Original subtitles

Flower in the crannied wall, I pluck you out of the crannies.

I hold you here, root and all, in my hand, little flower.

But if I could understand what you are, root and all, and

all in all, I should know what God and man is.

Beautiful. Is that Ginsburg?

No. Tennyson.

But if I could understand what you are, root and all, and all in all,

I should know what God and man is.

So, to know God, to know man, you first have to know what a flower is.

A flower.

But how can you know what a flower is unless you know who you are?

Who are you?

Do you know who you are?

I love you Alice, be so good.

And so does good design.

I love you Alice, be so good.

And so does health design.

We must find a way to send our love messages to them.

Before it's too late.

We must turn them on to love.

Send them love flowers.

Turn them into love junkies.

We must hug and kiss them in the streets, in their houses, in their

offices, in their minds.

The earth moved for me.

Like in Hemingway.

Did the earth move for you?

No, I don't think so.

I didn't satisfy you.

Of course you satisfied me. It was just that the earth didn't move.

But it has moved in the past.

Oh, Joyce. You know, many times.

Many times.

When?

Well...

You know, a couple of weeks ago it moved.

We must psychedelicize their impoverished dream.

Teach them how to live again.

Make them stop playing the ego game.

Teach them how to die so that they can be born again, so that they can become a

flower again.

Harold, is your asthma bothering you?

I have a little tickle right now, yeah.

Harold? Hmm?

Do you want to get married or not? Sure.

Well, then let's name a date.

I gave you an area.

An area is certainly not a date.

I know what an area is, and I know what a date is.

An area is not a date.

Right. Tell you something, Harold. You've given me enough areas in my life.

I like, but I have yet to get a date from you.

I know from areas, but what I want is a date. Okay.

When do you want to get married?

How about Thanksgiving?

Hey, look at that.

Oh, what is that?

Somebody, I'm pinned in here. I can't get out. Oh my goodness. Who would do a

dumb thing like that? Well, that's stupid.

Terrible. Well, you could maybe try to get out.

Help me back. Oh, sure. I will, darling. Because I'll never make it. You know,

Harold, my parents were married on Thanksgiving, you see. And I thought

that maybe it would make them happy if we had the same.

situation like this? Boy, that is really smart. Boy, that is really a clever way

to change the subject.

Don't be paranoid, Joyce. I didn't make the situation. Are you crazy or

something?

Take me home.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Great. I'm pinned in. I can't move. Take her

home.

Where are you?

Harold, you could move if you wanted to move because man is the master of his

own existence.

You're afraid. You are afraid to move, Harold.

Now look at Harold.

Harold, I have made my commitment to you.

I have given you my mind and my body.

Joyce.

I am 33 years old. Now that's not an easy thing for me to say.

Will you please stop talking for just one minute and help me push this car out

of the way. I just want to know one thing, Harold.

One thing is all I want to know. What? Am I going to be your wife or am I going

to continue to be your concubine?

Don't give me that concubine stuff.

You just tell me. What is it going to be? What do you think, I'm an Arab or

something? Oh, that's funny. Just to be funny now.

I'm asking you to answer my question.

Harold, I'm telling you, you give me an answer now or it's over. Will you just

help me? Otherwise, we're going to be stuck here all night.

Self, you can't move. You always think of yourself.

Oh, yes. All right, I'm helping you now. You're not helping me. Put your hand.

Look, I have my hand here. What do you want me to do, my friend?

So when I tell you, push.

Now push when I say push. I'm doing that.

I'm releasing the handbrake. Now push.

Ow!

How

about

Labor Day?

For what?

For getting married.

and this. I have to go to my office. I have to get a court report.

I'm sorry. That's all I got, Mr. Fine.

And then suddenly tonight, it all fell into place. And he... He was... He was

like a man, Mama. You know what I mean? He was a man who knew what he wanted.

Look, relax.

She'll run fine.

is ridiculous.

It's only for two days, Joyce.

Well, you live long enough, you see everything.

Listen, Harold, make sure that you have my car ready as soon as possible.

Maybe we can go to pay her a dinner. She may smoke a little, but don't worry

about it. I was thinking maybe a wedding breakfast.

Morning, Mr. Fine.

Hiya, Harold.

Morning, Murray.

Hey, I finally beat Jerry Ritzland.

Seven to five.

My serve's starting to work for me.

