Original subtitles

(ETHEREAL LATIN CHORAL MUSIC)

Oh, wow!

Look at him, skating.

He's going fast.

Yes, he's going very, very fast. Wheee! He's running, isn't he?

Are you sure you don't mind having her today?

No, course.

I don't want you to feel I'm dumping it on you.

No, it's fine.

It's an appointment that I'd forgotten about and …

It's all right. We're going to the park, aren't we? Go on the swings …

When you have had enough with her, just drop her at my mum's.

I've told her she's coming, and she knows you're dropping her.

See you in a bit, Lise.

- Say, "Bye, Mum." - I'll see you later at the play.

- Yeah. See you later. - Bye.

(HURRIED BREATHING)

(COUGHING)

(PANTING)

(PANTING GETS LOUDER)

Shaun, what are you doing? Are you wanking?

You're sweating.

Oh, that is gross!

What?

Have you just come in the loo?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes. No, I didn't.

You have, haven't you?

No.

You are really mean. Why are you doing that?

I … I dunno.

I'm just under pressure with the play and stuff.

You know, with all that …

Are you wanking over someone in the play?

No, of course not. It was just … I don't know.

It was just over the magazines that the lads have got at college.

And, you know …

And the woman off Countdown.

Oh, right, OK, the woman off Countdown — great!

I asked you yesterday, Shaun, to have sex.

I don't … I'm just … I don't know,

I'm just under stress, and just wanted a bit of time on my own.

You know, to think about stuff.

All right, then.

Well, I'll see you at the play later, yeah?

Right. See you later.

I'll be in to get changed, by the way.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

Act natural.

(DOOR OPENS)

Morning.

Morning.

All right, son?

Yeah, I'm all right.

It's a bit intense, isn't it?

Does it not feel unnatural to be sat like that?

We always sit like this, don't we?

Where did you get to last night?

Sending a fax. Why? I told you I was sending a fax.

But I forgot to say … It was the machines buggering me about.

A long time, son.

Well, it takes a bit of doing, doesn't it?

They muck you about. You know what they're like, these machines.

What time did you get in?

Nine, ten.

Must have been after 12, I was still up at 12, so …

Well, it was 12, then. I'm nearly 25!

Do you think I'm cheating on you? Cos I have no mates.

Why did you say that?

I'm not cheating on you.

I didn't say that. We've not said anything about that.

All right, well, look,

I can only go as fast as the fax machine will allow me to go.

It was after 20 past 12 when you came in that door.

Well, bloody hell! Come on, I'm 25, let's not … Don't worry.

You could have told us.

- I will tell you. - Let us know.

I should have let you know.

- And now you've been worrying. - Yeah.

And here's me wondering why. You're right, that was thoughtless.

I am thoughtless and that's why I've no mates.

It's common consideration, son, it's just …

All right.

Listen, I'm going to have to go, cos I am going to be late.

So can I have a kiss and a smile, please, from everyone

because it's really sad. Come on. Yeah?

If I can bloody smile. Come on, Dad.

See you later. I'm absolutely fine. I'm fine, Dad.

Tell Mr Squires to get that fixed, then.

I will. I'll get on it now. He'll love that. Can't wait to tell him that.

Eight o'clock in the morning, Spanish Inquisition.

See you in a bit. Love yas. Stop worrying.

(DOOR OPENS)

Lorraine, hi.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm sorry to just turn up like this.

It's OK.

It's just … yesterday, you said … if I needed …

Of course.

I've got loads of time before I have to see the next patient, so …

We can talk out here or we can go into the office or …

Here's fine.

OK. Have a seat.

How have you been? Have you slept?

I want to apologise about yesterday.

Don't worry. I'm glad you've come in.

No, it was … it was awful … the way I spoke to you.

It's understandable, you're under a lot of pressure.

No. I need you to know that I'm really sorry about that

because I didn't … I didn't mean to attack you.

It's OK. It's OK.

I've been thinking about you since yesterday.

I'm glad you've come back.

Likewise.

