Original subtitles

( Music playing )

( Bell dings )

They call me Ford Fairlane, Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

I have the power to get into the hottest clubs,

the hottest dressing rooms and the hottest chicks.

I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory.

Then why am I here?

Why do I wish the music industry and the rest of the globe

would just suck my dick, Tracy?

I'll tell you why.

It all started five nights ago.

I didn't know it yet,

but I was about to get a case of the Black Plague.

Not the disease that killed a billion peasants in the 1300s.

Something much scarier.

( Cheering )

- ( Crowd screaming ) - Hello, LA!

Ford: You see, this band, the Black Plague,

were considered the new kings of metal.

I thought they were just some lucky assholes from Reseda.

Anyway, tonight, this guy Bobby Black

was goin' to give the performance of his life.

♪ I said dance ♪

♪ I said prance... ♪

♪ Sleazing in like a monkey ♪

♪ That's cool, I say it's gross ♪

♪ Honey so damn f-funky ♪

♪ Dance to the rhythm ♪

♪ Jungle music rhythm ♪

♪ So primal, animal ♪

♪ Tearing down the gown ♪

♪ Striped with such a strip ♪

♪ She's a winner's rockshot ♪

♪ She don't give up, no ♪

♪ No, she don't give a shit ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ She's a rock 'n' roll junkie ♪

♪ That's how she gets her kicks ♪

♪ The way she licks her lips ♪

♪ That's how she gets her fix... ♪

( Choking )

Woman: I love you, Bobby!

Ford: I guess the poor superstar son of a bitch

wasn't that lucky after all, huh?

In the meantime, I was miles away

checking out a tip on the case of the fanatic redheaded fan.

And making my entrance was unbelievable.

( Shouting, clamoring )

- ( Gasps ) - Ford: Whoa!

Was my fly undone?

( Women gasping, exclaiming )

( Zipper unzips )

( Clicks )

Ford: I'm so "terrifical" I even had my own toll-free number.

- ( Cranks ) - Ford: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford, I gotta ask you to put that out, dude.

Nobody smokes anymore.

Thanks, man.

You son of a bitch.

Another satisfied customer.

Call me.

What goes for my sister goes double for me.

Don't you remember? The Jacuzzi? Laurel Canyon?

The Guns N' Roses video wrap party?

Oh, yeah. The twins.

But you're not, uh, identical, huh?

( Chuckles )

Hey, look. Write down my number.

- 555-6321. - Thanks.

- Got it? - Yeah, thanks.

Wait a minute. 555's not a real number.

They only use that in the movies.

No shit, honey. What do you think this is, real life?

( Laughs )

- Hey, it's Ford Fairlane. - Easy money.

Together: Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

Guy couldn't find a handle on a coffee cup.

And what are your names, Neil and Bob?

Or is that, like, what you do, huh?

- Yeah. - You guys drivin' tonight?

- Together: Yeah. - Yeah?

Why don't you take Mulholland? You'll love the curves.

Now move.

Ford: Thank God for Don Cleveland.

He was the best producer in the biz and the only guy in the industry

I could talk to without vomiting Day-Glo.

( Sighs )

I hate that Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective bullshit, you know?

I'm a professional crime-fighter.

I work for a living, you know that.

Don: What are you lookin' at?

Some redhead's been bothering that girl group, you know, the Pussycats.

Been showin' up at their concerts, saying he wants to rape and kill 'em.

And not in that order.

Hey, you're that guy. The private eye.

You're a poet and didn't know it. Oh!

So you heard that Bobby Black OD'd,

- right? - Yeah. So?

So, do you suspect foul play and stuff?

I'll let you know when somebody pays me to give a shit and stuff.

Well, my name is Melodi.

As in "A Pretty girl is like a..."

Here's my phone number.

Whatever you're doing tomorrow...

mwah... cancel.

'Kay?

Don: You got to shave

before you leave the house in a dress like that.

And I don't mean your legs.

( Laughter )

♪ Boy, whatcha gonna do? ♪

Hey, hey, you better have that Sambuca milk shake ready.

Here comes Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

Hey, Ford.

What's goin' on?

Harry, shake me.

Woman: Yeah! Woo!

I hope you like it, Ford.

( Slurps )

Precocious. "Combustionable."

Harry, not thick enough.

But you're gettin' better.

So how's Mutt and Mutt, huh?

Whoo! Whoo!

- And who's your friend? - Shh!

I'm just some guy named Sam, asswipe.

Sam. How cute.

Reminds me of that story.

"Green Eggs and Ham."

"Will you eat them in a box?

Will you eat them with a fox?"

Know the Pussycats?

Big Dr. Seuss fans.

- ( Laughs ) - Especially that lead singer.

What's her name? Uh, I'm drawin' a fuckin' blank.

( Stammering ) It's Josie.

Boss.

Wonder if this could be our guy.

Deceitful bitches.

Last dance,

Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of your life.

( Grunts )

( Yells )

Somethin' from our wine list?

( Patrons gasping, screaming )

Come on, Ford. This shit's gettin' old, man.

( Glass breaking, women screaming )

Excuse me a moment.

Ford: So many assholes.

So few bullets.

( Women gasping, screaming )

Clint Eastwood?

I fucked him. Oh!

( Snoring )

- ( Music alarm sounding ) - ( Gasps )

Oh, man.

Do my dishes!

♪ Excuse me while I kiss the sky ♪

♪ Purple haze... ♪

Ford: As if my alarm clock wasn't enough,

- it was time for my late afternoon... - ( Ringing )

...wake-up call from Jazz.

Jazz was my assistant...

- ( Music shuts off ) - Ugh! Thank God!

- Oh, no! - Hello?

Jazz on phone: Ford, it's me. Do you know what time it is?

Jazz?

Ford: ...and the only woman I treat with sensitivity.

Wonk, wonk, wonk.

You sound like Charlie Brown's friggin' teacher.

Jazz: Why are you late? Answer my question.

Why am I late? I was up all night

eating Swedish meatballs. Oh!

I'm just kiddin'. I was doin' my job.

- All right? - Jazz: That's a first.

All right. I'll be in later.

- Jazz: Okay, but don't hang up on me, because there's something...

- Where's my shoes? - Hey, girls,

- what do you need over there? - Come on.

Ford, we just needed to be held!

You got the bonus plan.

( Music resumes )

♪ No ♪

♪ Help me ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Hey! Wait! Please stop!

I'm coming!

( Snaps fingers )

Ow!

- What's goin' on, kid? - Hey, Fairlane.

You gonna find out who killed the lead singer of the Black Plague?

( Remote beeps )

Tell me, Dr. Watson...

- ( Whirring ) - ...what makes you so sure

he's just not another piece-of-shit overdose?

- Gut feeling. - Gut feeling, huh?

( Clicks )

See those chicks?

Girl Scouts. Took two boxes.

Hey, get that outta your mouth.

Don't you know those things are killers?

Don't you go to school or listen to Smokey the Bear

and all that kinda shit, huh?

- ( Remote beeps ) - ( Sam gasping )

( Sam panting )

You sick son of a bitch!

Have a Twinkie, snapper-head.

Sam: I can't breathe in here, Fairlane!

Hey, Fairlane. When are you gonna start lettin' me work with you?

Why are you always fuckin' with me?

Excuse me!

You say the f-word again, I'll bang you right the fuck out.

Do you understand me? Now get the fuck outta here.

- Sam: Fairlane? - ( Sam pounding on trunk )

I've got something serious to discuss.

Yeah, what is it? Premature ejaculation? Oh!

You know, Ford,

sometimes you can be a real dick.

"Dick." "Fuck." What kinda kid are you?

( Tires squealing )

Sam: Fairlane!

Ford: My office was at the Cross Roads Of The World.

The rent was high, but it was worth it for those chicks.

Those big, fat chicks.

♪ The say "Ole Tone, you know I love your stuff. ♪

♪ But no matter what, niggas can't get enough." ♪

- Hey, my man, Slam. - Yo, yo.

