All language subtitles for colin.from.accounts.s03e07

So, you got a fun day ahead?

Yeah, funerals are fun.

It's alright.

I mean, she was my grandma, but she was
also an arsehole.

Okay, well, I think I win, because we're
finally putting mum in the nursing home

today, which is just so, so sad.

I'm sorry, I wish I could help or be
there for you. I don't know.

At the risk of sounding unromantic or
whatever...

Where do you think we're at?

Because, you know, I feel like we're
dancing around it a bit and I don't want

to assume anything, but I'm really
enjoying hanging out with you again.

Yeah, so am I. I just... It's like I've
been waiting for the dust to settle a

bit or whatever that means.

What does that mean?

It's just such a big time for us both,
you know, and I just want to start it

right. I just want to get it right this
time.

Okay.

Life's long, you know.

No rushes there. Okay. On your right.

I just, um... Oh.

Oh! Oh.

Okay. I see.

Wow. Hey, David.

Hi.

So this is it then, huh?

You two.

You three.

Hello.

Hey. Not really what it looks like. Is
it? I mean, not what it looks like, I

guess. I can't do double negative.

She doesn't know you. You don't have
to... It is what it is, man.

But what is it?

We're friends. We are togetherly...
We're friendly together.

With a dog.

I thought you said you couldn't be
friends with exes.

What are you doing here?

Just crushing my BP.

BP? PP.

Personal bath.

No, in Sydney, though.

Oh, the trout farm's really popping off,
actually.

Yeah, a lot of fish.

in tassie all messed up with antibiotics
at the moment so people are searching

for clean fish and uh you're looking at
it that's awesome man yeah it is

actually thanks would have loved to have
done it with you though guess i'll be

the one that got away huh it's a fishing
reference fish yeah i got that yeah i

got that yeah that is a widely known
expression but by the same token you

know plenty more fishing to see not as
many as you think gordon

Not with the unsustainable fishing
practices out there today.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, I guess I'll see ya.

See ya.

See ya.

Nobody jogged that far.

Dad here yet?

Give me a little quiet moment.

He's grieving, darling.

Okay.

I kind of just assumed she'd live
forever.

It's a tricky relationship, the
mother-in-law. At the rate you're going,

you'll never have one.

She was your ex-mother-in-law. You
called her a pig in lipstick.

She's family, darling, and you have to
show up for family once they're dead.

Oh, God.

Sorry. I couldn't pay for parking.

None of the cards worked.

Why? It doesn't matter.

There she is.

I don't know what you're talking about,
Linnell. She looks fabulous.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, darling.

So, how's university?

I'm a doctor, Dad. Told you that. Oh,
yeah, yeah. No, that's what I tell

everybody. Wow, she's so grown up. One
of us had to be. Oh, insulting me at my

own mother's funeral.

Oh, she'd be so proud of you, the old
bitch.

Yeah, she wasn't much of a looker.

She'd have to tie a lamb chop around her
neck to get the dog to play with her.

How dare you?

I'm sorry.

Anyway, shall we, lady?

No, not exactly a full house, is it?
Then again, all her friends are dead

anyhow. Probably sitting with them all
in Hell's Food Court playing find-a

-bassy. You're a terrible little bit.

Hey.

Hey, Mum.

Hey. Made it all good for you?

The telly's here, controller's over
here, and it's got a cord too, which is

good. That means you'll never lose it.

And the chair's in the power posse.

See?

Looks great, Ed. Good job. It's a good
job.

Hello, boysy.

Fucking shithole. Not happy. There's no
way to do 75,000 a year.

Where's Kingo?

We rehomed him, Mum, remember?

Why?

Because it's a fucking great day, Mum.

There's no way you're going to make the
cut. You see any other low-key horses

around here? Hey, Mum, this is good
here. Look at this. You've got Scrabble

on Tuesdays.

You love Scrabble. And you've got Golden
Oldies Cinema Wednesdays. You get a free

chalk top. It's pretty good. Don't you
reckon?

It's hard to keep the vibe up in here.

Better than at my house, though. The
kids are fucking losing it.

What? Is Katie still not back?

She's gone fucking mental.

Have you seen the Facebook post?

Uh, no, no.

She's hacked my Facebook.