Lisa slept.

Good.

So, the Calpol …

It worked. For now.

Thank you for that.

And did you?

I got …

… about an hour, I think.

Um …

Just some of the things you said to me yesterday …

I don't want you to feel like I was trying to analyse your life,

but I'm not doing my job if I don't look out for you as well as her,

and that's all I was trying to convey, and …

this is a place you can come and talk.

Yeah.

I could just tell you kind of care and …

I do.

I just …

I don't …

I can tell I'm not well.

OK.

I don't feel …

I don't feel like myself.

OK.

And, um …

… I think I'm a little poorly.

OK.

It may or may not be postnatal depression.

It might run a bit deeper than that.

Because you'd expect that you'd have come from that by now,

but there's more going on with you

and I know that you've had a bereavement in your family …

And, on top of everything else, it just makes everything so much worse.

I'm … I'm glad he's dead.

He was an … an evil man.

- And, um … - You didn't have a good relationship?

No.

He used to abuse me when I was a kid.

For …

For a long time.

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?

Yeah.

I've got a friend, and he's not around at the minute, but …

… he has always been there for me. And …

… he knows.

That's absolutely not something you should carry around.

It can destroy a person.

Things are happening that …

… aren't normal.

Like what?

I can see him.

I can see my dad.

And I'm not talking in my dreams.

It's not even like he's a blurry vision.

He was in my bathroom yesterday.

So I spoke to him …

… and he replied.

I know he's there.

He's not there.

I know I'm not going insane.

You're not.

Because he's there.

You've been so traumatised

and you haven't had a chance to deal with it properly.

And because you're not at peace.

I'll never be at peace, I can never be at peace.

- You can. - I can't.

I have so many secrets buried in me that I just …

Do you realise that none of this is your fault?

You know that. None of this is your fault.

And when you believe that, you will start to get better.

You will start to feel better.

You need help and I want to help you.

- Will you? - I'm going to help you. I'm here.

You can come in here any time and talk. We can talk.

- Please help me. - You're not alone, you know that.

I will help you and you will find peace.

(WHISPERS) This, too, shall pass.

OK, love, you've got 15 minutes.

OK.

You all right?

This is a nice surprise.

How are you doing?

OK.

Yeah. Yeah, good.

You look well.

Yeah, I'm doing all right.

I'm doing me, er …

O levels — no, GCSEs.

- Are you? - Yeah.

What are you doing?

English, maths and … sociology.

Oh, my God.

- Is it going all right? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's not too bad this time.

Good.

Yeah.

Good on you.

How's the baby?

Yeah, she's great.

She's a handful.

But, no, she's … she's beautiful.

Got any pictures?

Urn … yeah, I think I've got one in my wallet.

She's gorgeous.

Yeah.

She looks like you.

She looks like Milky.

(CHUCKLES)

No, she's great.

How is Milky?

Yeah, he's good. He's … He's not around a lot,

but it's what we agreed and it's … working for us, so …

But he loves her, and he's … he's a good dad.

- He's good? - Yeah.

How's Woody?

Urn … he's fine. He's got a new girlfriend.

Making a fresh start.

He deserves it.

I don't really see him, so …

No.

Dunno …

How are you?

Um …

… things are hard …

… but I'm getting there.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry I've not been to see you …

I understand.

But, um …

I just really wanted to come and say thank you, face to face.

What for? You don't have to thank me.

I'd do the same thing again tomorrow.

Yeah, I know you would.

It's not just …

It's not just that.

Just thinking back to when we were younger and …

… you know, me and you.

I remember when you came and saw me at the factory.

And we had that chat in the car.

And I said …

said some things that I really regret.

I don't remember.

Yeah, you do.

We talked about that night that we had together.

You were saying

it was the best night of your life.

And I said it was the worst night of my life.

(CLEARS THROAT)

But it wasn't.

No-one's ever been that gentle with me.

So I'm sorry I said that.

It was just at the time …

Thinking back …

… you've always been there for me.

You know a lot about me,

about my past.

