Original subtitles

Thank you.

So, who's the blonde?

She's one of the chicks that hangs around here. She's child crazy.

This isn't mine. Mine was bourbon. For sure it is. You saw me pour it.

Give me a break.

Anything you say.

That piano.

Feel those vibrations.

You don't get your kicks out of it, do you? I can live without it.

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

I bet I know.

You're lonely in the big city.

Oh, you don't have to go into a routine with me.

I like it because I do.

Hey,

how's it going?

Great.

Need anything?

I've got a new spinal cord.

All right.

I'll go to the spinal cord for a first bang in the morning.

Need for the methadone method?

God,

I really hate that stuff.

Makes me feel like I'm trapped inside a giant marshmallow.

That doesn't really make the pain go away, you know.

Still in there with me.

Inside the marshmallow.

Put that thing away.

My blood pressure's just fine.

What would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you? I wouldn't say that.

How come you're still up?

I have trouble sleeping when I know that you're not.

Um, need to go potty?

Bobby, I'm gonna fire you if you don't quit using that goddamn baby talk.

I just don't want to skin about your filthy ass in the morning.

Breakfast

is

ready. I'm not really hungry, kid. Now we gotta keep that strength up.

Hey, Dylan. Richard.

Richard, Adela is late again, so I had to make breakfast.

Now I'm going to be late for work.

She's late, so I'm late.

Oh, why so glum this morning, Richard?

I wasn't aware of being particularly glum.

Well, you know what I said.

If you don't get bitter, you have a chance to get better.

I'm not bitter.

Hello. Good morning, Adela.

Not to worry, Adela. I took care of breakfast myself.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's just she wake up this morning and she be sick in her stomach.

Is she okay now?

Oh, yeah. She's fine now. She's watching cartoons.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice to lie in bed and watch cartoons all day?

Would you like some more coffee, Richard? No. Adela. No.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to be late for work.

What do you think, Richard?

Too much titty?

Oh, peep, I'm your brother. What difference does that make?

Adela, what do you think? Too much titty?

Yes, too much.

Oh, well.

Have a good day.

You too.

Thanks for making back up. Well, you took care of me when I was growing up,

and now I'm going to take care of you.

There's a ton of clothes to be washed, Adela.

Okay.

Hey, Bobby.

What do you think?

Too much tootie?

What did

you say this

was called?

Kombucha tea.

Kombucha's kind of like a mushroom. Been around thousands of years.

I got a buddy who's got AIDS, started drinking it last year. Now he feels

twice as good and he beats me a tenner.

Cheers.

What?

Good God, Duncan.

I have a strange urge to...

Yeah, this is Duncan. Go ahead.

Dr. Zuckerman, how's tea?

Oh, great.

Listen, I may have found one down in Long Beach. I got an appointment to take

a look at it at 4 o'clock. I was going to call you right after.

Okay?

All right, talk to you then. Bye.

What are you working on?

I'm looking for a 59 Cadillac for this Israeli dentist in Sherman Oaks. Hey, I

got a picture of it right here.

Dr. Zuckerman said when he was a kid growing up in the kibbutz, he saw a

picture in a magazine, been dreaming about it ever since.

Duncan, only you would have a job finding Cadillacs for rich dentists.

So why don't you come down to Long Beach with me? We'll take the caddy out for a

test spin.

We'll cruise down PCH, crank down the windows, crank up the radio. It'll be

just like the old days.

Not exactly just like.

But come on, Richard, you're becoming a damn hermit.

Hey, got some Chinese food.

Got some egg rolls, some spare ribs, some egg foo young, moogoo guy pants,

sizzling beef with black bean sauce.

Got it from that new place down on Sunset. No, thanks, Bobby. I already

ate. I was just telling Richard he needs to start getting out of the house more.

More?

He don't ever get out.

You know, Mr.

Spraggins has got more important things to do.

Like?

Like laying in bed and watching those old black and white movies on cable 24

hours a day.

Oh, hey, you sure you don't want some? I mean, this is the finest thing this side

of Shanghai.

Maybe later.

All right.

Your fortune cookie.

Poor guy.

All he wants to do is open a Chinese restaurant.

Instead, he's stuck lugging my pitiful bag of bones around.

You know, Rich, I've been checking it out. I found a wheelchair basketball.

Now, look, don't rag on me.

I don't want to play basketball with a run from Kim.

So how's Peep?

Peep?

Peep is Peep. I'm sorry to hear that.

She's got her good points.

Yeah, she's got two good points if you're a boo man.

Duncan, she's my sister.

My only living relative.

Don't think she don't know that.

What's that supposed to mean?

Come on, Richard. She never had any particular use for you or anybody else

for that matter. And now suddenly you get sick and she's your best pal?

She's trying to take care of me. What's wrong with that?

Richard, Bobby and Adela take care of you, not her.

All I know is this place sure beats that dinky little apartment she had in Culver

City.

Also... Also what?

Come on, Duncan.

You've had spinal cancer, man. You're in remission, and you and I both know

you're going to stay that way, but I'm not sure Peep does.

And like you said, she's your only living relative.

What?

You think she's waiting for me to die?

You got a lot of stuff, man. I mean, this place, your tire business, you got

a little money in the bank, and you and I both know Peep is very into stuff.

She's the kind of person stuff was created for. She's the queen of stuff.

Well, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Bobby!

Bobby!

Oh, Jesus.

Man,

this dude's always got to be the center of attention.

That's right.

Holler if you need anything.

Greetings from the marshmallow.

What's it like, the pain?

Sometimes it's like my spine's been replaced by a red-hot poker.

And other times it's like this maniac is slicing my

legs with a razor blade.

But I thought you weren't supposed to have any feeling in your legs.

