Original subtitles

Give me that!

Move!

Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!

I've gotta get out of here.

Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.

-Girl, you got that list of questions? -Yes.

I think I have everything that I need.

Be happy you ain't got this chlamydia, all right?

Girl, I tried to take a piss earlier,

it was like there was an angry dragon inside my snatch,

like some Game of Thrones shit.

That's terrible, Kateesha.

I can't help it when a tall, athletic brother

come pushing up on this thickness.

Oh, yeah-- Oh, shit.

Oh, God, girl, I thank God every motherfucking day

that the SuperSonics moved to Oklahoma. Shit.

Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't be late for your interview.

What the fuck are you wearing, girl?

There ain't no camouflage, no fishnets,

and no fluorescent colors.

How they gonna see you in the dark, bitch? How they gonna see you?

I gotta go.

Wow, so big.

I'm sorry.

If you're looking for the homeless shelter, it's two doors down.

Oh, no, I'm Hannah Steale.

I'm here to see Mr. Black.

The college bitch.

May I take your coat?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Follow me.

In case you're wondering, I'm the hot secretary who's fucking the boss,

which means there's no room for the dopey intern with damaged hair and cankles.

Come here.

That's the smell of his balls after lunch and two games of racquetball.

Have a nice day, Ms. Steale.

Plain-ass bitch.

My leg.

You…

Oh, shit!

I guess I should've tried pulling.

Ms. Kavahellnah.

Christian Black.

Are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Good, 'cause you got fucked up!

You hit that statue like a hard-charging rhino.

I say rhino because you're fatter than I thought.

You got this bump on your nose that resembles a small horn.

-You wanna get that squeezed. -Okay.

A little Proactiv on it.

I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah.

You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah?

-Who the fuck are you? -My name is Hannah Steale.

I'm studying literature with Kateesha at the university.

Please, have a seat.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

No.

-No. -So, what do you want?

Jesus Christ! Just spit it out!

A pencil.

"A pencil." You should've just said that in the beginning!

Gosh! Here, take 'em!

-Jesus! -Thank you.

You gotta get your shit together, Ms. Steale.

Shit.

These are Kateesha's questions, okay?

"You have mad stacks of cash."

"How'd you get it, and can I get some?"

Ms. Steale.

I got my money the way most Black entrepreneurs got theirs.

Real estate?

Drug dealing.

See, you have to know your business inside and out.

I smoked crack.

Not for long,

but just long enough to know what a penis tastes like.

Tastes like raw rump roast.

I got all ashy, like E.T. when he was sick in the river.

I lost six essential teeth.

Have you ever tried to eat steak with one molar?

No. Why would I do that?

Gnaw and suck.

Gnaw and suck. It's hard.

Could be that you're lucky.

No.

Keanu Reeves is lucky.

Flo Rida is lucky.

Iggy Azalea is lucky.

Yeah, he's lucky.

Next question.

"Is you gay, or is you gay as a motherfucka?"

Just because you touch a penis doesn't mean you're gay.

Especially if it's for money or crack.

You're only gay if you enjoy touching penis.

You touch a penis with an attitude, like, "I don't like this." That ain't gay.

It's just exploratory.

You said you're an English major.

Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats that made you fall in love with literature?

-It was Seuss. -Seuss!

-Cat in the Hat, Thing One and Thing Two. -Thing Two!

I mean, who doesn't wanna be them?

Me and my brother were Thing One and Thing Two for Halloween this year.

-Really? -Yeah. Check this out.

Oh, my God, look at both of you!

We called 'em Thang One and Thang Two.

That's amazing.

What if I wanted to hire you?

I don't know. I see the way the women dress around here.

I don't exactly fit in.

You know, despite the Salvation Army sweater,

the greasy weave,

and your big ol' Usher nose,

there's something oddly attractive about you.

Yeah, you're like the little ugly runt in a litter full of pretty puppies.

The little ugly one that nobody wants to touch.

You're all hairless and big-eyed and wild-looking.

But you just wanna take you home and give you love,

or stuff you in a sack with a bunch of rocks

and just toss your ugly ass at the bottom of the ocean.

Just put you out your misery.

Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Black.

Please, call me Christian.

-Christian. -I hope I answered all your questions.

You certainly did.

-Hannah. -Christian.

Shit! Oh, God!

Jesus Christ! Oh, God, make it stop!

White girls, get that elevator fixed.

Hannah!

So, how was he?

He was all right, I guess.

Oh, shit! You fucked him, girl! I knew that shit!

Yeah, girl. Get that dick, girl, get that dick.

What? Get that dick! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Take it to town, motherfucka. Get that dick.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Shit, girl, yeah!

-So, did he have a big dick? -What?

Was it like real skinny, girl?

Or was it real long, like skinny long?

'Cause that's fucking weird. But, like, short and thick, girl?

-I can get down with that short, fat dick. -No, there is--

There's no-- There's no dick.

Remember what I told you, okay?

If it's got little red zit-like things on the head of that shit,

you put that in your butt, okay?

He gonna be like, "Oh, girl, no, it's just skin tags."

"Bitch, you got 47 skin tags on your dick? I ain't falling for that shit."

"Again!" Okay?

But you gotta admit, girl, he is bangin'!

Yeah, I guess if you're into the wildly-successful,

super handsome, possibly dangerous thing, then Christian Black is your guy.

Bitch, I'm talkin' 'bout little Wheezy!

Ooh, girl, he got tats on his tats.

And he ain't afraid to get a bitch pregnant.

Let you keep the baby and everything.

You gonna eat that?

I wish I could find a man the size of this to satisfy me.

This shit better be gluten-free.

Mr. Black.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Christian.

Oh, my God, you know what I wanna do?

-Hi. -What the fuck?

What a pleasant surprise, Ms. Steale.

Please, call me Hannah.

Okay, Ms. Steale.

I was just in the area and wanted to pick up a few items.

Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?

Yes.

I mean, unless you don't want me to.

You do want me to, don't you?

Something to think about.

Can I help you with something?

Yes. I'd like to pick up some cable ties and some tape.

You're in luck. We got some cable ties right here.

