Original subtitles

Hello!

Whoever it is we're waiting for, it better be bloody worth it.

There's a ton of paparazzi in the car park.

Mr. Salmon!

Mr. Salmon!

Sorry, Daisy, but my mother had a bit of a turn. It's a quite long night.

I think Titania's arriving.

I think perhaps Lord B's gone too far this time.

Who are you playing?

Hermia. I thought you'd be playing the pretty one.

Nice touch with the photographers.

Isn't it just?

Another nail in the venture of coffee.

She's fucking Christ.

Your mother's changed sides.

Hello, my Rose.

What are you doing? The board was exceptional.

Well, I told you she would be.

An entirely authentic performer.

It's as if she's lived it all before.

Thank you for telling me to hire her.

I'd be lost without you, darling.

What are you doing?

Getting into bed. Sorry, Declan, I'm back for work, not for you. You're

telling me I'm not welcome in my own bed?

Anything else you want to take while you're at it? I'm not taking anything

that wasn't already mine. It's my house too, remember?

I decorated it.

I know.

I'm still paying the bills.

Morning, Mrs. Barriger.

Here you go.

Can you please not broadcast the fact that I've forgotten my scripts?

Okay, well, I have to get back. I'm waiting for the call from Carol.

The call back the publishers.

The bidding war on my book.

Where's the pen? What pen?

My parka, so I can make notes.

This is a rehearsal, Lizzie. I have to make notes about my character arc. You

say you're a writer. Can you please write things down if you can't remember

them? I don't know why Tony even asked you to do Midsummer Night's Dream.

You're not an actor.

Tony asked me to do this because I am the face of Carinium. I mean, Lizzie,

for once, could you please at least try and be supportive of my career?

You can't feel sorry for being married to that.

Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason for that. And yet, to say

the truth... Ah, we're rehearsing.

Sorry, I forgot my notes.

Methinks, mistress.

You should have little reason for that. And yet to say the truth.

Costume is saying nipples or... No nipples.

Nipples.

Charles says nipples. It's like fucking Piccadilly Circus in here. I know. I'm

sorry. Please continue.

Well, I've lost it now.

I'll try and find him.

I'm the most beautiful creature you ever saw.

There he is.

Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason for that. And yet, to say

the truth, reason and love keep little... Sorry, Charles, but Andrew

needs the mattress.

For fuck's sake.

Please.

Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, Charles. Sorry.

Actually, Charles, what do you think about going a bit further with this

scene, sexually speaking?

Yes. I...

I think less is more, don't you, Charles?

I think we imply, not do.

Okay, well, I'll leave this in your capable hands, Charles.

But, um, just say the word, and I will happily oblige.

Deirdre!

Excellent work, everyone.

Charles, you'll make sure I don't look foolish up there, won't you?

Darling, you've never looked foolish a day in your life.

I'm serious, Charles.

I'm not as... I'm not as young as I once was.

My darling, your beauty is like a Shakespearean sonnet, perfectly composed

and eternal.

But the big problem is, does anyone really give a fuck about poetry?

It's not just about poetry, is it? It's about power and fate.

Patriotism and love.

And sex.

But we wouldn't actually get to see any sex.

No, but it'll be described by the sexiest man in England.

You know, Maude Garnon Yates had an unbridled passion unlike anything we've

ever seen before on television. Describing all its lurid details.

Every kiss, every fuck, every tortured moment of unrequited love.

Well, as long as you keep the tash and you don't skimp on the sex, you've got

yourselves a Channel 4 commission.

How soon can you deliver?

I mean... Hello, Clara.

What are these reprobates trying to sell you?

Not trying to fob you off at the Beeb's sloppy seconds, are they? Well, I doubt

the Beeb could have handled what these two are selling.

If you need a reference for Cameron, be sure to let me know.

I'm terribly sorry, Tony, but we're all booked up.

Oh, no, we aren't staying. No, I'm just picking up Clara. We're going to the

White Elephant.

Have you booked your seats to see your lovely wife in the show yet?

Not yet.

Oh, I'd hurry up if I were you. They're going like hotcakes.

