Original subtitles

All right.

I’m gonna go drain the snake.

Wally! Watch my beer.

You’re gonna have to use the woods, man, ’cause the toilet's broken.

Ahh! Bullshit!

Howdy, buddy.

oh, God!

Uhh... hello?

Hello in there?

Hello?

This is the FM talk station.

I think yesterday I started the show with a story that would make you upset and cry.

About the dog-- oh, yeah...

The dissection. Well, now there’s another story

that’s going to make you upset and cry.

From the Internet this time-- coming to us from Tallahassee.

Shut up! God damn it!

Son of a bitch.

Faraday.

Yeah? We’re goin' out on a call.

Why am I going out on a call?

Einhorn said to take you. Said the call was a little... weird.

So now I’m the "weird call" guy, huh?

Yeah, ’cause you know you've been so busy, he figured-- All right.

All right. All right, all right, I’m coming.

Okay, what’s so weird about this?

Possible dead body. Possible?

Yeah, possible. Well, is there a dead guy or isn’t there?

Caller said he didn’t know what it was. Ooh, spooky.

And why couldn’t another uniform do this? It’s Alvared County.

Our patrols don’t usually go that far unless we get a call. And we got a call, huh?

We got a call. Yeah, well, I’m the weird calls guy, huh?

I’m Detective Faraday. This is Officer Reed.

I’m glad you came. We’ve been waitin' all mornin’.

Right. Where is it?

Where’s what? The--

the "thing."

Sure, uh, come on.

Right.

Someone kicked the door in with some kind of device.

Maybe a car crash-- I don’t think so.

Looks like somebody broke the door from the inside,

then picked it up and tried to put it back on.

What the hell could do that?

I don’t know. look, the door ain’t the problem.

The problem’s inside.

Here, look for yourself. I’ll go 'round.

Come on.

Fine.

Oh, Jesus.

Now, tell me honestly, buddy,

what the fuck is that?

I was thinkin’ at first it may be a dead animal,

but now, I-I--

What are you doin’? What do you think?

I don’t know.

Has anyone touched this or anything? Oh, no, no!

I made sure nobody fooled with it.

Right.

Holy shit.

That was about 11:40 that he left with her.

And he looked out of it. Define "out of it."

Drunk. He looked drunk.

What more can you tell me about this woman?

Ah, let me think. Uh, Indian, I think.

Indian? You know, American Indian.

Like, uh, Native American.

Right. I got it. Go ahead.

Long black hair.

She had, uh, sharp features,

like she was perfectly carved.

Like someone really took time makin’ her. Can I get a height?

Well, she was maybe five foot five,

maybe six.

And, uh,

she was just real sexy, you know?

One of those where, you look at her

and all you could think was, "Man, I gotta hit that.

I gotta hit it."

Pardon me. "Hit that"?

Fuck her!

Ah. Yeah.

She had these eyes like, uh,

maybe they were contacts, but...

maybe like yellow eyes, you know?

Okay, so, what? Light brown?

No, man. Yellow.

Like, uh, like a deer caught in the headlights of your car.

Right.

Who’s in charge of the scene? That would be me.

Great.

Well, I hope you didn’t manage to lose the body or somethin’.

Nope, everything’s copasetic.

"Copasetic"? Yeah, everything’s cool.

Whatever. Just give me your notes.

I thought Einhorn was giving me this one.

In your dreams, Dwight. This one’s all me.

You see, I’d say this falls under the "violent crimes" category,

not insurance fraud or incest,

or whatever bullshit they got you up to these days.

- Animal attacks. - Right!

Sure. Animal attacks.

Ooh, so tell me, does this look like an animal attack to you?

Actually, they were telling me they saw some deer by the truck.

Right, right. So a deer rips this guy’s truck door off,

beats him with a sledgehammer

till he looks like surrealist art, and then what?

Retires to his chateau in the woods to plan his next attack? I didn’t ask for this call.

Whatever. Like you haven’t been beggin’ for a reason to get out of the station.

Detective Patterson will be taking over for me.

Have a nice day.

I just got a call from the-- I know, we’re off the case.

Yeah, they want me back patrolling Greenwood and you on an animal attack.

What is it?

Some old man’s pet monkey bit some old lady’s dog.