-What color do you want? -Red.

The color of passion.

The tape is this way. Follow me.

If I didn't know better, I might mistake you for a serial killer.

Don't be ridiculous. If I was a serial killer, I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,

chlorophyll, wood chipper, plastic sheets, and three large boxes of space Pampers.

And a shovel.

Second thought…

I think I need to pick up a few more items.

Well, looks like you're all set now.

Thank you, Ms. Steale.

Hey, if your roommate needs a photo to go with the story,

I'll be around tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

I'm actually around all next week.

Here. Just contact me.

"Christian Black."

"I'm not a bidness man, I'm a bidness, man."

Thank you so much for your help, Ms. Steale.

Let me know when those space Pampers come in.

Save me three boxes. Got a long drive ahead of me.

Bye!

I'm gonna call you.

-Jesse! -Hey.

Thank you so much for doing this last-minute.

Hannah, listen, you are my best friend, okay?

You know I'd do anything for you.

-Yeah. I'd really love a hand job, though. -What?

I said I really love this job. It's amazing.

Oh, my God. Get in here.

Later, I wanna hit it.

I didn't catch the last thing.

I said later, I wanna hit the bar.

Come on, Hannah, it's what platonic friends do.

You grab a beer, right? Then you make out and have sex

until we question the status of our friendship, you know?

-I guess. -Yeah.

-Come here. -Come on.

-Hannah! Did you just kiss me on my lips? -No--

-Wait, I thought… -No. Listen. Let's get one thing clear.

-We are just friends. Don't make it weird. -Oh, no, I thought…

-It's okay, I'll fuck you later. -Wait. What?

I said I'll see you later.

Geez, Hannah.

Just go.

Girl, he's staring at you like some real Fear-type shit right now, girl.

He look like Marky Mark after he left the Funky Bunch

-and started acting, girl. -All right, give me a smile.

Cheese.

All right, don't ever fucking smile again, okay?

He asked me to go to coffee with him after the shoot.

Oh, girl, that's cute! Last time I went to coffee,

I got eaten out outside of McDonald's.

That McCafé menu got a girl gushin'.

Let's break the Internet.

Eat.

I'm not your dog. You can't tell me what to do.

You're right. If you were my dog, I would do this.

Bad girl! Bad, bad, bad girl!

-So, tell me about your family. -Well,

my dad left me when I was two years old,

so I was mostly raised by my stepdad, Ron.

That's painfully uninteresting. How about your mother?

-She's been married eight times. -Yeah.

She's an incurable romantic.

Are you a romantic?

I guess.

I mean, I like long walks on the beach.

I like baby talk. I like to cuddle. And I love Nicholas Sparks movies.

Even the one with Miley Cyrus?

-That's my favorite one. -Bitch, I'm out.

-Cheers. -Yeah.

That tastes like a white boy on spring break.

I hate him. I'm gonna call him.

-You want another drink? -Yes.

-Drink to forget. -Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That tastes horrible.

The Molly must not be crushed up all the way. Let me fix it for you.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

You gotta what?

I gotta go to the ladies' room.

I have to take a shit!

Hannah, Hannah, you feeling all right? A little woozy perhaps?

-What? -Unable to make good decisions?

We should take it to the next level. Suck my dick.

Baby, you take it to the next level, you stop feeling sick, okay?

Oh, my God. You are my "bestest" friend.

Yes. With benefits.

Fuck my mouth with your fingers. Goddamn.

I'm never gonna get none.

I'll fuck you. I ain't gonna like it, but I'll do it.

-Listen, I don't fuck white girls, okay? -Nigga, who you callin' white?

She just call me the N word?

That kind of turned me on.

Call me "nigga" again.

Well, hello there.

Yeah, this is Hannah.

-Hannah, are you wasted? -Yes, I am wasted.

You're a hole-ass, you are might on the roney, you penis suck of yours.

You sound like Yoda. Listen, I want you to go home right now.

Don't tell me what to do, Mr. "Oh, let's go for coffee."

"No, stay away from me!"

Let me put this in words you can understand.

Now, right home you go.

No.

I told him.

Bitch, you smell like shit.

Hannah. Hannah. Hey, it's cold out here.

-You can't come out like that. -Thank you.

-How you feelin'? -Just a little bit drunk.

Are you Donald-Trump-running- for-president drunk

or Donald-Trump-saying- he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk?

That's some crazy shit. A lot of Mexicans just crossing the border and shit.

And you show them niggas love. Show them niggas love.

-Can I show you some love? -What? No!

Come on. Come on!

Just one kiss, man!

I don't know when you gonna be this drunk again.

Gimme that kiss! Come on!

-Hey! -Stop!

She said no!

Christian!

You just push me, nigga?

You got some crazy shit coming, boy.

-Wait. This nigga comin' back? -Comin' to you, nigga.

-He comin' back! -No!

Christian, stay down!

Okay. Okay.

The nigga's a ninja! This nigga's a ninja--

World star!

-Bitch. -He had such a beautiful face.

Did he leave? You better run!

-I don't feel so good. -Come on, let's get you home.

Oh, no, I can't with you,

because my roommate is in there.

Don't worry. She's being well taken care of.

What's your name again?

My name is Eli.

My friends call me Weekday.

I'm Christian's brother.

The poor one.

I know what you're saying.

"Oh, he's financially poor, yet spiritually rich."

-Nah, that don't count. -What do you feel?

What do you feel?

Oh, my God.

When does that end?

Oh, my God!

The weight of my penis makes my money too heavy to carry around.

-Yes! -Yes.

I'll see you later, woman.

Until we meet again.

How can I touch you? I mean, get in touch with you?

My number…

is seven.

That's a good number.

Oh, God. I'ma call you!

Good morning.

I've been staring at you all night. I haven't blinked once.

Gosh, my eyes are hurting.

-How did I get here? -I brought you here, Hannah.

-Did you undress me? -I sure did.

My God, we didn't…

No, we didn't.

And I have the blue balls to prove it.

Look at these things.

What are those? What the fuck are those?

It hurts so much.

I don't know what to do. Why are you showing me this?

