Original subtitles

[Ted Narrating] Kids, when Aunt Lily went into labor,

Marshall was somewhere slightly inconvenient...

in Atlantic City with Uncle Barney...

and drunk to the point of talking like Yoda.

[Slurring] Baby come. Papa gonna be am I.

Hospital must we get now.

There's, like, a four-hour wait at the valet stand.

Plus, we're in no shape to drive, so a car's out.

Wait. Don't worry.

We'll take a cab to the train station.

[Man] Yeah, good luck getting a cab.

It's impossible 'cause of the big thing.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, for the life of me,

I can't remember what the big thing was in Atlantic City that weekend.

Was it a cheerleading convention?

[Girls] Go!

No, it was a porn convention.

Sci-fi convention?

Eh, I can't remember.

What...

We're stuck in Atlantic City. City of Atlantic stuck in are we.

** [Upbeat Pop]

** [Man Vocalizing]

** [Ends]

Okay. Lily, it's gonna be fine.

We are not freaking out.

We are not freaking out!

- I feel calmer already. - Let's get you to the hospital.

I can't go yet. I talked to Dr. Sonya.

They won't admit me...

until my contractions are four minutes apart.

If you don't make it in time,

I have got you covered.

When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy,

so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season.

Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal,

you stop even touching yourself.

Anyway, I had skinny arms, so I got up there elbow deep.

I lost a Swatch birthing Blackie.

Okay, stop it. I am not a farm animal.

[Bellowing]

Here we go. Easy, girl. Sugar cube?

[Groans] Okay.

Don't worry, Lil. Shh.

Some of us know what a woman actually needs at a time like this...

a kick-ass labor announcement e-mail.

** [Orchestra] [Ted] A man, a woman and their best friend...

embark on an incredible journey.

Lily's cervix is dilating,

and we want you all to be part of its grand opening.

You are not sending that to anyone, ever.

What I need right now is distraction from the pain.

Just... Tell me a story.

What story? I don't care. Anything.

How about "The Worst Cab Ride Ever"?

Clean your window for you? No!

Hey! Get off my cab!

[Grunts]

[Blows Landing] Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! Oh!

[Both Yelping]

[Tires Squealing] [Screaming]

[Screaming]

We're not panicking. We are not panicking!

Get on all fours. It widens your hindquarters.

Stop it. I am not a farm animal.

- But give me that sugar cube. - Oh. Yes.

Okay. Listen.

I am gonna get you to that hospital or die trying.

And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return.

You can't have sex with Lily.

I ask only a second thing in return.

We're not naming our child Barney.

I ask only a third thing in return.

Let me choose your child's middle name,

because I have thought of the most awesome name of all time.

What's the middle name?

Waitforit.

I'm waiting.

Waitforit.

I said I'm waiting.

- Waitforit. - What's the middle name?

No, the middle name is Waitforit.

Let's say his first name is, I don't know, Barney.

He'd be Barney Waitforit Eriksen.

How awesome is that?

That is...

the coolest middle name of all time.

I know. Okay. Listen.

I have a plan to get us to New York.

All we have to do is get our hands on that motorcycle,

and I know just the way to do it.

[Electronic Beeping]

[Both Sigh]

- [Cell Phone Rings] - [Robin] Here.

Oh. Hi, Judy.

Oh, good.

You got the e-mail from Ted.

No, I am not worried my city hips are too narrow...

and your grandson's gonna get stuck.

I gotta go.

I thought you deleted that stupid e-mail.

Okay. I sent it by accident.

- She like it? - Yes.

Just keep telling me stories.

Okay. Okay, I got one for you.

"Second Base with Neil Young."

Um... [Chuckling]

I don't normally go to second base and tell,

but I just spent a magical night with Neil Young.

[Whispers] He's still in my room.

Serious? Oh, my God.

Be cool, guys. Don't scare him off.

[Clears Throat] Hey. Hey.

- Robin. - Yeah?

That's not Neil Young.

Oh, God.

- [Laughing] - We're bustin' apple bags? I can bust apple bags.

Ted, remember when we were dating...

and we threw that party and one of those appetizers just didn't sit right?

Uh, it doesn't sound familiar.

I call this story "Ted and the Cuban Sandwich Crisis."

[Toilet Flushes]

[Robin] Ted came out of that bathroom...

looking like Joe Frazier after the Thrilla in Manila.

Oh, what is that smell?

Oh!

So I, being a great girlfriend...

[Cell Phone Chimes] tried to help him out.

[Scoffs] You guys are all crazy. I don't smell anything.

Anyway, who wants to go up on the roof? But then...

She who denied it supplied it.

Yeah. Must've been that Cuban sandwich, huh, babe?

[Cackling]

- That was not cool, Ted. - Contraction!

That wasn't cool, Ted?

Just keep going with the stories.

I don't even care if I've heard it before.

Just tell me, uh, "Where Does that Door Go?"

Okay.

