Original subtitles

Come on, Jim!

You've been taking pictures of buildings all during our trip.

Take a shot of me.

Just stand by the door.

I don't understand.

This is a deserted chapel, and somebody's holding the door!

That's good...

Oh, God!

Run! Run!

Look, it's Frankenstein!

Well? What do you think?

About what?

The film, the thing going through the door.

- Scary. - Where'd you get that?

I got it. No one else has seen it. It's an exclusive.

No, Gil, it's a phony. Those guys obviously staged the whole thing.

I'm sure to get their names in the paper. So, what's up?

You know, you better think of something better,

because you're going out on this story.

What story?

The monster story.

No, no, Mac, I don't want to go out on a monster story.

You don't want to go out?

Every time I give you a good lead, you tell me you don't want to go out.

Or if you do go out, you come back with nothing.

It's not my fault.

- And what about what you do to my stories. - What do I do?

I can't believe we're talking about this again.

I didn't want to have this conversation one more time.

That story on labor exploitation in the hemp plant.

The one you headlined: "Women Forced to Work in Rape Factory."

When that was a rope factory.

- That was a typo. - A typo?

- Besides, rape is a grabber. - He's right. It is a big grabber.

Look, didn't you hire me to raise the journalistic level of this paper?

Wrong!

I hired you to raise the vocabulary level of this paper.

I want to keep the journalistic level very low.

Why do you think I teamed you up with him?

- Hey, I'm a team player. - Mac, this is crap.

Crap? I like crap. I love crap. I need crap.

Crap is what sells newspapers.

Look around you. Crap, crap, crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap.

May I say, I have no problem with crap.

Good boy. I'll be right back.

Look, when you talk to me, don't touch me.

I don't touch you.

No? What do you call this and that and this?

I don't want you to do this. Or this. And especially this.

I don't do that.

Well, in case you think of it, I don't want you to do it.

You're going out right away.

What have we got? Planes, trains, buses. Where are we going?

Transylvania.

What am I doing here? Why am I working here?

I should be going to Moscow. I should be going to the Middle East.

Transylvania, all right!

Where is that?

I don't know. It's over there someplace.

Great, over there someplace.

- Fine. - We'll find it.

You better find it. Because I'm counting on you guys for a Frankenstein story.

I'm sorry, you're counting on us for a what story?

Frankenstein! You remember Frankenstein? Big guy...

Frankenstein. I didn't think he was still alive.

You didn't think. That's right, you didn't think.

He was never alive, schmohawk. That's the point.

That was a book. That was a movie. That wasn't real life.

And it certainly isn't the news!

Well, I think it is.

These guys are watching that monster, and they think he looks like Frankenstein.

You're giving me a headache.

Why don't you take your headache and get the hell out of here?

Only when you come back, you better come back with a story.

A town in fear, a mad scientist. Something.

Because if you guys come back with nothing,

you're both fired.

You can't fire me. I'm your son.

Prove it.

- Okay... - Here's the cassette.

Now, we're not pushing it just a little with this Frankenstein thing.

- I love to push it. - Why can't you be like him?

- I tell him... - Are you gonna come back with a story?

- Yes, Dad! - See that? Why don't you listen to him?

Listen to him.

He makes me sick.

- Documented scientists, information. - This is stupidity.

The stones at Easter Island,

- the landing strips in the Andes. - That's stupid. This fits right in.

Now, hear this, both of you.

Next week, I want a banner headline:

"Frankenstein Lives!"

I don't understand it. Rome, Paris, Vienna,

we had all that lousy weather. Look at this.

It certainly doesn't look like... what did your dad say... "a town in fear," does it?

- Transylvania is... cute. - It's cute.

Laura, don't go too far.

Hey, go play with that kid.

I don't want to play with the kid. She's not my age.

- Play with the kid. - Why should I play with...

Oh, I know why.

Excuse me.

Hi.

You know, I saw you sitting on the bus. I was gonna come back, but I...

- But you were too bashful. - That's right.

But now that we've met, I'm gaining some self-confidence.

Good! Then it will be easier for you to deal with rejection.

Laura, I told you to stay near me.

Gil, stop playing with Laura.

She's a lovely child. Is she yours?

Americans?

Welcome to Transylvania, I am Mayor Lepescu.

Enjoy our shops. Enjoy our food.

Enjoy our way of life.

And be sure you attend our annual wine festival,

- known the continent over. - Great, we can get drunk together.

- When is this wine festival? - It begins tomorrow.

And lasts, as you Americans say, until the cows go home!

- I never say that. Do you? - Never.

I say it once in awhile,

but I certainly don't say it in anything other than a whimsical way.

If you want to know my name,

- I'm Elizabeth Ellison. - Elizabeth Ellison.

I know.

Listen, Elizabeth...

I'm not staying at this hotel. I'm staying at another hotel.

Can I call you by any chance?

Would you like to do something, or would you like to go out for dinner?

I'm Jack Harrison, by the way. I'm sorry.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Look, I'll only be in town a couple of days.

So am I.

- I'm just here a couple of days too. - Mommy, where's our room?

We're going there now, honey.

- Hang on, I'm going to be right back. - Go ahead.

Hi, I'd like to ask you a question.

- This is just between you and me. - Yes, sir.

Is there anything happening around here?

I see. You want a... woman.

No, no, has there been any trouble, any strange goings on?

Strange? You are looking for something...

- kinky? - No, let me put it this way...

- I've heard stories. - Stories. About us?

No. I mean... Frankenstein.

Who?