She's a great talent.

Surprised you didn't notice her when she was under your nose this whole time.

Or was she generally on top?

Declan.

Nice to see you, Clara.

We send over a budget next week.

How is the boyfriend?

Is it fun being shacked up with a man who has fucked everyone?

As they say, practice makes perfect.

Great doing business with you, Clara.

You were a silly boy letting those two slip through your fingers.

Oh, I didn't let them go.

I pushed them out.

Shall we?

That was a deliberate ploy to sabotage us. Didn't work, though, did it? We got

the fucking commission.

We did, didn't we?

Turns out we're a pretty good team.

Fucking A-team.

So, Tony's Shakespeare.

We should go. We need to go.

What? No, no, no, no. Where? You might.

No. We show Tony that we don't give a shit about his petty tactics.

We're bigger than that.

What?

Gertrude. Gertrude!

Gertrude!

Gertrude!

Come. Good crop this year?

Yeah, tons of it. Just need to get it all in before it rains.

Mummy's back.

Tony's hired her for a midsummer night's dream.

Oh, Christ.

After all the mind mess, I don't imagine Declan's very happy about that.

No, no, he's not.

I was horribly worried about Ventra already.

Yeah, well, I should probably... probably crack on.

Gertrude. Go on.

Gertrude, come.

Go on. Come.

Oh, Gertrude, just... I know.

I'm not doing that anymore.

I can't believe how well everything is going.

This Shakespeare's gonna be such a hit.

I feel like we should celebrate.

Well done, you.

That was Archie. He says he's gonna pull his sticky and wants me to come over

while his parents are at the play.

It's Mummy's big day.

I know.

But I really like him, Daggy.

Do you think she'd mind?

I'll cheer loudly enough for the both of us. No, Mum!

Well, toward Doria the pleasure.

Um, funny thing really, I was, um... I bumped into the Chief Whip,

who suggested that perhaps I should run for your seat in the by-election.

Congratulations.

That's... That's wonderful.

You off? Yeah, I'm gonna head to the priory first.

I think you should come. I think it'd be good.

Show Tony how little effect he's had on you. I would rather be eaten alive by

red ants than go through Shakespeare put on by Tony.

We'd be together.

Sorry, no can do, I'm afraid.

I hope it's a categorical disaster.

Enjoy.

She leant against the gate.

Her thighs pricked red from the nettles.

Anger stepped towards her, his handful of dock leaves.

He dragged them slowly up her leg and under her skirt.

The wet sap of the leaf joining Cecily's ecstasy.

Right, Fred, Fred, we're off.

I want to get there nice and early so we can get a good seat.

Good idea, Marcy. You have a lovely time.

I don't understand why I have to go if Daddy doesn't have to. Because Daddy

doesn't want to give Tony Baddingham the satisfaction.

Daddy is old enough to make his own bad decisions.

Right, come on out.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, son.

I don't want anyone thinking that we're not cultured. And remember, Fred Fred,

do not take off your trunks. I'm not having whatever swims in and out the end

of your thingy floating up to the top.

I'm too old for another baby.

I don't think it works that way, my love. I don't care.

Just don't do it.

Right, out.

Do you think he's expecting us, Tina?

Do it. I think you should only do it with someone who really loves you.

And who you love.

I wish I waited for someone special.

I should probably give him a blowjob there, shouldn't I? Oh, God.

How do you give a blowjob?

I thought you'd done everything.

No, I've hardly done anything.

Talia said that Toby's come tasted of salty orange juice.

What if he thinks I'm shit? He doesn't think you're shit. He really likes you.

What if he gets to know me and then realises I'm shit? You're not shit.

You're amazing.

Just be you.

You're the best.

What the hell are you doing here?

Why aren't you with your mother?

Mommy doesn't want me to see you.

Please, can I come and live with you, Daddy?

Please.

What time did you set off?

Before breakfast.

You must be famished.

I swapped one of my rosettes for a pack of Tansy and Zopal fruits.

Aha.

Breakfast of champions.

Oh, come on, then. I'll be good. Let's get you home.

This way.

Ready? One, two, three.

