Original subtitles

- 'Come on.' - Oh, no.

Yes! I got another planet! Uranus is mine!

I cannot believe you guys.

I have been gone for four hours

and you are still playing with your joysticks.

We've been here that long?

Man, we're really gettin' our quarter's worth.

Woo-hoo! Yes! Victory is mine!

Yes, wonderful. Can we go home now?

Oh, but, honey, we just won a bonus game.

I promise, it won't take more than, what

three-four hours, tops.

Well, I've had enough of this virtual stupidity.

- I'll see you at home. - Okay, honey.

Yo! Halke.

I get the next game.

And I am gonna kick your butt.

No way.

- Cassie! - The one and only.

[both screaming]

[laughing]

Oh, when'd you get here?

How long are you stayin'? Where'd you come from?

Yesterday. Indefinitely. Sheboygan.

- Uh, hi-- - Sheboygan.

Oh, this is so awesome!

[both laughing]

What are you doin' here?

Well, my family moved back to town and they said

if I wanna keep spongin' off 'em

I gotta go to East Wisconsin U.

I can't believe you're really here. Hey!

Hey, there. Hi!

I'm Dana. Rich's girlfriend.

Oh, what's up, girlfriend?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Cassie and I were like

best friends in junior high.

We flunked Social Studies together, remember?

- That's special. - Yeah!

Oh, it's gonna be just like old times.

Cass and the Halke-ster.

- Homies again. - Homies again!

Oh, this is great. I think this is great.

- Isn't this great? - Yes.

Oh, yeah. It's great.

[grunting]

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[opera music]

[sighs] Isn't it magnificent?

It's so passionate, so moving.

I mean, have you ever heard anything like this?

Rich?

Tsk. Rich!

Yeah? Oh. Oh.

Bravo! Encore! You're the man!

Rich, if you are not interested in Pagliacci, you can leave.

I did not crazy glue you to the sofa.

Honey, no, no, no. I enjoy watching these things with you.

I mean, what better form of entertainment than to watch a..

...bunch of fat people screamin' at each other

in a foreign tongue?

No, honey, you know, I just

I had a really long day, I'm just exhausted.

Maybe I just need a little nap.

[doorbell dings]

Would you get that, hon?

Excuse me.

- Cassie, hi. - Hey! How you doin', Dona?

- It's Dana. - Ooh.

Gee, you look like a Dona.

Hey, Halke.

Hey, Cassie! What're you doin' here?

Well, I'm broke and I needed to find a sucker

I can hustle out of some cash.

- So, wanna play pool, sucker? - Oh, yes!

Oh, no, uh..

I, uh, I'm watchin' this really great opera

this, uh, Polly itchy?

Rich, it's Pagliacci.

And look, if you wanna go play with Cassie, then go.

- Oh, no, hon, I really wanna.. - Honey, I'm sure you're not..

[indistinct chatter]

I want you to go play pool with Cassie.

Okay. Bye, honey.

Later, Dona.

It's Dana.

Ooh!

Sorry, you still look like a Dona.

[instrumental music]

- Ooh, hi, honey. - Oh, just the man I wanna see.

Have I got good news for you.

What, all the kids are gone and you wanna play

"The lonely housewife and the lucky cable guy?"

- Maybe later. - Okay.

No, the good news is your favorite cousin called.

I invited him over, he'll be here real soon.

Oh, that's great.

- My cousin Art is coming. - No, your cousin Bert.

Bert? Bert, the bum? The bum is coming?

Well, I don't understand. He said you two were inseparable.

Well, yeah, that's because when I was five

he put me on a leash and he charged kids ten cents

to pet Bo-Bo, the big-headed monkey boy.

Honey, Bert is a liar and a bum.

And he never gave me a dime of that Bo-Bo, the monkey money.

Oh, Frank, he's family. How bad can he be?

He lost Uncle Wally's glass eye in a marble game.

And I loaned him a 100 bucks in 1972

and he never paid me back.

Well, that was a long time ago. People can change.