Frankenstein. You know Frankenstein, don't you?

- Frankenstein? - Yes, the monster.

Dead Frankenstein.

- Uta? - No, no...

- Yes, Danko? - Have you seen Frankenstein lately?

Frankenstein?

I don't think so.

Oh, Mayor?

No, don't bother the mayor. Please don't.

This man is asking about Frankenstein.

Frankenstein?

Frank Sinatra. I was asking about Frank Sinatra, really.

You understand, a joke. It was just a silly joke.

I was kidding. Where have you been?

What's all this about?

Nothing. I asked the clerk a simple question.

What kind of question?

I asked about Frankenstein.

- What? - Frankenstein, okay?

I asked about Frankenstein.

- I'm sorry. - We're in town five minutes

and you ask a point-blank question like that?

- Should I have eased into it? - What do you think?

I'm sorry, I don't know.

Frankenstein!

Yeah, yeah, my friend was just kidding. It's an American joke.

- A big joke. - I know!

No, wait!

This is Transylvania.

Don't you want to ask us about...

Dracula?

I see. Okay.

Or how about the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Hey, I've got Godzilla in the back room.

I like it, that's a good one.

How about the Blob?

Hey, if I see Hitler, I'll ask him about the Blob!

You incredible asshole!

We're here five minutes and you make me the laughingstock of Transylvania.

- They laughed at me too! - Deservedly so.

Go. Bring them to me.

Thank you.

Look, there's the castle.

Doesn't it have an ominous aura about it?

An ominous aura?

Yeah.

Where's my wallet? Wallet...

May I help you?

Hi, this is Mr. Harrison. I'm Mr. Turner.

Yes, you are expected.

Get away from there. Get, get...

- Excuse me? - Get out of here.

Get away from here, you fool!

You... You stupid idiot!

No! You... You idiot!

Oh, that's good.

Ouch!

Hey, are you...

It's a good day!

Don't judge this hotel by me.

I'm just the token brute.

- Token brute? - Yeah, here.

It's good, huh? It's funny!

- It's funny. - Let's go back...

The owner would like to have you for lunch.

- Figuratively speaking. - Of course.

If you need anything, my name is Fejos.

Fejos.

I'm sorry, is that your last name?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

We don't speak...

Transylvanian. Do we have a phrase book?

- It's good... - It's good. It's very good.

He's good.

- He's good. - Well, I guess.

My friends, we are expecting you.

The mayor.

Yes! I am also the owner of the castle.

- Many hats, huh? - As you Americans say:

Nothing wrong with making a buck.

Bags.

Later we shall eat, but first, let me show you to your rooms.

- Great. - I can show them.

All right, Fejos.

Let me show you to your rooms.

Easy.

Easy!

It's good, huh?

He's got a million of them.

You're gonna love it here.

Careful!

And for you, a little orange juice.

Maybe a little blue juice, a little cran-apple juice.

- The coffee's not ready yet. - I can hold.

This is a theme hotel.

It's a little like Disneyland.

Only of course it is themed to Transylvanian lore.

When your editor wired that you were coming,

I welcomed the opportunity to show that there are no scary monsters here.

The only monster is the phone bill.

Do you expect a lot of business here?

As you Americans say, we'll have to beat them off with a rake! Radu.

Yes, master?

This is Mr. Turner.

Hello, master.

- And this is Mr. Harrison. - Hello, master.

He's a cute little fellow, isn't he?

He's part of the whole story.

That is why I have hired people like him and Fejos.

Well, they have that certain Transylvanian flair.

- We're ready for lunch, Radu. - Yes, master.

Okay, I'm busy now. I'm busy now.

Okay, I'll get ready. I need the grapefruit.

- What do you want? - The grapefruit.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

All right. I'll get it.

- We just need three. - One...

- These are good. - Three!

- Okay, fine. - Four, five, and six.

Okay, then we get the bowls.

I'll cut the grapefruit.

You don't cut anything.

- All right. I'll help you. - Okay.

What is this?

That's lemon juice for the tea.

Stay away from me.

Okay, let's see. We've got the sandwiches over there.

- We've got the butter over there. - Everything is hell in there.

- I know that. - Yes, master.

I'm not your master. You are my wife.

Right, I'm your wife, master.

Go away, Lupi. I cannot stand subordinates.

Neither can I. I'll stay away.

Did you miss me?

- Let go. - Let me help.

I said let go. Okay, take it.

- I got it. - Now what are you gonna do with it?

Hand it to you!

- What is this for? - It's for you.

You are such a lowlife...

Oh, but... hi!

- Is this right? - Don't be a noodge.

I just wanna make everything perfect for you, because you deserve it.

Once and for all, stay away from me. Don't touch me.

- Leave me alone. - Okay.

Maybe later.

I'll be nude when you come back.

Nude?

Lunch is here, masters. I prepared it all myself.

How nice.

You want cream?

- It's good. You, cream? - No, no thank you.

- Smell, it's good. - I can smell it.

- It's fresh. Smell it. - Very fresh. Take it out of there.

- No, but it smells good. - Thank you.

No cream? Sugar.

- This is good, it's nice. Smell that. - Very nice.

Smell it. It's good.

Yeah, it's good. Smell this.

Smell everything. Here.

You smell this. Smell the glass. That's good.

- You got it in your eye. - Just a little bit.

Do it again.

Phone.

Transylvania 6-5000.

Mayor, it's for you.

Hello... Phone bit me.

You hear the one about the surgeon lobotomy?

- No. The surgeon lobotomy? - Yeah.

