Original subtitles

My name is, uh, Zach Galifianakis, and, um...

I hope I'm pronouncing that right.

I'm named after my granddad-- my middle name.

My name... name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

Growing up, my dad was like,

"Zach, you have a great last name.

"Galifianakis, Galifianakis...

"Begins with a gal...

and ends with a kiss."

I'm like, "That's great, Dad.

Can we get it changed to Galifianafuck, please?"

♪ ♪

I think of the... I thought of

the worst character yesterday, and I'm going to try it,

but I don't know if it'll work.

It's the guy that moves to America from India,

and he gets his nines and his sevens

mix up... mixed up.

"I want to open up my own 9-Eleven."

It's 7-Eleven!

Oh, God.

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, Zach?

Apparently, they just intro'ed you.

Oh, shit!

All right, let's hear a little noise right now.

Going to bring up your headliner.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Zach Galifianakis.

Thank you.

Wow. This is a... this is a dream for you.

It's nice to be on the outskirts of Chinese Town, and, uh...

Yeah, they changed it to Chinese Town.

I'm going to start a little slow tonight.

I drank so fucking much last night.

Oh, God, I-I just got to calm...

My... my liver wrote his congressman

and complained.

And it's...

It's going to be all right, though.

It's going to be really nice.

When you look like I do,

it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese.

I went to my stylist, uh, tonight before the show,

and she was, uh, like, uh,

"Zach, what kind of look are you going for?"

I said, "Just give me the AMBER Alert."

"Something along those lines," I think is what she said.

I was at the, uh, Natalie Merchant laser show

the other day, and, um...

when I wrote this next piece of business.

Oh, God.

Last night, I... all right, I'm going to get...

I... I got so dr...

I... I African-Americaned out.

And, um...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Perhaps to really get to know

actor and comedian Zach Galifianakis

you have to go where it all started,

his birthplace, the place he grew up,

and talk to the person who knows him best, perhaps,

his twin brother--

identical twin brother-- Seth Galifianakis.

This is where it all began for you and your brother.

-That's right. -On this street.

-Everfair? -Everfair Terrace.

-1621 Everfair Serrace... -Uh-huh.

Terrace. Nervous.

But, uh, yeah, this is, uh, this is it.

-This is where it started, and... -Mm-hmm.

this is probably where it'll end...

for me.

My grandma treats me like a rock star.

I guess that's why she lets me sign her tits.

♪ ♪

It takes forever.

Because I use a pencil.

♪ ♪

Never meet anyone in public and then, uh...

Never meet anyone on the Internet, I should say, and...

Let me take that again.

Five, four...

...three...

two...

Action.

Tell me a little bit about yourself, Seth.

Tell me about the town you live in,

your family here, what you do for a living. What...

Are you rolling?

Is that how you s... "action"?

-You don't... -Do you say "action"?

You know what, we're having a conversation,

and ignore the cameras.

I know it's hard to,

because there's one right over my shoulder,

and I'm looking at one...

here...

and then the lights seem very unnatural,

and they get a little warm.

But just try to shut all of that out,

and it's just us having a conversation

like we did a half an hour ago

-when we met. -Can you just...

well, do you mind saying "action"

just before you start, just to...

'Cause I've always wanted to be, uh...

Like, on the George Lopez show, I saw the behind-the-scenes

of George Lopez, and it was on Entertainment Tonight,

and... before he started talking,

somebody was, like...

"Action."

So if you'd... I mean, I'm not... I'm not...

I'm no George... Lopez or anything like that,

-but I-I... If you'd just do it, -Right. You're right.

-I think it might kick it in a little bit better. -Okay.

Action's usually reserved for film shoots,

when they do film, because it actually syncs up the sound

and the film, and we're shooting video today,

so we don't really need to do that.

But if you insist, we could do that.

Yeah, it's just one word, if you don't mind.

- Okay. - Are you still on the NRA?

