Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey, Mr. Lambert. - Hey, dad, what's happening?

Well, gee, I was supposed to take a client

to the Bucks-Bulls game tonight

and, now he can't make it, and I've got this extra seat

and nobody to go with me.

It's a shame too, 'cause Michael Jordan

is on fire lately.

Oh, what a bummer. Take me, I'm free.

Yeah, I'm free too. I'm so free, it's pathetic.

Hey, I'm his son.

If he takes anybody pathetic, it's gonna be me.

I've already asked Moose and Smitty, and Dave..

Maybe I should ask Virgil, he loves Michael Jordan.

Dad, dad, I already said I could go.

No, it's Virgil's anniversary. He won't go either.

Dad, dad, remember me?

The fruit of your loins. Huh?

The fruit of my loins.

That's a great idea, I'll take Lilly.

- Lilly? - I'm only kiddin', come on.

Of course, you can go, you're my son.

Yes! Alright.

It's gonna be great. Bucks, Bulls, bonding.

It doesn't get any better than this.

Excuse, um, who am I gonna bond with?

- Who cares? - Who cares?

[theme song]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[Carol] Here, try this.

Would you like some?

Alright, ladies, um..

May I have your attention please?

[Dana clears throat] 'Uh, ladies.'

You're gonna love this.

- Mom! - What?

I'm starting.

I'd like to thank you for coming to the women's safety seminar

which I have entitled

"Protecting yourself from male scum

who should be rotting in prison."

As you can see, my daughter is not soft on crime.

[chuckling] Lighten up, Sipowicz.

We will be having a guest speaker

from the police department, who will explain to us

how notto be victims.

For we have been victims.

Victims of egregious injustices inflicted upon us

by our entire sexist male-dominated society.

Well, we are mad as hell

and we are not gonna take it anymore!

[laughing] And on the lighter side, after the lecture

we will be having pound cake and pfeffernusse.

Hey, where are you two going?

Aren't you staying for my seminar?

I'd rather have my makeup applied by a clown.

Yeah, besides, we took a self defense class once, remember?

I just don't see the point of hearing all that stuff again.

Come on, let's go.

Hi, I'm Officer Adams.

I'm here to teach the women's safety seminar.

And I'm here to learn.

My! What strong arms you have.

The better to hold me with.

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering] Yes! Oh, man.

[siren blaring]

[man on PA] 'And that ends the first half'

'with The Bucks leading The Bulls 42-40.'

Wow, was that an incredible shot or what?

Yeah, I just wish Jordan was on The Bucks.

- Oh. - Thanks for bringin' me, dad.

- I'm havin' a great time. - Yeah, me too.

Hey, we have to do this more often, okay?

You bet.

Great, just my luck, Yosemite Sam

has to sit right in front of me.

Can you believe it, are those hats the most

ridiculous thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, I mean what kind of an idiot would waste his money

on something so lame?

Dad, I'm havin' a hard time seeing.

Would you mind changin' seats with me?

Oh, sure, no problem. Come on, let's do it right now.

[man on PA] 'Ladies and gentleman.'

'It's time to announce the winner'

'of our fabulous "Truck for a Buck" fan giveaway.'

'And now, the winner of a brand new, fully loaded 1998'

'F-150 pickup truck is..'

'...the lucky person sitting in Section ZZ.'

- Hey, we're in Section ZZ. - 'Row three.'

- This is row three. - This could be one of my seats.

[male announcer on PA] 'Seat number one.'

- Yeah. - Yes, I won! I won!

- You? I won. - No, I won.

I'm the one sitting in the winning seat.

Yes! Yes, I'm the winner. I'm the man.

No, you're not the win--

Congratulations, sir.

If you'll step down to half court..

- You can claim your truck. - No, no, wait a minute.

You don't understand. There's been a big mistake.

He's not the winner, I am.

Who was sitting in the seat when the announcement was made?

I was, I was. I'm the winner. My name's J.T. Lambert. Yeah!

[crowd cheering]

[crowd chanting] J.T.! J.T.! J.T.!

