All language subtitles for A.Gun.a.Car.a.Blonde.1997

Thank you.

So, who's the blonde?

She's one of the chicks that hangs
around here. She's child crazy.

This isn't mine. Mine was bourbon. For
sure it is. You saw me pour it.

Give me a break.

Anything you say.

That piano.

Feel those vibrations.

You don't get your kicks out of it, do
you? I can live without it.

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

I bet I know.

You're lonely in the big city.

Oh, you don't have to go into a routine
with me.

I like it because I do.

Hey,

how's it going?

Great.

Need anything?

I've got a new spinal cord.

All right.

I'll go to the spinal cord for a first
bang in the morning.

Need for the methadone method?

God,

I really hate that stuff.

Makes me feel like I'm trapped inside a
giant marshmallow.

That doesn't really make the pain go
away, you know.

Still in there with me.

Inside the marshmallow.

Put that thing away.

My blood pressure's just fine.

What would you say if I said I wanted to
kiss you? I wouldn't say that.

How come you're still up?

I have trouble sleeping when I know that
you're not.

Um, need to go potty?

Bobby, I'm gonna fire you if you don't
quit using that goddamn baby talk.

I just don't want to skin about your
filthy ass in the morning.

Breakfast

is

ready. I'm not really hungry, kid. Now
we gotta keep that strength up.

Hey, Dylan. Richard.

Richard, Adela is late again, so I had
to make breakfast.

Now I'm going to be late for work.

She's late, so I'm late.

Oh, why so glum this morning, Richard?

I wasn't aware of being particularly
glum.

Well, you know what I said.

If you don't get bitter, you have a
chance to get better.

I'm not bitter.

Hello. Good morning, Adela.

Not to worry, Adela. I took care of
breakfast myself.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's just she wake up this morning and
she be sick in her stomach.

Is she okay now?

Oh, yeah. She's fine now. She's watching
cartoons.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice to lie in bed
and watch cartoons all day?

Would you like some more coffee,
Richard? No. Adela. No.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to be late for work.

What do you think, Richard?

Too much titty?

Oh, peep, I'm your brother. What
difference does that make?

Adela, what do you think? Too much
titty?

Yes, too much.

Oh, well.

Have a good day.

You too.

Thanks for making back up. Well, you
took care of me when I was growing up,

and now I'm going to take care of you.

There's a ton of clothes to be washed,
Adela.

Okay.

Hey, Bobby.

What do you think?

Too much tootie?

What did

you say this

was called?

Kombucha tea.

Kombucha's kind of like a mushroom. Been
around thousands of years.

I got a buddy who's got AIDS, started
drinking it last year. Now he feels

twice as good and he beats me a tenner.

Cheers.

What?

Good God, Duncan.

I have a strange urge to...

Yeah, this is Duncan. Go ahead.

Dr. Zuckerman, how's tea?

Oh, great.

Listen, I may have found one down in
Long Beach. I got an appointment to take

a look at it at 4 o'clock. I was going
to call you right after.

Okay?

All right, talk to you then. Bye.

What are you working on?

I'm looking for a 59 Cadillac for this
Israeli dentist in Sherman Oaks. Hey, I

got a picture of it right here.

Dr. Zuckerman said when he was a kid
growing up in the kibbutz, he saw a

picture in a magazine, been dreaming
about it ever since.

Duncan, only you would have a job
finding Cadillacs for rich dentists.

So why don't you come down to Long Beach
with me? We'll take the caddy out for a

test spin.

We'll cruise down PCH, crank down the
windows, crank up the radio. It'll be

just like the old days.

Not exactly just like.

But come on, Richard, you're becoming a
damn hermit.

Hey, got some Chinese food.

Got some egg rolls, some spare ribs,
some egg foo young, moogoo guy pants,

sizzling beef with black bean sauce.

Got it from that new place down on
Sunset. No, thanks, Bobby. I already

ate. I was just telling Richard he needs
to start getting out of the house more.

More?

He don't ever get out.

You know, Mr.

Spraggins has got more important things
to do.

Like?

Like laying in bed and watching those
old black and white movies on cable 24

hours a day.

Oh, hey, you sure you don't want some? I
mean, this is the finest thing this side

of Shanghai.

Maybe later.

All right.

Your fortune cookie.

Poor guy.

All he wants to do is open a Chinese
restaurant.

Instead, he's stuck lugging my pitiful
bag of bones around.

You know, Rich, I've been checking it
out. I found a wheelchair basketball.

Now, look, don't rag on me.

I don't want to play basketball with a
run from Kim.

So how's Peep?

Peep?

Peep is Peep. I'm sorry to hear that.

She's got her good points.

Yeah, she's got two good points if
you're a boo man.

Duncan, she's my sister.

My only living relative.

Don't think she don't know that.

What's that supposed to mean?

Come on, Richard. She never had any
particular use for you or anybody else

for that matter. And now suddenly you
get sick and she's your best pal?

She's trying to take care of me. What's
wrong with that?

Richard, Bobby and Adela take care of
you, not her.

All I know is this place sure beats that
dinky little apartment she had in Culver

City.

Also... Also what?

Come on, Duncan.

You've had spinal cancer, man. You're in
remission, and you and I both know

you're going to stay that way, but I'm
not sure Peep does.

And like you said, she's your only
living relative.

What?

You think she's waiting for me to die?

You got a lot of stuff, man. I mean,
this place, your tire business, you got

a little money in the bank, and you and
I both know Peep is very into stuff.

She's the kind of person stuff was
created for. She's the queen of stuff.

Well, that is the stupidest thing I've
ever heard of.

Bobby!

Bobby!

Oh, Jesus.

Man,

this dude's always got to be the center
of attention.

That's right.

Holler if you need anything.

Greetings from the marshmallow.

What's it like, the pain?

Sometimes it's like my spine's been
replaced by a red-hot poker.

