Original subtitles

[projector clicking]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[♪]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[cheering crowd]

[helicopter whirring]

[man] Donk!

They're after you. They want you, mate.

-C'mon then, let's do this. -Let's go, we're all pepped up!

Let's go make music fuckin' history.

[man laughs]

Oh, yeah...

♪ Desperados...

I've waited me whole life for this.

Not even frickin' signed.

[radio chatter]

We're ready to rock. Scor-zay-zee, go first, big man.

-You gonna speak for me? -No, I'll speak to the crowd.

-Come on. -[crowd cheering]

[♪]

[Scor-zay-zee] ♪ Rupert Brown

♪ A.K.A Scor-zay-zee

♪ A.K.A Scor-lazy

-♪ Check it -♪ Rupert Brown

♪ Rupert Brown

♪ It's the man behind the face mask ♪

♪ Fake moustache walkin' with a fake bus pass ♪

♪ Sneaky bastard, Elaster plaster on my glasses ♪

♪ Catch me plastered, Pissed up ♪

♪ Chantin' backwards, In the Ford sierra ♪

♪ With leopard-skin seats

♪ My life's like an episode ofTwin Peaks ♪

♪ I told my girl that beauty's only skin-deep ♪

♪ Next week she's like

♪ "Yo, Rupert, can I move in, please?" ♪

♪ My bedroom's just a bunk bed with no springs ♪

♪ It falls apart every time the phone rings ♪

♪ My stereo chews tapes and gives me feedback ♪

♪ I write raps on toilet paper in a screen mask ♪

♪ They're always telling me to turn my music down ♪

♪ But they don't know about me, I'm Rupert Brown ♪

♪ Rupert Brown, That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo, That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me On the street ♪

♪ Just holla me, oi!

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Herman estate, the place Where I serve my game ♪

♪ Old people look at me, Spit and curse my name ♪

♪ Get stopped with Your own knife ♪

Him in number 5 Got his dick chewed off one night by his own wife ♪

♪ The milkman always walks With a hunchback ♪

♪ With about A thousand kids shouting "Daddy, come back!" ♪

♪ My next door neighbor's A nympho, we call her Pat the trollop ♪

♪ She's a woman but I'm sure I saw her Scratch her bollocks ♪

♪ And one day she chased us ror six miles With a sick smile ♪

♪ Flicked out with her tits out ♪

♪ Rupert Brown That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo, That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me on the street, Just holla me, oi! ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Rupert Brown, That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo, That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me On the street, Just holla me, oi! ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Rupert Brown [echoes]

[Shane] We'll just go and knock and just see what happens.

-That's his car. -[man] Yeah.

[knocking on door]

-Hiya, bud. -[door creaks]

Raaaaaaah!

-[Shane laughs] -How you doin', man?

-[Shane] How are you, mate? -It's not real, mate.

I don't condone that shit.

Just a fake tiger rug, man. Had fun on the market.

Is this it, then?

There's only about fuckin' three of you. What's the crack?

I thought there'd be loads of trucks and people, like,

hangin' around and that, and buffet trolleys and shit.

[Shane] Oh, you see, it's a documentary-style,

like I said, it's just like a documentary...

-A what, mate? -A documentary crew.

Right. Yeah, I thought it was like gonna be a big film

and I was wondering why you'd make a film about me anyway for the first place.

Yeah, it's not like me other films where you have, like,

a massive, massive crew or anything.

-No. Do you wanna come in then? -Yeah.

-[man] Donk! -[Donk] Mark!

[Mark] I'm not dressed, man, I've not got...

I told you Shane Meadows was coming round, man.

Look at the state of that tub.

[Mark] Nah, that's 'cause the fucking machine packed up.

And that's curry, right? That's from last night. I just dropped it,

and I've got no fucking clothes on and you're bringing him in.

It's not my problem.

Try your fuckin'-- look at the state of you, man!

Go and put some clothes on.

Sat there like a big fuckin' lesbian.

-Pay that bill and all. -[Shane] What's going on?

[Donk] People walkin' around my fuckin' house.

[Shane] It's a documentary. It's not like--

Have you seen any of my stuff?

Yeah, I seen a couple of your films, mate, yeah.

So you know my stuff is like...

-Ah, it's fuckin' great, man. -It's not like a feature film.

Did you ever see the documentary I made about the gypsy fighter?

-No, mate. -'Cause that's more like this,

where we just follow somebody round and we see what they do.

-Right. -So, like, the idea is,

I think you're an interesting character

and that the scenes that we get will come from your life.

-What are you doing? -Sorry about this.

-Is that a mobile phone? -He's putting all fucking--

I feel like Donnie Darko, man,

going in to fucking infiltrate the mafia.

It's crazy.

He's putting all this shit on me, man.

-Do I have to shave me chest? -[soundman] You do.

-No. -Do I have to shave me chest?

[Shane] [laughing] No! He's joking.

The thing that fears me about it, Shane,

is that if I'm too exposed.

I don't want to like be too exposed.

If I'm not acting-- I mean,

I can do stupid things and be crazy for ya,

like in your movies, like the guys who act in your films,

I can be fuckin' mad, yeah.

You know, I can do that very easy 'cause I'm particularly funny.

I just don't want to be exposed as a meanie,

'cause I know what can happen in these things is

you can grab hold of them and cut 'em the way you want 'em,

present 'em on TV, and if I'm having tantrums--

it happened to the fuckin' Osbournes.

They just showed all the tantrums, man.

And I don't want it to be a series of tantrums

because I am quite volatile.

As long as you promise to show

all the different sides of me nature and me character,

and all me different expressions, then yeah,

let's have a fuckin' riot, man.

[Shane] Of course I would not--

I mean, you know, you've seen my films.

-I work with real kids and off the street-- -Yeah.

I would never exploit anyone.

Obviously, if all you did was have tantrums--

That's all you could ever do.

You can't make choices and cut to shit that ain't there,

-but I'll give you the good stuff and all. -Yeah.

I'll give you the pieces of me that are really caring and tender.

[Shane] [laughs] Okay. Yeah, that's brilliant.

Do you want to see the kitchen, Shane?

It's a bit of a fuckin'-- It's a bit dirty

'cause these shack sacks have been in it for the past week.

Hey, I got a take-away last night. I never used anything in there.

[Shane] So you didn't used to live here?

-You actually-- -I lived with me missus,

Olivia, yeah, we were living together, man, this was my house

and then I started renting it out to the students.

And then, um...

I lived with her, you know...

Uh, for six months and then,

I'm back here now 'cause we've split up.

The plan is that I eliminate 'em all one by one

and get me house back, you know.

But there's certain rights that people do have

when they're renting from you in property,

so I'm just waiting for him to fucking slip up

so I can kick him on out.

But I've got six months, haven't I?

Yeah, you got six months, mate.

[whispers] I'll fucking knife the cunt.

Scorz!

Scorz...

[knocking]

-Heya, man. -Who's that?

Shane Meadows,

the famous maker that made that, um, film you liked.

What, they're filming you?

Yeah, they're filming me,

Yeah, he's doing something on me now.

All right.

Following me back on the road, man.

-I'm figuring some lyrics out. -Take your headphones off!

Be fucking-- Yeah, that's it! Come on, show some--

I was just figuring some lyrics out

'cause you said that if we write a track,

then you'd be able to give it to that record label.

-Too right, yeah. -My real name's Dean,

but people call me scorz 'cause my rap name is Scor-zay-zee.

It's spelled S-C-O-R-Zed-A-Y-Zed-double E.

And you know, it's got like a fancy spelling,

but I also-- I'm also called Scorzilla the gorilla...

But it's like a monster...

-Yeah, you were-- -A rap monster--

-Quite a fuckin' monster-- -Write monstrous raps.

You were very monstrous at one point.

-Yeah, well, that was, you know... -Yeah.

I lost it on the bud and that.

He lost it on the bud. Induced paranoia.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's all right.

But you know, new pastures--

[Shane] What does it say on your hat?

Oh, yeah, "Kids needs hugs, not drugs."

[Shane] Can you bring it into the camera?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, um--

[Shane] Is that something you've come up with?

-Yeah, it's my motif. -Yeah,

it's good for the media to see that.

-It's good for the kids and all. -You're not a rapper that raps about--

Should I leave you alone with him or are you gonna cut back to me now?

[Shane] Well, we'll be following you, so obviously,

-if he comes along later-- -I'm just wondering,

it's getting a bit too fucking focused in here,

I was just wondering if you wanna bring it back to me or not, Shane.

[Scorz] I'm just gonna, like finish up the beats or something.

Yeah, finish your beats and, uh, we'll talk later on.

-[Scorz] All right, Donk. -See you in a bit.

-Later for now, man. -Nice one, in a bit.