And you're sat there and I'm sat here.

I chose it.

Doesn't matter.

I just wanted to say thank you.

And I love you.

(SIGHS)

I'm going to have to go. I've got to go and get Lisa.

She's at my mum's, I said Milk could see her today, so …

… I'd better not be late.

You going to be all right?

Yeah.

I'll be fine.

You sure?

Yeah.

I'll come and see you again.

Yeah, please.

Have a good Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

You take care.

Same to you.

Love you.

I love you.

(WHISPERS) OK, I'm going to have to go.

See you in a bit.

Scrunch and release.

Scrunch and release and throw that ball up in the air.

ALL: Wooh ahhh. Wooh ahhh.

Wooh ahhh.

Very good. Shake out. Shake out.

(THEY DO VOICE EXERCISES)

So, final dress rehearsal, aye?

Yeah, last chance to get it right.

Or in my case, it's last chance to get it wrong.

Listen, last night, Shaun, I …

You don't have to explain.

You know, I'm not fucking stupid — you're way out of my league.

I'm not out of your league.

I just don't want …

I don't want things to be different between us, you know, as mates.

I do.

What, different for good or different for bad?

Different for good, you idiot.

Look, Shaun, I'm not like this.

You've got a girlfriend, I can't go messing about behind people's backs.

We can't do anything till after the show.

I know what you mean. Of course.

Let's just … Let's just focus on this for now

and I'll speak to you at the party.

Yeah.

I'd best go get my beard on.

I'll, er … I'll see you later.

Bye, Shauny.

ALL: Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ha!

- Ooh! Ha! Ooh! - Higher!

Field, where are you going?

Come here, boy. Quickly in here, warm-up time. OK.

ALL: La-la la-la-la-la la-la la la-la-la la-la la-la-la la

la-la la-la-la la la-la la-la-la la la la-la-la-la

la-la la-la-la-la. Huh! Hu-hu-hu-huh! Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hah!

(KNOCKING)

JEN: Ritch!

(KNOCKING)

Ritchey!

Jen, I'm in t'bath. Go downstairs if you want a poo.

Fuck.

You dad is in the downstairs loo. Can I just come in?

I'd rather you didn't, can you not hang on?

- Fuck. - Sorry, I'm absolutely desperate.

Fuck's sake.

Fucking hit that stage in the relationship.

Fucking wee buddies already.

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jen. I'm being a twat with you there.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am, Jen. I'm being a dick.

I shouldn't have bust in.

You don't deserve it, sweetheart.

I'm just fucking …

Fuck. I'm sorry I've got a fucking lot on at work. And …

- Just got a lot on. - Do you want to talk about it?

All right, no. I'm all right.

I'm sorry, love. I'm just … Fucking … This meal as well an' everything.

It's just fucking …

Every day I spend with him, he pisses me off.

He's a fucking mard arse

and now I've got to spend my time off wi' him, as well.

Fuck.

At least he's paying for it.

Yeah. I'm being a mard arse.

Give me a low five!

All right. You've sorted me out there, thank you.

- OK. - Thanks, Jen.

Right. I'll go and get ready.

All right. You pooed there!

- I have not! - You told me it was a wee. It was a …

- I trusted you! - Hurry up!

Fuck.

There's the donkey and here's the little sheep. Where's baby Jesus?

Point to baby Jesus. Yey, well done!

She's clever, isn't she?

- Hello. - Hello.

- Is that Mummy? - That's Mummy.

Yes, steady.

Come here, then. Give us cuddle, cos Mummy's going out now.

Are you all right?

She's had a busy day.

Going to give Daddy a kiss cos it's bedtime, isn't it?

- I'll take her up, love. - Thanks, Mum.

- Christmas. - Give Daddy a kiss.

Mwah!

All right. Come on, let's go and see what we can find

upstairs, shall we? All right, nighty-night.

Nighty-night.

Bye.

- Night. - (LISA INDISTINCT)

Bless her.

Breaks my heart.

Yeah.

Honest to God, you've done such a good job with her.