And my elbow doesn't hurt anymore, which means I am now hitting it right.

You know I was serving with a bent elbow?

That's what screwed me up. But now...

Coming straight over.

You okay, kid?

I'm fine, Pat.

No, I'm okay. You got that look.

What look?

You know, when you get forgot.

Oh.

Joyce and I are getting married Labor Day.

That's great. That is just great.

I think it's the right move. The right move? You should have done it two years

ago. Labor Day, huh?

No harm.

You are getting a wonderful woman in, Joycey.

You watch out, I'm going to attack you before the wedding. Oh, he told you, he

told you.

Half a cup of black, Joyce. All righty.

Uh, are the Rodriguez's here? Oh, yes, they're in the other office.

Could I see you for a minute, Mr. Fine? Uh-huh.

Would you prepare the Rodriguez file, please, Joyce? I've already done that.

Uh, would you just read this for a moment, Mr. Fine?

There you are.

Mr. and Mrs. Bernard Miller, request the honor of your presence.

You got them already, huh?

Read on, read on.

At the marriage of their daughter, Joyce, to Mr.

Harold Fine.

At the twin canter.

They really twins?

Oh, yes.

Now, Harold, they're very expensive, but they perform the most beautiful

ceremony.

Are they fraternal or identical?

Well, they're not identical.

No, I don't think that they are.

I'm just... doing it for my father.

You see, I felt that that's the least that we could do.

I feel that you really don't want them. Now, if you don't want them, I want you

to tell me that you don't want them. The very thought of Cantor's in stereo

instead of a mono Cantor appeals to me.

Oh, Harold.

What? Hey,

Joyce, where's my coffee?

Please, no sex in the office.

Oh, Murray.

Would you send in the Rodriguez twins' family, please?

Yes, sir. You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Mr. Fine, we'll see you now.

Hello, Mr. Rodriguez.

Oh, muy bien, muy bien.

Well, I'm sorry about the shortage of chairs, but this won't take too long.

Perhaps you'd be able to sit over here.

Andale, muchachita, siéntate ahí.

Siéntese ahí, mija.

Good,

good.

Muy bien, huh?

Right, right. No, um...

Mr. Rodriguez, I'm going down to court in a few minutes.

I am going down to court in a few minutes. And before I go, I would like

you all to know, to, uh, Comprendo, the insurance company want to settle out

of court.

How much money, senor, find?

Well, uh, I would think it's safe to assume that we'll get about, uh...

$500 per person.

Now, there were 11 of you in the car, so that would be around $5,500.

I ain't going to do it. You told me $100,000. I told you we would sue for

$100,000. I mean, we're lucky to get that amount.

Remember, there were 11 of you in that car.

Now, if that ever came out in court, we might lose the whole case.

But he hit us from behind.

Yeah, but you had no rear-view vision. You couldn't see out of your back

window. Of course I couldn't see out the window. The chickens were in the back

seat. That is also illegal.

It is not permitted in this country to carry poultry in a passenger car.

No gallinas are allowed in this country in a passenger car.

You've got to have them in your car.

Ma?

Ma?

What's the matter?

Yesterday, a living, breathing man, the picture of health.

Oh, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

He's 61 years old and they took him.

My father, my father.

What father?

No, Mr.

Foley, Ed Foley, the butcher. He had a coronary.

What are you trying to do to me?

You told me a 61-year-old man has just died.

I thought it was Papa.

Señor, siento mucho la muerte de su padre.

¿Qué vamos a hacer? What? I don't understand what he's talking about. My

father says he mourns the death of your father. It's a mistake, Mr. Rodriguez. I

see you want me to leave. I didn't say that. You can stay as long as you want.

No, I haven't time. I have to help Mr. Foley with the funeral arrangements.

Who?

Bite your tongue.

He doesn't remember Ed Foley. You hear, Joyce? He doesn't remember how Ed Foley

saved his life. When you were two years old and we had a candy store in Boyle

Heights, you fell off the stool, you turned blue, blue in the face. We took

you for dead. You stopped breathing. You don't remember.

And then Ed Foley came in. God bless his soul. God rest him. And he took you in

his hands and he breathed life into your mouth. He saved your life and you don't

remember. Yeah, I remember now. Yeah, I remember Ed Foley now. Oh, you see, now

he remembers.

Leave it. All right, all right, I'm going. Harold, Harold, you'll come to

the funeral tomorrow, 12 o'clock.