NPR... Was it NRA?

It's National Public Radio.

Are you familiar... Do you get it down...

They-they play it out in the, like, college towns

in North Carolina, NPR and stuff, and I...

I mean, it's...

to me it's a bunch of junk.

♪ ♪

Never meet anyone online

and then agree to meet them out in public.

I did that.

And the first thing the woman says to me is,

"You don't look like Matt Damon."

And I said, uh, "You don't look like Penny Marshall."

Your political belief system, what is it?

Is it important to you?

And is faith also an aspect of Seth Galifianakis?

Uh, yes, um, faith is, um...

I'm a youth minister...

and, um, in charge of youth chili cook-offs.

I'm sorry...

I'm very sorry.

♪ ♪

If you read my blog, you know I'm a Pilates freak,

and, uh...

♪ ♪

I like to read the Pubble... the Buh...

Fuck, I goddamn suck!

I don't know...

I... Sometimes I have a speech impediment,

which is...

it's a hard word to say if you have one.

I guess.

I like to read the Bible in public places

so people are watching me read it.

And I like just to murmur out to myself,

"Oh, bullshit!"

My agent called me the other day,

and she was, like, "Zach, you have an audition

for a Triscuits commercial."

And I said, uh, "Is there any nudity?"

And she said, "Yes."

And I said, uh, "I don't have to fuck a cracker, do I?"

Hey, that's not true-- I just wanted to write a joke where

the punch line was "I don't have to fuck a cracker, do I?"

Which would be different if I were a black comedian.

♪ ♪

Have you seen this show on Lifetime about that woman...?

These are all old jokes.

I'm gonna do nothing but new material. Here we go.

Brand-new material.

Have you guys been keeping up with this Lorena Bobbitt thing?

I want to open a maternity shop and call it "We're Fucked."

I'm really tired. I just got back from St. Louis,

and I'm so bus-lagged and, um...

when you have sex on a Greyhound bus,

it's called the, uh, 36-inch-high club.

That's my new character--

the serious guy

who surprises you with a belch.

It's my new character I'm working on.

For five years now, I've been addicted to cold turkey.

And I would tell people I'm quitting cold turkey.

They're like "What are you quitting?"

I'm like, "I'm quitting fucking cold turkey."

I was at Arby's the other day, and uh...

I was thinking to myself,

"Oh, shit. I should take someone's order."

Then I thought, I should open up my own restaurant

in the same vein as IHOP.

But I'd like to call it IHOCOC.

Which stands for "International House of Corn on the Cob."

And we sell corn... on the cob.

And our slogan is, "Come on down; don't be such a faggot."

I can't decide on the character for the DVD,

so I'm doing a lot of different looks.

Okay, guys...

This is fucked up, man.

Fucking Bukowski was right.

I'll tell you what was wrong with the Ford administration.

Nobody complains about the Ford administration.

I rented The Importance of Being Earnest the other night,

and, um...

First of all, I can't believe they made another Ernest movie.

And it's such a cocky title.

♪ ♪

I bought a, uh, used car

that had a vanity plate on it already.

The vanity plate reads: "I S-U-X D-I-X."

I sux dix.

And I just tell people that it stands for,

"I sure xylophone. Do I xylophone!"

Or "I sell used Xerox, digital interface Xerox."

You like this one?

I do like that.

You need to try it on? Is this...?

Yeah.

You do? These'll fit.

These'll fit.

But why don't you try this...?

-Wow. -You like that?

Yeah.

What do you think?

It's nice.

Is it comfortable?

It's comfortable, and I think it's gonna breathe nice.

Candles!

Leave it on.

The old dressing-Joe-up-as-a-lady trick.

I do like being sketched, though.

You know what I mean?

Being in a sketch or being just, like, sketched?

No, just being sketched.

Specifically caricature.

When that happens and I'm not...

'Cause then I always...

I always feel... I always feel thinner.