Wait, you don't understand it here now.

He is not the winner of the truck, it's mine!

[crowd booing]

Come on, J.T., come on, what about our

father and son bonding?

Oh, oh, that was great.

But, now I'm gonna go bond with my new truck. Yeah!

[crowd cheering]

[crowd booing]

[instrumental music]

Now, safety tip number seven.

I'm gonna need a another volunteer for this.

Oh, I'll volunteer, Officer Adams.

Hey, that's not fair. I was gonna volunteer.

Bite me, I'm first.

Karen..

...uh, no, ha-ha, no.

Uh, you have been my volunteer the last six times.

So, maybe it'd be a good idea if we gave someone else a turn.

But I thought we were a team.

You're benched. Hit the showers.

Okay, Al.

Safety tip number seven is..

If an assailant grabs you from behind

you stomp on his foot.

Think you can handle that?

Your eyes are so blue.

Okay, uh, let's.. Turn around.

Here you go.

Head, too.

[Adams] Al.

Al, stomp on my foot and then run away.

Maybe later.

[groans]

Now, how hard was that?

Ladies, do I have to remind you

that this is a women's safety seminar.

Not happy hour at Club Med.

Okay.

Maybe this is time for everybody to take a little break, huh?

You know, cool down, have lemonade, a soda.

A cold shower.

[Carol] It's my fault, I let them watch too much "Baywatch."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Karen, Karen.

Wait a minute.

Now, look.

Obviously, we are both hot for Officer Adams.

So I think we should discuss this before we go in there.

Okay.

He's mine, end of discussion.

Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Not so fast, Flo-Jo.

You honestly think

that I'm gonna let you move in on my man?

[chuckles] Your man?

Uh, give me a break.

I was the one that opened the door first and saw him.

So I have dibs.

Well, I touched him first, so I've got dibs.

- Nah-unh. - Yeah-ha.

- Do not. - Do so.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Karen..

...listen to us, this is crazy.

No one has dibs.

I mean, this is a human being we're talking about

not a Twinkie.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

We're sisters and it would be stupid

to let a guy come between us.

And even if he does have a washboard stomach..

...thighs of steel and..

...bulging biceps.

- God, I want him! - Me too.

Over my dead body.

- I can live with that. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! - Ugh! Ooh!

[instrumental music]

Oh, Dana, you've got the cutest little butt.

Oh, Mrs. Lambert! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, I swear, I thought you were Dana.

Oh-oh, I'm a dead man.

Here's a thought.

Next time keep your hands off both our butts.

Ah.

I can rip your head off.

I'm sorry, I didn't enjoy it.

But I'm not going to.

And you know why, because I'm an adult, J.T.

I'm not gonna sink to your level.

- Now, that truck is mine. - Truck's mine, dad.

- It's mine. It's mine! - It's mine!

- It's mine! Mine, mine! - Mine, mine, mine!

Wait, wait a minute. What is going on?

They gave away a truck at the Bucks-Bulls game

and when they announced the winning seat, I was in it.

- Alright. - J.T., that's great.

- Congratulations. - No, no, no, it's not great.

Not congratulations.

He only won the truck, 'cause I did him

a favor and changed seats with him.

Which I already thanked you for

and, by the way, you never said you're welcome.

You're gonna get a big "You're welcome."

Uh, guys, whatever happened to this big warm

fuzzy father-son feeling?

I lost the fuzzy father feeling when he took my truck!

- My truck! Mine! - My truck!

Guys, guys, guys, guys, look, look.

I hate to see you two bickering like this

so, I am willing to make

the necessary sacrifice to settle this.

- Well, what are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take the truck.

[both growling]

Gee, just can't put your hands on anything in this house.

I gotta go.

Look, dad. I think I won that truck fair and square, okay?

But, if it's that important to you

I'll show you that I'm the bigger person.

You're gonna give me the truck?

No. I'll give you the finger.

You're gonna give me the finger?

Oh, come on, honey, let me kill him.

We got lots of extra kids.

If you think you're getting that truck, you're crazy.