Yeah, okay.

The wedding is September the 5th at 2 o'clock.

Wedding?

What, what, what wedding?

We're getting married, Ma.

My grandfather says it is too bad your father couldn't have lived to see it.

The whole thing is a total misunderstanding.

You get to invite 100, and we get to invite 100.

100?

Harold. Harold, you heard Harold. 100.

My people in Los Angeles are known. I got more than 100.

And what about my mishpoka in Philadelphia?

¿Qué significa mishpoka?

Quién sabe.

Speak to your father. Maybe I could get 20, 30 more.

You got one extra now that Mr. Foley can't come.

Mrs. Foley, I forgot she's waiting for me downstairs.

Harold, you'll come to the funeral.

Yes, ma'am. And bring your brother.

Bring Herbie. I don't know where Herbie is. I haven't seen him in three months.

Herbie is with the bombs in Venice.

Well, anyway, I'm glad you're coming to the funeral.

It's going to make Mama very happy.

Hey, I'm going to the funeral because it's making me happy.

Funeral's a happy thing, Harold.

In death, there is always rebirth.

Yeah, well... What is this, a hippie supermarket?

Yeah. See, these things are for sale.

You can buy these things here.

See the clothes?

There, those clothes are free.

They're old.

They're new to him.

Really, what you're trying to say, it's a form of communism.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like love.

You think I should buy something?

Only if you need something, Harold.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll buy a book.

Harold, this is a groovy book.

Quotations from Chairman Mao Zedong. Yeah.

How much is that? That'll be a dollar, please.

I'll take it.

Thank you.

It's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Incidentally, I almost forgot to tell you that I'm, uh, I'm getting married.

Oh, that's groovy.

That's so groovy.

The Joyce. Oh, Harold, that's great.

That's great.

He's just a kid. It's a stage.

When I was going to NYU Law, I lived in Greenwich Village. Hippies. Used to be

beatniks. I saw those kids. It's an act of rebellion.

I hope that's all it is.

She's probably got a different girl every night in the week. I should have

it so bad.

Look at that.

Look at that one.

Unbelievable.

Oh, my darling, a year's salary for ten minutes.

Larry.

In a relationship, love.

What love? Love is ten minutes. Love is before.

Marriage is after.

You meet a girl one night, you don't know if you're going to make it, that's

love. When you wake up in the morning, that's marriage.

Now you're talking about sex.

Oh, no, Harold.

Marriage offers a man the most beautiful moments in life.

You don't know what a family is like.

Nobody can describe to you the feeling when you see your first kid. It's like

nobody ever had one before.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'd like a lily or lollies.

Oh, where do they come from? What do they want from me?

Can't you stop for a second, Larry?

When they stop, I'll stop.

They know you're looking at them. They know that they're driving you crazy and

they love it.

How can you tell me how beautiful marriage is when you mentally rape every

woman who passes by?

What does my looking have to do with my marriage?

It's dishonest marriage.

No, it's not, Harold. No, it is not. I love my wife and I love my kids.

How do you do?

Groovy car.

Glad somebody likes it.

What a beautiful day for a funeral.

Mars and Neptune are at the tenth angle.

You're lucky. And Mr. Foley's lucky because by tomorrow, Saturn starts

ingressing into Aries.

Pardon me, did you just say that you knew Mr. Foley?

No, Herbie told me. And he sounds like a beautiful man.

He picked Herbie up in his arms and he breathed life into him.

It's a beautiful thing to do.

What are you talking about?

When Herbie fell off the stool when you folks had the candy store in Boyle

Heights, he saved Herbie's life.

He saved my life.

You do?

That man was a saint.

Where did you get all this from?

You don't know how much this funeral means to him.

Herbie's the most sensitive man I've ever known.

But then all Scorpios are sensitive.

Hiya, Harold.

What are you trying to do to me?

Kill your mother?

No, I'm wearing the traditional burial outfit of the Hopi Indians.

It's beautiful.

Foley was a Catholic, not an Indian.

It's all the same.

It's all man and God. It's love.

Heavy.

Let me buy you a nice new suit.

Just for the funeral.

This is what I'm wearing, Harold.

I realize I'm a square.

I know that.

But you've got to understand that there could be two sides to this.

I mean, you think...

How is Mrs. Foley going to feel?