I'm, eh... going 'round to see her now.

It's a bit of a tricky situation.

She's got this guy who keeps going around.

I've nicknamed him "Sonic." I think his name's Richard

and he keeps going round and fuckin', um...

staying over, I suspect, you know,

being her buddy and all that shit.

[Shane] Is it a friend or...

[Donk] Yeah, he's a friend, they're just friends.

I think there's something more going on, man,

but I try not to put me imagination there.

But, you know, I thought we'd fuckin' be together forever, man.

I wanted that to be,

but just wasn't ready to be a dad, Shane.

She became pregnant...

after one drunken rollicking I give her.

It was a fucking-- I messed things up, Shane,

because um, when I first heard she was preggers,

I didn't want her to have the baby.

-[Shane] Right. -And, uh,

I tried to ask her if she would have an abortion

and she weren't having any of it...

[Shane] Ah, this is the thing with the roller coaster.

Yeah, so, we were up Blackpool and I says,

"Just have one last drink before you quit drink forever," you know,

"while you're preggy and just have one last glass of vino with your man."

I got her pissed and took her on the big one.

[indistinct dialog]

Watch these bushes, Shane.

Hey, baby.

[woman] Coming!

Hello, darl-- Oh, hey, mate.

-You doin' all right? -Yes, I am, man.

-How are you? -Not bad.

-Good to see you, mate. -Good to see you, too.

-[Donk] How are you, darling? -I'm good, thanks.

Really great to see you.

-[Shane] Are we okay to film in here? -Yes, of course.

[Shane] We just need you to sign a form

-to say you've let us use the house and stuff. -Okay.

We are only a couple of days away from the due date.

Yeah, which is why I've come round.

I just want to make sure you've got my mobile,

so if anything cracks off, if we're on high alert,

terror alert, you can just send me a fuckin' texter

and I'll be straight down there.

Well, I'll tell you when-- When it happens.

When it's happened.

No, I need to know before it's happened so I can be there in the room

for when it comes out into the world and breathes its first breath.

Right, well, we've sort of talked about this but, um,

I-- I, um, Richard's gonna be my birth partner.

Oh, is he now? And have you decided--

Have you tried to discuss this with me at all?

-Darling, should I go? -[Olivia] You don't have to go.

No, I think you should go, mate.

I think you should go, actually.

Okay, no worries, that's fine.

It's all cool, man. It's all cool.

[Richard] Give us a shout if you need me, yeah?

Yeah, hands in the air, man. It's all cool.

I'm not loaded...

with fuckin' destructive weaponry.

I'm not a suicide bomber.

Fucking-- You're having him at the birth?

What's all that about?

Well, he's been to all my classes with me.

-What classes? -My antenatal classes.

-My NCT classes. -[Donk] The what?

National Childbirth Trust classes.

Fuckin' hell, why didn't you tell me about these classes?

-I'd have come with you. -Yeah, I did, and you said,

"What a load of shit."

Shane, don't film this bit, mate.

-[Shane] What? -Don't film this bit,

'Cause it's weird having you here,

'cause I'm trying to talk privately and...

Why did you come here with cameras, if you--

'Cause I thought it was gonna be pleasant

but it's starting to turn a little bit fucking disruptive now.

-You're being a bit shitty. -It doesn't have to--

I'm not, I'm not being shitty. It doesn't have to be nasty.

I'm just telling you, Richard's gonna be my birth partner.

Right, and you haven't discussed it with me.

And he's there with the thing now, filming it, man.

It's a situation that's pretty sore to me,

so I'd rather you switched it off.

[Olivia] Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

[Shane] So, is this-- This guy is just a friend or a boyfriend?

He's my boyfriend, Rich is.

Well, you're not doing shit together.

What-- What-- What do you mean by that?

Well, you're not, like, boy-- as in--

you're obviously sleeping in separate beds.

No, we're not.

[Donk] Well, If you're not sleeping in separate beds,

then you obviously, uh, not getting up to any shit, are you?

Richard's my boyfriend. We sleep together.

What do you mean, "Sleep together"?

It's quite obvious, isn't it?

By what-- what do you mean?

Means we have a sexual relationship.

What, you mean he puts his...

[Olivia chuckles]

I can't fucking believe this. Shane, please.

What kind of a man is he?

He's my boyfriend.

Does he have to make love?

Can't you just nosh him or something?

Jesus Christ, man.

Never heard anything quite like it. I wouldn't do that.

If it was some other woman with someone's baby in me tummy,

I wouldn't put my dick anywhere near it.

That's disgusting, man.

It's almost verging on a bit of child sex.

[Olivia] No, it's really not.

Yeah, it's not natural.

And actually, it's quite useful at this stage in pregnancy to--

Sometimes, the sperm can, it's thought,

aggravates the cervix and can get labor started.

I'll aggravate the cervix.

I'll do all that shit.

I don't want you to.

[Donk] I can just nip round and do that, man.

No. Thanks, Nicholas, for the offer, but no.

I'm not Nicholas, My name ain't Nicholas.

-My name is not Nicholas. -[Olivia] It is Nicholas.

Yeah, but don't call me Nicholas in front of Shane

-and Derek and the boys. -Sorry.

Can't I just be at the birth?

No, I don't want you at the birth.

-Please? -I don't want you at the birth.

I'll phone you when it's here, okay?

I need-- I need it to be nice and calm

and I don't think it will be calm with you there.

You're gonna be an amazing daddy and you'll be involved.

You'll be the daddy, of course you will.

But I don't want you there on that day.

Where do I send flowers then?

-[chuckles] -I'd planned on

a big, massive load of flowers for you.

That's very sweet of you.

Do you mind if I have a cup of tea, please?

[Olivia] You want me to make you a cup of tea?

Please.

Ah, muchacho.

-[Richard] You all right? -Muchas gracias.

Put it fuckin' there.

Congratulations, you're gonna be

the proud fuckin' father of my child.

You're the dad. How's it going down there, all right?

Yeah, it's going great, actually,

we're talking about getting back together,

-as it happens. -[chuckles] Yeah, okay, cool.

Yeah, she can't resist my sense of humor.

[laughs] Sure. Yeah, great sense of humor.

Which is what got her into bed in the first place.

-Was it? -Yeah.

And after that, when she saw the size of my stonker,

that was it, mate. It was rockin'.

The war-- The war was over. The peace process began.

[laughs] You're a funny man.

She said yours was quite tiny.

-Did she? -Yeah.

-You sure about that? -Yeah.

Prove it then. Get it out. Show Shane Meadows.

I'm not getting it out in front of a camera.

Why not? What have you got to hide?

You get yours out then.

No problems, if you do yours first.

[Shane] I don't wanna see that, really.

-Don't ya? -[Shane] Not massively, no.

Just watch it, man. I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to infiltrate in there and you probably can't--

You're probably firing fuckin' blanks

and you're jumpin' in there with a woman already pregnant

'cause you can't have kids of your own.

They call people like you "Nonces."

-Really? -Yeah.

So just be careful, mate, and remember, I'll always--

If you're with Olivia, I'll always be in your life.

-I'm happy about that. -Oh, are you?

Yeah, it's no problem with me, mate. Fair is fair.

-All right. -Yeah.

Yeah, you wait till I start turning up a lot then.

You wait till I start turning up a lot.

Mate, as far as I'm concerned, you're the dad.

-See her as much as you want. -You're not that Zen.

-What? -You're not that Zen.

Nobody's that Zen, not even Confucius.

Gonna shit.

[Shane] What are you doing in here?

Sorry about that, guys.

-[Richard] Olivia, are you all right? -"Are you all right?"

What, does he think I've battered her or something?

[Shane] You've got to play a different game.

-What do you mean? -Well, the game you see is...

blokes like that, they play this sort of game where

they're always there and always being kind

-and always being sweet. -Right.

[Shane] And he's bound to have a side that's not like that.

He might be a nice guy, but if he isn't,

you being like this is just fueling the fire for her.

You know what I mean? She obviously--

She, at the moment, being pregnant, she wants somebody.

She wants like almost verging on homosexual.

Yeah, just go down and play different.

Maybe, you know, you-- you know,

He answered the door, he's clever.

Now, when she got up to make tea,

I didn't pick her up, did I?

No, you did it the first time, I saw it in your face,

I saw you thinking about it. Go down and be different.

Can we go back and get her to make the tea again and I'll--

No, do it from now, do it from now.

I just think-- It won't just happen today.

It'll happen over a period of time,

-won't it, Shane? -Yeah.

It'll get better as time goes on, won't it?

[Olivia] Your tea and coffee's here.

Thank you. Coming now, darling.

Yeah, this is great fun, man.

So I'm gonna head off up to Manchester anyway, and--

What are you up to? What are you doing?