Only pain.

What did the doctors say?

Take more drugs.

Damn doctors, that's all they know.

Where would they be without their fucking scalpel subscription pad?

I know where I'd be.

Dead.

There are new ways of dealing with pain.

Hypnosis, biofeedback. Oh, Duncan.

I'm not in the mood for your new age bullshit.

It's not bullshit.

And it's not new.

It's all up here, man.

Everything's up here. The ancients knew that.

You're going to be late for your appointment.

Fuck my appointment.

You remember what Milton said, don't you? Milton who?

Milton Berle.

Milton who? John Milton.

The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of

heaven. I'm reading this new book.

What is it this week? Guardian Angels.

Nostradamus. Alien abductions.

Objectification therapy.

Could you hand me my cigarette?

It's a way to escape suffering.

Physical, mental, spiritual, whatever.

It's very simple, really. All you do is objectify yourself. You're not you

anymore. You're somebody else. Somebody minus the suffering.

It's so simple, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

I'm talking about a deep form of fantasy.

Sort of like self-hypnosis.

You know I like tennis?

So I just say, you're at Wimbledon playing tennis.

The finals, you're playing Bjorn Borg.

Borg's pretty old. You can probably beat him now.

And I imagine the Greengrass Court, and the crowd, and the Queen.

And then I am... No, I live every point, every stroke, the forehands, the lobs,

the smashes.

Oh, Duncan, you're... You're talking about daydreaming.

No, no, no. You've got to go deeper than that. You're not yourself anymore.

You're somebody else.

Okay.

Okay.

You're an Israeli dentist, and... Sherman Oaks.

You finally have her in the chair.

Give her a whiff of the laughing gas.

She goes limp, you go hard.

You turn everything into a joke.

It is a joke, Duncan.

Didn't you know that?

A huge, ghastly joke.

Hello, Manning.

I thought I had it, but ran in second.

Too bad.

It's Thomas, all right.

What'd you find on him? Usual stuff.

Wallet. Around 50 bucks. Medium price. Watch.

Click Davis reporting.

I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me if I gave my right name.

Did I apologize for last night?

I won't think I'm really forgiven unless you let me make up for it tonight.

Great, doll.

I'll call for you early.

We'll dine, we'll dance, maybe we'll even look at the moon.

Rick Stone.

Your name is Rick Stone.

Rick Stone.

Your name is Rick Stone.

Rick.

Please make it stop!

I have got something to show you. Now, I used to think garage sales were a big

waste of time. I mean, who wants to buy somebody else's junk, right?

But I think I hit the jackpot.

Oh.

Looks like we got a new neighbor.

Yeah, looks like it.

I saw a moving van there yesterday.

I knew that place was going to rent soon. It's such a cool little house.

It's kind of pretty, don't you think? I mean, in a bimbo kind of a way.

Let's go see my surprise.

Richard.

Okay.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, now, Richard, it's kind of early in the day, don't you think, Richard?

What? Oh, come on, you stink of it.

Pete, this is my house. Oh, Bobby, bring it in.

Put it on the sofa.

This? It's my present to you, Richard.

I hope you like it.

See?

See the resemblance?

Between her and me.

Oh, yes, yes.

Okay,

now, let's see. Where are we going to hang it?

How about there?

Peep, there's already a picture right there.

Oh, but that is so...

And you know she was a heroin addict.

Now this, this is a fireplace painting.

You hold it, I'll go get a hammer and some nails.

Now don't look at me like that.

All I did was bring the damn thing in from the car.

Rick Stone.

Private eye.

There's a soft knock at the door.

Rick?

There's someone here to see you.

Tell him I'm busy.

Tell him to make an appointment.

I'm not a him.

So I see.

It's okay, buddy.

I'm Jade Northley.

Rick Stone.

How much do you make in a month, Mr. Stone?

Whatever it is, I'll pay you that for days.

Trouble, thy name is Jade Northley.

You know the smart move.

Throw her out the door bodily if necessary.

But you've always been a stone sucker for long legs and disdainful eyes.

Why don't you sit down, Mrs. Norfleet?

I'm a Mrs.

Mrs. Norfleet.

Okay, Mrs. Norfleet.

Why don't you sit down and tell me what your problem is?

You think there ought to be a legal limit on the length of legs.

You think the Gam Squad ought to drop the hook on Mrs.

Norfleet, toss her in the cooler and throw away the key.

My problem is...

Someone's trying to kill me.

That's interesting.

What makes you think that?

Oh, a silly trifling thing.

I'm probably just paranoid.

Well, we can never be too careful these days, Mrs. Northley.

What happened?

A man tried to strangle me to death.

I see.

Someone you know?

I'm not sure.

The room was dark.

It was Tuesday night.

I was tired and I'd gone to bed early.

I was having a dream.

What were you dreaming?

I was dreaming I was sunbathing in my backyard. I was putting on suntan

lotion.

I knew someone was watching me. I didn't know who he was or where he was.

I just knew that he was there and that I wanted him to watch.

I wanted him to watch more than anything.

Then what happened?

Then? I woke up.

He was on top of me, choking me.

What did you do?

I tried to rip his face off.

I think I did a pretty good job of it, too.

He screamed and ran out of the room.

You called the police?

Of course.

They took their own sweet time in getting there.

A badly dressed detective showed up, poked around a little, said he saw no

signs of forced entry, drank two cups of my coffee, and then asked me out for a

drink. I don't think he believed me.

Why should I believe you?

But why would I lie?

So where was Mr.

Norfleet when you were being strangled?

Well, in his grave, I hope.

That is where I laid him to rest last year, Mr. Stone.

He was only 63.

What happened?

It was the old story.

Hot tub.

Young bimbo.