I mean, how is she going to feel when she sees... ...Ponto at the cemetery?

Hey, Harold, I am not wearing this to bug anybody. I'm wearing it because it's

the right thing to wear.

Well, take that fucking feather out of your hair and wash that stupid paint off

your face!

Really uptight.

I'll tell you what, Harold, I'll let you have the feather or the paint.

You'll let me have the feather or the paint.

Uh,

take the, uh, take the feather out of here.

Okay, uh, put the feather back and, uh...

Cover up the paint with your hand.

What do you think?

I'm asking her.

Okay. Get rid of the paint. Wash it off.

I'm doing this because I love you, Harold. Yeah, fine. Great.

Where are you going?

To the funeral.

But you've never met Mr. Foley.

But I've never been to a funeral.

We are not going to the ice capades. A man, a man, a human being is being

buried under the ground.

But that can be a beautiful experience. I want to experience everything that's

beautiful.

He's going crazy.

They're in arbitration right now.

They won't let him live in peace now. They won't let him die in peace.

God help me. I don't know what to do.

Forty years I've taken care of people in their hour of need.

If you ask me, the unions are getting as bad as management.

In the beginning, we needed unions.

Usable to understand that.

Would you take care of Mrs. Foley for a minute, please?

I'm sorry to have to burden you with these details.

Where is the deceased now?

That's in the valley, isn't it?

North on the San Diego freeway.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Vincent, we are having a slight transportation problem.

The drivers are out on strike.

Think of him. I'll never forget him. God rest his soul.

He'll never let me buy anything a day off.

Very sorry indeed.

I would like you to accept my sincere condolences.

You remember my son Harold.

And this is Matt.

What kind of Meshuggah outfit is this?

I'm wearing the traditional burial outfit of the Indian.

What LSD clothes he's wearing. Now LSD clothes he's wearing too.

You hate me that much. I love you, Mom.

I love you. Don't contradict your mother. I'm not contradicting her. I

could die right here. He wants me in a box like that. Would you have any way of

getting the deceased over here to our premises?

A Volkswagen?

I see.

Well, we'll do the best we can, Mrs. Vincent.

Thank you.

I was doing 35, officer.

What happened? A hippie die?

We are part of a funeral procession. This is all perfectly legal. I'm a

lawyer. Do you have a small device?

I don't think so. This is a loaner.

You have seven days to get one.

Right.

Have a good day. Bye.

I love you, sir.

He's only doing his job, Herbert. I'm only doing mine.

Lots of possessions.

Gonna have to hurry.

What cemetery is it at?

I don't know.

Maybe there's an address on the casket.

Get out that way.

Oh, now there's a cemetery on Centinella.

Tell me when we get there.

Oh, I think that's Centinella. No, no, that's Spirits. Well, it looks like

Centinella. Let's give them a lift.

No, we have no room.

But they could sit in the back.

Yeah, that's all I have to do.

Give hippies and widows a lift.

Don't you worry, we'll find it

Don't

you worry, we'll find it

Don't

you worry, we'll find it

If this isn't it, I have to get some gas.

This is it.

Happiest of circumstances, but I'm glad that I saw you.

And I'll see you at the wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll be there. Good.

And you be sure to bring your little friend with you, okay? Sure, yes. Come

on. Good night, man.

Good night.

Oh, darling, I hope your headache is better in the morning.

You guys going down to La Brea? Yes, but we only have room for one.

All right. Thanks.

Buenas noches.

Hi. Hi.

Where's Herbie?

Herbie met Lovelady.

What, and he just left you alone like that?

Don't you know that's very dangerous to hitch by yourself out here at night?

There are sex maniacs driving in cars.

Perverts. I see them in court every day. Believe me.

Privacy. Just like a private room in a hotel.

The bathroom's not the bedroom, so there's going to be total privacy.

This is going to be nice. And it's right near the pleasure dome.

What's that?

Oh, it's a dress shop. I work there on Saturdays. Oh.

I didn't know you worked.

Isn't this interesting?

What's that?

Sexual aberrations in the human male.

Well, um... Interesting.

My first year out of law school, I did research for a firm that was defending a

homosexual. Very prominent man.

Did he get off?

Fortunately, yes.

What's a shoe fetishist?

A shoe fetishist?

Um, well, generally speaking, a shoe fetishist...

is a person who has a sexual problem in relation to shoes.

