Original subtitles

This is the story of when Harry divorced Sal.

Almost.

How did they get here?

Well, it starts with kissing your ex-wife.

Harry!

Harry, are you in here?

Harry, can you stop, please?

I feel like an absolute idiot, okay?

I know. And I'm sorry. No, don't do that. You are so full of shit.

You are just another guy who gets me into bed, has a bit of fun, and then

goes back to his fucking wife. No, that's not what's happening. I just saw

you kissing your ex, so it made me feel crazy.

This is ridiculous.

I don't want to be your consolation prize, Sal, okay? I don't want to be

anybody's backup plan.

But that's literally what this is.

We said, we said we would be each other's backup plan. Harry, please, can

you just talk to me? Why?

You're just doing what we agreed to, right?

What about Danny? How is that different?

What? I called that off. It's over.

No, no. When I was on that freaky date the other night, I saw him leaving the

apartment when I got home, and you lied about it.

So, you slept with Miss Downsifuck. It's such a double standard.

I didn't sleep with her. Yes, you did. You told me you did. I lied.

Oh.

Okay, well, shit.

Now who's the liar?

Come on, don't do that. I let the Danny thing slide.

Wow.

Thank you? What a saint.

You know what?

Forget about you kissing your ex. You let the Danny thing slide.

Jesus, Harry. We all marry our unfinished business.

We all choose the person custom-built to trigger the exact childhood wound you'd

swore you'd buried.

Then someone brings up some shit from high school. You didn't want to be seen

dating the only South Asian guy at high school. That's why.

Okay, chill out, mate. It wasn't because you were brown. Fuck you. I was 16.

Your type was white, basic, and a little bit racist.

And you know what's crazy?

It still kind of is.

Yeah, well, no one was lining up to date the ginger girl either, Sal, okay?

And you, you were never going to seriously date me. And you know why?

Because you were too scared of what your parents would think if you brought a

white girl home. Okay? It goes both ways.

Yeah, well, at least you fit in.

That was your priority, eh? That's what you cared about, fitting in?

Is that why you get wasted with your dad?

It's not fair, ma'am. Well, life's not fair, I guess.

At the end of the day, do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?

I really didn't mean for any of this to happen.

You don't mean for a lot of things to happen, Harry. Maybe that's the problem.

Cool. And you're perfect, right?

No, I'm boring.

Your words, remember?

Great. So I'm the worst?

And you have all the moral fucking high ground.

Jesus, why does this feel like an actual marriage all of a sudden?

Because maybe it fucking is an actual marriage, Harry.

But like I said before, this isn't a love story.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Me too.

Let's sit down and let's have a conversation.

Okay, the rest of my stuff later.

I want to settle down I want to settle down Won't you settle

down with me Settle down Seasons change. You get used

to being without the other person.

You realize life keeps going, and your heartbreak is a solo venture, like long

-distance running. And no amount of people around you can ever make you

forget that it's just fucking painful.

It's Lullabot! It's Lullabot! Yes!

At some point, you start to feel better.

You make new plans.

You move on.

You learn that you're going to be okay.

And maybe, somehow, even a little bit better.

Harry, oh my God, are you okay?

Where have you been? I heard about the Sarah thing.

I quit.

You can't quit. I quit. I'm done. I'm out. Is this like a Me Too thing?

Because I'm pretty sure no one gives a shit anymore, okay? Blackmail's not

going to work.

I can try, right? Stop! Okay, fine, fine, fine. Just quit.

Great. Great.

It's been real, Danny.

Shut up.

Because the best love story is always the one where you step up and fight for

yourself.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's kind of it. Yeah.

Cool. Well, I think that brings us up to speed, eh?

So... Sorry, what is this for?

Oh, it's for my TikTok.

So I'll tell you. I do a little series on toxic couples.

You tell me a story and I put a funny little commentary over the top. It's

actually going gangbusters. It's 98... No, 99 views on my last one. Cool, cool,

cool, cool.

You do the commentary, I assume? I don't do the commentary. I use an AI voice

generator for that. It's Dwight from The Office.

Really funny. You want to see it?

Is that...

Does Rainn Wilson know that you're using his voice?

This couple's marriage is doomed to end in a painful divorce.

Like, share, and subscribe for more.

That's good. Yeah, that's good. That's really good.

Is that legal?

Yeah, it is, because you signed a waiver. Remember?

I'm just kidding. But you did sign it. Do you want me to get Elspeth in here to

show you what you signed?

I'm definitely suing this guy.

Sweetie, did you hear that?

That's a glitch in me phone.

Is that a...

It's gas, I don't know.

Okay, well, hey, look, I have in front of me the official divorce agreement, so

I'll get you to have a read, and we'll make this shameful life decision

officially. There you go.

I'm just joking. There's no stigma attached.

None at all, okay?

I don't really need to read this.

I don't want anything from Sal. He deserves to keep all he has, so... No,

no, no. Look, take it home, read it.

I'm happy to adjust anything.