What's happenin'? Cool, cool.

Why don't you guys take it across the street to 7-Eleven?

I'm poppin' a fuckin' brain vessel.

Well, well, if your Big Gulp head producer clients

would dare to show a little brilliance,

they would sign my ass up on that Minie Ball tour

and I'd be touring all around the world

and 1990 will be a most glorious year.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, look. I'm only bullshittin'.

You know I dig the new stuff. It's fuckin' phenomenal.

( Laughing )

( Coughs )

You know, some people are claustrophobic, Fairlane.

I'm allergic, too, you know.

So don't make it out like I'm some kind of weirdo.

Besides, you can't prove shit.

Shut up, huh?

Good morning.

She says, as the clock struck 5:00.

Josie was hungry, so I sent the Pussycats down for food.

You know, they've been waiting muy long.

They're only a double platinum band, Ford.

They haven't got anything better to do, right?

All right. Silence, Jazz, our tip paid off.

It's Sam the Sleazebag. Sam the Sleazebag, Jazz.

- My assistant. - Hey, Ford. A little late, huh?

( Gasping )

I love you all.

That's him.

That's the bastard who flashed us at the Amphitheatre.

You bitches have no proof.

- ( Grunts ) - Get out!

I think I could identify it.

It looked like a dick, only smaller.

- ( Laughing ) - All right, Sam.

We're gonna let you go, okay?

- We just gotta keep the evidence. - All: What?

( Bell tolling )

( Distant rap music playing )

Now, you pay.

It's called "citizen's castration."

- ( Scissors snip ) - All: Oh!

Next time it'll be for real.

Ah!

( Crash )

You stupid Sal's-Pizza-garlic-breath-smellin'

motherfucker.

Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

( Screaming )

Take this, Ford, as payment for a job well done.

It's solid gold.

And it'll make sure you're not late for your other clients.

No, money's fine, really.

- Bye, Ford. - You're our hero.

( Laughing )

"Bye, Ford."

Let me cheer you up, Ford.

I've got the INXS payment.

Oops. There you go. G'day.

They say it's worth three grand.

( Koala muttering )

Fuckin' Australians. I hate that country.

You know, that continent, whatever the hell it is.

- Don't we do nuclear testing there? - ( Koala muttering )

What is that? Some kind of giant mouse?

Down. Down and eat. Good.

Milli Vanilli paid us off

in bicycle shorts and hair extensions.

Very scary.

( Cranks ) Rock stars.

I'm goin' outta my mind dealin' with rock stars.

I-I don't make money, I make gifts!

I mean, how am I supposed to pay taxes with bathtub compact disc players

and autographed drumsticks, you know what I'm sayin'?

I need cash, moola, wampum. Dead presidents.

Michael Jackson, Gerald Ford.

You know, I think it's all coming together for me now.

- You need money. - Come on, Jazz.

I got my balls in a bunch.

Your karate class costs money. Cavities cost money.

"Propaphylactics" cost money.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take that damn food processor

that Neil Diamond gave me, I'm gonna make koala burgers, right...

- ( Koala muttering ) - ...with koala chips and koala dip.

- That's what I think. - You're breakin' my heart, Ford.

( Cranks )

Look. I think that we've got a case

if we can make it through this cavalcade of bimbos.

Bimbo: Hi, Ford. It's Monica.

Remember me? I'm walking again.

- Call me. - ( Click )

That's bimbo number one.

Hey, cut the play-by-play, all right?

Man: Hi, is this Chevy Nova? Is this the car I wanna speak to?

Johnny Crunch here, KDRT. You know, K-DIRT, you schmuck?

You know, I'm the guy who had sex with your prom date

the very night before the prom.

And then I became the hottest deejay in the West.

Well, I got a case for you.

Now, I don't want you to come here and say,

"Well, what is it, a leather case or a vinyl case?"

No. It's a case to solve.

Come down to the station, uh, about 6:00.

Make it 6:00.

Johnny Teitelbaum, calling himself Johnny Crunch.

Knock me out, huh?

You know, we grew up together in Brooklyn.

We came out here to become rock stars.

He's lying about the prom date thing, of course.

I hope he is. I took his sister.

So you're friends with the most obnoxious asshole on the airwaves?

The king of the shock jocks?

- I'm shocked. - Yeah, don't worry about it.

He wants to see me at 6:00. What time is it?

Take this. I think you might need it.

( Telephone ringing )

- Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT. - ( Feedback )

- ( Beeping ) - That's for me.

Radio contests? Really, Ford.

How tacky.

So, what are you gonna do about this watch?

Keep it. It's your paycheck this month.

That's nice. What about last month?

Come here. Come here.

Come here. I wanna tell you somethin'.

- What? - Come here.

Huh?

( Laughs ) Huh?

Unbelievable.

Ford: When Johnny and I broke up our band,

we drifted apart.

He started hangin' out with all those

rock star hair-head types.

You know what I'm sayin', like that late Bobby Black?

And when they needed money to get high,

they would do those Rock Against Drug commercials.

You see what I'm sayin' to you?

That's what I'm sayin'. What am I sayin'?

I don't know.

Hey, Pixie.

I'm here to see Johnny Crunch.

Lucky you. Arnie.

( Grunting )

Mr. Crunch has a lot of fans who hate his guts.

Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch,

- the honesty's too much! - ( Grunts )

Sorry.

Okay, it's Johnny Crunch here.

And as always, if we call you and you answer the phone by saying,

"Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT," you could win a cool million.

At K-DIRT, we play the kinda music that your mother hates.

And I know that because right now, she's naked under the desk

- swallowing my microphone. - ( Record needle scratches )

She likes that. Oops. I broke it accidentally.

But, seriously, I make jokes about your mothers,

but I know that they're just pathetic sluts

who have no lives and have sex with midgets.

( Music playing )

Johnny Teitelbaum.

Gettin' paid to be the asshole you always were, huh?

Suzuki Samurai.

You Bensonhurst piece of shit.

Here we are still in Los Angeles,

two rock 'n' roll dicks.

Only you're the detective and I'm just a regular dick.

It was nice hearin' from you after you hit it big, you rat bastard.

I guess your arms were amputated

and you couldn't pick up a phone.

But this is not a social call.

Here, take a look at that.

Yeah. Real nice. So?

She's my daughter.

She... she calls herself Zuzu Petals.

It's the sickest thing.

You see, years ago, I was in Jersey.

I meet this girl. She's a total pig, but I fucked her.

Yeah, I heard you started dating.

Well, she gets pregnant, she has the kid,

the kid grows up, moves out here.

And, you know, typical story.

She's screwing with all the rock stars, takin' drugs.

And, uh, I lost track of her. Now I want her back.

'Cause she's my daughter, my pride and joy.

I don't take cases with foundations in bullshit, Johnny.

- They're hard to walk around in. - Okay, you found me out.

- Level with me, Johnny. - All right. She's my sister.

She's my daughter. She's my sister and my daughter.

Look at the picture and find her

and bring her back to me.

I've been told that it might be hard to pay your rent

with gold records and koala bears.

Okay?

Maybe this'll make it a little more attractive to you.

$4,000.

Zuzu Petals, huh?

Zuzu Petals.

So, I hope you...

Nah, I know you're gonna find her 'cause you're the best.

Guys like you, you do grow on trees.

You're okay, Johnny.

Here's to you.

Together: Suckin' my dick!

( Laughing )

Now, let me get outta here.

No dessert until after you finish your dinner.

Money, money, money, money, money, money...

( Gibbering )

How hard could it be to nail down one teenage blonde groupie in LA?

Johnny on radio: If there's any teenage virgins in the audience,

show up with a jar of petroleum jelly right now

and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch.

I never even liked the bastard.

2,000 private investigators in Los Angeles.

So why did I pick the music industry?

Well...

it made sense to specialize.

