Original subtitles

♪

(Larry) you see, after all is said and done,

the only thing you can be really sure of,

the only thing you can really count on

in this world,

is that you just never fucking know.

I bet the last thing you were thinkin' about

when you were tying your shoelaces this morning

was that there was a chance that by the end of the day, this day,

those same shoelaces were goin' to be untied

by somebody working for the coroner's office.

Am I right?

I'm right, right?

Hey! get the fuck out of here!

What, you wanna know about this?

Get the fuck out of here!

Take that shit to the dry cleaners.

Now!

[Sighs]

Sorry. long day.

Where was I? Ok.

You know, the human body is, like,

80 percent moisture, right?

How much do you weigh? 165? 170?

Now, I figure if you could somehow extract

80 percent of that,

you'd have... Give me a second...

34 pounds

of, like, solid,

not meat...

It'd be more like beef jerky, you know?

But with hair and bones and teeth,

shriveled-up tattoos and whatnot.

Probably be, like, this big.

In any event,

you're startin' to follow my drift here, papi?

Because somebody has some money that belongs to Louis.

Is it you, perchance?

Is it you that has some money that belongs to Louis?

No, no.

- Is it? - No.

- Is it? - No.

No? sure?

- Yeah. - ok.

I'm gonna start this thing and leave.

What do you think? Permanent press or delicate? Nah.

Wouldn't be appropriate if I asked you

if you had change for a dollar.

I got it. I got it.

All right. Calm down. I just need 4 quarters.

No. I got Louis's money.

Oh. you got it.

Yeah, I do.

Well, I got some of it, anyways.

Nah, this isn't what we talked about.

Nah, this is-- it's fucking simple.

- Fuckin' breaking the contract. - (Man) Absolutely right.

- It's very simple. I give you, you give me.

You don't give me, that's not right. Breach of contract.

You're fuckin' up. That's what you're doing.

What do you think I'm out here for? I'm asking you a question.

- What do you think I'm out here for, huh? - Louis,

I'm really scared now.

You're scared now? I don't give a fuck.

I told you not to let this get out of control, didn't I?

What'd I tell you? I told you that, right? Right?

Listen, here's what you're gonna do for me, ok?

You're gonna come see me tomorrow

and you're gonna bring me something.

Ok, you hear me? - Yes. Yes, I do.

Something to scale, all right?

Otherwise I can't--i can't talk to you no more, all right?

I'm gonna have to send jiggly over,

and he's gonna have to settle up with you.

You come to me tomorrow or he goes to you tomorrow. Very simple.

- I'll be here tomorrow. - Yeah?

- That's good. - And I'm not kiddin' ya.

- Get the fuck out of here now. - Ok?

Get the fuck... Go, you fuckin'...

Fuckin' roach.

Fucking class of people.

I'm in Siberia around here.

I know.

Fuck this city.

I don't know how you guys cut it out here.

It's, uh, it's gigli, by the way.

- What? - my name is gi--

pronounced "zhee-Lee." It rhymes with "really.

Is that right? Is that so?

Yeah.

All right. Well, you know what,

I'll remember that for the next time, then.

Meanwhile, you got somethin' for me, gigli...

Rhymes with really?

It's--it's about half.

Half?

Half for today.

Believe me, that's all the guy had.

You know, it's better than nothin'.

How about it's not better than nothin', you fuckin' idiot?

Better is fuck the money

and then you hurt him, it's to spread the word.

Since when are you authorized to make corporate policy decisions?

I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know. I'm sorry.

Are you all they got to offer around here?

You're supposed to be like this vicious, fuckin' mad dog.

I'm sorry.

Walk with me.

There is a certain individual

who is creating very substantial difficulties

for a dear friend of mine in New York.

Now, this certain party

is very bullheaded and seems to be removed

from what i would like to call my sphere of influence.

All right, how can I help?

The plot needs a twist.

The individual needs to be touched in some manner as to, uh,

convince him of the error of his ways

before he can hurt other people,

particularly my friend from New York.

Right.

Now, this certain individual, he's got a, uh,

a beloved relative with certain psychological defects.

I want the relative gotten, all right?

And I want him, for the time being, held onto.

Perhaps then

reason can prevail.

You--you're following all this?

Yeah, all of it.

All of it.

Got it.

All right. Wait. Whoa. Whoa.

Where is he?

Over there.

Right there? That's him?

All right.

Thanks.

I'm all right. You can go outside. I'm ok.

Thanks.

Hey.

Are you Brian?

Huh?

Brian.

I know you're Brian.

Your friend ratted you out back there.

Hello?

What are you, uh, eatin' there?

What do you got, uh? What are those, Polly seeds?

They're not. You're stupid.

I'm stupid.

They look like Polly seeds to me.

- They're sunflower seeds. - It's the same thing.

We just called them Polly seeds when I was a kid.

You must be the stupidest person, you piss-head, pisser-fucker.

[Sighs] ahem. all right, look.

Me and you, we're supposed to go for a quick walk. You ready?

Yeah, we gotta go take a walk around the block.

- What do you say? - I won't give anybody my seeds.

Barry always asks why I don't give anybody any.

Don't worry about it. Keep those.

That's for you, ok?

Come on, let's go. We're gonna take a walk. Come on.

- [Yelps] what did that?! - Shh.

He's kiddin'. He's kiddin'. He's kiddin'.

Ah...

Sorry about that.

All right, look, it's real simple.

You and i are gonna go outside and take a little walk.

I won't grab you again, ok?

- I have to go to the baywatch. - I'm sorry, what?

I have to go to the baywatch. I was gonna go.

You wanna watch baywatch?

Roll by my apartment, we'll turn on baywatch.

Ah! you're the stupidest person. You're the stupidest person.

Not television. The baywatch.

Oh.

The baywatch?

Yeah, the baywatch.

Ok. all right.

Yeah. the baywatch.

Can I go?

You wanna go now?

To the baywatch.

Yeah. I'm goin' there.

I was on my way.

[Both laughing]

- Yes, I would. - All right.

- Yes, I would. - Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Ok, I gotta get my radio. I gotta get my radio.

The music's gonna be good there.

Ok, good.

[Whooping]

Baywatch!

[Chuckling]

Here we come.

Hey, uh, wait a minute.

You hear that, now? What is that?

You hear that? - No.

Yep, it's my walkie-talkie callin'.

Yeah, hello?

Hey, I told you, don't ever bother me again

when I'm takin' trips with my friends.

Yep.

What? no, we're goin' to the baywatch.

Yep, that's right, the baywatch.

Huh?

No!

Holy mackerel.

Would you know when they're gonna be open again?

Ah, ok.

We'll call you tomorrow for the update. Ok.

How do you like that?

The baywatch is closed today.

No.

Tomorrow we'll go. We'll go tomorrow.

I can't believe it.

This always happens like that, right?

When you-- when you plan a big trip.

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

Hello there. P.O.B.

What does that mean?

P.o.b. limo drivers say that.

That's good. What does it mean?

P.o.b. passenger on board.

Already, huh?

(Larry) yeah, already.

That's good.

You headed back to your place?

I am, I am.

(Louis) good. we'll talk later.

Yeah, we'll talk later.

Come on in. It's all right.

I don't bite.

Come on.

Hey, you hungry?

I got food.

Huh?

You thirsty?

I want a soda.

You want a soda? I'm out of soda.

Want a water?

Huh? hey, you want a water?

I'll get you a water.

All right. How is that?

Good?

I wanna go home.

All right, you got to stay here for a little bit.

No, I wanna go home.

No, we got to stay here.

Can't do it right now.

So maybe you wanna watch t.V. Or cartoons?

I wanna go home.

We got to stay here.

No.

- Brian, what are you doin'? - Take me home now.

- Stop. - hey!

Fuck all of you! You stupid soup-fucker!

What?

Don't do that, motherfucker!

Brian, what's wrong with you? Cut that out.

Cut it out! Stop! Stop! Be quiet!

- I'm goin' to the baywatch. - Brian!

- I'm goin' to the baywatch. - Hey!

I'm goin' to the baywatch.

All right.

