Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Hey, Carol!

Listen, I'm, uh, really sorry

about all those interruptions last night.

I was really hopin' we could finally make..

...uh, some, uh..

...decisions about those investments you picked out.

There was one particular merger I really wanted to get into.

I'm sorry, too.

I know one company that was hoping

for a friendly takeover.

I didn't know that mom and Frank were into the stock market.

They're not talking about the stock market, you dill weed.

They're talking about the horizontal hula.

The toe-to-toe tango.

The man and wife Macarena.

- I don't get it. - Sex, you doofus.

Hey, would you mind not talking about our sex life, please?

- Hey, you started it. - Hey, just ignore them, Frank.

Besides, I didn't get my good morning kiss.

Mwah! Ahh!

Now don't you pretend you didn't enjoy that.

Sit down!

What's the matter with him?

I think it's been a while since Ma and Pa Walton

have had a party on Walton's mountain

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, you know what, you're right.

It's been ages since Carol's come downstairs

with that goofy smile on her face

and her night gown all inside out.

Alright, that's it, you guys.

Here's your lunches. Off to school. Come on, everybody.

- Where's my lunch? - Here. There's your lunch.

Go, get, get to school!

Go, go, go, get, get.

What are you mad at us for?

It's not our fault the love train

never left the station.

Get..

[sighs] Okay, honey, that's it. That settles it.

- Tonight's the night. - Mm.

I'm gonna make sure there's not a kid

within 50 feet of our bedroom tonight.

But, you know, Frank, I mean, there isn't a kid

within 50 feet of us right now.

I don't have to be at work for another half hour.

- Mm. - Oh, ho.

- Well, okay.. - Ooh..

- Hey! - Aah! What?

Before you two start doin' the kitchen conga..

...my car won't start.

You're gonna have to drive us to school.

[softly] Get out of here!

I, uh, I'm, I'm gonna..

[Frank sighs]

Somebody hates me.

[theme song]

♪ Step By Step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[theme music]

[upbeat rock music]

Alright, here comes the snap, it's up.

And it's goal! Yes!

The crowd goes wild.

[imitating crowd cheering]

Excuse me, I'm trying to study here.

Study?

What course could possibly require you to read

the latest issue of"Tres Chic?"

It is not for a class.

I'm studying for something far more important.

Life!

This magazine taught me more about dry skin

than I could ever learn in college.

Yeah, yeah, who cares? Any thong, bikini ads in there?

Well?

What do you think of my dress?

[chuckles] Wow! What do I think of that?

Wow, I think you look incredible.

Yeah, Barky, add a diamond-studded flea collar

you really got somethin' there.

Very clever, J.T., for a doorstop with bad hair.

Ignore him. Dana, you look great.

You and Rich are gonna be the best-looking couple

at Laurie's wedding.

Oh, that's right, you two are going

to a formal wedding this weekend.

I can't believe Dana's got you in a tux, man.

Well, even if he can't dance

at least he'll look fabulous at the table.

It still sounds like a snooze fest to me.

Hey, it's better than your weekend plans, alright?

Saturday, original recipe. Sunday, extra crispy.

That reminds me, I'm hungry.

I think I'll make a run for the border.

Okay, I'm gonna change so we can go rent your tuxedo.

Okay. D'oh! Dana!

Uh, you know what, uh..

...I forgot, I'm gonna have to go pick up my tux later.

- Somethin' came up. - What?

Well, uh, my dad, he, uh

he wants me to go to the drugstore for him.

You know, it's kind of personal.

I have to pick up a...ointment

for something gross that happens to old guys.

Well, can't he go to the pharmacy himself?

Well, he could

but then he wouldn't need the ointment.

[scoffs]

[Dana] Well..

...that was kind of strange.

Yeah, even for Rich.

I wonder what's goin' on?

Isn't it obvious?

He's seeing somebody else.

What?

There's an article right here in"Tres Chic."

Uh, "Ten signs that your man is cheating on you."

Listen to number four.

"Breaks plan suddenly

with no reasonable explanation."

Karen, he had a perfectly reasonable explanation.

His father has a rash.

Face it, Dana, Rich is seeing somebody.

Look, Karen

I don't wanna be vain, but what could Rich

possibly get from somebody else

that he's not getting from me?

- Sex! - Sex!

[instrumental music]

♪ Are there stars out tonight? ♪

♪ I don't know.. ♪♪

[Frank gargling]

[Frank spits]

♪ ...for you tu tu tuu ♪♪

Oh, I hope the kids don't interrupt us tonight.

