Original subtitles

In the days after the giants, and before St. Patrick came, there was great

violence and terrible bloodshed across the land.

There was a time when the slough and the marve stalked field and forest,

shoreline and mountaintop. Who were they, Bridget? They were the host of the

dead, restless spirits, neither welcome in heaven nor in hell.

And woe betide any man or woman who met one, for they would take your mortal

soul. Bridget, what the hell is going on?

Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm trying to tell a story.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Nothing what?

Nothing, Matron.

You don't want to wash your mouth out, Bridget, the language out of you.

You have to wake all night with the terror, so you will. Mary does like a

good frightener to put her to sleep, so she does. I do.

Have you given that the night meds yet?

Not yet.

I knew well you hadn't, Missy.

Why should you be allowed to live here and you don't do your job properly?

I'm trying to run a care home here. Get her to bed, go on.

Best thing for Alzheimer's is a good night's sleep.

Have I got Alzheimer's, Bridget?

Of course not, Mary.

Well, why did the matron say that then?

Because she's an old cunt.

An old cunt is right.

I am nowhere but home by the sea.

When he is free, I'll get severing loaded.

Whisper my secrets in breath.

Okay, my son across the sea

You heard tell of the man who was crucified back in the day?

Jesus. Fucking Jesus.

A man.

What fucked up.

Like you.

What had himself nailed to a pool table.

It was on this very table that it happened.

My late husband done it.

Do you know why?

Was it someone out of money?

Ah, they told me you were thick.

I had to get the hell old bays redone after that.

I thought I was being extreme myself.

Right before, the Tala Pala Ballot.

The baseball bat.

Where's my money? Where are you going to get my money? I can blob. I can blob.

And I can drive.

Fast.

What do you reckon?

Well, I reckon you better get me a couple of cars then.

And I only want high-end premium jalopies.

No shiteboxes, did you hear me?

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

They don't know you feed Kelly abroad has me wrecked.

Yeah, do you they do? Yeah, if you know cow, it's bleeding bar to go I left in

the bowser Some fucker read that me. Do not have another one No

one's enough What do I need fucking tail for a case ones robbed any

I thought you were off to gargle.

I found a lag in the model.

I never asked you about your scars, Bridget.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

When I was sad, Mabel.

Not like now?

No, not like now.

My hair has gotten very fine.

That's because you hardly eat.

It used to be luscious.

Luxuriant.

That's a lovely word, isn't it, Bridget?

Luxuriant.

Luxuriant. It is a lovely word.

Do you want the hairdryer? No.

Leave it to air dry.

Now. Well done.

I don't know when I got so old.

In my head, you know, I'm still 16.

Mind up?

No.

I always wanted to go to India.

We'll go together when you get well.

In a camper van.

I'm not going in a camper van, you must be joking.

Maybe we could stay in a hotel the odd night then.

That was a nasty one. Is there much pain?

Is it getting worse?

The vent in the patch is not working.

Do

you

think you could help me, Bridges?

Stop, stop, stop.

Have you

got the elk?

Bloody when you wear a nose kitty.

Not too tight, Bridges. I like to feel a bit free.

Calico.

Gingham.

Chins.

Khaki.

All words from India.

Isn't the world a wonderful place, Bridges?

It is, Mabel.

Looking good, bro.

Yeah, sweet.

Bollocks. Cheer, bro.

I'm not after us to be gone in a minute.

What if the fella in the car park called?

Ah, fuck this.

You don't fu- Fuck's sake!

I'm a devil

Hey, take the penny.

Are you serious, bro?

Plays on my skin. I'll get you back.

Come on, I'm in bed today.

My mum and I are at the hospital. I swear to God.

Go on, fuck it.

Mother of God!

You put the hard crossways in me, Mary!

The queer fella was moaning in his sleep, so he was.

He could get up and murder me and my pet.

Or any of us.

Why would he want to do that, Mary?

Well, if he's a murderer, like, he wouldn't need a reason.

That'll settle him now.

What if he wakes up and then murders me?

After the dose I'm after giving him.