Do you want two?

I'm so sorry, Archie. I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, don't be silly.

It's fine.

I'm in no rush. I love just hanging out with you.

I've got barbarian, the ultimate warrior.

If you want to play that.

Yeah.

What are you after?

Come to get my suit for the performance.

I didn't think you were coming.

If Tony wants to put on a show for me, I am more than happy to watch.

Ah, you think he only hired me to piss you off.

Your words, not mine.

God, can you not see how petty you're being? Can you not see how naive you're

being?

Came to see you in a play, did he?

Of all the actresses in the world, it was you who had to be his Titania. He

didn't know I was going to be playing Nora.

He was blown away. He offered you a slice of fame and you grabbed at it with

both hands like a hungry child.

He doesn't give two shits about whether you're good or not. It works for him

either way.

Maude O'Hara, wife of rival Declan O'Hara in Carinium smash hit. Declan O

'Hara's wife bombs in Carinium production. I'm exposed regardless.

He's destroyed Rupert. Now he's coming after me. You think Tony expects me to

fail? I don't think he cares.

Great.

Well, let's hope I prove both of you wrong.

Now, if you wouldn't mind fucking off, I would like to get ready in peace.

Ah. I remember that dress.

I was at a garden party with Malise when the housekeeper called.

Where is she?

Um, she's still asleep.

Is it okay if we leave her a bit longer? She was horribly tired, poor thing.

I suppose.

The place looks good.

I see Cameron has been allowed a vase.

Must have been quite the uphill battle.

Well, she's very persuasive.

Better at it than I was.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

After all, my drawing room is pink.

You know, Tabitha has been bullied.

No.

She didn't mention it. She had a fist fight at Pony Club, defending your

honor.

That's my girl. When are you going to learn that your actions have

consequences? I didn't know I was being taped. It wasn't my fault. But you did

sleep with all those women. I didn't know I was expected to live like a monk.

You do remember we're not married anymore. No one expects you to be

celibate. I just think acting like an okay guy would have been enough. I don't

have to answer to your strict moral codes anymore, Ellen. But I still have

to answer to yours.

Do you know what the moms at school think of me?

I am the slut that had a foursome with Rupert Campbell Black and his friends.

Your behavior bleeds over the rest of us.

Your life contaminates ours.

I have spoken with a lawyer.

I am seeking 100% custody.

Please, please don't.

Don't do this.

I'll die without them. You see them once a month at best. You'll be fine. Well, I

won't let you take them.

Well, you won't have any choice.

I doubt you'll have much credibility in court with your recent track record.

I am so sorry that your parents never looked after you.

But I won't leave my children to the same fate.

If you can't protect them, I will.

Now I would appreciate it if you went and got Tabitha.

I saved the story for you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Charles, Maude's in make-up.

But she doesn't seem quite right.

I've tried, I've tried talking to her, but she's having a total meltdown.

Daisy, okay, I will handle it. Thank you for letting me know.

She looks okay to you, doesn't she? If by okay you mean deranged, as if she

could snap at any moment.

Jesus, just stop jabbing at me.

Someone's nervous.

That's good.

No, I shouldn't have come in. I have to go home. What? I can't be here.

What are you talking about? You can't leave. You're the lead.

I know why Tony hired me, and I will not be used.

No, you're amazing.

You're wonderful.

Don't move.

I'll be right back.

Daisy? Yes, Charles? Doesn't that sort of look like the sea?

Yes, it does.

Please, fetch Mrs. O'Hara a whiskey and find Lord Battingham now. Okay. Thank

you.

Give me five minutes.

Five minutes.

Deep breaths, Maud.

In and out. You too, Dietrich.

Fifteen minutes until curtain call. Wonderful to see you, Monica.

Yes, hello, Monica.

Thank you so much for coming. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Such a joy to combine culture and community.

I couldn't agree more, Reverend Penny.

Quirinium really has gone above and beyond.

Great to see you, Lady Gosling.

You too.

Surprising. You've come out en masse, it seems.

No Freddy with you tonight?

No, he's not as much into the bard as I am.

He's absolutely cuckoo about the new swimming pool.

