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Over there, we saw Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen once,
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00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,280
and once in the shop,
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00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,760
and once up Burleigh Hill, riding
his bike, didn't we?
4
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,200
And in the Co-op. Yeah.
5
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,800
Because I was walking in the Co-op
and he was coming out and I said,
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00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,360
"After you," and he said, "No,
after you."
7
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,480
He's so humble.
8
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,840
So humble, and I asked him, I said
to him,
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00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,680
"When do we get to see you back on
our screens,
10
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,840
"because it's a crying shame I don't
get to see you as often?"
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00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:40,960
And he just shrugged.
12
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,320
He just shrugged like that.
13
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,560
Such a shame.
14
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,920
So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.
15
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,320
But not only is he my cousin,
16
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,640
he's my best mate as well, because
he's the only person I can share a
17
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,720
box of Celebrations with.
18
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,040
Tell them why.
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00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,280
Because I love the Bounties, but I
won't touch anything else.
20
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,960
She cannot stand Bounties but she'll
eat the rest of them.
21
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,120
So, nothing goes to waste.
22
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,520
So he'll literally just come round
my house, won't you? Yeah.
23
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,960
And just hoover up all the Bounties.
24
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,240
That's what I do, yeah.
25
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,480
I like the underdog.
26
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,360
The thing is, I don't even like
Bounties that much,
27
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,760
I just feel sorry for them because
they're always left.
28
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:20,840
Yeah.
29
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:27,680
Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan,
on and off, for 12 years now.
30
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,440
I think they're great kids, really.
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00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,400
Give it!
32
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,040
Don't be a fucking dick.
33
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,880
I do think they sometimes resort to
34
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,880
a lot of effing and jeffing and
35
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,520
that's something we've been working
on, actively, a lot,
36
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,760
especially over the last couple of
years and I feel like
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00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,800
they've made great strides forward.
38
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:51,880
Last week,
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00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,360
I don't think they used the
F word once.
40
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,200
We had the C word a couple of times
but, I mean,
41
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,600
that really is an improvement on
what had gone before.
42
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,880
Scarecrow Festival is the most
important day of the year.
43
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,120
That's the beautiful thing about
living in the village.
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00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,480
Everyone comes together on days like
Scarecrow Festival and just forgets
45
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,400
their utter hatred of each other.
46
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,640
Everyone in the village makes their
own scarecrow and they put them out
47
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,840
anywhere around the village.
48
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,080
Yeah, and basically, there's an
independent adjudicator goes round
49
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,320
and he judges them.
No, does not. Yeah, he does.
50
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,680
It's a public voting system now,
cos they changed the rules.
51
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,880
No, it's not. Yes, they did.
They didn't.
52
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,840
If you read the Gazette last
week, you would know.
53
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,360
I spoke to the vicar myself as well.
54
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,360
Oh, I don't care, I find it sad.
55
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,800
Oh, having a picture of your
winning scarecrow on the front of
56
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,400
the Gazette is sad, is it?
57
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,080
Didn't think so.
58
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,080
So anyway, it's a public voting
system and you get
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00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,760
designated pitches.
60
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,600
So, my pitch is on the village green
this year, which is one of the best
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00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:59,840
pitches and then you have little
forms, so you go around and then
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00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,960
you can tick which one, which is
your favourite and then you put it
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00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,600
in the box at the end of the day and
the winner gets a
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00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,280
hot-air balloon ride for two.
65
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,840
And I ain't taking you on it.
66
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520
I don't want to go on it, anyway.
67
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:11,560
I'm taking my nan.
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00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,080
He'll tell you that the Scarecrow
Festival is all fun and games,
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00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,800
but it ain't for me.
70
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,400
For me, the Scarecrow Festival is
just asking for trouble,
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00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,200
cos everyone who's anyone's going
to be there and there are people
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00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,560
from my past that would love to see
me slain.
73
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,280
I've got enemies everywhere.
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00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,120
I've got enemies in South Cerney,
I've got enemies in North Cerney,
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00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,960
I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.
76
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,160
I've got enemies in
Bourton-on-the-Water.
77
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,480
There's a tea rooms there and under
the counter
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00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,840
they've got a panic button
79
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,320
and if I take one step inside, they
can press that.
80
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,280
The police will be there in three
minutes.
81
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,560
Isn't that right?