I'm doing the roadying for these Arctical Monkeys.

-It's a new kids' band. -[Olivia] Arctic Monkeys.

Yeah, they're fresh out of school, man,

and they're taking the world by storm, so...

Got this new rapper that I'm working with--

-Yeah? -Called Scor-zay-zee.

Yeah, he's brilliant, man. Young kid.

-Great. -Big fuckin' kid. He's 20 stone.

I'm trimming him down to 16 stone in two months, yeah.

How'd you do that?

Got him on this program, this quick shake program.

He was in his bedroom, living on cheeseburgers.

He was just like a big lump with a fuckin' head. Yeah.

So anyway, I'm gonna let you two cats get on.

I'm gonna let you get on with all your fuckin' computer games--

-[Richard] Excuse me? -I'm gonna...

see you when I see you, when I get that phone call.

I will give you a ring, I promise.

Yeah, give us a ring, darling and I'll be down there as quick as I can.

Maybe I'll catch it, in case it leaps out.

Fuckin' worked, man!

It worked, you're right.

That worked sweet, man.

-[Shane] She bought it? -Totally.

Before, I was gonna be all like mad and that.

I was crazy, man. I was gonna bust him open, yeah?

I was ready, man, I was gonna carve him up like a fuckin' can of tuna.

-[laughs] Yeah? -Yeah, seriously, man.

When you said that, I found it so interesting, the psychology of it.

Well done, Shane. Good, I feel good about this now.

-Do you? -[Shane] Yeah, it's all good.

We're gonna really get somewhere with this.

It's gonna be an adventure and all.

It's good you went through it 'cause you wanted us to stop filming,

-but you stuck with it. -You stuck with it.

That's how you do. It's no different to being on a film.

It's fuckin' great, man.

When do we start getting paid, then, for this one?

Well, you get per diems every day, uh, for your meals and stuff.

I ain't had any of them yet, even.

You'll get them today, so you can buy yourself dinner and everything.

Okay, great, man. Shall we have some din-dins?

-Yeah, I'm starving. -Fuckin' too right, man.

-Brill'. -Yeah, I'm lovin' it, man,

-all the way, yeah. -Brilliant.

[♪]

[Donk] Oops!

Should we fuck off without Derek?

[Scorz] It's quite spacious, innit?

[Donk] It's beautiful, man.

All right, we're on our way to Manchester, boys.

Get ready to rock.

This is gonna be fun-dabby-dosy.

[♪]

♪ The opportunity's There for you ♪

♪ To take your life In your hands ♪

♪ And you know that I'm there for you ♪

♪ And I'll give you That chance ♪

♪ But if she cursed My name ♪

♪ Should I be cheated again?

♪ She'd surely do The very same ♪

♪ Yeah, you'd be Cheated again ♪

[Donk] Ooh, this is a long journey.

We'll have to stop off again, Shane.

[Shane] Yeah, whenever you want.

We're just doing what you're doing.

Well, I'm late now so I may as well just fuck the dog a bit.

[Shane] You know, I did manage to get you in the hotel tonight.

-Yeah. -So we're all gonna have a night together tonight,

'cause I know you can't start work till tomorrow anyway.

-Fuck yeah, mate, sweet. -But obviously you'll be in the camper tomorrow.

-Appreciate-amondo. -Yeah.

-Huh? -You'll be, obviously,

back in here tomorrow when you're on site.

-Yes. -Yeah, so that's the deal, I'll let you, you know,

obviously, we'll let you stop in the hotel tonight

as long as you know you'll move into this tomorrow.

What do you mean?

You're stopping in this caravan.

I thought I was in the hotel with you guys.

-Favored nations. -No, no, 'cause the film's--

Obviously, you're meant to be livin' in this.

Why don't you put me in the room tonight?

Dean sleeps with D.

-Yeah. -Right?

Tomorrow, um...

Dean has the rascal and I sleep with Derek.

[throat clearing]

In his place where he slept tonight for the next two nights,

so at least I'm in the hotel with you so we can party every night.

Well, let's-- No, you've got to be--

From what I understood, you've got to be on site.

I thought you were sleeping in the back of your car.

Initially, that's what you told me.

-I didn't say that. -You did.

No, man, this is you fuckin' manipulating me, man.

You're trying to-- I know what you're trying to do,

you're manipulating me, saying things I didn't fuckin' say

and trying to capture them on your camera, man,

man, to make your film interesting.

[Shane] All right, well, I'll cancel the room tonight then.

We'll fuckin' drop you at the Old Trafford cricket ground and have a think about it,

and if you don't wanna do it, don't do it, mate.

Here's another one: I'll drop you right here on the side of the fuckin' road

'cause it's my fuckin' rascal.

I've got three cars around me so that's fine. You do whatever you like.

Fine, we'll turn around at the next possible junction then,

unless you fuckin' accommodate me needs.

[Derek] You're just making the atmosphere heavy in here, Donk.

You're just making me wanna fuckin' kick you out the van.

Tell him, Shane.

It's just me and you, man.

If anyone's gonna talk, it's you.

I can accept it with you.

But not with your fuckin' mate there,

ol' fuckin' what's his flavor.

[Scorz] It's all right, Donk, it's all right.

It's just soured the air now.

What was a great day, full of great promise,

has turned into a fuckin' shit storm.

[Shane] Because you haven't got what you wanted, basically.

It's not what I want.

I thought you were gonna give it to me for three nights, man. It's all right.

One night in a hotel, fine.

[Derek] Look, there's no rooms left in the hotel--

Shut up, Derek, ya big fuckin' Leslie!

Well, we're finally here, boys.

-[Shane] Long day. -Rock and fucking roll.

[Shane] There's Mark-- look.

[Donk] Is this the man?

-You're the man, aren't you, mate? -[Mark] Hello.

-You're the man that makes the magic happen. -[chuckles]

How are you doing? Good to meet you.

He's told me all about you and that.

-All right, Shane. -How you raise money and that.

Steve, yeah, I'm all right, yeah.

-Right, you're the man with the-- Scorz. -My name' Scorz.

-All right, matey. -Mark. Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, right. -It's all good, man.

He says you're the man with the fuckin' ready-rub,

-so, let's talk business inside. -[Mark] Yeah.

And then please, can I have a shit without all this around me?

And please, can we meet in the bar and have a drink

-and proper introductions? -[Shane] Yeah.

[Donk] Would that be all right, Shane?

-[Shane] Yeah. Wrong way. -Where's this fucking van?

Yeah, wicked. Great hotel, man.

Like it, like it. Good space.

[Scorz] Yeah, not one of them Butler people

out to carry this, though.

That's what I thought they was for.

[Donk] Can't any of your crew people help him, Shane,

carry that big thing around?

[Shane] What's that? Sorry?

Can't your mates help him carry this shit around, man?

He's gonna have a heart attack, ain't ya?

-[Shane] We haven't got many-- -Not a heart attack,

a back attack. I've hurt me back.

We're here. It must be down here.

-Very nice place, innit, Shane? -Gorgeous.

Thanks very much for this, man.

-That's okay, man. -I appreciate it.

Even if it's just one night, it's one night of luxury I need, man,

-after that hard journey. -Yeah.

[Donk] Right.

Great stuff. 280...

Here we go, look at that.

Right, monsieurs,this is where Donk says au revoir.Yeah?

[Shane] Well, can we not just pop in and see what your room's like?

No, I don't want the crew following me around everywhere all day, man.

You've got to give me some time out.

You know what I mean? I'm gonna go have a crap.

[Shane] Okay, do you want to take that in, Scorz?

Just leave it out there, mate. Just wait out there a bit.

-[Scorz] Someone will nick it. -They won't nick it in here,

it's a posh hotel. Just put it round there.

[Scorz] Yeah, but we're in Manchester.

That don't matter. Don't be like that.

Nothing wrong with Manchester. Put it up against the wall.

I'm just gonna go and have a shit, mate, all right?

[Shane] Can we not come in with Scorz then?

I don't want anybody here. No, Scorz, you're not coming in just yet.

-Why not? -'Cause I want to have a shit in peace.

Just stand out there for 15 and I'll be out, yeah?

-Fuckin' hell. -All right, you can come in in 15,

but Shane, that's it for today, man.

Have half an hour and then meet you in the bar then--

-[Shane] Are you coming down? -Yeah, I'll come down for a quick one.

-You promise? -Yeah. All right?

Cutting terms. See you later.

[Shane] [laughing] Is he gonna wait out here then?

I can't shit with people in the room, man.

-[Shane] Okay, all right. -[Donk] See you in a bit.

[♪]

[♪]

The situation is I'm coming up here,

doing me job as a roadie,

but also I've got this delicious sideline in Scorz

-with his rapping talents. -[Shane] Yeah.