Boots and shoes, you know.

That's illegal?

In public it is, yes. It's perversion.

Next step, they'll be taking teddy bears away from babies.

Oh, well, I don't know about that.

Listen, would you like to have a drink?

I don't drink.

Well, I do. It's been a long day for me.

I have a very busy day tomorrow.

My bed is made up.

rather sleep in here, Harold, because I like to watch TV.

Are you sure?

This is cool. Right here.

Right, right.

You know, you can turn the sound right up. It won't bother me.

Oh, no. I just watch the pictures. I don't need the sound.

You have a picture fetish, huh?

Good night.

Good night.

Now, look.

You have my personal guarantee that this... That's all

right.

I just want you to know that you have my personal guarantee that door will not

open tonight.

I mean, you know, you have no need to worry. You're in here and I'm in there

and you have no cause for concern.

Why are you afraid of me?

Who's afraid? I'm not afraid.

I won't come in.

Well, say goodnight.

I'll make you some bread.

Fine.

But I have some things to clear up at the office.

And I don't need any breakfast. Thanks, Barry. You better go. You better go.

Well, I don't have to be at work until seven. Can I hang around and listen to

some music?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

But if the phone rings, don't answer it. Don't answer the phone if it rings.

All right.

I love you, Alice P. Toplas.

And so does Gertrude Stein. I love you, Alice P.

Toplas.

I'm gonna change your name to...

Red velvet trees and lions, gritting lions, candy witches, eating leafy

leaves, building rainbowing lines.

Green woolly golden gardens, marten gardens, coriander,

baby elephants, singing pilot dogs.

I love

you.

And so does Bertrand Stein. I love you, Alice. Be so kind.

I'm gonna change your name to mine. I love you, Alice. Be so kind.

Yeah, very nice. Very nice.

Yeah.

Thanks. Better get a smog device. I got a warning.

Yeah. That's all the cops gotta do. Or else they find my kid.

San Francisco with a colored girl. My wife's going crazy.

Yeah, I know. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look.

Here he is.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Hi. Well, the thing's the matter, darling. We came to see you.

We have to finalize the seating arrangement. We called you on the phone,

but you didn't answer. Yeah, I went to pick up my car. Yeah, well, they charge

you. Eighty-nine bucks. For a fender?

He can afford it.

at the Safeway here. I bought you a jar.

Thanks. My feet are killing me.

Oh.

Help me with my coat while you're there.

Place looks nice.

Harold?

I didn't see you all day.

Well, I was very tired after the funeral, you know.

Plenty of time for that after the wedding

You got some ice water, Harold?

Sure, Pop. I'll get something for you. Thank you. I love this sofa.

Let me know when you don't want it anymore, Harold.

In Beverly Hills, you pay through the nose.

Not bad.

But your taxes are very low.

Let me

just see the list.

If they charge for ice water, I'd be a pauper.

Remember when we had the candy store?

Now.

inviting the twin Cantors to the dinner.

So our side of the family gives up a seat for one Cantor, and Joyce's side

gives up a seat for the other Cantor.

Great. Oh, it is. It'll be a great honor to you and Joyce.

Now, where should we seat them, do you think?

Mama, you planning to go through the entire list now?

Well, I'm not leaving the seating to the caterers. I got enough troubles without

that.

We had 40 people at our wedding.

Yeah.

I don't even know half the people that are coming to this one.

Look. Look, I found some brownies.

They look fresh baked.

Do you have saccharin, Harold?

Oh, I have some in my purse.

Looks like a nice brownie, Harold.

A Reuben's?

I don't remember.

A small bakery on Fairfax.

Better than Reuben's. Better than Reuben's? That's a brownie.

This is delicious.

Very good.

They're groovy.

I wish Herbie was here with us now. He loves sweets.

Herbie is a very sweet boy.

You know what I think?

I think that this is just a stage that he's going through. That's all.

To a funeral, he wears his Indian suit.

These are really good.

One more.

Ben?

My last one.

A diaphragm. Forget it.

Listen. Harry. Thanks for coming in.

Hi. Hi.

Harry. Oh.

Oh, my God. You look just like a guy I used to go with.

Yeah? You're a little better looking.

You're welcome.

I came to see you.

Groovy.

Yeah.

Groovy.

You're very pretty.

And so are you.

Yeah.

You should have told me what was in those brownies.