I could've been anything. I could've been a fisherman.

Fishermen, they get up in the morning.

They fish. They sell fish.

They smell fish.

Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne.

She smelled like fish.

- ( Gunshot on radio ) - Johnny on radio: Oh, my God!

Someone shot my engineer.

Hey! Hey!

Let... let go of the mike! What are you do...

Hey! Someone call the cops!

- Help me! - ( Tires squealing )

What are you... let go of me! Let me go!

( Tires squealing )

- ( Indistinct yelling on radio ) - ( Horns honking )

Johnny on radio: Let me go!

Ah, these LA drivers, man.

How'd they get their license?

- Johnny on radio: Help! - ( Tires squealing )

- ( Horn honks ) - ( Tires squealing )

( Tires screeching )

Johnny on radio: I'm being electrocuted!

- ( Electrical surging ) - I'm being... help me!

It hurts! Ah, it hurts!

Call the cops. Johnny's being electrocuted!

Pixie: Oh, please. He's just doing one of his stupid jokes.

Oh, fuckin' shit, my Christ!

Hey! He can't say, "Oh, fuckin' shit, my Christ" over the air.

Hey, Arnie. Your fly.

Johnny: Those are hot! They're hot!

Please! Please! I'm being electrocuted!

No! No! Ah!

( Yelling )

Johnny!

Officer: Let's get another angle on this one.

( Police radio chatter )

Ford: It was dead air for the deejay.

( Camera clicking )

Friend of yours?

Yeah.

And my client.

I could cry.

It's all right to cry, Ford. Crying's good.

Ah, shit.

How'd Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective boogie his way in here?

Anybody?

Ah, he discovered the bodies, sir. Lieutenant Amos, sir.

Oh, Fairlane, please confess.

I'll do the execution myself.

Nice tie, Lieutenant "Anus," sir.

Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?

I'm callin' you an anus, Anus. But if you prefer...

You think you're so hot 'cause you get in all the clubs, huh?

Just because you have sex with great-lookin' women?

You think you're so hot just 'cause you broke

the Ensenada tape piracy ring?

You gotta admit those are all pretty good reasons.

Get the fuck outta here, jerk-off.

Jerk-off?

You're a jerk-off. That's what I think of you.

No, that's what I call you because you are a jerk-off.

Jerk-off.

Get the fuck outta here.

Ford: I did every shit job in the biz

before I became a superhero.

Roadie, publicist,

Jimmy Osmond's bodyguard and personal secretary.

Hey, I may bitch about my job,

but a great clue can really take a nothing day

and make it seem worthwhile.

"Art Mooney."

This case is getting closed!

Amos: Ford.

What are you runnin' from?

You told me to get the fuck outta here.

Oh, if you're hiding something, oh, oh,

I'll have so much fun.

Anus, what's the bug up your ass, huh?

Why do you hate me so much?

Why do I hate you? I'll give you a fuckin' hint.

Two words. Disco Express.

Disco Express? ( Scoffs )

Are you dealin' in beads or what?

I mean, that group blew dog, you know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, Anus. They had that, uh, that...

that single, that real shitty single they wanted me to push

- during my publicist days. - "Booty Time."

Yeah, "Booty Time" with that lead singer,

the, uh, white Van McCoy look-alike with the six-inch platform shoes.

You know, the... you know, he looked like, uh...

- Like me. - Yeah.

I was gonna say it looked like shit, but...

it looked like you.

( Disco music playing )

♪ Booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Across the USA ♪

♪ Booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Across the USA ♪

♪ It's booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

Unbelievable.

I didn't think anything could cheer me up tonight, Lieutenant,

but that brilliant performance...

( Laughs )

Jerk-off.

"Booty time." Boot my balls.

Ford: I can't believe he won't be alive to piss me off.

( Sighs )

Here's to you, Johnny.

Ouch.

Hey, you. Get off my cloud.

Really.

I'm hangin' out with my best friend.

1962 Fender Stratocaster.

Original pickups, maple neck,

strung upside down for a left-handed motherfuckin' genius.

- Jimi Hendrix. - Who cares, man?

I got a case.

Yeah, what? A 12-pack?

This ain't no social call, man.

A hundred bucks to find my dad.

What? What, did he just say what I think he said?

Man, don't worry. I got a clue.

See this ring on my finger?

Well, before my old lady ran off to Baja,

she told me that my dad had this exact same ring.

- Man's voice: Yabba-dabba doo! - Holy Colonel Mustard.

Jeepers, you didn't mention the big clue.

Come on. I can't take your money.

You need it.

I don't need it that bad.

( Knocking on door )

I can't believe I took the money.

Ford Fairlane?

Yeah.

I'm Colleen Sutton.

I need your help.

I have a problem

and it pertains to the music industry.

What is it they call you?

Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective?

Please, save it.

It's too early.

You just, uh, make yourself comfortable.

- Some juice? - Please.

Sorry about the glass,

the house, and my breath.

Mr. Fairlane, I'm very rich.

The kind of rich that warps minds.

Nothing offends me.

When I was 11, I walked in on my father

and the Shetland pony he gave me for my 10th birthday.

- Does that excite you? - I don't know. I never met your father.

( Laughs )

Oh, that. Don't take it personal.

He normally gets up a half hour before I do.

You know what I'm sayin'? Come on, down, boy.

Down, Stanley.

Roseanne Barr naked.

- Gone. - ( Purring )

- Stanley? - Yeah. Stanley.

You know. Like the power drill?

I had to ask.

So tell me, who's your decorator?

Ah, some fag. Charged me up the ass, you know?

Fag? Ass?

I'm sorry, is that a joke?

Yeah, in poor taste.

Hey, personally, I got nothin' against homosexuals, you know?

I even got one of these friends, one of these, uh, "transtesticles."

( Chuckles )

Trans... testicle?

I don't have a sense of humor either.

- Sorry. - No shit.

( Jimi Hendrix music blaring )

♪ Help me, help... ♪

( Shuts off )

Well, now that we've broken the ice...

I need you to find my little sister.

- She goes by the name of Zuzu Petals. - Petals. Yeah, I know.

You want me to get her back because you don't want her to become

the biggest sleazebag slut on the Sunset Strip,

'cause she's your pride and joy.

How did you know?

Here. Take this picture.

Uh, no, thanks.

- I got my own. - Excuse me?

Let's see. You're her worried sister, right?

Yesterday, I met a worried father,

who, by the way, is about five years younger than you.

Then I capped off the evening by watching this guy

go up like a pack of firecrackers.

They write about cases like this in the private eye handbook, honey.

Somethin' about a 10-foot pole.

5,000 should satisfy any qualms you might have about my family tree.

Yeah, but for now I only get a 20, right?

Actually, you may take it all now.

Is that real money?

I got some questions.

I have no answers.

Thanks for the stain.

Find the girl.

You know, speaking of stains...

I was just discussing bleaches with my good friend Art Mooney.

Who?

( Music playing )

Zuzu Petals.

Never seen her before.

And as for who would wanna kill Johnny Crunch,

the line forms to the left.

I can tell you that he moved onto a sailboat

at the Delta Marina last week.

Thanks.

- Hey, great pipes, huh? - ( All laughing )

I've heard cats fuck with more harmony than this kid.

Tell me about it. The name's Kyle Troy.

What's with this freak of fuckin' nature?

I mean, how does Grendel Records sign such a wick-prick, huh?

But then again, Julie Grendel thinks Jethro Tull's

one of the Beverly Hillbillies.

( Laughs )

My mother always said that...

if you can't say anything nice about someone,

make sure they're out of the goddamn room.

( Chuckles )

Hello, Ford.

I'm Julian Grendel.

Julie Grendel. Right. Right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Do you realize we're gonna have to...

ship this "wick-prick" platinum

just so the teenage girls

will have a compact disc cover to get wet with.

Come on, you gotta know better than anybody that, uh,

there's a lot more to the music industry

than actual music.

