Original subtitles

Aw...

Ooh.

Disgusting... or wonderful?

Hey.

Morning, roomie.

So... tell me about last night.

What about it?

I heard a girl's voice coming from your bedroom.

Oh. Uh...Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.

Come on, stud. Shh!

Ooh, is she still here? Wow.

Somebody's really taking to the bachelor life.

Yeah.

Good morning, Joey.

You spent the night in his room?

Tell me she didn't sleep in your bed.

I slept on the floor. Don't worry.

Not everyone wants to kill their dad and marry mommy like you.

That was one drawing I did.

What are you doing here?

I realized Michael didn't have his white noise machine,

so I brought it over.

He can't sleep without his sounds of the jungle.

That's why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys.

Wait a minute.

If Joey didn't let you in, how did you get in last night?I let myself in.

You have a key?Yes, I made one for emergencies.

When you turned down that show, it was a very dark time for you.

Thought you might do something drastic.

I wasn't gonna kill myself.

Really? You didn't even think about it?

Mom, maybe you shouldn't have a key.

I mean, the whole reason for this move

was so that I could have some independence.

I'm not comfortable with you coming over whenever you want.

What if I have a girl over?Yeah, what if I have one?

We're trying to have a conversation.

Fine. If it's such a big deal,

you can have the stupid key back.

That was too easy. You have another one.

Good job, Nancy Drew.

Here.

How many more do you have?

We can do this all day.

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all alright y'all you wanna be alright ♪

♪ You gotta walk tall

♪ Everything's gonna be alright everything's gonna be alright ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all alright y'all you wanna be alright ♪

♪ You gotta walk tall

♪ I'm alright y'all alright y'all you wanna be alright ♪

♪ You gotta walk tall

Hey, Alex.

Hey. Look at you all dressed for work.

You know I played a lawyer once.

"I object." "No further questions."

"How can this be a jury of his peers when five of the jurors are androids?"

So, the movie's in the future?

No, no, this was, like, three years ago.

Oh, right.

Oh, my.

Say, I hate to bother you with this,

but my husband's out of town, and normally I would ask him,

but what do you think looks better with this? Hair down or hair up?

Definitely up. Yeah, your hair is nice, but I like it better back

so that I can see your face.

Oh...

Yeah, I played a husband once, too.

Okay, thanks. See ya.

Okay, right.

Oh, my God. Another one of these.

What?

A note from the super.

"No unsanctioned grills allowed.

Please remove your grill from the patio."

I can't believe this.

How am I supposed to make a hamburger?

Well, you could use a frying pan.

Oh, don't. Just-Just don't.

Does everybody get these notes?

Yeah, yeah, the super's kind of a hard-ass.

Oh. Do you get a lot of notes?Me? No.

But I don't do anything wrong. I'm kind of a good girl.

I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing.

Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.

Yeah. And maybe don't even do it then.

Okay. Okay.

Gina...

I haven't seen you in minutes.

Don't worry, I'm just about to leave.

I'm not gonna bother you.

[ yells]: Michael! Your snack is ready!

[ yells]: In a minute! I'm in the middle of something!

Well, hurry up, I gotta get going!

[ yells]: I'm so glad I moved out here!

Here's your snack, baby.

I gotta get back to the salon.

Ooh, an hour and a half under the hair dryer. I hope someone's not dead.

Can you believe her?

She's here all the time.

Yeah, well, she loves you.

Yeah, but it doesn't even feel like I moved out.

I thought living with you, we'd have this crazy, single life.

The two of us out, meeting girls.

I mean, I know how you are with women.You do?

Sure, it's the first memory I have of you.

We came this big family party.

All the girl cousins flocked to you.

I mean, I know nothing ever would have happened with them.

No, not even once, before I knew that was wrong.

I guess I just thought if I lived with you,

then I'd have a chance to learn a few things, you know?

Aw...What?

That's really sweet. You want to learn stuff from your uncle.

Well, yeah.

That's new for me, you know.

I've never been the one to teach someone something.

I was always the one who...

No, never learned anything either.

So, are you up to it?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You came to the right guy.

I have so much knowledge to give.

You don't really have a dad around

and I don't have any sons.