Now there’s a royal rumble going down.

They want you back at the station. Wonderful.

That was before we moved to Seattle, and I’d never seen anyone own a monkey there.

I didn’t think owning a monkey was legal. I think you’d better check that out.

Yes, ma’am.

Did you make a note of that? That owning monkeys is illegal?

Yes, ma’am. I made a note to check it out. Yes, I did.

He was always a vicious little thing.

He nearly killed my neighbor’s cat.

He picked it up and twirled it around and around.

He hit that wall, that poor cat! Oh!

I can’t have five husbands looking after these.

Excuse me? Excuse me!

It started at the groin.

What did you just say?

The trampling. It was a trampling.

It started at the groin, then worked its way up

and then back down the body maybe 15, 16 times.

That’s why it didn't look like a body at first.

The torso was shattered and caved inward.

What?

It’s nice talking to you, ma’am.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Did the morgue get in that body from Red County yet? Yes, sir.

It’s already on the table. The family’s requested it,

but we’re going to keep it longer to see if we can dredge something up.

What name is it under? The guy’s name was Maltoy.

Yeah. Henry Maltoy. Sign me in so I can take a look at it.

They’re actually in the middle of checking it out right now.

Who’s the, uh--?

Dana.

Great.

Hey, Dana.

Dana?

Dana?

Dana!

Christ!

I thought they stopped letting you wear your, uh, face things?

Well, no one else would take this guy so I figured "fuck ’em," right?

What do you mean no one else would take him? Just that.

No one on staff would look at him for more than a couple seconds.

Aren’t you people trained to handle this stuff?

Yeah. That’s what I said.

I should probably get that.

Do we have a cause of death yet?

Well, massive blunt-force trauma would be sort of an obvious guess. This guy got leveled.

It looks like a truck ran over him, then backed over him, then ran over him--

I get it, I get it.

But it wasn’t a truck. No.

Have any clue what it was? Not the slightest.

I’ve only got one thing for sure so far. What’s that?

He died with a ha--

He died in a state of arousal.

How can you tell that?

You see this? Yeah.

That was his penis.

You see these lines here? These are stress fractures.

You wouldn’t see those if he was flaccid.

Something snapped his penis.

What do you mean "snapped"?

I mean "snapped." Look, I have a thought--

Isn’t this Patterson's case? Yes.

But I was first on the scene and I have an interest.

- I thought you were off homicide? - I am.

But there’s a chance this is an animal attack.

Really?

Yeah. Now, look.

What am I looking at? Just-- just look.

Hoof prints.

Hoof prints.

I couldn’t get a flight out until tomorrow morning

so I’ll have an early dinner and call it a night.

What?

Well, right now I’m having a Scotch to celebrate the deal.

Good.

Right. Okay, I’ll see you in the office on Thursday.

Fine. Good-bye.

Hi.

Can I buy you a drink?

I bet I know what you want.

A cosmopolitan.

Am I right?

Yes!

Bartender, a cosmopolitan for the lady.

I’m only here for one night.

Can you recommend a good restaurant for dinner?

Oh, thank you, my good man.

Cheers.

So, are you here all by yourself?

Well, this is, uh-- this is my lucky day.

Would you care to join me for dinner?

I can’t believe how well this day is going.

You-- you wanna go?

Are you hungry? Uh, should we call room service?

You don’t fool around, do you?

This is definitely... my lucky day.

So this man lures a woman into his truck,

he tries to have sex with her,

she gets mad and leaves.

Then a deer comes

and stomps the man to death.

Okay, problems.

One, there’s not a deer in the world that could do that kind of damage.

Two, the something kicked the door from the inside.

And three, what happened to the girl?

She went home. How did she get home?

She disappeared. And where did the deer come from?

Maybe the girl went cold and he had a deer handy as a replacement?

It would be easier to think of this objectively if it wasn’t so damned stupid.

Maybe it was something else. Other animals have hooves.

No, trust me. Those are deer hooves.

Maybe the girl beat him to death with a deer leg.

What’s wrong?

That’s one of those sentences that you never expect to hear.

How do you think I feel saying it?

Okay, look, it’s 1:00 A.M.

We’ve been at this for hours and the best we have is murder by taxidermy.

Okay, I-- I should be home in bed.