And other times it's like this maniac is
slicing my

legs with a razor blade.

But I thought you weren't supposed to
have any feeling in your legs.

Only pain.

What did the doctors say?

Take more drugs.

Damn doctors, that's all they know.

Where would they be without their
fucking scalpel subscription pad?

I know where I'd be.

Dead.

There are new ways of dealing with pain.

Hypnosis, biofeedback. Oh, Duncan.

I'm not in the mood for your new age
bullshit.

It's not bullshit.

And it's not new.

It's all up here, man.

Everything's up here. The ancients knew
that.

You're going to be late for your
appointment.

Fuck my appointment.

You remember what Milton said, don't
you? Milton who?

Milton Berle.

Milton who? John Milton.

The mind is its own place and in itself
can make a heaven of hell or a hell of

heaven. I'm reading this new book.

What is it this week? Guardian Angels.

Nostradamus. Alien abductions.

Objectification therapy.

Could you hand me my cigarette?

It's a way to escape suffering.

Physical, mental, spiritual, whatever.

It's very simple, really. All you do is
objectify yourself. You're not you

anymore. You're somebody else. Somebody
minus the suffering.

It's so simple, I have no idea what the
fuck you're talking about.

I'm talking about a deep form of
fantasy.

Sort of like self-hypnosis.

You know I like tennis?

So I just say, you're at Wimbledon
playing tennis.

The finals, you're playing Bjorn Borg.

Borg's pretty old. You can probably beat
him now.

And I imagine the Greengrass Court, and
the crowd, and the Queen.

And then I am... No, I live every point,
every stroke, the forehands, the lobs,

the smashes.

Oh, Duncan, you're... You're talking
about daydreaming.

No, no, no. You've got to go deeper than
that. You're not yourself anymore.

You're somebody else.

Okay.

Okay.

You're an Israeli dentist, and...
Sherman Oaks.

You finally have her in the chair.

Give her a whiff of the laughing gas.

She goes limp, you go hard.

You turn everything into a joke.

It is a joke, Duncan.

Didn't you know that?

A huge, ghastly joke.

Hello, Manning.

I thought I had it, but ran in second.

Too bad.

It's Thomas, all right.

What'd you find on him? Usual stuff.

Wallet. Around 50 bucks. Medium price.
Watch.

Click Davis reporting.

I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me if
I gave my right name.

Did I apologize for last night?

I won't think I'm really forgiven unless
you let me make up for it tonight.

Great, doll.

I'll call for you early.

We'll dine, we'll dance, maybe we'll
even look at the moon.

Rick Stone.

Your name is Rick Stone.

Rick Stone.

Your name is Rick Stone.

Rick.

Please make it stop!

I have got something to show you. Now, I
used to think garage sales were a big

waste of time. I mean, who wants to buy
somebody else's junk, right?

But I think I hit the jackpot.

Oh.

Looks like we got a new neighbor.

Yeah, looks like it.

I saw a moving van there yesterday.

I knew that place was going to rent
soon. It's such a cool little house.

It's kind of pretty, don't you think? I
mean, in a bimbo kind of a way.

Let's go see my surprise.

Richard.

Okay.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, now, Richard, it's kind of early
in the day, don't you think, Richard?

What? Oh, come on, you stink of it.

Pete, this is my house. Oh, Bobby, bring
it in.

Put it on the sofa.

This? It's my present to you, Richard.

I hope you like it.

See?

See the resemblance?

Between her and me.

Oh, yes, yes.

Okay,

now, let's see. Where are we going to
hang it?

How about there?

Peep, there's already a picture right
there.

Oh, but that is so...

And you know she was a heroin addict.

Now this, this is a fireplace painting.

You hold it, I'll go get a hammer and
some nails.

Now don't look at me like that.

All I did was bring the damn thing in
from the car.

Rick Stone.

Private eye.

There's a soft knock at the door.

Rick?

There's someone here to see you.

Tell him I'm busy.

Tell him to make an appointment.

I'm not a him.

So I see.

It's okay, buddy.

I'm Jade Northley.

Rick Stone.

How much do you make in a month, Mr.
Stone?

Whatever it is, I'll pay you that for
days.

Trouble, thy name is Jade Northley.

You know the smart move.

Throw her out the door bodily if
necessary.

But you've always been a stone sucker
for long legs and disdainful eyes.

Why don't you sit down, Mrs. Norfleet?

I'm a Mrs.

Mrs. Norfleet.

Okay, Mrs. Norfleet.

Why don't you sit down and tell me what
your problem is?

You think there ought to be a legal
limit on the length of legs.

You think the Gam Squad ought to drop
the hook on Mrs.

Norfleet, toss her in the cooler and
throw away the key.

My problem is...

Someone's trying to kill me.

That's interesting.

What makes you think that?

Oh, a silly trifling thing.

I'm probably just paranoid.

Well, we can never be too careful these
days, Mrs. Northley.

What happened?

A man tried to strangle me to death.

I see.

Someone you know?

I'm not sure.

The room was dark.

It was Tuesday night.

I was tired and I'd gone to bed early.

I was having a dream.

What were you dreaming?

I was dreaming I was sunbathing in my
backyard. I was putting on suntan

lotion.

I knew someone was watching me. I didn't
know who he was or where he was.

I just knew that he was there and that I
wanted him to watch.

I wanted him to watch more than
anything.

Then what happened?

Then? I woke up.

He was on top of me, choking me.

What did you do?

I tried to rip his face off.

I think I did a pretty good job of it,
too.

He screamed and ran out of the room.

You called the police?

Of course.

They took their own sweet time in
getting there.

A badly dressed detective showed up,
poked around a little, said he saw no

signs of forced entry, drank two cups of
my coffee, and then asked me out for a

drink. I don't think he believed me.

Why should I believe you?

But why would I lie?

So where was Mr.

Norfleet when you were being strangled?

Well, in his grave, I hope.