I was getting ready to say, "Do they ever run out of pencil?"

Airline food's weird.

Is it cool if I turn this around?

That's my other character that I'm doing--

the guy that's confused about the microphone.

That's another guy that I'm working on.

I have a lot of "chairacters" that I do.

There's no way that this table came to see me specifically.

I know that you were a little picked on earlier, but...

Honest to God, did an old... I mean...

We may have to move you in the back.

It's not good for the DVD.

And we're also looking for a more ethnic crowd.

We... I see now. That's what...

Uh... We, uh, we focus-grouped, and, uh...

Shit, this is... this is hard right here.

Are there any Asians or blacks in the back?

That's gonna be the name of the DVD.

That's it, that's the name.

Are There Any Asians or Blacks in the Back?

Somebody write that down. I'll never...

I'll never remember it.

No, if you don't mind me, uh, a'ksing,

wh-what, uh...

You have the worst body language I've ever seen.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, you know, that's okay. I mean, you're being honest.

At least, you know, you're be...

you're being honest, and that's the way you have to be.

And, uh...

but why sit up front and ruin my career?

This was supposed to propel me, this DVD shit.

Goddamn it, I've got an eye doctor...

whose squint...

he's got a look on his face like he's trying to crack a safe.

During my jokes.

Uh...

can I get you some absinthe or something?

Is there any...?

Is there some kind of drink to get this, uh...

this fuckin' motherfuckin' party, whoo!

I love guys like, "Let's fucking party!

"Yeah, fuck it up!"

I grew up with guys like that.

I hated them so much.

Uh...

But seriously, Dr. Eye...

Do you have stock in Netflix?

What the fuck is, uh...

why up front?

You don't... You haven't... you just came...

You stumbled on to a comedy show, right?

No, we came to see you.

-Really? -Yeah.

We're from Walnut Creek.

From... All the way from Walnut Creek?

Guys!

Wait a minute, wait.

So, you didn't come to see me.

You did... That's a... that's a...

Oh, did you see Out Cold?

Yeah!

It was a snowboarding movie I did with Lee Majors.

- Um, you look like... - Everybody Wang Chung!

Yeah, you look like, uh, my fan base. Uh...

No, honestly, in-in all seriousness,

uh...

wh-why are you here?

Came to see you.

-How do you know about me? -From over here.

From over where?

This guy over here.

-Somebody told you to come see me? -Yeah. Yeah.

-Well, who do we blame? Who is the guy? -There he is.

-Where? -Right there.

- He's here. - Oh...

Oh, this guy.

Is that somebody's, uh, is that your grandson?

Oh, God,

I'm fucking great.

I don't know how...

Wait, is... all right, so this is somebody's...

neighbor... like, is he, like...

slightly...

Explain that; I'd like to know.

Uh, we were here last week

watching Mort Sahl with this gentleman, and

I told him he should come back so he could bring his friends.

-Oh, really? -Yeah, 'cause you were great.

Uh, that's very nice. Uh...

How was Mort... how was Mort Sahl?

Fantastic.

Fuckin' timing was...

He does too many pussy jokes.

That whole bit he does where...

What was it that Noam Chomsky said about eating pussy?

Just to prove

that I can be a dirty comedian

but also appeal to the art crowd,

this next joke is...

so... to prove that I can appeal to the art crowd

but also be dirty.

So, I call my balls Belle and Sebastian.

Something...

along those lines.

I'm-I'm sorry that, uh...

When I see, uh...

You look like-- and this is a compliment.

I mean this as a compliment. And I-I really do.

You look like you've never said the word "dude" in your life.

And I love that.

I... that's what's wrong with this generation.

They say "dude" too much.

My name is fucking Zach.

Yeah, Zach was pretty good, and then he went off on a tangent

about "dude" that sucked!

Uh, well, I apologize, sir.

What is your name?

-Carl. -Carl. Uh...

I'm sorry that, uh, it's probably not the...

the... the...

what you expected, it's, uh...