You don't lobotomy, I don't lobotom you.

Yeah, it's funny.

You get it. You get it!

What do you want?

- I have to do my work. - Your work is my work.

- I have no time. - Your time is my time.

- I have to get the mints. - I'll get them.

- No. No. No. No. - Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

- No. - Okay.

A kiss goodbye?

I'll keep it warm for you.

- Mints, master? - No.

- Mints, master? - No thanks.

- Mints, master? - No.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid I must go into the town.

But feel free to inspect the castle.

I'm sure you will find no ghouls lurking about.

- May I suggest something? - You do suggest something. A baboon.

I'm going to start working this story. Okay? I say we go to town,

check out the local papers, hit the chapel.

Good idea. You do that and I'll stay here and look around.

One o'clock. I'm late.

Frankenstein!

Hello.

Anybody here?

These old chandeliers have a tendency to give way.

Who are you?

I'm Inspector Percek.

A better question is, what are you doing here?

- I heard they were having a novena. - A novena?

Isn't this Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?

No.

I must be in the wrong church. Excuse me.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I've been working pretty hard.

But listen, I've got some time off.

And I was wondering, could we have dinner tonight?

- I've got to... Hey, what are you doing? - Who are you talking to?

- You don't knock? - I've gotta knock?

It's impolite to walk into a person's room without knocking.

- Okay, whatever you want. - You don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry. I was interrupted by a wind.

So, what about tonight?

- Hey, what are you doing? - I knocked.

Yeah, but you didn't wait for "Who is it?"

Now I gotta wait for "Who is it?"

- How long is this gonna go on? - Please, out. Out.

Well, no, you can get a babysitter at the hotel.

No, I'm sure they have one.

Or, you know, Laura's so capable. She's very grown up.

You've got to say, "Who is it?"

Excuse me, hold on one second. All right, who is it?

- Wait until I'm outside. - Right!

Sorry. Elizabeth, you there? Hello? Hello?

- Thank you. - Why didn't you say, "Who is it?"

- I know it's you. - I'm in, I'm out.

- It's boring already. - What's the news?

- My news, in case you're interested... - Not really.

The editor of the local paper was very close...

- Did you check any of the back issues? - Yes, I don't understand this.

I'm very suspicious. There wasn't even a hint of any tourist scares.

Of course. It's a real paper. Their editor doesn't fall for stupidity,

like other people.

I did find one small item about a Dr. Malavaqua,

who lost his license to practice medicine, thank you very much.

So what? My doctor lost his license to practice medicine. There's no story.

Yeah, but maybe this Malavaqua was delving into the unknown.

Maybe he was traversing uncharted territory. Maybe...

Maybe? No, no, you've got nothing there. Don't you get that?

There's no story there. What's this maybe?

Just the same, I wanna go to the old age home.

- I want to investigate. - You want to investigate, that's great.

Just don't make up anything. Don't make up stories.

I never made up a story in my life.

Please, don't hit me. And what about your first job?

Your father told you to find people that looked like their pets?

- I did. - No, you didn't.

You found people that looked like animals and gave them pets.

- That's called initiative, what about you? - You don't know what reporting means!

- Did you check out the castle? - Yeah, Gil, there's nothing.

Just rooms. Just what I saw: Nothing.

Okay, I go to check out the chapel... Do you think this is suspicious?

The chief of police tried to kill me!

- I just came from there. - Yeah, sure, Gil.

That's what the police in this town are looking to do.

Where are you getting that from? You really are just like your father.

- Your job is writing what you see. - Don't you start about my father.

- Use what exists. - He's the one paying our checks.

He paid for us to come here. Stop it, I'm not gonna listen to this again.

You're so childish. You really are a baby.

You're sick. Come in!

- I got a message for you. - From who?

Some old gypsy man delivered it. Here.

- No, no, not now. - It's good.

- No, it's not good now. A bad time. - Why?

- Goodbye. We're busy. - No, wait. I want to show you something.

- Get out. Out! - Wait.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

It's good, huh?

- Goodbye. - What?

Goodbye.

Out!

God, that man is pathetic. What does this say?

"Laughter conceals fear. And the wheel of truth has many spokes.

The answer you seek lies with Madame Morovia."

Gypsies. Now we're getting somewhere. A touch of the old world.

Life has run its course.

But as the rain enters the sea,

so do tears surround the predestined end.

Existence is to be absconded

with eternal consciousness.

We cannot tell where the path leads, but not impossible.

Sometimes, permits itself the luxury of...

How can we truly preserve the universe beyond the sphere?

The allegory of a physical mountain for the spiritual to understand...

- Excuse me, Madame Morovia, we were... - I see a creature!

Not the one you seek.

The creature walks as a man by day.

But as the full moon rises, he becomes a wolf.

He is a werewolf.

Werewolf?

You must find him.

Destroy him! And put him out of his torment!

Why are you telling us this? Why don't you go to the police?

They laugh at me, as they laugh at you.

Where do we find this werewolf?

He goes by the name of Lawrence Malbot.

He's my son.

- You're son? - I pray that his suffering will end.

And his soul rests in eternal peace.

I sleep now.

I don't think she has any more to tell us.

Life has run its course...

This is my contribution to journalism, waiting for a werewolf.

Let's go inside and ask him some questions.

Sure, what are we gonna ask him? "How often do you shave?

Are you a loner or do you go out in a pack?"

Maybe we should wait.

Did you see that? He looked up at the full moon.

So what?

Come on.

You hear that? A wolf.

Wait. I think he stopped moving.

Who are you? Who sent you? My wife?