- You think? - You really have, though.

She's amazing. And what the fuck?! What has happened with your mum?!

I dunno. She's turned a corner, that's for sure.

Well, that is not the Chrissie I know. Definitely.

Yeah, she's changed.

You look well.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, you didn't the other day.

What was all that about?

You just came round at the wrong time.

I was trying to put Lisa to sleep.

She doesn't sleep throughout the night and I'm struggling with her, so …

You just fucking turned up out of nowhere. You've been away for God knows how long.

I thought it would have been a nice surprise.

Yeah, well, surprises don't always go down the way you want them to.

No, not really.

So how long are you back for this time?

You tell me. How long do you want me back for?

I could do with you back for a bit now.

That's … That's a breath of fresh air, if I was honest.

That's what I've been hoping you'd say.

Yeah, I could do with a bit of help, she's hard work.

She's up all night.

(VOICES INAUDIBLE, MENACING CHORAL MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC FADES)

Shall we get off?

(GHOSTLY RHYTHMIC BREATHING)

- Are you excited? - I'm very excited, aren't you?

No, I can't be arsed! He's fucking intense.

It'll be nice.

Have you ever met his wife?

No, have you?

She's like fucking Satan. Ay-up, Merry Chrimbo!

(LAUGHS)

Now, Jen, let me be chivalrous.

- (LAUGHS) - Eh?

Good evening, madam, sir.

- Hiya. - All right?

It's a table under … Sorry. Under the name Squires.

Ah, you must be Richard?

- Yeah. - We've been expecting you.

Any friend of Ken Squires

- is a friend of this establishment. - Right.

Would you like to come through?

We've prepared your table especially.

- All right, nice one. - (LAUGHS)

- There you go. - Cheers.

Enjoy your evening.

Here he is! How you doin'?!

Ho-ho!

How's that arm? Is it all right?

It's all right, yeah.

Where's my lovely Angela … Who the fuck …? Who's that fucker?

(LAUGHS)

Who are you?

Not Angela!

No, she's not!

Janice — Richard, Richard — Janice.

This is irritating.

Hiya, love, come here, love, let's have a … Come here! Shit!

- Ooh, eh? And you must be Jennifer! - Yeah!

Twice as lovely as he said you were, eh?

If such a thing were possible.

Aw! (LAUGHS)

Enchante!

Ooh, bonjour!

Oh! Eh?

Very cultured!

Nice to meet you. My name's Janice.

Hello, I'm Jennifer.

Hello, nice to meet you.

Who's this lovely lady? What's this all about?

Er … Angela and I are …

We've, um … You know, it's a bit of a rocky road.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

- It's been a bit hard, ain't it, Ken? - Downward spiral.

I can see that. Right.

I won't have a bad word said about Angela.

- D'you know Angela? - I've cut her hair for about six years.

You've cut her piggin' hair as well?!

Yeah, I'm a mobile hairdresser.

In her home, with trust. Ain't that amazing?

Really, really understanding.

- You all right? - Anyway, anyway, he's all right, eh?

- Good lad. - What about you two?

What are we like? What are we like?!

You two, getting your promotion!

- Oh! - Ooh!

Eh? You didn't tell me about that.

No, because it's just … I've not told anyone about it.

It's just a big thing, a big deal. I don't want to …

It's been in me head, I'm thinking about it in here.

You see, the thing is, Janice, Richard's not put pen to paper yet,

we don't want to frighten him off.

I haven't signed it yet, you stupid cunt, have I?!

(LAUGHS)

Working fucking bant … I'm doing working banter with you.

Like in the …

- Just … too far … - With the lasses, I know.

Just … awkward.

Hi, lovely.

- Thank you very much, cheers. - Thank you.

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

I really don't know what's on these tickets, to be honest.

- Oh, thanks. - Hiya, love, you all right?

Yeah, good thanks, love.

Where's my seat, Cynth?

Shall we sit at the front?

Well, I should imagine.

Oh, I'm all excited! It looks great, doesn't it, in here?