[Burps]

Where are my seeds?

Huh?

They're sunflower seeds, idiot.

- They're right there. - They're sunflower seeds!

Ok, they're right there.

- They're sunflower seeds! - Behind you.

They're right there.

Right there.

Ok.

[Doorbell ringing]

Stay here.

Everything's fine.

Just kiddin' around.

Hello.

Hi.

May I be of some assistance?

Well, that remains to be seen.

- [Chuckling] - look, I'm--

I'm sorry to bother you. It's just, uh...

I was wondering if it wouldn't be

too much trouble if i could use your phone for a second.

- That's-- I, uh... - Right.

I just took a one-bedroom in the front,

and I've been waitin' all day

for the phone company to come hook me up, but...

Yeah, it's just kind of a bad...

It'll only take a second, i promise.

You know, it's probably a local call.

I can't. I'm sorry, you know.

I'll be in and out before you know it.

I promise.

Just leave a faint scent.

[Sighs]

Yeah, all right. Come on in.

Thank you.

Sure.

It's, uh... The phone's right there.

I promise it'll only take a minute.

All right.

Ahem.

Hello.

What are you doin'? Go sit down. Go in the kitchen.

These computer answering things,

they drive me nuts.

You're makin' a telephone call.

That's right, she's makin' a telephone call.

Don't call baywatch because they're closed today.

[Chuckling]

I wouldn't think of it.

I'm sorry, I got to ask.

Do we know each other?

Not yet.

I'm ricki.

Larry.

Larry giggly, right?

I saw it on the mailbox.

Yeah, it's pronounced "zhee-Lee," like, uh...

Rhymes with "really."

It's nice to meet you, Larry gigli.

Nice to meet you, Larry.

[Chuckling]

What's your name?

Bob.

You're stupid. That's not my name.

That's not your name?

What is your name, sweetie?

That's it. His name's Bob.

His name's not Bob.

Your name is Bob.

Well, whatever your name is,

has anyone ever told you you're a very handsome young man?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

In private.

I can't fuckin' believe this.

It's an unexpected bonus.

Who'd have thought you were a babe magnet?

You're better than a fuckin' dog.

You're a dog, you dog-head piss-fart!

Oh, whatever.

You know, i heard you were a bit of a fuck-up.

But I gotta tell you, I'm frankly amazed

at how much of a fuck-up you actually are.

Am I missin' something here?

Well, it would seem so.

But you know, why don't you call Louis

and he'll explain everything to you.

Uh, I, uh...

I don't know that i know any Louis.

Well, then I guess he hasn't called you

to tell you he doesn't trust you

with a task of this magnitude.

That he feels the stakes are too high.

- Nope. - "nope."

Well, then I guess he also probably hasn't called to tell you

that he'd feel much more comfortable if there were two independent, unacquainted,

perhaps even mutually hostile contractors working on this,

so they could keep an eye on one another?

Nope.

You know what, there's no reason for you to take my word

for precisely how second-rate he considers you.

It'd probably make both our lives a lot easier

if you just heard it directly from him.

[Phone ringing]

That's good stuff. I had that today.

Excuse me one minute.

Sure.

Louis, you there?

I'm here. What do you want?

Yeah, there's this, uh,

young lady here trying to tell me that--

all right, this thing is monumental, ok?

Certainly too big for a jerk-off like yourself,

but today, I had no choice.

(Louis) this thing represents my ass and my future.

I want you to work with her and I want you

to watch her as she will be watching you.

I want you to know

that I will personally excoriate anyone responsible

for the tiniest fuck-up in this action.

And I want you to understand that.

Yes, Louis.

"Yes, Louis"?

Do you happen to know what "excoriate" means?

Uh...

It's not comin' to me at the moment.

It means "to strip or wear off the skin of,

to flay."

Now, I'm learning a word a day.

And it's critical to use these words in conversation,

but that's not why I used it in this conversation.

In this conversation i used it because I meant it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Ok.

Now don't get yourself all tied in a knot.

Ok? I don't know this guy,

and he doesn't know me.

But my reputation apparently is pretty solid.

So why don't you just get yourself straight,

and we can put this whole thing behind us.

And if you have any decaffeinated or herbal tea,

I would really be most appreciative.

- I want tea. - Two teas.

Let me tell you somethin', ok?

I don't know who the fuck you think you are,

but I don't work like this.

You got that?

If you wanna talk about reputations,

and if by some fuckin' miracle long shot

you haven't heard of my reputation,

let me tell you who the fuck I am.

I am the fuckin' sultan of slick, Sadie.

I am the rule of fuckin' cool.

You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug?

You sit at my fuckin' feet.

Gather the pearls that emanate forth from me.

Because I'm the fuckin' original,

straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack

fuckin' hustler, original gangster's gangster.

I don't know what you're talkin' about,

but I'm gonna go and get my stuff.

And don't you worry your little gangster's gangster head about it,

I can manage.

[Door closing]

How many cups of your own spit

do you think you swallow every day, Larry?

I think about 35 cups.

Would you just shut the fuck up.

You're an idiot!

- What is it with you? - No, you!

What, you just go in and out, right?

You're an idiot.

What the fuck are you talkin' about?

You're the fuck, you stupid duck-fuck.

Why don't you do me a favor and just act fuckin' normal for a minute.

- Looks like-- - just for a minute.

You'll end up with Elliot over there.

I know you understand what I'm talkin' about. Just fuckin' be normal, ok.

I'm telling you--

not fuckin' crazy! Normal!

How about if I smack you in the fuckin' head, huh?

- Hey! leave him alone. What are you doin'?

We're supposed to watch him, not slap him around.

Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.

Well, how about this? You leave him alone or I'll kill you.

Oh, you'll kill me, huh?

Fu-fuck you! Go ahead.

I'll kill you.

Don't-- you don't tell me what to do. Ok?

Don't tell me what we might do.

Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.

Don't tell me what we maybe should do.

Don't ever tell me nothin'!

Well, I'll tell you this,

you leave him alone or I'll kill you.

I'm gonna say 35 cups.

I'm gonna say 35 cups of spit.

I'm a genius. I'm a genius, mon.

[Chuckling]

What's he talkin' about?

I don't know.

Look, why don't we try and make this pleasant.

Ok?

Nice.

Easy.

So, what do you normally hire out for?

I do jobs of various types.

How about yourself?

Me, too.

I do various types of jobs of various kinds.

Well, there you have it.

How come I never seen you around before?

I'm from another place.

W-where would that be, ricki?

Somewhere else, Larry.

Oh. ok. I see.

And my name's not really ricki.

And what would it be, then?

Then how about i keep callin' you ricki just to piss you off?

If it'll make you happy.

Yeah, it will.

This isn't very good food.

Too bad. That's your dinner. Eat it.

- I'm hungry. - Fuck.

- I'm hungry. - He said he's hungry.

So? let him eat his food. He got food.

- I don't like this food. - Too bad!

Eat your food, stupid!

Hey! back off!

God! it's not his fault.

Yeah, it's not my fault I'm brain-damaged.

[Laughing]

Beautiful.

What are you, his shop steward?

Listen to me, you fucking retard, eat your--

-hey! enough! -Not enough!

- What is your problem? - Let me tell you somethin'.

In every relationship there's a bull and a cow.

It just so happens that in this relationship right here with me and you,

I'm the bull, you're the cow.

All right? Bull. Cow.

You got that?

Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.

You want to make him somethin' else to eat,

be my guest. Otherwise, mind your business.

I wanna go home.

You can't go home.

I wanna go home.

You can't go home right now! Eat your food!

Piss you! I want to go home!

[Chuckling]

How you gonna go to the baywatch tomorrow

if you go home?

This is your spot. Yeah?

It's nice. Come on. Lie down.

All right.

This is a couch.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

It's a good sleeping place. Lie down.

Larry, read to me.

What?

Read to me, Larry.

Read to him, Larry.

I don't wanna read to him.

What do I got to read to him for?

Read to me, Larry.

What for?

It soothes me down.

It soothes you down?

Oh, come on, Larry, read to him.

What am I gonna read? I got nothin' here.