Oh, my God. I'm terribly sorry. We thought you were an animal.

He is.

- Come on. - Not now, Larry.

The magic has gone.

You had to shine that flashlight right on his ass.

You embarrassed the hell out of me.

Who knew we'd run right smack in the middle of it.

Do you make that much noise when you're having sex?

Who remembers? I've been here too long.

- Where are you going? - I got a lead.

Sure you do.

You just get some sleep. Tomorrow, go see that doctor.

And when you don't find anything, I'm wiring Mac

that Frankenstein doesn't live here anymore.

And get the hell out of my room.

You've got a lot of hostility, Jack.

- Can I offer you more wine? - No, no thank you.

- Okay. - So, what was I saying?

You were running away from your ex-husband, and this and that.

I wasn't really running away.

It's just that he keeps bothering me.

Yeah.

He wasn't too happy when I got custody of Laura.

I imagine.

Then he got violent.

Do you know that I had to pick up a wine bottle

and smash him over the head with it just so I could get away from him?

Bad news.

He gets me so mad.

He acts like a nut when things don't go his way.

Sounds like it.

What a lovely couple. Are you local people or just pissing through?

Me, I'm just pissing through, I think.

Well, actually, I'm from New York.

Sure, we know that one, of course. "New York," hit it boys.

Start spreading the news.

I am leaving today.

- Come on, boys, pick it up... - They have a great video of this.

- Have you seen their video? - I want to be a part of it.

New York, New York.

Oh, for crying out loud, boys...

Such a happy people with their "Jorks" and "Jorks".

But hey, enough about me.

I can't imagine what you could be investigating here.

Neither can I. No, don't... I don't want to talk about that.

No, no! Just tell me. Tell me.

Actually, I'm investigating...

Frankenstein.

I know, I know, it's my sore point.

You asked, I'm sensitive about it.

You mean, the monster who's like:

With the bolts and the elevated...

I'm gone.

Are you kidding?

Who's that? Who is it?

Who's here? Who is it?

Jack! Jack!

What? What's the matter? What happened?

I think there's something in this room.

Where? What? There's nothing in here.

I don't know. I don't know, maybe it went out the window.

Maybe.

It's morning already.

There's nothing out there.

- I don't know. - What did you see?

I'm not sure. I think it was some sort of a creature or something.

Wait a minute... Do you smell perfume?

- Yes. I know what was in this room! - What?

The creature from Estée Lauder!

- You're joking, but I'm nervous. - It's jet lag.

Go back to sleep.

The facts, Gil. The facts!

Facts...

The facts... I'm spending the night in this room.

Something's sneaking up on him. What's that? What is that?

Over here. What's that? What...

There's nothing.

He doesn't care if I live or die.

Do over here.

Now do over here.

Now do over there.

Lupi, leave me alone.

All right.

Do over here.

Now do over here.

- Lupi. - What?

I said leave me alone.

I'm helping you.

- Oh, the big lug... - Radu.

Yes, master?

- Have you seen the mayor? - Yes, master. He's at breakfast.

- Why do you call me master? - That's what you are.

- No, no, my name is Gil. Call me Gil. - I could not do that.

Sure you can. Go ahead, now try it.

Gil.

Hello, Gil.

Yes, Gil.

That's fine. Call me master.

Thank you, master.

Mr. Turner.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Egg. - Cute. No, thank you.

I sort of pack them in, as you Americans say.

Be standing in the aisles. Mayor, are we the only guests in the hotel?

Sure, yeah. These contractors.

We don't open officially yet for another month.

- Why? - I don't know.

I thought I saw someone in my room. I guess I was just dreaming.

This castle can do it to you.

The first night I slept here, I thought I saw Dracula.

That's funny.

Are you and your partner having breakfast?

No, he's still asleep. If you see him, tell him I'm going into town

- to check on some things. - Yeah, sure.

- What? - I want to show you something.

- Jeez, you scared the hell out of me. - No.

- Wait here. Here. - No, I've gotta go.

- No, wait. I want to show you. - I don't have time.

Here. Here, wait.

- Good. - See?

It's a beautiful day today.

Are you okay? What the hell?

No, I'm fine.

You. I want you to try. Here.

- No. No, I've gotta run. - You can do it.

Go, you do it.

- Let go of me. - You can do it.

Okay. We run.

- Radu. - Yes, master?

I want you to be sure no one goes in the guests' rooms.

Yes, master.

- Hi. - Yes?

I'd like to see Dr. Malavaqua.

Only relatives of the guests are allowed to visit.

I can't even see the doctor?

He only sees people by appointment.

Okay, fine. I'll make an appointment.

He's not making appointments at this time.

I see.

Okay. Thank you for your help.

Hi, ladies.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Have a nice day.

Run! Run! Look, it's Frankenstein!

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

This film must be destroyed.

Old age home, nothing.

All those disabled people. There's something going on there.

- But what? Why all that security? - Okay, okay.

I said okay, but when we see the police, you do all the talking.

Hi.

I can well understand your Frankenstein fixation.

After all, you are in Transylvania.

But, in your own country,

do you still seek to write lurid stories

about your Jesse James or your Dillinger?

- That was a long time ago. - That is my point.

The sinister image of Transylvania is our long time ago.

If you want to write about us, write about a happy Transylvania.

Our new sewer system. Our skyscraper! Six floors, you know.

Our newspaper didn't send us all this way to write about a sewer.

We can't have you bothering Dr. Malavaqua with your ludicrous questions.

He's a busy man.

Oh, really? Is that why his license was revoked?

