Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Take me out to the ball game

♪ Take me out to the--

Oh, I'm telling you, Mark.

-Hi. -Hi, honey.

You guys play the way you did today at practice,

and you are a lock for the championships.

Wildcats will prevail.

-Yes! -Yeah.

Ooh, I just can't wait to go

to your championship game, sweetie pie.

Mom, there are no sweetie pies in basketball.

Well, that's what makes you so special.

Mwah.

-Frank, she's killing me. -Sit down. Uh, Carol--

So I wanna get to the game real early

because I wanna get a really great seat.

-Well, honey, Mark and I have been talking... -Mmm-hmm.

...and we thought maybe it would be best

if, just for the championship game,

if maybe you sat a little farther away from the court.

-Oh, like where? -Like here.

But I always go to Mark's games.

Yeah, and you always embarrass me.

How do I embarrass you?

By standing up in the middle of the game yelling,

"Don't worry, honey, you'll hit the basket next time.

"You're still my little MVP."

So you don't want me to go to your game

after I carried you for nine months

and gave birth in the hospital parking lot

in the snow?

Frank, she's got me backed in the birth canal.

Do something.

Uh, listen.

Carol, you're a wonderful mother,

and we both love you,

but if you set one foot in the gym,

I'll have security take you out.

But I made a cake for the whole team.

It's in the shape of a basketball.

It says, "Good luck, dribble bunnies."

The kitty's here.

The kitty's gone!

The kitty's here!

Kitty's gone.

God, I have no life.

Ugh, what a night.

I have never been so moved.

So, Rich, you look spiffy. How was the opera?

Oh, it was great. Fantabulous.

I am a true opera head.

[MOUTHING]

Well, if you thought the opera was fun,

wait till next week,

because we are going to the ballet.

Oh, we're going to the ballet.

Mmm-hmm.

10 bucks says it's The Nutcracker.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Nothing. I think you guys make a beautiful couple.

A strong woman and a doormat.

Hey. I'm not a doormat.

I got plenty of say in this relationship.

Don't I?

-Of course you do. -Of course I do.

Oh, man. This is pathetic.

Since you started going out with Barky,

it's like you've been neutered.

I can't remember the last time

we went out on a Saturday night and did guy stuff.

I could go out with you Saturday night and do guy stuff if I wanted to.

Couldn't I, sweetie?

Don't ask her. Are you a man, or aren't you?

Of course I'm a man!

[LAUGHS]

So what are you saying?

So you'd rather spend Saturday night with Jughead than with me?

[GROWLS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

[GROWLS] Yes, yes!

As a matter of fact, I would.

Saturday night, me and my buddy

are gonna go out and do some guy stuff.

-Yeah. -Yes.

-Man stuff! -Yeah.

Another thing. Woman, I'm hungry.

Why don't you go in that kitchen and make me a sandwich?

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Rich, I'll tell you what.

You wait here.

When you see a pig come flying through the room,

I'll be back with your sandwich.

Guess I told her, huh?

-Yeah. -Yeah!

[BOTH GROWLING]

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

This is what happened to Delta Burke.

Carol, I have the super-fantastic news.

I was at the salon, doing my...

Uh-oh.

Oh, baby.

I was at the salon

doing my 21st Jennifer Aniston haircut of the day

when it suddenly hit me.

I don't like this woman's hair.

You know, there's a big "C" shape over here,

and another one over here.

It looks like two Pac-Men are gonna meet in the middle

and eat Jennifer's face.

Suddenly it come to me.

I have the solution for your little problem with Mark.

It's not a little problem.

I have been banned from my son's basketball game.

My son!

My own flesh and blood that I carried for nine months

and gave birth in the hospital parking lot...

BOTH: In the snow.

What? Have I told you about that before?

Repeatedly. Now listen to me, Miss Piggy.

You got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

-Guess what? -What?

You are going to Mark's game,

but you are not going to Mark's game.

What are you talking about?

Don't ask me any questions. Just take your clothes off.

What?

[COUGHS]

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

CAROL: Okay, I'm ready!

Uh, wait, wait. Uh, no.

Don't, uh, come yet.

I want to pretend that I don't know who you are,

that I never see you before in my life.

I don't even know where I am.

I just want to clear my head.

I want to...

I want to empty my mind.

[HAIR DRYER WHIRRING]

Okay.

Entrez.

So what do you think?

Well, uh, I think that, uh...

You look like a...

You look like a woman dressed as a man.

I don't...