Read him a book.

You don't have a book?

I got a phone book.

There you go.

Read to me, Larry.

All right, fine.

Here you go.

"Since 1868.

"For well over a century,

"the adventurous flavor of tabasco sauce

has fired up generations of thrill-seekers."

Ok?

That was good.

Read to me more.

Uh, "its all-natural ingredients

"and unique aging process in white oak barrels

"keep tabasco on the culinary cutting edge.

"Try it on eggs, pizza, salads, and any other food

for a burst of flavor that will tantalize your taste buds."

- That's it. - Read to me more.

No, that's it. I'm not readin' the ingredients. I'm done.

Ok, thank you, Larry.

Sure.

[Switch clicks]

Tell you what, no offense,

you don't look like any contractor i ever met.

Well... apparently,

there's a need for all types.

So, listen.

You know, uh,

I was thinking about what you said before,

about us being stuck in this situation.

There's nothin' we can do.

I think you're right.

We might as well make the best of it.

I think so.

So, you know, look, don't take this the wrong way,

believe me.

But I just... This is, you know...

I hate to see you sleep on the floor like that.

I mean, come on.

So if you want to,

you can go ahead and just, you know,

just take half of my bed. And, uh...

You know, 'cause look, we're workin' together. We're grownups, right?

You know, we're partners. We'll just, you know,

just, you know, do the whole thing professionally.

Well, that's...

That's very kind of you. Thank you.

I mean, I'd love to.

You know, professionally.

Please.

How's that professionally?

Huh? you like that?

That's professional. Right here.

Bull. cow.

That's how that works.

[Thudding]

There's your bull right there!

There's your bull.

There's the horn.

You fuck with the bull,

you get the horn.

[Thudding]

That's professional.

Fuckin' professional.

Look at that.

That's the bull. Right.

Get the bull by the horn.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

I'll give you the horn.

Want to see the horn?

Want to see the horn?

[Sighing]

[Fake yawning]

You know,

you're actually a very attractive woman.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, this may be a good time to suggest

that you not allow the seeds of cruel hope to sprout in your soul.

I don't know what that means,

but it sounds beautiful.

It means you're not my type.

Is that right?

What about me is not your type?

Your penis.

What does that mean?

It means I'm gay.

It means I'm a lesbian.

But I got to tell you, if I wasn't...

I mean, after a first date like this,

I'd find it really hard

not to just get under the covers

and do you big-time right now.

Good night.

"Good night"?

Good night.

(Man on t.V.) Whoa, step-papa. With that sassy new look,

sheep's all that and a bag of chips.

(Woman) Melbourne's forecast:

The chance of a brief shower tomorrow,

but we're expecting a mostly fine day

with a light-to-moderate southwestwardly wind.

- Who the fuck are you talkin' to? - Ow!

Sydney also fine and 18.

- Brisbane, showers... - Give me that back, please.

- Sunny, 32. - Give me that back.

Adelaide and Hobart both mainly fine days tomorrow...

You know how much this shit costs?

[Man chattering on t.V.]

It's $5.

No, it's not $5.

It's $10.

No, it's...

[Woman chattering on t.V.]

Why am I even talking to you for?

It's $10.

Yeah, it's $10. All right.

Hey.

Just wanted to tell you, you know,

just get straight about that thing last night.

You know, no hard feelings.

You know what I mean?

I don't want you to get upset or nothin'.

[Laughs]

That's--that's it. D-don't be comin' back, though.

I mean, it's a one-time offer.

One shot with me. I'm out.

[Knocking on door]

Are you expecting somebody?

[Doorbell ringing]

(Man) come on!

Larry!

[Pounding on door] Shit!

It's your mother.

Fuck! it's a cop.

(Man) open the door!

(Brian) hey! I was watching that. Shh! Be quiet.

(Man) i hear you sneakin' around.

Go in this room. Go. I want you to stay here.

Don't come out. Don't say anything. You understand me?

We're going to baywatch today?

- Yeah. soon. Stay here. Be quiet. - Ok.

(Man) come on, I'm dying here! - Coming!

Larry, I have a chicken. [Inaudible]

[Pounding on door]

What?

Your door's not thick enough to pretend

you're not home when you're home.

What's up?

I was in the neighborhood.

[Door closing]

How are you today?

Just fine. Yourself?

Just fine.

I'm searching for news on the underground.

Might you know what it is I'm getting at?

No.

No. well...

This is one of those mysterious cases.

Unsolvable. probably turn out to be an alien abduction,

but you know we're obligated

to at least create the appearance of due diligence.

What?

I didn't say nothin'.

Oh yeah.

You know, your friend...

Louis,

his supervisor back in the home office

is about to fold his napkin, right?

Sorry?

Starkman, in New York.

He's through.

Looking at huge federal time.

Big, ugly, dark dungeon underground.

No chance of parole, never ever.

Time.

Yep. I'm sorry to say.

I hear he's a good guy, but, you know...

In any event, here's my problem,

and if you know any of this,

feel free, jump in, shut me up.

This federal prosecutor out here,

the one with starkman's testicular matter clutched in his fist,

this very federal prosecutor's little brother...

Any of this sound familiar?

To me? No.

No. well...

This very federal prosecutor's little brother,

a bit dopey from what I gather,

may have been absconded with,

which, as you can imagine, would be

to the dismay of our prosecutor.

I think...

But I could be wrong about this,

because it's almost too stupid for a mind to grasp.

But I think maybe someone

in your professional community

might be participating in these shenanigans

to, I don't know,

help squeeze a little friendship,

altruism, whatever,

out of this particular federal official.

Maybe in the hopes that starkman

will wake up

one morning...

Wake up one morning to find all charges mysteriously dropped.

The school of thought amongst my colleagues

is that this kid is already way out of town.

I alone am of the opposite school.

I think he's still here. That's what I think.

But what's important is what you think.

What do you think?

As a friend who's got his ear to the street.

Seriously.

- I never... you know-- - I know.

You don't know nothin'.

I can tell just by lookin' at you.

The whole thing's probably alien abduction,

like I said before.

Man, you know what I'd love to do

right now?

Go down to Marie callender's,

get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it.

Mmm-hmm.

Good.

Put some on your head,

your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it.

Interested?

Sure?

Yeah, I'm trying to get in shape, you know.

Say no more.

Look,

thanks for the hospitality.

It can't be the most pleasant thing

to have your privacy be intruded on.

Maybe if you hear anything, you'll let me know?

Yeah, you know, if I hear anything.

Yeah, I'll let you know.

- All right. - Yup.

A federal fuckin' prosecutor!

Fuck!

Larry?

I'll come back now, ok?

What are you doin'? I told you to...

- I'm hungry. - We got nothin' to eat.

I'm hungry, though.

A federal fuckin' prosecutor.

My brother's a federal fuckin' "prostitutor."

You don't say.

Put this on.

Did you know about all that stuff?

No, not all of it.

Maybe we should check into a hotel.

Fuck that. I live here. This is my place.

No one's gettin' me out of my place. Put this on, too.

I'm hungry. I wanna eat now.

I heard you the first fuckin' five times, Brian. Come on.

Come on.

Stop fuckin' around.

When are we gettin' to the baywatch?

- What? what's that? You hear that? - No.

What is that? It's the walkie-talkie again.

Hello?

What?

You got to be kidding me. Again?

What's the deal with these guys?

How long? Maybe tomorrow? Ok.

Hey, kick those guys in the ass for me, will you?

Those fuckin' guys. All right. Talk to you later.

Yeah, give us a call back.

Unbelievable.

You believe that? The baywatch is closed today. Again.

- They're closed? - Yeah, I talked to 'em.

They--they said they're workin' on the problem, but, you know,

they don't know how long it's gonna be.

What is the baywatch?

It's where all the beautiful girls are.

They swim.

They swim there.

You're talkin' about the t.V. Show?

No, you-- not t.V. That's t.V.

The baywatch is where they really are.

They're really there.

I think you could be friends there.

I think that's where the sex is.

I think so.

I think that's where the sex is.