Gentlemen, this line of inquiry is fruitless and beyond your concern.

- We must bid you good day. - What about all the people in that place?

- Come on, Gil. - What about them?

- Thank you very much. - Fine. Fine.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

You are too serious. You must learn to frolic.

Take up dance. Who knows? You could be another Gene Astaire.

Did you happen to catch the look on their faces when I mentioned Malavaqua?

Okay, so they don't want to talk about him.

They're hiding something. I don't believe that Percek.

All right. I got a few free hours. Let's go.

Where?

To see that doctor and get a second opinion.

All right.

Get down.

Get up.

Get down.

Get up.

The guard isn't here. Why'd you get down?

- I got into a rhythm. - Well, get up.

Now that's a coincidence. We just talked to Percek and the mayor about the doctor,

and the next thing we know, they're here. I'd like to know what's going on in there.

- Come on. Maybe we can get in the back. - Okay.

- What's this? - This is our chance to break in.

You climb over this gate. One arm.

If it's our chance, why am I breaking in?

- You look more like a mental case. - Very funny.

- No, I'm scared. - You want to see what's going on.

- What if this is electrified? - Here.

There, see? It's not electrified. Now climb the gate.

- What if the guard sees me? - Just go!

Okay, okay...

Patient trying to get out! There's a patient trying to get out!

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, you!

Where do you think you're going? Get back in there.

You're new here. Didn't you get your sedation today?

Later. Get back to work!

Why this renewed concern about my experimenting again?

Two reporters have been inquiring about Frankenstein's monster.

Frankenstein. That's ridiculous.

Yes. That's what I told them.

Your friend Hunyadi is the only one who might fit that bizarre description.

And you assured me that he is deceased.

May I see his file?

Certainly, Inspector Percek.

I filled out the death certificate myself.

These others...

Patrick Glenn. Odette Belo. Don Vlad.

- All dead as well? - Yes, sir.

You seem to be on a roll, Malavaqua.

I enjoy these little visits.

Then you leave me with the burdens my job can bring.

Transylvania 6-5000.

Fejos, can I please speak to Radu?

Radu!

Here.

Yes, master?

- Radu, are you alone? - Yes, master.

Please, Radu, go to the laboratory and make sure that Hunyadi is there.

- He may be on the loose again. - Yes, master.

Thank you.

Jack! I found out something. How the hell do I get out of here?

Simple, go to the front and climb over the wall. Take off the robe.

Are you crazy? The guard out front knows me.

Trust me.

Yeah, how come I always have to do the trusting.

- Are you a middle child? - Yeah.

So?

Go.

Man trying to get in! Man trying to get in!

Hey, you!

You again? I told you before you couldn't come in.

Now get out.

And stay out.

That was brilliant. But don't that to me anymore, I'm anxiety prone.

Okay, did you get anything? Or did I waste my expertise on dilly-dallying?

Listen to this. Malavaqua called that little weasel at the castle.

- Which weasel? - Radu.

He works for the doctor. They're anxious to find Hunyadi.

And get this, they're supposed to go to the lab.

Who's Hunyadi? And what lab?

I don't know, but with all this subterfuge and double-talk,

- you gotta admit we're onto something. - Maybe.

Maybe? I got a maybe out of you? Come on, let's go back to the castle and see Radu.

Okay, you go. And I'll meet you there later.

- Why aren't you going? - I'm going to a picnic.

Picnic?

It's a lady doll.

Just as I thought.

Malavaqua has played me for a fool.

Put this in my car.

Evidence.

I love you so much and anything I can ever do to help you...

Hi.

- Where is Radu? - No. No Radu.

- No Radu... - Hey.

- You come in here. - What are you doing in there?

- No, it's nice! Come in here. - Don't pull on my...

Radu?

- Boo. - Oh, my God!

- Do not be afraid. - Who's afraid?

- My name is Odette. - Great.

Listen. They are the children of the night.

- What are they doing out in the daytime? - They make beautiful music.

- Don't they? - Sound like wolves to me.

Wait a minute, have you been in my room at night?

Did you want to hurt me?

Hurt you? No.

- Bite you? Yes. - Wait a minute.

- I love you. - Great.

- I want to kiss you. - Can't we have lunch first or something?

- Put your hands on my hips. - Okay.

- Put your arms around me. - Okay.

Put your face to my breasts. Tell me you want me too.

- Speak to me, baby. - I'm trying!

- I want you so bad it hurts. - Me too.

I like that. I want to do it some more.

That hurts.

Who is it?

- I better see who it is. - Okay.

Don't come in.

Oh, come on now. Wait a minute.

Hey, it's fun.

- What are you doing here? - I'm meditating.

Did you see Dracula?

Yeah, yeah, when it first came out.

Not the movie. The person. Never mind.

No, wait! I want to show you something.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

You're insane.

You're insane...

- Radu! - Yes, master.

- Is Hunyadi in the lab? - I had no time to check.

I'm being followed master.

Radu, you're my friend for 20 years. I love you.

Please, don't call me master anymore.

- Yes, ma... - That's good.

Mister.

Well, maybe next time. Let's go.

Thank you, Radu. You're very kind.

You two are both so helpful to me.

Well, I'm all ready.

Let's get to work.

Home.

It's good to be home.

With my friends.

That stupid, pompous Percek.

He thinks I'm satisfied just playing with white mice.

Mitzy to Fritzy. Mitzy to Fritzy.

He thinks he can stifle the creative genius

of the great Victorio Malavaqua.