Come on, I know you're angry

but is anything worth getting

this worked up about?

You're darn right, it is.

I mean, I took him to the game, got him a drink.

I-I bought him a hotdog and a finger

and he turns around and gives me the finger back.

Okay, I understand why you're upset, you feel betrayed.

You're darn right I do, because it's about fairness

and loyalty, and doin' the right thing

and that's really a neat truck, and I wanted it.

[instrumental music]

[male #1] 'Here, man, it's all yours.'

Thanks, man. She's one totally kick-butt truck.

[panting] No. No. Don't let him sign.

No, no, stop it.

- Don't let him.. - Too late.

Ah, geez.

I was supposed to be here to take delivery.

But my truck broke down, I had to borrow

this stupid bike in order to get here.

Hey, all I know is I was supposed to deliver this truck

to J.T. Lambert.

Not to some weirdo on a little pink girlie bike.

Here's your key, son.

- I'm outta here. - Thank you.

Oh, alright, now. Enough is enough, J.T.

The truck is mine, give it to me.

Huh, well.

Not according to this legally binding document

which says "Prize winner, J.T. Lambert."

[gasps]

That would be me!

It also says "Prize winner signature verifies delivery."

[gasps] That would be me.

"Prize winner responsible for all gift taxes."

Would that be me?

Oh, yeah.

What are gift taxes?

Oh, that's right, son.

You've never really had any income

so you don't know about taxes.

Well, you see..

...the gift is counted as income, okay?

So, you would be in the lowest possible bracket, of course

but still, you would owe 15%

of about, um, $30,000.

How much is that?

Oh, that's right, you flunked math.

You don't know how to do that, okay.

15% of $30,000 is $4500.

$4500!

How can I possibly afford that?

Oh, yeah, dad, can I borrow $4500?

Give it up, J.T. Now, give me the keys.

No.

- Give me that key, son. - No.

If you wanna keep that arm attached to your body

you're gonna give me that key.

The truck's an automatic, dad. I only need one arm.

Give me the key. Give me the key..

[grunting]

[gasps]

Oh, look what you did? You scratched my truck.

No, I did not. I scratched my truck!

- That's my truck you scratched. - It's mine.

- It's mine. - That's it!

I have had it with you two!

For the past few days, you've been acting

like a couple of children.

Now, if you can't settle this yourself

I will find someone who can.

Oh, boy, you're in for it now because that's my wife

and she'll do whatever I say.

[Carol] 'Don't bet on it, Frank.'

- Truck's mine. - Mine.

- Mine. It's mine! - Mine.

[instrumental music]

Whoa, cool, a real judge's chambers, huh?

Order! Order! Order in the court!

Order in the court!

Give me that.

And don't touch anything else.

Yes, ma'am.

Sorry about that, thank you for coming in today

Judge Martin, especially on such short notice.

You're welcome. Please be seated.

Before we start, I'd like to be clear.

This is not a court proceeding, but it is an arbitration.

It will be binding and you will be paying me a 100 bucks

for making me come in on a Saturday.

[sighs]

Please proceed, Mr. Lambert.

- Thank you, Your Honor. - Your Honor.

Your Honor, I would like to go first.

- So would I. - Oh.

I'm hating this already.

You shorty, sit.

You talk.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now..

On the night in question..

...I, party of the first part

had two tickets, which I, the party of the first part

paid for to a Bucks game

was going to take a client, but the client couldn't make it.

So, I, the party of the first part, invited the defendant.

'My son, the party of the second part--'

Uh, Mr. Lambert, are there any more

parties in this arbitration?

- No, Your Honor. - Good, then get to the point.

Because I'm all partied out.

Yes, yes, well..

At half time..

...the pa.. Uh.. Pa.. Uh.. Pa..

My son..

...b-begged me to change seats with him

because he could not see, which I did.

And right after that, there was a truck giveaway.

As it turns out, he was then sitting in the winning seat

which I paid for and I would like to offer into evidence

these two ticket stubs, Your Honor..

...marked exhibits A through B, respectively.