So, we can go to a bar tomorrow night.

Cool. I've never done that before.

I remember the first time I went out to a bar and hit on girls.

Were you my age?Close to it.

What, like 18?11.

[ high pitched voice]: Oh, I feel so lonely.

[ deep voice]: Well, hello, handsome.

Joey.

Hey, how was school?

Great.

How was... what you do?

For your information, I had a really big audition today.

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

I don't know. I got lost.

You got some more notes from the super.

Man, this guy will not leave me alone.

"Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard."

Yeah, they can, I did it.

"Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire."

Why not?

Uh, maybe because when it's wet, it's see-through.

Hey, how 'bout that?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill,

so I made you a list of places around that make good burgers,

and also a couple of my favorite restaurants. And there's your pee-pee.

This is great. Hey, thanks for doing this.

Say, Alex, have you met my nephew, Michael?

Not officially, no.

It's nice to meet you, Michael.Golly. Yeah.

Uh, hi. Wow.

That's... clammy.

Why don't save some of that magic for tonight?

Hey, you know any of these places?

Um...

This is weird.

What?

The handwriting on this list looks a lot

like the handwriting on the notes from the super. Check it out.

It's the same. You know what that means?

Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher!

Uh, or...

Uh... Alex is the super.

Or... Alex and the super have a secret...

No, no, you had it.Right.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me.

That sucks.

The same handwriting teacher.

[ chuckles]

"Uh, golly. Hi. Gee. Wow."

Okay.

God, it took you forever to get ready.

Just like an hour and a half.

Usually takes Mom, like, two hours.

That is because she is a woman.

Something which you are not.

Well, you look really nice.

I am also not a woman. We don't do that.

But thanks. Okay, come on, let's go.

Great, let me just make sure I've got everything.

I've got some money, I got my fake ID...

Ah...Yeah, these are cool.

Some guys at Cal Tech made these.

They're impossible to tell apart from the real thing.

But I did have fun with it. Check out the name.

Nils Bohr?The famous physicist. He developed the...

No, thanks. Nope.

Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher,

I feel like we should talk a little bit about your rap.

Now we have to take your greatest weakness,

your intelligence,

and turn that into a strength, okay?

Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?

Uh, I know physics.

No. Next.

Uh, I enjoy cubing.What's cubing?

That's when people share different strategies to solve Rubik's cubes.

[ buzzer sound] Next.

Also speed cubing...

[ buzzer sounds] Next.

Uh, I'm pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.

That's, like, stars?

Right.Yeah, okay.

Yeah, that could work.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

You take a girl outside,

you show her the stars, very romantic.

Maybe it gets a little chilly,

you slip your arm around her.

You're starting to feel like another teacher I had.

He got fired.Alright.

Are you ready?Yes.

Let's go. Alright.

[ knocking on door]

GINA: Hey, guys, it's me.

What are we going to do? She's going to want to come with us.

Pretend we're not here.

Hey.

Don't make me use my key.

Hey. Hey.

Look at you two all dressed up.

Where are we going?Uh... nowhere. Nowhere.

We're just hanging out. Just a quiet night at home, Ma.

Well, I know you're going out, Michael.

You got your shoulder pads on.

You're not a woman from the '80s.

So, what's going on?

Well, we were going to go to this bar down the street.

Sounds like fun. I'm in.

Uh... yeah, I don't know.

I'm not sure you should come, Mom.

We were maybe thinking of, you know...

talking to some girls.

Then you definitely want me there.

I happen to be a great wing man.

Remember when I hooked you up with Cousin Marie?

You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?

Come on, let's go.

This is gonna be fun, the three of us out together.

You know, I really think it might be better

for the two of us to do this alone.

Oh.

Okay. I understand.

No, well, just for tonight.

We can all do something tomorrow.

Yeah.

No, that's fine, really.

If you want it to be just the two of you,

then I think you should do that.

I feel terrible.

I know, I know.

You know, I forget how sensitive she can be.

And classy.

Alright, great. I'll give you a call.

And thatis how it's done.

Wow.

You got her number. That girl was gorgeous.

Yeah. Yeah, she lives in Long Beach. Where's that?