Heart attack.

Stop. I'm going to start blubbering.

Now, let's examine the possibilities.

Either this is the random act of a madman... Yes.

...or someone has a particular reason to want you dead.

Any angry boyfriends, past or present?

I'll leave him smiling, Mr. Stone.

You'd make a bet on that.

Can you think of anyone who would benefit from your death?

No, no one.

What's your financial status?

Rich, I'm afraid.

Mr. Norfleet left me a rather nasty amount of money. It's a bit

embarrassing, but there it is.

And if you croak, who gets the dough?

Well, Madge, I suppose.

Madge?

My sister.

She's my only living relative. But you can forget about Madge. Why?

As I said, she's my sister.

We're very close.

Now, Mr. Stone, will you throw your cloak across the mud puddle for me?

Will you rescue this damsel in distress?

Why me?

There's a thousand dicks in this screwed-up city.

Your reputation preceded you. What reputation's that?

Please, Mr. Stone.

Praise the face is open disgrace, as my mother used to say.

Let's just say I heard you know what you're doing and that you're on the

square.

Why the hesitation?

Don't you like me, Mr. Stone?

Can't, sweetheart.

Sure, I'd like to take a roll in the hay with you.

I think I would have to be dead or paralyzed not to, but liking's got

nothing to do with it one way or another.

I'll take your case.

First thing I ought to do is take a little look-see at the crime scene.

You mean my bed?

What's your address?

5-11 Amherst. That's in Brentwood.

I'll be there at 3 o'clock this afternoon, but I want you to keep one

thing in mind.

What?

I ain't your knight in shining tinfoil.

I'm in this strictly for the dough.

She must have really done a number on you.

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby? Bobby's not here.

I sent him down to Georgina's to pick up dinner. Your favorite restaurant.

To Georgina's?

Where'd you dress yet?

For what?

Did I tell you?

Oh, pig.

Oh. Oh, for Christ's sake, Richard, I'm your sister.

Not like you've never seen my legs before.

Okay, okay, okay.

Anyhow, I met this guy down at the office.

His name is Sid Bundy.

I've invited him over for dinner.

Better.

He's got this really big case down at our office.

So you be nice.

He's going to be worth a pot full of money one of these days.

Especially. with me helping his case along.

You know, I may only be a secretary, but I am a very smart secretary.

Richard, please.

I really like this guy.

I am so tired of fighting it out out there on my own.

And after what happened with you and Debra, I know you understand.

Adela's already cooked dinner.

No, none of Adela's Mexican food for Sid.

He's too special.

Bobby and I like Adela's cooking. Plus, it's the only thing he'll eat other than

that damn Chinese food. You know, he better be careful or his eyes are going

to slant.

And then we'll have to call him the Black Chinaman.

Anyhow, I gave Bobby the night off. I wanted to take care of you all by my

lonesome.

Do I have to be there?

It's good for you to meet new people.

The thing is how you refuse to go out and socialize.

I'm doing you a favor by bringing the company to you.

I really like this guy.

I need that big brother seal of approval.

Yeah, right.

Well, you better get rid of that.

Poor Bear.

What a shame I had to let him go.

Well, c'est la vie, as they say. And you know, you're right. It's better to be

safe than sorry.

Is that Bobby anyhow? He is so unreliable.

You really should think about firing him, Richard.

Well, I mean, now that I'm here, I really see no need for him. You know, we

could get one of those chairlift gizmo things for the staircase.

I'd be willing to quit my job. I could just take care of whatever needs taking

care of around here. Would it be nice to have me around 24 hours a day?

Where are you going?

Richard!

I thought you could wear that blue suit with the blue tie. You look so nice in

that.

You're driving your 59 Cadillac.

Driving. Driving.

Driving down a sunny, rotten street in the city of Angle.

Towards Brentwood.

Towards three o'clock.

Towards the mysterious Mrs. Norfleet.

That's a good one.

Well, Penelope, honey, you just didn't tell me what a good cook you were.

Well, it's nice that you appreciate it, Sid.

Peep spent a lot of time making this meal.

Didn't you, sis?

Peep?

Mm-hmm.

When Richard was a little boy, he couldn't say Penelope. He could only say

Peep, and it kind of stuck.

Well, I'm just learning new things about this little darling every day.

Not only are you a great little cook, but you're a hell of a little decorator,

too.

That's a pretty nice piece of artwork you've got hanging over there, Richard.

Must be worth a tidy little bundle.

I know about these things. You know, back in the old days, I lived downtown

with all the artsy folk, you know.

Are we ready for dessert?

Dessert, too.

It's your masseuse.

People was up all night making that.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to make a little more room, then.

My goodness.

Richard, that's a hell of a long woman you got tanning after you there.

You're a lucky guy.

Now, how'd you get everything? It made nothing. That's what I like. Well, now,

that's not true, Sid. You've got that big case down at the oven.

You're gonna make a lot of money.

Why don't you tell Richard all about it while I get dessert?

All right, baby.

Well, Richard, I was...

Tending bar over to this fancy hotel in Beverly Hills.

Maybe you know the place, being a fancy guy yourself, the Beverly Corinthian.

Sorry, I don't believe I do.

It's one of those frou-frou places that caters mostly to the very rich European

clientele. Nice enough folks when you get down to it, but not much in the tip

department, though.

Let's go. Oh, there you go, Chief. Let me get you something.

And I told them when they first hired me several years back,

that I couldn't lift anything on account of I got me this bad back, right?

And one day, the little Mexican fella that stocks the bar for me, he took

sick. Well, Lillian, that's the manager of the place, she's one of them women

that thinks she knows everything, you know?

Well, she told me to go out back and get a case of beer because we're running

low. Well, I said I couldn't on account of my back. But Lillian, she don't care

about anybody but herself.