82
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,960
If I'm walking through the village,
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00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,760
people in cars actually slam their
foot down on the accelerator,
84
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,680
because they want to get through the
village as fast as they can
85
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,560
without getting into a confrontation
with me.
86
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,120
Because if they stop off at
traffic lights,
87
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,040
I'll just knock on their window and
I go, "What you looking at, mate?"
88
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,360
What?
89
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,440
What?
90
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,040
What? Why?
91
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,680
For what?
92
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,800
I don't go to school any more.
93
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,760
Where the hell is he getting these
vouchers from?
94
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,720
Cos they discontinued them, like,
ten years ago.
95
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,160
How is that my fault?
96
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,240
I don't understand.
97
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,040
I cannot win.
98
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,360
This is just ridiculous.
99
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,280
I don't live here, this is Kerry's
house.
100
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,840
I live with my nan, just round
there.
101
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,480
Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look.
102
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,040
Oh, you're joking.
103
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,560
Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day
104
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,400
asking us to go laser quest with
him and I...
105
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,000
What did you say? Well, I clicked on
it by accident, didn't I?
106
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,200
So he knows I've seen it.
107
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,240
Oh, sake!
108
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,520
The thing is, he'll just trap you
for ages, he'll never leave.
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00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,920
I should feel sorry for him because
he's got terminal cancer,
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00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,760
but he's so utterly annoying.
111
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,000
It's like, if you want to have a
bucket list, that's fine,
112
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,080
but don't just drag us into it.
Do you know what I mean?
113
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,520
It's all right, he's going the other
way. He's going the other way.
114
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,480
Thank Christ for that.
115
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,200
So, it's about 15 quid a head.
116
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:33,720
That includes two sessions of laser
quest and a minibus there and back,
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00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,200
but I am going to need the deposit
now.
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00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,520
Oh, I just...
119
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,920
Hello?
120
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,240
Oh, your mum's shouting.
121
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,480
Just coming now.
122
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,600
Yeah. But have a really...I hope
you enjoy yourself. Cheers, mate.
123
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,720
Cheers though, mate. Thanks for
thinking of us.
124
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:49,960
Yeah. See you later.
125
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,920
So, today's the day of the Scarecrow
Festival and I've got a bad feeling.
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00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,920
Mark my words, something bad is
going to happen to me today.
127
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,040
Da!
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00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,560
That's my dad, that is.
129
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,600
Dad!
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00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,320
You all right, Dad?
131
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,480
All right?
132
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,920
What have you been up to then?
133
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,400
Just taking the kids out.
134
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,440
Right.
135
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,240
Is it all right if I come
over yours later?
136
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,680
Nah.
137
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,160
I ain't seen you in ages, Dad.
138
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,680
Yeah, yeah...but I've got to go,
Kerr.
139
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,760
All right. Come on, my kiddo.
See you.
140
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,160
That's my dad.
141
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,520
That was my dad, that was.
142
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,800
Did you see my dad, Kurtan? Yeah.
143
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,640
He's going to the festival as well.
144
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:41,680
What did he say?
145
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,240
He said, erm,
146
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,960
I can come over to
his later, if I want.
147
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,000
Did he?
148
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,240
Yeah, but I think I might be busy
tonight, so...
149
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,480
I might not go.
150
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,760
The Scarecrow Festival is just a bit
of fun really.
151
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,800
It's a tradition that's been going
since I was a boy and it's great
152
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,320
to see everyone in the village
getting involved.
153
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,560
Hey! This man is an absolute legend,
ain't you, Vicar?
154
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:08,880
And we're his favourite as well.
155
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,720
Yeah, you absolutely love us, don't
you Vicar?
156
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,280
Yeah, he's smiling cos he knows it.
157
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,240
This guy here taught me how to
control my temper.
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00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,560
Simmer down, you two.
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00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,880
Oi, tell them about when we got
para in the park and you had to
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00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,560
come pick us up. Yeah, I had to get
my stomach pumped as well, didn't I?
161
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,440
That wasn't funny, that was very
scary.
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00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,680
He loves Midsomer Murders, don't
you, Vicar?
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00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,480
Yeah, he loves it. He gets so mad
if he misses one.
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00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:34,120
And if he doesn't record it on Sky
planner, he goes mental, don't you?
165
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,400
I love Midsomer Murders.
166
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,880
He loves his golf as well.
167
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,120
John Nettles is my favourite. Don't
start him on golf.