[Demagogue by urban dance squad playing]

♪ I kick the music so hard ♪

♪ people get injuries ♪

♪ step to me ♪

♪ be a big stitch m.C. ♪

♪ Lyrics I chop ♪

♪ kick skills like Jackie chan ♪

♪ many props loot ♪

♪ gladly pay the tax man ♪

♪ flex plans ♪

♪ leave bodybags full of men ♪

Hey, you wanna turn that down?

You fuckin' turn it down.

♪ Plus the squad ♪

♪ took sometime off with the wild funk, so what? ♪

I don't think this is the best time

to be drawing attention to ourselves.

♪ Like the Beastie Boys, the funky demagogue ♪

Hey, beavis, turn the fuckin' radio off.

What the fuck is your problem, bitch?

♪ Hear the demagogue, funky demagogue ♪

"Bitch"?

You know what, creating a scene right now

would be a bad thing.

♪ Check a look-alike, wanna see a joke ♪

Yeah, that's right. Why don't you come over here,

so we can kick your ass.

(Boy #1) What happened?

Let me. Ok?

♪ Styles not really matched up ♪

Go ahead.

♪ Pushed 'n dressed up ♪

You know, what you boys need

is to develop better people skills.

However, in the meantime...

♪ Called New York ♪

♪ you got beef ♪

Excuse me.

♪ Foul like a pig on a bum ♪

( Turns off music )

You ever heard of tai moi chai?

No. ok.

In traditional tai moi chai,

there are 5 levels of digital orb extrusion.

That's the gouging out of your opponent's eyeball

with one's finger.

Now,

the highest and most difficult to master

is my personal favorite:

Kai toi mai.

Loosely translated, that's "the rip that takes the past."

Now, once the thumb liquefies the eye,

it is deftly and immediately replaced by the forefinger.

Deep thrust, hooking around and securing the ocular nerve

and then removing it with such force

as to bring with it, by suction,

a vital portion of the visual cortex.

The part of the brain, as I'm sure you may know,

that stores visual memory.

Now,

the extraordinary element of this move,

the genius of it,

the--the--the absolute poetry of it

is that, aside from the obvious wound,

one's opponent is left with no memory of anything he has ever seen.

Family, friends, nothing.

Hence, Kai toi mai:

"The rip that takes the past."

As you can imagine, very difficult

to practice here in the United States

but, I felt, well worth the trips to the Chang rai province.

People skills.

See, knowing how to properly judge character,

knowing how and when to make a move,

in short, knowing who to and who not to fuck with.

These are things you boys are gonna wanna work on

in the future. Ok?

Oh, and one more thing:

Sports are all well and good,

but very hard to earn a living at.

So I want you guys to study hard,

and keep your grades up, all right?

Ok? everyone, yes?

(All) yes.

Ok. good.

Brian, let's go.

Nice computer.

Here's suck-my-dick.Com.

Hey, so can you really do all that kung fu shit

you said back there with the--the eye and that?

No.

That was all bullshit, huh?

Yep.

Sun tzu said that, in a war,

the best victory is that which requires no battle.

Is this some more bullshit now I'm gettin'?

- No. - who's sun tzu?

A Chinese military theoretician who pointed out

that in a conflict, getting angry,

which you seem to do a lot of,

is a tactically and strategically stupid move.

It clouds your ability to reason.

It gives your adversary the upper hand.

You wanna cloud your adversary's ability to reason,

thus gaining the upper hand yourself.

Whatever.

You know what? Given how unhappy you seem to be,

I can see how that wouldn't be

the easiest thing for you to do.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just that.

I mean,

when men are little boys,

they're--they're encouraged not to cry,

not to show their sadness,

so they're forced to find other ways to let those feelings out.

And as I'm sure you know,

fighting and getting angry

are much more acceptable male behaviors.

So when these little boys grow up,

guess what outlet they use to express their sadness.

A guy who's miserable at work or depressed about his life

comes home at the end of the day, what does he do?

He doesn't usually cry in front of the wife and kids.

He usually yells at them.

So, Larry...

What?

What is it exactly you're so sad about?

[Snickers]

No, I'm serious.

[Phone ringing]

Yo.

Yeah.

What about your friend?

Mrs. Leonard. Whatever her name is.

Look, I can't right now, I'm sorry.

It's not a good time.

It's not a good time, ma, that's why.

No.

Ok, ok. All right.

All right!

Ok, what do you want, blood?

I said ok. I'm comin' over, all right?

I'll be right over there.

I got to, uh, make a quick detour.

You can stay in the car.

(Mother) oh, easy. A little lower.

(Larry) right here?

A little bit higher.

A little lower.

- - Ma. a little lower!

All right, right-- ohh, god.

Look, ma, if Mrs. Leonard isn't around,

you're gonna have to call a doctor sometimes.

I can't just drop everything and show up here all the time, ok?

What, and I didn't drop everything for you?

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Larry,

"i can't change your diaper now.

You're gonna have to call Mrs. Leonard."

[Knocking on door]

- Let me just-- - let me. Hold on.

What?

He's got to pee.

I got to pee, Larry.

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

I thought you'd prefer it if we came in

rather than take the car somewhere.

Wouldn't want you to think we lammed out on you.

Besides, I want to meet your mother.

[Scoffing] no.

(Mother) Larry, are those friends of yours?

Yeah, close personal.

- Well, invite them in.

- I got to pee, Larry.

- Larry, invite them in!

I am, ma, all right?

(Mother) well,

[chuckling]

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

My god.

What a beauty.

Ma.

What? I'm just sayin'.

You should see some of the pigs he's brought by.

I mean, not that they were pigs, per se.

It's just that, by and large,

they were what I would call insignificant women.

You, I could tell right off the bat,

you seem to be of some substance.

Excuse me, miss, where's the men's room?

Oh, right this way, darlin'.

Larry, she's gorgeous.

Don't you fuck this one up.

(Mother) so, what is your story, honey?

(Brian) I'm Larry's friend.

Don't, don't pay no attention to her.

She thinks I'm beautiful.

Yeah. she's blind in one eye, though.

Open the door.

You all right in there?

So this is where you grew up?

Are you writin' a book?

- [Sighing] - ma.

Oh, shut up. I didn't say anything.

I think you two make a very cute couple, though.

- Ma. - what?

What's with the "ma, ma, ma, ma, ma"?

Stop already with the "ma."

So, tell me,

- are you and Larry sweethearts? - Ma!

Before you answer, let me say up front

that I hope so.

What? yes, I hope so.

What's so terrible about "i hope so"?

Yeah? guess what.

What?

She's a lesbian.

Never mind.

She's been with fellas before.

Am I right, darlin'?

Huh?

(Ricki) you're right.

But sometimes they have their limitations.

Am I right?

Yeah.

[Both laughing]

What are you two talkin' about?

Oh, never mind.

We know what we're talkin' about.

Am I right, sweetheart?

You're right.

You know,

I wasn't always just Larry's mother.

Mmm, I used to be

quite experimental.

- Oh, Jesus Christ! - Look at him!

Look who's not up-to-the-minute now.

- Big boy. - That's it. We're goin'.

Brian, come on. We're goin'. That's it. Ma, what the...

All right, all right. Just remember, you two,

life's not just black-and-white.

All right, ma, we'll remember that. Brian, let's go.

We're goin' now. We're goin'. Let's go.

Come here, you big lug, give me a kiss.

- I love you. - Yeah.

- I washed my hands, Larry. - Congratulations. Let's go.

- Goodbye. - come here, darlin'.

[Sighing]

I feel like i know you already.

- Very nice meeting you. - It's my pleasure.

All right, we're goin'. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go, Brian.

Just remember, you two, keep an open mind

because you never know.

- We will. - Bye. - Bye.

(Ricki) i like her, she's very nice.

(Larry) oh, man.

(Woman on phone) On the satellite map, the cloud over queensland

and new south wales is bringing showers,

and there's very little activity

over the rest of the continent.

But there is some low-level cloud over Southern Victoria

which will bring isolated showers mainly to coastal areas.

Another chilly night in Melbourne's outer suburbs with the Mercury...

Hey. what are you doing now?