You know, you got this fuckin' skateboarder back here

running his mouth.

Take advice from a 14-year-old.

Yeah, you should come see this next guy

after seeing Mort Sahl.

Jesus Christ.

If you love Mort Sahl and his political humor,

you're gonna love the "who ate all the pussy?" jokes

coming from Zatch Gaspifianaski.

That linkage is the worst.

If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love

the Insane Clown Posse.

Love them!

They're exactly...

Well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.

But I want everything to be entertaining for everybody.

I don't like to...

you know, I'm not one of these, like...

"Fuck you, old man."

It was such an insult, and it was not supposed to be.

I'm getting older, goddamn it.

I'm getting fatter, too.

You know you're getting fatter

when your socks don't fit anymore.

Getting fatter really sucks,

'cause I'm extremely claustrophobic.

I hate elevators.

Oh.

- Oh, sorry. - Oh, it's okay.

You know, you're really scared.

-What floor? -Basement. Basement.

-Basement? Okay. -You're sweating. -Thank you.

I got to get out.

I'm getting claustrophobic.

-I'll meet you down there. -Oh...

-I'll meet you guys down. -Okay.

The woman thinks it's her, that I got out because of her.

-What happens? -I just, uh,

get this rush over me,

and, uh, I can't deal with it.

Plus, it doesn't help having Joe in the elevator.

What is... what is the rush? Explain it.

It's this: You're never gonna get out of this.

You're never gonna get out of this small box

for the rest of your life.

And you're gonna whittle away.

And...

let's face it, Joe's gonna get hungry.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I wish I had the balls to do that for an hour.

Yeah, we went and saw Zach.

It was... it was good at first, and then, uh...

I don't know, he's fuckin' losing his mind.

♪ ♪

You know what I found watching footage of you?

That mental illness is a theme with you.

-Yeah, it is. -Are you...

Am I going crazy?

Are you... do you think...

does that come from a thing

that's actually happening with you?

No. My brother just always has said

that I was gonna be in a mental institution

by the time I was...

And he, like, jokes about it, like...

And it's funny... it's funny.

But you know, I think the human psyche's so fragile

a lot of times.

Can you really trust your mind?

Can you really trust your mind?

Let's talk about Zach's...

um, technique

-on stage. -Is that what you call it?

You call it something else?

I don't have... I don't have... necessarily have a word for it.

It's a bit of a roller coaster, isn't it?

Because there are moments where Zach will stop,

and we're wondering if he is... gonna just walk away from it,

as if the whole show's stopping.

But he doesn't disappoint us, because he picks us

right back up and carries on.

What do you think of the style?

What do you think of the technique?

Well, first of all...

I-I see it, and I've seen it a few times,

and I'm thinking...

does he every get embarrassed?

Does he have any shame at all?

Does he not know...

that maybe people don't want to sit through this?

Is that an old joke?

Where did the camera go? Oh.

Um...

Can I get a sausage smoothie, please?

Can I get a gin and Capri Sun?

Uh, two diet Tequizas?

That's my, uh, that's my new character,

the guy that orders stupid things.

This is me at a restaurant

ordering, uh, wine, and we'll pretend this is the menu.

Uh, wha...

You know, you always have a microphone at a restaurant.

Um...

Sir, would you like something to drink?

Uh, yeah, what were they drinking in Sideways?

Let me update that, in case that's not topical.

Uh, yeah,

what were they drinking in Sideways 2?

Can he be serious?

The only time I saw him be serious

was when...

That's a buzz kill.

See, I can, like... like, that was a joke.

See, you get it? 'Cause it's a buzz saw, probably.

-Mm-hmm. -And I was, like, "That's... that's a buzz kill."

-Mm-hmm. -That's what my students say.

The guys that-that do football a lot, they're, like,

"That's a buzz kill,"

and I'm, like, "What's that mean?"