You just have to learn to tune it out.

I recommend Stravinsky and Wagner.

I recommend Smith and Wesson.

I'm sorry to hear about Bobby Black.

Terrible thing.

But a great career move.

His records are really climbing the charts.

I just gotta make sure that, uh,

this Kyle Troy, is that his name?

Anyway, this Kyle Troy person is the next...

big thing.

And I was just discussing this whole Troy thing with my old buddy, uh,

Art Mooney. You know him?

Nope.

No, huh?

Don: What is this asshole smilin' about?

Sorry, uh, Ford,

I couldn't help you with your case.

Ford? Ford?

Hey, Pavarotti.

- Hey, what's the hassle? - Hassle?

Wha-what is this, I'm gonna be...

Wha-what is that shit, huh?

I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm than that.

I mean, you're killin' rockin' 'n' rapin' roll, man.

I mean, Keith Richards is rolling over in his grave.

The friggin' guy isn't even dead yet.

- You're tearin' me apart. - Hey.

Hey. No, no, no. Rest your lips.

Put down the earmuffs. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Good, good. Rock 'n' roll.

You know what rock 'n' roll is?

- What's Ford doin', man? - Come on, man.

Guys, uh, work with me, huh?

( Snapping )

♪ I got a '65 Cadillac ♪

♪ Spare tire on my back ♪

♪ Charge card to Goldblatt's ♪

♪ But I ain't got you ♪

♪ I've got women to the right of me ♪

♪ Got women to the left of me ♪

♪ I've got chicks all around me ♪

♪ But I ain't got you ♪

♪ I've got a tab at the liquor store ♪

♪ I hit the number 4-4-4 ♪

♪ I got a mojo, don't you know? ♪

♪ I'm all dressed up and no place to go ♪

- ♪ I've got women to the left of me ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ I've got women to the right of me ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ I've got chicks all around me ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But I ain't got you ♪

♪ No, I ain't got you ♪

♪ Wow ♪

- ♪ I've got a closet full of clothes ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ And no matter when it goes ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ I got a ring in my nose ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But I ain't got you ♪

- ♪ But I ain't got you ♪ - ♪ But I ain't got you ♪

♪ Yeah, I ain't got you ♪

- ♪ No, I ain't got you ♪ - ♪ No, I ain't got you. ♪

( Cheering )

Kid...

now that's rock 'n' roll, huh?

Ford: I coulda been a rock star,

if only I wasn't banned from MTV.

Hey, it's a long story.

Unfortunately, I can only do that one song.

( Ford chuckles )

Well, I can also do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon,"

but only in the nude.

It's a longer story. Oh!

You guys a band?

Sure. ( Laughs )

- Got a name? - Yeah. Pain.

( Laughs )

Pain. ( Chuckles )

Kooky.

Ford: When Don Cleveland told me

Johnny had a boat on the Delta Marina,

I forgot to ask the name of it.

I had a feeling Johnny had been hiding from someone.

So the name of the boat was gonna be something

different from his personality.

Well, maybe not.

Johnny was the only guy who could out disgust me.

When we were kids, we'd have gross-out contests.

I'd cough up a pile of phlegm on a table.

He'd say, "Nice try" and then pull out a straw.

- Ouch! - ( Toy squeaks )

( Music playing ) ♪ Hey, baby... ♪

( Squeaks )

♪ "Love Boat" ♪

♪ Takin' another run... ♪

Ford: The dumb bastard got involved

with something or someone he shouldn't have.

"Collie and me."

Ford: I'm a big Lassie fan,

so I figured I'd take a break.

I hope it's the one where... yow!

I'm a... I'm a... I'm a pit bull! I'm a pit bull.

I'm a bad pit bull. Where's my Queen Colleen?

( Panting )

Queen Collie's here.

What is this, the Rob Lowe channel?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes. - Oh, what a cute little doggie.

"I'm very rich. Nothing offends me."

Come on. Nothing? No shit, honey.

You got a whip stickin' out of your ass and a guy that's fuckin' barkin'.

Bad dog. Bad dog. Down. Down.

Sit.

( Sighs )

Ford: Why was Colleen so interested in Johnny?

Maybe they had the same tastes in antiques.

Hello, hello.

( Laughs )

You're 10 seconds from the most embarrassing moment

of your fuckin' life.

( Chuckles maniacally )

Fuck!

Ah!

- Ah! - ( Maniacal chuckle )

( Grunting )

Ford: I felt like I'd just played water polo in a urine tank.

Who was that smiling snapper-head?

Why was he tryin' to scare me off the case?

And who's he workin' for?

More important, I got a school of guppies

caught in my underwear right now.

Nobody believes me.

( Rings )

- Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT. - Yeah, Jazz.

- What's goin' on? - Bimbos and bill collectors.

- You? - Uh, took a late-night swim.

- You know what I'm sayin'? - Uh-huh, how refreshing.

Look, I got some party I want you to come to tomorrow.

It could be interesting.

It's, uh, at Colleen Sutton's Bel Air estate.

So dress nice, okay, honey?

- Okay. - Love you, baby.

( Music playing )

♪ House that rings with joy and laughter... ♪

Oh, man, do I hate the rich.

Robin Leach?

I fucked him.

Oh!

♪ Give me the simple life... ♪

Colleen: So you want off the case?

Not quite.

I've got a code, Queen Collie.

I never, ever drop a case.

Besides, I used all your money to pay my bills,

so I sort of owe you.

I don't need money.

What I need are questions answered.

Question number one.

Can I have some money?

I'm only kiddin'.

Hey, look.

Johnny Crunch was a good friend of mine.

He didn't bark like a dog for me,

however...

I wanna know why he had to die.

Look.

No one told you to solve a murder.

Just find a girl.

Excuse me a moment... honey.

Jazz, I told you to dress nice, not nice.

I mean, uh, what'd you think this was, a date?

All right, look, sweetheart.

You look beautiful.

Afterwards, I'll take you out, throw a burger down your throat...

- We'll have a great time. - You're truly a man among men.

- What do you want from me? - Look.

This Colleen Sutton chick I was just rappin' with?

She's full of surprises and full of shit, okay?

I want you to secretly keep tabs on her for me.

All right. Good.

Hey, wait. "Hors d'vors."

Snapper-head.

Hey, food boy. Where the hell are you goin'?

♪ Some like that high road, I like the low road ♪

♪ Free from the care and strife ♪

♪ Sounds corny and seedy ♪

♪ But, yes, in deedy ♪

♪ Give me the simple life... ♪

( Gasping )

Stop following me!

Excuse me, I was...

Give it up, girl.

Just take this.

I can't afford to have it right now.

( Gasps ) Whoa!

( Giggles )

( Fly buzzing )

( Gags )

Well, hello, Ford.

- I'm hip. - ( Moans )

Well, I must say, you're an island of reality

in an ocean of diarrhea.

( Gulps )

And it's good to see you, too, Julie.

Say hello to my assistant, Jazz.

Hi.

Ford, I think that somebody's trying to rip my company off.

I've tried the yellow pages.

Now I think it's your turn.

- ( Bell ringing ) - Shark is served.

( Guests laughing )

I guess now is a bad time to discuss it.

I'm such a big fan of shark meat.

So nice to meet you.

( Garbled speech ) Nice to meet you.

See you.

Come on, Ford.

Your shark steak, sir?

What are you looking...

what's the matter with you?

Hey, Jazz, what, do you got your panties in a bunch?

- What's goin' on? - Just shut up

and look down the back of my dress.

Whoa.

This party's pickin' up.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Where'd you get this?

It's a gift from the ice queen, Colleen.

And it's not even my birthday.

I wouldn't trust that babe as far as I could bowl her.

I found out she'd been nailin' Johnny.

Don't even ask about Zuzu Petals.

( Beeping )

"Play that funky music, white boy."

It's a computer disc.

Let me check it out.

I knew Colleen had something up her sleeve.