You know the time?

I guess I could say that I do, yes.

Yeah, we all do, don't we?

Anyhow, Lillian responded with the case of beer or my job.

Well, I'll be goddamned if I didn't injure my back so bad that I can't be on

my feet over five or ten minutes without hollering like a stuck pig.

Well, the pain got so goddamn bad that I had to quit.

Now, I was in that job for three years, and not once was I ever late or

insulting to those hoity-toity clients that got over there and wouldn't piss on

you if you was on fire.

But I tell you what, I'm going to tear them to your ass. Well, like I said,

Ted, the hotel's the best place that could have happened.

They carry big insurance policies.

Just a gold mine waiting to be mined, I'd say.

Oh, here you go.

Here you go.

There you go.

I just love blue ties.

Don't you, Richard?

I found them so sad.

Oh.

Where are you working for now until he helps you mine that gold mine?

Actually, I'm kind of between jobs right now. I understand you're in the retread

tire business.

That's right.

Retread tires.

Kind of a funny fate for an English major.

Well, it must be pretty lucrative from the looks of things around here.

Richard bought a struggling business, and he made it lucrative.

He's always had the golden touch.

You know, I'm... I'm almost glad that Richard doesn't have to go down there

and work every day. It's in a perfectly dreadful part of town.

South Central.

You know what?

Going to a neighborhood like that won't invite me about knowledge.

You know why?

That's why I'm right there.

So, Sid, do you have a permit for that?

Do I have a permit?

Richard's son, that is a permit.

It's a permit for walking the streets and being afraid of nobody.

Goddamn, is that an earthquake or something? No, he's just having a muscle

spasm, poor thing.

What? Muscle spasm.

Sit down, Mr. Dessert.

You know, Richard, you can call me stupid, but there's something I just

don't quite understand.

You're dealing there now with your leg and all.

I thought you were paralyzed.

Oh, I am. That was just an involuntary muscle spasm.

Actually, it's a good thing.

It keeps the muscles in my legs from atrophying.

Withering away?

I'll tell you what, you've got a good attitude about it all. It's hard.

Life gives you a lemon and you just make lemonade out of it.

That's your philosophy, isn't it?

You're a perceptive man, Sid.

Thanks.

It's a gift.

My mother's got that perception deal, too.

Goddamn.

Like that.

How'd you like to have a piece of that, huh?

You know, Richard, just between you and me, you know, kind of man to man,

does the old plumbing still work okay?

I'm not stepping on your toes here, am I?

Well, if your dad said, I wouldn't feel it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I did it.

That's a good one.

Yes, sir.

You wouldn't feel it.

Yeah.

Define 511M.

You'd think it looks kind of modest for the house of a nastily rich young widow.

But you're just a low-rent flatfoot with whiskey breath, holes in his socks. What

do you know about the rich?

You hear it.

That little voice yapping inside your head. Hey, Rick.

Yeah, you, you big moron.

Turn around and run like hell.

And like always, being the big moron you are, you tell the yappy voice to buzz

off.

You left your front door open, so I just walked right in.

Of course, whoever tried to put the big squeeze on your neck Tuesday night could

have just walked right in, too.

How careless of me.

Perhaps I have a death wish.

Hello again, Mr. Stone.

Her hand is hot, slippery as an eel with oil.

You hate the idea of letting it go.

Well, Mrs.

Norfleet, it looks like you got your own little private garden of Eden here.

Lacking only an atom.

The scene of the crime.

No sign of forced entry, you said?

No.

Did you lock the door that night?

Yes. Anyone else have the key?

No, no one except Madge, of course.

Your sister?

Yes. After I suffered my tragic loss, she was kind enough to move in here with

me and help me through my grief.

What a doll.

So did you live here with the late Mr. Norfleet?

No, we had a very vulgar mansion in Bel-Air. But after the tragedy, I sold

the house and moved here.

Too many memories, you know.

Just couldn't stand looking at that hot tub, huh?

Boys will be boys, Mr. Stone.

Now, won't they?

Not me. I like to be a girl. I find that difficult to believe.

Want to see my garter belt? I'd love to.

Now, this is a real work of art.

My sister Madge gave it to me.

Mr. Stone, I'd like to introduce you to the two detectives working on my case,

Detective Petrovich and Detective... Monk Moore. How you doing, Monk?

Just swell, Rick, till you walked in. You know, I don't like to be called

Monk. Yeah, Monk, I do know that.

Mike, you know why I like this guy?

Because he's a real wisey.

That's right, and I just love wiseys.

How do you two know each other?

Well, one day I lifted up a rock and Monk's looking up at me, blinking in the

sun.

This guy cracks me up.

So, Mrs. Norfleet, me and my partner's feelings are a little hurt here.

Why'd you go hire Snooper? You don't trust us with a job?

I'm just protecting my interests.

Surely you can understand that.

Well, I'll be leaving now, Mrs. Norfleet. I'll walk you to the door.

See you around, Monk.

Picklepuss?

Petrovich. Whatever.

That's a real piece of wood bait.

You ever been to a chop suey joint called the Black Chinaman?

No. Is this an invitation?

Nope.

An idle question.

No. I'll be in touch.

What's the matter?

Seems like I'm forgetting something.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Goodbye, Mrs. Norfleet.

You want to be better, you eat.

You don't want to be better, you want to be sick, then you don't eat.

I want you to be better.

What do you want?

I want to hold a woman in my arms again.

Dance with her under the stars.

Oh, mijo.

Within eight, please.

Your crazy friend is here to visit.

Hey, heard you're not feeling so good today, buddy.

What's the matter? You ain't been drinking your kombucha tea? Your friend

has a urinary infection.