Thank Alice B. Douglas for her recipe. Yeah? She wrote a pretty good book.

She turned my parents into junkies. She did?

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Oh.

Can I help you, sir? Yes, I'd like to see something in a mini dress, something

lightweight.

Well, all of these just came in. What size does she wear? It's for me.

Well, I don't know if we happen to have here something outside.

I'm a perfect 12.

These are 12.

I think he wants it to go to a Halloween party.

I hope so.

Miss?

Did you find something you like? Yes.

Yes, I like this one.

Is there any place I can try it on?

Yes, we do. Anita?

What I'd like to get, I'm going to get this just about two inches shorter.

About like that.

Well, Anita does the alterations. Anita, can we shorten this about... No, no,

that's it.

Two inches?

No, no, no, no, no. That's not your color.

It's harmonic, isn't it?

I

never

got that close to a butterfly.

you

Yes, ma.

You sound like your asthma's voice.

No, the S just moves.

So where did you disappear to?

Listen,

I changed my mind. I'm not putting Aunt Tanya next to Uncle Murray. You know,

she's got that bladder trouble poor thing, so I'm going to put her closer to

the door.

Listen, Harold, I picked up some of those...

Good, of course.

I picked up some of those brownies, you know. It must be a different bakery.

Blessed be you, Harold and Joyce, who come in the name of the Lord.

We bless you with the blessings of God.

We pray that these blessings may rest gently and lovingly upon you both.

Praised be thou, O Lord, who has blessed these children of Israel through the

covenant of holy wedlock.

And beneath this chuppah canopy... You look very pretty, Joyce.

You do, you look very pretty.

This means a lot to you, doesn't it? Shh, Harold.

Wait a second.

I'm talking to Joyce.

I'm sorry, Joyce.

This is wrong.

I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to do it. It's better.

It is better.

Better? You don't really know me.

I don't know me.

I know I should have thought of all of this before, but I didn't. Stop it,

Harold. You'll never forgive yourself.

I never forgive myself if I ruined her life.

It's not in there.

There's nothing to find in there.

There are no people there.

Only machines.

Garbage disposing machines.

Dish washing machines.

Television machines being watched by people machines.

We have left the machine.

And by so doing, we are opting for survival.

I pluck you out of the cranny.

I hold you here, root and all, in my hand, little flower.

But how can you know what a flower is, Harold, if you don't know who you are?

Who are you?

Do you know who you are?

I'm trying, Guru.

I'm really trying.

When you stop trying, then you'll know who you are.

I'm trying to stop crying.

Good.

I'm reminded of the story of a holy man in India. One afternoon, Siddhartha

returned from a nearby village, and he had gained an insight how

the excretory force had to be reversed, actually, so that the relationship of

the apana, the excretory energy, to...

This basic contraction of the Hatha Yoga, one must never overlook

the importance of the control of the excretory energy.

The Mulabandha, which had puzzled him for many years, the root contraction,

the famous heart of the Hatha Yoga, had opened as a new wave.

First time in my life I feel free.

We just need natural things.

We don't need that.

We don't need all that.

Am I being real?

Am I being a real person?

Kiss my neck.

Kiss my ankh.

Yes.

Kiss it.

Kiss my ankh.

What's going on here?

Oh, just two people enjoying each other's company.

Just being, that's all. Well, it's pretty young.

Will you step outside, please?

Certainly, certainly. It would be a pleasure to.

Excuse me.

Hello, evening.

Take the car out, Harry.

How old are you, miss?

Twenty.

How old are you, kid?

I am 35 years of age, sir. 35 years old. That is my age.

The car is almost brand new. It's registered in the name of Harold Fine.

Yes, that is me. My name is Harold Fine. Allow me to show you my driver's

license. I have it here.

It's my car.

All that clutter.

There.

Here's a photograph of me to prove what I'm saying.

It's not stolen. It's my own car.

I bought it with money I earned when I was leading a terrible life.

This doesn't look like you.

No, that is because, if you'll permit me, sir, my hair is longer now. Before

it was short, as in the photograph.

So there's very little resemblance.

Will you take off the headband, please? It would be a pleasure to take it off

for you.

There, there it's off.

Now pull the hair back so it looks shorter, please.

Yes.

I'm doing this because I love you, sir.

It's him, all right. And he is 35.

Yeah, I am. I'm 35, Harold. Thank you very much indeed.

