Original subtitles

Charlie's phone's been confiscated.

It's actually my phone, he took it from my pocket...

so I need it back.

Please?

[sighs]

There it is. Thieving little git.

Yeah, I don't have a form for it.

I can't release a property

unless I've got a confiscation form.

Right, so how do I get it back?

All items without a form

are classified as lost property

and processed at the end of term.

Jesus Christ.

If you wish to make a complaint you can e-mail the school.

Yeah, all right, I'll do that. Can you pass me my phone

so I can do it now?

Okay. And who deals with the complaints?

[Mrs. Lamb] I do.

Okay.

[office phone ringing]

Mrs. Lamb's phone.

I hate you, you witch.

Just give me the phone back.

[music playing]

Oh, you really dodged a bullet

getting out of the school trip, Kevin.

Oh, God, that doesn't even cover it.

Sod's law my driving test is on the same day as the trip

to Fishbourne Roman Palace.

Send you some pictures of mosaics for your wank bank.

I hit a cow on my driving test. Yeah, killed it instantly.

Still passed though.

Uh, different rules in Ireland.

I'm sweating just thinking about it.

My hands are literally sopping.

D'you think I need some driving gloves

or, or a driving towel?

How did you get out of the coach trip?

Got my hands full launching hyggetygge.org.

The physical store was always just a testbed

but, uh, as of two o'clock tomorrow

we officially pivot online.

Whoo-hoo.

Will you be okay packing up the shop?

Uh, you're packing up, Anne?

Oh no, I told you I can't the baby has her jabs.

Oh, great.

Thanks for mentioning this before.

-I did. I texted you twice. -Then how is this only

the first time I'm registering it?

For that, I can only apologize.

Café anyone?

I promised the girls a cake if they let me sing

the Moanasoundtrack with them this morning.

No, no, I have to say goodbye to my builder.

Oh, is it Garry's last day?

What? No.

Oh! [laughing] Sorry.

You just gave me a heart attack. [laughing]

No. No, no, no I just like to...

I just, just like to have, um, a catchup,

a de-brief, you know, give him a proper send-off.

You must give me his number? I need a new attic ladder.

I'd never share him with anyone, Kevin.

You all right, babe?

Do you want a hot chocolate with all the toppings?

Is Jade okay?

We've just been to see the head.

Some little dipshit's been racist to her.

Bloody hell, poor little thing.

Oh my God. Did the kid get a punishment?

No, he was sent home with a thunder letter.

Oof, the worst rose he has ever got is a...

rain cloud for giving Ruben a wedgie.

And he's been banned from the school field trip tomorrow

and they're doing a racism awareness assembly thing so...

Meg, there you are. Are you all right?

-Hmm. -I heard what he said.

For the record, I am both shocked and stunned.

What did the head say?

They said they've not had to deal with it before.

At least that's something.

Yeah, but is it? Is it that it's never happened before

or that they haven't noticed? Anyway, whatever,

they're dealing with it so that's something.

What did the kid actually say?

Well, the jury is still out on whether

he meant it in an offensive way.

No, I don't think the jury's still out.

It really upset Jade.

I know demographically my opinion doesn't count,

but maybe it's just kids saying kids' things.

-No. -Anne, what do you think?

You must've been on the receiving end as an Irish.

Or not. I'm not saying

you have to have an opinion just because you're Irish.

The Irish famously opinionated?

Um, couldn't tell you one way or the other.

They are.

Their catchphrase is, to be sure.

Oh, I'm not sure it is but, um,

okay.

-To be sure, to be sure. -[Meg] Mmm.

It is.

[music playing]

[Garry whistling]

-Ooh. -Ooh.

Cup of tea for the worker.

[Garry] Ah, thanks.

Oh! [laughing]

These...

These aren't mine. Mine are much more, um...

you know, it doesn't matter what mine are like.

These are my, um,

these are my mother's, we'll just, just get...

I wouldn't worry about it.

You should see the state of my place.

Oh yes, please.

Um, is-- is it--

is it a classic sort of bachelor pad

or is there a girlfriend in the mix?

No, not at the moment, no.

You should take your time

and p-- play the field, see what's out there.

Maybe go for someone who's looking second time around.

You know, could push out a mini-Garry.

At a squeeze.

Lovely tea, thanks.

Garry, I don't know how to say this, um...

I have to go on a school trip tomorrow

so I'm not going to be around.

Okay, cool.

It's very understanding of you.

It's-- it's to Fishbourne Roman Palace.