Compliments of that sister of his.

Peep, huh? Yeah, Peep.

She gave me the night off the other night because she was having some too

big grief ball over and didn't want my black ass around.

Then I come back and I find that she's left him sitting outside in his own

goddamn Peep while she's making it with the guy in here in the living room.

Damn.

When I tell her, when I think about her, she has to fire my ass.

But nobody fires me but this man right here.

Bobby, you're fired.

Fuck you.

I quit.

I leave the food here for him.

Maybe you can get him to eat more.

He never listens to me.

And I think I fucked her once.

Who?

Adela? No, Peep.

Hey, you were drunk. Shit happens.

Jesus, this room stinks from that stuff. You gotta stop smoking and drinking.

Why?

Why?

Because it's bad for you. It makes your blood pressure go through the roof.

I'm already a sick fucking crippled animal, or haven't you noticed, Duncan?

You got it bad today, don't you?

I don't suppose you've heard from Deborah, have you?

No. Forget about her. She's done her best to forget about you.

She probably just got scared.

I would have done the same thing.

Never in a million years, dude.

When we were kids, I was the conqueror, wasn't I?

Yeah.

Baseball, surfing, girls, you were always numero uno.

And I hated you for it.

You did, didn't you?

You bet I did, fucker.

Duncan, what is the point?

The point is for your soul to grow.

I feel like I'm already dead.

Body and soul.

Just that nobody's noticed.

People come back from the dead.

When you were dead, you... are dead.

And it's clear that I am not one of those guys who's going to walk his soul

through the pearly gates.

They take crawlers, buddy.

You actually believe there's some kind of reality after death?

Sure I do.

How else do you explain those near-death experiences people have?

It is easy.

The brain is deprived of oxygen. It creates chemicals. Oh, give me a break.

No, you give me a break.

I've read about this.

When a Christian dies, he sees Christ.

He sees Jesus. When a Buddhist dies, he sees Buddha. An Indian sees the happy

hunting grounds. Why does everybody see something they know and not something

universal? Tell me that. Explain it to me, Duncan.

It's simple. It's transition.

You experience a reality that's personal to you so you don't get disturbed or

scared.

So when you're dead, when you really die and there's no coming back...

Where does the soul go then, Duncan?

It goes somewhere.

Where, I don't know.

But I'm sure of one thing, that the soul knows when its business here is

finished.

When it's time to go.

Hang on a second.

Yeah, hi, this is Duncan. Is he in?

He is? Great.

Yeah. Sir?

Hi, listen, my buddy and I were just sitting around talking. We were kind of

wondering, where does the soul go when you die?

Uh-huh.

Who is that?

It's God. Uh-huh.

Oh, so you're talking about a Club Med kind of situation.

Right. And there are girls there?

Great.

And they like wheelchairs?

Sort of a lap dance kind of thing going on? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, give my love to your son.

No, no, bless you.

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

It's too beautiful to sleep, huh?

Richard, are you okay?

What?

I... I just had this dream.

About what?

Was it a bad dream?

Was I in it?

Mm-hmm.

Come on, 3D, tell me. It's okay.

I just dreamed that I was sick.

Really, really sick.

Oh.

And I couldn't walk anymore.

And I was in pain.

Real, terrible, terrible pain.

Baby, I'm sorry.

You said I wasn't a dream, right?

No.

You left me.

Oh.

Richard, that was just a dream.

You know, look, I'm here.

I know you are.

I'm always going to be here.

You know that, don't you? Don't you?

I love you so much

Let's just dance.

It's time to get up. It's time to get up. It's time to get up in the morning.

How are you feeling today?

You look a lot better.

Good boy.

Now, I know that today is Saturday, but I've never believed in sleeping late on

Saturdays because it's the best day of the week, and, you know, why waste it?

Although I guess now every day is like a Saturday to you, huh?

You know, I envy you sometimes.

Get some fresh air in here.

No stuffy cave for you today, big brother.

Sin's coming over. He had this great idea. Remember when we were kids, we

used to play Monopoly?

That's going to be our day today. You, me, and Sid.

Rolling those dice, passing go, trying to stay out of jail.

You know, I'm going to send Bobby in here to have him give you a shower.

You've got just a teensy-weensy bit of beer.

You're still thinking about the long, hard one you planted on her kisser.

The shocked look of a real hard number turning soft.

Yeah, you remember how the knees of her long legs quivered.

But then you hear that voice again.

It's yapping, Monk Moore.

Monk Moore.

A copper will always loaf on the shady side of the street.

Close your eyes.

Now think of a place where the wide open road never

ends. No one dies.

There's no time or place till you and a few special

friends.

There's something up there gleaming. Go ahead and pick it up. Here's your

lucky choice.

Your magic wand.

Rip it firmly in your hand. Now I walk away there.

The Black Chinaman.

Restaurateur and racketeer.

You met him seven years ago on the Prescott case.

Somehow, it doesn't matter how, it all ended up on the desperate docks of

Pedro.

The black Chinaman was smuggling in Chinese to work cheap in the chop suey

joints in cat houses.

Fell in love with one of his own girls.

But you couldn't blow the whistle on him.

She was sick, real sick.

She wouldn't have made it one night in the cooler.

Turns out she didn't make it but a year anyway.

You don't have to walk.

What's your pleasure, chum?

About to do it.

But I do make him to ease the soul.

What do you expect to find here? A guy with a clawed-up face?

A gun with a bullet meant just for you?

Or maybe just the meaning of life?

Like always, He'll know it when you see it.

Well,

if it ain't Rick Stone, this might just be your lucky day.

Catalina, Eddie, make with the feet. I'm busy.

You're still sore about last time.

But you won't be once you take a gander at these little babies.