I ordered you some breakfast.

Here. Eat.

You'll need your strength.

But you licked this one and did all sorts of other weird stuff to it.

Can I get a fresh one? Maybe some jam?

No, eat it.

Why don't you just leave me alone, Christian?

Because I'm incapable of leaving you alone.

I'm a certified stalker.

I have four restraining orders, and I'm currently working on a fifth.

Listen to me.

I don't do the romance thing.

Anal, yes.

Fisting, sure.

Two in the pink, one in the stink, yeah.

I do that.

But I don't do romance.

-You know, I'd like to bite that lip. -I wish you would.

Oh, my God!

No!

Come on. Let's get you outta here.

God, that made me wet.

I love it.

Fuck the bullshit.

How you doin'?

Open your eyes. Lizard kisses, come on.

Vampire bite!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!

You shut up and watch.

Get outta here.

Excuse me.

I have to warn you, elevators make me horny.

Daddy, I want you to write a song about me.

I wanna be your muse.

This is a great time.

I'm inspired to write a song about you right now.

That feels so good.

'Cause I love havin' sex unprotected

And I love when my dick's in you naked

Deeper, Daddy, deeper! Yeah!

Goin' raw in you, you, you, you…

Yes! Yes!

Goin' raw in you, you, you, you

I think you goin' platinum in about two minutes.

You're infected, yeah

Need antiseptic, yeah

'Cause, girl, you burned it

That like an E minor or something?

Oh, you burned it

Oh, you burned

Ooh, shit.

Motherfucker!

You done? I gotta get to church.

Hey!

You two are fucking.

Hey, bro.

-My brother. Peace and blessings. -How you doin'?

Hannah, this is my little brother, Eli.

-Little? -Yes.

I'm Eli, like the movie about the book, because I'm deep.

-He is deep. -Balls deep.

-Yes. -Yeah.

Kateesha told me a lot about you. Yeah, you're like…

You're, like, a lot plainer than I thought you would be.

Well, she plain but pretty.

You're like a brick wall, just boring and rigid…

-Okay. -And just ashy in some places.

Okay, okay, enough with the small talk.

We have a long drive ahead of us.

We do. Great pleasure. It's been a pleasure.

The moon shall rise again.

That's so romantic, boo. What that mean?

-Deuces, bitch. -Okay, I got you.

I see you later.

-Nice meeting you. -Bye.

All right, so listen. Meet me at the office later.

I have something special planned for you.

Okay? Deuces, bitch.

-Who you calling a bitch? -Oh, shit!

Damn, girl.

I was just saying. He said it to her and I thought it was cute.

Damn, bitch. I mean, girl.

You ready for the ride of your life?

Oh, my God! Are we gonna go in your helicopter?

I can't believe you thought I was gonna take you on the chopper.

We haven't even fucked yet.

After you.

Holy shit. You live here?

What, a Black man can't have a nice place like this?

No, a Black man cannot have a beautiful place like this.

You know, Wesley Snipes had a place like this

before he stopped doing his own taxes.

How about some wine?

-Yes, please. -Okay.

Do you know why I brought you here, Hannah?

I'm assuming to make sweet love.

I don't make love. I fuck.

Hard and quick.

Really quick.

It's like a Ronda Rousey fight. You blink, and it's over.

Okay.

But first, you're gonna have to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

What's that?

It's basically lawyer talk for "shut the fuck up."

Come with me. I'll explain.

A nondisclosure agreement protects both you and me, but mostly me.

Behind this door is my playroom.

You mean, like, for your PlayStation and stuff?

That's a nice key.

So tight.

Keyhole don't wanna open.

You ready to get opened?

Reload, man! Reload! I told you to reload!

I'm an Xbox man myself.

-You next, Black. -You don't want none of this.

When you done with Wendy Williams, jump on this game so I can shoot you in the face.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian. She's not attractive.

-Bitch look like she got lupus. -You look like a thumb

that's been yanked out of somebody's asshole.

-Slam dunk! -That's crazy. That's crazy.

Yeah, well, how about…

-I got nothing. -'Cause I'm better than you.

Okay, well, I got something I really wanna show you.

Oh, my God. It's not more broke niggas, is it?

-No more broke niggas. -No offense.

And don't worry about those ingrown hairs on your penis.

We can't see them through your pants.

Don't give her all the dick. She don't deserve it. Half the dick.

Over there fucking Charles Barkley.

Fuck this shit. I'm out.

Please, Ms. Steale.

Just keep an open mind.

Tantalizing.

Got these from my grandma.

You're a sick motherfucker.

No, Bill Cosby's a sick motherfucker. I'm just a dominant.

What does that have to do with me?

I want you to give yourself to me sexually.

Hence all the whips, chains and freaky sex toys.

And what would I get out of it?

Me.

Oh, my God!

Let me get this straight.

So, you wanna beat me with these paddles…

-Whip. -Whips.

You wanna chain me to this rack…

-Handcuff. -And humiliate me in unimaginable ways,

and in exchange for all this torture, I get you?

-Yeah, that's correct. -And women go for this?

Some women.

Wow. It's like Disneyland for grown-ups.

Yeah. So, what do you think?

I'm pretty much cool with anything,

as long as you promise you won't tell my dad I fucked a Black guy.

So, what do you think?

Two things. Where's the cup,

and when do we eat shit?

What we supposed to do in here?

Well, I thought we'd start with a little bit of rope play.

No!

Well, how about I just mount you to that rack over there and spank you?

Hell to the no!

Perhaps a little bit of flogging?

I don't even know what the hell flogging means,

so fuck to the no!

What are we supposed to do, then?

You need to find Jesus. That's what you can do.

Okay, here's how it goes.

I drafted a standard contract that lays out the terms.

Lots of sex, we have more sex.

Yadda-yadda, we end with sex.

You look it over, and you negotiate what you're willing to do.

I hate to throw a monkey wrench into the whole works here,

but I…

You have low self-esteem?

No. I…

You have daddy issues.

No.

What I'm trying to tell you is, I'm a…

-A virgin? -Yeah.

Man. I can't believe this.