It's, um, it's famous for its tiles.

[chuckles]

[Julia] But, seriously, honestly,

if there's anything you ever need then

just ask me, okay?

-Uh, actually, Julia. -Yes.

Uh, I'm, I'm having some problems

ordering your, your new window fittings.

Consider it done. I mean... [laughing]

Absolutely, fine. I'm on it like a car bonnet.

I'll call them first thing.

I love getting my teeth into something.

-Mm-hmm. -[Marion] Anyone want a tea?

I'm putting the kettle on.

No, thanks, Mother, Garry's all catered for.

-He's great. -No, actually,

-I could for another. -Okay, don't touch the kettle.

Don't touch that. Get you...

Don't you dare touch it.

-[clears throat] -[footsteps running away]

[woman] Just pull in here, Mr. Brady.

[Kevin crying] Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Come on just... come on

just, just put me out... put me out of my misery.

Well, I'm pleased to tell you, you passed.

What?

Shut up. [crying]

What?

Shut up.

Shut the F up.

-Whoo! -[honking horn]

-[Kevin] Whoo! -[woman] Don't do that.

[music playing]

[Meg] Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

If ever there was a time to play

the cancer card, this is it.

I'd just be moping around waiting for my test results.

They're due to call today.

And there's only so many episodes

of Selling Sunsetyou can watch

before you wanna claw your eyes out with your acrylics.

Can everyone please get in line?

All aboard the vomit express.

[Julia] Come on, come on, answer the frickin' phone.

If we could get off our phones, please.

Ivy's mom.

Oh, yeah, cool.

-Hello, are you there? -Yeah hi

I'm ringing about a Velux window fitting.

Excuse me. If that's someone's child?

Whose child is this?

Everyone, wait in line, we are not boarding yet.

Miss Vaughn, can you get that boy

-out of the luggage hold? -I'm claustrophobic.

-Oi. Out please. -Sorry,

what's Danny doing here?

Um, I'm just the teaching assistant.

Sorry. Mrs. Lamb.

Um, yeah...

that boy Danny who just went on the bus,

he's not supposed to be on the field trip.

-Is he not? -No.

Right, um, it's just that we're

a bit pushed for time, so...

Danny's mom?

D'you see that, mate? The baby racist just got

-on the coach. -Yeah, I know, don't worry. Lamb

is laminating the kid's mom as we speak.

Yes, I'm holding.

[woman on phone] Are you still there?

[Mrs. Lamb] Right, uh, she says she's appealing it, so,

single file, please.

-One, two, three... -Um...

What? Yeah right, um, yeah,

eight, nine, ten-- uh, excuse me,

I'll take that laser pen,

thank you, Talisha.

Um, that's...

-fifteen... -Fourteen.

-...sixteen, 17. -...fifteen, 16...

What are you doing?

-I'm sorry? -Can you not count?

Look, if you feel you don't want to go on the trip,

I can process a full refund, uh...

No, no, no, I don't want Jade to miss the...

I don't want to prevent Jade from going on the trip

just because the school haven't got their act together.

Okay, that's all the kids, Miss Vaughn.

I'll do a sweep of the wheels.

I'm sorry but this is not good enough.

It's a rock and a hard place situation, Mom.

The child received a thunder letter,

you've got your racism assembly

and we've put signs up.

[Meg] Oh, yeah...

"Leave race hate at the gate."

What's that a quote from Nelson Mandela?

Look, I'm sorry, Mom, but we really need to get going.

Sick bags.

Sick bags.

-What's wrong with you? -Sick bags.

-Did you not hear? -Oh, God.

It's like The Shining.

That little twonk who was mean to Jade was let on the coach.

-You're joking? He's on here? -Mm-hmm.

Why hasn't he been humanely thrown down a well?

It's this bloody school, they can barely cope

with missing blazers let alone something like this.

The school's a joke shop. An Ofsted rated joke shop.

[Meg chuckles]

No, it really winds me up.

And if you break the rules,

there should be zero tolerance,

don't just sweep it under the carpet.

-Yeah. I blame Dominic Cummings. -Why?

I blame him for everything. He's a dick.

[Mrs. Lamb] You're not allowed to sit together.

Hop it, please.

Go on.

Uh, excuse me, Mom,

we need this seat.

This one stinks, does anybody want to swap?

Ah, hello,

you're there. Lovely, jubbly. Yes. Yeah, I've got a pen.

Yep, no probs.

Bollocks, I haven't got a pen. Have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm here. Oh, yeah.

You need to write this down.