Push off, Catalina.

Okay, peeper.

You got your peep.

Change your mind.

You know where to find me.

Know that rat hole like the back of my own hand.

Now you're starting to hurt my feeling.

Let me see what's for you.

Didn't know he cared.

You like Hank Foo Young, Rick Stone?

Happens to be one of my favorites.

We're partners, sir.

This ain't a social call.

We all got a job to do, sir.

Why don't you eat?

My chef's got a secret ingredient in that dish which makes it simply...

better. Do you have a taste?

The day I find out what it is, I'll finally be able to get rid of that

chunk.

Okay, what gives?

Found at the scene of an attempted murder.

My client says she ain't been here.

So it's my hunch that whoever left it is the greaseball I'm looking for.

The greaseball with...

Claw marks on her face.

Seems the lady got them but good with her fingernails.

Great advertising, huh?

Yeah.

There's probably been 10,000 people who left my joint with one of these.

You pick which one.

Maybe that Dane who hired you has been here.

Maybe she's setting you up to pay the chunk.

You ever think about that?

My business, you think of everything.

You seen our friend Monk lately?

Mulder? Yeah, he's been around.

Why? Just another question.

Sorry,

but our little reunion's got to be cut short.

Hey, Stone.

Fortune couldn't.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

B.C. was right.

You're looking for a needle in a 20-story haystack already full of dirty

needles. What do you have, Madge?

Make it the usual, baby.

You're remembering that Mrs. Norfleet's sister's name is Madge.

You better be careful or you might fall in there and drown.

You're horrified by the thought.

Happens I'm an ace swimmer.

Got a name, Blue Eyes?

Rick.

What about you, Angel Puss?

Madge. And Madge never shows any mercy, do you, darling?

What's the matter?

Your mom will fix you something for breakfast.

Hey, Madge, phone call.

Stay on that stool, or I'll kill you.

Another one?

Yeah, sure.

That one's bad news, chum.

Gotta go, blue eyes.

Give a girl a rain check.

Good thing, doll.

This ought to cover it.

They never listen, do they?

You're thinking she's day and night from the beautiful Mrs.

Norfleet. It's only a hunch, but that's all you ever have.

We've had cases dealing with partner against partner, husband against wife,

but never sister against sister.

Blood killing blood.

Even the yappy voice is silent.

There was no question in Mrs. Norfleet's mind the attacker was a man.

If this madge was Mrs.

Norfleet's sister, and she was trying to do her in, then she had to have an

accomplice.

It was a hunt that paid off.

But how all the pieces fit, you still can't seem to figure.

For instance, you're still looking for a guy with claw marks on his face.

It's going to be a long night.

With Madge, you can be sure of that.

Now, really, Richard, there is no use wishing for what you can no longer have.

We all have to live with reality.

Ah, yes.

Reality.

You arrive at Mrs. Northley, 10 a.m. sharp.

The modest little bungalow looks to you like the castle of a fairy princess.

You're turning into a sap.

The birds are singing like lunatics in the trees.

They're singing like they don't know the world is lost, corrupt, dirty, and evil.

They're singing like they love life or something.

Yeah, sing your yappy birds. Rick Stone ain't falling for it.

Jade Norfleet.

Mrs. Norfleet.

Jade.

Mrs. Rickstone.

Darling.

Suddenly you get real sore at yourself. You don't sleep with a client, you dumb

mug. That's one of the rules. The broad is getting to you, no doubt about it.

What's her angle, anyway?

Everybody's got one in the city of angles.

How do you like your coffee, Mr. Jones?

Black, Mrs. Norfleet.

I think you've earned the right to call me Rick.

If you'll call me Jay.

Quessal?

Yeah, sure.

I'm so hungry I could almost eat your right arm off.

That's the funny thing about me. I get real starving after a good roll in the

hay.

And that's what it was to you?

A roll in the hay?

No, you're right.

It was grass.

All right, Mr. Stone, let's get down to business.

You said you had a report to make.

I went to the Black Chinaman last night.

Ran into your sister, Madge.

She was ice to the eyebrows.

Got a phone call and left.

I tailed her.

Right into the greasy arms of Charles Monk Moeller.

Madge and Monk Moeller?

But what could it mean?

Well, I got two versions.

The obvious one is that Monk and Madge are trying to bump you off.

Madge collects the cabbage when you're deceased.

Splits it with Monk.

Monk is the investigating officer in the case. Makes sure it never gets solved.

It's clean.

Neat and cozy.

Always have for one thing.

Monk doesn't have flash marks on his face.

Of course, there could be a third party involved.

Or... The unobvious version?

Well, this one involves you, Mrs. Northley.

Like I said, you got a swell place here.

It just doesn't strike me as an abode of the filthy rich.

You don't have as much money as you pretend to, do you, Mrs. Norfleet?

That's true.

My husband did suffer certain business reversals before his death.

A run of bad luck.

But I'm willing to take a wild guess that the late Mr.

Norfleet, being the cautious and practical man he was, except where hot

tubs were concerned, took out a large insurance policy on his young wife.

As a matter of fact, he did.

A million dollars.

And the present beneficiary is Madge.

Yes, but I still don't understand where you're going with this.

Maybe you don't. Or maybe you got used to living the high life of the late Mr.

Norfleet. So you and Monk and Madge decided to cook up something.

Maybe you're planning on faking your own murder.

And then you and Monk and Madge can split up the proceeds from the insurance

three ways.

and maybe the reason you came to me was to make things look real good at the

coroner's inquest sure judge we can't find a corpse but listen to this poor

but honest detective the dead broad comes to his office a week before she

got dead saying somebody's trying to kill her meanwhile you'll be living it

up in paris under another name drinking champagne out of your cute little shoe

do you really believe i would do that like i said just an idea

Well, I have an idea, too.