The plan is to bring him up there

and get him around the music industry.

That's the first plan.

The second plan is...

You don't bring an artist like Scorz to fuckin'--

a big do like this,

and not get him up on the fuckin' stage doin' their stuff,

you know what I mean?

[Shane] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Scorz] How do you reckon we'll pull that one off then?

Don't know yet. There's a way.

Meet the right people, talk to the right people...

and, uh... see if we can pull it off. I've got fuckin' contacts, mate.

[Shane] What, before people get there?

No, no, right there in the middle of all them people, man.

Get Scorz on to do a number. Come on fast, hit them.

What a fucking showcase. 50,000 people.

[Shane] How realistic do you think your chances are about that?

-Sounds pretty far-fetched. -Hundred to one, mate.

Well, I likes them odds. Them's the odds I likes.

Yeah?

[Shane] What do you think about that, Scorz?

Would you be willing to do it?

That would be the best opportunity of my life, I think.

And my old girlfriend will come back,

"Oh, I didn't mean to leave ya. [whines]

Now you're a big star."

She'll be laughing on the other side of her face.

Yeah, are you gonna smack her right in the face?

-With the mic. -Yeah.

With my mic.

-Smack her with your mic. -[Scorz] Yeah.

[Donk] I'll be fuckin'--

Just stroll up, man.

You all right, Nigel?

-All right, how are you? -How you doin'?

-Good to see you again. -Good to see you, man.

-How are you? -Yeah, great, man, great.

-Ticking over nicely. -What you been up to?

Oh, you know me, this and that.

-Good. -Keeping me life together,

working on-- working on some new acts.

Oh, aye? What's that then?

Well, Scor-zay-zee here.

-Hi matey, how's it going? -He's one of me new acts.

-Not too bad, not too bad. -Yeah, he's a rapper.

-A rapper? -Yeah.

What do you want me doing then?

I dunno.

Are you just down for the weekend then, or...

Yeah, yeah, I got called up there, didn't I, so...

I assumed there would be a few quid at the end of it--

Well, we can always use your usual face, like, you know.

Yeah, great, man.

Scorz, how do you feel, man, being on a big stage?

-This is my dream come true, Donk. [laughs] -It's amazing, innit?

-Look at that. -[Scorz] I mean,

I wouldn't have dreamed of this in a million years.

[Donk] And at the minute, there's not even anyone in here!

-It's just empty. -Did that man say we could rap on stage?

Well, he's not the man to ask, but I'll be working on that,

don't you worry, mate.

Let's go find someone who'll know, though.

Yeah, I could do a stage dive.

Not from there, mate, you won't make it.

-See that barrier? -I've always wanted to do a stage dive.

Well, don't try it here, mate.

Have you got a trampoline or something, I could just--

-Just-- You know? -You could always do

a Beth Ditto and climb down and that.

-[Scorz] Big belly flop. -[Donk] Yeah. Flop into the crowd.

-Yeah. -[Donk] Mark.

Have me passes arrived yet, man?

-Yeah, they're coming now. -Sweet.

[door closes]

-Right, I've got some passes. -[Donk] Great.

Is mine the one with all the, uh, triple A's on it?

-Wicked-- that's mine. -[Shane] Show us it, Donk.

That's Donkenstein's pass. Check that out.

-Triple A, man. -What does that mean, triple A?

-Access all areas, sunshine. -Ah, wicked.

Yeah. You should have one of them, Shane.

How come his is different to yours?

'Cause he ain't allowed round the backstage working and all that, but you are.

He can't go where I'm going, no.

Now what's he doing, going to the vanby?

Yeah, you're gonna go back in the vanby and write some songs, yeah?

-Yup, yup, yup, I gotta work on me keyboards. -Keyboards. There you go.

Come on, Scorz.

Work to be done. It ain't all fuckin' around.

Here you are, shack sack.

Don't get into any trouble, will you?

Can I borrow your magazine?

It's there, you twat.

Oh, I see. I thought it was parked over there, sorry.

♪ She ain't never Going to call ♪

♪ She's lost in the fog

[Shane] Hello?

-All right. -How are you, mate?

Not bad, I'm just trying to figure out

how to get some beats going on this keyboard here.

But Donk, like the Donk he is, ain't brought no batteries.

Do you know anywhere where I can get any power to plug this keyboard in?

I don't at this moment in time,

but if you hold on till we deal with the coach...

Thank you.

[sighs] I don't think she knew much, did she?

♪ Ah...

♪ Ah, ah, ah...

♪ Ah...♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

[Donk] Different bloke here, aren't I?

'Cause I'm at home with this. I think I might just

sack it all in and just fuckin' go on tour, man.

[Shane] I suppose after what's happened

with your missus and everything, you've got no--

-Yeah. -Problem obviously seeing the kid.

Yeah, I'll see him, man.

But, yeah, if she don't want me there, man, fuck it.

This is in my blood, you know?

Maybe I should just, uh--

Just pursue the things that I want to do in life and--

I'll meet the kid when it's 18.

We can meet up again. There's ways of doing it now.

It's not like the olden days where someone went to another country

and you never saw hide nor fuckin' hair of them again.

I'm mean, it's pretty much like--

What with internet now and fuckin' downloading pictures

and this, that and the other.

You can keep in touch, and I can watch him grow

-via the fuckin' web. -Yeah.

That's the way it's like, mate,

it's like having a cyber pet, almost.

Just a kid that comes online every now and again,

I can live with that.

-For real? -Yeah.

-[Scorz] Hello? -[knocking]

Hello?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, do you know where I can plug my keyboard in anywhere?

[overlapping dialog]

[man] Go all the way around.

[Scorz] Nice one, nice one.

Did he mean here? He didn't mean here, did he?

-Is that the sound check done, yeah? -No, just line check, mate.

Yeah, I know, line check, then we're gonna come back

and do the full sound check after lunch.

Yeah. Yeah, come and get involved more, you know.

Yeah, I'm going to, man. Gonna get on them drums, man.

-You in a band? -Yeah, I am, actually.

-Oh, yeah? -Well, I manage a band, yeah.

-You manage a band? -Yeah.

I've got a rap act too.

He's fuckin' trundling around here

like the honey monster with a fuckin' lobotomy.

-I've seen him, yeah. -Yeah, just--

Believe it or not, he's very talented.

-Yeah? -Yeah, he's a very talented rap artist.

Don't be fooled by the fuckin'

"Tell 'em about the honey, mummy" exterior-- Here he Is.

-Scorz, come here, mate. -All right?

-Yeah. -I still--

Not one of them bastards have helped me

-plug me keyboard in. -The van.

-I know, but-- -I'm telling, um--

What's your name again, brother?

-Scoot. -Scoot.

Telling Scoot about your, uh, conversion to Islam.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on, then, elaborate, you fuckin' lump.

You said don't say anything.

No, well, talk to him now. You're allowed.

Oh, all right. Well, I-- Yeah, I was thinking about

the purpose of life and, you know,

why are we here and existence, you know?

It's kind of a-- Who created our eyes,

who created our fingers, you know?

So I-- I started praying in Islam,

praying and reading the Qur'an and stuff like that.

[chanting] Al-hamdu lillahi rabb il-'alamin.

Ar-rahman ar-raheem. Maliki yawmi-d-din.

Iyya-ka na'budu wa iyya-ka nasta'in.

Ihdina-sirat al-mustaqim.

Sirat al-ladhina an'amta 'alai-him.

Ghair il-maghdubi 'Alai-him wa la-d-dallin.

That's-- That's the first chapter of the Qur'an.

-[Donk] Cut, Shane. -[Scoot] Should we go and get some dinner?

-[Donk] Let's go and get some din-dins. -[Scoot] All right.

Um, Shane, do you know where I could plug this keyboard in?

Fuckin' hell. Um...

Well, not up here, man. Look out there.

That's the main stage, so this probably isn't

the best place, Scorz, to be honest.

What about that, um, little shed over there?

Have you not got a power cord in the vanby?

No, no, no.

I've gotta go have me dinner, mate.

-Anyway, good luck with that. -All right, see you, Shane.

-See you. -[clattering]

-You all right? -Yeah.

[♪]

Bring that over here.

All these engineers and I'm doing it meself.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

[♪]

Excuse me, mate.

Do you-- Do you know how to work keyboards?

[man] Yeah, you press the keys down.

Yeah, but I just wanted to get a hip-- I wanted, like, a hip hop beat on it.

It's a new keyboard and I ain't got a clue how to really use it.

-Plugged it in? -I just plugged the out--

I'll plug it in and see.

-[Hip hop beat playing] -Oh, fuckin' brilliant.