Well, we're not stickin' around to find out.

You get the kids, we're gonna jump

in the car and go to dinner in-in-in Canada.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, don't answer that. Don't.

- Grow up, Frank. - 'No!'

The old Frankfurter!

I bet you haven't heard that name in a while.

- Hey! Boop, boop, boop. - What? Ugh!

No, and I still hate it.

Oh, still the same old Cranky Frankie.

Come on, big guy, give your cuz a hug.

Now..

Ah!

[sighs]

Hi.

Ooh, hey, you must be Carol.

Man, you sounded gorgeous on the phone

but whoa, mama!

I like him already, Frank.

Yeah, well, wait till you've known him 30 seconds.

[laughs]

Loosen up, Frank. Look how glad Bert is to see you.

Glad? I am thrilled!

There is no way in the world I would pass

through town after all these years

without stopping by to see my favorite cuz.

Oh, just passin' through. Well, gee, don't let me stop you.

Okay, let's do this again in another 25 years.

Hey, quit your horsin' around, you big lug!

Your beautiful wife has already invited me to stay for dinner.

Remember the last time you and I had dinner?

Sure, I do.

He invited me out and then he tried

to pay with an expired credit card.

He snuck out the back, I spent two weeks wearin' a hair neck

cleanin' the grease out of drains.

That was fun.

That's my Bo-Bo, the monkey boy!

[whooping]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bert, let me ask you a question.

Of all the places you've been in the entire world

which one was your favorite?

Oh, no contest. Tahiti.

Soft white beaches, crystal clear water

and a sunset so beautiful

it would make a grown man cry.

Sorry, I might need a minute.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, but, hey, not half as beautiful

as the women at this table.

I swear, I feel like I'm havin'

dinner at the Miss Universe pageant.

Yeah, well, that's great.

Why don't you save some of that?

I need the fertilizer for the yard.

- 'Oh!' - Frank?

May I see you in the living room for a minute, please?

Sure. I could use a little fresh air.

Hey, uh, Bert.

Listen, don't do anything funny there.

I counted all the silverware.

[Carol] 'Frank.'

Alright, alright. I know what you're gonna say.

You think I'm bein' rude. Well, I don't care.

- I don't like the guy. - Well, maybe not.

But could you at least try to be civil?

My God, Frank, Marv Albert would get a better reception

at a feminist rally.

[sighs]

Carol, you don't understand.

- Bert is bad news. - Frank--

I don't trust the guy. I want him out of this house.

No, no, listen, no matter what you say, I'm gonna tell him.

Frank. I don't think you have to bother, he already knows.

Uh, don't be angry at Frank, Carol.

He has every reason to feel the way he does.

You see, the old Bert was a pretty bad guy.

He was a liar and a thief.

But what Frank doesn't know is I'm a changed man.

I found the error of my ways.

You found religion?

No, incarceration.

Uh, well, see there. What'd they get you for, huh?

Petty larceny, check fraud, white slavery?

Well, actually I was trying

to sell something that wasn't mine.

- What? - Arizona.

So, I guess I'll be leaving now.

Okay, bye.

But, hey, before I go, I got something I wanna give ya.

I have done my time

and now I am paying my debts.

Here's the $100 I owe ya, plus $200 interest.

Gee, Bert, I..

I don't know what to say.

Ah, you don't have to say anything, Frank.

I'm just hoping that somehow you can

find it in your heart to forgive me..

...someday.

Yeah.

Well, nice meeting you, Carol.

- Thanks for a wonderful dinner. - It was my pleasure.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- 'Hey, uh, Bert.' - Yeah?

Listen, y-you haven't had dessert yet and Carol

she makes a pretty mean strawberry shortcake.

- You mean it? - Yeah, I mean it.

Oh, thanks, you little Frankfurter!

[groans] See that? Could you stop with the Frankfurter stuff?

You got it, Cranky Frankie.

Hey! Boop, boop, boop.

[instrumental music]

[both chuckle]

Dana, uh, is that, is that you?