She's posted, I'm a shit dad and my dick
looks like an acorn.

I haven't posted anything in years and
all of a sudden I dropped that fucking

clanger. Right. So where is she?

Still shacked up with this netball guy.

Can't believe it. She hates netball.

Open the curtains, love. Yeah, yeah,
sorry, Mum.

They said Garden View. This is Bin View.
This is fucking bullshit. I'm going to

go and speak to someone. I'll be back,
Mum. I'm sure it's better from the bed.

I'm sure if you lie down... I'll involve
my...

OK, doesn't matter.

We'll sort it out.

How's Chelsea?

She's... We actually broke up, Mum.

Oh, Gordie.

Why?

Nobody's perfect.

I've actually been seeing a bit of
Ashley. Remember her?

She's the one who broke your heart,
though, Gordie. She did, yeah.

Do you still love her?

Why? I don't know. I don't know. I'm
still figuring it out.

I think I do, too.

What's that?

A cup of tea would be lovely.

Um... Hey, Mum, you'll be OK here, won't
you?

We'll wait and see what your father has
to say.

Yeah, OK.

Did you see?

Yeah, she was firm but fair.

Mostly firm.

It was quick with the wooden spoon, but
never left a mark, so hard to prove.

Yeah, but you know, you couldn't say
that she wasn't punctual. Yeah, and she

was a very well put together lady.
Always looked nice. So anyway, I think

that my dad, Stuart, her son, would like
to take it away. I'll take it from here.

Don't go anywhere, Ash. You know, my
dear old mum, she was famously not well

liked. It's true.

We had to tie a lamb chop around her
neck just to get the dog to play with

her.

You know, Mum would have hated a room
full of sad sacks at her send-off, so

let's take it up a notch a bit, shall
we?

Hit it.

I remember when I was a little girl, our
house caught on fire.

I'll never forget the look on my
father's face as he gathered me up in

his arms, raced through the burning
building, out onto the pavement.

And I stood there shivering in my
pyjamas and watched the whole world go

up in flames. And when it was over, I
said to myself, is that all there is to

a fire?

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is, my friend, then
let's keep dancing.

Let's break out the booth!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, Mum!

What have you done, Ash?

Who the fuck put her in those hideous
slacks?

Which room did that one have?

Good morning to you, too. That's
confidential. The family doesn't know

yet. Can I help you?

Yeah, I would like my mum dawnly crap to
be placed on a waiting list for

something a little bit better. We chose
garden view from the package and it's a

fucking, excuse me, bin view.

Bin view.

Yeah, and if you think we're going to
leave our mum in a room next to a

fucking, excuse me, rubbish dump, you've
got another thing coming.

There's a garden next to the bins which
is beautifully maintained.

You agreed to the accommodation when you
signed the contract.

Yeah, not happening. Listen, I've
spotted something much nicer. It's got a

bit of a mountain view. It's over on the
east wing. It's nice and close to the

tea station.

That's Mabel's room. She lives there.

How long's she got?

Excuse me?

Come on, Val.

You work here.

You roughly know how long each one of
them has. Oh, fucking no, thanks. Oh,

fucking here we go. Yeah, here we go.

Are you all right?

What are you doing here, huh? She's my
fucking mum. I'm fucking checking on

her. We have residency.

She's checking on her. She's checking on
the fucking inheritance. Oh, my bad.

It's fucking great.

Stop. Stop. She wants to be fucking
rich. I've done more for your mum than

you ever fucking have. Oh, have you?
Have you yet? I mean.

She was problematic, but my God, she
would have laughed at that. She had a

very dark sense of humour.

She probably would have.

Also, darling, you were incredible up
there. You still got it.

That review on the age was absolutely
wrong.

Oh, why would you bring that up now,
Linnell? Fuck that review!

Uh, where's Lee gone?

Oh, he's got his big photo shoot today.

Oh, not weird. Okay, um, I've got to go.

You're not coming till the week?

No, Mum. I have work. I'm not even sure
where you're going. She hated you.

She said you turned Dad gay.

Did not.

Actually, Derek Webber's in Grade 5
turned me gay.

Besides, he's bisexual, aren't you,
Stuart?

How much time are you in town for?