Ooh, I am excited!

Are you nervous?

I've been on pins all day.

I'm just going to go and wish him good luck.

- All right, love. - All right?

Yeah, tell him we're here. Tell him we're rooting for him!

You keep 'em, eh?

You keep 'em to buy yourself a wedding gown.

Wedding gown?

That's, of course, if you'll have me?

Why are you kissing?

We're just doing the play.

Well, it looked really real.

Smell, why are you here?

I just came to wish you good luck, Shaun.

Well, you wished me good luck this morning.

How did you get in here?

Did you just walk over the stage in front of everybody?

I just came round the back to see if you were all right.

Why? Of course I'm all right.

We just need to get on with our rehearsal. So will you go, please?

I don't really want to go.

- I want to stay here. - Well, I don't really want you here.

I don't mean it in a nasty way, I mean it as in …

we need to get on with our rehearsals, Smell,

- and you being here's not helping at all. - OK.

You do know that I've been with Shaun for two-and-a-half years, don't you?

Yeah.

She knows we've been together, Smell, I've told her so many times.

Do you want me to give you a bit of time?

It's fine, we need to get on with our rehearsal.

Smell, will you go back out there, please, and I'll come and see you after?

All right, then.

Right. Bye, then.

Good luck.

Have a good play, won't you?

Yeah.

How is he, darling?

Fucking horrible!

Michelle!

He's probably just nervous, love.

KEN: Maybe just a singsong, later.

WOODY: Eh, you, ya bugger!

I'm telling you, babes.

JEN: He told me!

Bugger. I told you, didn't I? Quick-witted, very fast.

- He told me! - He's very fast.

I want you ordering whatever you want off here, troops, all right?

Cos tonight, what's mine is yours,

you're in my place of worship tonight, all right?

What a gent! Ooh, I'm going straight for the steak.

Besides, I think we'll find out that every second meal is free …

- with these babies. - Oh, my God! That is clever.

- Two-for-one vouchers. - Fantastic deal, yeah!

Not just a pretty face, me, you know!

You're a lot more!

- Ooh, sexy talk! - Especially in the back of that Scorpio!

Oh, very … sexual, innit, that?

I tell you what, when you take over from …

- if you take over from me … - If, ya bugger!

If you take over from me.

You'd be daft not to.

You'll find out that my unlimited supply of two-for-one vouchers

is just the tip of the iceberg.

Ooh! It feels a great move now with them.

Unbelievable. There's a few there an' all, ain't there?

Hang on, Ritch.

Tell them how many you've got in your cupboard at work.

I've got 246 of those in my desk.

That's very precise. Have you counted all them?

I thought you were working.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm making bloody brews, welding like a bugger.

He's counting his vouchers, ain't he?

One for each bloody wife of the week!

What am I like? I'm having a laugh.

I've got to check my empire, you know?

That's fantastic, that.

Ooh, it's hot, innit?

I'll give you them back, they're not mine yet.

No, no, they will be though, they will be.

They'll all be yours. What are we going for here, then?

Have a look, here.

(MOUTHS)

How long is this?

Well, I've seen a play before and it was three hours.

Three fucking hours?

- Three hours. - We've got to stand up for three hours?

I tell you, I don't want to stand in these shoes …

It'll fly by, people. It'll fly by.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, for you!

Here you are.

KELLY: Are you passing it down here?

- How do you feel now? - I feel fine. This is going to be great.

You've got a bit more.

Can we keep it up here?

No, you can't. You can give me it back now.

Right, troops, settle down, this is going to be fucking wank!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(PIANO PLAYS)

(GROUP AT BACK MUTTER)

Come, you'll allow me a pound?

Bid me down again …

- (LAUGHTER) - … and I stand on ten shillings.

Now you'll know. You either like it or lump it.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(OFFSTAGE) A bottle of champagne, lad, and half a dozen Cabanas —

- and look sharp! - Here's my pigeon!

(PIANO PLAYS)

(LAUGHTER)

Fuckin' hell!