Wearing an apron and making food?

Oh, my God! She's been possessed by June Cleaver.

Very funny.

It's no big deal, I am just packing lunch

for me and Rich to take down to the lake.

What happened to your usual, "Saturdays are for study?"

I plan on doing a little studying.

Going to study his lips and let him study mine.

I knew it, I knew Rich spending all that time with Cassie

was starting to get to you.

Fine, you're right.

But he's not gonna be with Cassie today.

Because I am going to take him down to the lake

ply him with a chicken sandwich

and sugar-coated fruit-tooties..

...and rock his world.

You go, girl!

- Hello, ladies. - Hey, Rich.

Boy, are you in for a good day.

Oh, tell me about it, Cassie got us tickets

to the monster truck show this afternoon.

- What? - Oh, honey.

You know, I know how you love

to study every Saturday.

So I figured I'll just get out of your hair

and let you bury yourself in your books, huh?

Am I a thoughtful guy or what?

Yeah, you're a real prince.

Hey, uh, what's this?

[imitating Yogi Bear] Looks like someone's off to a Jellystone Park

with a pic-a-nic basket.

- Yeah, Dana was-- - Uh, wait!

I was planning to, uh, study all day

but I was packing a lunch for the girls

'cause they are going down to the lake..

...without me, of course.

'Cause I'm just gonna be here studying

by myself.

Alone with my books.

That's my little brainiac. I'm gonna miss you.

[imitating Yogi Bear] Hey, you guys look out for Mr. Ranger now, okay?

Come on, Yogi. Alright, Boo-Boo.

Alright, Yogi, come on.

Dana, why didn't you tell Rich the picnic

was for the two of you?

What for? I mean, it's obvious

he'd rather spend time with Cassie than with me.

[instrumental music]

Ahh!

I think you're lost, barky, the fire hydrant's outside.

Look, I don't know how to say this, but..

...I'm not fun.

I've been telling you that for years.

J.T., this is serious.

Rich is out with Cassie right now

because she's fun and I'm not.

So please, you've gotta teach me how to be fun.

Let me get this straight.

You, brilliant, perfect Dana

need help from dumb old me?

[sighs] Yes.

And I want you to know that this is

the lowest point of my life.

Yes, which of course makes it the highest point of mine.

So you're gonna teach me how to be fun?

I'll try. But remember, I'm just one man.

So what's first?

[burping]

What was that?

That, Dana, was fun.

Listen, I am not going to belch.

Cassie would.

In fact, I hear she can belch to "Camptown Races"

all the way to doo-da, doo-da.

That is disgusting.

Fine, then Cassie gets Rich

and you end up the way we all thought you would.

An angry gym teacher, short haircut, too many cats.

Alright, fine. I'll try it.

- So, what am I supposed to do? - It's no big deal.

Just suck in some air and burp it out.

[inhaling]

[burping]

Alright!

[instrumental music]

Come on, honey, hurry up. The game's about to start.

I don't wanna miss the kick-off here.

Can you get this in the kitchen, hon?

- Sure. - Okay. Don't hurt yourself.

There you go. Good girl.

Carol, where's the, uh, remote control?

- On top of the TV. - Oh.

Carol, where's the TV?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We've been robbed!

No, we've been had.

I knew this would happen. Bert strikes again.

But that doesn't make sense.

I mean, why would Bert want our junky old TV?

After giving you $300.

You know why.

Because this $300 is not real.

It's counterfeit, it's funny money.

- It's sucker bucks and now.. - No!

It's confetti.

Ha-ha.

[knock on door]

Hey, cuz, Carol.

You know, you guys really should lock your doors.

Someone could just walk right in and steal somethin'.

Well, you ought to know.

Bert, you have a lot of nerve comin' back here

after what you did.

Yeah, Bert, how could you steal our TV?

I invite you over, I opened my home.

I even gave you meatloaf!

You got it all wrong. Didn't J.T. give you the message?

Yeah, right. What are you talkin' about?