It's lovely to see you.

Let's go, Harry.

No, wait, please, wait, please.

You don't have to do what you're doing, you know.

Thank you very much, sir. Very kind of you, officer. You don't have to do what

you're doing.

You know, you don't have to wear a gun. I used to wear a gun in my heart, not on

my hip.

I had hatred and violence in me, didn't I, sweetheart? You know that. I had

hatred and violence in me.

Now, listen.

Don't go. Do you know where you're going? Do you know who you are? Where

you are?

Flower in the crannied walls. I pluck you out of the crannies. Pluck yourself,

Jack. Why don't you get a haircut and an apartment?

But I have an apartment.

I mean, I choose to live here. I don't have to live here. Well, you better not

be here when we come back.

Well, listen, you've been through a lot. You have been through hell, Joyce.

You know, Murray, I've been thinking.

This may sound silly to you, but maybe what I should do is go to one of

those... with computer mating places where you're just still out of form, you

know, and then they handle the whole entire thing impersonally. Now, what do

you think?

Totally wrong.

Totally wrong.

In my opinion, you have just gotten over a long-term engagement.

What you need now is a nice hot affair.

Forget the intellect.

Enjoy yourself.

Have some sex.

This is gross, isn't it?

I know what I don't want.

I don't want another Harold Fine.

That's what I don't need, another Harold Fine.

Just ignore her.

Turn your stomach.

She looks like a gypsy for heaven's sake. Some kind of perverse need to

cause attention.

Would you like to buy a free press?

Hey, Murray!

Oh, Joyce! Oh, Joyce, you look groovy. Oh, Harold!

Harold, I took you to everything.

Come back to me. You're a sweet person, Joyce. You have love in your heart. I

love you, Harold.

Joyce. Peter, you weirdo hippie freak. I love you, sir.

We have to go.

Oh, Harold, come back to me. Come back to me. Joyce, Joyce. I love you. You

love Harold. Fine, he no longer exists. Let go of my beach. He exists. You're

standing right here, Harold. I love you. Do you understand?

Come back to me. It'll be just like the beginning. Let go of my beach. I love

you. Joyce.

Oh, please, Harold, please. I love you. Let go of my beach, Joyce.

Teeth, teeth, and yet more teeth.

Wow.

Teeth.

Is it in black or in white or color or what?

That's what's so groovy about it, Harold. I think it's whatever you want

to see in it.

I think he's a genius, Harold.

Yes, yes.

Yes, he's a genius. And you know, Herbie said that there's one sequence in which

they split the screen about 32 times.

One for each tooth.

Let's go for a night, Harold. Listen, I'd sooner take a bath. I'd like to. No,

I'd like to. I want to take a bath.

No. Yeah, I really want to take a bath.

Could you tell me what time Mondo T starts?

Are you sure you don't want to come with me? No, I just want you to take a bath

with me. Why don't you rub my neck in the bath? Harold, I want to see Mondo T.

How long is the movie?

Six hours.

Six hours?

I'll see you after the movie. I'll rub you after the movie.

I can't stand the buses.

How are you going to get there anyway?

Hitch. Hitch?

Nancy, you know I don't like you to hitch.

Don't get uptight, Harold.

I'm not getting uptight. I just don't like it a hitch, that's all.

Anyway, if you get a hitch, get a hitch from the lady.

Make sure she's not a dyke.

Armando teeth.

I don't like to give Armando.

I'm so glad you changed your mind. It's so groovy in here.

It's totally groovy.

Oh, it's much better than Mondo teeth. I'm totally immersed.

Totally immersed in liquid. It's fantastic.

Oh, honey, you're gonna love this. Hey, you're beautiful.

I just want to shake your hand.

Oh, I... I'm Big Bear.

I don't think I know you. I know you, man. What a beautiful thing you've done.

Oh, it's very nice of you. Oh, hey, this is, uh, Lovelady in El Greco.

You're beautiful.

Oh, actually, I'm very nice of you. I'm trying to take a bath.

Hey, can I join you, man?

Well, I didn't know it was a bath.

Yeah, that's what it is. Harold Fine, you're beautiful.

Thank you. You're very sweet.

Can somebody get that?

What is it? It's a telephone.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I've taken a vow against machinery.

Oh.

Well, maybe somebody could... I'll get it. I'll get it.

Just a second. I'll get it.