Oh, just a few days, love. I've got a
cruise to Vanuatu next week.

Three shows a night.

Actually, I've got a lot of new material
now that I'm an orphan.

Probably dig up one of those red curly
wigs.

Hey... Then he tells me that she's got a
new boyfriend, and apparently he's got a

very pretty button.

Honestly, if they had a child together,
it would just be a big bottom with eyes

on it.

Thank you.

Here you go, flesh.

Hey, thank you.

Oh, oi.

She's the one who's got the mountain
sweet, Mabel. She's been here for ages.

Any day, I reckon.

Do you, mate?

Is that what you reckon?

Yes, yes, I do, Catherine.

We're fine for a cuppa. Thanks so much.
You're not going to get your fucking

mother a cuppa tea?

There's another really nice one. It's
called Terrace View.

It's got a spa, full hoist situation,
but Pearl that's in it, it is a fiddle.

I don't know why she's here. Family must
be fucking sick of her.

Look at this. Look at this.

Oh, yeah, nice. Any opportunity to
remind her who to leave the money to?

Can you stop it, you two?

Who did dump Chelsea?

Yeah.

Gordon, you're so fucking broken.

Come on, Don.

Let's go find you some new mates. We
don't have to sit here and listen to

this shit.

Yeah, don't listen to her, Mum. She's
full of shit.

Suck a dick. Suck off.

Don't listen to her, mate. She's not
entirely wrong, mate. I am a bit broken.

As are you.

I don't think Mum and Dad had exactly
the healthiest marriage, you know what I

mean? Mate, it's not the people.

It's marriage.

Honestly, in this day and fucking age,
how are we still trying to flog monogamy

off as a thing?

I mean, haven't we evolved past this?

Obviously not, mate, because people are
meeting and falling in love and getting

married every fucking day.

And it looks quite nice.

Really? Yeah. Does it? Yeah. Do me and
Katie look nice, do we? No.

Because that's how it fucking ends up.

I know I give you shit, fleshlight, but
you played a smart innings, mate.

Just keep your nose clean. Stay out of
it. People change. Women change.

You okay?

Mate, what choice do we have?

She was going to set fire to the house
or flood it or, you know, have a fall.

Oh, I just fucking hate leaving her
here, mate.

I fucking suck it up, you cocksucker
pussy.

Oh, yeah, really nice.

Fucking acorn dick, bitch. No one's
going to want to fuck you. Dick cheese

isn't hot, mate. Don't trim your fucking
hooves for netball, cunt!

Alistair, what did you do?

Sorry. Excuse me?

Pearl, with the nice terrace room, she
died. What did you do?

I didn't do anything, you mad eunuch.
She was in great, Nick.

Well, she's not anymore.

Oh, that's really sad.

Hey, completely unrelated, natural
redhead?

What? I'm sorry, I've just been curious
all day. Oh, I'm serious.

Yes.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Spot on, don't you reckon?

Yeah. Really goes with the uniform.

Lovely. Brings the eyes out.

Val, let's talk terraces, yeah?

Thank you. Don't touch me.

Yeah? Dr Molden, you're 430's Charlie.

Okay. Have you checked your email?

No. You might want to have a look before
it comes in. It's from the oncologist.

Ah, bum.

Okay.

Thank you.

So that's it then?

Well, it is more advanced now, and so it
wouldn't be so much about treating the

cancer as it would just be extending
your time here.

No, no, no.

No, I'm done.

I'm cooked.

Right, so you don't want to...

Try any more treatment.

Well, since Emily died, I haven't really
felt like myself.

I think I'd better let it run its
course.

Go see Emily again.

Well, I'm really sorry, but it's not
happy news.

Please just reach out any time if you
need anything, OK?

I appreciate that.

OK, Charlie.

If I could go back to be your age with
Emily, I'd give you anything.

It's later than you think, isn't it?

I hope you find your girl again.

Me too.

And I hope she's how she was before she
put all that weight on.

No, you saw her.

She was massive.

Yeah, all right.

You're in great shape, though.

You go to the gym, do you?

Um... Pilates?

Sometimes.

See ya.

Well, how much is it? $120,000 a year.

Oh, Christ.

Okay, well, let's just get her in there
and we'll figure it out later.