I just don't want to cause you any more problems, okay? I really want you to be

happy. I don't... I've got to ask, from a moral standpoint, are you two

absolutely certain you want to get divorced?

Um... Yeah.

Yeah, why?

Because you two are the happiest divorcing couple I've ever seen.

It's starting to freak me out.

I had a couple in here yesterday. The woman wanted to run over her husband's

cat. Do you know how bitter you have to be to want to do burnouts on a man's

pussy?

Oh, my God, yeah, wow.

Very bitter.

I'm not bitter, because Sal's the best, and I would never want to hurt him or do

any of that.

Yeah, I mean, I respect you too much, so I wouldn't do that. Yeah, it's pretty

crazy. Wow, I am very confused, I have to say, but you are paying me double, so

fuck it.

Let's do this.

You know how to do this, eh, Sal?

You've been divorced one time before?

Yeah, yeah.

Careful, though, mate, you might break my record.

Divorce lawyers exist on the other side of happily ever after.

They're the business end of love, and they suck.

You got a cease and desist coming, buddy.

Yeah, I've been divorced too many times.

Shit, if I get divorced one more time, I'll get a loyalty card, which is deeply

ironic, isn't it?

So, we're both going to be divorcees.

Yeah, yep.

That lawyer was... Insane?

Yeah. Yeah.

So, how have you been? I've been good.

Yeah. You? Yeah, good.

Really busy, but good.

Yeah, me too.

Busy.

How's Renee?

Renee is good.

Yeah, she's good.

It's her birthday today. Oh, tell her I said happy birthday.

I will. I will.

I actually, I got a new job. No way.

Yeah, I wrote this thing and it got picked up by an international

publication and now they kind of want me to do this series about solo travel

through Europe, like a starting over kind of thing.

That's awesome.

You deserve it.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm actually off to Iceland tomorrow.

You're going to Iceland?

Yeah, it's this northern lights piece. Apparently it's mostly dark this time of

year. I mean, that is your ideal climate.

I know, I was built for an Icelandic winter, like those pinksy horses.

I should go.

All done.

Hey, for what it's worth, I had a really nice time being married to you.

Me too.

Timing is everything.

just like old time.

Hey.

Hello.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's been really busy at work and... Right, Fatih?

Work. Crazy. It's crazy, right?

Oh, super crazy.

So many volunteers, people, gender violence people.

Well, Sal met with the lawyers today about...

Okay, you don't have to mouth her name. She's not Voldemort.

Right. Didn't have to nap at me. Mom and Dad.

Please don't. So, Renee, you're here, like, a lot.

We need you two moving in together. Oh, we're going to move back into our own

place.

What?

Well, we can't live here.

What are you going to do?

Rent your whole life in a dusty warehouse?

When you feel like you've travelled back in time, and not in a fun sci-fi way,

That's the moment to put eject.

I have to go to the bathroom. Sorry. Excuse me.

This is delicious.

Has Vanessa caught?

She will. You still feeling sick, sweetheart?

No, Mum. My article went... Viral, I don't have a virus.

Oh, right.

Listen,

I'm really sorry about your father.

He adores you girls, really. He just has a terrible way of showing it.

And I know I don't say this much, but I'm really proud of you.

Always wanted you to settle down, but I know that's not who you are. You don't

need a man to complete you. You are more than enough.

Thanks, Mum.

Did you like that spell, though?

Yeah, he's a goodie, that one.

You sure you don't want me to take you to the airport tomorrow? Oh, no, it's so

early. I'll just get an Uber or something. Fine.

OK.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Love you. Love you.

What are you doing?

I just need a minute. I think I just hang out a bit here too, eh?

It's pretty intense out there.

What's this?

Airboy convention?

Babe, we're having a moment.

In the bathroom?

It's private.

We need to talk. I don't want to talk. I want to have a private moment in my

bathroom. Thank you very much. Absolutely not.

Okay? As your cousin, I am not not going to talk about this whole Renee

situation. What is going on?

Look, she's pretending like the last five years didn't happen.

Yeah, and what's up with your shirt, bro? Renee likes it. Oh, Jesus, Solomon.

Look, everything has been about Renee since we were teenagers.

Look, I supported it when you guys were married, but if I'm being honest...

Don't be honest. I don't want... I like Harry.

What? What?

A lot.

Look, guys, Harry and I don't work, okay? And we both decided that we don't

work. We both agreed on that.

Plus, Renee is trying.

She made us dinner.

Okay, look, I wasn't going to show you this, but you need to read it.

Harry's written something about you.

Is everything okay in there?

Yeah, yeah, everything is okay.

Fussy is just... I just had an accident.

I know you guys are talking about me.

You know what?

We'll go.

Yeah. Let's go.

You stay.

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

I know it's your birthday.

If you didn't want to do this, you could have just told me. Things just fell back

into place and then I didn't know what to say. My corona. I thought I wanted

this. I really did, but... I don't.

I think you're making a mistake.