That is where I laid him to rest last
year, Mr. Stone.

He was only 63.

What happened?

It was the old story.

Hot tub.

Young bimbo.

Heart attack.

Stop. I'm going to start blubbering.

Now, let's examine the possibilities.

Either this is the random act of a
madman... Yes.

...or someone has a particular reason to
want you dead.

Any angry boyfriends, past or present?

I'll leave him smiling, Mr. Stone.

You'd make a bet on that.

Can you think of anyone who would
benefit from your death?

No, no one.

What's your financial status?

Rich, I'm afraid.

Mr. Norfleet left me a rather nasty
amount of money. It's a bit

embarrassing, but there it is.

And if you croak, who gets the dough?

Well, Madge, I suppose.

Madge?

My sister.

She's my only living relative. But you
can forget about Madge. Why?

As I said, she's my sister.

We're very close.

Now, Mr. Stone, will you throw your
cloak across the mud puddle for me?

Will you rescue this damsel in distress?

Why me?

There's a thousand dicks in this
screwed-up city.

Your reputation preceded you. What
reputation's that?

Please, Mr. Stone.

Praise the face is open disgrace, as my
mother used to say.

Let's just say I heard you know what
you're doing and that you're on the

square.

Why the hesitation?

Don't you like me, Mr. Stone?

Can't, sweetheart.

Sure, I'd like to take a roll in the hay
with you.

I think I would have to be dead or
paralyzed not to, but liking's got

nothing to do with it one way or
another.

I'll take your case.

First thing I ought to do is take a
little look-see at the crime scene.

You mean my bed?

What's your address?

5-11 Amherst. That's in Brentwood.

I'll be there at 3 o'clock this
afternoon, but I want you to keep one

thing in mind.

What?

I ain't your knight in shining tinfoil.

I'm in this strictly for the dough.

She must have really done a number on
you.

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby? Bobby's not here.

I sent him down to Georgina's to pick up
dinner. Your favorite restaurant.

To Georgina's?

Where'd you dress yet?

For what?

Did I tell you?

Oh, pig.

Oh. Oh, for Christ's sake, Richard, I'm
your sister.

Not like you've never seen my legs
before.

Okay, okay, okay.

Anyhow, I met this guy down at the
office.

His name is Sid Bundy.

I've invited him over for dinner.

Better.

He's got this really big case down at
our office.

So you be nice.

He's going to be worth a pot full of
money one of these days.

Especially. with me helping his case
along.

You know, I may only be a secretary, but
I am a very smart secretary.

Richard, please.

I really like this guy.

I am so tired of fighting it out out
there on my own.

And after what happened with you and
Debra, I know you understand.

Adela's already cooked dinner.

No, none of Adela's Mexican food for
Sid.

He's too special.

Bobby and I like Adela's cooking. Plus,
it's the only thing he'll eat other than

that damn Chinese food. You know, he
better be careful or his eyes are going

to slant.

And then we'll have to call him the
Black Chinaman.

Anyhow, I gave Bobby the night off. I
wanted to take care of you all by my

lonesome.

Do I have to be there?

It's good for you to meet new people.

The thing is how you refuse to go out
and socialize.

I'm doing you a favor by bringing the
company to you.

I really like this guy.

I need that big brother seal of
approval.

Yeah, right.

Well, you better get rid of that.

Poor Bear.

What a shame I had to let him go.

Well, c'est la vie, as they say. And you
know, you're right. It's better to be

safe than sorry.

Is that Bobby anyhow? He is so
unreliable.

You really should think about firing
him, Richard.

Well, I mean, now that I'm here, I
really see no need for him. You know, we

could get one of those chairlift gizmo
things for the staircase.

I'd be willing to quit my job. I could
just take care of whatever needs taking

care of around here. Would it be nice to
have me around 24 hours a day?

Where are you going?

Richard!

I thought you could wear that blue suit
with the blue tie. You look so nice in

that.

You're driving your 59 Cadillac.

Driving. Driving.

Driving down a sunny, rotten street in
the city of Angle.

Towards Brentwood.

Towards three o'clock.

Towards the mysterious Mrs. Norfleet.

That's a good one.

Well, Penelope, honey, you just didn't
tell me what a good cook you were.

Well, it's nice that you appreciate it,
Sid.

Peep spent a lot of time making this
meal.

Didn't you, sis?

Peep?

Mm-hmm.

When Richard was a little boy, he
couldn't say Penelope. He could only say

Peep, and it kind of stuck.

Well, I'm just learning new things about
this little darling every day.

Not only are you a great little cook,
but you're a hell of a little decorator,

too.

That's a pretty nice piece of artwork
you've got hanging over there, Richard.

Must be worth a tidy little bundle.

I know about these things. You know,
back in the old days, I lived downtown

with all the artsy folk, you know.

Are we ready for dessert?

Dessert, too.

It's your masseuse.

People was up all night making that.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to make a
little more room, then.

My goodness.

Richard, that's a hell of a long woman
you got tanning after you there.

You're a lucky guy.

Now, how'd you get everything? It made
nothing. That's what I like. Well, now,

that's not true, Sid. You've got that
big case down at the oven.

You're gonna make a lot of money.

Why don't you tell Richard all about it
while I get dessert?

All right, baby.

Well, Richard, I was...

Tending bar over to this fancy hotel in
Beverly Hills.

Maybe you know the place, being a fancy
guy yourself, the Beverly Corinthian.

Sorry, I don't believe I do.

It's one of those frou-frou places that
caters mostly to the very rich European

clientele. Nice enough folks when you
get down to it, but not much in the tip

department, though.

Let's go. Oh, there you go, Chief. Let
me get you something.

And I told them when they first hired me
several years back,

that I couldn't lift anything on account
of I got me this bad back, right?

And one day, the little Mexican fella
that stocks the bar for me, he took

sick. Well, Lillian, that's the manager
of the place, she's one of them women

that thinks she knows everything, you
know?