♪ I've got this freestyle Chopper, not a copper ♪

♪ But I don't give a fuck, I'll chop you with ♪

♪ A helicopter propeller, A capella ♪

♪ I slap a fella Like a Goodfella ♪

♪ But really I'm a 'hood fella ♪

♪ S-C-O-R-Zed-A-Y-Zed- Double E ♪

♪ And no M.C. can trouble me

♪ Believe me, You're not seeing me ♪

♪ Like Stevie Wonder

♪ Watch you under, Don't make a blunder ♪

♪ You're gonna crumble When you stumble, Motherfucker ♪

♪ This is the rumble In the jungle ♪

♪ Me and Shane Meadows Making a film ♪

♪ Motherfucker I don't give a damn ♪

♪ I'm like a big fat trucker With sweaty armpits ♪

♪ Pamela Anderson Is my girlfriend ♪

♪ I don't give a fuck When I flick ♪

♪ I'm, like, psychiatric, Schizophrenic ♪

♪ Psychosis, on some white...

[fades]

[Donk] What do you reckon to Scor-zay-zee then?

-No, he's good. -Brilliant, isn't he, man?

I was very impressed. He just kept going.

Does he make it up on the spot or is it more...

I think it's a 50/50 thing.

Some of it he just goes into a trance-like state.

That stuff about cricket, that had to be off the cuff.

There's got to be certain lines

that you've got stored though, there's gotta be.

Yeah, he's got some shit in the backlog, yeah.

But, uh, if you're struggling, mate...

for a support slot.

That'd be good.

Scorz, he's fearless, man.

-That'll get 'em up, the crowd. -What, you on drums?

Yeah, I'll do a bit on drums, if that's all right.

[Donk] Scorz impressed them so much today with the impromptu

that they've offered us the possibility of a 2:30 slot

on the Sunday.

[Shane] And that's the final day?

The final day, to showcase Scorz.

So that's the crack now. He's got the chance to do one song

in front of 50,000 people...

And, um... so this is what we're waiting for now.

Fingers crossed that he comes along and gives us the okay

that we can do the fuckin' show now.

Hiya, Mark. How ya doing, mate?

-I'm good, yeah. -All right, Carol?

-Hello. Claire. -Claire.

Fuckin' Claire.

What's the crack then, Mark? What did they say?

Well, um...

-We've got a slot. -Wicked.

-You what, mate? -You've got a slot.

You're joking.

-[Shane] Really, Mark? -Half past two.

Yeah, lads heard it, manager, everyone heard it,

and was-- The band heard it.

The Arctic Monkeys heard it and... half past two.

They were watching, the Arctic Monkeys were watching,

they were doing all like this with their foot...

Anyway, I've just been out, just got it, and you're on,

and you're gonna get introduced.

Just tell 'em what your name is.

-Cheers, mate. -It's all right.

Thanks very much for that, brother. [laughs]

Thank you very much. Cheers, man, I can't believe it.

-There you go, there you go. -I'm gonna get some beers in.

Things what dreams are made of.

-What do you want, Shane? -[Shane] I'll have a pint of lager--

-Celebrate, shall we? -[Donk] Celebrate, man.

-[Shane] Champagne, mate. -Not sure they do champagne.

-They do milk. -[laughter]

I'm not a champagne man. Can I have just a pint of

strong European lager please?

[♪]

[knocking on door]

-Open the door, you twat. -[Mark laughs]

-It's me, man. -Eh up, Donk.

-How you doing, mate? -I'm fine.

Do you mind if I have a beer, people?

-[indistinct dialog] -Great stuff.

[Shane] So, have you done any practicing at all

or is this your first session?

[Donk] Fuckin' shit-sticks, man.

Do you wanna rig me up properly with this?

-[man] Sorry, dog. -I nearly lost me hip.

What you're privy to here?

Mine's the Beck's.

Ain't a-- It's not performance as such.

It's just a, uh, fuckin'...

work in progress. You know what I mean?

We're just rehearsing, so don't-- don't expect perfection

-or... you know-- -[Shane] Don't worry.

Yeah, it's just, we're working it through, man,

'cause we're still writing it.

[Hip hop beat playing]

-Come on. -All right.

Old Trafford, you're doing terrific.

Yeah, the rain's pouring. So what?

It might be sunny. I'll change that.

Yeah, it's a sunny day, come on, I've got an alternative.

Yeah, come on, get out your sombreros.

I need a pretend mic or something.

Um, use the bottle here.

Here we go, here we go.

♪ Making money off us Like slaves ♪

♪ Got us competing Against each other ♪

♪ Calling each other names

♪ Calm down, Jeremy Cable ♪

♪ Kids asking me Where I got my trainers ♪

♪ How much I bought 'em

♪ How could I tell 'em The price ♪

♪ Knowing full well Their mothers ♪

♪ Just can't afford them

♪ Calm down, Ricky Hatton ♪

♪ Calm down, Elvis Parsley ♪

♪ Calm down, Ryan Seacrest ♪

-[laughter] -[music stops]

The reason why I'm mentioning all these people--

-[Shane] Right. -Is just like the fuckin' randomness, like,

just 'cause they're names out of a hat

doesn't mean that they're not--

Don't get furious from time to time.

So I'm not saying, "Calm down, Mum,"

I'm saying, "Calm down, Ryan Seacrest,

calm down, Worzel Gummidge, calm down, Hilda Hogden."

-[laughter] -"Fuckin' calm down, Fanny Cradock,

-calm down, Jimmy Nesbitt." -[laughter]

"Calm down, Bob the Builder,

"calm down, Curtis Stigers,

"calm down, Elvis Parsley,

calm down, Ricky Butcher."

You know, it's just that thing in your brain, it's like--

[woman] Scorz, where do you get your inspiration from?

Um...

I'm just trying to make my mum and dad proud, really.

-That's about it. -[women] Aww...

-[chuckles] -[Donk] Yeah, it's--

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a good-- good philosophy.

Trying to make Donk proud as well.

Trying to make me proud, man. I'm not even in--

I'm not even a part of the fuckin' show, man.

I'm-- I'm just the back line.

You were brilliant.

My names are good, though. The list of names is fuckin'--

-[Claire] But what Scorz is doing-- -It's just backing--

Yeah, it's increasing the show--

-You probably shouldn't talk over him. -I'm not talking over him.

[Shane] There was a minute where you did pass over each other.

That's when I come in at the end with the hundred fuckin' names, man.

[Claire] You can't hear what he's saying though.

[woman] It's just a shame--

Yeah, but I got bored of what he was saying,

'cause it was just the same old fuckin' same old.

He's got a lot of issues that he writes--

So have I.

[Claire] But you can just say it after he's finished his bit.

All right, okay, yeah, all right,

let's try a version where I don't sing fuck-all,

and see how-- see how interesting he is.

[Claire] Yeah. Well, you know, whatever.

[Hip hop beat playing]

♪ Yo, yo

♪ Even heroes die

♪ The demons got to Bruce Lee ♪

♪ The night The scarecrows cried ♪

♪ And Buddy Holly crashed His plane from the sky ♪

It's the same old shit.

Same shit, different beat!

♪ Disguised as a record label Inviting him to the wealth,

♪ The high life itself, The price your health ♪

Same shit, different beat, mate.

♪ Evil people fighting over Your royalties ♪

[Shane] That's a nice beat. Would you not think about changing it for that one?

I prefer that one-- this sounds a bit like a keyboard.

[women agreeing]

Fuck you! Who's writing the fuckin' song with him?

[music stops]

Me or these wenches?

Come on, man, it's getting fuckin' ridiculous.

We're the artistical ones and they're just fuckin' ligging on,

-man, on the back of you. -[Claire] I don't appreciate being called a wench.

I don't appreciate you coming in here and fuckin' with me art.

What's so funny?

[Claire] Because you're tripping over.

-I'll trip in a minute. -[music resumes]

Turn that fuckin' thing off right now.

-[music stops] -It's over, man,

the session's over. Fuck off.

-But we need to practice. -Come practice in my room.

Seriously, man, come on.

I was gonna go for a drink with them all.

[Donk] Yeah, go on then, you big womble.

I'll tell you what, Uncle Bulgaria,

you go and have a fuckin' drink with them

and they'll write a song with ya.

Why are you calling him a womble?

Because he is a big, stupid fuckin' womble.

'Cause he's not listening to me, and I told him.

He's got a fuckin' lot of talent actually.

[Donk] Oh, you discovered it, did ya?

-Are you gonna be buying his records? -No, but I appreciate it.

Are you gonna be there when he has his next breakdown?

Are you gonna been getting him through the hard times?

-I don't think so. -Well, how do you know?

[Donk] How do I know?

Well, don't rappers have an entourage?

How do I know, candy pants?

'Cause I fuckin' do know, man.