...and avalon falling as low...

Brian, I told you, this is very expensive.

It's not expensive.

Don't argue with me.

What--what are-- why are you doing this?

What do you care about the weather in fucking england for?

It's in Australia.

- Whatever. - it's not england.

Whatever, Brian. Why do you keep calling there?

'Cause I really, really like her voice.

Ok. try to keep it under control, though.

All right?

Ok, Larry, I'll try.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Exhaling]

So I'm not your type, huh?

How did we get back there all of a sudden?

Relax.

You're more woman than I know what to do with.

I don't need to be dippin' into the sisterhood.

But I'm just curious, because all of a sudden now

you say you've been with guys.

I have.

But they have their, uh, shortcomings...

Well, besides the fact that they give terrible head.

See, right there, that tells me something.

I know the guys you've been with obviously didn't know

how to, uh, how to bring home the pearls

when they were diving for oysters.

I was actually just joking.

Eh, well, since we're letting it all hang out now,

let me tell you something else.

Ok, when it comes to pleasing a woman,

your girlfriends, they're just...

They're at a natural disadvantage.

It's like they might try hard,

but they're just not backed up

with millions of years of genetic engineering,

programming, instinct.

(Larry) nature has evolved man for that purpose.

Satisfy.

Lead the pack.

That's why these lesbians are always going out buying, you know,

spending all their dough on, like, you know,

sexual appliances, erotic monkey wrenches and shit,

trying to compensate

for what they don't have. What they're not getting.

The penis.

(Larry) that's right.

Its very design tells you everything you need to know.

Forward motion.

With advancements.

Fucking progress into the dark, deep,

mysterious unknown.

It's like adventure-seeking,

frontier-conquering,

obstacle-eradicating.

Whoa. and you tried to create the impression you didn't read books.

Well, you're settling for second best.

That's all I'm saying.

So, in review,

you're saying that it's men

that are at the top of the must-fuck pyramid?

That's all I'm telling you.

Loving, caring,

sensitive, giving men. - That's right.

[Exhaling] well, you're entitled to your opinion.

But let us reconsider women for a minute. Shall we?

Sure.

Their form:

Neck. shoulders.

Legs.

Hips.

I think pretty cool.

Now, as far as your famous

penis goes...

The penis is like some sort of

bizarre sea slug

or like a really long toe.

I mean, it's handy, important, even.

But the pinnacle of sexual design?

The top of the list of erotic destinations?

I don't think so.

One's first impulse is to kiss what?

To kiss the lips.

Firm, delicious lips.

Sweet lips.

Surrounding a warm, moist,

dizzyingly scented mouth.

That's what everyone wants to kiss.

Not a toe. Not a sea slug.

A mouth.

Now, why do you think that is, stupid?

Because the mouth is the twin sister,

the almost exact look-alike of the what?

Not the toe.

The mouth is the twin sister

of--of the vagina.

And all creatures, big and small,

seek the orifice. The opening.

To--to be taken in, engulfed.

To be squeezed and lovingly crushed by what is truly

the all-powerful, all-encompassing.

Now, if it's design you're concerned with,

hidden meanings, symbolism and power,

well, forget the top of mount Everest.

Forget the bottom of the sea, the moon, the stars.

There is no place, nowhere, that has been the object

of more ambitions, more battles

than the sweet, sacred mystery

between a woman's legs that I am proud to call

my pussy.

So I guess this is just my roundabout way of saying

that it is women who are, in fact, the most desirable form.

[Inhales]

Wouldn't you agree?

I agree.

Mmm.

And so do I.

[Breathes deeply]

[Redial button beeping]

(Louis) hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is somebody there?

Yes.

Who's this?

Who is this?

Who's this?

[Chuckling] who is this?

I don't find this funny.

Who is this?

Is this the retard?

[Chuckling] who is this?

(Larry) Brian, what are you doing now?

Give me the fucking phone.

Hello?

Who the fuck is this?

Who the fuck is this?

What the fuck is going on over there?

Nothing. sorry, Louis.

- We're not getting the desired movement here.

We're stepping up the operation.

First thing in the morning, i want you to send his thumb

to James dorf... Are you listening to this?

- Yeah. - good.

To James dorf at the U.S. courthouse on spring street.

Hold on one second. Go--go in the other room.

Go in the other room in the back.

Go in the back.

I'm talking on the phone. Go in the back.

What do you mean? How do I send his thumb?

You cut it the fuck off. You take it to boxes 'r' us

or whatever the fuck it is, you put the appropriate postage on it,

and that's how you send it.

And send it express next-day delivery.

And make sure you kindly refrain

from providing a return address, you fucking dummy.

I mean...

You want me to cut his thumb off?

Oh, it's enough already. Put the clam-licker on.

Hold on. W-w-wait a minute.

Wh-wh-what about, like, you know, the bleeding and the--

I can't believe I'm having this conversation with a professional.

You want I should send people there to help you? They'll take your thumb, too.

I'm not saying that.

I do not like the habit of hiring you

and then having to hire someone else

to make sure you do your job right.

- Do your fucking job right! - Ok.

I'm getting tired of this.

[Switches off phone]

Larry.

What?

Can I stay here with you?

No.

[Sighs]

Time for you to go to bed anyways.

- I don't wanna go to bed. - Go to bed.

If I tell you to go to bed, go to bed.

I don't wanna go to bed, though.

(Larry) "new. our best charmin ever.

"Charmin ultra double roll.

"Twice as many sheets as regular charmin ultra.

Unscented bathroom tissue. 170 square feet."

Blah, blah, blah. "4.5 inches by 4.0 inches."

And they got it in centimeters or whatever.

It's the same shit on the back. All right?

Good night. - Good night, Larry.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

[Switch clicks]

[Sighs]

What are your friends like?

I don't really have friends.

Well, who do you hang out with?

Nobody.

Why do I think you're not exaggerating?

I just keep to myself. I go about my business, you know.

Do my work.

A charming, loveable guy like yourself? You should get out more.

I'm sure there's a ton of straight women

who you could make very happy.

Louis wants us to cut the kid's thumb off.

[Hip-hop] ♪ this is a story about the drifter ♪

♪ who waited through the worst for the best in crosstown ♪

♪ who never planned on havin' so dick ♪

♪ why me, huh? ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right, all right ♪

♪ everything's gonna be all right, all right ♪

♪ everything's gonna be all right now all right ♪

♪ everything's gonna be all right, all right ♪

♪ I couldn't get a job nappy hair was not allowed ♪

♪ my mother couldn't afford us all she had to throw me out ♪

♪ I walked the strip which is a clip who wanna hit? ♪

♪ They got 'em quick, i had to eat this money's good as spent ♪

♪ I threw in graves, i wasn't paid, enough ♪

♪ I kept 'em long 'cause I couldn't afford a haircut ♪

♪ I got laughed at, i got chumped, i got dissed ♪

♪ I got upset, i got a tec and a banana clip ♪

♪ why when I was a kid and played out was a sad one ♪

♪ and always wanted to live like just a fat one ♪

Let me give shouts to all my homies!

Mrs. Friedman. Lily.

Mr. mossman and the man he plays cards with.

Forgot his name.

♪ A ghetto bastard, born into the projects... ♪

And all my peeps at--at Wilshire adult care.

Everybody in the cafeteria. Big ups, big ups!

What's up to my man Larry. And ricki.

Yo, yo, yo. Peace, "g."

[Brian chuckles]

And the rec room, the rec room!

♪ For every bottle sold-- ♪

[Music stops]

I got neighbors, you know.

Digame sabrosa.

- What's that? - It's espanol.

What does it mean?

I don't know.

[Knocking at door]

See that?

[Chuckling] don't be a playa hater, "g."

Yeah?

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are you?

Excuse me.

Wow.

What a shithole.

Lady, I think you're in the wrong place.

No, you are in the wrong place.

All right? You're in the wrong place.

[Softly] you have no idea.

Oh!

And who the fuck are you?

You're the fuck are you.

- What? - huh?

What are you doing here?

[Gasps] I'm stalking you.

Wait a minute, you know her?