Well, she told me to go out back and get
a case of beer because we're running

low. Well, I said I couldn't on account
of my back. But Lillian, she don't care

about anybody but herself.

You know the time?

I guess I could say that I do, yes.

Yeah, we all do, don't we?

Anyhow, Lillian responded with the case
of beer or my job.

Well, I'll be goddamned if I didn't
injure my back so bad that I can't be on

my feet over five or ten minutes without
hollering like a stuck pig.

Well, the pain got so goddamn bad that I
had to quit.

Now, I was in that job for three years,
and not once was I ever late or

insulting to those hoity-toity clients
that got over there and wouldn't piss on

you if you was on fire.

But I tell you what, I'm going to tear
them to your ass. Well, like I said,

Ted, the hotel's the best place that
could have happened.

They carry big insurance policies.

Just a gold mine waiting to be mined,
I'd say.

Oh, here you go.

Here you go.

There you go.

I just love blue ties.

Don't you, Richard?

I found them so sad.

Oh.

Where are you working for now until he
helps you mine that gold mine?

Actually, I'm kind of between jobs right
now. I understand you're in the retread

tire business.

That's right.

Retread tires.

Kind of a funny fate for an English
major.

Well, it must be pretty lucrative from
the looks of things around here.

Richard bought a struggling business,
and he made it lucrative.

He's always had the golden touch.

You know, I'm... I'm almost glad that
Richard doesn't have to go down there

and work every day. It's in a perfectly
dreadful part of town.

South Central.

You know what?

Going to a neighborhood like that won't
invite me about knowledge.

You know why?

That's why I'm right there.

So, Sid, do you have a permit for that?

Do I have a permit?

Richard's son, that is a permit.

It's a permit for walking the streets
and being afraid of nobody.

Goddamn, is that an earthquake or
something? No, he's just having a muscle

spasm, poor thing.

What? Muscle spasm.

Sit down, Mr. Dessert.

You know, Richard, you can call me
stupid, but there's something I just

don't quite understand.

You're dealing there now with your leg
and all.

I thought you were paralyzed.

Oh, I am. That was just an involuntary
muscle spasm.

Actually, it's a good thing.

It keeps the muscles in my legs from
atrophying.

Withering away?

I'll tell you what, you've got a good
attitude about it all. It's hard.

Life gives you a lemon and you just make
lemonade out of it.

That's your philosophy, isn't it?

You're a perceptive man, Sid.

Thanks.

It's a gift.

My mother's got that perception deal,
too.

Goddamn.

Like that.

How'd you like to have a piece of that,
huh?

You know, Richard, just between you and
me, you know, kind of man to man,

does the old plumbing still work okay?

I'm not stepping on your toes here, am
I?

Well, if your dad said, I wouldn't feel
it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I did it.

That's a good one.

Yes, sir.

You wouldn't feel it.

Yeah.

Define 511M.

You'd think it looks kind of modest for
the house of a nastily rich young widow.

But you're just a low-rent flatfoot with
whiskey breath, holes in his socks. What

do you know about the rich?

You hear it.

That little voice yapping inside your
head. Hey, Rick.

Yeah, you, you big moron.

Turn around and run like hell.

And like always, being the big moron you
are, you tell the yappy voice to buzz

off.

You left your front door open, so I just
walked right in.

Of course, whoever tried to put the big
squeeze on your neck Tuesday night could

have just walked right in, too.

How careless of me.

Perhaps I have a death wish.

Hello again, Mr. Stone.

Her hand is hot, slippery as an eel with
oil.

You hate the idea of letting it go.

Well, Mrs.

Norfleet, it looks like you got your own
little private garden of Eden here.

Lacking only an atom.

The scene of the crime.

No sign of forced entry, you said?

No.

Did you lock the door that night?

Yes. Anyone else have the key?

No, no one except Madge, of course.

Your sister?

Yes. After I suffered my tragic loss,
she was kind enough to move in here with

me and help me through my grief.

What a doll.

So did you live here with the late Mr.
Norfleet?

No, we had a very vulgar mansion in
Bel-Air. But after the tragedy, I sold

the house and moved here.

Too many memories, you know.

Just couldn't stand looking at that hot
tub, huh?

Boys will be boys, Mr. Stone.

Now, won't they?

Not me. I like to be a girl. I find that
difficult to believe.

Want to see my garter belt? I'd love to.

Now, this is a real work of art.

My sister Madge gave it to me.

Mr. Stone, I'd like to introduce you to
the two detectives working on my case,

Detective Petrovich and Detective...
Monk Moore. How you doing, Monk?

Just swell, Rick, till you walked in.
You know, I don't like to be called

Monk. Yeah, Monk, I do know that.

Mike, you know why I like this guy?

Because he's a real wisey.

That's right, and I just love wiseys.

How do you two know each other?

Well, one day I lifted up a rock and
Monk's looking up at me, blinking in the

sun.

This guy cracks me up.

So, Mrs. Norfleet, me and my partner's
feelings are a little hurt here.

Why'd you go hire Snooper? You don't
trust us with a job?

I'm just protecting my interests.

Surely you can understand that.

Well, I'll be leaving now, Mrs.
Norfleet. I'll walk you to the door.

See you around, Monk.

Picklepuss?

Petrovich. Whatever.

That's a real piece of wood bait.

You ever been to a chop suey joint
called the Black Chinaman?

No. Is this an invitation?

Nope.

An idle question.

No. I'll be in touch.

What's the matter?

Seems like I'm forgetting something.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Goodbye, Mrs. Norfleet.

You want to be better, you eat.

You don't want to be better, you want to
be sick, then you don't eat.

I want you to be better.

What do you want?

I want to hold a woman in my arms again.

Dance with her under the stars.

Oh, mijo.

Within eight, please.

Your crazy friend is here to visit.