Well, then, fix it. Make me look like a real man.

Ma chérie, that would require numerous injections

and a trip to Sweden.

Well, this is gonna have to do,

because Mark's game is in five minutes.

Uh, no, no, no. Carol, Carol.

-What? -Carol, look, look.

I know this was my idea, okay?

But, uh, now that I see it,

I really hate it.

I can't let you go to the game looking like this.

Well, I don't care.

This is my son's championship ball game.

I'm not gonna miss it. I don't care what you think.

Wait, Carol, please, please just, uh...

Oh, for the love of Saint Michel,

don't open your mouth.

Don't say nothing or you will really be discovered.

Will you trust me?

No one will find out that I'm a woman.

Okay.

[COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

She's a dead man.

[MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

FRANK: Let's go. Come on.

Well, this is great, Frank.

Yeah, I think we're wiping up the floor with these boys.

No, I wasn't talking about that.

I'm just glad we left mom and her big mouth back home.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

FRANK: Okay. Here we go.

[SNIFFS]

Frank, was that guy wearing perfume?

Yeah, you put on a free game,

all kinds of weirdos show up.

Okay, Wildcats, we got these losers on the ropes!

Now bury their wimpy little butts.

Good game, huh?

[GRUNTS]

Okay, Mark, go in for Billy. Go!

You're putting in Mark Foster, the wussy boy?

Get real!

I can get up the floor faster than that little twerp,

and I got a steel rod in my hip.

Hey.

Sorry, got a nervous twitch.

Ah, no problem. Got one myself.

Took a bullet in 'Nam.

[CRACKS]

FRANK: Okay, that's good, Mark.

Now, good D. Here we go. Hey, all right!

What is this? Trucker night at the ball game?

Bonsoir,good buddy.

Jean-Luc, what are you doing here?

I came here to keep you from exposing yourself.

-That come out wrong. -Yes.

Why are you dressed like this?

Well, I could not come as Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

If I was recognized,

then I would be trampled to death

by women who want me to clean up their split ends.

So I disguised myself as a typical American trucker.

Except for the fact that my hair

has twice the shine, twice the body.

And the secret is protein.

That's traveling. Foster.

It's basketball, Foster, not a track meet,

you pencil-neck geek.

-Hey! -Carol.

Yeah, try dribbling the ball, you little mama's boy.

Hey, that's my kid you're talking about!

Oh, no wonder he's a wimp.

His father talks like a girl.

You take back what you said about him.

-Take it back! Take it back! -Carol, Carol, we're going to leave now.

You know, you heard me. You heard me.

He's a little weenie.

Why don't you take him home and put him in his Girl Scout uniform

so we can get some real men out here, huh?

All right, all right, bullet head.

-No! Carol! -Come on! You're going down.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[GRUNTS]

Good God, it's one of them cross-dressing freaks from Milwaukee.

-Okay. -Stop it. Stop it.

-Carol! Carol, stop it! -[BLOWS WHISTLE]

-Time out! -[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Hey, man, we got some trailer trash fighting in the stands.

-Help me break this up. -Yeah, okay.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

All right, you bozos. You're out of here.

This pervert and her boyfriend started it.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a big-mouth bass.

-Carol? -Oh, hi, uh, Frank.

Mom?

Hi, sweetie pie.

No doubt about it. I'm looking at therapy.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Rich, en garde.

[EXCLAIMING]

Aw, man. Isn't this great?

This is great.

A couple guys hanging around, doing guy stuff, huh?

You know, I'm starting to miss the opera.

I'm gonna call Dana.

Oh, no, you don't. That'd be giving up, okay?

You might as well mail her your manhood in a paper bag.

A small paper bag.

Dana, it'll be fun. You'll see.

Guys, I don't like parties that much, okay?

I would just rather be home, reading a book.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dana, I'm not gonna let you sit home alone

while Rich is out having a good time.

I mean, that'd be like giving him all the power in the relationship.

Oh, God. What's Barky doing here?

Dana's here? Dana's here! Oh, my God.

I can't let her see me standing here alone.

She'll think I'm a loser like you.

Uh, you, dance with me.

[LAUGHS] Get real.

Fine. If you dance with me, I'll give you five bucks, huh?

Ten bucks. And a pizza.

And no touching.

You got it. Deal.

Let's...

Uh-oh.

Uh, look who's here.

[GASPS]

That no-good, two-timing pig dog.

He's dancing with another woman.

And not very well.

[GASPS]

He said he wanted to go out with JT and do guy things.

