Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, J.T., hey.

I gotta tell you something.

Your father is a genius.

Really? I thought you were my father.

Next week is Carol's birthday,

and I have found the perfect gift.

Let me take you through the entire

Frank Lambert thought process.

Okie dokie.

Now, I've been researching this for a month.

This was my first choice.

Hmm, cashmere sweater. Very classy.

It's garbage.

Anybody can get her that.

It's way too impersonal.

Mmm, jewelry. It's always a winner.

[MIMICS BUZZER] Wrong.

Carol's got way too much jewelry.

So what'd you get her?

Check this out. Come here.

Got her the deluxe emergency road safety kit.

So look at it.

I mean, it's got your jumper cables.

It's got flares. It's got a first-aid kit.

It's got a three-day supply

of dehydrated food.

I mean, come on. What do you think here?

I think you are going down, Dad.

Dad, this is the most wholly unromantic gift

in the history of birthdays.

Unromantic?

Son, do you know what women really want?

A hot, young stud like me?

No.

They want security.

This gift oozes security.

This gift says, "I love you.

"And I want you to be safe under all road conditions."

Dad, this gift says, "I got my wife's birthday gift

"from Manny, Moe, and Jack."

Hey, Dana.

Little brother, you are looking at a woman

who has found a sure way to earn $3,000.

Oh, yeah? Posing for that "Girls of the Cheese State" calendar?

No, you pervert.

College is holding a contest

to develop community recycling projects.

First prize is a year's tuition, and I'm gonna win it.

What makes you so sure?

My project partner is the biggest science geek on the campus,

Doug Steckler.

Doug Steckler?

Whoa. That guy has one massive brain.

I worship him.

Sweetness, did you hear about this recycling contest?

I signed us up as a team. Isn't that great?

Gee, I was gonna watch American Gladiators,

but this might be better.

Out.

Or I'll tell mom you watch Baywatchin your underwear.

Okay, okay. No, no. All right.

Kiss me, baby. I'm a genius.

Rich, um, about us being partners for the contest--

I know. Isn't it great?

The two of us, side by side.

You working on a brilliant idea,

me working on your neck...

I'm really serious about winning.

And I'm really serious about this spot here on your neck.

It's yummy. Mmm.

Rich, look. I already have another partner.

Another partner? Who?

Doug Steckler.

Doug "Pit Stain" Steckler?

The science weenie?

Why would you pick him instead of me?

Because he's smart.

I mean not that you're not smart.

It's just that, you know, Doug's smart, like, in an intelligent way,

and you're smart

in your own way.

I get it.

So I'm smart enough to be your little boy toy, but not your partner.

Is that it?

I was so afraid you wouldn't understand.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday Dear Carol

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ And many more... ♪

[ALL CLAPPING]

Make a wish, Mommy.

Okay. Oh, this is easy. Okay.

[BLOWING]

Whoa! Hey!

Carol.

My God, woman.

You have the lungs of a blowfish.

Yeah.

Open your gifts, Carol.

Here, Mom. This is from all of us kids.

Oh.

I think you're gonna be really surprised.

It's a cashmere sweater!

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God.

It is a cashmere sweater.

This is so classy.

Oh, thank you.

It was J.T.'s idea.

J.T.? You're kidding.

How did you know this is exactly what I wanted?

Well, I, uh...

I get these intuitions.

It's all part of the J.T. Lambert thought process.

I hope it's not too impersonal.

Impersonal?

It's cashmere, and it's my favorite color.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, I love you guys.

[KISSING]

Happy birthday.

Come here, sweetheart.

Oh, and all this time I thought The Brady Bunch

was just a crock.

Carol, a petite token of my great, great affection

and superb taste on your special day.

Aw, thank you.

Ooh.

Oh, gosh. [GASPS]

Oh, my word.

These are the most gorgeous earrings

I've ever seen in my life.

[GASPS]

Uh, honey, don't you have a pair of earrings kinda like that already?

Who cares?

A woman can never have too much jewelry.

These are gorgeous.

Carol, you showed me a picture

of these exact earrings in a magazine.

Yeah, but that must have been six months ago.

I can't believe you remembered.

You're my best friend. Of course I remember.