There's more chance of him milking the ditties on a bull than that man

murdering you.

Come on.

No more scary stories for you, Mary.

You're going nowhere, Missy. You stay right where you are.

There's nothing wrong with me.

You're going nowhere, Missy. There's nothing wrong with me.

Stay where you are.

There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me.

You're going nowhere, Missy. There's nothing wrong with me.

Who saw the prayer with yours, but it suffered the first glance?

A sweaty red complexion for a hedge you're fucking fuming

Conversing with a body of skin you call your neighbor

Laconic word exchanges set the tone, accept the future

Oh man, I helped him.

Come on, come on, come on, guys.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Busy, busy, busy.

Come on, Paul. Pick up the paste, everybody.

Pick up the paste. Pick up the paste.

That's right. Okay. Let me see. What do you got over here with the burgers?

Okay. Two burgers.

One, two.

Okay. Not rocket surgery.

Come on, guys.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Busy, busy, busy, busy.

Jesus Christ almighty.

Look, it's chips and two burgers, okay?

Stop fucking touching me, will you?

Come on, guys. Busy, busy, busy.

You just go over there and clean up those two tables for me. Yeah, I'll

finish this. Hey.

Two milkshakes, yeah?

Take a seat and I'll bring them down to you.

What the fuck's wrong with you? You are playing in front of me. What are you,

fucking blind?

Let's go!

Let's go team!

Come on the fuck!

Come on, hurry up!

You're fired.

Yeah, whatever.

Do you know what you are?

You're a loser.

Don't tell Bunny.

I have to tell Bunny?

If you say it to Bunny, I'll tell him you asked me to soak you off.

I didn't. He said you had a wife on the dole for you and you wanted to know what

it was like.

What are you talking about?

He didn't want to go to your grave without knowing what it was like to be

sucked off.

Go on.

Get out of here.

Don't tell Bunny.

I have to.

I was sexually assaulted.

When I was younger.

In the home.

Not by me.

There was a fella who looked like you.

The same two little baby eyes close together.

Please leave.

Down, Carl. Go on in. Or I'll fucking burn the place down.

Paul. Every time, Paul.

Every fucking time. Jesus.

Fuck off, Bunny. Our man's a prick.

It's always somebody else's fault, isn't it?

That's right.

How many jobs is this now you have to go into?

Did you threaten to burn the place down?

No, I fucking didn't.

Is this car unmarked?

You know what it is.

Because if you're trying to be undercover, the aerial gives you away.

What happened to your face?

What happened to yours?

You weren't involved in any of them shenanigans last night.

No. What are you talking about?

So what do you want to do? Get a booger or something?

Always the smart guy.

What's the excuse this time? He's bowie, that one.

He's not. He is.

He said you knocked him over.

I shouldered him.

You shouldered him?

You see?

You still have it in you then, good man. I'm not going back on your poxy hole in

time. You were the best under 12 I ever seen play.

Superb athleticism, great physicality. I'm not playing for you.

Why not?

I'm too old for the under 12s.

I'm talking about the senior team.

No.

He said you were going to accuse him of sexually harassing you.

That's not funny.

It's a little bit funny.

Can you help me or not, buddy?

Suppose I could make a call.

The bollocks of this and you'll be on your own, do you hear me? Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, buddy.

Won't be the most glamorous job in the world, no.

But are you coming or what?

Now. Of course, now.

Come on, to fuck.

You still have the Aussie?

The observant one.

You're not supposed to give that back when they sacked you.

They didn't sack me.

They transferred me.

Ah, yeah.

What was it again?

To traffic, and well you know.

And is there much call for the old Uzis in traffic?

There's always call for the old Uzi.

You may let these gentlemen in to do their job and after, if you wouldn't

mind giving the room a good clean.

What are you brushing her hair for?

I want her to look her best.

She's not going straight to the funeral parlour, Bridget. There'll have to be an

autopsy.

Why?

Sure she was on the way out?

Well, maybe the family weren't expecting it to happen so fast then.

She didn't like her family.

What's that got to do with it?

Do you think there will be an autopsy?

That or some class of an investigation maybe.