And I should be out partying.

Right. Thanks for your time, Dana.

Not a problem. So, um--

are you gonna ask to be reassigned, or--

No. No, it was just a hunch.

No, tomorrow it’s back to dog bites and lost cats.

♪ Whoa, my, my tell me what do I see ♪

♪ A long-legged woman starin’ back at me ♪

♪ lookin’ so good I'm howlin’ at the moon tonight ♪

♪ I see heaven in her eyes and a devil’s smile ♪

♪ Come on over and dance for a while ♪

♪ Shakin’ in my boots I couldn’t move fast enough ♪

It’s right here.

See the little lady right here?

After you.

Mmm...

♪ Dun, da-na-na-na-na-na-na

Oh, wow...

Wha--?

Huh?

Oh, God!

What are you doing?

Stupid.

Oh...

Oh... Did you hear something?

No...

No, wait. I definitely heard something.

No, you didn’t. Come on, come on. Let’s get in the truck.

There you go.

Okay.

There it is again.

It’s over there.

Retarded.

Come here.

Ooh, hey...

did you hear something?

No.

Come! Okay.

Hey... What?

I didn’t leave the door unlocked.

Oh, no!

Fuck...

Can I help you?

Yo, Dwight! Yeah, yeah. Yes?

What? What is it?

I just thought you should know they found another one of those things.

Pardon me, "things"?

Another one of those hamburger things,

you know, trampled to death?

They just brought in the body this morning.

I only know because Patterson was having a hissy fit about you playing with his corpse.

Hey, I didn’t play with it. Whatever, man!

Hey, tell me honestly,

why aren’t you ever doin’ anything?

Excuse me? I’ve been here for five months.

Up until yesterday, I talked to you twice.

But I see you every day.

You always sitting right there and your eyes

are always right about... there.

What’s your point, Reed?

Well, I’ve never heard of a detective

that was assigned exclusively to animal attacks.

What happened?

A lot happened.

May we delve? No.

Oh, man, you’re no fun.

That your wife? We’re separated, actually.

Shit, I’m sorry.

Don’t worry about it, man. Don’t worry about it. What are you doing right now?

Me? Um--

Botherin’ you, I guess.

I’m supposed to go to the firing range,

but I don’t have much to do--

You wanna go down to the morgue, take a look at that new cadaver?

That’s not the sort of stuff I do for fun.

No?

Christ! Start working the highway, Reed.

It’ll toughen you up to stuff like this. Same M.O., basically.

Massive blunt-force trauma, died in a state of arousal, you know the deal.

But then...

I found this...

under his fingernails.

That can’t be human hair. Yeah, it’s deer hair.

Deer hair? Yeah, it looks like it got pulled out during the struggle.

Hmm...

"Hmm"? Someone gets sliced and diced in a struggle with a deer

in a hotel room and your response is "hmm"?

He was in a hotel? That’s what it said in the file.

Then we must have witnesses saying they saw him there? Yeah, with a girl.

Do they have a description? They have three.

Dark-skinned, long, dark hair? You got it.

That’s about all they have in common.

We got three different heights, three different weights,

although they all agree she was gorgeous.

Hey... I’m starting to see what you say about those hooves.

Some big animal did a tap dance on this guy.

Any way we can tell how big the deer was?

Wait, so we’re definitely calling the perp a deer now?

A deer or a deer-type animal. Well, what about the woman?

I don’t know about the woman. I’m still thinking about the woman.

There’s no real way to call the size, at least that I know of.

But the hairs were short, which probably means it was either young or small.

Oh, no, no. There’s no way anything under 300 pounds did this to him.

I mean, this was a big guy.

It’s not like he was-- Maybe it’s strong.

Really strong. It kicked the door clean off that 18-wheeler.

So, wait-- the girl smuggles the deer in the room under her coat?

Stop with the girl. We’re not thinking about the girl yet. We’re still on the weapon.

Weapon? Man, I thought we agreed on an animal attack?

Yeah, well...

You got another one of those messy ones, Dana.

Oh... uh... hello, Faraday.

So soon?

Just in. I brought it into Room One, but they said you were handling this.

Great.

Don’t feel bad. I’m still the "weird calls" guy.

What? So you’re not going to say hello to me?