Oh. Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you. Oh, you are incredible.

Hey, Carol, you think you're excited now, huh?

Why don't you wait and see what Dad got you for your birthday?

Go ahead, Dad. Give her the gift.

This is gonna knock your socks off.

Ooh, I can't wait.

Well, I think that my gift to you

is one that should be opened in private.

And deny us the opportunity

to see the joy on Carol's face?

I won't have it.

Yeah, come on. I wanna open it now.

Yeah.

Well, okay. Brendan...

Here you go, Carol.

[GASPS]

Wow, it's really big.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy.

Well, whatever it is,

it's hidden inside this emergency road safety kit.

[LAUGHING]

Okay. Hmm.

Oh, look.

It's a road safety emergency kit.

Oh, gee, thanks, Frank.

This is just so

practical.

Isn't it, kids?

Uh, yeah. Great gift.

Very thoughtful.

Nicely wrapped, Frank.

This is a joke gift, right, Dad?

Well...

Well, honey, this probably isn't a great gift for your birthday.

No.

[STAMMERING] No, I love it.

Isn't it great, Jean-Luc?

I, uh, really, I...

I think, uh, that I need cake.

Who needs cake?

Now, Doug, we've got to think scientific but practical.

I mean, recycling that's accessible to the common man.

You know, I still think that my plan to run cars

on cow manure is a sure winner.

There they are.

Pinky and the Brain.

I just thought I'd drop by

and offer you my heartiest of best wishes.

Sorry. I have a, um, glandular condition.

I sweat a lot.

Bummer.

Listen, Dane, uh, I just wanna let you know

that there's no hard feelings

about you not choosing me to be your partner, okay?

Really? Really.

In fact, you know, I think I found a partner

who's a lot more suited to my needs.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's probably her now.

Her? Yes.

Uh, I asked her to, uh, pick me up here

so you could meet her.

Hi, Rich. You ready for me?

Oh, yes.

Come on in first.

Want you to meet a couple people.

Dana, I don't know if you remember. This is--

Barbie.

Yes, you were dancing with Rich at the fraternity party.

Wow, what a memory.

Yeah, well, some things are unforgettable.

Um, Rich, can I have a word with you for a minute?

I really don't think we have the time--

Make time.

RICH: Just...

You think you're cute, don't you?

Yeah. Pretty cute.

I can't believe that you would stoop to using some bimbo to get back at me.

Bimbo? Dana, I'm shocked.

A staunch feminist like yourself

assuming Barbie's a bimbo

simply because she's gorgeous, has a body to die for,

and a Kewpie-doll mouth men only dream about?

Oh, please.

She is nothing but a shallow, little party tramp.

Shallow?

Do you realize she has one of the world's

most extensive My Little Pony collections?

Fine.

You want Miss December as your partner, go ahead,

but don't come crying to me

when you're the laughingstock of the entire campus.

Um, Rich, we really ought to get going.

Ah, alas, Dana, I'd love to chat,

but duty calls.

Um, actually, my name's Barbie.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Come on, Barbie. Work with me here.

We need an idea that sizzles.

We're not that dumb.

Not really.

Not really what?

Barbie, this is really important to me, okay?

I need to prove to Dana

that I am not the fly-weight intellectual she thinks I am.

And you want me to help?

If you can.

Cool.

Okay. Let's think real hard, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Rich. Looks like there's a leak in your think tank.

It just so happens we're working.

Well, excuse us.

Doug and I have 500 pages of research

to start compiling.

Not since I calculated the perturbation of Mercury's orbit

have I known this sort of academic thrill.

There she is.

Barbie, what are you doing?

I'm thinking.

Well, stop it.

You'll be late for cheerleading practice.

Oh, I forgot. It went right out of my head.

Rich, could we think again later?

I've got cheerleading practice.

That's it! Cheerleaders!

They're the answer to the world's ecological problems.

We are? Yes!

Oh, cool.

Come on.

Dana, I am genius with a capital "J."

Carol. Yeah?

Honey, I, uh, I want to apologize.

For what?

Well, for getting you such an unromantic birthday gift.

Oh, Frank. You know, you gave me the gift with love.

That's all that's important to me.

Well, I just don't think it was a good enough gift

to prove to you how much I love you.