'Cause I roll with it.

I saved this guy from fuckin' self-destruction.

So you sit there in your fuckin' tight jeans and all that,

with your bras popping out.

Acting like fuckin' groupies what don't put out.

There's a word for you. Prick teasers.

Come on, Scorz, we're fuckin' going.

There was never a chance with you, mate.

[Scorz] I'm gonna go with Donk, so...

Thanks a lot anyway for having me.

[Claire] See you tomorrow, Scorz. Well done. Well done.

[Donk] Come on, mate.

You can eat from my shit box.

[woman] It's a shame, though, he's such an idiot.

The truth is is that Scorz went up on stage himself.

Donk had thrown him out

and made him go back to the fuckin' caravan,

and Scorz got on stage, and then he got in on it,

and now he's trying to take over and it's disgraceful.

[Claire] Scorz is the talented one.

Yeah, I mean, but the thing is, that's really funny,

'cause we were laughing our heads off at all the other stuff,

so I thought he knew it was funny.

[woman] Just completely took it the wrong way.

-[knocking on door] -[Shane] He obviously took it dead seriously.

Is that him?

-[Mark] Just ignore him. -[Claire] Just don't answer it.

It might be Scorz though. It might just--

[knocking continues]

It might be room service. Hello? Who is it?

-It's Donk. -No, Donk, you can't come in.

Just open the door, man.

Otherwise he'll be fuckin' out there for hours.

You offended everyone.

Oh, come on, man, just let me fuckin'--

[Shane] You can't keep doing it like this,

'Cause I've personally fallen out with you twice.

Just let me apologize. I'm sorry, girls.

I know you're decent women.

You're not like the usual slags who put themselves around.

I'm sorry. I'm not used to, like,

mixing with ladies like yourselves with intellect.

Usually the girls I roll with are kind of stupid.

Just want to apologize. I didn't mean it.

Go.

Scorz, you best go in the front,

-unless Derek wants to get in the front. -[Scorz] Yeah.

[Shane] Yeah, yeah, you two go in the front.

-Have you got the power supply? -Yeah, it's in my pocket.

[Shane] Have you got all your words with you, all your names?

Yeah.

[Shane] And did you carry on working on that?

I carried on working till about three in the morning.

[Shane] Have you got any new ones in there?

Got loads of new names, man.

They're probably what I worked up last night.

After you went, I come up with shitloads, man.

Was writing them down, so we went to, like, uh...

Adolf Hitler, Terry-Thomas,

Thomas Turgoose, Edith Bowman,

Enid Blyton, J.R. Tolkien,

J.K. Rowling, Sally-- uh, Selwyn Froggitt,

Mr. Blobby, Whoopi Goldberg,

Steak and kidney, Martha Stewart,

John the reverend, Mary Whitehouse,

Rodney Trotter, Richard Madeley,

Desmond Llewelyn, 9/11,

Johnny-- Johnny Bumshaw.

[Shane] Now you have to-- get it-- it works,

and pull it toward-- that's it.

[Donk] I think- I think it's straight on here. Yeah.

[Shane] I thought you knew where you were going, like.

Yeah, I do.

[Shane] So is it straight on?

Yeah. [groans]

[Shane] Can you drive a bit more normal, mate?

-[Mark] I spilled me coffee... -[Shane] You're doing that on purpose,

I can see you wiping your mouth.

[shouting and groaning]

[Mark] Donk, you're gonna fuck the van up.

-Aw, Donk. -Oh, jeez.

[Donk] That's not me, that's Shane Meadows, man.

-[Shane] Is it fuck me? -[Donk] Yes, it fucking is.

[Shane] How come he-- Mark smells it first, then me?

[Donk] Where's the fucking, uh, football ground?

[Mark] We've gone past it, the entrance, the side, the artist entrance.

-We need to turn around. -Be just in there, yeah?

[horn honks]

-[woman] Can I help you? -[Donk] All right, love.

[woman] Can you stick this on your windscreen?

[Donk] All right, love. On the inside?

[woman] Yeah, just do it in the mirror.

Just go straight through, yeah?

Look at that, "Le Donk."

They haven't put your name on it, Scorz.

[Scorz] It's all right.

[Shane] That's one, two, and grin. Sorry about that, mate.

I did say, like, you know, the fucking artist is Scor-zay-zee.

[Scorz] We're gonna have to go through, yeah. Starting to get butterflies.

-Are you? -Yeah.

-We're not even performing tonight. -[Scorz] I know, but...

[Donk] Now if we can grab a few people to play our shit to, that'd be great.

Get the parrots in, someone to have a fucking listen to what we're doing.

[Scorz] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Donk] Just to get some professional feedback.

[horn honks]

Get out of the way, you fuckin' sasquatch.

We only got together as an act on, uh, Wednesday.

Like, with me, as well.

I mean, he's been performing for years, but then, come Sunday

we're here opening for the biggest gig this weekend in England.

It's progress, man.

-One-two, one-two, one-two. -[Scorz] Yo, yo, yo.

Just me first. One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Deirdre.

One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Deirdre.

One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Jerry.

One-two, one-two.

Any good?

Two-two, one-two.

[♪]

[feedback squealing]

♪ Yo, yo, yo

♪ Hey, yo, I write the type of phrases That are twice amazing ♪

[voice fades]

♪ You said it's your brain

♪ Playing tricks with All the time ♪

♪ Act like you're young In the bright morning sun ♪

♪ With a future you're still Yet to climb ♪

♪ And the light of a lamp

♪ Bouncing back off the glass

♪ Stood at the gate In a glorious state ♪

♪ Where you're going, I'm too scared to ask ♪

♪ The streets outside

♪ Are warm and clear

♪ Love can't hold you here

♪ I hear your voice

♪ Whisper stay

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

[♪]

♪ I remember us once

♪ In a fabulous place

♪ Nothing around, No image, no sound ♪

♪ Had the strength To really exist ♪

♪ You all wrapped in white

♪ The start of the end

♪ And I all alone And away from the stone ♪

♪ A force to be reckoned with

♪ The streets outside

♪ Are warm and clear

♪ Love can't hold you here

♪ I hear your voice

♪ Whisper stay

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

[♪]

[Donk] I am...

What I am.

Just Donk.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I sometimes sit and fucking think about it a lot and...

Yeah.

I remember this one night I took her out.

And she'd had an 'ard week at work, and I'd a--

-I'd a pretty fucking 'ard week and all, you know, but-- -Yeah.

I remember thinking, "I ain't gonna go out and get lashed,

you know, I'm gonna fucking go home and treat her."

So, I went in-- went in the house and says,

"Oi, you. Get your fucking glad rags on.

"You're going out tonight for having a real treat

for having a hard week."

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I said, "And by the way, it's gonna be on me."

She was like, "Ooh." She skipped off up the stairs

and come down with a nice dress on, you know,

-and a pair of earrings and, uh-- -Yeah.

I said, "Get in that chariot."

I said, "It awaits you, my darling."

-Mm. -And, uh...

then she go-- we're driving along, she goes,

"Where are we going, then?" I says, "Berni Inn."

All right.

And, uh, yeah.

We went to Berni Inn, man. I made love to her that night.

Oh, yeah.

And, uh... I lasted quite long.

-Yeah. -Yeah, man.

-Longer than usual. -Yeah.

So, I were-- I think it was 'cause I was more relaxed.

-Yeah. -And I started-- I switched off.

I just, uh, thought of Mike Tyson and that seemed to--

seemed to make the feeling go away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, uh, yeah, it was great, man.

Afterwards we spooned, you know.

-Mm. -In the "s" position, and...

-Yeah. -Goodness gracious, I mean,

I've tried spooning before, but, you know,

usually I get a fuckin' dead arm and sack it but--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, that night, when we fell asleep spooning,

-we woke up spooning. -[chuckles]

-You know what I mean? -Yeah.

And in the morning...

went downstairs and she cooked me eggs, man.

Did 'em over easy, all right,

and I sat at the table and just watched her cooking these eggs,

and it was like a vision of fucking heaven, man.

Why, was she naked when she was cooking?

-What? -Was she naked?

What do you mean, was she naked, man?

No, 'cause you said you'd had sex the night before...

-No, she wasn't naked. -Oh, right.

No, she had a fucking nightie on, man.

-Oh, right, right, right. -"Was she naked?"

-I just thought, innit, man. -Thought what?

You trying to get some image in your head

so you can have a-- like, a wank-off to it or something?

-No, no, no. -Fucking jeez, man.

I'm spilling me heart out to you,

you're trivializing it to fucking, you know--

-Sorry. -Porn, man.

-Yeah, yeah, sorry. -Yeah.

My mind just runs away with me sometimes.

I'm giving you poetry, and you're fucking in

the back pages of Zoo.