Hey. I've never noticed that door before.

I wonder where it goes.

Ted. Ted.

[Barney] No, no, no. Let him... Let him...

[Chattering]

Wow.

[Door Closes]

Don't...

What... But...

Oh. Wow.

- [Cell Phone Rings] - Dad. Oh, good.

Let me guess. You got Ted's e-mail.

- I'm on my way, princess. - Dad, wait. No...

Damn it, Ted.

I was okay with you e-mailing my aunt...

and my cousins and your cousins...

and the guy that Robin thought was Neil Young.

But my father is the absolute worst person to have around...

in any sort of medical situation.

[Lily] When I was seven, I needed to have my tonsils out.

Daddy, I'm scared. Oh, princess.

I would be too. I've researched this surgery.

Anything can happen. You could bleed to death.

You could have your jaw removed due to infection.

And the anesthesia could suddenly just stop working.

Much like your mom's and my marriage. [Laughs]

You do know that we're getting a div...

Don't worry about it. We'll talk about it after the surgery.

Calm down, girl.

Okay. For the last time, I am not a...

Actually, keep going.

Okay. I admit the whole "win the motorcycle" plan was stupid.

Especially because we've been playing on the wrong machine.

New plan! Meet me at the entrance in five minutes.

[Engine Revving]

Hop on, Marshall. Tonight, we ride!

You won that?

Not exactly.

You see, I... [Muttering]

[Shouting]

[Gasping] I hope Marshall's close.

Cube me.

I'm on my way, Lily Pad.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, your Uncle Marshall has faced many challenges in his life.

But he still considers getting up these two steps when he was this drunk...

to be the hardest one of all.

Tell me a Marshall story. I miss him.

Got it. "The Tale of the Cursed Pants."

Hey, guys. Hey.

So, I'm starting to worry about these pants.

Starting to?

Ever since I got 'em, terrible things have been happening to me.

I stubbed my toe. I missed my train.

You put on the pants.

The lady at the thrift store said, for years, no one so much as tried them on.

- Can you believe that? - Yes.

You know what this means?

These pants... are cursed.

What's this in the pocket?

A clue.

[Ted Narrating] Marshall had the writing translated.

It led him deep into the heart of Chinatown.

[Bell Jingles]

[Gasps] It is you.

The one has arrived.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Dry cleaning... 21.50.

I remember that suit.

He looked like a little kid's imaginary friend.

- [Chuckles] - Where is he?

[Ted Narrating] Uncle Marshall knew he had only one chance of getting out of Atlantic City...

bribing a cab driver.

Machine that gives money.

[Laughs]

Now Marshall was pretty drunk,

but he swears the A.T.M. started to do this.

[Beeping]

Huh.

[Laughing]

[Male Electronic Voice] Stop hitting me.

Just for that, you are never getting home for the birth of your son.

Nooo!

'Sup, bro?

How did you... Uh... Security.

I'll explain.

[Groans]

Tell me why we shouldn't call the authorities right now.

Go ahead. Call 'em.

But first, can you show me the rule...

that says you can't drive a motorcycle on the casino floor?

[Chuckles]

It's not in here.

[Ted Narrating] And, kids, that sign is still there to this day.

When I came out, I ran into this guy.

Two seats just opened up on his bus to New York.

Barney, you're a genius.

Plus here's the best part.

This Quinn thing is probably done, so I'm basically single.

He said the bus is full of hot college seniors.

Okay. Maybe he didn't say "college."

Or "hot."

I miss Quinn.

[Groans] What is taking Marshall so long?

- Salt lick? - Just finish the door story.

Oh, wow.

I don't like this.

- [Screams] - Okay, okay.

That's four minutes. We're goin' to the hospital.

But Marshall's not here yet.

I can't go to the hospital without Marshall.

I'm on it. Lily, spread your legs. I'm gonna see if we can see the hooves...

Uh, the snout... Uh, the head.

Take me to the hospital now.

Okay. Come on. Come on.

Excuse me, sir. My wife is in labor,

and I really need to get to St. Marcus Hospital.

So where exactly in New York does this bus drop off?

Buffalo.

What do you mean I can't have an epidural?

You're too far along. Things are moving much faster than expected.

What... [Stammers]

Look. If your hands are tied medically,

just leave the epidural on the table and walk away.

Don't worry. The baby slide right out, huh?

Like whoosh! Like water slide.

[Screams]

Slightly painful water slide.

[Groans]

Tell me a story now!

Uh... Oh! Uh...

Remember the time Barney tried to pick up girls as the Terminator?

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Austrian Accent] Come with me if you want to bang.

Another. Oh.

"Ted and the Freakishly Long Arm Hair."

No, I disagree, because the filling...

It depends on what you're eating, right? If it's...

Uh, what the...

[All] Whoa.

[Groans]

"The Debunking of the Freakishly Long Arm Hair."

It's... It's just a thread.