And they're, like, "Oh, it just means it's not good."

So that was a buzz kill.

I saw that movie, uh, Miss Congeniality 2.

It wasn't as good as I thought it was gonna be.

If you love Miss Congeniality 2,

you are gonna love The Corporation.

Are you guys getting this?

I'm fucking killing.

Are these cameras even on?

Now this is where my brother and I, um,

really... we really differ.

Mm-hmm.

He's more into... other people.

And I'm into these people.

Well, you're different in a lot of ways.

Different in a lot ways?

You and Zach are very different...

Yeah, we're... The only thing we have in common is

that we both like the Fugees.

The Fugees?

I mean, do you have a-a memory

of-of actually sharing anything with the Fugees,

or was that just...?

We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to.

Let's-Let's move on.

I... I'm sorry. What...?

I bought the Fugees CD.

Whenever that... whenever it...

Whenever it came out, I was... I was...

I had to pick Zach up...

...from the airport once, and I was, like,

"Zach, do you want to listen...

listen to this new rap group, the Fugees?"

He's, like, "Yeah, I..."

I didn't think he'd like it,

'cause he doesn't like anything.

What did he say to you?

What did Zach say to you?

He-He loved it.

He liked it?

He loved it.

Would you say that was one of the few things

that you ever shared in common then?

At that moment you knew that, that...?

It was the first thing in a long time

that he and I have ever, like, agreed on.

It was a moment that I wish had lasted forever,

but it only lasted to the end of the song.

He didn't like the other ones.

So we only really...

The only thing that we've really bonded on so far...

...the last few years is that one Fugees song.

I don't even know the name of it.

I like all their songs.

Is there something funny?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Uh, William, was it?

Yeah.

What-What is it that you do for a living?

Um, I work on the Sims II.

It's a video game.

What?

I got bored when you went, "Uh."

So fucking boring, this guy.

That's my new character.

The guy that gets bored automatically.

"What do you do for...?"

"Oh, I, well..."

"Oh, bull! Who gives a shit?!"

No one fucking cares, William. Billy.

No one likes you.

No one!

Uh, Sims-- oh, that's the-the video game, right?

Always to emphasize my boredom,

I always put a microphone next to my mouth.

What the blind...?

What the fuck are you doing?

This is personal, between William and I.

How's my gut look?

I'm serious. This is a very bad position.

Oh, God, I've gotten fat.

And I don't mean P-H-A-T phat.

I mean, F-F-F-A-T-T-T fat.

Car horn fat.

William?

Yes, Zach?

Uh, so, you're a... you're an operator

for that Sims game?

No. I do, uh, 3-D models for the game.

Uh, what does that... what does that mean in... really?

I mean...

Uh, well...

Fucking boring!

Seriously.

Goddamn it!

This is a DVD.

I need dinosaurs,

thunder.

Race wars, something.

Damn it!

I got to sell this motherfucker.

Is there anyone more exciting than William?

What's up with stuff?

I spoke to Zach,

and he told me he was here this summer.

It was the last visit he had.

And he told me about something that occurred up to a point.

He said there was a dispute in the family.

What happened when he was here?

You know what? I-I...

What I'm getting ready to say, I'd rather not.

It seemed... I'd rather not do it.

Well, Zach and I talked about this.

And it seemed to me like he want...

he wanted me to ask-ask Seth.

Just ask Seth.

-Well, I... -Why won't you talk about it?

Because I do... I don't... I don't...

-What happened that day? -I don't want to be accusatory.

Do you do that thing...?

Do you ever do that thing where's there's like a...

a silhouette of the person, and then you make their voice

like a monster voice to disguise what... who they is?

Let's go back.

Are you comfortable? Are you comfortable now?

It isn't much... Do you want to put that...?

Are you gonna put that... uh, that monster voice...?

It's either a robot or a monster.

We can adjust...

I suppose we can adjust your voice,

or equalize it so that it doesn't sound...