Thereby corroborating my case

and proving that I was the owner of the seats in question

without question, on the night in question.

E pluribus unum. Ipso facto. Habeas corpus.

[gibberish]

Mr. Lambert, have you been watching "LA Law" reruns?

- Yes, Your Honor. - Stop it.

- Yes, Your Honor. - Sit.

Thank you.

Alright, shorty. What's your story?

Your Honor..

...my case is simple and undeniable.

And it all hinges right here.

Or as Johnny Cochran might say

"My backside was courtside

when the winning ticket was bonafide."

Son, are you on some kind of medication?

- No, Your Honor. - Then you should be.

Now, do you have anything relevant to say?

Yeah, at this time, I would like to offer evidence

of my father's mental illness.

- I object! - 'Of course, he objects!'

- 'He's crazy.' - I tell you I'm not crazy!

Look at him!

[strikes gravel] Both of you.

Both of you, sit down.

Sit down.

[sighs] Now, having read the terms of the contest.

Legally, I would have to rule in favor of J.T. Lambert.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Is this a great legal system or what?

Hold it, biscuit head.

However, morally, I would have to say

the truck should go to Frank Lambert.

- Well, thank you, Your Honor. - 'Nevertheless, I'm--'

Wait a minute, Your Honor.

Let me guess, you want the truck too?

I think that there's something more important

at stake here than a truck.

I mean, whatever decision is made here today

somebody's gonna leave mad

and then there'll be a grudge from now on

between these two guys who went to a game

the other night buddies.

Best friends, uh.. A loving father and son.

Don't you see what's happening here?

You're letting a stupid truck ruin a wonderful relationship.

I don't think either of you want that, do you?

[sighs]

Your Honor, you don't have to make a decision

'cause...I've already made one.

Look, dad.

I'm sorry about all this.

It's just that I've never had a car of my own.

Guy my age really needs a set of wheels.

I mean, when this happened, it was like a dream come true.

You know?

Carol's right.

I don't want anything to come between us, so..

You can have the truck, dad.

Thank you, son.

But I tell you, I'm not much interested

in this truck now either.

But I do have an idea. Why don't we sell it?

Split the money right down the middle.

You take half, buy yourself a car

and I'll take the other half

and fix up my old truck.

Huh? Deal?

- Deal. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Officer Adams, I'm so glad you could make it.

Are you okay, Miss Lambert?

Ooh, just fine.

And you can call me Al.

[chuckling]

Al, well, the message you left for me at the station

said it was an emergency?

Oh. Oh. Yes, yes, well..

The emergency is, um..

...I, um, I forgot safety tip number sex. Six!

[chuckles]

That was your emergency?

Well, you said remembering your safety tips

could be a matter of life and death.

Uh-huh, well, safety tip number six is..

"Always carry your car keys in your hand."

Great, so you wanna go to dinner?

Di..

- 'Dispatch to unit 582.' - Adams here.

[woman on radio] 'We've just received another'

'emergency call from your present location.'

Another one..

- Did you call again? - No.

[woman on radio] 'Do you need backup?'

No, we wanna be alone.

Wow, Kevin, you got here a lot faster than I thought you would.

Karen. Did you just make a false emergency call?

Yes.

And I know it was wrong.

So, frisk me.

Cuff me.

And take me downtown.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

He came on my emergency call first.

So, if anyone is getting frisked

around here, it's gonna be me.

Uh, girl.. Ha-ha, girls--

Forget it, Al, he's mine.

Oh, dream on, Karen, he's mine.

- Uh, girls. - He's mine.

- He's mine - Mine.

- Mine. - Bite me.

- Gladly! - Hey!

What's the matter with you?

What, you're like two dogs fighting over a Snausage.

You know what?

I wouldn't go out with either one of you.

Ever!

- Why not? - Why not?

Because you're both crazy.

Now, I'm beginning to think all women are crazy.

You know, this happens to me every time

I give one of those darn safety seminars.

Halt! And that's it, that's it.

I'm having myself transferred somewhere safer.

Like, the bomb squad!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]