168
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,320
What a laugh.
169
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:41,480
You're such a laugh.
170
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,960
Your Majesty!
171
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,480
That's where you get the scarecrow
maps from.
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00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,400
The plant stall, over there.
173
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,640
Don't buy anything from there, cos
they'll die in a week anyway.
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00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,720
That is the sign of a very lazy
scarecrow maker
175
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,240
and I'll tell you why.
176
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,760
Cos he can't be bothered to form the
hands, that's a pet hate of mine.
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00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,160
Technically, not a scarecrow,
cos there's no hay on it.
178
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,480
Not a drop of hay in sight.
179
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:16,880
It's just a rag on a stick.
180
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,600
I mean, I get it, but it's not
making me feel nothing.
181
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,520
Look at this.
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00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,920
This is a monstrosity.
183
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,280
I mean...I think...I know this is
Len's as well.
184
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,080
He's a good scarecrow maker, but
he's embarrassed himself this year
185
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,000
with that. I mean, I'm laughing, but
for all the wrong reasons.
186
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,440
All right, Len? All right?
187
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,520
What do you reckon?
Pretty good, yeah.
188
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,040
Take that grin off your face.
189
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,280
You're grinning. Don't grin.
190
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,320
I'm not grinning, Len.
191
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,680
I think it's great, mate, honestly.
192
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,800
Good. I reckon I've got a chance
this year.
193
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,840
OK.
194
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,080
You believe whatever you want to
believe, that's fine.
195
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,400
Well, I do believe, all right?
196
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,080
Yeah. All right, whatever.
197
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,520
Len, I'm not going to get into a
fight with you today, all right?
198
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,560
All right.
199
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,280
I'll tell you why I'm going
to win this year.
200
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,800
Cos I've got the best scarecrow
and I've got the best pitch in the
201
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,680
village, because my pitch is in the
centre of the festival.
202
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,720
Nathan Daniels had that pitch last
year and he won and, honestly,
203
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,560
his scarecrow was the biggest pile
of shit I've ever seen.
204
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,160
It was meant to be Beetlejuice,
yeah?
205
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,800
But, fuck me, did it look like
Kerry.
206
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,240
Exterminate!
207
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:25,800
Excuse me, sorry.
208
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,240
What's going on?
209
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,960
Excuse me, this is my pitch.
210
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,560
Exterminate! Exterminate!
211
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,240
Yeah, very funny.
212
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,480
Don't make me move it myself please,
mate. Exterminate!
213
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,160
Mate,
214
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,480
can you just be serious?
215
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,760
This is my pitch, yeah.
216
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,120
You don't understand, Vicar.
217
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,520
He's on my pitch, yeah.
218
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,120
The pitch I booked three months ago
with Mrs Wicks.
219
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,800
Well, there must be some kind of
mix-up,
220
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,280
because according to this sheet,
221
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,360
your pitch is on Trowley Bottom
Farm.
222
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,720
That's bullshit! Less of the effing
and jeffing, please.
223
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,720
Sorry for swearing, but that is
fucking bullshit.
224
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,640
Why would I choose Trowley Bottom
Farm when a) no punters could be
225
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,000
bothered to walk all the way down
there and b) it stinks of pig shit
226
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,440
cos it's on a fucking pig farm.
227
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,360
I'm sorry for swearing, but this is
fucked up.
228
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,440
Kurtan, this is your last warning on
the swearing.
229
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,080
I'm really sorry, but it's too late
to change anything now.
230
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,920
Your pitch is on Trowley Bottom
Farm.
231
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,280
No, absolutely not.
232
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,720
No way. There's no chance I am going
to Trowley Bottom Farm.
233
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,240
That's the end of it. I ain't
talking about it no more, Vicar.
234
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,560
How am I going to get any votes
being down here?
235
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:36,440
It's baffling. I'm baffled by the
entire situation, if I'm honest.
236
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,600
Badly organised by the vicar.
237
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,520
Major fuck-up.
238
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,280
Kurtan can get very competitive.
239
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,200
Like, we had to do this sponsored
swim at school and he was just
240
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,320
obsessed with raising
the most money for it,
241
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,680
so he actually stole our nan's bank
card and withdrew 500 quid,
242
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,640
which meant that she couldn't
get her teeth done.
243
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,800
Well?
244
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,840
What? Did you tell people
to come down?