Aye! No-one should say Bob Brierly's craned when he could've kept going.

(SNIGGERING)

I'm down in London Town just to find a woman

who can help me on my business trip.

I wonder if there's any women in here,

- cos I've come down with a lot of money. - (HECKLING)

- And I just need a bit of help. - Be quiet!

- Oh, sit! - Please.

- I'm sorry, Cynth. - (PIANO PLAYS)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Mind if I sit down here, love?

No, no, of course, sir.

How long have you been living down in London Town?

I have always lived here. How long have you been here for?

Not long, me, love. I've just come down with a bit of money.

(MUSIC DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(INSIDE HOUSE) ♪ Jingle bells Jingle bells, jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ On a one-horse open sleigh

♪ Hey! Jingle bells … ♪

- You seen Fay? - What?

- Have you seen Fay anywhere? - She's in there, ain't she?

All right, I'll have a look. Cheers, mate.

♪ … On a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

And again!

♪ … Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way … ♪

You seen Fay anywhere?

Have you seen Fay anywhere?

No, mate, haven't seen her at all.

Cheers.

♪ … Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ On a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

Have you seen Fay anywhere?

I think she's upstairs.

All right, cheers.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Get out the fucking way!

Hello.

What you doing up here on your own, cuddling a teddy?

Dunno.

What's the matter?

I just don't want to go back downstairs.

Don't really feel like partying.

Fay, what's wrong?

You know what's wrong.

Michelle obviously knows.

Why else would she not come to the party?

Yeah, well … so what if she knows?

I was going to tell her anyway, wasn't I?

Not like that.

I just feel dead tight.

Fay, I'm … really, really sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your night.

Earlier on, in the play, you was amazing.

You know, you deserve to have a good night and maybe me being here is …

stopping you from having a good time.

So …

maybe it's just best if I go.

OK.

Just …

… if you feel like, you know, you want to talk to me or whatever,

even if it's on Christmas Day …

… just give me a ring.

Thanks.

Right, well, I'll see you later.

Shaun.

Don't go.

Really?

(♪ THE SMITHS: This Charming Man)

♪ Sleigh bells ring Are you listening? ♪

Ohh, I tell you what, this is Christmas, eh?

It is bloody Christmas.

Women, cigars, brandy and more Pomagne than you can throw a stick at.

Do you know, I'd love to spend every Christmas Eve like this, I would.

- Wouldn't it be lovely? - Wouldn't it?

It'd be really nice, yeah.

That's a bloody grand idea. I tell you what, why don't we?

We could make a date every Christmas Eve … you, me, her, her.

- Eh? Eh? Every year! - Brilliant.

- Fantastic that. - What would that be like?

I have had such a good night, man.

I really mean it, I really mean it. It's been fantastic.

Full as a bugger, really I am.

- Cracking. - Fantastic.

I tell you what, it'll give me t'chance to see me car every year, my baby.

What do you mean?

You get that, you know, when you take over.

- I get the Scorpio? - You get the Scorpio

- Bloody hell, I did not know that … - You get a car with the job, do you?

- Oh, aye! - Fucking Scorpio and everything.

That'd be brilliant, that.

It's got five gears, that Scorpio.

- Has it? - Five.

Oh, aye. Alloy trims.

I didn't know about that. No, that's incredible. Really? You'll miss that.

1,933 cubic centimetres of raw power engine, that baby's got.

That's gotta be bigger than the Metro, ain't it?

- It's a lot better than a Mini Metro. - I know.

It's a Scorpio.

Imagine yourself driving that, top speed 119 miles per hour.

- Scorpio! - Eh?

Brilliant. Scorpio!

Scorpio!

Scorpio!

I'm … I'm doing it again.

No, you're all right.

Right, right, this is me last word on it now, right?

I don't want to talk about it again.

I know I've put a lot of pressure on you, I know I've been doing the hard sell

and, you know, making you take this job, but …

me last word is this —

I would be absolutely gutted if you … you didn't take that job,

but … that said …

no more pressure.

You know? You take as long as you want!

