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1 ♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

My heart! My heart!

Everything has gone black. I'm coming to you, Sallie.

Ma! Oh, God! Oh, God. Oh, God! Hang on, Ma!

Oh, please, please, hang on!

All right, but you have to do me a favor.

To the moon, Ma.

If you wanted a favor, you could just ask.

There are only two things I look forward to each day,

and both of them involve yankin' a chain.

Has anybody seen Blanche?

She had a date last night, and this morning her bed's all made

and she's not even there.

Wait a minute. Here's our walking playground now.

Boy, it must be true love.

This guy is slowing down to 5 miles an hour.

Mornin', everybody.

Blanche, what is going on?

That guy's a little young, even for you.

What are you talkin' about?

He's a mature young man with his own business.

Now, who wants to help me pick out five magazines?

Blanche.

Please. I'm in no mood for ridicule.

I've been going through a very tough time lately.

We're concerned, Blanche. Jealous and concerned.

You haven't drowned yourself in young men since this time last year,

when you brought those twins home

from the Jimmy Smits look-alike contest.

Oh, yeah, Jorge and Esteban.

Romantic, passionate

and virtually interchangeable.

Rose is right. Every year at this time you start robbing the cra-

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

By any chance, does somebody have a birthday coming up?

All right, yes, damn it. It's almost my birthday.

And I intend to forget all about it.

And if you are indeed my friends, you will forget about it, too,

and never bring the sordid subject up again.

I know - I'm gonna give her a party!

You know, I actually feel sorry for Blanche Don't you, Ma?

Who's Ma?

Who are you?

Just ask the damn favor.

I need your help tonight for a charity.

I'm sorry, honey. I have a date.

You call that a date? Thyroid Freddie?

His eyes bug right out of his head.

He looks like he's being choked.

Now stop it. Freddie is a fine man.

When he was younger, he could've been an astronaut,

except for, well, you know, that eye thing.

I've been working for this Meals on Wheels program, and I need a driver. Please?

Oh, all right, Ma. I'll cancel Banjo Eyes.

Don't worry.

There'll be other dates, Gloria.

Ma, Gloria is my sister. I'm Dorothy.

I know. There'll be other dates for Gloria.

Yeah, I gotta agree with ya, Mrs. Ferguson.

Bobby Vinton is the king of rock-'n'-roll.

Ma, it's getting late.

Do you have to stay and visit with every one of them?

Excuse me for trying to get more involved in their lives.

That's fine, Ma, but did we really have to worm Mrs. Jenkins' dog?

Bup, bup, bup, bup. I always just leave this one outside the door.

Really? It's been that way since I took over the route.

OK.

This is Mrs. Taylor.

You'll get along with her just fine.

Two things - One, compliment her cat,

and two, Jews control the planet.

Got it.

Oh, hi, Fluffy. Lookin' good.

Ma. Ma.

He's not old.

He's a perfectly healthy young man.

Just be home before midnight, Dorothy.

Excuse me, sir. Go away.

Just a minute.

You're not old, you're not ill.

You're... no slave to fashion.

Why are you taking this food?

Well, I'm hungry and I'm on the list.

Who do you think you are?

Sergeant Zbornak, Food Police.

Now, look, I don't want any trouble.

Just hand over that turkey loaf.

No, you can't. I need this food.

Except for the carrot-raisin salad.

I've never understood carrot-raisin salad.

No, Mrs. Taylor, it's Flintstone, not Flintstein.

Lovely neighbors you got there, Mr...?

No, no, no. Get away! Go over there. Move!

OK, OK. Take it easy.

Who's the macadamia?

So, uh, how you doin' today?

Uh, look, I don't understand.

You're obviously not handicapped.

Oh, I'm just as disabled as anyone here.

I find that very hard to believe.

You don't understand.

It's just too hard out there.

I haven't been out of this apartment

in 22 years.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Enjoy your dinner.

How pathetic a person could live their life totally alone,

devoid of companionship or love.

I wish I could do something.

Start a club.

Dorothy, how'd things go tonight?

I am so happy that I volunteered for Meals on Wheels,

and I think I'm really making progress with Jimmy.

Although I could make more

if Ma would stop yelling "Boo!"

You're really taking an interest in that man.

What happened to him, anyway?

The turmoil of the '60s just got to him.

The '60s were an emotional time for all of us.

I can still see Big Daddy sitting on the porch swing,

swilling down home brew,

picking off peaceniks with his BB gun.

Oh, God, I miss that man.

Come on, honey. I'm sure Grand Dragon - I mean, uh...

Big Daddy is always with you.

Thank you. You know, I can see why your friend got disillusioned,

but I don't see why he withdrew for 22 years.

Oh, I can. It happened to me.