No, honey, they're all asleep

and all my systems are go.

"Houston, we do not have a problem."

- Ooh. - Heh.

You..

Oh, I love it when you talk rocket-talk.

Well, honey, be prepared

for a close encounter of the best kind.

Oh, yeah.

- Okay. - Oh, Frank.

Oh, seems like forever since we've been alone like this.

Eighteen days, three hours and twenty-two minutes.

Oh!

[Carol moaning]

[knock on door]

Don't make a sound, maybe they'll think

we're asleep and go away.

[knock on door]

[whispering] Did you lock the door?

I guess not.

Just don't move. She has terrible night vision.

Mommy, I don't feel good.

What's the matter, honey?

I feel hot, my throat is itchy and my nose is runny.

Well, you know what, pumpkin?

I know the best thing for that is some

of that cherry-flavored medicine

that makes you sleep all night long.

So I'll tell you what.

Why don't we go back to your bed and I'll give you some--

Frank! Frank, no, really.

I think she's coming down with something.

I wanna sleep with you, mommy.

So do I.

Good, then we can all sleep together.

- Sure, sweetheart. - Okay.

Okay.

- Okay. - Alright.

Snuggle up here. Ahh!

I'll try not to throw up on you, daddy.

That-that'd be real nice.

[mellow rock music]

Al, according to this magazine

that blueberry muffin

has 60 grams of fat.

Well, it will only have 30 if I shove half up your nose.

Hi, ladies.

- Hey, Dana. Where's Rich? - Hey.

I thought you guys were gonna study together at the library.

Oh, he had to cancel. He had a make-up test.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, the smart ones are always the last to know.

Well, then, you must be the first to know.

What are you talking about?

Number six, in "How to tell if your guy is cheating?"

Stands you up for a date.

Karen, isn't there some unwanted hair you need to get rid of?

Hello, ladies.

Dana, what are you doin' here?

Me? I live here. What are you doing here?

Wha-what happened to your make-up test?

Oh, uh, my make-up test, that's, uh, that's tomorrow.

Yeah, I-I just came home, uh, to get my wallet

so I could go to the mall

and buy m-make-up for my make-up test.

And w-why would you need make-up for a make-up test?

W-w-why, I didn't tell you?

I'm taking a class in m-mime.

Mime?

[chuckles nervously] Yeah, you know, mime.

I'm...walking in the wind. Shwoo!

Or I'm in a box.

[whispers] In a box.

Mime, heh.

Alright, Rich, what's going on?

Honey, I told..

I told you I have to go to the mall

so I could buy make-up for my make-up test.

Now, I'd love to keep talking about this

but I have to practice being silent, so..

[crashing]

[no audio]

[all] Mime?

[instrumental music]

[car approaching]

[knock on door]

Yeah, he was on his way to the mall

to buy make-up, right.

Well, uh, Dana gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So should we.

Who knows? Maybe he's visiting a sick friend.

[door closes]

She looks pretty healthy to me.

That's it. I'm convinced he's cheating.

I'm kind of relieved.

At least, he's not a mime.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat rock music]

I cannot believe this.

I can't believe that little slime

is cheating on Dana.

How are you gonna tell her?

Me? Why do I have to tell her?

- You tell her. - I can't tell her.

I'm just her stepsister, we've only lived together seven years.

I hardly know the girl.

Well, I can't tell her. She'll think I'm gloating.

Although, I was right.

Okay, I 'll tell her if you give me those shoes.

Al!

- Okay, fine. - Okay, come on.

[Alicia sighs]

Dana, I, uh, think you'd better sit down.

Uh, Al has something she wants to tell you.

- Come on. - I changed my mind.

- You tell her. - Not fair.

- You said you were going to. - Well, I'm not.

Then you're not gonna get my shoes.

I don't care about your shoes.

Well, there's no way I'm gonna tell Dana

we saw Rich cheating on her.

Was that out loud?

Wait a minute, you-you actually saw him?

Yeah. Karen talked me into following him and..

...we saw him go into some bimbo's house.

This, this can't be happening.

Dana, maybe it's not that serious.

Yeah, it's probably just a physical thing.

Ow!

[whistling]

Oh, hi, honey.

Uh, listen, I-I saw Lilly

out front playing and she seems to be okay.

Yeah, she's fine. I guess she just had a little bug.

I'm sure she'll sleep through the night tonight.

Well, with any luck we won't.

[both giggle]

- What about all the other kids? - No, no.

I heard they all have plans.

- Ooh, then tonight's the night. - Yeah.

[both moaning]

- Achoo! - Oh, bless you.