I don't understand.

Okay, tell me you've done something. Blow job?

-Where does the blowing come in? -Finger pop?

-No. -Angry panda?

-Why is it angry? -Why did you ask that?

Oh, my God. Okay, tell me you've done anal.

I know how it goes.

You let guys put it in your little rusty bullet hole

so you can tell your mama and pastor that you're still a virgin.

I've just been waiting.

For what?

Girl, you are 20-something years old.

It don't get no better. It's going to spoil.

It's fermenting down there.

Just fermenting. Okay?

You gonna tell me nobody wanted the pussy?

Well, I just am very selective about who I've wanted to--

Selective? Sounds like something somebody with a pussy that nobody wanted would say.

-Hey. -Don't get me wrong.

I don't want it all worn out like an old washing machine belt

or hanging like wet straps in a car wash

or flapping around like an inflatable figure outside of a mattress store.

But I want it to have some experience.

Okay, look.

We're gonna fix this situation.

Right now.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

Come on.

Yes!

Very… Very Sasquatch of you.

Have you never had sex with a virgin before?

Not a hairy one.

You nicked me.

What the hell?

Oh, yeah. I have an outie.

Oh, wow!

That got flavor.

What?

You're the first person who's seen it.

Little Eskimo kisses?

I never had anyone do that to it before.

-Watch the teeth! -Sorry.

Got him.

Okay.

-Sorry. I didn't have time to shower. -Shit!

Thank you.

Okay. You ready?

I'm gonna take you to a whole 'nother galaxy!

Oh, my God, I'm coming!

Oh, God!

God! Get it!

Get it! Get it!

Already?

That was amazing.

Really? I guess I was expecting something different.

Don't worry. It's your first time. Don't sweat it.

You'll get better with experience. Just keep working on it.

You know, it's customary for a woman to make a man an oversized sandwich

to help him regain his strength.

Either that or some leftover pizza, or maybe a Hot Pocket.

You want me to make you a Hot Pocket now?

I don't make the rules, I'm just telling you.

You got a lot to learn, kid.

Are you asleep already?

Nigga!

Christian?

-Christian. -Oh, shit.

Who the fuck is that?

My mother.

Great.

Now I gotta get rid of two crazy bitches. Fuck.

Mother!

-Ah, Christian. -Hello.

You better get dressed, or we're gonna be late for the regatta.

I forgot that was today.

You're not doing crack again, are you?

-No, Mother. -I never raised you that way.

However, it is a prominent trait in your genealogical pool.

-Hello. -I'm standing my ground!

I'm standing my ground!

Oh, shit!

Mother, what are you doing? That's Hannah Steale!

How many times I gotta tell you? Black lives matter. Come on, let's get you up.

Hannah, this is my mother, Claire.

I am so sorry, Hannah.

Oh, my, you have beautiful breasts.

I would've thought they'd be more droopy, like a sock with a rock in the toe,

like in those National Geographic magazines.

You'll have to forgive my mother's behavior.

Sometimes she can be factually inaccurate and quite racist.

Do not apologize for me, Christian.

I am your mother, and I love you like you were my own white child.

But I still hide my wallet at night, just in case.

As you should, Mother.

It is awesome to meet you.

-Are you two dating? -Oh, no, Mother, we're not dating.

We're just fucking. Hard.

And quick. Apparently, it's the best way.

Well, I just can't tell you how pleased I am to meet you, Hannah.

I mean, you're the first woman I've seen Christian with.

I assumed that he was…

What would Oprah say? "On the DL"?

-You can do so much better. -Mother.

You're one of the richest, most handsome men in the world.

You could date white women. Like Tiger Woods and Seal.

Okay, it's time for you to go, Mother.

Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones.

Or even Ice-T.

Hannah, Christian's Chinese sister, Mai, has come to town,

so we're gonna hide the cats and have the family over for dinner.

-You should come. -I'd be delighted.

It was really nice to meet you.

Okay, great. Time to go, Mom.

Now, where is my wallet?

Still there.

-You just never know. -Yeah.

They're delicious.

All right.

We had breakfast. Time to go.

Look, your Uber's here. All right.

Okay, what?

Spit it out.

Well, how did you get into this whole dominant-submissive thing?

It was one of my mother's really close friends,

and my music teacher.

I was 16.

She was older.

Don't look so nervous, Christian.

All I ask is that you do your very best.

I thought I was supposed to be here for music lessons.

Baby, you are.

And your lesson starts right here.

Hey, hey. Snap.

We got a regular John Holmes here, without the big dick and the stamina.

Okay. Again.

One, two, three!

Do you know why I hit you in the head with that tambourine?

-I have no idea. -Were you rushing or were you dragging?

I thought I was fucking.

That wasn't fucking.

Now, count off.

One, two…

Was I rushing or was I dragging?

-Answer the question! -You were rushing!

Is that a tear? Poor little guy.

-Are you upset? -I'm upset.

You worthless, adopted, unloved little piece of shit.

Weeping and slobbering over my vagina

like a nine-year-old girl.

Now, for the last father-fucking time,

say it louder so I can hear it!

I'm upset!

Black, get off the bed. You make me sick.

-But I'm upset. -Get off the bed.

-You're not ready for this. -I'm ready!

Willy? Willy, you're up next.

Willy?

You better get your shit together, Black.

You're not gonna amount to anything, sexually or musically.

And you know what the biggest disappointment of all is to me?

I thought all you Black men had rhythm and a big dick.

Boy, was I mistaken.

I have rhythm!

You're all set, Ms. Steale. Courtesy of Mr. Black.

What the heck?

What is that? Is that a drone?

All right, just sign here.

Thank you very much.

Ooh, girl, another gift?

Damn, you must be giving that bomb head.

Wait a minute. Is that a retina display MacBook Pro?

Bitch, you lickin' that butthole!

I didn't lick a butthole.

Shit, you lucky, girl.

Like, I licked six buttholes last week.

I got a Dell! Desktop!

I can't take that shit anywhere, girl.

Hey, the mail come already?

No. It's just a weird sex contract Christian wants me to sign.