Honestly, I can't tear him away.

Makes my skin itch just being in the Carinian building.

Take the higher ground.

Exactly. Can we swap?

I've already had two pints and I'm going to need a piss.

Oh, yeah.

Apparently, the four men that mow have their shirts off.

I fucking love Shakespeare.

Declan's in the audience.

He looks extremely uncomfortable.

Very good.

Not badding him. Not badding him.

Mrs. O'Hara is refusing to go on.

Okay, everyone out.

Oh, um, Emmy hasn't been finished yet. Out!

Yeah, we'll just go. Okay.

I know why you hired me.

And I won't do it.

I won't be made a laughing stock.

All right, let's sit down. No.

Come on.

We'll have a talk.

The problem is, she's just not a professional.

We're all here to do a job.

And, uh, as we actors always say, the show must go on.

Isn't that right?

Excuse me.

I can't do it.

I can't remember my lines. I don't know what I'm doing.

You're doing what you were born to do. You could do this in your sleep.

Declan says you don't care if I'm any good or not because either way, it

reflects badly on him.

Oh, Christ, what a terrible thing to say to one's wife. There is no chance in

hell you'll be bad.

You're an entirely authentic performer, Maud.

It's as if you've lived it all before.

So this isn't a ploy to get a Declan.

I'll admit that watching your husband squirm is the cherry on top, but I'm a

businessman. I don't make bad decisions.

I hired you because you are bloody good at what you do.

You were the best person for the job.

It's just flattering me. You're just pandering to my ego.

No, I'm not.

I have no interest in producing anything that isn't exceptional.

I don't fail.

Like, this is a disaster.

It's not gonna be a disaster.

It's gonna be brilliant.

If you don't trust yourself, trust me.

I am so confident in your performance.

I want you to come in and audition for me for the lead in the next series of

Four Men Went to Moan.

She's the lady of the manor.

A rich, posh English bitch on heat. She'll have all four men's hearts and

cocks in the palm of her hand.

That doesn't prove how confident I am in you. I don't know what does The

ox has therefore stretched his yoke in vain

The plowman lost his sweat and the green corn hath rotted ere his youth attained

a beard the fold

stands empty in the drowned field, and crows are fatted with the murine flock.

The nine men's morris is filled up with mud. Utterly authentic. And the queen

mazes in the wanton green for lack of treat are undistinguishable.

Isn't she judged?

Camera one, push in.

No man is now with him or Carol blessed.

Therefore the moon

The governance of blood's pale in her anger washes all the air that rheumatic

diseases do abound.

What's this play about?

It's about the fragility of being in love, how easy it can happen with the

wrong person, but how that same haphazardness makes the triumph of true

love all the sweeter.

And thy fair virtue's force, perforce, doth move me on the first view

to say, to swear.

I love thee.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will now have a short intermission by the selection of

our special guests.

James, your

bottom was marvelous.

Would you like a club?

Give this to Emmy for me, will you?

Lizzie?

What are you doing here?

I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have.

Oh, you're reading my book.

I am.

Went to WH Smith's. There you were.

There was a bidding war on my new novel. Well, the chapters I read about Lettie

and Ferdy. Yes.

They liked it so much, they've given me a two-book deal.

Carol, my agent, is over the moon.

You know, I've made more money today than I've earned in my entire life.

Just wanted to tell you first.

That's bloody brilliant.

You're bloody brilliant.

Like a warrior that fights and wins the battle, I know the taste

of victory.

Though I went through some nights consumed by the shadows, I was

crippled emotionally.

Somehow I made it through the heartache, and as I did, I escaped.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

The performance is about to resume.

Probably got lost, poor lamb.

Well, the public must have its... And

cue curtain.

Okay, cue music.

I wonder if... I can't find James.

I've looked everywhere. He's not in studio two.

He said he'd be there.

Jesus Christ, we can't carry on without Bottom. What the hell are we going to

do?

Charles Maybe she's doing a poo

What a wonderful way to die.

Dad!

Dad?

You all right, my angel?

What are you doing up?

Mummy hates me.