I said "hello." You should say hello back.

I don’t even know your name.

I’m Bill.

And you still should have said hello.

But I didn’t-- When did this one arrive?

About 15 minutes ago.

There’s still officers on scene,

but Patterson had the coroner take the body away ’cause there was a crowd.

They’re still having trouble finding one of his arms.

That’s creepy.

You’re driving.

What the fuck?

At least we found the arm.

Oh, boys!

Fuches, what’s up? What are you doin’ here? This is me and Patterson’s gig.

Calm down. We’re just checking it out. No, you’re not. Get out!

Where’d they find the body? I’m not tellin' you.

Find your own way around.

Dwight...

on the roof.

Ooh, first names.

Faraday, what the hell are you doin’ here?

Just lookin’ around. You just wanderin’ from crime scene to crime scene these days?

Calm down, man.

He just ambles in here, I’m supposed to calm--

Come to think of it, who the hell are you?

Excuse me. I’m Officer Reed.

Reed? Didn’t I see your name on Street Beat?

What are you doing loitering around my-- Detective Faraday has

just as much of a right to be here as you.

He had the first one of these-- these things.

Murders. Have you seen the bodies? You think a human did that?

What would you prefer me to think it wa--

Faraday, what the fuck are you doin’?

Get off my roof!

Just make sure you get that guy’s...

Good night, ladies. Drive safely. Shut up, Fuches.

I can drop you off before I turn the car in. No, thanks.

I live about a mile from here. I’ll walk.

You sure? It’ll do me good, clear my head.

Okay, get some sleep. You too.

No, now I’m definitely losing it.

Give me your wallet, asshole, and I won’t cut you!

Okay, okay, okay.

Motherfucker! You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack!

Please, mister, don’t shoot me! Don’t shoot you?

Don’t you know better than to mug a policeman? You don’t look like a cop.

I was gonna call backup and have you booked, but you know what?

What?

Ow!

You fucking stabbed me!

Don’t pull it out!

There’s a hospital four blocks from here. Have the doctors remove it.

And when that arm heals up, get a job and stay off the goddamn street!

What the fuck was that?

All I’m saying is that we cannot rule out an animal attack.

Weren’t you saying this was a sexual assault homicide?

Yes, that’s true too. Maybe some sort of animal sexual assault. Oh, boy. Here we go.

I think your private fantasy life is beginning to interfere with your work.

Shut up, Fuches. Look, I’m being serious.

Dana in forensics says the blows are hoof-shaped.

Right, Dana. That pillar of sanity.

The blows are circular.

Hooves are ovoid. I don’t think-- Shut up, Fuches.

Murder weapon is hoof-shaped. I’ll give you that one.

But the blows hit these guys with a tremendous amount of force behind them.

For an animal of that size and strength to be hiding in a major metropolitan area

for any amount of time is, frankly, impossible.

It’s very possible! This could be an unknown animal.

Some kind of a-a mutant hoofed quadruped.

Great. We got a killer moose-man roamin’ the streets. A new kind of animal--

one that we haven’t seen before. All right! That’s enough.

In London, in 1981, a series of brutal animal attacks were linked to a freak wolf

that was gunned down in Piccadilly Circus.

I’m familiar with the case. Then what makes this so different?

Because this is not 1981. This is not London.

These men weren’t bitten or clawed or even scratched.

They were pounded into fuckin’ mincemeat.

Then how do you explain the bloody hoof prints found at the scene?

I don’t know. They're too far apart for anything I know of with hooves to have made them.

My bet is, they’re from the perp draggin’ the weapon on the ground.

That is ridiculous. The distance between the hoof prints suggests an animal moving on two legs,

a biped that was leaping or-or jumping, like a deer!

And I can’t believe you're taking this dragged weapon theory seriously!

As opposed to your minotaur theory?

Minotaur, that’s funny.

Chief, all I’m asking is the next time it happens, let me be first on the scene.

You callin’ dibs? Yeah, I’m calling dibs.

What makes you so sure there’ll be a next time? Two days, three bodies?

I doubt a killer this brutal is gonna stop without having been caught.

Oh, and you’re the one to catch him, right?

Christ, can you even do a push-up? Or shave?

Shut up, Fuches! Right.

Because I remember you being a half-decent detective at one time, you’ve got it.