You sign that, but then you get that paper, boo, all right?

A bitch gotta get hers.

You keep licking that bootie, okay?

-We're done? -What…

Yeah, I read your text. Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop?

What does that even mean? You got me all fucked up with your emojis.

-Hey, how did you get in here? -Does it matter?

Yes, actually it does matter, because you don't live here and you don't have a key.

You don't need a key to get in a hamper, Hannah.

Here. Now, help me outta here.

You're lucky I wasn't in your medicine cabinet

or your jewelry box.

I tried to hide in your nightstand,

but you had this Gideon Bible in there and I couldn't fit.

Wait a minute. Did you break in through that window?

This one? Oh, no. That could've been anybody.

The brick on the ground says "Property of Christian Black."

"Christian…"

Yeah, yeah, it does.

But, I mean, that could belong to any Black Christian, right?

I mean, okay…

Enough with the interrogation.

Come here.

Do not move,

or I'll be forced to punish you.

-I said don't move. -Okay.

That feels weird. What is that? It's so hairy.

Yeah! Yes!

Wait, wait, wait, don't move. Don't…

Damn it, that shit was cold!

-Are you ready, Ms. Steale? -Yes, Christian.

You brought a condom, right?

-A condom? -Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, of course.

Of course I got a condom. Hold on one second.

Goddamn it.

Just knowing you care enough to use protection excites me.

Old trusty dusty.

"March 1982?" Aw, hell no.

Yeah, I got one right here. Found it.

Here, let me open it up so you can hear it.

Okay.

I'm just gonna scoot these little bad boys to the side.

And then I'm gonna park this right there.

Oh, my God, it feels so natural.

It's like you're not wearing anything at all.

It's lambskin foreskin.

-Just relax. -What?

Not you. I'm talking to myself.

Okay! Ready?

That was, like, two strokes!

This nigga's back here settin' records.

They gonna put me on a Wheaties box.

Thank God you're wearing a condom.

I know, 'cause, boy, we wouldn't want to get you pregnant, right?

I know. I'm not even taking any birth control, and I'm ovulating.

Did I tell you that twins run in my family?

-Twins? -My sister had sextuplets.

Sextup…

Oh, really? Let me just get an after-sex mint.

Here. Yeah.

Have one of these. Here you go.

Yeah.

-It tastes weird. -All gone?

Good girl.

Shall we begin, Ms. Steale?

Page one, paragraph one.

This must change.

There's a typo in the header.

That's it?

Mr. Black, I will end this negotiation right now.

My apologies.

Page four, section 13-20.

With regards to anal fisting…

-Is there a problem? -Absolutely not.

And strike out vaginal fisting. I mean, if you're gonna do anal,

you're obviously gonna have vaginal fisting. I mean, it's a given.

Oh, for sure. I will put that…

I'm putting that in there in bold.

Next page, sex toys. "Are they acceptable to the submissive?"

Dildos, I guess.

Butt plugs, fine.

-Fuck yeah. -How did this slip through the cracks?

-What's with the genital clamps? -Sorry, Ms. Steale, I…

I can't seem to find those in my…

Because you forgot to put them in there.

Rookie move, Mr. Black.

Silly me.

Let's be clear. I will not share you with another woman.

-I require at least two or three. -Five.

-Seven. -Seven it is.

You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr. Black.

You drive a hard bargain, Ms. Steale.

Thank you.

You know, Ms. Steale, I'd like to fuck you into the middle of next month.

Silly.

You couldn't fuck me into the middle of the next minute.

I'll fuck you into a different galaxy.

You'll be like, "Oh, shit, it's cold in Pluto."

Well, I'm gonna fuck you at the Stephen Hawking exhibit.

I'm gonna ram your ass so hard that I cause a tear in the time-space continuum.

I'll fuck you through slavery times. You'll get your freedom papers.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna rent me a DeLorean and fuck you back to the future.

I'll fuck you into another planet, where that insect is from Men in Black.

You'll be like, "How many times you fuck me?"

Three million, 746 hundred million times.

You'd be like, "Why?" I'd be like, "Shut up."

And I hit you with the neuron, like…

You'd be like,

"Oh, my God, why is my vagina so sore?"

And I'd be like, "You fell."

Well played, Mr. Black.

I've done this before.

And he's a major beneficiary of our university.

Interestingly enough, he donates all cash.

Usually in ones, fives, twenties,

the odd rolled-up $100 bill that's got a little bit of powder on it.

Please welcome Mr. Christian Black.

Why you tellin' all my business, huh? Don't get cut.

Thank you. Let's talk about life and your purpose.

You all spent four hard years in this school getting your diploma,

putting your parents in debt.

For what?

Between global warming and the world economy crashing,

I don't even know why you're trying to better yourselves.

Give up hope.

Think about it. You are wasting time.

You. You're a drug addict waiting to happen.

Look at you. You can't wait to get outta here and smoke some weed.

And you. You are a stripper.

Your ass is twerking as I'm sitting here talking.

You can find the rhythm in anything.

And you, sir.

Well, you're white. You'll be fine.

So, in closing, I would like to say,

"Thank God I'm not you."

-Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it! -Girl!

I'm so proud of you.

Who you telling? I was close, girl.

I was one hand job away from losing valedictorian to that bitch,

Lindsey Hung, right?

-What are you talking-- -Shut up.

I see that bitch, she talkin' shit.

She gonna need a gynecologist

when I'm done fucking that bitch up. All right.

Girl, I'll see you later. I'ma go punch a bitch in the throat.

Lindsey! You bilingual bitch!

So proud of you.

Hannah!

Dad!

I'm so happy to see you.

I'm so proud of you.

You know, I thought you'd turn out not to be shit.

But you ended up looking real good, being that you from a drunken whore.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, your mama's over at the rehab. Twenty-seven times is the fucking charm.

-Isn't it? -Yeah, it's the fucking charm.

-Hey, where are my other stepdads? -Right over there.

Jonny Quest, B.B. King. I don't know who that nigga is with his shirt off.

That must be your birth daddy.

Yeah, it's all good. What a great bunch of guys.

And you know the old saying, "It takes a village."