Hey, heard you're not feeling so good
today, buddy.

What's the matter? You ain't been
drinking your kombucha tea? Your friend

has a urinary infection.

Compliments of that sister of his.

Peep, huh? Yeah, Peep.

She gave me the night off the other
night because she was having some too

big grief ball over and didn't want my
black ass around.

Then I come back and I find that she's
left him sitting outside in his own

goddamn Peep while she's making it with
the guy in here in the living room.

Damn.

When I tell her, when I think about her,
she has to fire my ass.

But nobody fires me but this man right
here.

Bobby, you're fired.

Fuck you.

I quit.

I leave the food here for him.

Maybe you can get him to eat more.

He never listens to me.

And I think I fucked her once.

Who?

Adela? No, Peep.

Hey, you were drunk. Shit happens.

Jesus, this room stinks from that stuff.
You gotta stop smoking and drinking.

Why?

Why?

Because it's bad for you. It makes your
blood pressure go through the roof.

I'm already a sick fucking crippled
animal, or haven't you noticed, Duncan?

You got it bad today, don't you?

I don't suppose you've heard from
Deborah, have you?

No. Forget about her. She's done her
best to forget about you.

She probably just got scared.

I would have done the same thing.

Never in a million years, dude.

When we were kids, I was the conqueror,
wasn't I?

Yeah.

Baseball, surfing, girls, you were
always numero uno.

And I hated you for it.

You did, didn't you?

You bet I did, fucker.

Duncan, what is the point?

The point is for your soul to grow.

I feel like I'm already dead.

Body and soul.

Just that nobody's noticed.

People come back from the dead.

When you were dead, you... are dead.

And it's clear that I am not one of
those guys who's going to walk his soul

through the pearly gates.

They take crawlers, buddy.

You actually believe there's some kind
of reality after death?

Sure I do.

How else do you explain those near-death
experiences people have?

It is easy.

The brain is deprived of oxygen. It
creates chemicals. Oh, give me a break.

No, you give me a break.

I've read about this.

When a Christian dies, he sees Christ.

He sees Jesus. When a Buddhist dies, he
sees Buddha. An Indian sees the happy

hunting grounds. Why does everybody see
something they know and not something

universal? Tell me that. Explain it to
me, Duncan.

It's simple. It's transition.

You experience a reality that's personal
to you so you don't get disturbed or

scared.

So when you're dead, when you really die
and there's no coming back...

Where does the soul go then, Duncan?

It goes somewhere.

Where, I don't know.

But I'm sure of one thing, that the soul
knows when its business here is

finished.

When it's time to go.

Hang on a second.

Yeah, hi, this is Duncan. Is he in?

He is? Great.

Yeah. Sir?

Hi, listen, my buddy and I were just
sitting around talking. We were kind of

wondering, where does the soul go when
you die?

Uh-huh.

Who is that?

It's God. Uh-huh.

Oh, so you're talking about a Club Med
kind of situation.

Right. And there are girls there?

Great.

And they like wheelchairs?

Sort of a lap dance kind of thing going
on? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, give my love to your son.

No, no, bless you.

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

It's too beautiful to sleep, huh?

Richard, are you okay?

What?

I... I just had this dream.

About what?

Was it a bad dream?

Was I in it?

Mm-hmm.

Come on, 3D, tell me. It's okay.

I just dreamed that I was sick.

Really, really sick.

Oh.

And I couldn't walk anymore.

And I was in pain.

Real, terrible, terrible pain.

Baby, I'm sorry.

You said I wasn't a dream, right?

No.

You left me.

Oh.

Richard, that was just a dream.

You know, look, I'm here.

I know you are.

I'm always going to be here.

You know that, don't you? Don't you?

I love you so much

Let's just dance.

It's time to get up. It's time to get
up. It's time to get up in the morning.

How are you feeling today?

You look a lot better.

Good boy.

Now, I know that today is Saturday, but
I've never believed in sleeping late on

Saturdays because it's the best day of
the week, and, you know, why waste it?

Although I guess now every day is like a
Saturday to you, huh?

You know, I envy you sometimes.

Get some fresh air in here.

No stuffy cave for you today, big
brother.

Sin's coming over. He had this great
idea. Remember when we were kids, we

used to play Monopoly?

That's going to be our day today. You,
me, and Sid.

Rolling those dice, passing go, trying
to stay out of jail.

You know, I'm going to send Bobby in
here to have him give you a shower.

You've got just a teensy-weensy bit of
beer.

You're still thinking about the long,
hard one you planted on her kisser.

The shocked look of a real hard number
turning soft.

Yeah, you remember how the knees of her
long legs quivered.

But then you hear that voice again.

It's yapping, Monk Moore.

Monk Moore.

A copper will always loaf on the shady
side of the street.

Close your eyes.

Now think of a place where the wide open
road never

ends. No one dies.

There's no time or place till you and a
few special

friends.

There's something up there gleaming. Go
ahead and pick it up. Here's your

lucky choice.

Your magic wand.

Rip it firmly in your hand. Now I walk
away there.

The Black Chinaman.

Restaurateur and racketeer.

You met him seven years ago on the
Prescott case.

Somehow, it doesn't matter how, it all
ended up on the desperate docks of

Pedro.

The black Chinaman was smuggling in
Chinese to work cheap in the chop suey

joints in cat houses.

Fell in love with one of his own girls.

But you couldn't blow the whistle on
him.

She was sick, real sick.

She wouldn't have made it one night in
the cooler.

Turns out she didn't make it but a year
anyway.

You don't have to walk.

What's your pleasure, chum?

About to do it.

But I do make him to ease the soul.

What do you expect to find here? A guy
with a clawed-up face?

A gun with a bullet meant just for you?

Or maybe just the meaning of life?

Like always, He'll know it when you see
it.

Well,

if it ain't Rick Stone, this might just
be your lucky day.

Catalina, Eddie, make with the feet. I'm
busy.