Of course she don't hate you. She loves you.

How did you get up?

I walked, cut straight across Frogsmoor Field.

What, all that way?

Well, you should have called me. I would have picked you up.

I did. It just rang and rang.

Mum thinks I look awful. She says I'm an embarrassment.

You're beautiful, baby.

You know that mummy says silly things sometimes.

She adores you, she'd kill for you, you know that. Well, if she is right.

There was a boy I liked at the stables, but he said I was weird.

Well, then he's not for you.

Not everyone fancies everyone.

Love can be cruel like that.

It's about chemistry and lucky timing.

I wish someone loved me the way you love Mum.

It will, baby.

It will.

I won't tell Mum about your skinny dipping.

It'll be our little secret, yeah?

Let's go and get some ice cream. Come.

Unkiss thy ears.

Monsieur Cobweb, good monsieur, get you your weapons in your hand and kill

me a red-headed bumblebee on the top of the stairs. You think it's James Verrick

playing bottom?

No, that's definitely Charles.

Do not fret yourself too much in the action, monsieur.

And good monsieur, have a care the honeybag breaks. What the fuck is going

on? I think he's rather good.

Your mum was ace.

Yes, she was, wasn't she?

So why do you look like someone just ate your last roller? I thought the play was

a little depressing.

How is it depressing? It's all about true love.

And a love potion that can make you forget everything.

and fall in love with the wrong person.

Girl, you need a tequila and a cock in your rope now. Come on, we're going into

town. I should probably wait for my mate. Back off.

Life's short. We're never going to be this hot again.

Come on.

Woo!

Well done, darling. Well done. You were incredible.

Don't be silly. It was a tour de force.

Right. Well done, Charles.

Congrats, darling.

You're a much better bottom than James.

Don't cry, it went so well.

Mummy died this morning.

What? I got a call from the nursing home to say that she died just before dawn.

Didn't think Tony would be too impressed if I didn't come in.

A lot resting on today, you know.

I'm so sorry.

An orphan boy at 40.

Are you decent?

Oh, Gerald, did you tell him our news?

No, what news?

We set a date for the wedding.

March the 5th.

Oh.

Charles' mother died this morning.

Oh, Charles, I am sorry.

Poor her.

Poor you.

Enbit really is frightful.

Come on, Jerry. Let's let him dry his eyes.

One doesn't want to appear tear-stained in public.

We'll see you upstairs at the party.

Stiff drinks all round.

Doctor's orders.

Why, why, you are a lucky sod, Declan. Maudie was superb.

A fine filly indeed.

Rarely was. A masterpiece.

Who the hell let Declan and his repubes up here?

Mother Goose, apparently.

Oh, you really brought the bard alive tonight, Tony.

The Scottish play is my favourite, but this is proving a close second.

Yes, wasn't it good?

Well, I'm sorry my Fred Red couldn't be here.

He's absolutely gaga about the new swimming pool. Everything smells of

chlorine. Excuse me.

Lady Gosling.

Congratulations, Tony.

Yes, yes. It was honestly the kind of thing I would have expected to see at

Stratford-upon-Avon. Well, of course, it's exactly what we at the Ministry of

Culture are looking to promote.

I saw the announcement of your new position, Mr. Stratton. Lovely news,

isn't it? We're so proud to be back in government, aren't we, darling? Indeed.

Mrs. Thatcher's been so clever to recognize Paul's talents.

Why, don't you think it makes sense to invite Paul to join the board at

Carinium? Ah.

You're quite right.

Would you like to join, Paul?

Well, 1987 is turning into quite the banner year.

Here's to hopefully topping it off with a boy in December.

Yes,

I must just say hello to Lizzie.

What happened to James?

Oh, well, he wasn't that bad.

No, James didn't come on in the second half. Nobody knows what happened to him.

Charles filled in.

Oh.

Perhaps you ought to go and look for him.

And you might think about doweling off your hair first.

Smell a little of chlorine.

Between you and me, I thought your Titania at school was far more exciting.

That was a long time ago.

I remember.

Um, Daisy, isn't it? Ah.

Lovely to see you looking so well.