245
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,160
Yeah. Yeah?
246
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,360
The thing is though,
it's buzzing up there.
247
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,920
It really is buzzing.
All right, yeah.
248
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,440
It's that Dalek though.
Yeah. It is brilliant.
249
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,840
It's just so...
Yeah, he's brilliant.
250
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,560
It's so funny, right. I had a
picture taken with him. Yeah.
251
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,320
If you take that and just scroll
to the left. Great, yeah.
252
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,440
Brilliant. Oh, that's a great one.
Isn't it?
253
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,280
That's another good one. I love it.
254
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,400
I love them all.
That one especially.
255
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,440
Brilliant!
256
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,840
What the actual fuck?
257
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,360
What the actual fuck?
258
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,080
You have fucking lost
your head, mate.
259
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,840
You have lost your fucking head.
260
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,240
I swear to God, if my phone is
smashed, you are paying for that.
261
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,440
Dickhead!
262
00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:00,400
To be honest, when Kurtan gets like
this he's a fucking psycho.
263
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,560
Levi? Who's is that?
264
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,960
June's. Where is she?
265
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,080
Getting a cup of tea.
266
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,680
It doesn't matter what
anyone tells you,
267
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,160
everyone's here for one reason
and that's to win.
268
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,760
Sometimes you just got to throw
someone else under the bus to save
269
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:26,160
yourself, especially if they're old
and stupid, like June.
270
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,600
Roll up! Right, come on.
271
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,400
Guys, have you seen this?
272
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,960
Have you got your voting slip there?
273
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,120
A voting slip? Voting slip. You can
get them from the stall for £1.
274
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,760
Go back and get one from there and
then come straight back here,
275
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,840
I'll tell you what to do,
yeah? Quick!
276
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,680
Hello! Over here!
277
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,320
Vote for me!
278
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,840
Have you got your voting slips?
279
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:51,640
Yes, right. OK, so what you want to
do, put the cross as Kurtan,
280
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,560
that's my one there. Yeah.
281
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,840
Vote that one for the winner.
282
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,720
Yeah, that's it,
hide behind the little Dalek.
283
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,240
You are a massive bell end.
284
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,200
Ow, don't fucking... Yeah?
285
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,760
When I get hold of you, I swear to
God I will fucking deck you.
286
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,840
Fuck's sake, Kurtan.
287
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,120
Every year he's like this.
288
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,960
Yes, I swore at David in
the Dalek but listen,
289
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:28,760
it was only cos I saw him stealing
money out of a charity bucket
290
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:33,200
that was going around. So I'm
actually proud I swore at him.
291
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,320
That's a very serious
allegation you're making.
292
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,960
Yeah, I know.
If you're not telling the truth,
293
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,920
you could be in serious trouble.
294
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,320
Yeah. I know.
295
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,000
But if you are telling me the truth,
296
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,960
we need to go to the police
station immediately.
297
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,480
Do you understand?
298
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,520
Yeah.
299
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,440
Are you telling me the truth?
300
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:55,840
No.
301
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,600
Excuse me, Vicar.
302
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:03,880
Everything OK, June? I went to get a
cup of tea and I left my scarecrow
303
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,520
and when I got back it just...
304
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,480
I don't know where it's gone.
305
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,160
Well, it can't have gone
far, I'm sure.
306
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,160
Shall we have a look for it?
It was over there. It's just gone.
307
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,440
Maybe it got moved, someone got
confused about the pitch.
308
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,560
Well, who would have moved it,
Vicar? We'll have a look.
309
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,600
June stitched me up right royally
but that just spurs
310
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,520
me on, mate, cos if they want to
play dirty, that's fine by me.
311
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,320
I've got a few tricks up
my sleeve, I'm telling you now.
312
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,680
PHONE RINGS
Can you hear that?
313
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,320
Ah!
314
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,400
Hello? Mum!
315
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,440
Why are you crying?
316
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:48,920
They've done what?
317
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,440
Sick bastard!
318
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,480
It's all right, Mum,
calm down, yeah?
319
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,160
I'm on my way now, OK?
320
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,600
All right. Bye.
321
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,640
Someone's just been throwing
plums at my house.
322
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,080
I'm going to kill them.
323
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,160
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
324
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,040
All over this.
325
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,960
Plumming on here, plumming on that.
326
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,320
Plum on the sofa, look!