Well, he's cheating on you. That is a guy thing.

Yeah?

Well, revenge is a girl thing.

You, dance with me.

Sure. Nice to meet you. My name's--

Shut up. No names. Just dance.

[GROANS]

Hey!

Oh, hello, Rich.

Good to see you're having a happy guy night

with your guy friend Jessica Rabbit.

Well, you're not exactly home watching Murphy Brown now, are you?

-Hi. My name's-- -Nobody cares.

You lied to me.

You said you wanted to hang out with JT,

and here you are picking up on some cheap bimbo.

No, I'm not cheap.

I'm getting ten bucks and a pizza for this.

Beat it, Barbie.

Hey, that's not a nice thing to call her.

Oh, no, no, it's really okay.

My name really is Barbie.

No way. My name's Ken.

Ken and Barbie?

-Yeah. -That's fate.

You know, I really do drive a pink Corvette.

So, this is your idea of a guy night?

Hmm? Cruising for other women?

Well, you seem to be having a pretty good time

with Mr. Boy Toy over there.

I can dance with whoever I want to.

You don't own me.

-Oh, is that right? -Yeah, that's right.

You know what you are? You're a control freak.

Take that back.

See? There you go again.

Always ordering me around.

Everything always has to be your way, doesn't it?

You pick the movie. You pick the restaurant.

You even tell me what to order for dessert.

You're like some bizarre cross between Adolf Hitler and Martha Stewart.

How dare you compare me to Martha Stewart?

Take it back.

Take it back or I'll...

I will smash this cake right in your face.

Dana, you don't have the...

Okay.

Well, I certainly hope

that you like wearing pastry.

You're not man enough to do it.

[GASPS]

Big mistake.

Uh, now...

Now, wait a second.

You are gonna pay for that.

[SPRAYING]

Okay, wait a second. Wait a second.

I've seen enough. I let it go too far.

You guys are acting like morons.

You know what, JT?

There were no problems in our relationship

until you stuck your big nose in.

Hey, you know, Dana's right.

We were doing just fine until you got into it.

I was just trying to help.

Your relationship is sick and demented,

and I thought I needed to point that out.

You should thank me.

You know, Dana, he's right.

We should thank him.

Yes, you should.

Here you go, JT.

[CROWD EXCLAIMING]

From now on, butt out.

Man, try to help some people...

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Would you look at those two?

They're disgusting.

[CHIP CRUNCHING]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, Dana.

I said some things I didn't mean.

I guess I just got crazy when I saw you with that guy.

I was only dancing with him

'cause I couldn't stand seeing you dance with that girl.

But I guess you wouldn't have even been at this party in the first place

if I wasn't always dragging you to the ballet

and dragging you to the opera, and...

Well, it would be nice to have a little say once in a while.

Okay, so what do you wanna do next weekend?

One word.

WrestleMania.

It's like ballet,

but there's big fat guys dancing in their underwear.

What else you got?

I don't know.

There's gotta be something we both like.

I like cake.

I like cake too.

Oh, you got some on your nose.

Mmm.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GLOOMY MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, do you mind if I talk to Mark alone?

Oh, no. I don't wanna be anywhere near this conversation.

[EXHALES] Ah, Mark.

Look, I know I embarrassed you.

It's just that when you told me that, you know,

you didn't want me to come to your game,

I felt shut out of your life,

and I'm not ready for it.

Mom, I'm 15 years old.

It's not healthy for you

to be hanging around me all the time,

calling me baby names.

You're gonna have to let me grow up.

I know. I know. You're right.

I have to give you some space. It's just...

Isn't there any way I can fit into your life any more?

Okay, you can come to my games under the following conditions.

CAROL: Okay.

Number one, you will not call me sweetie pie,

pumpkin, muffin, or any other food item.

Deal.

Number two, please wear clothes

that come from your side of the closet only.

Fine.

And number three.

You will never, ever, under any circumstances,

sew my name into my jockstrap again.

But what if they get mixed up with--

Mom.

Right. I'm sorry. Promise.

No one should ever be embarrassed by their family.

Hey, guys.

So how was the game?

Uh, Brendan,

is there something that you would like to tell us?

Oh. You mean the tutu.

Lilly made me play ballerina with her.

LILLY: Hey, Brendan.

Come on, Brendan. It's your turn to be the Sugar Plum Fairy.

You know, uh, maybe it's time

Frank take all the guys in the house

out for a little fishing trip, you know?