Yeah, mate, I'm coming. Fucking hell.

Hi. Oh, Ashley, hey.

Hi, Elvis.

Hey.

It's unreal, yeah.

Oh, your phone does work.

Yeah, what's up? I've just sent you some
texts today.

Yeah, it didn't get back. Sorry.

I felt a bit like a stalker. No, no, I'm
sorry, Ashley. It was a really full-on

day with Mum and with Heavy, so...

Sorry. Do you have time to get a drink?

I actually can't. I'm sorry. I've got to
go to Brett's Bucks weird party thing.

Can you guess the theme?

So I can't. But are you all good?

Yes, I am.

Yeah? I'm good.

And this, like, doesn't feel like the
right moment for this, but maybe, see,

that is the point. Like, maybe there's
no right moment.

For? For us.

To start again.

I've just been thinking about our
conversation this morning and I am

ready.

I'm all in.

Yeah.

I know that's a lot.

But life isn't long. It's very short,
actually.

And so, yeah, I just, I'm ready.

say something now of course yeah your
turn that's beautiful ah yeah yes

yeah can we talk more about it tomorrow
though is that is it can we do is it

right oh god yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah i'm around yeah i'm

sorry are you okay i'm so good oh good
you're kidding come here come here yeah

All right.

Text me. Yeah, I will. And have fun.

How can I not?

You look great.

Feeling good, you know?

Come on.

I've got this going on.

A little bit of this.

You know?

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shit, is he okay? Well, he's having a
panic attack.

What do we do?

I'll help you. I'll help you. Just lie
him down. Lie down. Gordy, Gordy, just

on your knees. You're all right. Lie
down.

Gordy, are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing, Brady?

I laid a blanket here to calm you down.

Okay, Gordy. Yeah. Okay.

You ran away?

Yeah. You're okay?

Yeah. Huh?

Now come have some more batching with
you. Okay.

And celebrate love.

Okay. Okay? Okay.

Okay, hop up now. That's good. Hop up
now.

He'll get up by himself.

Will he, though? Yeah.

Come on. Pretty squashy. That was
amazing.

Yeah, cake. Oh, okay, that's good. I
mean, that was amazing.

Yeah.

Woo!

Okay.

And this one. Hey, mate, can you get off
your phone? Yeah, yeah, I will soon.

I've got to say goodnight.

Yeah, it's Gordon.

Okay,

panicky Pete.

What? No.

What happened?

Nothing, nothing bad happened. It's just
she just came in and she said that she's

all in now.

She came to your place of work to tell
you that she was all in and then she

left?

Yeah. That's crazy.

Not crazy. It was just, you know, it was
quite sweet.

Then why did you have a panic attack,
Gordie? It's been a bit of a big day,

Key, all right?

Can we talk about you, please?

Oh, yeah, I'd love that. Great. Okay. Go
on. Well, Andre and I are housemates who

have sex with other people.

You know, the marriage is so open, you
can hear the wind whistling through it.

But can I complain?

Yeah. No.

I'm getting more cocks than you can poke
a stick at.

And I've, you know, my three boys have
two relatively happy parents under the

one roof, and they're none the wiser.

And come graduation, we'll officially
call it quits.

Graduation? Mm-hmm. Of the youngest?

Mm-hmm.

That's a 10-year sentence.

So, were you standing in love then?

I think I was in it, and now I'm not.
Hey, marriage!

Hey, marriage!

Marriage! Let's drink!

Oh, yeah!

Come on, boy!

When I cry, he comes

to me.

But when I pretend to cry, he doesn't.
He knows.

Hi.

Hi, everybody. We were just about to
make a post.

Well, wait. So you actually kept this
dog?

What? Of course I did. My Killian.

Mummy, you're the same dog as me, but
able-bodied. And you called it Killian.

Don't go there, girlfriend.

I'll go first.

Okay. To my darling, dead, cunt, bitch,
pig of a mother, Noelene. I can't wait

to see how much the flatties work.

I'll go next.

To having my beautiful family all in one
room again.

My ex-husband, Flossie, who I will
always love.

My life partner, Lee.

And my truly incredible son, Killian.

My twin flame.

Me. Me.