327
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,240
There's nothing left that
hasn't been plummed.
328
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,760
Oh, my gosh.
329
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,640
I knew this would happen.
330
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,280
Can you see what it's like
to be me now?
331
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,520
I've had a target on my back
since the day I was born.
332
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,680
Right, that's your bag there
333
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,800
and the field's just down there
on the right, OK?
334
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,640
Thank you very much. Thank you very
much, enjoy your free potatoes.
335
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,680
All right, Len? Is this right?
336
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,840
Someone said something about
free potatoes.
337
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,400
Yeah, you got your voting
slip there?
338
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,720
What? Voting slip. Oh.
339
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,920
Yes, yes, that one there.
340
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,360
Right, that's my name there.
341
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:01,720
All you've got to do, yeah, pop that
in the box at the end of the day.
342
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,600
Here's your bag and you can help
yourself to as many free potatoes.
343
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,280
Yeah. Just down there on the right,
big field in front of you, right?
344
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,520
All right.
345
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,520
Cheers, Len. But don't forget
to put the slip in the box, yeah?
346
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:13,560
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
347
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,440
I can trust you, Len, yeah?
348
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,760
Yes.
349
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,320
You all right, sir, happy?
350
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:23,560
Yeah. Nice little jacket potatoes
for tonight for the wife.
351
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,640
Thank you very much, your vote
is much appreciated.
352
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,800
So, Mr Jenkins says you were giving
away bags and bags of potatoes.
353
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,240
No. That's a total exaggeration.
354
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,880
It was like five potatoes,
not even that.
355
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:42,240
And he also said you sold one
of his pigs for £200.
356
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,200
No.
357
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,920
Mr Phillips, right, gave me
200 quid for no reason.
358
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,840
Right. Yeah? And the pig just
followed him out the gate.
359
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,080
And into his Land Rover? Yes.
360
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,600
Plumming someone's house is one of
the most disrespectful things
361
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:06,840
you can do.
362
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,880
I'm going to get the lads together
and sort this out cos I've got my
363
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,360
reputation to think about.
364
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,360
I'm so livid. I'm honestly
absolutely raging.
365
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,800
I'm going to find out who done that
and I'm going to kill them.
366
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,200
End of. No-one messes with Kerry.
367
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,120
You know what I'm like,
Big Mac, don't you? Yeah.
368
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:28,120
Kerry has a lot of mates that
are in year seven and below because
369
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:32,160
she likes to think that she can
control them and that they do what
370
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:36,560
she asks, which is a bit
sad actually
371
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,240
and a bit weird, I think.
372
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,720
I think a lot of their parents are
a bit worried about it.
373
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,280
Tell them what you found out, Levi.
374
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,280
I found out who... Yeah, basically
Levi found out who plummed my house.
375
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,120
Tell them who it was,
Levi. It was...
376
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,400
Yeah, it was some nasty thugs from
Crillington who just moved into
377
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,680
the area and they found out
about my reputation
378
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,160
and they want to challenge me.
379
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,480
So I'm telling you now, Levi,
380
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:59,440
tell them to meet me in the park at
3:00 and they can bring weapons if
381
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,800
they want, if they're too scared
to fight fist to fist.
382
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,120
You lot know my repetition,
don't you?
383
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,520
ALL: Yeah.
384
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,800
You're... These lot are scared
of me, aren't you?
385
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:09,840
Yeah.
386
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,680
I want you to apologise to
Mr Jenkins now.
387
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,160
Sorry, Jenkins!
388
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,760
You're this close to not being
in the competition at all.
389
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,200
Yeah, and you're this close to me
dropping you right now, son.
390
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,200
Right, that's it, you're
disqualified. Him or me?
391
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,760
Don't be smart with me, Kurtan.
Just fuck off, Vicar.
392
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,120
Right, you're disqualified, that's
the end of it. Come on, George.
393
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,840
Well done, Jenkins.
Got what you wanted, did you?
394
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,400
I'm fine. Why would I not be fine?
395
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,640
It's just a dumb scarecrow festival.
396
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,880
Who cares? I just thought I'd spend
every day for three months crafting
397
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,320
it. Even spent all my savings on
getting orchard grass so I wouldn't
398
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,680
get hay mites,
not that anyone cares.
399
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,440
I don't care.
400
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,000
I never even stood a chance cos
the whole village was just waiting
401
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,040
to fuck me over.