Get some paper.

Is that Danny's mom?

D'you want me to have a word?

I'll tell her to get off the coach if you want.

-I don't give a shit. -Yes.

-[Julia] It's a Velux GGL. -[Meg] Hey.

[woman on phone speaks indistinctly]

UK04.

And that's, that's the part I need, is it?

No, I don't need the whole unit, just the fitting.

Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, my God, she's hung up on me.

Cut us off, mate.

[children] Yay!

[children singing]

[Mrs. Lamb] Voices down, please.

[rock music playing]

Yo, Amanda.

Yo.

Amanda. Oh, uh, ey.

-Oh, hey. -[Kevin] I did it.

Passed my driving...

I passed my driving test, Amanda.

Oh.

I just did a doughnut in that back bit

of the B&Q car park to celebrate.

Would you like a lift anywhere?

You could be my virgin passenger.

I'm gonna

go to a car wash in a bit.

I actually could really use some

help packing up my shop, Kevin.

Oh, okay, my, my offer was

-a bit more car-based but... -Thank you.

Just pull in here, it'd be great.

Thank you, Kevin.

[children singing]

Oh Jesus, mate, they stink.

What flavor are they? Cheese and anus?

Why are you having your lunch now?

It's not even 10 o'clock.

Did you know that Fishbourne

is the largest Roman villa north of the Alps.

She looks like any normal mom.

It's so weird.

Well, what do you expect her to look like? Charles Manson?

Katie Hopkins?

She does look a bit like Katie Hopkins.

-Talking about the mom? -Yeah.

-Hmm. -Danny, her kid, once

pulled Ivy's shorts down in P.E.

I really fantasized about shitting him up,

like getting totally into his face

and just fucking him up for life.

I've fantasized about waterboarding

Toby Warner in year four.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that little psychopath.

So, what goes on in the coach, stays in the coach,

yeah? No further.

[music playing]

[bus engine rattling]

Oh, what now?

Right, everyone remain seated.

-Fingers on lips, please. -What's going on?

-Slight technical issue. -Ooh, are you gonna sort it?

Or is it our responsibility now?

Why have we stopped?

Are we here?

[children clamoring] We're here?

Bums on seats, please.

We are not here yet.

Everyone sit down.

[children clamoring]

Oh, Taylor, mate, can you get them to put

a sock in it? I'm trying to listen, yeah.

Careful with those, Kevin, please.

[sing-songy] Ah.

One hour's time

hyggetygge.org is officially

live-a-live-o.

It's a good job I drove by, isn't it?

You'd have your work cut out doing all this lot alone.

I'm not alone, Kevin.

-Hmm? -Have people been saying

I'm alone? I'm not lonely.

No. What? No, I,

I meant, I meant the packing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Are, are you all right about all this, Amanda?

It, it must be hard having a business fail.

Kevin, I'm not failing.

If anything, I'm a victim of my own success.

The forecast website

traffic vastly outnumbers any physical footfall,

hence my tactical pivot online.

Uh, I don't know anything about anything you're talking about,

but it sounds mighty exciting.

[Amanda] It is.

58 minutes.

Quiet please, everyone.

Um,

all hold a bubble in your mouth.

Like, like, pretend there's a bubble in there.

She said hold a bubble

in your mouth.

Ooh, hi. Hello, yes, no.

So, um, according to Garry Yates,

my lovely builder,

um, he's very much on the system.

Oh, it, it's Garry with two Rs.

Yes, absolutely it makes a difference.

His is much softer,

sexy...

super more sound.

No, I... no, I want the Velux

UK04 in white.

She's still eyeballing us.

Hmm.

Ooh, shit she's coming. She's coming over.

She's coming up the aisle. What do we say to her?

Nothing, babe, just leave it.

Uh, no. No, thank you, love,

I don't want to be transferred to accounts,

no, I've made a promise to, um, my builder Garry

and I don't want to break that promise, so...

Okay, fine, I'll be transferred to accounts.

Hi. Hi. Is anyone actually doing

anything about the heating? 'Cause it's freezing back there.

I don't know, I'm just the teaching assistant, so...

[phone chiming]

Ooh, sorry, that's, that's Garry trying to get through now.

That's... I'm just gonna... just, just one sec,

that, that, that's Garry now, I'm just gonna take that.

Hi. Hi, Garry.

How's it going?

Garry?

Garry?

Oh f...

Hello? Hi,

yeah...

Hello? Hello?

Frickin' well cut us off, mate.

Have you farted?

She'll have to say something now.