When Stanley walked out, I was so devastated,

I locked myself in my bedroom.

It was the one place that didn't remind me of Stan.

And I just never wanted to come out.

Fortunately, someone was there

to get me out of that room.

Thanks, Ma. Sure, Pussycat.

You know, Sophia, this birthday thing

kinda has me depressed as well.

You think you could help me, too? Sure.

No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words -

you're old, you sag, get over it.

Sophia!

So what if you knew Jesus personally?

Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.

My mistake.

I thought since you looked like Yoda, you were also wise.

Here it is.

I needed to know when Blanche's real birthday was

so I could throw her a party,

so I got copies of her birth certificate, her DMV files...

Wait a minute.

Rose, that is an invasion of privacy.

What makes you think she wants a party?

Everybody wants a party, no matter what they say.

If you think we don't need to know Blanche's real age, maybe we should -

Open the damn envelope.

I can't believe it. After all these years, we're finally gonna know.

We're gonna know the true age of Blanche Devereaux.

"Deleted by authority of the governor."

Oh, they - These are all like that.

Rose, you know what this means?

Yeah. She must have really jumped on this guy's bandwagon.

You almost got it, Rose.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Jimmy. It's me - Dorothy.

I'm fine, thanks. What's new with you?

Oh, of course. Nothing.

That's wonderful.

No, no, no, no. I'll be right over.

I have done it. A breakthrough.

Jimmy is tired of isolating.

Oh, that's great, Dorothy.

I don't think I like this whole situation, Pussycat.

Aw, come on, Ma. I'm helping.

You're not a shrink. Be careful. Don't let your ego get involved.

My ego is not involved.

Look, I'm nobody special, Ma. I'm just an average citizen.

I saw another citizen, and I reached out.

A man changed his life, and I'm just somebody who helped him do it.

Me, Dorothy Zbornak - miracle worker.

(knocking in response)

(Jimmy) Who is it?

Jimmy, open the door.

Dorothy, I'm so glad you came.

Of course I came. This is a big day for you.

It is. I can't live like this anymore.

Oh, I am so happy.

I am, too. Hey, let's celebrate.

Party time.

♪ The answer, my... friend, is blowin' in the wind ♪

Jimmy. Look, why don't we just save this

as sort of a treat for later on, hmm?

'Cause first there's something I want you to do.

I want you to step out here,

the way you do when you pick up your tray.

OK. Now take another.

Come on. Come on.

All right. Now, how about one more?

That wasn't so hard. How does it feel?

So many years inside, I forgot how much I love to travel.

You see, Jimmy, you put one foot in front of the other.

That's all it takes.

We're gonna get you out of here and to that counselor.

Oh, no, no. We're not going to any counselor.

I thought you were tired of isolating. Oh, I am.

Dorothy, you're the first person I've trusted in years,

and you're absolutely wonderful,

and I want you to live with me.

Live here?

Yeah. All this can be yours.

All this? Well, it does sweeten the pot, but...

Jimmy, I think you're missing the point.

You can name six of the Chicago Seven.

I love you. Oh, don't say that. David Dellinger.

Seven. Take me.

Look, Jimmy, I like you, but not in that way.

Oh, great.

First person I reach out to in 22 years, and then you reject me.

Jimmy... No, no, forget it. Boy, you can't trust anybody.

I thought this place wasn't gonna be my prison anymore.

I thought for a second I remembered what "happy" was.

Well, thanks, Dorothy.

I'm never gonna leave this apartment again.

"Miracle worker." I'm an idiot.

You have to stop beating yourself over the head with this.

Right. You're not the one who made him drop out

or the one who made him a recluse.

You're not the one who made him decide

to live his life behind closed doors.

You're just the one who made it stick.

Don't worry, Dorothy. Maybe Jimmy'll come around.

Oh, I wish I could believe you,

but, Rose, I have been there.

After a while you feel you're just in this gigantic black hole.

We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.

Oh, God.

On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse

where Charlie and I got our marriage license

and our permit to have kids.

Oh, it was a lovely hole.

Everybody in town would stand around and look in it.

And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capital of the world.

Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too.

Or spit and time it.

Then there was always that wise guy

who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself and...

It's official. I hate her.

Dorothy. Ma, I just want to give him a call.

Pussycat, you're out of your league.

There are some people you just can't help.

It's like the Good Lord said -

"You gotta know when to hold 'em.

Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away."

Ma, that's not the Good Lord, that's Kenny Rogers.

God, Kenny Rogers. Tomato, tomah-to.

The point is, there are others you can help.

All those people on our route - they depend on us.

You know, Ma, you're right.

I must say that helping always makes me feel better.

You wanna come, Rose? Oh, no thanks.