Why? I don't know. I don't see the point of it myself.

I mean, she was hardly murdered.

Finish up, Bridget. We need to get the next one in.

I want you on your best behaviour for the matron here, yeah?

I'm sticking my neck out for you, so don't fuck it up.

What's she tell?

There's a bit of history there.

Don't be an eye on me now.

You stay there.

You know I'd do anything for you, Bunny.

But today's not the best timing.

They're like cattle.

They all get skittish when one of the herd dies.

I wouldn't ask if I didn't need help.

I'm not sure if that's true, Bunny.

You've never been slow about asking for things that you want.

I adore you, one.

Oh. Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

What will I do with you at all, at all, at all?

Is that your boy out there?

It is.

Tell him not to be touching my car.

Will you not lean on the camera?

What?

So where were we?

Wait.

Anonymous. What's the story there?

Oh, him. He's nothing to worry about, Bunny.

He's been with us a few weeks and no one's come forward to claim him.

I think he might be a foreign national.

Or a tourist. Who knows?

Do you want me to look into it? I could get on to Interpol.

Play the Interpol.

Interpol.

Oh, don't bother yourself, Bunny.

The man's probably just some dirty wino spunker.

You know the type.

There we go.

I'll do your ironage.

Fairly straightforward, really.

Effectively a nurse's aide. Whatever the nurse on duty tells him to do, he does.

We don't have to wash their asses, do we?

I'm only saying.

I don't know if we could.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, you would if you were asked.

Yeah.

If I was asked, of course.

You'd have to be shown, obviously.

Yeah, but then I'd do it, you know?

Point me in the right direction.

Like there's an ass to be washed.

And it's dawn, you know.

My mammy is coming to pick me up, so she is. You're not seven, Rose. You're 87.

Bridget, can you get her back into bed, please?

Do your job properly for once.

I can't.

My mammy is coming to take me home, so she is.

Is she?

It's my birthday.

And what age are you now?

I'm seven.

You're very tough at seven, aren't you?

I mean, you look like you could be eight.

Are you serious?

How did you manage that?

Promises were made.

Put it that way.

That was you out robbing cars last night, wasn't it?

Are you going to arrest me then?

I want to give that up now, you know that?

You're in the last chance of doing with this job, so don't fuck it up.

Bunny.

They'll think I'm a loser.

What?

Jesus,

of course not.

You're not a loser.

You're just last resort.

There's a difference.

When first I saw the love light in your eyes

I thought the world held not but

shine for me And even though

we've drifted far apart

I have you copped, sneaking young lads in here.

That

was my favourite

sex god, Stanley.

How about we throw on a bit of Rye Orbison and have a bit of an Owl Hooley?

I don't think I can take much more of this, Bridget. You don't like Rye

Orbison?

I think I'm done, Bridget.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Are you feeling especially sad today, Stanley?

I feel especially sad every day, Bridget.

Because everybody you ever loved has died.

Yes, Bridget.

Because everybody I ever loved has died.

It's not great timing for me, Stanley.

Could you wait a month or so?

Bridget, I'm off now.

This fella's supposed to be starting tonight.

Would you look after him? Yeah, yeah, of course I will. Leave him with me.

I'm Paul.

Bridget.

What do I need to do then?

Two things, really.

Can you dance?

Not really, no.

You only have to shuffle around a bit.

And what's the other thing?

Play make-believe.

We'll worry about the dancing first.

Bridget, do you think you could organize safe passage, so to speak, tonight?

You know, strictly speaking, Stanley, it'd be murder.

But you'd only be helping me like you helped the others.

That's a low blow, Stanley.

It is a low blow, Bridget.

It's a lot of forms to fill out.

You said...

When I was ready, you'd help me.

I did.

Have you your affairs in order?

I do.

What are you doing?

The owl there, though, thinks she's seven.

Rose? Yeah, Rose.

She says she wants to go home.

OK.

We've got something on the announce.

Oh.

Fuck.

Right, so, we've done the dancing.

Now the make-believe.

Let's get cracking.

We don't have to dress up or anything, do we?