Here we go.

Oh, the balls on that.

Oh, seriously, Liz,

just leave it. It's not worth the steam off my piss.

I'll give her one last side eye.

Oh, damn, I accidentally winked at her.

I feel like everything in my life

has been leading up to this.

Hyggetygge.org.

Just looking back.

My time as a hostess

in Val-d'Isère, front of house in Bibendum,

just missing out on being in the band All Saints

and then me on the store floor,

face to face with the clientele.

That was me in my element.

-Just being a people person-- -[glass shattering]

Fuck sake, Kevin.

I'm so sorry, Amanda. Sorry.

Oh, where's the dustpan?

Oh my God! Look.

These must be left over from the opening.

Ah.

Oh, look.

It's my stamp from our loyalty cards.

Nine stamps, you got five per cent off

your next purchase over £500.

I think the most anyone ever got was two.

[sighs] Oh my God, it's time to launch.

Kevin, it's time to launch. Uh, okay.

Um, hyggetygge.org

going live in five...

-[both] ...four... -Shh.

Three...

two...

one.

We have lift off.

Yay.

There you go.

Well, I, I think that calls for a celebration.

Shall we have a toast? Crack open your champers?

Sure. Yeah, uh, why not?

I don't think I've got any

flutes or coupes.

How about these?

They're stem vases, Kevin.

Yeah, sure. Um.

[both] Ooh!

Yeah.

Uh. Ooh!

Okay.

[Kevin] Here we go.

To the new Jeff Bezos...

-but with hair. -Ah.

Better hair. The best hair.

Can I quote you on that?

Obviously not using your name.

-It would be an honor. -Oh.

[children clamoring]

Time for operation lollipop.

Bouncers use these to keep people quiet

at chucking out time.

You do the back, I'll do the front.

Look what I've got.

Oh my God, it would've been quicker

just to drive up to the wholesalers,

kidnap them all and get the part.

Mind you, that might've really impressed Garry, so...

Oh, my God, I've run out of charge.

Has anybody got a phone charger?

Meg, can I borrow our phone, uh, just,

uh, quickly, please?

No, I'm expecting a call.

Taylor, I need to borrow your phone, mate.

Just five minutes, yeah?

Hand it over.

Just quickly.

Please? I just need to borrow it quickly.

Okay, what's that number again?

I don't wanna sound like a sentimental bat

in her prime but...

truth be told, this place was a bit of a lifeline for me

when I split up with Johnny, you know,

just running a lifestyle boutique

gave me a reason to live

between 11 and three every day,

apart from weekends and Wednesdays.

Not to mention the fun you've brought to the area.

I do worry about that, Kevin, actually. I mean,

where else are people gonna get candle cages locally?

Well, my hats are off to you,

professionally and privately.

I only hope that my divorce is half as good as yours.

-Thank you. -What is it they say?

You go for it, lady.

-Top-up? -Mm.

Mmm.

Hit me.

Another lollipop?

There you go. Another lollipop.

Excuse me.

Excuse you from what?

I'm sorry, is there an issue?

Yeah, there is an issue, actually.

You're on this coach and you shouldn't be on this coach.

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, please, you do.

You know what your kid said to my mate's kid.

Really?

Well, I think you should tell your friend

that I think her kid Jade is a little liar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a piss.

Hi, hey.

[grunts]

I used to be able to pop 12 corks a minute

when I ran the Bollinger tent at Twickenham.

-Ooh. -It's hard.

Hang on. Hang on.

-I'll get my driving gloves. -[Amanda laughs]

-[cork pops] -Ooh.

-[Amanda laughs] -That's the ticket.

Mmm.

Do you ever think, how did it come to this?

I'm barely in my late thirties,

I've got two amazing kids

and a burgeoning lifestyle brand and,

I don't know, I still feel

overwhelmed by the next step.

[groans] Why am I telling you this? [laughs]

No, no, no, go, go, go on Amanda. I'm...

-I'm all ears. -Sometimes I think,

am I cut out for this?

Do I have what it takes?

I know from the outside it looks like

I've got it all, the teeth,

the glutes, the personality, but...

on the inside,

I still feel like...

the tall gawky teenager

who couldn't fit in the bucket seats

of their dad's sports car.

Amanda, are you kidding me?

Sorry.

You can do anything you put your mind to.

You're a strong, independent woman

who doesn't listen to the haters

just, just goes out there,

gets what she deserves

and-- and...

-F that sports car. -[chuckles]

You can't help having really long legs.