You're still sore about last time.

But you won't be once you take a gander
at these little babies.

Push off, Catalina.

Okay, peeper.

You got your peep.

Change your mind.

You know where to find me.

Know that rat hole like the back of my
own hand.

Now you're starting to hurt my feeling.

Let me see what's for you.

Didn't know he cared.

You like Hank Foo Young, Rick Stone?

Happens to be one of my favorites.

We're partners, sir.

This ain't a social call.

We all got a job to do, sir.

Why don't you eat?

My chef's got a secret ingredient in
that dish which makes it simply...

better. Do you have a taste?

The day I find out what it is, I'll
finally be able to get rid of that

chunk.

Okay, what gives?

Found at the scene of an attempted
murder.

My client says she ain't been here.

So it's my hunch that whoever left it is
the greaseball I'm looking for.

The greaseball with...

Claw marks on her face.

Seems the lady got them but good with
her fingernails.

Great advertising, huh?

Yeah.

There's probably been 10,000 people who
left my joint with one of these.

You pick which one.

Maybe that Dane who hired you has been
here.

Maybe she's setting you up to pay the
chunk.

You ever think about that?

My business, you think of everything.

You seen our friend Monk lately?

Mulder? Yeah, he's been around.

Why? Just another question.

Sorry,

but our little reunion's got to be cut
short.

Hey, Stone.

Fortune couldn't.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

B.C. was right.

You're looking for a needle in a
20-story haystack already full of dirty

needles. What do you have, Madge?

Make it the usual, baby.

You're remembering that Mrs. Norfleet's
sister's name is Madge.

You better be careful or you might fall
in there and drown.

You're horrified by the thought.

Happens I'm an ace swimmer.

Got a name, Blue Eyes?

Rick.

What about you, Angel Puss?

Madge. And Madge never shows any mercy,
do you, darling?

What's the matter?

Your mom will fix you something for
breakfast.

Hey, Madge, phone call.

Stay on that stool, or I'll kill you.

Another one?

Yeah, sure.

That one's bad news, chum.

Gotta go, blue eyes.

Give a girl a rain check.

Good thing, doll.

This ought to cover it.

They never listen, do they?

You're thinking she's day and night from
the beautiful Mrs.

Norfleet. It's only a hunch, but that's
all you ever have.

We've had cases dealing with partner
against partner, husband against wife,

but never sister against sister.

Blood killing blood.

Even the yappy voice is silent.

There was no question in Mrs. Norfleet's
mind the attacker was a man.

If this madge was Mrs.

Norfleet's sister, and she was trying to
do her in, then she had to have an

accomplice.

It was a hunt that paid off.

But how all the pieces fit, you still
can't seem to figure.

For instance, you're still looking for a
guy with claw marks on his face.

It's going to be a long night.

With Madge, you can be sure of that.

Now, really, Richard, there is no use
wishing for what you can no longer have.

We all have to live with reality.

Ah, yes.

Reality.

You arrive at Mrs. Northley, 10 a.m.
sharp.

The modest little bungalow looks to you
like the castle of a fairy princess.

You're turning into a sap.

The birds are singing like lunatics in
the trees.

They're singing like they don't know the
world is lost, corrupt, dirty, and evil.

They're singing like they love life or
something.

Yeah, sing your yappy birds. Rick Stone
ain't falling for it.

Jade Norfleet.

Mrs. Norfleet.

Jade.

Mrs. Rickstone.

Darling.

Suddenly you get real sore at yourself.
You don't sleep with a client, you dumb

mug. That's one of the rules. The broad
is getting to you, no doubt about it.

What's her angle, anyway?

Everybody's got one in the city of
angles.

How do you like your coffee, Mr. Jones?

Black, Mrs. Norfleet.

I think you've earned the right to call
me Rick.

If you'll call me Jay.

Quessal?

Yeah, sure.

I'm so hungry I could almost eat your
right arm off.

That's the funny thing about me. I get
real starving after a good roll in the

hay.

And that's what it was to you?

A roll in the hay?

No, you're right.

It was grass.

All right, Mr. Stone, let's get down to
business.

You said you had a report to make.

I went to the Black Chinaman last night.

Ran into your sister, Madge.

She was ice to the eyebrows.

Got a phone call and left.

I tailed her.

Right into the greasy arms of Charles
Monk Moeller.

Madge and Monk Moeller?

But what could it mean?

Well, I got two versions.

The obvious one is that Monk and Madge
are trying to bump you off.

Madge collects the cabbage when you're
deceased.

Splits it with Monk.

Monk is the investigating officer in the
case. Makes sure it never gets solved.

It's clean.

Neat and cozy.

Always have for one thing.

Monk doesn't have flash marks on his
face.

Of course, there could be a third party
involved.

Or... The unobvious version?

Well, this one involves you, Mrs.
Northley.

Like I said, you got a swell place here.

It just doesn't strike me as an abode of
the filthy rich.

You don't have as much money as you
pretend to, do you, Mrs. Norfleet?

That's true.

My husband did suffer certain business
reversals before his death.

A run of bad luck.

But I'm willing to take a wild guess
that the late Mr.

Norfleet, being the cautious and
practical man he was, except where hot

tubs were concerned, took out a large
insurance policy on his young wife.

As a matter of fact, he did.

A million dollars.

And the present beneficiary is Madge.

Yes, but I still don't understand where
you're going with this.

Maybe you don't. Or maybe you got used
to living the high life of the late Mr.

Norfleet. So you and Monk and Madge
decided to cook up something.

Maybe you're planning on faking your own
murder.

And then you and Monk and Madge can
split up the proceeds from the insurance

three ways.

and maybe the reason you came to me was
to make things look real good at the

coroner's inquest sure judge we can't
find a corpse but listen to this poor

but honest detective the dead broad
comes to his office a week before she

got dead saying somebody's trying to
kill her meanwhile you'll be living it

up in paris under another name drinking
champagne out of your cute little shoe

do you really believe i would do that
like i said just an idea

Well, I have an idea, too.