Mitzy, Fritzy. Mitzy, Fritzy.

Shut up, you lowlife!

- I am low. - I'm lower.

Yes.

Yes.

How dare they make fun of my father?

My father was a great scientist. He was a great man.

He devoted his whole life to trying to cure the common cold

by injecting foreign viruses.

And instead of being honored for that,

he's remembered as the man who brought herpes to Sicily.

Don't worry, Papa. My work will clear the name of Malavaqua forever!

Aren't you Hunyadi?

Where's Hunyadi?

- I do not know. - I don't know either.

I tell you two to keep an eye on him,

and he's out scaring the hell out of everybody!

It's difficult working two jobs.

Sure. It's more important to feed those pigs upstairs!

How dare they turn this magnificent castle into a haven to the lay tourist.

- I hate it! - You hate it, what?

- I hate it a lot. - You hate it a lot, what?

You hate it a lot, master.

I hate it a lot, master!

- That's better. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - You're welcome, what?

- You're welcome, master. - Shut up, you two!

You matrimonial masochists!

You found each other, but you can't find anybody else.

What the hell are you laughing at? The joke is on you, you stupid!

Get to work. This place is a mess. Clean up.

Wash up, clean the floors. I gotta work.

Where's my notes? I gotta get my notes.

Lupi, Radu. Please, don't work so hard.

Sit down. Take a rest.

This is your coffee break. Sit down, please.

Relax. Go ahead. That's nice.

Would you like some espresso?

Okay.

What are you crazy? What the hell are you doing?

Get up. When there's so much work to do, you sit down on the job.

What do you take me for, a sucker?

Odette.

Where's Odette?

Where's my Odette?

What am I running here, an outpatient clinic?

I have to let them do what they want. They are my masters.

What, is everybody your master, you cockroach?

I'm not.

Shut up! Now you're both gonna get it good. You are gonna get it good.

Wait. Wait, your favorite is still here. Believe me.

My favorite?

My favorite is here?

Quick. Quick, go check up on the animals.

I've gotta see how my experiments are coming out. Quick.

My experiments... My favorite...

Alive, alive, alive, alive...

- Dead. - I know that.

- All right. - Alive, alive, alive...

- Dead. - Alive.

- Dead. - He's alive.

Come on.

Come on.

Dead.

Seven alive, two dead.

Seven alive, two dead.

Soon you will be perfect, my favorite one.

Does this hurt?

Does this hurt?

Good. Everything hurts.

It's time to get to work.

Do you want to wait for lightning, master?

I don't work with lightning. I hate it!

I work with all this other shit.

Look, Elizabeth, we're both...

really on vacation now.

Let's look at life as adults.

We're alone

in unfamiliar territory.

Sharing the same environment.

Sharing the same air.

- Go ahead. I'm listening. - That's okay. I'll wait.

- Do you want some? - No thanks.

Jack. Jack!

Jack, I've been looking all over for you.

- Hi. - Hi.

What is it now?

Can I talk to you alone? I'm sorry.

- Oh, no. - Go ahead, Jack.

I've gotta go find Laura before she wanders too far off.

I'm sorry, Elizabeth. Thank you.

This better be good.

- Okay. - This better be good.

I was following Radu

when out of nowhere, I was accosted by a lady Dracula.

She was half-naked and she nearly swallowed my face.

- What? Is she here? - Let go of me.

Here. You know, Gil...

I don't blame you anymore. I blame myself.

I'm the one who came along on this misguided mission.

The infantile stupidity. First, the chief of police attacks you.

- He did! The thing swang by my face. - Yeah, I'm sure. It "swang" by your face.

And then we go to some phony gypsy camp.

- It's the story of your life, right? - That was a legitimate lead.

Turns us both into Peeping Toms. Then last night the Avon lady strikes.

- It's so spooky. We've got a scoop. - The minute you come in, she's gone.

- Now today, a woman eats your head. - Not "a" woman. The same woman.

- Do you want to kill me? - No, I love you, Jack.

You love me? If this is love, hate me. Because I hate your guts.

I don't hate you. What are you doing?

For 35 years, I've washed your clothes, I've listened to your stories,

- I've put up with your crap. - That's too tight.

Now that we're here, I'm going to wring your neck.

No! Elizabeth!

Laura. Laura!

Okay.

- Okay. - Get up.

You almost killed me.

- Okay. - All right.

- Fine? You okay? - I'm fine.

Okay.

- Were you angry? - Was I angry?

- Were you angry? - Was I angry?

- Yes. - No. I wasn't angry.

- Why did you do that? - Why?

- Here, look. - What are you doing? Get him off me!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura, it's your mommy.

Laura!

Jack. I can't find Laura.

- What? - What happened?

Where'd you look? Which way did she go?

Go that way. Go and find her.

- Laura! - I'm going around in a big circle.

- Laura! - Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura! Oh, my God. Where is she?

Look, this area's too much.

Elizabeth, go to town and get the police.

No, I want to stay here and look.

- No, somebody has to go for help. - Send him.

He can cover more ground than you can. Go ahead. Don't worry.

I'll find her.

Okay. But I'll be right back.

- Go that way. - Yeah.

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Help me! Help me!

Somebody help me. Help me, somebody.

Help me.

Help me! Help me. Help me. Help...

Laura!

- Jack! - Gil, where are you?

Boy, down.

Hey, can we talk? Can you talk?

The Wolfman.

Jack!

Do you believe me now?

Take me home!

It's me, you fool.

- Did you see him? - Who?

The Wolfman grabbed my friend.

