece?

I'm so sorry about last night.

I know that you're... [gags]

[exhales]

I know you're an intelligent person,

and sometimes I just... [gags]

[exhales] I just get mixed up, you know,

and I think that you're like me. [gags]

CECE: Don't, don't worry, I'm here.

Just tell me where to stand and what we're selling.

I'm gonna give it everything I got.

I'm calling your agency.

This is totally unprofessional.

Don't call my agency.

Just tell me where to stand.

Up on the spinning platform.

Yeah, I can't do that.Okay.

Please, no, seriously don't. I can't lose this job. No.

Don't call the agency, okay?

I'll do it. What?

I'm actually a model, too, mostly in Japan.

Um, they call me Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl.

I know you're lying and I just don't care.

Get over to hair and makeup now.

Cool.

[gags]

[sighs]

These things are heavy.

It's like chain mail on my eyes.

So, your job is to highlight the features of the car

Gary describes. We need you to be fun and sexy and American.

Then he's gonna move to the EcoBoost engine

and the new interior styling.

For the EcoBoost engine, give me something

mischievous. Mischievous.

Mischievous.Show me mischievous.

Okay, and at the end, just say,

"Ford. Go further."

Do I have to wear those?

Hey, everybody, my name's Gary, and I want

to introduce you to the all-new 2013 Ford Fusion.

Say hello to my good friend Jessica.

["You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates playing]

The all-new Fusion has been totally redesigned

inside and out.

All-new styling, 18-inch aluminum wheels,

three-year, bumper-to-bumper warranty,

five-year power train,

available Active Park,

available lane-keeping system,

standard voice-activated SYNC.

Your co-workers will be jealous.

From power plants that enhance efficiency

the high-voltage lithium-ion battery pack

provides enough power to operate in all-electric mode

for short commutes-- very smart.

The Ford Fusion is designed to be environmentally conscious.

Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion Energi are each powered

by a combination high-voltage electric motor

that utilizes... recycled material.

[audience gasps, murmurs]

The Fusion is available with an EcoBoost engine...

a hybrid,

and a plug-in hybrid.

The SE Hybrid is available with eco-friendly cloth seating.

No matter what color your seats-- ha!-- they'll be green.

Smoother rides, more fuel efficiency...

Gary...

The hybrid gets 47 miles to the gallon,

so you're gonna be filling up your tank less.Gary... Gary...!

When you do...JESS: I can't get out.

Hey, man, it's your old pal Jessica.

And it's not that difficult to get out.

There's also the available auto start-stop

[horn honks]that...

Use the handle.What's happening?

Further, go further.

[clears throat]

Hey.

Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man.

Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store,

so I got you a regular cookie

and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces.

It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.

What is this?

A Jewish star-- I just said that.

Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...This...

is so terrible!

You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.

You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie.

Gave me cookie, got you cookie!

[voice breaking]: You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man!

Gave me cookie, got you cookie!

We're even! We're even, Schmidt!

I mean, what do you want from me?

What do you want, Schmidt?

I've been racking my brain all day.

I walked around the grocery store, man,

for 45 minutes.

I didn't know what to get you.

And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen

like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like,

fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it.

I don't know, man.

You love me too much, Schmidt,

and you picked the wrong guy.

And when are you gonna get that

through that giant head of yours?

I'm just gonna let you down, man.

Are you crying?

I'm not crying, man.

Yeah, you are crying.

Oh, my God.

I'm not crying, guys. Just drop it.

I just felt like I did something nice.

Yes, you are, and that's okay.

Don't say that, man, 'cause that...

[clears throat] You know what I mean? Like...

Just let it rain, man.

I got you the cookie, Schmidt.

It's the best I can do, man.

What about the turtle?

You're the only turtle I want.

You're the turtle, man.

I knew I was the turtle.

Yeah, man, you're the turtle.

I knew I was the turtle.

[laughs]

You guys are the best, man. I love you guys.

I'm sorry, sorry, man.

[sighs, groans]

Hey, yeah.

[laughs]

I'm going to, uh...Yeah, I've got...

I'm gonna eat my sandwich.

[overlapping chatter]

This is a good sandwich.

See you guys.This needed to happen.

Wow, they gave you the, the huge lashes.

Like, those are the magnums.

Yeah, I actually like 'em.

I think I'm just gonna keep 'em on.

You're afraid to take the glue off.

Yeah, I'm terrified.

I'm really sorry about what I said last night

'cause... this is hard.

It is just pointing at stuff,

but it is-- it's hard.

Why is it so hard?

You make it look a lot harder.

No, you're brave.

You've always been braver than me.

Okay, what did you do to me last night?

I mean, can you sprain someone's chest?

You should see the other guys.

[chuckles]

WOMAN: Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?

I'm so full.

This really is your best cake ever.

Do you think so? Mm-hmm.

We all think so.

Hey, that's gross.

Get a fork, man.I got two

perfectly good forks at the end of my arms.

Hey, man, you do what you do.

Be you, man. SCHMIDT: I'd eat out of your hands, Nick.

Cake on your face.Petting zoo style.

NICK: Yeah, yeah.Cake all day.

Talkin' about cake!

Frickin' cake dudes.WINSTON: Look at you.

Look at you. Frosting face.Hey.

Want cake on your face?I don't really care.

Do you think, if we met today, we would still be friends?

WINSTON: I could watch you eat cake all day.Couple of guys eating cake.

I'm gonna have to do so much cardio tomorrow.

I don't know, but we're friends now.

[both chuckle]

Happy birthday, Cece.

Oh, man! That's messy.

You like rap music?Yeah, sure do.

Who's your favorite rapper?Brian Austin Green.

He's cool.He's awesome.

Go like this.

[laughs]

Try to catch the Pop-Tart, you big boy.

Good, I love Pop-Tarts.

Oh! [laughs]

Now close your eyes.

[laughs]

Did you get me?Yeah.

Good job.Ready?

[both laugh]

Ready? Yeah.

Aah, we did it!