I was jealous, okay?

Barney's getting all the attention today with his Terminator thing.

I can't believe I'm not getting laid in this thing.

Maybe I need to pick a different part of the movie.

[Ted Whimpering]

Tell me another story.

Hey, we never finished "Where Does that Door Go?"

Come on. Let's check it out.

You know, baby, they're gone. It's time for us to move on.

Lil. Lil.

Oh, my God.

[Screams]

Another story!

"The Time We Tested if Banana Peels Are Really Slippery."

- Ready? - There's no way that's really slippery.

Look.

Whoa!

Ow!

Uh, "The Halloween We Decided to Go as The Breakfast Club...

but Failed to Coordinate Our Costumes."

This is ridiculous.

Oh. Come on.

I mean, you live with me. Really?

Yeah, that was funny. Keep going.

[Stammering]

"The Time Barney Saved a Woman's Life."

- Ready? - There's no way that's really slippery.

Look.

Whoa!

[Spits]

[Screams]

"The Time Lily Went into Labor."

- That's now! - Sorry. I'm running out of stories.

Forget it. They're not working anymore.

Okay, Lily. I know this isn't how you imagined it,

but I want you to know that I am here for you and I am rock solid.

Oh, I can see its head.

Oh, thank God, Dr. Sonya.

You! Get that thing out of my delivery room!

Weak women disgust me.

All right. Lily, legs up.

We push now, yes?

I can't. Marshall's not here yet.

Lily, if you don't push,

I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!

[Screams]

Where the hell is Marshall?

I can't do this without Marshall.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for.

Other times, it sends Lily's dad.

[Groaning] Oh.

Remember the time you had your tonsils out?

Yeah. Yeah. You scared the crap out of me.

[Chuckles] Yes, I did, didn't I?

Oh, my.

But do you remember what happened next?

And don't worry, princess. If you permanently lose the ability to speak,

we'll give you a chalkboard.

You can hang it around your neck on a little string.

Nurse? I don't know who this strange man is.

Security! What...

I'm your daddy. What do you mean? I don't...

Hey, fellas. Come on.

I woke up in a Dumpster of medical waste,

and I couldn't have been prouder.

Because much like that Dumpster, you had a lot of guts.

And you've used that bravery every day of your life.

With or without Marshall, you're having this baby.

Thanks, Dad.

That story actually helped. Oh, good. I'm glad.

You know, few women have vaginal tearing severe enough...

to need surgical reconstruction... Security!

Oh, come on. That's not necessary.

Sweetheart, please... Fellas, come on.

Please, sir, all you have to do is take the next exit to Manhattan.

You'll be back on the road in 20 minutes.

I already told you. I'm not allowed to stop.

Sir, this man is having a baby tonight.

And instead of going to St. Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo.

And I've seen women from there. The city's aptly named.

Look. I'm a screw-up.

I had something special with this girl Quinn, and I ruined it.

But this guy, he's done everything right.

He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old.

There are only a few truly great people on this planet, and he is one of them.

He deserves to be at the birth of his son.

So, what do you say?

Unless there's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop.

So sit down, watch Cocoon 2 and shut up.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, buddy. I tried.

[Ted Narrating] And then something wonderful happened.

I'm having a heart attack.

I'm having a heart attack.

I'm having a heart attack,

and my doctor is at St. Marcus Hospital.

- [Man] So is mine. - Mine too.

And my son is head of Cardiology.

[All] We know.

Push!

I wish Marshall were here!

- I'm here, baby. - Marshall.

I don't know why I passed out.

I have delivered 12 perfectly healthy babies,

and one of them was even human.

Well, it's different when it's someone you love.

That head was coming out of your best friend.

Oh, stop. I'm feeling woozy again. Don't.

Salt lick?

In return for him getting me here,

I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be Waitforit.

I can't wait. What is the name?

The name is Waitforit.

[Screams]

That is the coolest middle name of all time!

Look, um...

I know things have been weird between us the last few months, but...

Marshall and Lily are having a baby.

Yeah.

And I want this baby to be born into a world where we're okay.

So, friends?

I love you, Robin.

Kidding. You...

Friends. You s...

Guys. Great news from down the hall.

One dollar... two bags of gummy bears.

It's like I don't even care what happens for the rest of the day.

I got... Hey.

Well, guys, uh... [Exhales]

I'm a dad. [Laughs] Oh, God!

[All Laughing, Exclaiming] That's great!

Oh, my God!

Everybody, this is Marvin.

Named him after my pop.

Tell them the full name.

Marvin Waitforit Eriksen.

That is the coolest middle name of all time. Totally.

[Man] * You were born into a strange world *

* Like a candle, you were meant to share the fire *

* I don't know where we come from *

* I don't know where we go *

* But my arms were made to hold you *

* So I will never let you go *

* 'Cause you were born to change this life *

* You were born ** ** [Fades]

[Exhales]

[All] Boo! [Screams]