First of all, do not say my name in this room. All right?

Second of all, you're out of line.

This is a professional situation,

and you have no right to intrude here.

What kind of professional situation?

I can't believe this.

A fucking man?

Ok. i--i really thought this was all about Sharon.

What, are you telling people where we are now?

Mind your own fucking business.

- Shut the fuck up. - Blow me.

Listen, both of you shut up!

Look, I haven't told anybody where we are.

And, Robin,

this is a professional situation.

Our problems have nothing to do with Sharon,

and they have nothing to do with him!

I want you to leave right now!

- No! uh-uh! - Please.

I'm not leaving, he's leaving.

What? who the fuck do you think you are?

I fucking live here. I'm not going anywhere.

Yeah? well, neither am I.

Gonna be all there is to that.

Why are you doing this?

How about if i throw you the fuck out?

How about if I roundhouse you

upside your fat fucking head and collapse your skull?

I don't know. Give it a shot.

No, don't. Because she knows how to do that stuff, ok?

- Don't be all macho-- i don't give a fuck what she knows!

This ain't fucking lesbian talk-circle time!

We got something to do. You're getting the fuck out.

Got it? - I mean, this?

You--you need this?

You need, like, a little freedom or something?

You wanna dabble? We can all fuck.

You know, we can all have sex together, that's fine.

What do you say, hot rocks? Would you like that, huh?

- I'd say you're fucking out of your mind. - You know you want it.

Look, our situation has nothing to do with him.

It's over. - [Gasps]

And it's not him. It's us, honey.

That's right, it's not you, it's her. Whatever.

Just shut up for one second! God! Fuck!

This has nothing to do with him.

[Sobs]

It's just, we're over.

No, we're not over.

We'll--we'll all set up together, the three of us,

till you get this out of your system.

Baby, you're not hearing me.

I'm fucking hearing you. Ok?

I'm fucking hearing you!

God damn it!

See, I'm gonna kill myself right now and you care,

you care because you love me. - That's a nice girl.

Shut the fuck up, all right!

Hey, what--

oh, my god. - What the fuck is that?

What did you...

- Oh, no. Oh, no. - [Whooping]

(Ricki) what did you do?

- This hot enough for you, baby?

- Get away from me. - You want some?

- Sit down. - What's wrong with you?!

- Oh, my god. - What the fuck is this?

Lady, you need some band-aids.

(Larry) this must be mental-fucking-illness week.

That woman... Is fucking beautiful.

[Chuckling] yes.

She's like the ones at the baywatch.

Yes.

They make my penis sneeze.

[Laughs]

You got a good sense of humor, you know that?

God bless you.

- Thank you. - No, not you, stupid.

When my penis sneezes, i say, "god bless you."

God bless you, penis.

[Snorts]

She's gonna be ok.

Oh, what a relief.

Brian, would you excuse us?

I wanna talk to Larry for a minute. Ok?

You be all right in the car?

- Yeah. - ok, good.

I just...

I gotta tell you, I'm not up for this thumb deal.

I say we don't do it.

You trying to test me?

Is that it? You wanna see if I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do?

No.

So, what are you, a contractor with a conscience?

Look, I've done some bad things,

but I didn't sign on to this to be a brutal street thug.

Because far as I'm concerned, that's not the job I took.

How would you get around it?

I'd work it out.

But first I got to know, are you with me?

Sure.

Sure or yes?

That's the same thing.

No, it's not the same thing.

See, if I were to ask you to move my couch for me,

you'd probably say, "sure."

But if I were to ask you to look deep into my eyes,

and tell me from the bottom of your heart

if it would give you great pleasure

if I were to suck your cock for 12 hours,

if I may be presumptuous, you'd probably say, "yes."

See, it just implies a different level of commitment.

Ask me the question again.

Ok. are you with me?

Yes.

Good.

- Isn't this "b" level? - This is "d" level. You're not supposed to be here.

Well, I'm looking for "b" level.

No, this is a "d" level and no one is allowed on "d" level.

So you need to go back to "b" level.

Ok, hold on, because you're confusing me, ok?

No, you're confusing me.

Let's just start from the beginning.

If this isn't "b"--

[gasping] oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

- Oh, that's ok. - I'm sorry.

Shh.

(Ricki) just soak that in cold water and it'll come right out, ok?

I promise you. Yes. No, it will. It will.

Look, the thing is, the reason I'm here

is they told me to go around the corner...

- Close your eyes. - What?

[Whispering] close your eyes. Follow me.

Just walk in. Close your eyes. Don't look.

(Larry) come on. Go, go, go. You're fine.

- Can I open them? - No. Stand right here.

- It's cold in here. - Shh.

Don't look at nothin', all right?

Can I open 'em?

No.

Stay turned around.

Smells like my grandmother's.

[Rustling]

What was that?

It's nothin'.

[Creaking]

[Hacking]

[Chuckling]

♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ the other brothers can't deny ♪

♪ when the girls walk in with an itty-bitty waist ♪

♪ and round things in your face ♪

♪ you get sprung wanna pull up tough ♪

♪ 'cause you notice that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ 'cause I'm long, and I'm strong ♪

♪ and I'm down to get the friction on ♪

♪ so, ladies, yeah ladies, yeah ♪

♪ you wanna roll in my Mercedes? Yeah? ♪

♪ So turn around stick it out ♪

♪ even white boys got to shout ♪

♪ baby got back! ♪

♪ [Humming] ♪

♪ baby got back! ♪

♪ [Humming] ♪

[Laughing]

That's an old-school-- that's an old-school song.

You're old-school, too, Larry. You're old-school.

[Larry snorts] [Crackling]

So we got an item that we wanna package ourselves and, uh, you know...

- Mail out. - Ok.

So could we just get, like, an envelope from you?

What size would you like?

Just the top, right--

- six by nine. - Yeah.

So, all right.

- We're done, right? - Mmm-hmm.

That's it.

All right, then.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

Thanks.

[Paper crackling]

Would you like your parcel insured?

[Chuckles]

No, that's all right.

I'll be right back.

Friend of yours?

Close personal.

[Slams door]

[Starts car]

You know something? You're right.

It is sadness. It's sadness, and I'm fucking sad.

You got me.

You're a genius.

You know why I'm fucking sad?

Because I got this fucking

beautiful, sexy, gorgeous

heartthrob-o-rama, fucking smart, amazing bombshell,

17-on-a-fucking-10-scale girl

sleeping in a bed right next to me.

(Larry) and you know what?

She's a stone-cold dyke.

A fucking untouchable,

unhaveable, unattainable brick wall

fucking dykeasaurus rexi.

So it's sad, ok?

What do you want me to do?

I feel fucking sadness about that.

There's nothing i can fucking do.

And not only is she a major babe,

but I really like this girl a lot.

A lot.

I mean, she's not like anybody else i ever knew before,

and that's a completely fucking new one on me.

And I don't even know her real fucking name.

So there you go.

Oh, and in case you're interested, my life sucks.

All right? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

[Laughing]

[Squeaking from t.V.]

Clean the bar all you like.

I'm just gonna puke on it again.

(Ape #1) Oh, you got me.

(Ape #2) Oh! I got you! Oh!

[Keys jingling]

Do you think your fingernails need trimming?

They're fine.

What? you don't like my fingernails now?

Look, I have no idea if this is true or not, but I've heard it said

that those who are balanced

more toward the masculine of either sex

check their fingernails this way.

And those balanced more toward the feminine

check them that way.

And I just had a feeling that even though

you have this tough guy thing going on, that you...

Are wrestling with some very strong feminine leanings.

(Larry) that's fuckin' bullshit.

I--i can't see. I'm farsighted.

Nearsighted. whatever it is.

So I hold 'em out here, but I can't see 'em up close.

You wanna find out how somebody's balanced toward a masculine, look at me.

I can't see. That's why I hold 'em far away.

- [Chuckling] all right. - Yeah, it is all right.

No, all right, all right. All right.

I was gonna go like this,

that's what I wanna do. But I know I can't see,

so I hold them out there to look at 'em.

All right.

Don't give me that look. I see you looking at me.