I married my best friend.

on a random tuesday not because we were in love but because we thought that we

could beat the system what i didn't expect was actually getting a lesson in

what defines true love is it fireworks or is it the person who has your back

no matter how many mistakes you make hot tip not the fireworks

Harry, what are you doing up so early?

You know Ruby doesn't sleep.

I couldn't let you go halfway around the world without saying... I told you so.

No, I wouldn't say that.

I'm so, so sorry, Ness, for a lot of things, really.

You're an amazing, amazing, overachieving sister, and you show me up

in every possible way.

and I just feel like you've just got everything sorted, always, and there's

just nothing I can teach you or offer you because you're, you know, you're

just so fucking smart.

There's a lot that you can teach me, just that some of it is what not to do.

I'm really sorry that you're getting a divorce.

Yeah. It's probably not that much of a surprise, though, right? Not exactly.

But I really liked what you two had, and I don't think it's so crazy after all.

I know that life isn't a fairy tale, but I just kind of, like, thought for a

second, maybe it could be, you know?

Cam and I, um... Cam and I are going to, um, counselling, so you weren't so far

off the mark there.

Great. Yeah.

Come on, man, what the fuck?

Shit. I gotta go.

This fucking guy. Okay.

Yeah. I love you.

I'm coming!

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm so sorry.

Bye. Call me when you get to Iceland. I will. I can't believe you're going to

Iceland. I know. I love you. I'm sorry.

What lady loves to sit down, huh? Can you... Bloody shit, man. Come on. Fine.

Hey, put my foot properly, man. What the fuck are you doing? I love you.

Yeah, bye, dude.

Morning.

Morning. This is in the mailbox.

Bye, Grandma.

Bye, darling.

See you, Dad.

See you.

We have to talk better.

You haven't filed the divorce papers yet?

I'll get around to it.

Mom, I know what I did with Harry was...

out of character and irrational.

I see that now, okay? And I know you and Dad think that Renee is better for our

family and that she fits our family better.

Renee is not the one for you, Bitter.

What?

Salman, you're a good son.

You always put everyone else first.

When you and Renee were pregnant, you stayed by her side, and your dad and I

are so proud of you for that.

But, Bitter, now I think it's time for you to do what you want.

You and Dad always wanted me to be with Renee.

No. We always wanted you to be happy.

With Renee, you're... What do the kids say?

Punching? Okay.

She's beautiful, yeah.

But Harry?

I saw how that strange white woman brought you alive.

Yes, she drinks too much. She has no faith. She has an unstable job.

But she wanted what was best for you.

And I love her for that.

Well, none of that matters because she's leaving, so... I know.

Okay. So it's time.

Go get her. Her flight doesn't leave for 45 minutes. I'm not going to the

airport. Come on, don't overthink it. Just take your keys and go. Oh, just

wait. Come on, you need to listen to me. Take your keys and go. Just go. Now?

Just go. Yes, now. Go and get her.

Oh, my God, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm going to do it.

Okay.

Don't look at me. Just go.

Please make your way to gate four.

Oh,

my God.

Harry.

Harry, please, listen to me.

Don't get on that plane.

He's my husband, my ex-husband. Please, let him go.

Perspective terrorist, ground floor, departure.

He's not a terrorist. I'm not a terrorist.

Stop resisting.

Then why were you trying to stop the plane?

I'm just here because I love someone, man.

Hey, let him go.

Let him go. Ma'am, I need you to back away. He's not a terrorist. He's a

fucking dentist.

I'm just a guy.

Standing in front of a girl being picked out by security, asking her to love him.

Come on.

Get him. Get off him. Ma'am, I need you to... Come on, you Satan.

What are you going to do? We're wrecked.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ma'am, don't you say this.

I missed your flight.

I didn't want to go to Europe.

I'm done that life.

Northern lights are more than lights, am I right?

So dumb.

Yeah.

I never signed the divorce papers.

So technically, we're still married.

What?

This is not how I imagined this happening.

But... I miss you.

Like, a lot. I miss you a lot.

I miss you too.

Look, you always complain about how you've picked shitty men your whole

life.

Well, I'm not a shitty guy.

I'm a good guy. And you're a great girl. And you should never be anyone's backup

plan. You should be the main plan.

You should be the first.

Like when someone makes a plan and you are the one that... I get it. I get it.

Thank you for saying that.

And I think our pact worked.

And it still could work.

You mean like, like do it our way?

Yes, I do mean that.

Are you two done?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry, man. Sorry.

Ah,

free to go.

But maybe next time.

Don't run screaming through an airport. Yeah, yeah. My bad, man.

Should know better.

Yeah. Yeah.

He knows. Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Nice guy.

Yeah.

Want to get ice cream?

I'd love to.

Maybe we all just want the chance to write our own story our own way.

However it looks.

Without fate or princes or white poofy dresses and terrible seating plans.

Because nobody ever tells you that happily ever after is just the

beginning.

But that's a story that I, the real Rainn Wilson, would love to tell you.

One upon a time.