-Yeah. [chuckles] -Fucking lights out.

Jesus Christ, man.

That's the last time I'm fuckin' intimate with you

about me feelings and things.

[sighs]

God, me coccyx is fucking doing me.

[groans] Jesus Christ, man.

Never do your back in. Never do your back in.

[sighs]

-I need that butt massage. -[phone ringing]

Fucking Jesus.

Hello?

Yeah, you all right, Richard?

Yeah, what's the crack, mate?

Eh?

Oh, man.

So, it's-- it's on its way?

-She's off, she's off. She's in labor. -What's happened?

-She gone into labor. -Fuckin' hell.

Can you fuckin' believe that, man?

Can you believe that on the eve of a big show like tomorrow,

she's gone into labor, man?

And we're still gonna do the gig, though, yeah?

Well...

I don't-- Yeah, man, I mean, no, I don't know, uh--

I don't know, man, I don't know, I don't know what the crack is.

I'm gonna head back now. I'm, uh--

You know, I don't know what the crack is with labor.

It could be two hours, it could be two fuckin' days, mate,

but I want to be there, if you know what I mean, man.

Can't you go there and come back tonight, or...

I don't know, mate. I don't know what the crack is. I think, uh--

-All right. -Yeah, the--

Yeah. But I'm probably gonna have to head home, man,

I'm fucking sorry about that, doing it--

Fucking hell.

[Shane] Can Scor-zay-zee stop if one of our cameras stops? And could he--

How complicated is what you do on the keyboard and that.

Is it gonna be difficult?

Uh, it's--

It's a lot of beats, man.

It's a lot of beats, I mean,

I wouldn't want that responsibility

to go to anybody else in case they ruin it,

'cause it's-- 'cause it's-- I wrote the fucking beats.

And that's the mechanics, I mean it's intricate work--

Can't you show me how to do it?

I don't want to kid you, man. I mean, no, it's gonna--

-It'll take some training up, I mean... -Yeah.

[Shane] So, can he not do it if-- As well?

Um...

Well, it's just that thing of all the hard work I've done,

you know, I've got a lot of-- Gah, I fee-- I just want to--

Oh, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

No, you gotta play it, man. You've gotta play it.

Yeah, I mean, I can do it. I reckon I can do it on me own

in 20 minutes or something like that.

Yeah. Listen, man.

I'm just being fucking selfish, man.

Course you can play the gig. Course you can play the beats.

What you have to do is stand there

and press two fucking buttons, and that's it, man.

I'm dressing it up as something bigger than what it is,

but it's not, 'cause I'm a talentless fuck-pig.

But show me before you go what-- which button it is...

-Yeah, I will do, man. -And I'll do it.

Why dress it up as anything more?

I'm the guy who stands at the back of

the fucking Pet Shop Boys pressing buttons, man.

-Yeah. -It's easy, you're the man, you're the talent,

I'm just a fucking piece of old shit.

Yeah.

Don't put yourself down, Donk, you're just about to--

Let's face it, man, look at me, I'm washed up, man.

-No. -Yeah, it Is.

I've got coccyx trouble, my vision ain't what it used to be.

I'm fucked, mate. You're the talent.

You're the man with the drive. Who am I kidding?

Look at me, man.

♪ These ain't tears

♪ It's just the rain

♪ We should say bye

♪ On a sunny day

♪ And this ain't love

♪ Despite the pain

♪ It's just that things

♪ Change

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

[♪]

[gate opens, closes]

-Hey. -Hey.

How are you, mate? All right?

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's all right, man, it's good, good!

Okay.

I really appreciate you coming back, mate.

-No worries. -It's like four hours.

Congratulations.

Yeah, congratulations to you, mate, well done.

Congratulations to you, surrogate daddy.

Yeah, well, listen, um... what I thought,

-I'll just go and put the kettle on-- -Yeah.

You guys can have a talk and you can see the kid and--

Brilliant, brilliant. How is she? Is she okay?

She's absolutely fine, mate.

She's looking forward to seeing you, I think, actually,

-so, uh-- -Oh, aye?

Yeah, so yeah, go upstairs and I'll get the kettle on.

Thank you, man. Fantastic.

After me. [laughs]

Cheers, mate, no worries.

Hello, pretty.

-Hello, love. -Hi.

Hope you don't mind me coming up. Richard let me in and--

[Olivia] No, I'm pleased you could get here.

-Hello, mate! -Here he is.

-How you doing? -[baby coos]

Hello, fella. What's the crack down there?

Is life good, man?

Fantastic, wowee!

Do you think he looks like you?

Yeah, he looks more like you actually...

-[baby coos] -Yeah, you do, man.

You got your dad's chuckle, which is great.

-[chuckles] -[baby coos]

What's your name?

-Finn. -Finn?

-I think Finn. -Yeah, that's pretty good, man.

-I was thinking of Leaf. -No, Leaf's gay.

Finn's good. Finn's a good, strong Irish name, man.

Hey buddy, how you doin', man? He's pretty big, isn't he?

Yeah, he was, I think, the biggest my midwife has seen.

Fantastic, man.

So how long did it take to bang him out then?

Um, actually, very quick. Three hours.

-Fantastic. -It was quicker than--

'Cause it can take three days, can't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it can take a long time.

Did they have to use a pair of spoons to pull him out

or anything by his head?

-A ventouse. -Eh?

-Yeah, they used a ventouse. -Okay.

-It's a sucker cup. -Oh, right, okay.

He actually didn't bruise very badly on his head.

-Fantastic. -And that's when everything

sort of exploded and there was quite a lot of blood

and... things there.

Got a lot of stitches.

-Yeah, who'd wanna-- -Yeah.

Who'd wanna go there?

Well, no one's going there for quite some time.

Yeah, I bet, yeah.

You know, this kid I told you about,

-this Scor-zay-zee. -Yeah.

He, uh-- I was like managing him, almost,

and trying to get things to happen for him

and it frickin' happened for him.

-Great. -He's got this gig tomorrow.

Yeah. He's opening the show for the Arctical Monkeys.

-For the-- -The Arctical Monkeys at Old Trafford,

yeah, yeah, and he's-- he had me--

had me playin' keyboards for him.

-Right! -But I came back, obviously,

I came back for this, so, I mean, it was a chance, right,

it's his chance really to be

in front of 50,000 people and play a show.

-Right. -I just-- I just said to him,

I said, "It's your show, dude, it's not my show.

It's fuckin'-- I'm gonna go back home and see my child,"

and I'm freakin' glad I've seen him. You know?

I feel fulfilled now. I feel different now today.

-Do you? -Yeah, transformed, you know.

Yeah, maybe you should go and do it.

Oh, nah, man, no. No.

I've realized, man, I'm not--

I'm not that stupid-- I'm, uh--

I'm not the talented one. You know what I mean?

I never have been really. I've hung on the coattails of artistic people,

and, you know, gone along and blagged it all,

but no, I haven't got it, you know? I'd rather--

But you've always wanted to do that, haven't you?

-Yeah, I know, but-- -That many people?

Oh, it's the stuff of dreams.

Well, it would be a really good story to tell your boy.

I feel a frickin' rockin' moment comin' on here.

Maybe you should go and do it.

Yeah, maybe I should go and do it, eh?

Something to tell you, won't it, when you're bigger,

that your dad played to 50,000 people.

-[baby coos] -Eh?

What do you think about that?

Think it's cool?

-Yeah, man. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yeah. All righty-on.

But if you need me for anything, ring me.

Okay.

I'm not trying to get meself foot in the door, man,

if you need me, genuinely, ring me.

If you want me to fix your boiler,

anything like that, call me, man, and I'll do it.

Thank you, Nicholas, that's lovely.

Thanks, Nicholas. Nicholas.

All righty.

Well, listen, man.

I'll see you later, buddy.

It's good to know you're safe.

Have a good one, yeah? Put her there, man.

He can't do that-- can't do that yet.

-Oh, I see. -[baby exclaims]

Yeah! Take care of yourself.

And you, good luck.

Good luck with everything, man.

-Well done! -Thank you.

Well done, you.

Well done. For being born.

Bye-bye.

-I'm gonna go and do it. -Say "Bye-bye, Daddy."

I'm gonna play this frickin' show, all right, all right!

-See you later. -Bye.

See you later. See you, mate!

-[baby exclaims] -Okay.

-He's crying now, I'm going-- -I know.

-I'm gonna split. -Okay.

-See you later. -See you.

-[crowd cheering] -[helicopter whirring]

[Shane] Donk!

[Scorz] They're after you, they want you, mate.

Come on then, let's go and do this.

Let's go, we're all pepped up!

Let's go make music fuckin' history.

[man laughs]

Oh, yeah!