Okay, let's... Then I'm ready to talk about it.

Okay. Um, I want...

Take me back to the night.

You're playing Pictionary, was it?

Um, where is Zach in all of this?

Mm-hmm.

Zach broke the law that day.

It's great to be on stage, guys, it really is. Um...

I'm, uh...

It's hot in here.

Again,

great shirt selection for the DVD.

I went... I went to the shirt place.

I was, like, "Do you have anything

to highlight my alcoholism?"

I look like a third-grader who swallowed a penguin.

That's the name of the DVD, by the way.

Actually, I was telling a guy. I would think it would be great

just to name the DVD after the...

Just call it whatever the new Coldplay album is.

"What's the name of it?"

"Oh, okay, that's what we'll name it."

But it's actually called The New Coldplay Album.

Can you guys kill the audience?

Just get rid of them.

I think it's better if I'm just alone.

I-I don't need a fucking...

I can... I'll just...

I'll... I will, uh...

We'll do my laughter at my own jokes.

Noam Chomksy.

Get a load of this guy.

Is what would be on the DVD.

That would be really cool, wouldn't it?

I'd like to do a few characters

that I've been working on for a long time.

Uh, this first character...

Sir, do you...?

Do you mind if I...?

This, uh, first character I've been working on...

I bought...

I-I stabbed myself in the eye with it.

Is anyone taking fucking notes?

The names of the DVDs, the editing thing.

The...

You know you suck

when the camera guys don't laugh at all.

There's got to be something

you may... you may laugh at, right?

Do you like racial humor?

Is there any...?

There's got to be something.

Um... I want to combine

the NAACP

with Mother's Against Drunk Driving.

It's called...

...Mother's Against the Advancement of Colored People.

Fucking nothing!

Oh, fine. Uh, is there camping on the beach?

- Yeah. - Is that okay...?

I can drive my van and stay in the van type of thing?

Yeah, if you don't get stuck in the sand.

Yeah, that's-that's what we were just discussing.

You get in soft sand, yes, sir, you could get stuck.

Gotcha.

Oh, not too bad.

Oh, shit. Here we go.

Oh, I better coast through here.

Whoo!

Whoo!

-Hello. -Hi, sir.

Uh, Ranger Kanin, California State Parks.

Reason why I pulled you over is,

uh, it's 15 miles per hour on the beach.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was 35.

Yeah, no, it's 15 miles per hour...

Okay. Should I go down here?

What was that?

My friend Johnny and I were coming

out of the convenience store,

and there was a guy in his truck there by himself.

He was in his truck by himself,

and John and I were walking

out of this convenience store.

And, uh, the guy rolls his window down, by himself,

and he leans out and he goes,

"Two pussies."

He's like, by himself, and we started laughing so hard,

and he got so pissed that we were laughing.

Two pussies.

So fucking... How-How brave of that young man to...

"Two pussies."

I wonder if there was, like,

a lot more of us coming out, like...

"18 pussies."

Like, I wonder what his high is.

Like, what his... The biggest he's gone.

All right, um, now I'd like to do a few characters

uh, um... that I have actually been working on,

not the stuff that you heard earlier.

That was terrible, but, um...

This first character that I've been working on for a while,

is called, uh... Carl, can I borrow your glasses?

I thought you'd ask me for the beer at first.

Thank you very much.

Carl, shut the fuck up.

I've-I've moved on.

I'm just...

completely joking. Jesus. Okay.

This first character is called "the pretentious illiterate."

Here we go. Pretentious illiterate.

Uh, I told you, I don't know how to read.

This next character is called "the forgetful vegan."

Here we go. Forgetful vegan.

Man, that sure was good pepperoni pi--

Oh, fuck!

This next character is called "the timid pimp,"

and he's on the phone with one of his hookers.

The timid pimp.

Hi, Amber?

H-Hi. It's Mark.

Yeah, I can hold.

This next character is called

"the five-year-old who complains about having a beard."