So I got you another present.

I don't want another present.

Well, you got one anyway. Come on. Take a look.

Frank. Come on. Come on.

Here we go.

Happy birthday.

A boat? Yeah.

You know, Jean-Luc is not the only one

who pays attention to what you say.

Do you remember about three years ago,

we were in bed, watching TV,

and we saw a red boat, and you said,

"Boy, that looks like fun."

Frank, I don't want a boat.

You want a Cadillac?

Or an RV? Or both? I'll buy you anything.

Frank. Frank. Honey, I will.

Frank.

I got the only thing I want for my birthday.

I got to be with you.

You know, Frank, every morning, I wake up,

and I look over on your side of the bed,

and I just smile.

'Cause I know I get to spend the rest of my life with you.

Really? Really.

Then I am the luckiest man in the world.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MAN CLAPS]

Can we take our seats so we can begin the award ceremony?

Good evening, students and faculty.

I'm Professor Robert Nesler.

[DANA AND DOUG CLAPPING]

DR. NESLER: Thank you.

Both.

This evening, it is my great privilege

to award first prize for the best community recycling plan.

Now, there were many worthy projects,

but I think it's important to select one

that was truly exceptional.

Would Ms. Dana Foster and Mr. "Pit Stain" Steckler

please stand up?

Ms. Foster, Mr. Steckler. [CLEARS THROAT]

Your plan to turn cow manure

into a neo-fossil fuel

was brilliantly conceived and executed.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Well, thank you, Professor Nesler.

This is a great honor.

But I have to say that if I hadn't chosen the right partner,

Doug Steckler, I wouldn't have won.

Oh, you didn't win.

No, I was just trying to be kind.

You came in second.

First prize and a year's tuition

goes to Rich Halke and Barbie Dahl.

[BARBIE EXCLAIMS] Yes!

We did it!

Yes!

Wow. I just wanna say this is a great honor,

and, uh, I owe it all to choosing the right partner.

Otherwise I would have ended up

with a project that was just a pile of cow manure.

Mr. Halke and Ms. Dahl's plan

for community-wide recycling

is so incredibly simple-minded

that any idiot walking down the street could do it.

Mr. Halke, Ms. Dahl, would you care

to come up and explain your project

to the simple-minded members of the audience?

Love to.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

You could do all the research you want.

But if you want the general public to recycle,

you have to reach the common man.

Now, I could recycle this aluminum can,

but only with the proper motivation.

Watch and learn.

Now, I'm just an average guy

walking down the street.

Think I'll throw this can in the gutter.

Stop. Don't be a litterbug.

If you recycle that can and make a basket,

I'll cheer for you.

That sounds great to me.

♪ Rich Rich He's our man

♪ He recycled An aluminum can

♪ Go Rich!

Whoo! Whoo!

BARBIE: Whoo!

Now come on, guys. Be honest.

Don't you wanna give your can to Barbie?

[ALL CHEERING]

Let's give a round of applause to our winners.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, congratulations are in order.

Congratulations.

I guess I owe you an apology.

I guess you do.

I'm sorry.

Ooh, now, you know, if I was a smart guy like Doug Steckler,

that might be enough of an apology,

but, you see, I'm kinda dense,

so you're gonna have to really spell it out for me.

Is that really necessary?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

I don't always give you credit

for being as smart as you are.

Thank you. I really mean that, though.

I mean, I guess you're not book-smart,

but you're so creative.

You know, I wish I could be as creative as you are.

You were creative enough to pick me, weren't you?

Mmm. Ooh, there's that yummy spot again.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I hate this.

Oh, now, now, I had to do my shift, you have to do yours.

If we want the people to recycle,

we all have to pitch in.

Oh, you look great.

And you can even wear that on our date tonight.

Rather shave my legs with a potato peeler.

Are you the recycling babe?

Yes, she is.

You just, uh, tell her your name,

and she'll do a little cheer for you.

My name's Phil.

♪ Phil Phil He's our man

♪ He recycled An aluminum can

♪ Go Phil

Thanks.

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

Hi, Dana.

I've got a thousand empty deodorant cans in there.

Come on, baby.

Cheer me.

Make me recycle.