♪ Desperados

-[cheering continues] -[helicoptor whirring]

I've waited me whole life for this.

Not even frickin' signed.

[radio chatter]

We're ready to rock. Scor-zay-zee, go first, big man!

-You're gonna speak for me? -No, I'll speak to the crowd, come on!

[cheering]

[Donk] Manchester, how you doing?

-[crowd cheering] -All right!

You thought you were getting five bands today, didn't ya?

We got a little bonus goin' on for ya.

'Cause we're friends of the Arctic Monkeys

and they love us so much that they want us to open for them today.

-Oh, yeah. -[cheering]

This is me and Scor-zay-zee, we're not even signed,

but we're gonna bring some beats to you right now

so you fuckin' rock in the sun and drink some beer

and get going. Come on, kids!

[Scorz] Yo!

Come on, people, yell! Put your hands up!

Put your hands up! Put your hands up!

Put your hands up! Yo, yo, check it, check it, yo.

♪ Heyo, I write the type Of phrases that are Twice amazing ♪

♪ Isolate your mind and state, I rhyme a rate Where time and space ♪

♪ Could either change Your eyes and face ♪

♪ Put little nano bots In your veins ♪

♪ And make you drink water Until you evolve into a lake ♪

♪ I mold the landscape, Know the masons' handshake ♪

♪ Jumped off the top of Scotland ♪

♪ And made the Arabian desert Sand shake ♪

♪ Write until my hand aches

♪ Freestyling for 24 hours Like Band-Aid ♪

♪ Scorzilla The last vigilante ♪

♪ Most be communicatin' With canine diseases ♪

♪ You're heathen, doubled up But you're not breathin' ♪

♪ I'll pull my tongue out And shoot ya ♪

♪ Beatin' me is like Seeing Stephen Hawking

♪ Speakin' without a computer

Donk!

♪ Just calm down, Deirdre Barlow ♪

♪ Just calm down, Stephen Hawking ♪

♪ Calm down, Tinky Winky ♪

♪ Just calm down, Mork and Mindy ♪

♪ Yo, I make more noise Than steel whistles ♪

♪ grab ya spine 'Cause I got your back ♪

♪ Like Lisa and Phil Mitchell With a steel pistol ♪

♪ You're gettin' Smacked upwards and Cellotaped back together ♪

♪ On the way down like I snatched the glasses Off Jack Duckworth ♪

♪ 'Cause if I get in The pop charts ♪

♪ I'd probably flop Top of the Pops ♪

♪ By knocking out Every member of Popstars ♪

♪ Go on Big Breakfast When I blow ♪

♪ The first thing I do is diss Crossroads ♪

♪ Pull a moony and wipe my snot nose ♪

♪ Take the piss out of Richard Bacon For snorting coke ♪

♪ I'm chopping whack heads with propellers on water boats ♪

♪ What's the scores, George Dawes?

♪ Have ya whore on all fours With sore pawpaws ♪

♪ On her knees From the raw floorboards ♪

♪ Lord of all warlords, I wasn't born ♪

♪ I just crawled and evolved More pure thoughts ♪

♪ Ignoring small talk you all bore ♪

[Donk] ♪ This ain't got nothin' on me ♪

♪ Edith bowman, Enid Blyton, J.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling ♪

♪ Selwyn Froggitt, Mr. Blobby ♪

♪ Kill ya mama, Mary Whitehouse ♪

♪ Bella Donna, Stephen Hawking, Shirley Krebs ♪

♪ Your Uncle Fester, Mork and Mindy, Jimmy Melon ♪

Ricky Rocket, Janet Kling, Georgie Porgie, George Abund ♪

♪ Willy Wonka, Monkey Magic ♪

♪ Trippin' tongue and Bonnie Langford ♪

♪ Halle Berry, Harold Shipman! ♪

-[music stops] -[crowd cheers]

[Scorz] Yo!

[Donk] Thank you! You've been fantastic!

-Yo! -Thank you, Arctic Monkeys!

-This is Scor-zay-zee! -[cheering]

[Scorz] Yo!

Nice one, people, thanks a lot, you're good, man, you're good.

[♪]

♪ Reasons

♪ I got a few

♪ I know a new age is comin'

♪ Comin' for you

[indistinct dialog]

♪ Two fingers of gin

♪ And a four beat crawl Get us through ♪

♪ Ruthless

♪ You gotta be

♪ Or all the winders and wasters ♪

♪ Get in for free

♪ Two fingers of gin

♪ And a four beat crawl Are on me ♪

♪ Don't lay down, Jude

♪ Don't lay down

♪ Or I'm out on my own again

[no audible dialog]

[♪]

♪ Don't lay down, Jude

♪ Don't lay down

♪ Or I'm ready to roam

[♪]

♪ Well, this ain't The first time ♪

♪ That a crooked man's

♪ Full circle has been known

♪ Well, this ain't The first time ♪

♪ That a crooked man's

♪ Full circle has been known

[♪]

[Scorz] Someone's gonna get their bloody legs broke,

that's what I say.

Look at that poor...

♪ Underground noise, loudmouth, pound coin dropper ♪

♪ Spit proper, Opera vocal cords hotter ♪

♪ Sock and pool ball splitter Smoke the brocca ♪

♪ Spit sicker, Last day survivor ♪

♪ Quick thought pattern Paint pictures ♪

♪ Tight-fisted miser, Pepper spray ♪

♪ Rock proper Verbal top shotter Cross and bow fire ♪

♪ Blow ya bus up, Dennis Hopper, show stopper ♪

♪ For a purpose King wordsmith ♪

♪ Scripts and curses, Pyramid lyrics ♪

♪ My words are churches, Pressure pipes bursting ♪

♪ Clear the building, Something in the air ♪

♪ I can smell A million poor rappers ♪

♪ Jaw snapper, Court action taker ♪

♪ I'm the graphic design Creator, pace maker ♪

♪ Ancient tale teller Rock the crowd ♪

♪ Like Killa Keller, A cappella fella ♪

♪ Show these cats It's just Cinderella ♪

♪ Underground chilling In the cellar, Feelin' better ♪

♪ So cold you need A sweater forever ♪

♪ This is something you prefer♪

Me? I'm the man like weather ♪

♪ Letter for letter I'm better than any intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant To my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being, I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ letter for letter I'm better than any intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal♪

♪ With the stamina that'll challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being, I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ Life progressor, brain processor ♪

♪ Power poet, White cloud mover ♪

♪ Make your own image, Never timid, No clever gimmicks ♪

♪ Pen classics...

[Donk] Well, when I first got piles,

I had a quite severe case of ass jellies.

When I first got it,

it was at the time of those Frankenstein food scares,

way back in the day, so I was like,

decided I'd get someone to take photographic evidence

of me crack and I'd present it to a solicitor

and we'd put a case forward and to try and sue some of these companies.

Because... my, uh...

My butt hole's very battle-damaged.

There's a few fantasies I still need to fulfill.

Yeah?

-Yeah. -Such as?

I've never had two dwarves at once.

[laughing]

I did a hermaphrodite in New York,

-that's common knowledge. -[laughing]

[Shane] We've got to hear that story, fuckin' hell.

No, I just did a hermaphrodite.

I got off with this woman in New York,

when I was working with Guided By Voices over there.

And um, she was beautiful.

Like something from Andy Warhol's factory.

So, she made a beeline for me. I'm like,

"You must be fuckin' crazy, duck, look at me."

I'm a shack sack.

But no, she was adamant.

So took me back to her place.

-She lived in a loft. -As they do.

As they call it, like, artistic, trying to make a living.

I'm getting down to it. Beautiful breasts, crackin' on and that,

she's noshing on me, great stuff, I go down...

pull her knickers down, she's got a willy.

-[laughter] -Anyway, I freaked out.

I said, "Look, what you fuckin'-- What are you doin' to me?

"I'm out of here, I'm out of here!

You're a freak! You're a freak!" She started fuckin' cryin', man.

And her mascara was runnin' down her cheeks,

these mascara snakes and...

"Everyone thinks I'm a freak, man," and all this.

And I just felt-- felt sorry for her, so I gave her one.

-[laughing] -That was really weird.

It was really weird riding someone and then, uh...

jacking them off at the same time.

It was really strange.

[man 2] Back way around?

Yeah! Well, I was sort of--

-[laughing] -It was the back shot position

and I was doing that.

[man 1] Like a--

[Scorz] Oh, that way, yeah.

[laughing]

[Donk] It's all right.

Great fun, man, she was all right.

I said, "I've got one condition: don't spunk on my belly."

♪ Letter for letter

♪ I'm better than any intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being, I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ Letter for letter I'm better than any intelligent

♪ Veteran that's irrelevant to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll Challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being, I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

[♪]