You did good.

Why don't you make eye contact when you say that?

I can't. That dress.

I mean, why don't we just, um...

Celebrate?

Like when we solved the Case of the Bad White Bluesman?

- Forget that, man. - Jazz...

Come here.

( Clears throat )

Maybe I should be thankful that was a foodless kiss.

Hey, look. We had such a great weekend, you know.

You had a good time, I had a good time...

Okay. Well, why don't you just stop before you make some

crude reference to Stanley?

Hey, Stanley had a good time, too, you know?

Yeah? Well, that weekend was a mistake.

Hey, look. I'm sorry that I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs.

I mean, who did all the work in bed?

( Gasps )

Oh.

- Oh, come... Jazz! - ( Groans )

What'd I say? Come on.

Chicks.

Ford: Some people play hard to get.

I play hard to want.

I'd always loved Jazz,

'cause she despised me for who I truly am.

It's like that time we were at her parents' wedding anniversary

and I told that joke,

"What's the definition of vagina?"

"The box a penis comes in." Oh!

I was stuck with a case where Zuzu Petals and Art Mooney

were battling out for the "Lamest Clue of My Career" award.

It's just me and you tonight, honey.

( Muttering )

What are you doin'?

Look at the mess you're makin', huh?

Who's gonna clean that up?

( Muttering )

( Intro music plays on TV )

Hi, I'm Kurt Loder and this is MTV News.

Police now say that Black Plague singer Bobby Black

was not the victim of a drug overdose as it was at first suspected.

Police say they have no suspects yet and they're asking all Black Plague fans

not to show up at the funeral tonight, which, by the way,

will be held at the Hollywood Cemetery at midnight.

Right now, as a tribute, here's the last video by Bobby Black.

( Rock music playing )

♪ I said dance ♪

♪ I said prance ♪

♪ Sleazing in like a monkey ♪

♪ That's cool ♪

♪ I say it's gross ♪

♪ Honey so damn f-funky ♪

♪ Dance to the rhythm ♪

♪ Jungle music rhythm ♪

♪ - So primal... ♪ - Would you look at that.

♪ Don't give up, no ♪

♪ No, she don't give a shit... ♪

( Cheering )

Ford: So Zuzu Petals was a groupie of Bobby Black's.

What did Bobby's friends Johnny and Colleen want from her?

I'd hoped to find out at Bobby's funeral,

'cause this case was getting closed.

All right. That's 100 each.

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

We got four tickets tonight. All right, get in there.

Got those Plague invites here.

( Engine revving )

Scalpin' at a funeral.

- You're a pretty sleazy guy. - Thanks. You interested?

It's festival seating, so you gotta...

- How much? - 300.

300? You charged the chicks one.

Hey, they blew me.

300 comin' up.

Jeez. Am I the only one that paid full price?

Ever see this chick before?

Ever see this chick?

He was so good.

He was one of the greats.

You ever see this chick around?

Is this a trick question?

Zuzu Petals?

Zuzu Petals? Yes!

Who killed Bobby Black? Who killed Johnny Crunch?

Who's Art Mooney?

- Talk to me. - I don't know.

- Talk to me! - I-I-I am so scared!

Help me.

Hey, baby. A simple thank you would suffice.

- "Fluck" you! - Oh!

Oh, "fluck!" "Fluck!"

Stanley, talk to me!

Hello, hello.

- Ugh. - ( Screams )

( Screaming )

- Ah! - ( Grunts )

Damn!

( Cell phone ringing )

Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT.

Man: Hello, hello.

( Maniacal chuckles )

Radio contests, Ford.

( Laughs ) Come on, man.

Hey. Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Why don't you come back here, you chickenshit, huh?

Oh, Ford. I wouldn't leave without sayin' goodbye.

- Man: Watch out! Get outta the way. - ( Woman screaming )

God, I love this job.

And I thought all we got was a good dental plan.

- ( Tires squealing ) - Hey!

He took Lydia!

Ah!

Mom.

( Women screaming )

( Laughing )

You ain't smilin' no more, asshole.

Oh, but I am, Ford.

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, thanks.

I've got "me" own.

( Laughs )

Ah!

( Cell phone ringing )

Fuck you, you dirtbag sack of shit!

And a good evening to you, too, kind sir.

Sorry to interrupt. Just thought you might like to know

that the CD is coming up worthless.

And I also found out why Colleen Sutton is so damn rich.

Besides the Sutton estate,

she also gets a little additional green a la alimony from...

dramatic pause...

your pal Julian Grendel.

- Her ex-husband. - Yeah, that explains a lot, Jazz,

but, uh, this isn't the greatest time to talk.

You're with one of your bimbos, aren't you?

It's a little more complicated than that, Jazz.

- ( Incoming call signal beeps ) - Wait. Hold on. I got another call.

Hold on.

Yeah, hello? Smiley?

Look. I'm sorry. That was my assistant.

Your assistant is quite special.

I look forward to raping her at your funeral.

Ugh!

Wait. Hold on, Smiley.

Come on, get. On second thought...

I'm only kidding. Come here. Come here.

Damn, baby.

I hope you filled out some organ donor cards.

Excuse me. Excuse me, driver? Driver?

Hi. Um, now, I know this is, like, a car chase,

but I have got to go wee-wee.

So if we could just pull over, it'd be great, at any...

( Gasps ) Ah!

Hang on, baby, here we go.

( Screaming )

Come on. Come on, Smiley.

Women: Bobby!

That's Bobby! Ha! Hi, sweetheart!

Shit!

Ah!

( Tires screech )

( Sighs )

Boy.

You morticians really know how to party.

Ah!

( Sighs )

( Straining )

( Gasps )

- Are you mad? - No, I'm ecstatic!

Get outta the car!

( Sirens blaring )

( Crash )

I can't believe anybody could have so much fuckin' fun

at a funeral, Fairlane.

You do bar mitzvahs?

The son of a bitch you want is in this limo.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

You know, I really wish I could get mad at you, Ford,

but guess who just found out who killed

Bobby Black and Johnny Crunch?

Some psycho groupie killer.

I got an anonymous letter, said she killed the both of them.

I hate to interrupt, but I think you spent

too much time in the discos during the '70s.

The Village People rotted your brain.

See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me

and a piece of spam like you.

Spam.

You're a piece of spam.

That's what I think of you.

No, I call you a piece of spam 'cause that's what you are.

Spam.

See, you look at this picture, all you see is the beauty.

I see the beast.

Detective: Uh, Lieutenant?

Yeah, there's no one in the limo, sir.

Together: What?

All right, I'll talk to you later.

But I'll tell you somethin', don't try finding this girl on your own.

Trust me on this one. This broad is lethal.

Yeah. Whatever you say, boss.

You could get cream to, uh, try to kill whatever that is down there.

Ford: Keeping Zuzu away from the disco duck wasn't too fuckin' hard.

But I'd have to wait to interrogate her.

Colleen's on a revenge trip against her ex-husband.

Julian Grendel told me his company's been gettin' ripped off.

Makes total sense.

Bobby and his friend, Colleen's lover Johnny Crunch,

find out about her little scheme.

She has 'em killed.

If that's so, who the hell are you?

Zuzu Petals.

Don't talk to me anymore.

Yum, yum, TV.

Ford: Talking to Zuzu was like masturbating with a cheese grater.

Slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Zuzu!

- Ugh! - Zuzu?

Zuzu. Zuzu.

What the hell happened? Come on, honey.

Oh, I'm so sorry about everything I said.

Come on, just be all right. Come on, talk to me, honey.

Come on. That's it. Keep chewing.

( Moaning )

- That's it. - "Fluck."

Great video, huh?

( Sighs ) Are you okay?

Okay? I just blew up.

But I feel orgasmic.

My guitar.

My Axe.

My Axe!

Colleen fuckin' Sutton.

I knew it!

Ford? You got something cooking in the microwave?

Get out!