Ahh.

Oh, you're not gettin' sick, are you?

No, no, no, I always sneeze when I dust.

- Now, where were we? - Right here.

[Carol moaning]

Mom, Frank, don't wait up.

I'm gonna kill Rich, and then we need to find

a place to bury the body.

Let's go, Angels.

[upbeat rock music]

[jazz music]

I don't believe it.

He sure has some nerve.

Yeah, wearing sneakers on a date.

[Dana] 'Oh, my God, she must be close to 30.'

What can he possibly want from her?

- Sex. - Sex.

Oh, God! She's pulling him closer.

She's moving in for the kill.

Yeah, well, so am I.

Very good, Rich.

You're such a great student.

You think I'll be ready for the wedding this weekend?

Absolutely.

You know your girlfriend is a really lucky girl

to have a guy like you who would actually take

dance lessons for her.

Well, I would do anything for Dana.

Believe me, she's the kindest, sweetest

most lovable person you'd ever wanna meet.

[Tatiana] 'That's wonderful.'

[Tatiana gasping]

You lying, two-timing snake!

Hi, honey.

We were just talking about you.

Yeah, and who is this

low-life, man-stealing bimbo?

- I'm Tatiana. - Oh, "Tatiana."

A perfect name for a woman

of your...ilk.

What, what, no, no waterbed?

No lava lamp? No inflatable friends?

[Rich] 'Dana!'

Tatiana is my dance teacher.

Oh, okay, so now you're taking mime and dance.

Hey, I can't wait to see your one-man show.

I am telling you the truth. I'm taking dance lessons.

Rich, please. If she was really a dance teacher

she would have dance charts all over the walls!

'Like these!'

'Oh, God!'

She really is a dance teacher.

Dana, where would you get the crazy idea

that I'm cheating on you?

Uh..

- Well, I-I gotta go. - Me too. Heh.

Oh.. I, I'm-I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Really, don't worry about it.

This happened before. It'll happen again.

At least, you weren't armed.

Anyways, if you guys will excuse me, I need to go

call my landlord so he can come fix my door.

- Ah.. - Whoa. Heh.

I guess I kind of overreacted.

[scoffs] Kind of overreacted?

You came through that door like the chick

from "Fatal Attraction."

Well, I couldn't help it, I mean, y-you're

breaking dates with me and making these lame excuses

and then the next thing I know

you're in the arms of this beautiful woman.

Well, now, that I couldn't help, the only other dance teacher

in Port Washington was named Chuck.

But why are you even taking dance in the first place?

You don't even like to dance.

Yeah, I know, but you do.

And I was hoping to surprise you at Laurie's wedding.

[sighs] You were doing this for me?

Dana, I love you.

And I would do anything to make you happy.

Ugh.. Heh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Could you ever forgive me?

Of course, I forgive you, baby.

Here, let me show you what I learned, huh? Huh?

[jazz music]

[coughing]

[groans] Oh, God!

Ahh.

[groans]

[coughs]

[sneezes]

[sighs]

Oh!

[sniffles]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..

...choo!

[groans]

[hairdryer whirring]

[blows nose]

[clears throat]

[head cold voice] Are you ready for me, lubber?

[exhales]

[head cold voice] Come on in, the water's fine.

Okay.

Oh, Frank.

Oh, Frank. Isn't this great?

The two of us all alone together. No kids, nothing.

- Couldn't be happier. - Yeah. Oh..

[both sneeze]

[groans]

[Carol blows nose]

[Carol blows nose]

[sighs]

Okay. Now, where were we? Ahh.

Right here. Heh.

- Uh, honey. - What?

You didn't get it all.

Oh. No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

[Carol] 'It's alright.'

[Carol groans]

- Okay. Here we go. - Okay.

[giggling]

[Carol sneezes]

[coughing]

This just ain't gonna happen, is it?

Uh-huh, you know, Frank, the only thing I want

on my chest tonight is VapoRub.

I know what you mean.

I feel like my head's in a bice.

Got all the water in Lake Michigan

runnin' out my nose.

Let's just take a rain check on this romance thing

until next week, okay, honey?

[sighs] Honey?

[Carol snoring]

Thank you.

[mellow rock music]

["Cheek To Cheek"]

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats ♪

♪ So that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find ♪

♪ The happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together ♪

♪ Dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And the cares that hung around me ♪

♪ Through the week ♪

♪ Seem to vanish ♪

♪ Like a gambler's lucky streak ♪

♪ When we're out together ♪

♪ Dancing cheek to cheek ♪♪