- Tell it to the Marines. - No, it attacked me.

- Arrest him. - For what?

For meddling in police affairs.

Wait a minute. There's a little girl lost in these woods.

And these woods are full of God knows what.

This is getting out of control. What are we gonna do now?

Now we are going to the wine festival.

The wine festival at a time like this?

Take him away.

Hey, what are you doing? Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Inspector Percek, don't you think it's time that we alert the townspeople

to the danger surrounding us?

That's exactly what we must not do!

Did you forget when we were children,

the streets echoed with cries of "Frankenstein!"

People boarded up their homes.

Women and children were afraid to go out.

That must not happen again.

He'll be all right, master. I gave him a shot.

Why'd you bring him here?

All right, back off that growling crap!

I'm trying to listen here.

He's okay. Now why'd you bring this guy here?

I couldn't get the dude off my back.

What were you doing out there to begin with?

I was taking a whiz.

Why'd you attack that other guy?

He scared me.

He scared you!

You look like this and he's scared? Get him back in the cage,

before I send him to the pound.

Hey Doc, you know, I think I like the pound better.

You ungrateful... Come here, let me pull that thing out. Shut up.

You can't get me in here.

Dig your frizzy hairdo, Doc.

Hey, you pretzel.

Hey, Twisto, come over here.

Twisto.

How come you grabbed this reporter by the cajones?

He stepped on me.

"He stepped on me. He stepped on me."

- Come on back over here. - Shut up!

Up yours, hairy.

I'll tear every bit of hair you have out of your ass.

Now you all had your nice little excuses, and I'm the one who's in the soup.

Now what am I going to do with this meddling reporter?

Don't hurt him, please.

My bloodshot beauty speaks up.

She doesn't want me to hurt him.

What do you want? A quickie before dinner?

I want him. I need him. I love him.

I love him so much it hurts.

What do you know about love, nymphonese?

If I didn't have you chained to the wall, no man in this town would be safe.

Stop that, I'm your doctor. Get against the wall.

Now listen to me, all of you.

The police are breathing down my neck.

From now on, I don't want anybody to leave this lab. You hear? Anybody.

And you.

You infectious, incompetent bug. Do you have any idea where Hunyadi is?

- I have a hunch. - I know you've got a hunch!

But do you know where Hunyadi is?

I think he's in the abandoned stable.

Well, go find him, quick.

How long are you gonna keep me in here?

It could be... how do you Americans say?

Until the cows come home.

Sorry.

Elizabeth, what did you do?

Why'd they put you in here? Where's Laura? Where is your friend?

- Well... - Answer me!

- Okay, okay... - And where are all the police?

That I can answer. They took the night off.

- They took the night off? - Yeah.

What kind of a place is this? They should be out there looking for my daughter.

They're at the wine festival.

The wine festival.

Then I'm going there to beat a few heads.

Well, wait, wait...

Hey, I'll meet you in town.

Madame Morovia, I have to talk to you. It's urgent.

I didn't believe your story before about the Wolfman, but now I do.

When the full moon rises...

Yeah, never mind that. We followed Lawrence Malbot under the full moon,

but he turned out to be a guy making out with a girl.

That was my husband. He is a wolf.

My son is the Wolfman.

Okay, where is he? He's got my friend. There's a child missing.

The answer lies in a secret passageway under the bridge of the castle.

- Bridge. - Jump off and swim to the embankment.

There's no water under there.

Then don't jump off.

Walk under it and you will find a door.

I sleep now.

Full house.

You got him! You got him!

Shut up, I'm working.

I knew you could do it all along.

- You're under arrest. - I'll get the rope.

I feel like throwing up. I think he's throwing up.

Yuck, monster breath.

Take this, take this!

Take it again. Take it again.

- He's weakening. - Call his mother.

I got him. I got him, you big bully. Now your knees are in a lot of trouble.

- You can't punch me... - This is cow caca.

I'll get you now, you limping monster!

My glove! My glove.

- Are you alive? - I've had better days.

Move over.

Nice.

Okay.

Come on. Hold on, we've gotta hurry.

It's so good to have you back where you belong.

Look at your gears, they're completely rusted.

I've got a lot of work to do on you yet.

Yes, master. And when you finish with him, you can help me.

Me, me, me! All you ever think about is "me"!

You're right, master. I will not talk of me anymore.

How are you?

It's over.

You madman, what have you done?

Who are you and what are you doing in my laboratory?

- You killed him. - He's under sedation.

- We took a pint of blood. - AB positive.

Gil, thank God.

Okay, Malavaqua, where's the little girl?

What a story.

Story? There'll be no story until my experiments are completed.

Radu, attack.

Master, I've had enough aggravation for one day.

- I said attack! - We'll get him.

I got you now, you Communist.

My pinkie.

- Thank you. - Oh, no, no. Help!

Help!

All right. You wanna play rough? Take this.

Haven't had enough, huh? How about this one!

Where you going?

Get the girl.

Come on, come on, big guy... You no-good punk!

Never mind me. Do something about Malavaqua.

The only way to stop this madness is to get him out of the lab.

Jack, get him out! Get him out of the lab!

You rat, you're ruining my...

What? What have I done?

This is embarrassing.

Are you all right?

Who are you and would you like some espresso?

Radu, are you okay?

You son of a bitch, I'll kill you! You're not going to ruin my work!

You okay?

Are you sure you wouldn't like some espresso? I can make some... for you!

I'll kill you! I'll eat your eyeballs! You no good...

Here, undo this other belt.

- Yes. - He's too strong!

Not my pants, this belt. This belt!