I know. Listen … Hang on, right. What's the frigging matter?

I don't need any more time. You haven't put me under any pressure.

D'you know what? You're a bloody wonderful bloke with me, you are,

and I really fucking mean that,

you are. You've been nowt but a good man to me and I'd love to do your job.

I'd love to do this promotion shit.

You know, I wanna do it and I wanna do it well.

I'll take … I'll do it. I'll do the job …

Of course I'll take the frigging job … What's the matter with me?

- Of course I'll take the bloody job! - You're taking it? You're taking it?

Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho!

You bloody big lump. Bless you.

I'm glad you're happy.

Come here, that's great.

- Hey, come here. - Lovely.

What are you doing here? Get off my wife!

What about a group hug?

Oh, a group hug … How lovely.

Aw …

Hey … Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, eh? - Merry Christmas.

Oh, a new car!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

That was a piss-poor performance.

Seriously moody.

- It must've been a comedy? - That's a stupid question.

So you are saying it was comedy? Please say it was comedy.

- It wasn't serious! - It was meant to be serious.

Banj, you took the piss.

- I didn't take the piss. - Yeah, you did, Banj.

I did not take the piss.

Seriously, Banj, I've actually never heard you laugh.

You know what I'm pissed off with? That he didn't bring us to his party.

I think we're not posh enough for Shauny.

That's why we haven't been invited to the party.

He's the posh boy.

- He's changed. - He has changed.

- What are we doing tonight? - Foz's.

Oh …!

I have not been there in years!

It's full of granny fucking fanny, man. It's gonna be riddled.

Right.

- Lol, where are you going? - I'm gonna get off. Have a good night.

Come on, Lol, Foz's!

Grab a grandad! Grab a grandad!

Have a good night. See you later.

See you later.

- Merry Christmas, Lol! - Are we going to Foz's?

ALL: Yeah!

Fucking knew you would.

Lois …

… what's up?

Nowt, just wanna get back for Lisa. That's all.

Your mum'll take care of her. It'll be fine.

I don't want Mum to take care of her. I want to take care of her, I'm her mum.

Lol, you're a great mum.

Go and have a good night, Kelly. It's Christmas Eve.

Exactly. It's Christmas Eve. Come out. The fellas really want you to.

I want to be there when she wakes up. I want to …

I'm a mum. I can't be doing Foz's.

It doesn't matter. We don't even have to be with them idiots,

we'll sit in a corner, and get some eggnog …

What? You'd sit in a corner with me all night?

Yeah. Course I would.

I fucking love you, you know?

You all right, yeah?

Kell, I'm absolutely fine.

You just don't seem that happy, that's all.

Well, I am.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

Then we're good.

Mm.

Excuse me. Is this Fay's house?

- Yeah. - That's right.

(SINGING INSIDE HOUSE)

♪ Don we now our gay apparel Fa la la, la la la, la la la

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol Fa la la la la, la la la la

♪ See the blazing Yule before us Fa la la la la, la la la la

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la … ♪

Excuse me!

What the fuck are you doing?

What are you fucking doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

I thought I was going to be the bigger fucking person and come and apologise.

You've fucking betrayed me now.

I'm sorry.

Don't come near me. I'm fed up of all of you.

I'm fed up of all of you, all of you fuckers!

I'm really sorry.

I'll leave you with your fucking jam tart over there!

Open your legs for him.

He's my boyfriend, he's not your boyfriend.

I couldn't help it.

(IMITATES HER) You couldn't help it! Really?!

Smell, I love you so much.

You can have your tart. That's it.

I don't want her.

Have your fucking jam tart and eat it, because I don't want you any more.

Smell, I love you, I'm sorry.

- Fuck off! - Smell!

What the hell?!

Shaun!

Do you not even care?

(♪ THE SMITHS: Asleep)

♪ Sing me to sleep

♪ Sing me to sleep

♪ I'm tired and dying

♪ I want to go to bed

♪ Sing me to sleep

♪ Sing me to sleep … ♪