- Get out! - What? Oh, wait, wait.

- My purse. - "Wait, my purse"?

Get outta here! Come on!

Jump, nitwit!

( Beep )

Well, maybe it was just a pot pie.

( Explosion )

I guess not.

I tried to stop him, man. I'm sorry.

Hey, hey.

Hey, who did this to you?

These two guys in real long cowboy coats

and real nice suits.

I think Armani.

They were goin' through your stuff with screwdrivers and shit, man.

I did what you would've done.

Yeah, run to the nearest phone and call the cops.

Fuck that. I mean, the heck with that.

I kicked their ass. I tried.

There were two of 'em, you know.

All right. Let's go to the hospital.

- I tried to help you. - Hey, I appreciate it.

Hey, where's my dad? Have you even looked for him yet?

- I've got some leads. - You're a liar, man.

You don't care. You don't care about nothin'.

Wh-where're you goin'?

Oh, he seems nice.

Shut up. Just... just shut up.

Ford? Bad news.

I chipped a nail.

Hey, the boys in the garage brought my baby back.

- ( Beeps ) - ( Explosion )

- Whoa! - Oh, my God!

( Big rig horn honking )

Why the music industry?

Why not "Ford Fairlane, the Fisherman's Detective," huh?

Wouldn't that be great? How tough could the cases be?

"Hey, Ford. Somebody switched the lures in my fuckin' tackle box."

"Hey, Ford. Somebody sabotaged my bait."

- Okay. Here comes... - All right.

- All right. - Ah, ha-ha!

- Hey. You need a lift? - Both: Yeah.

- ( Tires squealing ) - Together: Fuck you!

- ( Laughing ) - Motherfucker!

( Tires screeching )

Hi, private-eye guy!

Remember me, Melodi?

Ugh, wow. Hiding out from cold-blooded killers.

- ( Girls giggling ) - The sisters are going to die.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Rock the cradle of love ♪

♪ Rock the cradle of love... ♪

So, this is my sorority.

I think you'll really like the girls.

♪ Don't rock easily, it's true ♪

♪ Well, rock the cradle of love ♪

♪ I rocked the cradle of love ♪

♪ Yes, the cradle of love ♪

♪ Don't rock easily, it's true ♪

♪ Well, now ♪

♪ It burned like a ball on fire ♪

♪ When the rebel took a little child bride ♪

♪ To tease, yeah ♪

♪ So go easy, yeah ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ 'Cause love cuts a million ways ♪

♪ Shakes that devil when he misbehaves ♪

♪ I ain't nobody's fool ♪

♪ Oh, shake it up ♪

♪ Whatever I do, ow! ♪

♪ Rock the cradle of love... ♪

Hey, troops.

Here's that rock 'n' roll detective I told you about.

( Music stops )

Oh!

Hi.

( Stammers )

Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know?

( Phone ringing )

- Ford Fairlane. - Hey, Jazz.

Ford?

You would not believe what I went through today.

Colleen's thugs tried to kill me. You believe that?

They left her hat as a goodbye kiss. You know?

I'm calling from the Ai Eta Pi sorority house, huh?

Mm, mmm.

They blew up my house, my car...

And let me tell you something.

My koala bear is not in such great shape either.

- You know? - That's too bad.

"That's too bad." "That's too bad," she tells me.

"That's too bad." That's all you can say?

Yes, Ford.

- That's about all I can say. - All right, well, look.

Stop playing games over there and come here.

- I gotta see you. - ( Receiver clicks, dial tone drones )

So anyway, Springsteen says to Madonna,

"Who could fuck in this weather?"

- Oh! - ( Laughter )

Does Van Halen sleep in the nude?

Does Debbie Gibson sleep with Van Halen?

- Rub my neck, huh? - Is Sting really an asshole?

If Axl Rose was reincarnated as a black woman,

would it be Jody Watley or Aretha?

Sisters, sisters, would you chill out?

Give Ford a break.

What do you say we induct him as an honorary member?

All: Yeah!

If either one of you ever has a son,

I hope his dog dies.

You really shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, it's a tough business.

( Both laugh )

- Bye-bye. - See ya.

Together: One and two...

Three.

( Both laugh, whoop )

All: Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Quantus, Jujube, Salcedo, Ford Fairlane.

Everybody blow!

- What happened? - Hey, where are you going?

Move!

- Ah! - Oh, God! My bike!

- Hey! - Come on!

- Oh, shit! - Jeez!

Come on. It's cut-our-losses time, man.

( Explosion )

Fraternity member: Oh, man, look at that!

God damn!

Dudes, they executed my Vette.

Need a... lift?

- ( Chuckles ) - ( Jazz moaning )

Jazz!

- What happened? - Why do you have to have

an office on the second floor?

- I came to warn you. - I'll fuckin' kill them.

- Are you okay, huh? - Yes.

You all right?

They tried to get this worthless CD from me,

but I had it hidden in a special place.

Once again, I came through.

- Damn red-numbered bullshit CD. - Look, look, I have one.

Bobby gave it to me the night that he passed away.

It's... it's good. It's really avant-garde.

You know, you can dance to it. Does yours go like...

( Buzzing, screeching )

Zuzu?

Yeah, right. Birdbrain? Shut up, would you, please?

Melodi, I want you to take Jazz to the hospital, okay?

Jazz: Wait a second. I wanna see if this one's

better than the last one.

Hey, look. I don't need no CD to tell me Colleen Sutton's

behind this whole thing, all right?

- Let's go. - Come on.

I'll be at Julie Grendel's.

I wanna see if he knows what a whore thief

his ex-piece-of-shit wife is.

Come on, move. Come on, would you, please?

Stupid!

Why have you come to my planet, huh?

You're pure scum.

( Laughs )

- Colleen, you're a drag. - ( Door opens )

Julie, baby! What's goin' on, huh?

Queen Colleen.

You're here just in time to see me do what I refer to

as solving the case.

It's cute. I think you'll like it.

Colleen here's been ripping off her ex-husband here's company.

And she's been murdering to keep it a secret.

That's a pretty nifty theory.

Colleen!

Colleen.

- Uh-uh, wait. My purse! - Nice purse.

- Ar... - Aardvarks?

Julian's smuggling aardvarks into the country?

Art...

Artichokes?

Art... Mooney...

stupid!

( Thud )

Thanks. I needed that.

( Screams )

You sick, confusing motherfuckers.

Gimme the three discs, Ford.

- ( Beep ) - Bobby's,

Colleen's and Johnny's.

Three CDs? Shit.

Just start torturing me, man.

I didn't even know Johnny had a disc.

I'm not in the mood for any of that, uh,

"Don't play games with me, Mr. Fairlane" bullshit.

Don't play games with me, Mr...

Did you say you don't have the d...?

( Laughs ) Torture you?

I'm not gonna torture you, Ford.

Not her, Ford, but your best friend.

A 1962 Fender Stratocaster

with original pickups and maple neck

and strung upside down for a left-handed genius Jimi Hendrix.

- That's something else entirely. - No!

Ugh!

Yeah, that's the same sound your koala bear made when we hung it.

Don't you guys think this guitar would look a lot better

with Ford's name carved in it?

Ah, come on!

- Thug: Yeah. - ( Ford grunting )

Rape!

- Come on! - Fuck.

Okay. Okay. Ugh!

( Drill motor revving )

Okay. Okay!

Oh, you guys are tough.

Okay, you got me.

All right, I got your discs, asshole.

They're in a very safe place with instructions

that they be sent directly to the police

if I don't make the call by 7:00.

So, if you'll excuse us...

Well, it's 7:30, Ford.

You really should get a watch.

( Laughs )

Ford, Ford, Ford.

How 'bout a last drink? I'm running a little late.

We're giving a party tonight at the club

to introduce Kyle Troy to the world.

Everyone in the industry's gonna be there,

including our friend Don Cleveland.

Oh, yeah? What about Don?