This should settle things between us,
Mr. Stone.

I'm no longer in need of your services.

I guess there really is no such thing as
the Garden of Eden, if there, Mr. Stone.

Listen, Jade.

How would you say it?

Just take the dough and beat it.

You decide to take the dough and beat
it.

Either she's the best actress in Sarah
Bernhardt, or you've just made the

biggest mistake of your screwed-up life.

As you walk toward the door, you feel
like you're leaving a bright, flimmy

trail behind you, like a giant garden
slug.

Well, hello.

Hello. Wait a minute.

Haven't I made your acquaintance
somewhere before?

Take a couple of belts. It'll come back
to you.

Oh, blue eyes.

Oh, you tracked me down, huh?

Yeah, you could say that.

But I was just leaving.

Oh, come on, blue eyes.

I'm on my lunch break.

I've got an hour to kill and nobody to
kill it with.

Your lunch break.

So where does a dame like you work?

I'm a makeup girl for the studios.

Makeup? Yeah.

All the big stars, they ask for Madge.

I bet they do, Madge.

I'll just bet they do.

You're Rick Stone.

You're walking into the Black Chinaman.

You're looking for Monk Moeller.

Thought I'd find you here, Monk.

Picklepuss.

Can it with the picklepuss crud.

Peeper.

If it ain't Rick Stone.

So, uh, Snooper, you want to be the top
hat?

The what?

The top hat, Richard.

Richard, did you want to be the top hat?

You know, I was lucky for you last time,
remember?

Yeah, the top hat.

Well, me, I'm going to be the ship.

Makes me feel kind of good. You know,
imagining myself floating along on a

white cap, surrounded by nothing but the
sea.

That's kind of peaceful, I guess.

Want some more iced tea, babe?

Sure, hon.

Thank you.

That's good.

There you go.

Thanks. More iced tea?

No, thanks.

Well, you don't have to look over there
anymore, Richard. Your mysterious blonde

has gone away.

Hey, just give it a break, would you?
No, honest.

I saw the moving van over there last
night when I got home from work.

Might have seen it yourself if you got
out more often. Might have even seen her

in the flesh, as they say.

Imagine only renting a house for a
month. I wonder why.

Well, baby, did you want to buy the car?

If you'll run away with me in it.

Anyhow, you never know with bimbos what
they're going to do. Isn't that right?

I don't need you to wheel me.

Sorry, I just was trying to help.

It's too bad, Richard.

She was one nice little thing we had
prancing around across the way there.

I'll say that much.

Hey, Richard, she's the kind that makes
the old plumbing tingle, isn't she?

Well, I mean, she don't have that cute
thing going on like you or anything.

But anyway, it may be a good game of
Monopoly to take your mind off of it.

What do you say, sport?

I don't want to play fucking Monopoly.

Richard, what is wrong with you?

You apologize to Sid right now.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so sorry.

He's probably just not feeling well.

I want you to get the fuck out of my
house.

And I want you to take her with you.

Richard. Richard.

Please, what's going on?

Richard.

No, of course.

Get the fuck out of my goddamn house.

Richard, how could you

just

throw me out?

I'm your sister.

He's my only family. I mean, where would
I go?

What would I do? I gave up everything,
Sid. I gave up my apartment.

Don't worry, it's going to be okay. It's
going to work out, all right? I was

upset. Oh, God.

Richard.

I mean, even if I wanted to, how could I
afford to on my pitiful little salary?

I mean, you tell me that. How?

You know, you are selfish, Richard.

You are so selfish.

What are you doing?

Richard, what are you doing?

Richard, answer me.

Get in your place.

Richard, I know that you don't mean
this. I know that...

Whatever reason, you're just angry
and... $10,000, Richard?

Well, I mean, that's hardly enough.

You know, I mean, when we were kids,
$10,000 was a lot of money, but now

things have changed.

Richard.

Richard, are you all right? I'm fine.

Listen sister.

I think you should take the dough and
beat it.

Take the dough and beat it?

I'd take the dough and beat it. I don't
know why you wouldn't.

Okay, Richard.

I'll leave.

But this won't be the last you hear from
me.

You may hate me, but that will not stop
me from loving you.

Come on, Sid.

Thank you.

So, Rick, did I do something for you?

Or is it just that you're missing my
pretty face?

Just want to buy you a drink, Monk.
That's all.

Hey, chum, another one for my friend
here.

He's up to something.

Tickle pushers should be seen and not
heard.

It's going to be real funny when I rip
your spine out, Snooper.

Hey, I'm laughing already.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Don't mention it, pal.

That's real friendly of you, Rick.

I'm a friendly guy.

Come on, come on. We're cops. We can't
murder guys in public, okay?

Charles. Charles.

What? Your face.

Madge did a nice job.

You walk away.

You're waiting for that bullet in your
back. That bullet that's been looking

for you your whole life.

It doesn't come tonight.

You know you gotta get to a phone fast.

You gotta warn Jade about that nutty
sister of hers.

Mrs. Northley, it's Rick Stone.

I have absolutely nothing to say to you.
Shut your trap and let me do the

talking. You got to make with the feet,
doll.

Imagine Monk got it in for you.

You got to get out of the house now.

You got a place to go?

There's a cabin in Big Bear. My husband
and I need to go there every weekend.

Hop in your car and get there fast. Stay
there until you hear from me. I'm at the

Black Chinaman now. I just got to...

Where's she going to, Rick?

I ain't telling you, Monk.

What am I, Tall Picklepuff here? If he
gives me a great big kiss.

It's lights-out time. Tweety birds
circling around your head. X's across

your eyeballs.

The next thing you know, you're
screaming.

So spill it, peeper. Where's the girl,
huh?