Hello? Oh.

Yes, oh, hi, Murray. Hi, hi.

The Rodriguez's... Listen, Murray, listen.

I am truly sorry about that. I appreciate if you'd handle that for me.

That's the man I was telling you about. Yeah, hello.

I never

told

you this, Joyce.

only two months married.

Well, this fancy governess, oh, what am I, governess, what? She was a maid, you

know. Well, she used to wheel this baby around in the park, and while she was

wheeling, she was wiggling her behind at my Ben.

Oh, Ben was a handsome man in those days.

They're terribly hurt.

Joyce, you know, women are built for hurt.

Don't worry.

The hood's okay, Mrs. Fine.

That'll be $3.20.

Thank you, George.

So, um, so how's the family?

Well, to tell you the truth, Mrs. Fine, I've been having a little trouble with

my daughter.

San Francisco with a white boy.

My wife's going crazy.

Morning, Harold.

Oh, hi.

Morning.

That which is called ego death is coming to you.

Remember, this is now the hour of death and rebirth.

Take advantage of this temporary opportunity to obtain the perfect state.

Enlightenment.

If you cannot maintain the bliss of illumination, and if you are slipping

back into contact with the external world...

Hey,

what have you done to the rug?

I'm sorry?

Why are you painting him?

Because I like him. Yeah?

What about me?

I like you, too.

Is there anybody you don't like?

Hey, Herbie.

When did you get here?

Last Thursday.

Uh-huh.

Very, very, very, very groovy scene.

Yeah, groovy.

Yeah.

Yeah, very groovy, yeah.

Yeah, this is really groovy.

Groovy. This is groovy. This is really... Harold.

Really groovy.

Hmm?

I'm really dragged. That was a bad scene in there.

What?

I can be anybody I want to. Yeah?

You're really uptight about me.

I dig you.

You're making a marriage scene out of it. I thought you wanted to be free,

Harold.

You bet I want to be free. But I want to be free with you alone.

But you're so possessive, you're making me uptight about us.

Your attitude is very unhip.

My attitude is unhip?

Don't give me that.

Don't. Listen, I'm probably the hippest guy around here.

I got a house full of strangers.

I got cats. I got dogs.

I got pot. I got acid. I got LSD cubes.

I've got... I've got this thing here.

Don't tell me about hip.

I am so hip. It hurts.

That's how hip I am.

It's very unhip to see your hip, Harold.

And it's very unhip of you to tell me that I am unhip.

All right, come on in, everybody. Come in. Come in. It's open house. Come in.

Ma.

Hi.

Ma, ma. Where's the telephone?

Ma. Where's the telephone?

There used to be a phone over here. Did you see a telephone? Hey, ma. Where?

Ma, don't do that.

That's it.

Ma, what are you doing? What are you doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?

I'm calling the Veterans Administration.

They'll know what to do about you. It happened in Korea. Who am I kidding?

Information, give me the VA. I'm calling Section 8. Don't do it, Ma. Please

don't. Don't do it, Ma. Please look at this place. In my ganzer Leben, I never

saw such a mess.

It's a pigsty.

I'll teach you to run around barefoot.

Friends, shame on you. Go on a diet. All I eat is grass and acid.

It's grass and acid, huh?

Don't argue with me. Take these things. I'm cleaning up here.

Cassie's got in here all day.

Don't give me orders in my own home. This is a stove, not a bed.

I love you, Alice B. Toklas. Who is Alice B. Toklas? Gertrude Stein's

friend. Oh, yes.

Gertrude Stein. She used to live in Oakwood.

Hi, Mrs. Roderick.

Good morning, Senor Fine. We hate to bother you in our house.

Come in, ma'am. Come in.

Ruchim ha-boyim v'shem Ha-Shem

Blessed be you, Harold and Joyce, who come in the name of the Lord.

We bless you with the blessings of God.

We pray that these blessings may rest gently and lovingly upon you both.

Praise be thou, O Lord, who has blessed these children of Israel through the

covenant of holy wedlock and beneath this chuppah canopy of marriage.

As by the wedding ring you symbolize your marriage bond... Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Hey, where you going, man?

I don't care.

But there's got to be something beautiful out there.

There's got to be.

Oh, I know it.

I love you, Alice B. Toklas.

I'm so just good to start.

I love you, Alice B.

Toklas.

I'm going to change your name to my...