402
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,760
You know what? Let's see who makes
front page of the Gazette now,
403
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:11,800
shall we?
404
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,960
Guys, simmer down.
405
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,440
Simmer down. 'In this village,
406
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,760
'people respect me because
I'm as hard as fuck.'
407
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,240
If five nasty thugs from Crillington
want to rumble, I say bring it on.
408
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,400
Frampton!
409
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,680
Stop it now. Just cos
your parents are divorcing,
410
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,200
don't take it out on everyone else.
411
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,680
Sorry, Vicar, is
something the matter?
412
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,800
Er...there's been a bit
of an incident and I couldn't...
413
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,040
Sorry, excuse me. June, have you
seen Kurtan anywhere?
414
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,640
Ooh, not since lunchtime.
415
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,960
Is everything all right?
416
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,760
It's just, I spoke to Mrs Wicks
417
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,520
and he had booked that pitch that
David had his Dalek on,
418
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,280
she jotted it on the back of a list.
419
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,880
Oh, dear.
420
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,440
I might just go and check and see
if he's down on the farm.
421
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,640
If you see him, will you send
him my way? Mmm.
422
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,520
It's quarter past three now
and they still ain't showed.
423
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,680
That's telling, innit?
They're obviously bricking it.
424
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,320
I'm actually gutted for these
kiddies cos they was expecting
425
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,600
a scrap today, weren't you?
426
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,000
That little kiddy over there, that
little fella, you like a scrap,
427
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,040
don't you, mate?
428
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,720
And they're going to miss out on
that cos someone's too scared
429
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,240
to show up but what can I do?
430
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,120
Kerry!
431
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,120
Fuck's sake, Slugs, I said I'm not
going laser quest with you.
432
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:27,760
What you doing here?
433
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,960
I know who plummed your house.
434
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,240
Yeah, so do I, it was some nasty
thugs from Crillington apparently.
435
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,280
No, it was Levi.
436
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,240
No, it wasn't.
437
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,680
Yeah, it was. Lucas Tanner
filmed it, put it on Facebook.
438
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,040
Levi, why would you plum
my house, you little maggot?
439
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,720
That's bang out of order.
440
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,360
Cos you said it'd make you look
dangerous in front of the TV people.
441
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,120
Do you know how small your brain is?
442
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,840
That is the last time I ask you
to do anything for me and that face
443
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:06,080
paint of a tiger, everybody's saying
been behind your back how stupid it
444
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,560
looks as well.
445
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:08,600
Everyone.
446
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,640
Thanks, everyone,
for a brilliant day.
447
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:26,000
It's been a really strong year this
year and we've managed to raise
448
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:31,520
£342 for the William Weston
Foundation, so really, well done.
449
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,360
Now, before I announce the winners,
450
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:41,320
I'd just like to say I've created
another category this year for best
451
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:46,480
effort. I know how hard this person
has worked and it's been a really
452
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,520
testing day for him
but despite that,
453
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,320
his scarecrow was really excellent.
454
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:57,520
So I'd like to award Kurtan
for best effort.
455
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:58,560
Well done, Kurtan.
456
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,600
Where is he? Has anyone seen Kurtan?
457
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,200
Is he here?
458
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,320
No sign of Kurtan?
459
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,120
Water!
460
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,280
Water!
461
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,320
For goodness' sake, June,
get some more water, now!
462
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,560
Has anyone called the fire brigade?
463
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,800
Good, thank you.
464
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,160
Len, do something.
465
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,200
Let someone else do it.
466
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,160
They're still going with
them plums, Kerr.
467
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,640
Oh, they'll get bored in a minute.
Look at this.
468
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,000
Front-page, that's me.
469
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,600
What did the police say?
470
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:07,640
Basically got a caution and I've got
to attend a fire-safety course at
471
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,680
the community college next week.
472
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:13,800
And I'm banned from making, handling
and competing with any scarecrows.
473
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,480
Oh, shit, you all right, mate?
474
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:16,560
I don't give a fuck, Kerr.
475
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,840
Cos there's a vegetable show
at the village hall next week
476
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,360
and I've got a runner bean that's
the size of a scarf laid out
477
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,360
on the floor. Yeah?
And a lettuce that's literally
478
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,920
going to fuck this competition
up the ass, hard and dry.
479
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:26,960
Pff!
37777
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