Are you gay?

What the fuck.

No! I'm not gay!

I am not gay. Why do you look at me and think I'm gay?

I am not fucking gay!

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fuckin' sure.

You know what, i bet you're right.

- Thank you. - It wasn't a compliment.

Ricki, whatever your real name is, all right, this is my eyes.

Look--look--look how I'm acting.

You're driving me crazy.

You, like, fuckin' give me a fuckin' h-h-headache.

I don't even know why i had a crush on you

back a long time when I first met you,

that you really cured me of.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you know I can kick your ass.

Maybe that turns you on.

You cannot kick my ass.

Ow!

What?

[Chuckles]

You--you need a woman.

I got one.

Ow! stop.

Kiss me again.

I thought you wanted to be my bitch.

This is so fucked up.

Where you goin'?

It's Turkey time.

Huh?

Gobble, gobble.

What?

Now, you talk the talk,

you know I'm expecting you to walk the walk.

Come on. Show me what

I've been missing my whole life.

Lay some of that sweet heterolingus on me.

I think, uh,

to be serious... - Mmm?

I just... You know, I think...

I was thinking, you know, and you were right

when you said, you know, probably, actually a woman might know more

about what feels better to another woman.

She's a woman herself.

A guy might be at a certain disadvantage.

You know, like, uh...

It's like, you need, like, a handicap.

You know, like golf.

Shut up and get over here.

Oh! [laughing]

God bless you, penis.

What'd you say?

Nothin'.

Every relationship has a bull and a cow, huh?

That's right.

Mmmmmmoooo!

Just to be up front about all this...

- Mmm?

- When this gig is over,

I want you to know that I'm gonna be leaving.

[Phone ringing]

[Rings]

- Yeah? - (louis) Listen,

you and Trixie over there, meet me at Beverly and lomitas.

Louis, what's going on?

And don't bring the thing.

- The what? - The thing.

- Don't bring the thing. - What thing?

The thing! Don't bring-- don't bring it.

- Oh, you mean the, uh... - Yeah. Don't bring it.

You leave it somewhere safe for the time being.

- All right. - You understand?

- Yeah, I understand, i understand.

- And hurry up, jackass.

[Phone clicks]

What?

It's Louis. He's fuckin' pissed.

(Larry) see this? Some cookies in there.

We'll be back.

- When are you coming back? - Soon.

Just relax, eat your breakfast. Ok?

I'm not hungry, though.

Well, you can't skip breakfast.

It's a very important meal. All right?

Don't go nowhere. Don't touch nothing.

Don't make any phone calls. I'm not kidding.

All right, Larry.

All right. See you later.

Bye, ricki.

Bye, Brian.

What?

Nothin'.

You know, i got this, uh, fantasy.

About making it with a guy?

[Snorts, laughs] No.

[Laughing]

That's not it.

Going somewhere, you know, like, somewhere really,

really, uh...Clean.

Clean?

Yeah.

No scumbags telling you what to do.

Nobody yelling at you all the time.

Someplace you could just be.

[Birds chirping]

Be yourself.

No bad stuff.

That sounds good.

What's up?

We have a visitor from New York.

Follow me.

[Starts engine]

Hello.

Welcome. nice to meet you.

- Hello, sir. - Finally.

Nice to meet you, too.

Come. wow, look at you. Beautiful.

Come on in. Here. Grab a couch.

Sit, sit.

I say everything twice. In, in. Sit, sit.

I'm so glad you could come

on such a short notice, too.

Thank you, i really appreciate it. I really...

I thank you.

I appreciate it. Here, I've got some stuff.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a mess,

but I just got in a few hours ago.

I'm sure Louis told you, you know, I'm having, uh,

some little legal problems out here right now.

What are you gonna do? It's a real nuisance,

but what are you gonna do? I got to fight it, right?

I mean, I can't go to jail.

That just can't happen.

Huh? I'm used to the finer things.

Louis, am I right?

You are right.

It can't be. So I think we can say

beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it's not gonna happen.

(Starkman) huh?

Somewhere, a mistake has been made.

Did you know

that apparently some people

do not regard the thumb, technically, to be a finger?

Curious for myself, i turned to Louis here,

who, with his newfound dictionary skills, looked it up for me.

You know what it said?

No.

Tell him what it said, Louis.

[Clears throat]

It said, quote:

"The short, thick, inner digit of the hand

next to the forefinger." Unquote.

Now it said, "digit," not "finger."

So I still don't really know, technically,

if it's considered a finger or not.

Right? - right.

Right. look at him. I love him.

I love this guy. He eats no matter what.

I love you, Louis.

What's this?

What is this? Louis...

I've been subpoenaed.

I can't be consorting with armed felons.

A little consideration, please.

Besides, you think something like this is necessary,

anyway, to intimidate people?

I say intimidation comes from within.

There are a multitude of qualities an individual can possess

that make them intimidating.

Not only this, this is the outside.

Then there's the inside.

But you know what's the most intimidating quality?

Not that you asked.

But the absolutely most intimidating, in my opinion?

When an individual just doesn't give a shit.

Louis, you wanna go to medical school?

Medical school?

[Gasps]

Yes!

Students there can always use something to learn on.

[Wheezing laugh]

I feel like I'm floating.

(Starkman) i feel...

Released.

I don't give a shit.

I don't.

I have no compunctions,

none whatsoever.

And I am very concerned

about the way things have turned out here.

How was the bleeding?

The bleeding?

No, no, no. Not him.

[Wheezing laugh]

The retard, when you cut his thumb off.

Louis, uh, told me you were concerned.

Bleeding was fine.

Fine?

It was all right.

Ok. good.

I didn't need your help, you know.

I could have beaten these charges.

What were you thinking?

You were gonna extort a federal prosecutor.

You thought you could say...

"Kidnapped your little brother, drop all charges,"

and the guy'd roll over?

You didn't think all hell wouldn't break loose?

You didn't think every fucking fed

wouldn't drop whatever they were doing

and dive in to protect one of their own?

What do you morons think,

this is little Italy?!

Wake up!

This is the twenty-fucking-first century!

So now...

Things are bad.

And whether you wanna call a thumb

a finger or a digit,

for the sake of this discussion, it doesn't really matter.

You know why?

Because whatever you choose to call it,

a thumb

has a fingerprint,

and the one you sent

had the wrong fucking one.

Mr. starkman--

I know my fucking name,

you piece of shit!

You don't try to extort

a federal fucking prosecutor!

And if you do,

you don't fuck around!

Fuck this.

Cutting off his thumb was a stupid order

and we would have been derelict in our responsibilities if we had followed it.

Hello.

How long do you think we coulda kept below the radar

with a thumbless, bleeding half-wit?

You see, sometimes

one has to use their professional prerogative

to override a dumb request.

With all due respect,

even at this point if you were to ask us

to pursue a course of action that would be,

let's say, contrary to your best interests,

then as awkward as it might be,

we would have to take exception.

Aside from those of us here in this room,

there is only one person, really,

that can link you to this fuck-up.

And I feel that we should...

Rectify that problem as soon as we can.

I think I'd much prefer just to,

you know,

end it right here.

Hmm.

And that would be your professional prerogative.

If you think that having that kid picked up by the authorities

and telling them all about being kidnapped

in an attempt to save your ass makes any sense.

If you think that's the best tactic to keep you out of jail.

If you think that's any less dumb

than asking to have his finger cut off,

[chuckling] well, then that would be

the thing that you should do.

But if you don't,

then let us take the Thorn out of your side.

Let us make sure that kid will never be

able to testify against anybody.

And if after that you're still not happy,

then we can all talk again.

(Larry) you were kidding, right? - (Ricki) What do you think?

We'll just take Brian back to where you found him and get the hell out of here.

Are we going to the baywatch now?

No, we can't go to the baywatch now.

Take you later.

Maybe this is it. I mean, maybe this is the thing, you know.

Maybe this is, like, a sign coming from nowhere, from out of the blue,

just telling me it's time. It's time to get out.

It's time to do it.