If you want me to, I will, but... No, take a look at that.

So, a good lot of them have dementia, like Rose, and a good lot of them don't

get any visitors, so that's why I do like to do the make-believe.

What do I have to do?

You read to them.

Can you read?

Of course I can fucking read.

Well, you read them stories, you pretend to be a relative, and you read to them.

It settles them.

Then some of them, like Mary, she's mostly still there, so she'll know who

you are, you don't need to pretend.

And she likes stories.

Horror, slasher, that type of thing.

It's all written down, it's all in my book.

Come on.

It's a strange night, Bridget.

But not a bad one to go out on.

Are you ready, Saul Stanley?

I'm ready now, Bridget.

Daddy?

Are you still here?

I'm here, Rose.

I'm here.

Don't leave me till I'm asleep.

I live on energy drinks.

Do you know what, Mum?

I'm grand with this.

So I still have one more to do.

Anonymous. I noticed he wasn't in your book.

Yeah, I don't like going into him.

I give you the willy sometimes, the moans out of him.

Does he ever wake up?

Well, he is in a coma.

Sorry.

See you,

Amy.

I love you.

What the fuck is that?

Tattoo? Yeah.

Looks like someone played X's and O's all over him. Screw the way he be

looking.

What do you think it means?

Maybe it's the number of people he's killed.

That's a lot of people.

Or maybe he was in the army or something.

What about this one? Here.

G-R-I-N.

Green.

What do you do to that?

Any clue what it meant?

Maybe because he was always grinning.

Like a clown.

Now... How are you, Grinna?

Grinna, what's the story? Come on! Anybody in there?

What are you?

Trying to get through to him.

Trying to come out on a key.

Wake up the fuck! Come on, Grinna, you cunt!

What the fuck, man?

The.

I don't want to go to jail.

You've done nothing.

I'm not going to kill them.

You don't understand. This is really bad timing.

Well, I could be roasting this.

I need to show you something.

Is he dead?

Sometimes I try and help them on their way.

You mean Kildon?

It's a bit harsh.

You're a blade in a dark horse, aren't you?

Is there anything else you need to know?

Well... I might have a bit of a drug problem.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Can we have a bit of a drink, love?

Ah, fuck.

What? Bonnie.

Bonnie?

Who's Bonnie?

Who's the bad Bonnie?

I'm the bad Bonnie.

Bad Bonnie!

Fuck me, Bonnie!

Fuck me!

Smoke? We're not supposed to smoke inside.

I'm not supposed to kill anybody inside either.

Go on then.

Who the fuck do you think he is?

Well he seems to answer to Grinner anyway.

What are you whispering for?

The fucker's dead.

Fuck. Was that the death rattle? I don't know what it is.

You're alright, buddy.

You're safe here.

No one will haunt you.

Breathe. Patsy, just breathe.

Do you know where you are?

Do you know who you are?

Are you Grinna?

It was something like that.

No. Definitely not heaven.

Am I in the other place?

You're in a type of hospital.

I need to get out. I need to go.

Where?

I need to get the fuck out of here.

You're safe here.

It's a hospital.

Well, it's our hospital.

It's an old folks home with medical facilities.

But you're safe.

No.

I have to go.

I have to go. Don't you understand?

Take it easy, pal.

No one's going to hurt you.

Oh, they are.

There's people coming.

What people?

That's a map.

Could have filmed me.

We thought it was X's and O's. It's a map.

For where the treasure is.

A map for where the treasure is?

Do you think you shared it with us?

Did he say million or millions?

Back the fuck away, bitch.

He's like the devil himself.

Let's do this.

I do love a good murder.

That's like a dozy from the car.

Oh, I think you forgot your trousers.

Bollocks.

Let's fuck this place up.

Right. Got Glocks, Lugars, Mausers, Shotguns, Double Bars, Sauna, you name

it.

The fuck is wrong with people?

me, Marianne. Please.

Well,

if you're just itching for those next chapters in the tale and can't wait a

week... We have you covered.

The full season of Tall Tales and Murder has just dropped on RTE Player right

now.