And it's true.

Especially when it comes to your mom being a gutter slut,

and the village is a gangbang.

-The village is a gangbang. -Hannah!

-Hi. -Hi!

Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player.

How you gonna walk up and kiss the girl I raised?

What kind of shit is this?

Ron, this is my boyfriend, Christian Black.

Boyfriend?

Ron, to be honest with you, I just fucked her a few times.

"Boyfriend" makes it sound serious, like I went raw.

I mean, I might've dipped, but…

-Are you thinkin' about marrying her? -No.

What if she get pregnant?

Still no, but hell, no.

I like this fella.

I like this nigga right here.

-I fucks with your stepdad. -You know what, from player to player,

Black, I really like you, man.

-You can fuck anybody you wanna fuck. -Thank you.

Just don't pass her around like we did her mama.

-That's all I ask you to do. -Yes, sir.

We passed her mama around like a baton, man.

You never told me that about your mother.

Your mother fucked everybody in the neighborhood,

then wanted to settle down with me, and I went for it.

I gotta hang out with you, man, get your knowledge.

You got a lot of wisdom.

I got a lot of wisdom and I been through a lot,

and I done been with a lot of hos

and the smells that's on my fingers over all the years…

Oh, shit! What?

-Still there. Never went away. -Damn!

Wow, sir.

-I smelled every last single one of them. -Yes, man.

It was like beautiful and horrible at the same time.

I've stuck my hands

in some of the nastiest bitches' pants all over the world.

Really?

Asia, Malaysia, Congo.

That's Dubai right there.

Wow, I smell the hair.

Touched a bitch's booty hole in Dubai at the airport.

I bet you could probably spit a lot of game to me.

Let me get a picture of me and you. A selfie.

No, no, baby. Just me and him. Ready? One, two, three. Nigga!

Where are we going?

Congratulations, Hannah.

That's a car.

With a broken window?

Do you like it?

Yeah.

It's nice.

You know what I went through to steal this car?

I mean… The car was a steal.

-Did you just roll your eyes at me? -No.

There's only two things I hate:

when you roll your eyes at me and Craisins.

Like, what is a Craisin?

It's not a cranberry, it's not a raisin.

Like, it doesn't even make sense.

-You just rolled your eyes at me again. -No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I have it on tape.

Check this out. Look at this.

What's she doing? She's rolling her eye. Look at that.

-How did you do that? -Come on.

-You, with me, now. -But…

Teach you a little lesson about rolling your eyes. Come on.

Now, do you know why I'm gonna punish you?

Because you're a sicko who likes abusing women?

While there may be some truth to that, that's not the reason.

Because I rolled my eyes.

Bingo.

This is gonna hurt you a whole lot more than it's gonna hurt me.

Welcome to my world.

Oh, God!

Fuck!

That hurt!

Did you do it?

Okay, 15 across: "winter beverage."

Nothing? You don't feel nothing?

I love knitting.

Are you gonna spank me? All this buildup is getting boring.

Okay. Okay, you wanna play?

I got something for you. Excuse me.

Enough of your games.

It's about to get real dark in here.

Sure.

Gonna find something that actually works?

Big brother almighty!

That was my sorority paddle!

You know, Hannah,

I didn't wanna have to do this to you,

but you've been a naughty girl.

Did you break my fucking stool?

No.

I think I'm pretty good at this.

I don't… I don't understand.

I fucking hit you with everything.

-I don't get it. -Don't feel bad.

I haven't felt anything down there since I got my butt implants.

I'll just… I'll see you back at my place tomorrow. Yeah.

When we are in this room, you do as I say.

Is that understood?

-Yes. -Yes, who?

Yes, sir.

Good girl.

Hands up.

Turn around.

On your knees.

Stay.

Don't look at me!

Raise your hand.

Did that hurt?

No.

Sometimes, the pain is in your mind.

Goddamn it! Mother…

And sometimes the pain is not in your mind.

Jerk.

I have a very important question to ask you, Ms. Steale.

-Where is bin Laden? -What?

Where is bin Laden?

When was the last time you saw bin Laden? Where is he?

I don't know!

He's been dead for five years.

I don't keep up on current events!

And now the real torture begins.

Where were we?

I can't remember the safe word.

Chapter 23.

"It was a cold, gloomy day in Seattle."

Oh, God, this book is 50 shades of fucking terrible.

Who wrote this, a third-grader?

Please go back to the water-torture thing!

-What's the safe word? -Stop it!

What's your safe word?

I don't know.

Please just… Are you gonna let me down now?

Yes, Ms. Steale.

If I could just find these keys.

You don't see the keys… No, I know where they are. I just…

God, my arms are really starting to hurt.

I got an idea.

See, most people use a universal lock key

in their sex dungeons for reasons just like this.

But what you got here is an over-molded swivel key.

That's a custom job. You need somebody else to take a look at this.

Don't know what to tell you. Next time, I'd put one of

those tracker app things on the key so you don't lose it.

-What are they called? -I know the name.

It's on the tip of my tongue. It starts with a T?

Maybe Ta-- Tam?

-Telepathy? -Hey, dipshits.

It's called a Tile.

-That's what it is. -Yeah!

-Shit, you're good. You went to college. -Hell, yeah.

Come on. I've picked a lot of locks, but I've never seen anything like this.

-Man, it's impressive. -Thank you.

Yeah. I got nothing. Who's next?

Who's next? What are you guys, Ocean's Eleven?

How many more fuckups are you gonna bring in here?

Stand back!

On the count of three,

the Great Mysterio shall command these shackles unlocked!

One! Do not divert your gaze.

Two! Illusion.

Three! Mysterio.

Thank you.

-That didn't work. -All the locks are still there.

-Nothing happened! -I got nothing, guys.

-Jesus Christ. -Sorry.

Speaking of disappearing, I have a bar mitzvah in one hour.

Mysterio!

Damn!

This was not in the contract!

Where are we going?

To my parents' house for dinner.

-You look lovely. -Thank you.

Where'd you learn to dance?

At this little club in Tampa.

Dance!

Yeah!

Wow.

Oh, fuck!