Uh, you take the 10 to the 405 to the 710.

Sorry, Betty, it's not to be.

So how do the girls from L.A. compare to the girls from New York?

It's a little early and I don't want to jinx it, but... they may be trashier.

Alright, The first thing you want to do

is find someone you're attracted to, right? You see anyone you like?

Well, the lady bartender's certainly attractive.

Oh, good eye. Good eye.

No chance.

No. Bartenders get hit on constantly,

so there's a very high level of difficulty.

You might want to start with that sorority girl over there

whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.

Ah, I don't think so.

She doesn't look very smart.

Oh, no. Maybe you won't co-author a book together.

That girl.

She looks, uh, interesting.

Great. Okay. Go talk to her.

Alright, here we go.

You put 'em back in?

Maybe someone here wants a woman from the '80s.

Oh, sorry, we got an anonymous call that you're underage.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

You got a call about me?

Well, the woman said to look for the handsome genius

accompanied by the Tony Danza-esq older gentleman.

Gina.I can't believe this.

Come on, let's go.

I was just about to score.

Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza?

Hey, good enough. Come on.

[ door opening]

Hey, guys.

Are all the girls you picked up coming separately?

I can't believe you.

You called the bar? Why?

Why? Because you shouldn't have been there.

I never drank alcohol before I was 21.

[ mocking laughter]

She's right. Yeah.

I just, I, uh, uh, I can't...

Never mind.

No, no, no, no, Michael. You're upset.

You tell your mother how you feel.

Okay. I wanted some time away from you,

and I don't think that's too much to ask.

You ruined my night, Mom,

and Joey's, and that's selfish.

Good, good. You're getting it out. What else? What else?

I hate that you made me take flute lessons.

Uh... Okay, we're going a little wide now.

Let's bring it back. Bring it back.

I just, I can't believe you couldn't give me one night on my own.

Look, I'm sorry,

but you have to understand,

you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.

Then you haven't had my monkey dream.

I was afraid you wouldn't want me to be a part of your life anymore

and it would just be the two of you going out

and having fun without me, and now that's what's happening.

Hey, Gina. Come on, now.

Why I can't come, too. Aren't I a fun mom?

Didn't I buy a case of beer on your 18th birthday, huh?

Yeah. Then you drank it yourself.

And heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.

Come on. Just give me a chance.

Let's try it one night. It-it'll be an experiment.

Like that thing you put in the fridge that Joey ate.

Delicious.

Okay, I guess we can try it.

Plus, I can help you with the women.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay?

I'm actually handling that, alright?

I'm kind of his teacher in that area.

Oh, that must be a pretty involved course.

How youdoing? How you doing? How youdoing?

Well, it worked on every one of yourfriends.

Hey.Hey.

I, uh, got another note from the super.

What an idiot.

Spelled "unacceptable" with two Cs.

That's how you spell "unacceptable."

Interesting that you'd know that.

So, how are you? Doing well?

Yeah, I'm fine.Really?

Just fine? You're not great or, say... super?

Alright, Joey, what's up?

I'll tell you what's up. Your game is over, okay?

You can't fool me. I know you're the super.

Or his handwriting teacher.

The super? Where did you even get that?

Okay, enough! If... If you don't admit

you're the super right now, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna break this chair!

Okay, alright, fine. I'm the super.

Ah-hah! Oh!

I'm really worked up right now.

Well, now you know. It's out in the open.

So why did you lie in the first place?!

I didn't lie. You never asked me directly,

and I just didn't volunteer the information.

Okay, the lawyer logic isn't gonna work with me, alright?

Or any other kind of logic, for that matter.

Look, I-I didn't tell you I was the super

because I thought we were getting along.

Okay? Well, it felt good

because everybody in this building

hates me and my stupid notes.

They... They call me the "notesy."

[ laughing]

It's not funny. And the crazy thing is, it's not even my job.

It's my husband's job, but he's away a lot

so I have to do it, and if I'm gonna do it,

I'm gonna do it well, so you're just gonna have to hate me like everybody else!

Hey.

I don't hate you.

You don't?

You should.

I-I mean, I leave these annoying notes

and I-I made you take away your grill.