"The five-year-old who complains about having a beard."

I don't like having a beawd. It huwts!

My beawd huwts!

This next character is called "the effeminate gay-basher."

Ah, that's good enough.

I want to go back.

Take me back to the moment where you and Zach

hear the Fugees song.

Yeah?

Tell me more. Tell me what--

You know how they say, uh, you know, uh,

smell is your number one sensory memory?

Well, it wasn't just the Fugees song that...

sets me off. He's like...

"Your car-- your car smells like Funyuns."

And I'm like, "What? My dog?"

'Cause I named my dog Funyuns

'cause he likes to eat Funyuns all the time.

His name...

He's like, "I didn't know your dog's name was Funyuns."

-Uh-huh. -And I said,

"Yeah, I named my dog Funyuns 'cause he eats Funyuns

-all the time." -Mm-hmm?

He goes, "No, I was just talking about Funyuns."

So every time I feed my dog, I think of Zach.

That draws me in more than any Fugees song.

It's always Fugees and Funyuns.

I'm part of this great organization, um,

that I just want to talk about for a second,

and then I'll get back to the jokes.

What we do is we train homeless people

to become assistant managers at Banana Republic.

It's a great organization, except the name sucks.

It's called "Homeless Bananas."

Carl, give me a subject to riff on,

and let me see if I can do it.

Just, uh, something that's bugging you

or something you don't like, or...

Besides me. Um...

Something-- something along those lines

that gets on your nerves or you think is fodder for comedy.

Um, how about President Bush?

President Bush. Let's do that.

Here we go.

We have a president who said...

"The French don't have a word for entrepreneur."

President Bush. I hate him so ma... badly.

Let me take it again.

Pres...

President Bush.

I hate him so much

that I was shopping for bumper stickers,

and I found one--

an anti-Bush thing-- and I had to put it over

my "Single and lovin' it" bumper sticker.

But that's how much I hate Bush.

How many minutes do you want me to do on Bush?

Just, like... I can do, like 15.

A minute more.

A minute more? Okay. President Bush.

My, uh...

I come from a political family, actually.

I really do. Um...

My, um, uncle Nick

ran against Jesse Helms in North Carolina

in '72 and, uh...

It's true.

And, um...

my uncle was winning,

and then Jesse Helms came out with this slogan--

Nick Galifianakis was my uncle's name--

and Jesse Helms came out with a slogan that said, uh,

"Vote for Jesse. He's one of us."

Uh, meaning, he doesn't have a freaky, long last name.

And it turned the election,

and, uh, I hate... I hate the right.

I hate them with a passion.

Yeah.

They're in front of you.

You know, it looks like it's about

to fucking break apart at any second.

It's got too much oil in it.

It'll calm down in a second.

Come on, van.

Please?

Is it even turning over at this point?

I don't understand.

It's just temperamental.

I'm going to see if I can trade in

a couple of my jokes to get him to fix it.

Does he have a piano here?

♪ ♪

Growing up, I was the only straight guy

in an all-gay high school.

And the kids would taunt me and yell out things like,

"Hey, Zach. Where you going? To go get some pussy?"

I hate to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell out,

"I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.

Because it's worth a shitload of points.

I MapQuested my neighbor's house,

and it just said, "Stand up and turn around."

That show, The Amazing Race--

is that about white people?

At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

I think around seven, because they start thinking,

"I don't look like the Kiwanis Club."

Guys, you know when

you're giving your girlfriend oral pleasure,

and you look up and she's reading The Economist?

My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron

and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I think that sign in neighborhoods,

"Slow Children Playing" is so mean.

I went to my high school reunion not too long ago,

and, uh...

it was... it was... it was something else.

It, um...

Well, I was homeschooled.

So it was just me next to a bowl of punch

listening to Kool & the Gang.

And I couldn't believe how fat I'd gotten.

My brother has A.D.D., which is weird

because he drives a Ford Focus.