-I can't. -You're go-getting.

I'm sorry, Amanda,

but you've got it going on.

You, you, you radiate success.

You're confident,

well turned out, always smell clean,

you're a mother,

business lady, feminist icon.

If my girls grow up like you,

I will be a very proud father.

[moans]

[smooches]

I'm really sorry.

I didn't realize that it wouldn't take tampons.

If I have to listen to Travis one more time.

I just, I feel so helpless, Liz

being on hold at the mercy of some woman

in a call center called Denise.

Think I've really messed up this time.

Sorry. I mean, why am I getting my knickers

in a twist about a window fitting?

I just don't want to let Garry down.

Oh, hiya, Denise.

Denise?

That was a cry for help.

Nobody can ever find out, okay?

Yeah, yeah, of course yeah.

It was a horrible,

horrible mistake...

that should never have happened.

Yeah, abs... absolutely,

absolutely with you on that one.

Couldn't agree more.

-Hang on. -No, no,

leave them on.

I'm sorry, we need to stay on the coach.

Oi, you,

Charlie's mom.

I just got off the phone to the school

and I have reported you for what you did.

Do you mind? I'm just having a piss here.

-Oh, you're so gross. -What? The toilet's blocked.

You're the one who's 'king gross.

What's it even got to do with you?

It's like you're so desperate to prove to everyone

how PC you are.

I'm not trying to prove anything

except that you're a total prick.

Uh, excuse me,

this is not how we should be speaking

to one another, Moms.

This woman insulted my child

in front of the entire coach. I'm escalating it.

You already escalated it

when you started this in front of the kids.

-Who does that? -Uh, time out,

please, Moms, we need to be getting back

on the coach.

What are you doing here? Who's minding the kids?

Why don't you just apologize?

[women arguing over each other]

Yes, mate, they're gonna send through the parts.

Results.

Garry is gonna be pumped.

Hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm gonna hang on to that.

I'm waiting for an email confirmation.

[women arguing]

[women continue arguing]

I'm quite happy to stay here all day.

-[indistinct shouting] -[Mrs. Lamb] No, thank you, Mom.

What the fuck are you all doing?

I'm dealing with this thank you, Mom.

No, you're not dealing with it.

That's the point.

You're all just shouting at each other in a ditch.

-God, it's like Twitter. -I'm just sticking up for you.

I know, babe, and I love you so much for it,

but I just needed you to listen to me

when I said, don't poke the hornet's nest,

uh, please, don't poke the hornet's nest.

And Mrs. Lamb,

this is about the kids after all.

All I needed was for my daughter

to feel like the school's got her back

and as far as safeguarding goes, this school is about

as effective as a shit in a sink.

Guys, what's going on? What's the goss, kicking off?

No, please,

this is not the Daily Mailsidebar of shame,

you can't just dip in and out for shits and giggles, okay?

-Yeah. -Soz.

It's okay.

[phone chiming]

Oh, flip the shit,

"part's out of stock."

Uh, sorry, excuse me,

nothing to say to me Jade's mom?

Because your mate's got a lot to say to me,

or does she just do your dirty work for you?

Do you just wind her up do you and let her go?

I don't even know what this is about...

-Hi. -[Danny's mom] Actually...

-because it's just kids... -Yes,

-this is she. -[Danny's mom] ...messing about

in a school pla... playground and...

Sorry, can you just hang on a moment?

[Danny's Mom] ...everybody is behaving like kids,

it's got nothing to do...

Hi.

No, it's a good time.

-[Danny's mom] Mrs. Lamb. -Yes.

[Danny's mom] Did you see what she just did?

[sobbing]

Oh my God.

Jesus, tonight.

[Meg sighs]

I just want you to know that

I will personally take every complaint

very seriously from now on.

-[bus engines starts] -[exhales]

[Mrs. Lamb] Right, we're off.

And no more singing.

[children] Yeah!

-[retching] -[scoffs]

[children singing]

Kev, what happened?

Nothing. What? N... I've done nothing at all,

-I've done nothing. -Driving test, Kev.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've passed.

Ah, well done.

Look at my gloves.

Um, how, um, how was it?

Uh, how was... did you see the dolphin mosaic?

Oh, we didn't get there.

Bloody coach broke down.

But I did get the all-clear.

-Oh. -Oh, my God.

-Fantastic. -[squealing excitedly]

Yay, Meggy!

Take it to your grave, Kevin.

Roger that.

Ivy's mom, a word.

Taylor's mom has made a complaint.

[theme music playing]