Well, before Kyle Troy does his first set,

Don will have his head blown off.

Next week, the newspapers will reveal

that Don was partners with Bobby, Collie, and Johnny

in the Grendel Records scam.

And he killed 'em to pay off some debt to the...

to the mob or something lame like that.

And then he got iced.

It's a lot more tasteful than it sounds.

You know,

I cannot believe that you guys

actually hung a koala bear.

I mean, that is just so graphic.

You know, I am still in shock here.

- Is she for real? - Yeah, I'm afraid so.

- You want her? - ...but that was just a dream.

- I don't think it counts... - All: Shut up!

( Sighs )

You know, Julie, you're the goods.

And even though I might be a little perturbed

you're gonna kill me and all, I gotta salute your toughness.

Julian Grendel,

guys like you do grow on trees.

Here's to you, buddy...

suckin' my dick.

( Grunting )

Take a free shot, boss!

Sure.

- Ugh! - ( All laughing )

Ugh! Oh!

Moron.

- Zuzu? Zuzu? - ( Moaning )

You okay?

Oh, another trick question, right?

Open the window.

Shit!

- Hello? - When I say "now,"

you run for the door, okay?

( Groaning )

Kill him...

but not quickly.

Ciao, Ford.

( Cocks gun )

Ford: Anybody else in this situation would shit a Miata.

But I had a plan.

Ugh!

Not the greatest plan, but, hey,

the old "gum on the earring in the socket" trick never failed me.

I'd never even tried it.

Now!

Ugh!

- Out this way. - No. This way.

Ford: I'd blown the case wide open.

It's too bad that my clients were dead

and that I had no actual proof against Grendel.

And now I'm on top of the Capitol Records building?

So much for climbin' down the fire escape shit.

Johnny and Colleen were lucky to be dead,

barkin' together in that big chuck wagon in the sky.

At least they know who the fuck Art Mooney was.

I'm losin' my mind!

Top of the world, Ma!

( Gasps ) I left my purse.

- I... - Fuck the purse!

We're gonna die!

And you say I never take you anywhere.

Ah, shit!

( Gasps )

There is something so wrong with you.

Come on! Come on.

- ( Gasps ) - Go ahead. Come on, you can do it.

- Ugh. - You all right?

- ( Gasps ) - Come on.

It's all right. If you fall, I'll make it.

Ah! Okay.

All right.

- Move, stupid! - I made it. Okay?

Ah!

- Um, um... here. - Help.

- ( Gun fires ) - Ah! Oops!

The building is a symbol of the music industry,

a business where anything can happen.

( Crowd screams )

And usually does.

Oops.

- Bull's-eye. - Oh, ick, ick.

- What'd you throw the gun away for? - Ew.

- It was just all... - Come on.

Okay.

- ( Gasps ) - Hello, hello.

Oh! Oh, my... ah!

Ford, help!

- ( Laughing ) - Zuzu: Ah!

( Screams )

( Grunting )

Hello, hello, fuckface!

- Ugh! Ah! - Ugh!

You mother...

- Ugh! - Whoa!

Yabba-dabba doo!

- Zuzu: What? - Ford: The ring.

- What about the ring? - The kid!

- It's the kid's father. I can't. - Who do you think you are, Ford?

The tooth fairy? Kill! Kill! Kill!

It's a long story. You know the kid?

What little kid? Oh, the kid.

With the ring. The Flintstone thing.

- The nice one? - Yeah, the nice kid I hang with.

Ah!

( Screaming )

My hair. My hair.

Ah!

No! Stop!

( Grunting )

- ( Yelling ) - ( Screaming )

- Hey, Zuzu? - Huh?

Don't worry. I'll... I'll work it out.

Okay.

Excuse me while I kiss the sky!

Hey, Zuzu, I found my guitar!

( Sobbing ) I found my guitar!

It's all scratched up.

It's all scratched up, Zuzu!

Ford? I'll take her with me!

I swear I will!

Ugh! You're tearin' me apart!

I'm sorry, Jimi.

Ah!

Say hello to Liberace, asshole.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, you can do it.

Come on.

Ugh. Okay, okay.

Thanks.

'Cause, well, I mean,

I know how much that thang meant to you.

Well, hello, Mr. Tongue.

What a perv.

Yeah. You wish.

- Don't look down. - Okay.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?

Go back to Michigan, asswipe.

No, we're from Wisconsin.

Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis.

Get outta here.

( Horn honks )

How'd it go?

Did you get more proof against Colleen?

Colleen's innocent.

And dead.

Well, I figured something out.

These binary discs?

They've got hidden bits that can be revealed

when interfacing with a third CD.

Oh, Ford. Look how cute.

Your friend's got his own star.

What friend?

You know, that Art guy.

Art.

Art Mooney!

Art. Art, baby.

Art! Art!

( Laughs )

Art, baby. Third CD, anyone, huh?

( Music playing )

♪ I don't need no funky attitude ♪

♪ You spend so much time ♪

♪ Trying to be rude ♪

♪ Why the funky attitude? ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ I don't care how you're feeling ♪

♪ I don't need no funky attitude... ♪

- Hello. - Hi.

Hey.

♪ It ain't cool ♪

♪ I don't mind if you're trippin'... ♪

Julie! You sure know how it's done.

Thank you, Don. Uh, could I...

could I talk to you in private a moment?

B-I-N-G-O

and Bingo was his name-o.

Excuse me, but all I see

is a condom factory in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Now what...

I believe the word you're looking for is "proof."

It's a front for a pirate disc operation.

Grendel's secretly counterfeiting his own company stock.

We're dealin' with a very sick puppy here.

Oh, my God. The door's locked.

- We're gonna have to crawl down. - No.

I knew it. I knew it.

Psych.

Moron.

Julian: What can I say, Don? You're a great producer.

You're a great friend.

I'm gonna miss you.

What can I tell you? It's business.

With friends like you, who needs "enemas"?

Dump the body in, shall we say,

Chinatown.

Ah!

( Tires screech )

Ford: Hey, Don.

How's the high blood pressure?

Nothin' like waitin' until the last minute, Ford.

Can somebody tell me what the fuck is going on, like, slowly?

You see, it all started

with this condom factory...

I'll write you a letter. Come on.

All right.

You threw me through a plate-glass window.

And I just hit you with my car.

So, I think that made for a fair fight, huh?

Ugh! Maybe not.

( Girls cheering )

The truth is,

there's a lot of love in this room tonight.

But I, uh...

I've, uh... I've... I've talked long enough.

( Crowd moans )

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

I'd like you to meet the voice of the '90s.

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle Troy.

- ( Cheers, whistles ) - ( Music playing )

( Coughing )

- ( Crunch ) - Ow! Shithead.

( Sighs )

I used to be just like you.

Abusing women to hide my emotional insecurities.

Ugh!

You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of your life.

Sam the Sleazebag to the rescue.

( Fans cheering )

You said somethin' about three CDs?

Uh, Ford...

I'll... I'll do, uh...

I'll do anything, man. I mean, we don't...

Ugh!

And may I suggest for dessert...

the copies I made?

- Fuck me. - Yeah, maybe later.

But first, why don't you tell me why you're rippin' your company off?

I read "Billboard."

I couldn't believe how much Grendel Records made

and how little Julie Grendel got.

It's amazing how much you gotta pay

the actual artists who create the music, huh?

( Laughs )

Those ingrate bastards really take a bite.

Look, Bobby Black found out about

your little African bogus disc company.

Stole your computer records.

- ( Squeaks ) - Ford: Wanna tell me about it?

Julian: Bobby was stupid. He got angry.

His friend Johnny was more stupid.

He got greedy, tried to blackmail me.

Me! Colleen knew better.

She knew what a monster I could be.

Poor Colleen just wanted no one to get hurt.

That's why I waited so long to kill her.

Face it.

Making money is the only art form left open to innovation.

Anybody that tells you they're in this industry 'cause they like music

is a lying, pathetic piece of shit!