That kid is gettin' more like me everyday.

We gotta hurry up. One more stop we got to make.

Uh, where do you want this?

Uh, set it right down there

in front of the couch.

[Frank] Oh, my God!

Bert..

You bought us a new TV?

Feelin' kind of stupid, huh, Frank?

Oh! Bert, I just can't believe this.

Believe it. This baby is loaded.

Cable ready, surround sound picture-in-picture..

Heck, this baby will do everything except

go to the can for you during commercials.

Oh, Bert, gee, I'm really sorry I ever doubted you.

Yeah, Bert, yeah, I-I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions.

- I apologize. - Ah, it's alright, Frank.

You had a right.

I did some pretty lousy things to you over the years.

Let's just say this is my way of proving to you

that I really am a different man.

Wow, Carol, you know what this means?

Yes, that people can change and turn their lives around.

No. That I just ripped up $300!

Oh, my God!

[rock music]

Okay, now, I'm gonna put the nine in the corner

kiss the five, and put it in the other corner.

The hard way.

♪ Pick up the beat ♪

♪ Pick up the beat ♪

♪ Pick up the beat ♪♪

[cheering and applause]

Uh, let me get this straight.

You've uh, played this game before, yes?

- Uh-huh. - Yes.

Yo, Halke, what it is?

[burps]

I'm sorry, have we met?

What's up, girlfriend! How you livin'?

Dana, what happened to your clothes?

Looks like you just came out of a mosh pit.

Check it out.

It's the new me.

I'm dressed to hang with my homelies.

That would be homies.

Whatever.

So, you mind if I play?

Yeah, I thought you hated pool.

That was the old Dana.

Looks like fun. Rack 'em up.

It's cool, it's cool. Chill, babies.

Okay.

Sports fans, watch and be amazed.

Ooh!

Okay.

White ball in that side hole.

[glass shatters]

Honey, what has gotten into you?

Chill, boyfriend, that was just my warm-up.

Really?

What're you gonna do for your next short, uh

take out the snack bar?

What's the matter, Cass? Afraid of a little competition?

[screeching]

[gasping]

Oops!

- Honey! - Oh! Oh!

- Oh. - Oh!

What's the matter with you?

Uh, I'm sorry. Oh.

[clattering]

Dana. Dana. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Honey, honey! Honey, where're you going?

What's goin' on? You're acting crazy.

Well, you don't seem to mind it when Cassie acts crazy.

Is that what this is all about?

You're jealous of Cassie?

You're damn right I'm jealous.

You spend every free minute with her.

I guess, I thought if I could just be funlike Cassie

then maybe you'd be interested in spending some time with me.

Honey, I love you.

And love has nothing to do with fun.

L-let me rephrase that, um..

Uh, when I hang out with Cassie

it's like hangin' out with a best buddy.

You know, like, when I hang out with J.T.

except without the body odor.

Really?

Yeah, really, honey..

...you are the only one for me.

Look, I'm sorry if me hangin' out

with Cassie is making you sad.

She's my friend.

I like her.

But I love you.

Please don't ever change.

Oh, I think, I just proved that I can't.

Well, then I am one lucky guy.

Come here.

Give your homelie some lovin'.

[instrumental music]

Honey, I thought I explained this to you before.

I don't care if you don't know how to play pool.

I've been practicing and I wanna show you.

Oh, I've seen you play.

Believe me, you're the only person who can turn

a game of pool into a brush with death.

What's the matter? Afraid I'm gonna beat you?

Oh, please. I am a masterat pool.

I'll tell you what. Let's make it interesting.

If I win, we don't have sex until we're married.

If you win, tonight's the night.

Rack 'em up!

My turn now. Get out of here.

[singing in foreign language

Ha-ha-ha.

I win.

No, we both win.

- Bravo! - I win.

Bravo!

- Bravo! - I win. I win.

- Bravo! - I win.

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

- Bravo. - Not another dream, not again.

It can't be another dream.

[screams] No!