This should settle things between us, Mr. Stone.

I'm no longer in need of your services.

I guess there really is no such thing as the Garden of Eden, if there, Mr. Stone.

Listen, Jade.

How would you say it?

Just take the dough and beat it.

You decide to take the dough and beat it.

Either she's the best actress in Sarah Bernhardt, or you've just made the

biggest mistake of your screwed-up life.

As you walk toward the door, you feel like you're leaving a bright, flimmy

trail behind you, like a giant garden slug.

Well, hello.

Hello. Wait a minute.

Haven't I made your acquaintance somewhere before?

Take a couple of belts. It'll come back to you.

Oh, blue eyes.

Oh, you tracked me down, huh?

Yeah, you could say that.

But I was just leaving.

Oh, come on, blue eyes.

I'm on my lunch break.

I've got an hour to kill and nobody to kill it with.

Your lunch break.

So where does a dame like you work?

I'm a makeup girl for the studios.

Makeup? Yeah.

All the big stars, they ask for Madge.

I bet they do, Madge.

I'll just bet they do.

You're Rick Stone.

You're walking into the Black Chinaman.

You're looking for Monk Moeller.

Thought I'd find you here, Monk.

Picklepuss.

Can it with the picklepuss crud.

Peeper.

If it ain't Rick Stone.

So, uh, Snooper, you want to be the top hat?

The what?

The top hat, Richard.

Richard, did you want to be the top hat?

You know, I was lucky for you last time, remember?

Yeah, the top hat.

Well, me, I'm going to be the ship.

Makes me feel kind of good. You know, imagining myself floating along on a

white cap, surrounded by nothing but the sea.

That's kind of peaceful, I guess.

Want some more iced tea, babe?

Sure, hon.

Thank you.

That's good.

There you go.

Thanks. More iced tea?

No, thanks.

Well, you don't have to look over there anymore, Richard. Your mysterious blonde

has gone away.

Hey, just give it a break, would you? No, honest.

I saw the moving van over there last night when I got home from work.

Might have seen it yourself if you got out more often. Might have even seen her

in the flesh, as they say.

Imagine only renting a house for a month. I wonder why.

Well, baby, did you want to buy the car?

If you'll run away with me in it.

Anyhow, you never know with bimbos what they're going to do. Isn't that right?

I don't need you to wheel me.

Sorry, I just was trying to help.

It's too bad, Richard.

She was one nice little thing we had prancing around across the way there.

I'll say that much.

Hey, Richard, she's the kind that makes the old plumbing tingle, isn't she?

Well, I mean, she don't have that cute thing going on like you or anything.

But anyway, it may be a good game of Monopoly to take your mind off of it.

What do you say, sport?

I don't want to play fucking Monopoly.

Richard, what is wrong with you?

You apologize to Sid right now.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so sorry.

He's probably just not feeling well.

I want you to get the fuck out of my house.

And I want you to take her with you.

Richard. Richard.

Please, what's going on?

Richard.

No, of course.

Get the fuck out of my goddamn house.

Richard, how could you

just

throw me out?

I'm your sister.

He's my only family. I mean, where would I go?

What would I do? I gave up everything, Sid. I gave up my apartment.

Don't worry, it's going to be okay. It's going to work out, all right? I was

upset. Oh, God.

Richard.

I mean, even if I wanted to, how could I afford to on my pitiful little salary?

I mean, you tell me that. How?

You know, you are selfish, Richard.

You are so selfish.

What are you doing?

Richard, what are you doing?

Richard, answer me.

Get in your place.

Richard, I know that you don't mean this. I know that...

Whatever reason, you're just angry and... $10,000, Richard?

Well, I mean, that's hardly enough.

You know, I mean, when we were kids, $10,000 was a lot of money, but now

things have changed.

Richard.

Richard, are you all right? I'm fine.

Listen sister.

I think you should take the dough and beat it.

Take the dough and beat it?

I'd take the dough and beat it. I don't know why you wouldn't.

Okay, Richard.

I'll leave.

But this won't be the last you hear from me.

You may hate me, but that will not stop me from loving you.

Come on, Sid.

Thank you.

So, Rick, did I do something for you?

Or is it just that you're missing my pretty face?

Just want to buy you a drink, Monk. That's all.

Hey, chum, another one for my friend here.

He's up to something.

Tickle pushers should be seen and not heard.

It's going to be real funny when I rip your spine out, Snooper.

Hey, I'm laughing already.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Don't mention it, pal.

That's real friendly of you, Rick.

I'm a friendly guy.

Come on, come on. We're cops. We can't murder guys in public, okay?

Charles. Charles.

What? Your face.

Madge did a nice job.

You walk away.

You're waiting for that bullet in your back. That bullet that's been looking

for you your whole life.

It doesn't come tonight.

You know you gotta get to a phone fast.

You gotta warn Jade about that nutty sister of hers.

Mrs. Northley, it's Rick Stone.

I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Shut your trap and let me do the

talking. You got to make with the feet, doll.

Imagine Monk got it in for you.

You got to get out of the house now.

You got a place to go?

There's a cabin in Big Bear. My husband and I need to go there every weekend.

Hop in your car and get there fast. Stay there until you hear from me. I'm at the

Black Chinaman now. I just got to...

Where's she going to, Rick?

I ain't telling you, Monk.

What am I, Tall Picklepuff here? If he gives me a great big kiss.

It's lights-out time. Tweety birds circling around your head. X's across

your eyeballs.

The next thing you know, you're screaming.

So spill it, peeper. Where's the girl, huh?

You think I'm as stupid as you look, Monk?

If I tell you, you'll kill me.