( Crowd gasps )

Julian: Or a total idiot like this Kyle Toy, or Troy,

or whatever the hell his name is.

I've since dedicated my life to making sure

that this industry is so disgusting...

- ( Crowd booing ) - ...so sleazy and so corrupt

it would have to self-destruct.

Two Sambuca milkshakes.

I even pissed in the punchbowl.

( Gagging, spitting )

You're a hell of a guy. You know that, Julie?

Since you're on a roll, uh,

anything else you wanna talk about?

Why? You, uh, you hiding a mike or something?

No. I am. Hah!

You little bitch.

( Singing ) ♪ Why do birds... ♪

- Hey! - Ugh!

♪ On the day that you were born ♪

♪ The angels got together ♪

- ♪ And decided... ♪ - ( Grunting )

- ( Screaming ) - ( Microphone feedback )

( Screaming )

Well, Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

- You're out of the business. - Ford!

Shake me, Jazz.

( Crowd gasps )

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," baby.

( Cranks )

You're fired, Julie.

Ah!

Ford.

Look. Look who I found. It's Damion Flemm.

He loves me, and he's taking me to Japan.

You realize it's Disco Appreciation Night at the Coconut Teaser.

The one night of the year.

Sorry, sir, but we got a report that this psycho-killer groupie was here.

- Take good care of her. - That shouldn't be too hard.

Yeah, sure.

There she is with Fairlane.

Harboring a fugitive, Ford?

You're goin' down.

Sexual favors won't help, baby.

( Singing ) ♪ 'Cause it's booty time, booty... ♪

- ( Crowd gasps ) - Ugh!

( High-pitched voice ) ♪ Booty time, booty time... ♪

Happy viewing.

Jerk-off.

What'd you say?

I didn't say nothin', man.

Shit, man. You're the lead singer of Disco Express.

"Booty Time" is the only white disco song

as far as I'm concerned.

Hey, there's a lot more where that came from, man.

I'm listenin'.

♪ Booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Across the USA ♪

♪ Booty time, booty time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Ford, isn't Sam great?

- Do you wanna come out with us? - I can't.

- Anybody see my assistant, Jazz? - She left.

Said something about you being a real asshole.

Right, right.

That sounds right.

♪ After all the jacks are in their boxes... ♪

Ford: Jazz is gone and I got the blues.

A lot of fuckin' things are gone and I got the blues.

I'll tell ya,

bein' an ultracool rock 'n' roll superhero...

it sounded a lot better in the brochure.

I can't believe it took a bunch of phony CDs

to make me lose all my self-worth and shit.

I was just gonna take a nice long...

- ( Click ) - ...nap.

Hello, hello.

I don't believe this.

Why did I pause before I pushed you, huh?

You know, if you weren't that kid's father...

What are you talking about?

- The ring, man. - What about it?

I stole it.

( Maniacal chuckle )

From some idiot in Fresno

that I strangled last year.

Perfect end to a perfect evening, huh?

Un-fuckin'-believable.

I mean, I start by havin' my koala bear hung

and my house and car blown up.

But that was just the beginning of the evening.

We were just gettin' started, right?

Then I get to climb down from the Capitol Records building.

Great exercise. I recommend it.

And then my guitar, my Axe...

the one thing I love, right... next to Stanley...

is now toothpicks for the Hollywood homeless.

And then after I torch your boss,

my girlfriend leaves me.

She leaves me, right? Terrific.

And now, now I get to die.

You're breakin' me heart.

What's the point?

The point is I wanna go out man-to-man.

Just me and you.

Put down the gun, let's go at it.

Come on, you fuckin' sissy.

What are you, afraid of me? Come on, mano to mano.

Fisticuffs, baby.

Let's go at it, just you and me. No one's around.

Come on, I fuckin' had it. Let's go!

( Thud )

All right.

Any way you want it.

( Laughs )

You crack me up, you know that?

What kind of idiot throws his gun down?

I mean, use your head.

I mean, is there somethin' wrong with you or what?

I mean, look... look what you did.

Thanks for workin'.

Thanks for bein' a jerk-off.

I mean, man-to-man, mano to mano.

What the hell does "mano to mano" mean?

Use your head.

Snapper-head.

Ford: So here I am.

The bad guys are dead,

my life's ruined,

and the case is closed.

Hey, what else can I say?

At least things can't get any more depressin'.

So, did you find my dad?

Ford: Un-fuckin'-believable.

I got some good news

and I got some bad news.

The good news is I found him.

The bad news...

it's me.

What kind of sentimental bullshit is this?

Hey, a guy tries to make a commitment,

I gotta eat shit?

Well, just tell me who my real father is.

He died. No bullshit.

But he loved you a lot and he wants me to take care of you.

Come on, put it there.

That's it.

I mean,

I got a heavy caseload, you know what I mean?

Ford. Ford!

Come on.

Ford, I can't take this crap between us anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm quitting.

Dismount.

I love you.

What kind of sentimental bullshit is this?

That's exactly what I said.

Jazz, look.

I'm sick of the hot clubs, the hot cars, the hot chicks.

I'm sick of it. All the fun...

I want you.

- You're saying I'm not fun? - Well, I mean...

You told me to say this stuff.

Look.

I'm crazy about you, all right? You... you know what I'm sayin'.

No. I-I really don't know what you're saying.

But I like the tone of your voice.

I really like the tone of your voice.

It's a beautiful thing.

( Telephone ringing )

Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT.

Hey, hey, this is Bobby Ouch, K-DIRT's hottest new deejay!

You've just won the K-DIRT million-dollar giveaway.

No shit.

Hey, you can't say "shit" on the radio.

Oh, shit, now I just said it.

( Music playing ) ♪ Somewhere... ♪

Ford: Oh, boy, I love the music industry.

Especially the tacky radio giveaway part.

- ( Kissing ) - ♪ My love stands on golden sands... ♪

- ( Squeaks ) - What?

You didn't really think we'd kill the "flucking" koala bear, now, did you?

( Purring )

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ She's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to her arms... ♪ - Ford: Look at this.

The sun, the sea.

Un-fuckin'-believable, heh?

( Music playing )

♪ The old man rhythm's gotten in my shoes ♪

♪ No use sittin' here and singin' that blues ♪

♪ So be my guest, you got nothin' to lose ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ I said oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

♪ I feel like jumpin' ♪

♪ Baby, won't ya join me, please ♪

♪ Oh, baby, please ♪

♪ I don't like beggin' ♪

♪ But now I'm on bended knee ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I've got to get to rockin', get my hat off the rack ♪

♪ The boogie-woogie's got me like a knife in the back ♪

♪ So be my guest, you got nothin' to lose ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ I said oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oh, oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oh, oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I got to get to movin', baby, I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ My heart is beatin' rhythm and it's right on time ♪

♪ So be my guest ♪

♪ You've got nothin' to lose ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ Come on, oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

♪ I feel like jumpin' ♪

♪ Baby, won't ya join me, please? ♪

♪ Come on, please ♪

♪ I don't like beggin', baby ♪

♪ But now I'm on bended knee ♪

- ♪ Ah... ♪ - ♪ Knee ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Come on, oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ I said, oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oh, oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I got to get to movin', baby ♪

♪ I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ My heart is beatin' rhythm and it's right on time ♪

♪ Be my guest ♪

♪ You got nothin' to lose ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ Come on, oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

♪ I feel like jumpin' ♪

♪ Baby, won't you join me, please? ♪

♪ Come on, please ♪

♪ I don't like beggin', baby ♪

♪ But now I'm on bended knee ♪

- ♪ Ah... ♪ - ♪ Knee ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-oo-oo-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Come on, oo-ee, baby ♪

♪ Won't ya let me take you on a sea cruise? ♪

- ♪ Come on, oo-ee ♪ - ♪ Oo-ee ♪

♪ Come on, baby, oo-ee, baby, come on, baby. ♪