Take it off!

Oh, my God, he's got a baby dick.

It's just the lighting. It's bad lighting. It's creating shadow.

It's not little!

You're just little people!

Hi.

You made it.

Hannah! So good to see you.

-Hi. -Hannah, this is my dad, Gary.

Are we ever happy to meet you, Hannah.

-Really? -Oh, yes.

I was sure that Christian was gay.

He's well groomed, loves Lady Gaga.

Can't take his eyes off of Anderson Cooper.

What kind of Republican watches CNN?

Hi! I'm Mai. It's so nice to meet you.

I can't believe you're a Republican.

That's his deep, dark secret.

Shall we?

-I can't believe you're Republican. -Sorry.

Mrs. Black, this food looks amazing.

Thank you, Hannah.

Well, it was important to me that our adopted children

were exposed to their native cultures.

So, for Eli, I have prepared Balangu.

It's a spicy goat dish from Nigeria.

And for Mai, of course, we have Peking duck

from the Mandarin province of China.

I'm Korean.

Don't be fresh, Mai.

There are billions of starving Chinese children

who need their energy to make sneakers for Nike,

and they would kill for this meal.

For Christian, of course, we have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.

It's a very popular dish in Detroit, Michigan.

And your favorite, of course: hot sauce!

Oh, Mom.

So, Hannah, are you interested in having children?

Yes, I would, if I met the right person.

Oh, you have no idea what joy we have had from having our kids.

Mai's the one that I worried about the most.

I mean, she was so sweet.

I mean, it seemed almost inevitable that she'd grow up one day

and run off with Gary.

Like that little director fellow, you know, the one that married Mia Farrow?

Sweetheart, please stop. She's our daughter.

She is a hot little number, though.

Hannah, I would really recommend adopting underprivileged children.

Wow, that's really just so sweet of you, Mrs. Black.

It is a great conversation starter at charities,

it helps your social standing…

Give it to me.

…and your vag doesn't get stretched out like an elastic band at Cirque du Soleil.

Okay, Mom. Mom, please.

There was nothing I wouldn't do for my children.

I even learned to speak Mandarin for Mai.

That's not even a real language.

Hit that bottom!

Hannah, where is your family from?

My mom lives in Georgia.

Oh, Atlanta!

Then your mom must be a stripper.

She actually lives in Savannah,

and she's just a housewife.

Sure, she is, dear.

I'm gonna go and visit her, actually, in a few days.

Drinks anyone? Drinkies?

-I'll have two. -I'd love to, Mom,

but I promised Hannah I'd show her the estate.

-Home stretch! Yes! -Excuse us, please.

It's grocery time.

It's like I'm on air right now!

-How come you didn't tell me about her? -Who, my mom?

My God, she has a nickname?

-Do you love her? -Of course. She's my mother.

God! How long has this been going on?

Since birth.

Come on, I can't compete with that.

You don't have to compete with it. You're my boyfriend, she's my mom.

They're two different relationships.

No, they're not. Okay? Hannah, you're mine, okay?

There's no mother, no brother, no cousins, no second cousin removed,

no friends you call cousin 'cause your parents are close.

-There's none of that. -No play cousins?

No play cousins.

Christian, what do you want?

I want Kevin Hart not to be in every movie!

Why? He's hilarious.

Come on, there's other Black actors! How about them?

Like who?

It could've been Sam Jackson in Ride Along.

Who knows what kind of crazy wig he would've been wearing?

I thought you wanted me.

What do you want, love letters? Hickies? Edible Arrangements?

You know, that's not even real flowers. It's fucking fruit.

Yeah, but it's delicious.

And it's a start, okay?

And maybe we could advance to a Tiffany's engagement ring,

and a wedding where we invite 500 of our closest friends,

and then we have seven kids, and we live in a big house…

You had this whole thing planned out, huh?

You know, is it me, or is it hot in here? Shit.

You want me to be somebody that I'm not.

No, no, it's not me that's changing you.

It's you that's changing me.

Wait a minute. That's a line from the movie Radio.

No, it's not.

Yeah, yeah, the movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.,

where he played this mentally disabled athlete.

"It's not us that's teaching Radio, it's Radio that's teaching us."

Nah, mine is way different.

It's the same premise.

You complete me?

Jerry Maguire, also starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.

I don't understand your whole fixation on him.

You know, all this time I thought I wasn't in the right place,

but I was!

That's Snow Dogs.

Goddamn it.

I gotta stop bingeing on Netflix.

Hannah!

That song sounds so sad.

Not as sad as Luther Vandross's "Dance With My Father."

Oh, God, that song tears me up.

Every time I hear it, I just wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"

Christian, we have to talk.

You mean, like white people?

What's wrong with that?

Well, they just talk a lot, you know?

They do it differently than Black people do.

White people don't argue, they like to discuss.

Then they start throwing around all these big SAT words

and putting a lot of emotional guilt on each other.

It's just too much to deal with. I like it the Black way,

where we curse each other out, we may fight, and then we get cool again,

but we talk behind each other's back, like,

"I ain't fucking with that bitch."

-But what you not gonna do… -What you not…

-You not gonna… -You not about to "not" me!

-Don't let me get to clappin', boo. -Oh, hell, no.

See? That's communication.

I feel better already.

-Christian. -Hey!

You're not upset because I haven't signed the contract yet, are you?

I mean, it's not even legally enforceable. You know that, right?

What's important here are the rules.

And if you break them, you should be punished.

How are you gonna punish me?

First off, you'll get grounded.

I'll make you stand in the corner for an hour.

And then I will send you to your room without no supper, young lady.

Christian, this is crazy. Why do you need to punish me?

Because I'm 51 shades of fucked up!

You know I'm five-four seconds from wildin'.

I got three fillets for fryin'.

I got 99 problems, but now a bitch is one.

That's 100 problems, Hannah.

I can only deal with so much. Ninety-nine's fine.

A hundred?

I can't even count that far.

Okay.

Then you show me the worst.

I wanna see how bad it can get.

No more of this pussy-ass punishment you've been doling out thus far.

I wanna go all the way.