Well, Rick, it don't take a college degree to figure that out.

But do you want to die screaming or just take a nice easy bullet in the side of

the head?

Do yourself a favor, Rick.

Well, I can't find her anywhere, Monk.

My bimbo sister has beat it.

Too bad.

Don't call me monk.

Well, whatever you do to him, just don't mess up those pretty blue eyes.

So you want to keep your peepers, peeper?

It's your choice, Rick.

Just tell me where the girl is, and I'll take you out of your misery.

No more pain.

Not ever again.

Do yourself a favor.

Oh, come on, blue eyes.

No more pain.

I ain't ready to die, you two-bit punk.

Okay, Rick.

Whatever you say.

You pass out, oblivion city, and you hug the blackness like it's some great dark

teddy bear.

And you don't ever want to let that teddy bear go, but you have to.

Hey, Picklepuss.

Where's the Bobsy twins?

They snuck off someplace.

Private-like.

You know.

Making whoopie, is that what you're saying?

Yeah, that magic one, huh?

What have they done to you? Nothing I couldn't take. How'd you find me?

When Monk got on the line, I knew you were in trouble. I immediately called

the bar and got the black Chinaman. For some reason, he seems to hate Monk and

like you.

He said this is where Monk did a lot of his dirty work, though I dumped him in

the car.

By the way, I'm still mad at you.

Lady, if this is what you do for a guy you're mad at, I hope you'll stay mad at

me the rest of your life.

I was a joke.

Don't hold it against me. I can't hold anything against you when you hold me

against you.

Okay, Mrs. Norfleet, we got to... We're catching on, doll.

Hold it, Peeper!

Drop the gas.

So, Rick, how does it feel to be fish bait?

We knew you'd come back for your man, Jade.

You're such a sucker.

Matt, how could you?

Oh, don't bust your girdle, honey.

This is nothing personal.

That's right.

It's just about moolah.

What's the matter, Rick? Cat got your tongue?

I heard one wise crack.

I ain't wasting any more good lines on you, Monk.

Suit yourself.

So, Rick, who gets it first, you or the skirt?

Tell me, Monk.

We're even, Snooper.

Look at this.

This was his deal.

He put me up to this from the start.

He was selfish.

Mrs. Norfleet. Thank you, Mr. Stone.

I'll never leave you.

Right there at the end, she finally told her first lie.

But she didn't hold it against her.

You know what?

Nobody pulls the wool over Rick Stone's eyes.

The truth of the business was, you were right about her all along.

She did have an angle.

Her angle was, she loved you.

You'll miss Mrs. Norfleet.

When's the last time I gave you a ring?

The last time?

You ain't never gave me no ring.

You got one now.

What for?

Oh, I just have a feeling I owe you one.

Uh-huh.

Don't start going soft on me, white boy.

Soft didn't get me here.

No, it didn't.

My black ass did.

I think it went good, yes?

The doctor says the cancer is still gone. We are in remission.

Gracias, adios.

Now, I made good food, yes?

And now you eat.

Yes, now I will eat.

Venga, venga.

Come here.

Now.

I know we went over all this on the phone, Richard, but since it's such a

sudden change, I'd like to go over it one more time.

Go ahead.

All right.

Let's see.

This house and its contents are to be left to your housekeeper, Adela

Fontenesse.

The tire factory to go to the 27 workers presently employed there.

Stocks to be...

Divide it up as we discussed.

Sounds a bit communistic to me, but... The rest of your assets and cash

to go to your nurse companion, Bobby Frost, with the proviso that some of it

be used to open a Chinese restaurant.

Myself and Duncan to be the...

Executors of the estate.

Hope you don't mind.

Of course not.

I think that about covers it.

You're sure this is what you want?

Okay.

What about Peep?

Ah, I forgot.

Here it is.

Your sister Penelope is to get the painting which was hanging over the

fireplace.

Oh, well, that's her. That's very her.

All right, then.

If both of you would put your John Hancock in the space, my secretary Lila,

so efficiently marked, I think that'll wrap this baby up.

You still doing the deed with Lila, Ed?

Old habits die hard.

I'll have my office send you a copy.

All right, then.

I'm out of here.

Got an appointment.

Don't want to be late.

Another one of your big deals?

When the time's right, I'll let you in on it.

Ed, if it's anything like the last one, I'll pass.

But what about the time before that, huh?

I'll bet you're still kicking yourself.

I'm afraid my kicking days are over.

Duncan.

63 Corvette. Split window coupe.

Ah, my compliments to Monsieur on the choice.

But is Monsieur certain?

You find it, I'll buy it.

Hey, Richard, I think your will's great.

A little nutty, but great.

Why, thank you, Duncan.

Why now?

I mean, you're in remission, you're doing good.

You're not...

Thinking about the big S now, are you?

What?

Sex.

No.

Suicide.

No.

I'm not thinking about that.

I have been trying that objectification therapy thing.

Yeah? Has it helped?

I quit smoking.

I knew there was something different in the air today.

Yeah, quit the alcohol, too.

Way to go, buddy. I'm proud of you.

Yeah, I thought about it.

I thought it was time.

Perfection.

Thank you.

Hey,

where's Bobby and Adela?

Adela's at the store.

Bobby's getting the car.

You gonna be okay till they get back? Oh, sure. If you need anything, call me

on the cell phone. I will.

Duncan.

Jeff?

Yeah.

You hide outside.

Richard, it's time to go.

You don't know where you're headed.

Heaven, hell, Niagara Falls.

It doesn't really matter.

Because you're with her.

Now think of a place where the wide open road never

ends. No one dies.

There's no time or place to you and a few special

friends.

We'll be right back.

down you've got a friend made of steel

make a date go on

She's a real