Hey, come on! This is bullshit!

Deer shit. Faraday!

Just watch your back. That’s enough. It’s Faraday's case.

Yes, sir. I...can’t hear you.

Yes, sir.

Now, do either of you know anything about this guy

who claims he was attacked by a cop with a knife?

Dana has the results from the autopsy of the body on the roof.

Guess what she found. What?

Guess! How the hell am I supposed to guess?

Deer DNA.

Deer DNA? Deer DNA.

What does that mean? You’re Sherlock, man. I’m just Watson!

Right.

It’s pretty quiet around here. You wanna catch some lunch?

That new Indian casino feeds officers free.

You mean the new Native American casino, right?

They make enough money off the slots to feed a couple of brothers in blue, right?

Let’s go.

Howdy and welcome to River Rock Casino.

I’m Steve, the official greeter here at River Rock.

Say, did you hear the one about the Indian brave who went to the psychiatrist?

He said, "Doctor, I don’t know if I’m a wigwam or a tepee."

The psychiatrist replied, "Why, son, you’re Two Tents!"

Hee-hee-hee!

Yee-howdy!

Say, why not try our steak and lobster buffet?

Or dance your troubles away with the music and mirth of the Magic Toys,

now performin’ three shows nightly

in the River Rock’s spectacular Powwow Room.

Please.

Thank you.

Okay, here’s the story--

back when I was on homicide, I was partnered with a guy named Ted Neiman.

Sweet guy, smart. You know, really going places.

He started criminal justice classes because he wanted to be a crime fiction writer.

He’d sort of fallen in love with it.

Anyway, we were following up leads on this murder.

No big deal, just a drug deal thing.

Awesome! Yes! Yes!

Anyway, we found an address on this guy named Daiquon Barlow.

When we got there-- We should have radioed for backup.

But we didn’t. Ted went around the back. I went in the front.

Trouble started right away. It was crazy.

Crack addicts running every which way.

One of them decides he’s not afraid of the cops,

so he runs on me with a pistol.

Little white guy, bright red hair, you know?

Must have been around 95 pounds soaking wet.

And I don’t have my gun out.

So I’m basically running away a couple seconds so I can pull the Glock.

By then, he’d chased me into this narrow hallway.

I turned and I fired my gun three times.

One shot missed, the other two hit him here and here.

And I’m still rushing off the adrenaline,

scared to death that some junkie’s gonna jump out at me out of nowhere.

And then I saw Ted-- my partner Ted,

was lying on the floor in back of the junkie.

Both bullets went through the guy and they-- they both hit Ted.

So there was this big investigation, you know, and, uh--

for a while, a few people said that I planned it.

Right? That I’d meant to shoot Ted.

Eventually, the whole thing was dismissed as an accident,

but people don’t forget so easily.

Einhorn took me off active duty and by the time he let me come back

I was on animal attacks.

So I was pretty fucked up in the thick of it.

And I was always out of it and doped on anti-depressants.

My wife left me and I lost touch with most of my friends

and then I had this, uh,

this kind of a realization.

- An epiphany. - Yeah.

I just realized that we all have our time to make our mark on this planet, you know?

And all that I’d done with my time was...

get a decent man killed.

That’s the mark I made on the earth, so...

That’s dark.

Yeah, well...

Shit.

Well, now that we’ve had our sharing time,

let’s figure out what a deer monster has against horny men.

You know, this girl-- this girl bothers me.

Whatever’s happened to these men, it’s happened because of her.

Right.

Maybe it’s not a woman. What?

There’s this type of spider, looks just like an ant.

Builds these fake ant holes, hides, then waits for the real ants to follow him down...

and then chomp! Right.

So you’re sayin' the deer monster pretends to be a beautiful woman,

lures guys to somewhere secluded and then stomps the shit out of ’em?

I don’t know-- All right. Deer Woman.

Wait, what? You know of a deer woman?

Are you guys into stuff like that? Stuff like what?

Native American mythology. You know, the Deer Woman,

the Piasa Thunderbirds, the Rogoya?

You know, stuff like that.

Sit down. I gotta--

No, no. It’s okay, please.

Sit down. Uh, yeah, I guess I got a minute.

What you heard us talking about isn’t a legend. It's a case we’re working on.