♪ When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall ♪

♪ and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call ♪

♪ telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove ♪

♪ for the first time in my life I could see i need love ♪

♪ so if you know who you are willing to make yourself seen ♪

♪ take a chance with my love and find out what I mean ♪

♪ I need love ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

Brian.

♪ I need love ♪

Let me ask you something.

You got a girlfriend?

No, I don't.

Let me do something for you, ok, 'cause, you know,

to make up for all the problems I caused you.

'Cause I see you're a little-- a little nervous around women.

Right? let me tell you something.

You got no reason to be shy. There's no magic to it.

Let--let me tell you this thing that I heard,

and I'm starting to believe that it's true.

[Chuckling] you know?

It's that, like, the thing you're most afraid of in life,

if you do it, if you step up, good things will happen.

You see a girl that you like that you're scared to talk to,

bro, step up.

Go up to her and say:

"Hi, how are you today? Nice weather we're having." You know, take it from there,

wherever the conversation goes. All right, you try it.

Try it with me. Practice. Go ahead.

Hello, how are you today?

Try it with me. Go ahead. Just say it.

Hello, how are you today?

Come on. Hello. Hello?

Hello.

How are you today?

How--how are you today?

Nice weather we're having.

Nice weather we're having.

There you go. You see how he did it?

It's because you stepped up, Brian.

If you're afraid, step up and good things start to happen. Am I right?

I stepped up.

Step it up, pimp.

That's how you do. Step it up.

So, uh, now that we're partners in crime,

how about telling me your real name?

The reason that I ask that

is because, I don't know if you gave it any thought since last night,

but I've been thinking about it.

And seeing, you know,

looks like now we're both gonna be leaving.

So I thought, you know...

All right, look.

I'm gonna lay it all out there for you right now.

I'm just gonna say it, because, you know, here I am.

I think--

Larry.

You know I haven't done this kind of thing hardly ever.

You know, the whole man thing

doesn't really hold that much for me, usually.

I know.

But somehow you got through.

Somehow.

But in the end...

I don't think i could ever be what you really want.

So where do you think you'll go?

(Ricki) i don't know.

Somewhere clean.

You know, northern California,

Oregon maybe.

You could just drop me off anywhere near the pacific coast highway

and I'll figure it out from there.

Ok.

After that, Brian, uh, i think it's gonna be time to go home.

We just left there a little while ago, though.

I don't mean my apartment.

I mean, you know, the place where you live.

Where I got you.

What, you mean to stay?

Yeah, buddy. To stay.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

- It's open. Oh my god. - What are you doing?

- Sit down. - Look, it's open! Ho ho ho!

- Brian, what? What's he talking about?

They're open. Oh, my god. My god.

[Brian whoops]

They're open, they're open.

Oh, my god. The baywatch, the baywatch, the baywatch.

They're open, they're open!

[Laughing]

- Cowabunga! - oh, my god.

That's the baywatch?

- It's open, it's open. The baywatch. It's the baywatch.

It's the baywatch. Hello there!

[Brian laughing]

I can't believe this! I can't believe this!

I can't believe it. We have to stop.

- We can't stop now. (Ricki) Come on, Larry.

(Brian) no, no, no, no, no.

We have to stop! Have to stop!

No, Larry, no! No, no, no, no.

They're here. We're here. We're here. We're here.

Brian, I know. We can't, though.

I'm sorry. We can't stop.

- Larry, we're here. - We're here!

- We're right here! - Brian.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. We're right here!

- Brian. - Larry.

- Brian. - Larry.

- Brian. - Larry.

- Brian. - Larry.

(Brian) wait, wait a second.

Wait. so turn around now, ok?

All right. Eh?

What do you think?

Can I go down there?

Brian, you can't go down there, no. That's...

I mean, they-- we're not allowed down there. It's...

Plus, we got to go soon.

Please? please can i go down there?

You know, Brian, i don't even think...

This might not even be the baywatch.

I think this is probably something else.

Larry, you promised me.

You promised me.

It's right there.

I know.

Just for five minutes?

For five minutes?

Brian, what's your brother's name?

Brian. - my brother's-- my brother's--

my brother's name is stinky Jimmy dorf. Wanna know why?

Yeah, some other time, i do.

Yeah, Los Angeles. The U.S. courthouse.

The office of a James dorf.

Because.... do you wanna know why? Do you wanna know why?

Uh-huh. yeah, yeah.

Because sometimes he smells like fish.

No, I don't think so.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll give you my name. Give me a minute.

Hold on. I forgot it. Yeah.

[Sighs]

[Laughing]

Brian.

Brian, look at me.

I think your brother and his friends are gonna be here soon

to pick you up. Ok?

I want you to know something.

You're a good kid.

I'm sorry about all the, uh...

I'm sorry for being, uh...

I'm sorry.

I think you're wrong.

I think that is the baywatch right there.

Who knows? Maybe it is.

[Chuckling]

I'm a genius, mon.

I knew it.

You take good care of yourself, Brian.

You take good care of yourself, Larry.

I'll do that.

Brian, let me ask you something.

How do your fingernails look?

My fingernails?

Your fingernails, how are they looking?

Don't say nothin'.

They look very good.

I got a-plus nails. I got a-plus nails.

Never mind. Ok. Good.

Go ahead.

[Laughing]

[Brian laughs]

Go on.

You know, I don't know how you're thinking

about getting out of here or whatever,

what your plans are, but, uh....

[Keys jingling]

[Sighs]

I think you should take my car.

Go ahead, take it. Take it.

I couldn't do that, Larry.

I'd rather... You know, I'd prefer if you had it.

It's a good car, and I want you to be all right.

And I know that, you know, it'll get you wherever you need to go,

so just, you know, take it.

I was thinking about getting rid of it anyway.

I'm trying to change my image.

Go ahead, take it.

Please.

Ok.

I will, thank you.

Nah, don't mention it.

Just do me one favor, though.

Name it.

As far as the, uh, lesbian thing goes...

Yeah?

If you do ever think about hopping the fence,

promise you'll give me a call first.

[Car starts]

(Man, over loudspeaker) Ok, ladies and gentlemen, listen up.

Camera is ready and picture is up.

I need all dancers to first position as soon as possible.

All dancers to first position as soon as possible. Let's go.

[People chattering]

(Director) ok, listen up, guys.

Can we please finish pairing up, everyone?

Come on, guys, it's not like you're mating for life.

As the old song goes: "Just love the one you're with."

Find someone to love.

[Mouthing words]

Nice weather we're having.

(Australian accent) Yes, it's very nice.

It is?

[Giggling] yes.

But the weather's always very nice around here, isn't it?

Yes, and...

A 10% chance of precipitation for low-lying coastal regions

extending from new south wales to Victoria.

[Chuckling]

(Director) and playback.

♪ [Music playing]

And...action!

♪ I hear your thunder ♪

♪ I hear your thunder ♪

♪ I hear your thunder ♪

♪ I hear your thunder ♪

♪ I hear your thunder... ♪

Rochelle.

What?

Rochelle. that's my real name.

Rochelle.

[Chuckles]

So, Rochelle,

does this mean you decided to hop the fence?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

But I figured since I helped get you into all this,

the least I could do is offer you a ride out of town.

Fair enough.

What?

You know, i bet you'd look awesome in some mascara.

I'm not sure how to take that.

It's a compliment.

Yeah?

Like your mother said,

life's not always black-and-white.

Sometimes you just never know.

Are you drivin' or are you bullshittin'?

I'm drivin'.

♪

(Brian) ♪ I love big butts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ the other brothers can't deny ♪

♪ when the girls walk in with their itty-bitty waist ♪

♪ and round things in your face ♪

♪ you get sprung or pull up tough ♪

♪ 'cause you notice that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ 'cause I'm long, and I'm strong ♪

♪ and I'm down to get the friction on ♪

♪ so, ladies, yeah ladies, yeah ♪

♪ you wanna roll in my Mercedes? Yeah! ♪

♪ So turn around stick it out ♪

♪ even white boys got to shout ♪

♪ baby got back! ♪

♪ [Humming] ♪

♪ baby got back! ♪

♪ [Humming] ♪

[Laughs]

♪