Is that something that you think you can do?

Thank you.

Yes.

Bend over.

Nothing says ass-whoopin' like good old Joe Jackson.

Hannah,

I'm gonna spank you six times.

I need you to count with me.

Goddamn it, motherfucker!

I said count with me.

One! Two.

Jesus! It hurts so bad I can't keep count.

-Where were we? -I don't know.

Goddamn it, Hannah.

I don't know how to count, okay? My crackhead mother never taught me.

How about this? Let's try in Spanish.

Spanish?

I'm not too sure, but I think cinco comes after tres.

Are you kidding me? Cuatro comes after tres.

Well, don't get mad at me. I don't know Spanish.

Look, my crackhead mother never taught me how to count or how to speak Spanish.

-Now we gotta start from scratch. -No.

I am tired.

Oh, God, that is exhausting.

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

Come on, let's get you up.

Don't touch me.

Hey.

Does it make you happy to see me like this?

I mean, not really.

You look like a sad Gollum.

Like you's all bent over, and you're crying.

You look a little crazy.

Come on, don't hate me.

Hate you?

I loathe you.

That's a thesaurus word right there.

I hate you the way Black people hate cops.

Wow.

I hate you the way Republicans hate Obamacare.

Baby, come on now.

I hate you the way Kanye West hates everybody else.

Well, I'm kind of with him on Taylor Swift.

What is that bitch singing about?

You will never do that to me again.

You said it was cool.

I know niggas, grimy niggas who do not value themselves,

and they will have no problem coming down here to fuck your little ass up.

-Slow it up now. -Just one "cuckoo,"

and they will swoop down on you like pigeons on old garlic bread.

You can't be cuckooin' on this motha… You gotta calm them niggas down.

You know what?

Let's try something else.

This is cute. I get it. A little role-play.

It's cute. Handcuffs. All right.

You thought you were gonna do this shit to me?

You messed with the wrong bitch.

You sound angry.

This is for Kerry Washington from Dejango Unchained!

It's fucking… That is Django. The D is silent!

This is for Lupita Nyong'o in 12 Years a Slave.

Goddamn it! It stings so bad.

All she wanted was some soap.

Even the antibacterial soap.

This is for Denzel Washington.

Wait, he's not even a woman. You're just getting crazy.

But they made him cry in Glory.

Who makes Denzel Washington cry? Nobody.

You talkin' 'bout like this? See, look, I have a Glory tear.

If it wasn't for Denzel Washington, Flight would've been a fucking Soul Plane.

Shit!

Why the fuck did they make Soul Plane anyway?

And this is for the little white girl in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Johnson. Dakota Johnson.

She didn't have to be naked the whole fucking movie.

That shit was just gratuitous.

It burns. It burns.

-Yes! -It burns. It feels like someone lit a…

…my ass on fire. Oh, God, it hurts.

We done?

Oh, no, nigga. No, we not finished yet!

We not finished with you yet, nigga.

Where you goin' with this?

I'm about to get medieval on your ass.

Welcome to my world, motherfucker.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

This hurts so much.

I wish I'd died.

Don't touch it! Don't touch it!

Oh, it's tickling.

Christian, I thought you'd like it.

What's there to like?

What kind of sick pervert beats you

for their own enjoyment?

Christian, you don't want somebody like me.

You're exactly what I want.

A broke college graduate with a liberal arts degree

and no future prospects?

It's exactly what I want.

Christian, I've fallen head over heels in love with you.

Slow it up. That is not in the contract.

Like, it specifically says, and I quote,

"Bitch don't love a nigga."

Okay? And I double-bolded that.

I knew I should have had you sign this contract.

Christian, I think it'd be best if you leave.

Get out!

Fine, you want me to leave? Fine, I will leave!

Okay? Wait, time-out.

I live here.

Shouldn't you be the one leaving? Am I wrong?

Take an umbrella, 'cause…

bitch, it's raining.

I need my car back.

I already sold that piece of shit. I'll send you a check for $37.

That is way below Blue Book.

Hannah.

Christian, you have to let me go.

-Please, listen to me. -No, you listen to me.

You'll find someone. Somebody who wants to be open

to all the demeaning things that you wanna do to them.

-Hannah. -Christian.

God!

How is he gonna love you? He doesn't even love himself.

Did you see his haircut, girl?

How could you think this was gonna end well?

Never look back.

-Christian. -Hannah.

While running down 47 flights of stairs,

I had plenty of time to think.

And when I passed out on the 23rd floor, I realized I owed you an apology.

I just want to say I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

Especially for the whole waterboarding thing.

Turns out, you were right about bin Laden.

-Who knew? -Everyone.

-You hurt me, Christian. -I know.

But I have softer whips. You know the kind with the pink fur on it?

-It takes the sting off. -That's not what I'm talking about.

-You want romance. -I deserve it.

Well, what's more romantic than running down 47 flights of stairs?

-You know I pulled a hamstring? -Did you die?

No, but that's gonna keep me out of the Red Room for at least a week.

Bye, bitch.

Okay, okay, okay. Hannah, wait, wait. Hannah.

No, Christian. You are incapable of having a normal relationship.

I know, but I'm trying, okay?

I want to be like that old man whose wife has Alzheimer's.

He wakes up every day and tells her the story about their lives together.

Then they take a nap, but they don't wake up.

-Because they're dead. -That's The Notebook.

That the one with Ryan Gosling and the girl with the big-ass forehead?

He never forgot her.

You don't even like Nicholas Sparks movies.

I used to hate them, but now I love 'em.

Even The Last Song.

Why was that even a movie? You know that wasn't even a book?

If I'm gonna give you another chance, things have to be different.

I know.

I have something very important I wanna tell you.

I lo…

I lo…

I…

What I'm trying to say is, I love…

Empire.

That Cookie just says the craziest things.

Okay.

I love you.

I knew you loved me.

I have one last surprise for you. But you're gonna have to pack a bag.

Are we gonna go on your private jet? What kind of jet is it?

No, no, no. Don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

I can't believe you thought I'd take you on a private jet.

I love you and all, but you don't even have a ring yet.