To lovely policemen who let me come home
and who I truly believe understood what

I was trying to achieve and made the
whole thing as painless as possible.

Well, we really don't have to rehash the
days.

I had my photography project today.

Unity and nudity.

Of course there was some nudity. It was
just a simple misunderstanding.

Apparently we're too close to a
preschool or something, so a complaint

was made.

And certainly I've ended up on the
National Sex Offender Registry.

Sorry, what?

It sounds much worse than it is. And the
ankle brace is surprisingly lightweight.

Oh, anyway, blah, blah, nanny's date.
Your turn, Ashley.

Well, I mean, uh... Oh, for fuck's...
The battery's running low.

Put that in the hole. Oh, God.

Why do they make it so bloody short?

I pray continue.

Come on, come on.

Come on, darling.

Okay.

To being brave and having no regrets.

Oh, cryptic. Do tell.

It's nothing, right?

I just told Gordon how I feel today and
it feels really good and so, yeah, all

is 100% in his court.

Fantastic, Ashley. Oh, I love it.

Yeah. Well, where is he now? Get him to
come over.

Can't wait to meet the man inseminating
my daughter. Stop, Dad.

No, he's on a bus.

Oh, macho bullshit. Why aren't you
there?

Well, no, it's a whole thing. It's like
Elvis theme. They're all in... Stop it.

What? Stop it.

My show on the ship has an Elvis
segment.

I do a tribute to all the kings. I start
with Tutankhamen, then I finish on King

Charles.

I've got the whole look upstairs.

You simply must.

No, you must.

No, no, no, because I can do all the
temporary hemming.

Really? No, I shouldn't. I couldn't. Why
not? They're your friends too, darling.

You must.

Why am I looking at you for advice?

I don't know, but I liked it.

Because when my clone comes at me, I'm
going for his solar plexus, because

that's the weak spot. Is this?

Yes, but he would know that, so he'd
block me, so I'd come around to his

kidneys. Oh, kill me now.

Ladies, how's it going? Oh,
congratulations.

Why are you guys all dressed as Elvis?
It's so random.

It is random, and it's our boy, Bredy,
he's sort of his buck thing, and I don't

know, he misses a lot of Elvis.

She calls me the king.

There you go.

Our girl, Penny, here, she's getting
married.

Oh, yeah. One in three marriages ends in
divorce.

Not mine, so.

Roll the dice. Roll the dice. Are you
two together?

Yeah. Gross. No.

Don't say gross.

You are gross.

Defensive much?

Oh, 23 months.

Okay, I'm 31.

Oh, really? You look really good. I
would have said mid to late 20s. Oh, my

God. Oh, my God. She's done it.

What is this? What is this?

Let's do a proposal fail.

Fuck it off, cunt. Are you right?

What do you mean? They asked if you were
married. Yeah, I'm not, but I could be,

all right? End of story.

Yeah, well, not to her.

No, but it could be to her. She came
back to me, actually, today.

Oh, really? Okay. Yeah, she did,
actually, so not a fail. No offence,

babe, but she's really beautiful.

No offence, babe. She is, so I agree.

No, but she's not going to marry you.

You don't know. Fuck this shit, man.

I might get married to her, and if we
do, it'll be stronger than ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Better than whatever
you've got going when your Sydney

boyfriend wanker fucking decks you,
fucking slim, fit, chino, electric bike.

I don't know what they're doing, but
they're probably not wearing socks, are

they? Your boy's not wearing socks
anymore. Tequila makes him a little bit

mental, bit mouthy. Hey, hey, I actually
kind of like it when he's mental.

The correct answer, that'll get you a
shot.

Thank you. Thanks, Daddy.

You're welcome, Mommy.

Voila. I love it. I love it.

See how the cape hides the bulldog
clips.

Is it silly? Is it too much? No,
darling, it's fabulous.

But hey, that would cost 4,000 bucks, so
just be careful with it.

Brett just told me where they are. He
doesn't mind. Go get your man, Asher.

Oh, mummy.

Oh, mummy.

You can't tell me what to do anymore,
no, mummy.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, there it is.

Bye. Have fun. Thank you.

I can think of young a day when living
for

my own was everything a man could

want to do.

I could never be two more.

How can you stop the rain?

Oh my God!