Oh, sorry.

You okay?

Yep.

You don't look okay.

It's just been a very long day.

James.

James, darling. It's me.

Oh, James!

What happened?

James.

James.

I think I knocked myself out. Oh, darling.

Did they have to cancel the play?

No, darling. So sorry.

What, they did it without me? Yes.

I'm so sorry. Don't be silly. It's not your fault.

You saved me like you always do.

Because you're a saint.

I don't deserve you.

All right, Kev? All right. Two shots and a snake bite.

What do you want?

Uh, yeah, a shot too, please. Tequila. Best love potion known to man.

How was the show, then?

Bunch of posh wankers prancing about. Pretty decent rendition, to be honest.

Don't be jealous, Kev. One day your prince will come.

One for each of us.

What are you doing sticking the music up?

That one.

The blonde waitresses take their trays, spin around, and they cross the floor.

They've got the moves.

You drop your drink, then they bring you more. All the school kids so sick of

books. They like the punk and the metal band. When the buzzer rings, they're

walking like an Egyptian.

All the kids in the marketplace say,

You were incredible.

Oh, you thought so, did you? How kind. I'll get a drink. You know, it was just

like watching with the old days.

I want you to come to Ireland with me.

Imagine if you knew me and Yates.

It'd be our homecoming.

You want me to go with you?

To do what?

To be by my side. Oh, to be by your side.

Because I thought we were done supporting each other, Declan. I mean,

didn't you just come tonight to watch me fail? No, I was angry. I shouldn't have

said what I said, all right?

You were amazing in there.

Please, love.

Please come with me. No!

I don't think so.

I don't want to sit around watching you work.

Unfortunately, I'm going to be quite busy because Tony... Tony wants me for

the new series of Four Men Went to Moe.

Are you joking?

No. Because he believes in me, even though you clearly don't. That is not

true, and you know it. You've never done anything to help my career.

All you've ever done is hold me back.

Let's talk about this at home.

The cast are going out for a drink.

I've booked a room at the Cotchester Hilton, so... don't bother waiting up.

What's going

on

here? Is it someone's birthday?

I don't think so. Shelley and Taggy kicked it all off.

Taggy?

Was here and here is a red balloon I think of you

let it go

What? I'm heading off, Shelley.

Come on.

Oh, see you, Taki.

It's not like you to drink. Is everything all right?

It's poor Bottom.

Everyone else falls in love and he just goes back to being sad old Bottom.

I think I'm Bottom.

You are not Bottom.

I mean, you have a fabulous bottom, but you're not Bottom.

Anyway, who's to say that Bottom doesn't meet somebody wonderful the day after

the play?

There's always tomorrow, Teggy.

Where's mommy?

They had a fight.

She's staying in Codchester.

Well, then go and get her.

Just tell her you love her. Tell her what she wants to hear.

Why are all men so bloody useless?

Hello. Hello.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Gosh, yes.

Oh, sorry.

Um, was Sharon okay?

Yeah.

She didn't say anything.

I felt so guilty I said I'd buy her this field and build her her own stables.

Which... Yes, we can't keep doing this.

Too many people will get hurt.

Yeah.

Gosh.

I suppose we're lucky we had it even for an instant.

Goodbye, Freddy.

Goodbye, Lizzie.

Mother disappeared gradually from my life and...

For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure I could have withstood her disappearing all at once.

Who will I put the Christmas cards up with now?

Who will I tell when I've got good news?

Bye, friends.

Thank you all so much.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Look,

Declan. I know I've left you and Ventra in an awful mess, but I'm gonna make it

up to you.

Lenta?

I told you you could do it.

Are we waiting for anyone?

No.

Just us.

Would you like me to read anything?

I was hoping, perhaps, we could improvise.

Would you like me to do the English accent?

Why not?

You know the first rule of improvisation is you can't say no to anything.

Is that right?

Would you like to see me do anything in particular?

There are lots of things I want to see you do.

You know, I actually dreamt of doing some things in front of you the other

night. Oh, really? What was that?

There's some very bad things.

I seem to remember it started something

like this.

And then, what was it?