Somebody’s killing people in the city, trampling them to death.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw that on the news.

You guys-- you guys think that’s the Deer Woman?

What is a deer woman, exactly?

Okay, here’s the story how my dad used to tell it.

When the Poncans would get together for a big social gathering,

the Deer Woman would come out of the woods and slip, unnoticed, into the party.

And she’s like, the most beautiful woman in the world,

really sexy, built like a goddess from the waist up.

But from the waist down, she’s like a deer. A deer?

Well, you know, she has deer legs.

Four legs or two? You guys can’t be serious.

We’re very serious.

Two legs.

Anyway, she comes in the party and finds a guy.

She lures him out somewhere secluded, bangs him and then tramples him to death.

That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Hey, it’s just a story.

How come no one notices she has deer legs? She keeps ’em covered up.

Why? Why does she do it? What’s her motive?

Why does everything have to have a "why" with you people?

It’s a woman with deer legs. Motive really isn’t an issue here.

Okay, how do they catch her?

What do you mean "catch her"?

How does the legend end? How do they kill the Deer Woman? They don’t.

She just kills everyone who she seduces and then she disappears back into the forest.

Right.

It’s just some silly misogynistic Poncan legend

and you two are acting like this is a serious theory in a criminal case.

Actually, it’s our only theory at the moment.

I’m going home, shower and change and get completely drunk.

What’s the matter? This case getting to you?

Look, every legend is based in fact--

Every legend is not based in fact.

If you take that attitude, we’re never gonna get anywhere.

Look, I get off soon. I’m thinking about comin' back.

Maybe hittin’ the slots. You wanna come?

Little drinking, little gambling. I don’t gamble.

Did you see how they were paying off in there?

You saw one person win. So now you’re gonna come back and play,

thinking you’re gonna win like the one person you saw win,

out of the hundreds of people in there?

That’s correct. It’s people like you that make America great.

You wanna bet?

Workin’ nights now, Faraday?

Not now, Fuches. I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you earlier.

The more I look at this case, the more it seems bizarre.

Yeah, to say the least.

Well, uh,

Have a good night.

You too.

Asshole.

Shit!

Excuse me, ma’am?

Can I get a 7 & 7 please?

Well, I don’t see why not.

$50 worth of chips, please.

Here we go, new shooter comin’ out.

Any cme, horn high/low, last chance.

Yeah! Let’s go!

Here we go.

Shit!

By the way, notes to pay.

Hey, here we go.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Should I play the seven?

Same shooter, here we go. Bets down.

Lady, you’re the boss. Here we go.

Hey!

How about that?

Here we go.

The old 11!

Yeah! That’s what I'm talkin’ about!

Yeah! Yeah!

You want me to let it ride?

Okay, the lady said let it ride!

Here we go! Come on!

The old 11!

Oh, baby! Where have you been all my life?

Oh! Whoo!

Yes! Here we go, new shooter comin’.

Oh! Lucky! How about another round?

Yeah! Yeah! For everybody!

Ohh...

Ah!

Yeah.

Ooh...

Oh! Ah...

Oh, man,

you are beautiful.

Damn it.

I’ve got to get that.

I know, baby. It’s my job. I gotta get the phone.

Cool down, baby. I’m not goin' anywhere.

Hello. That you, Reed?

Dwight?

I’ve been doing some research.

That’s good. I’ll see you tomorrow.

This has happened here before. About a hundred years ago,

11 loggers were found pulverized, they’d all been seen with a pretty woman.

Dwight, I’m a little drunk and something’s come up.

I’m thinking we should put some officers in some clubs and on the streets, you know?

I’m a little busy now.

I got a girl in here, man.

I will call you tomorrow.

Have you seen her feet? Say what?

Do you know her? Have you seen her feet?

Reed? Are you there? I’m a fuckin' idiot, Dwight.

Where’s your gun? Call backup.

Reed?

Reed!

Request backup at 3581 Maneri.

Copy that.

Fuck me!

Reed?

Reed?

Reed?

Oh, my God.

Officer down. Repeat, officer down at 3581 Maneri.

Apartment 406.

What have I done?

Oh...

Goddamn it!

Police! Police! Don’t you move!

Jesus Christ!

Animal attacks...