You think I'm as stupid as you look,
Monk?

If I tell you, you'll kill me.

Well, Rick, it don't take a college
degree to figure that out.

But do you want to die screaming or just
take a nice easy bullet in the side of

the head?

Do yourself a favor, Rick.

Well, I can't find her anywhere, Monk.

My bimbo sister has beat it.

Too bad.

Don't call me monk.

Well, whatever you do to him, just don't
mess up those pretty blue eyes.

So you want to keep your peepers,
peeper?

It's your choice, Rick.

Just tell me where the girl is, and I'll
take you out of your misery.

No more pain.

Not ever again.

Do yourself a favor.

Oh, come on, blue eyes.

No more pain.

I ain't ready to die, you two-bit punk.

Okay, Rick.

Whatever you say.

You pass out, oblivion city, and you hug
the blackness like it's some great dark

teddy bear.

And you don't ever want to let that
teddy bear go, but you have to.

Hey, Picklepuss.

Where's the Bobsy twins?

They snuck off someplace.

Private-like.

You know.

Making whoopie, is that what you're
saying?

Yeah, that magic one, huh?

What have they done to you? Nothing I
couldn't take. How'd you find me?

When Monk got on the line, I knew you
were in trouble. I immediately called

the bar and got the black Chinaman. For
some reason, he seems to hate Monk and

like you.

He said this is where Monk did a lot of
his dirty work, though I dumped him in

the car.

By the way, I'm still mad at you.

Lady, if this is what you do for a guy
you're mad at, I hope you'll stay mad at

me the rest of your life.

I was a joke.

Don't hold it against me. I can't hold
anything against you when you hold me

against you.

Okay, Mrs. Norfleet, we got to... We're
catching on, doll.

Hold it, Peeper!

Drop the gas.

So, Rick, how does it feel to be fish
bait?

We knew you'd come back for your man,
Jade.

You're such a sucker.

Matt, how could you?

Oh, don't bust your girdle, honey.

This is nothing personal.

That's right.

It's just about moolah.

What's the matter, Rick? Cat got your
tongue?

I heard one wise crack.

I ain't wasting any more good lines on
you, Monk.

Suit yourself.

So, Rick, who gets it first, you or the
skirt?

Tell me, Monk.

We're even, Snooper.

Look at this.

This was his deal.

He put me up to this from the start.

He was selfish.

Mrs. Norfleet. Thank you, Mr. Stone.

I'll never leave you.

Right there at the end, she finally told
her first lie.

But she didn't hold it against her.

You know what?

Nobody pulls the wool over Rick Stone's
eyes.

The truth of the business was, you were
right about her all along.

She did have an angle.

Her angle was, she loved you.

You'll miss Mrs. Norfleet.

When's the last time I gave you a ring?

The last time?

You ain't never gave me no ring.

You got one now.

What for?

Oh, I just have a feeling I owe you one.

Uh-huh.

Don't start going soft on me, white boy.

Soft didn't get me here.

No, it didn't.

My black ass did.

I think it went good, yes?

The doctor says the cancer is still
gone. We are in remission.

Gracias, adios.

Now, I made good food, yes?

And now you eat.

Yes, now I will eat.

Venga, venga.

Come here.

Now.

I know we went over all this on the
phone, Richard, but since it's such a

sudden change, I'd like to go over it
one more time.

Go ahead.

All right.

Let's see.

This house and its contents are to be
left to your housekeeper, Adela

Fontenesse.

The tire factory to go to the 27 workers
presently employed there.

Stocks to be...

Divide it up as we discussed.

Sounds a bit communistic to me, but...
The rest of your assets and cash

to go to your nurse companion, Bobby
Frost, with the proviso that some of it

be used to open a Chinese restaurant.

Myself and Duncan to be the...

Executors of the estate.

Hope you don't mind.

Of course not.

I think that about covers it.

You're sure this is what you want?

Okay.

What about Peep?

Ah, I forgot.

Here it is.

Your sister Penelope is to get the
painting which was hanging over the

fireplace.

Oh, well, that's her. That's very her.

All right, then.

If both of you would put your John
Hancock in the space, my secretary Lila,

so efficiently marked, I think that'll
wrap this baby up.

You still doing the deed with Lila, Ed?

Old habits die hard.

I'll have my office send you a copy.

All right, then.

I'm out of here.

Got an appointment.

Don't want to be late.

Another one of your big deals?

When the time's right, I'll let you in
on it.

Ed, if it's anything like the last one,
I'll pass.

But what about the time before that,
huh?

I'll bet you're still kicking yourself.

I'm afraid my kicking days are over.

Duncan.

63 Corvette. Split window coupe.

Ah, my compliments to Monsieur on the
choice.

But is Monsieur certain?

You find it, I'll buy it.

Hey, Richard, I think your will's great.

A little nutty, but great.

Why, thank you, Duncan.

Why now?

I mean, you're in remission, you're
doing good.

You're not...

Thinking about the big S now, are you?

What?

Sex.

No.

Suicide.

No.

I'm not thinking about that.

I have been trying that objectification
therapy thing.

Yeah? Has it helped?

I quit smoking.

I knew there was something different in
the air today.

Yeah, quit the alcohol, too.

Way to go, buddy. I'm proud of you.

Yeah, I thought about it.

I thought it was time.

Perfection.

Thank you.

Hey,

where's Bobby and Adela?

Adela's at the store.

Bobby's getting the car.

You gonna be okay till they get back?
Oh, sure. If you need anything, call me

on the cell phone. I will.

Duncan.

Jeff?

Yeah.

You hide outside.

Richard, it's time to go.

You don't know where you're headed.

Heaven, hell, Niagara Falls.

It doesn't really matter.

Because you're with her.

Now think of a place where the wide open
road never

ends. No one dies.

There's no time or place to you and a
few special

friends.

We'll be right back.

down you've got a friend made of steel

make a date go on

She's a real