Where is she, Doctor?

It was Hunyadi. But he meant her no harm.

He just found her wandering in the woods.

No harm? Her mother's in town worried sick about her.

Here she is. She's fine.

No, don't...

Please, he's too strong for you.

Wait. Wait, I know where he's going. He's taking the little girl to her mother.

We must get to town. I'll explain everything to you along the way.

Oh, yeah. I'm going into town.

I'm sleepy.

This I don't believe.

You're sitting here, guzzling wine,

while my daughter is still missing.

Miss Ellison, calm yourself. We shall look for her after the festival.

No. You get up and you look for her now.

What are you doing? What's going on? This is crazy.

Frankenstein!

The monster has returned.

She's dead!

He has my daughter.

- Laura. - Mommy.

- Baby. - Mommy.

You're all right.

Don't let that monster get away.

His enemy is fire. Light the torches.

Burn him.

Light the fire!

What are you doing? Stop! Stop!

What are you crazy? Give me that.

- Oh, my gosh. How are you? - Are you okay?

We're fine. Thank God you're here. You won't believe what's been happening.

He's Frankenstein. He must be destroyed!

He's not Frankenstein.

- He is, look at him! - No, please, everybody.

Listen to me. This is not Frankenstein.

He's one of us. That's Kurt Hunyadi.

Nonsense.

This monster is one of his experiments.

The product of a demented mind.

- That's not true. - Grab him.

He's got a demented mind, not me...

- This is a mistake. - Don't listen to him.

He's a foreigner. He knows nothing. Get him.

Come and get him.

Get back, or I'll cut you.

Back! Back!

- Get her. - Okay, come on. Come on.

You wanna eat some glass?

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Please. Please, everybody. You've all got to hear something.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Yeah, let's listen to him.

Yes, let's hear him out.

This man is Kurt Hunyadi.

After a car accident, his body was mangled and he was partially paralyzed.

But some people here in your town couldn't stand the sight of him.

So they had him transferred from intensive care

to your phony rest home.

Where I performed reconstructive surgery.

Yes, with wire and pipes and nuts and bolts.

What could I do? They take the money

that the government gives them to fix him up,

and they put it in his pocket.

Yes! Who would do such a lousy thing?

Yes, who would do that?

It was your police and your mayor.

They even ordered Dr. Malavaqua to pull the plug.

It was a compassionate decision,

but no, he wouldn't listen to me,

and look at the beast he created.

Are you going to take the word of a madman

and a fugitive from justice?

No! No!

I mean... Yes! We should take their word!

Of course not.

- Don't take my word? Is he crazy? - He gets confused.

What, are you crazy? Shut up!

There! His type has come.

More of Malavaqua's handiwork, that wolf and those creatures.

Do you want these things living in your town?

- Look at this. - Eating in your restaurants?

And what about this monster?

Wolfman!

It's not the Wolfman. This is Lawrence Malbot Jr.

That's Larry?

No, it's a monster.

Yes, it is. It is! This is Larry Malbot.

He has a rare condition called hypertrichosis.

I started growing hair. It grew and grew. It wouldn't stop growing.

I've been trying to give him electrolysis treatments. Show them.

See?

I can go to the beach now.

Yes, but you see, unfortunately, Larry's mother, Madame Morovia,

spread these lies about Larry,

because, you see, she is ashamed that he is her son.

Junior, I'm sorry.

Please, forgive me.

Ma, you stink.

It's a Mummy.

It's alive!

Radu, Lupi, quick. Come cut the bandages.

Okay, now, do you all remember Ugly Hattie?

This girl had been dipped in the ugly pond.

Do you remember how she used to look? Show them.

That's enough.

So you kept her in a coffin. Sick.

After the intensive plastic surgery,

I had to keep her in a high-oxygen environment.

But now, she's ready to come out.

- She's beautiful. - Wait.

- Wait, there's more. - I also gave her a body lift.

Bazonkers. I never counted on bazonkers.

I am so content.

You should be.

Don't look.

Very nice, indeed.

But can your cosmetic fakery deal with this?

Freak of nature.

This lowly, stooped over geek was allowed to fornicate with one of his own kind.

Just look at the offspring

created by such an ugly union.

Daddy, Mommy.

Daddy, what is he saying about me?

Now wait a minute.

You can say all you want about me, but when it comes to my son,

I draw the line.

We've taken a lot of garbage for a long time.

"Yes, master. No, master."

And we've put up with it, haven't we?

Yes, master.

We're sick and tired of it.

How dare you pick on my son.

And your wife.

And my lovely wife.

I love you.

And we deserve some respect.

Stand up straight.

Radu, Lupi, from now on, I'm going to be good to you two all the time.

No, no, just kidding. I was just kidding. I love you, I love you.

You were wonderful.

Me? If it wasn't for you, I'd be investigating

the Transylvania penal system from the inside. However...

I'm not going to be needing this anymore.

Odette? Would you come on out?

- No. - Okay, fine.

What are you doing sitting here?

- Kiss me. - No, no, wait...

Why don't you take these out first?

You know why? Because you're not a vampire.

I know. But it gets me attention.

- You don't need that kind of attention. - Yes, I do.

I'm ugly.

How can you say that? You're gorgeous.

Look at my nose.

Your nose is perfect.

I gave her a nose job.

- You are beautiful. - No, I'm not.

You are.

Let's dance. I'll lead.

Gil, I can't believe it. Look at all this.

What a story, but who the hell's gonna believe it?

They'll believe it.

My father will have a field day with these pictures!