Yeah, but...

Look, I don't know many people out here.

Okay? I mean, I got my family, but they're kinda nuts.

Okay? I could use someone normal,

and you show a lot of promise.

Really?

That's so nice.

I don't know what to say. I think I'm gonna cry.

You have got yourself some mood swings.

So, uh... we're good?

Yeah. Yeah, we're good.

You want to give me another note, don't you?

It's the last one, I promise.

But I didn't... Oh, yes, I did. Yeah.

This is gonna be great, Michael.

There are lots of cute girls here.

Ooh, except for her. What a tramp.

That's a mirror, Gina.

I am not talking about me.

Alright, Michael, first thing we gotta do

is pick out some good prospects.

Now, you're gonna want to play the numbers.

What do you mean?

Well, it's important to choose someone

at the same level of hotness as yourself.

You could go two points either way, but I-I wouldn't do

much more than that.

For example-- I'm a nine. Okay?

So, I can hit on a seven or a hypothetical 11.

Okay?

Another option for me is a four and a five.

Okay? Three threes.

And... and I wouldn't recommend this...

nine ones.

Okay, so, what number am I?

Six. Six.

Wow. Honest. Okay.

Why don't you start with that seven

right over there? She looks nice.

He doesn't even know what to say.

We covered that. Remember, Michael? Talk about the stars.

Oh, honey, if you're going to talk about the stars,

I'm going to have to downgrade you to a four.

You got a better idea?

Yes, I do.

Does this place have a mechanical bull?

Women really like to see how a man moves.

All like...

Mom. Sit down.

Alright, forget the stars, alright?

On to Plan B-- the accidental bump. Ready?

Oh, sorry, I... Oh, hi.

Don't listen to him.

It'll be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls.

What do you like? Big chest?

I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.

Okay, just... make sure you're nice to her.

Yeah, but not toonice.Compliment her.

Ignore her.

Compliment her, then ignore her.

Yeah.

Okay...

Make sure you ask her name.

And then call her a different name.

And make eye contact.

Yeah, but don't stare at her.

Want to seem interested.But completely bored.

Just be yourself.

No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.

Okay. Alright. I think I'd like you to leave.

What?Why?

It's just a lot of advice.

It's putting a lot of pressure on me

and I think I'll just do better if I'm by myself.

Oh. Okay.

Wow.

Okay, I guess we better go.

Damn it, that isme.

[ groans]

I can't believe Michael's still not home yet.

I know, it's taking a while.

Do you think that means he scored?

No.

I really wanted to help him

with this stuff, but it was hard.

Can I tell you a secret?

He's weird.

Can I tell youa secret?

I know.

He's just so different from us.

I mean, can you imagine having trouble with the opposite sex?

The only thing that ever slowed me down

was thatlittle bastard.

And he's, he's so... smart.

Where's he get thatfrom?

I don't know. I mean, it's like

like he's some alien sent from another planet to make me feel stupid.

Well, I'mhere now, okay?

So the dummies outnumber the aliens.

[ both laughing]

Just...

I feel bad, you know?

I'm his uncle.

I really want to help him with something.

If I can't help him with girls,

I don't know what else I got.

You arehelping him-- he's out on a Saturday night.

Normally he'd be at the library studying.

Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library, I am going to kill him.

Hey!

How'd it go?

I got a phone number...

from a solid five.

[ cheering]

Good for you.

Alright.

So, you gonna call her?

I think so.

Call her now.

No, no, no. Wait three days.

No, you want her to know you like her.No, play hard to get.

Take her to dinner and a movie.Bring her a slice and some porn.

Joey, that's disgusting.

Worked on all of yourfriends.

I don't know, Michael. I-I think this stars thing could work.

Okay, I-I'll give it a shot sometime.

Try it now.

Uh...Come on.

Okay.

Well, um...

That's the Perseus Cluster.Okay.

It's one of the most massive objects in the entire universe.

Kinda makes you feel small, doesn't it?

It does, Michael. Continue.

Well, it's, uh,

it's 320 million light-years away.

The universe is so vast and empty...

it makes me glad that we have each other.

What are you doing? I'm a nine!