I told my brother that joke and he didn't laugh,

because he got distracted by a squirrel.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

I once put an Altoid in my asshole.

♪ ♪

And... Oh, that's it.

♪ ♪

I hate celebrities, all of them.

♪ ♪

I hate... I think that's the poison...

Carl, actually, that's the other poison in this country

besides the Bush administration, in my opinion...

is the celebrity.

I know the irony in saying that,

when there are five cameras on me.

But somebody has to get the message out.

'Cause who gives a fuck?!

Okay, I can't do that anymore.

Fuck most celebrities.

I almost got fuckin' Kangaroo Jack.

Almost.

Goddamn it!

If I'd got Kangaroo Jack,

I wouldn't be singin' to fuckin' bald Carl here!

That would have been my ticket out!

No! Instead I got to sit here and entertain you fucks!

I think you're pretty funny.

Well, these things happen sometimes.

What's it like...

to come up with stuff like that?

Great question.

-I get this a lot. -Uh-huh.

And if you weren't so fat, I would answer it.

William, not funny.

Yeah, William! Why are you laughing at me?

-Hey, fuck you! -Do you even know who the fuck I am, William?

-No, I don't. -Do you even know who the fuck I am?!

-Yes! Let it go! -So you'll just laugh at me

because he makes a fat joke?

Because you fuckin' love his shit?

You don't even know who the fuck I am, William!

So fuckin' shut up!

Let's go to Speck's!

Joe, that was really good facting.

So, tonight I thought as a little, uh...

if you'll just allow me to be a little self-indulgent,

um, I thought that what I would do...

is I would actually talk about my-my childhood.

And, uh, it's kind of a performance piece,

so, uh...

uh, just, uh, sit back and this is the end of the show.

Thank you very much for coming.

♪ ♪

♪ I believe the children are our future ♪

♪ Teach them well and let them lead the way ♪

♪ Show them all the beauty they possess inside ♪

♪ Give them a sense of pride ♪

♪ To make it easier ♪

♪ Let the children's laughter ♪

♪ Remind us how ♪

♪ We used to be ♪

♪ Everybody's searching for a hero ♪

♪ People need someone to look up to ♪

♪ I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs ♪

♪ A lonely place ♪

♪ To be ♪

♪ And so I learned ♪

♪ To depend on me ♪

♪ I decided ♪

♪ Long ago ♪

♪ Never to walk in anyone's shadow ♪

♪ And if I fail ♪

♪ If I succeed ♪

♪ At least I live as I believe ♪

♪ No matter what they take from me ♪

♪ They can't take away ♪

♪ My dignity ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ The greatest ♪

♪ Love of all ♪

♪ Is happening to me... ♪

♪ I found ♪

♪ The greatest ♪

♪ Love of all ♪

♪ Inside of me ♪

♪ The greatest ♪

♪ Love of all ♪

♪ Is easy to achieve ♪

♪ Learning to love ♪

♪ Yourself ♪

♪ Is the greatest ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Of all ♪

♪ And if by chance that special place ♪

♪ That you've been dreaming of ♪

♪ Leads you to a lonely place ♪

♪ Find your strength ♪

♪ In love. ♪

My name is Zach Galifianakis.

Thank you very much for coming out.

Seth, thank you for being so open with us...

and spending all your time with us this afternoon.

I think we have a better understanding

about your twin brother.

And I hope that you can sort of mend the fence a little bit.

-Maybe. Is that your hope? -Yeah. I hope so, too.

That's... my goal in all this.

Hopefully, he'll see the tape and the program, and he'll...

he'll want to come to his senses,

and I'll meet him halfway.

It doesn't look like it's gonna happen, does it?

I-I-I don't know.

I think that this kind of thing is, uh...

you know, maybe this is... he sees this as a reaching out.

You know?

Um... sometimes you got to reach around

and, you know, and tug at it.

♪ ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