I have to figure out which of the traditional St. Olaf party games

to play at Blanche's party. (gasps)

Party? Is that why you've been sneaking around trying to find out my age?

A party? I forbid it!

Blanche, a party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you,

but for your friends who love you. No!

Stop being so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.

Yes, you can...

...if you eat right, exercise regularly

and live with women who look a lot older than you.

Tell me, Rose, is "Kill the Bitch"

a traditional St. Olaf party game?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ferguson.

No, I didn't happen to see Ed Sullivan last night,

but I'm sure it was a good one.

She's ready, God.

That bell is you, Fluffy.

Jimmy...

Jim--

Jimmy, I just want to make sure that you're OK.

Do I have to play hardball?

David Dellinger.

Don't do this to me.

Bobby Seale. It's getting warm in here.

Tom Hayden. Oh, God, you're good.

Abbie... OK!

Just come on in here, you. What do you want?

I don't understand you.

I see a perfectly healthy, intelligent person

living like this - alone.

I'm not alone. I've got my fish.

Fish don't reject you and fish don't judge you and fish -

You gotta feed fish.

Jimmy, you deserve more.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd found it, but you dumped me.

Boy, I'll bet you've broken hundreds of hearts in your day, huh?

Thousands?

Well, yes, I have.

I mean, wherever you go,

I bet you torment and tease and tantalize every man you meet.

You're right again.

Oh, come on, Jimmy, we're getting away from the point.

You are missing the point. You are missing life.

You are missing people.

People who are happy, people who are in love,

people who are towing my car away?

I'd loan you my Auto Club card, but it's really expired.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't help.

You need professional help. I hope someday you get it.

Don't you think I wanna go with you?

Dorothy, I look out that window,

and I see the happy couples walking by,

people walking into the supermarket.

God, you want me to get on a bus and go see a counselor?

I can't even shop for my own food.

What I wouldn't give just to make my own dinner once.

Actually, brunch is what I miss the most.

Aw, Jimmy, come on.

Let's take that extra step today

and go to that supermarket.

You won't be sorry.

Jimmy, the world is filled

with wonderful and exciting people.

I'll take your suggestion, Mrs. Taylor.

I'll play the Jackie Mason tapes at half speed,

but I really don't think I'm gonna hear anything.

I can't do it, Dorothy.

Jimmy, you've come this far.

Do I have to? Jimmy, you're at a crossroads.

The next step you take could be the most important one of your life.

Now, look, you trust me. Jimmy, make that step.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Please. Go.

(bells ringing, siren wailing)

Congratulations! You're our one-millionth customer

and winner of an all-expense paid trip to Mardi Gras!

(screaming)

Blanche, where have you been?

I've been out walking. You know what today was? It was my birthday.

Blanche... Don't start your yammering.

It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.

I did some soul-searching,

and it occurred to me that I'm a vibrant energetic woman.

I must still have some life left in me

if I can make Mel Bushman's head snap back like that.

You mean "Old Pez Head"?

You know, Rose, you were right. What's in a number?

Why, I still have my health,

I have my challenging career at the museum.

Most of all, I have you all -

my family.

All that birthday nonsense was just an exercise in vanity.

And so today, for the very first time,

Blanche Devereaux is gonna reveal

her true and accurate age.

Right after you tell me your weight.

119.

42.

Coffee? Please.

Dorothy, now calm down. Oh, Ma, how can I?

Dorothy, what's wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.

I single-handedly ruined a man's life today.

Which hand? This hand.

What difference does it make what hand? I ruined him.

(doorbell rings)

I was in over my head. I played with fire, and I lost.

Jimmy.

You forgot your sweater, Dorothy.

Come in.

How did you get here?

I walked.

Well, I'd like you to meet my roommates Rose and Blanche.

Hello. Hi. Would you like us to...?

No, no. I gotta start getting used to people.

Dorothy, you should know that when I got back to my place,

I did some thinking - actually, I did some shaking and then I did some thinking -

and I realized I was alone again.

After meeting you, I don't want to be alone anymore.

You're my friend, and if there's nice people like you out here,

maybe the world's not such a bad place. Thank you.

I know this isn't gonna be easy, but I want help.

Help and new clothes.

So, I'll go to a counselor if you'll drive me.

Drive you? Are you kidding?

I'll listen to eight-tracks with you.

'Course, we'll have to use Rose's car.

Yeah, but whatever you want, Jimmy, I'm there for you.

I'm so glad this all worked out.

Come on in here. I'll fix us some coffee.

Great idea, Blanche.

I think I can make it if I take it a little bit at a time.

(Blanche) Sure you can.

(crowd) Surprise! Ho! Ho! Ho!

I'm gonna kill you!

Rose, this is just a great party

and the perfect gift.

How'd you know what I needed?

Oh, you. Come here.