Original subtitles

[GROANING] I can't figure it out.

You got any idea what's wrong, Sam?

Yeah, I think I got it.

Apparently, J.T. thinks you can replace a fan belt

with a cowboy belt.

Yep, I think this Elvis belt buckle would be your pinging sound.

[CLANGS]

Hey, Sam, we were just talking about you.

Hey, Sam, listen.

We're gonna go see Star Warson campus tonight.

You wanna come? Oh, I can't.

I'm having dinner with my friend Jamie.

See, we're having this problem at work--

Sam, there's no need to explain.

I'm a sensitive, '90s kind of guy.

I know chicks need time alone to talk about pantyhose

and bloating and stuff like that.

Well, I was really hoping you wouldn't mind, because, actually--

Sam, I'm not the possessive type.

I'm happy to share you. But, J.T., the thing is--

Uh, Sam, your friend, Jamie is here to pick you up for dinner.

He is a hottie.

He?

Your girlfriend is a he?

Hey, Sam, you ready to go?

Well, if she's not, I am.

[CHUCKLES] Me, too.

BOTH: Hi.

Uh, everybody, this is Jamie.

Jamie, this is Rich, Dana,

Karen, Al, and J.T.

J.T., Sam's boyfriend.

Good to meet ya. Put 'er there, huh? Yeah!

Uh, no.

Well, I could've. I've been working out, you know?

Uh, J.T., standing on your tiptoes

to get the nachos, not a workout.

So, James.

You and, uh, Sam work together at the garage.

Uh, yeah, but I don't know for how long.

The owner told us he's cutting our hours back.

Yeah, and now that I lost my roommate,

Hey, Sam, I told you, don't worry about this, okay?

You and I are in this together.

But not as much as we're in this together.

This is just beautiful. J.T., can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

I'm kinda busy right now. I know you're kinda busy.

Just gonna take a second.

[GIRLS CHATTERING] What? What are you doing?

I am trying to save your butt, okay?

You can't go around acting like a jealous jerk.

Well, what am I supposed to do, just sit around

and let her have dinner with Mr. Good Wrench?

Look, you don't have anything to worry about, okay? Try to follow me here.

It's a scientific fact that it's impossible

for guys to be friends with women without wanting to have sex with them.

Of course. However, the amazing thing is

that girls can be friends with guys

and never wanna have sex with them.

Get out of here. No, man, it's absolutely true.

I've had tons of women friends,

But-- But what I was trying to say is that...

You-- You gotta trust Sam, okay?

Okay. All right.

I'm cool. I'm cool. You're cool.

[LAUGHING]

Jamie, you're so funny.

Yeah, I think you're funny, too, and I don't have a boyfriend.

Well, I think you're funnier, and I'm 18.

Well, you know, Sam, we should...

We should probably get going.

J.T., are you sure you're okay with me having dinner with Jamie?

I'm cool.

I just wanna stop by my apartment so I can get out of these clothes.

Okay, you get out of your clothes. I'll just hang.

Get-- Yeah, why don't you get out of your clothes?

That's cool there. That's-- That's pretty cool, yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I don't have anything to worry about with him, do I?

ALL: No.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH GROANING]

Oh! Oh, Carol.

My God, your neck is like a sack of doorknobs.

You know what I think would really help?

What's that? A full-body massage.

Okay.

Uh, let's see if old magic fingers here can just massage

all the tension right out of your neck, huh?Ooh, yes.

Oh, okay. Here, get right there.There we go.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just come right up the back.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. There we go.

Okay, just let it go. Yeah, right there.

Yeah. Yeah, right there.

CAROL: Right there. Right there, okay.

Huh, there it goes. Yeah!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[FRANK SHOUTS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, honey, who's the man, now, huh?

Oh, you are. That was great.

Thank you. So, I said to my accountant, you know...

Jean-Luc, um, how long have you been sitting there?

Oh, I just got here. I didn't have a chance

to see your little wild monkey dance.

But we don't want to discuss your sex life.

We want to discuss my tax life.

It seems that I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

owe Uncle Sam $1,000.

A thousand dollars? Didn't you pay your taxes?

Well, it was a matter of priority.

You see, in my glamorous world, when one is a dashing,

slightly madcap man about town, one has certain expenses.

I mean, beautiful women want to be shown a fabulous time on a date.

And believe me, nowadays, fabulous don't come cheap.

Well, you've gotta pay your taxes.

Well, I...

[SOFTLY] I don't have the money.

Well, don't worry about it. We'll loan you the money.

Oh, I worship at your feet.

[KISSING] What?

Carol, may I speak to you in the kitchen for a minute, please?

Excuse me, Jean-Luc. Is it about loaning Jean-Luc the money?

No, it's not about loaning Jean-Luc the money.Excuse me.

Here, no, no. Okay.

Frank... It's not about loaning Jean-Luc the money.

Carol, we can't loan Jean-Luc the money.Why not?

We can loan him the money that we were saving for our weekend getaway.

Honey, we were gonna spend that money to go that new spa.

The Hot Tub Heaven.

We were going to play the lonely mermaid

and the submarine commander.

Well, I know, but he's a friend.

You know, we could put off our personal pleasure for a few months.

He's not that good a friend.

Carol, it's not good business to loan money to your friends.

If they don't pay you back right away,

I am not going to argue about this. We are loaning him the money.

Okay, fine. But if you think your neck hurts now, oh-oh, just wait.

Okay, Jean-Luc, I'm writing you a check right now.

Oh, my best friend in the world![GROANS]

Best friends in the world. Oh, thank you so much.

I'll pay you back no matter what it takes.

Even if I have to submit myself for medical experiments,

or even worse, drink wine in a box.

That's Rieupeyroux-- [SPEAKS FRENCH]

I know how to spell your name.

"I" before "E" except after [SPEAKS FRENCH]

Okay, there's no rush.

You just pay us back whenever you can.

Oh, boy! [GROANS]

but now, I don't have to cancel my date with Babette tonight.

I'm going to send her a dozen roses.

You're right, two dozen. Now my money problems are over! Au revoir.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi. These are for you. Ooh!

They're beautiful. Uh-huh.

Thank you. I'll just put them in water.

Gee, Sam, you look a little tired.

Were you out late last night?

No, I was in bed by 11:00.

And was the date over by that point?

First of all, it wasn't a date.

And second, I thought you said

you were okay with me having dinner with Jamie.

I am. I am. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't dinner and a show.

[CHUCKLES]

J.T., I think it's really cute

that you're all worked up, but you have nothing to worry about.

I have completely different feelings for you and Jamie.

You're my boyfriend.

You're the one I want to go out with.

Good.

Live with?

[GRUNTS]

Hey, J.T.

Did you hear the good news?

Sam and I are living together. Isn't that cool?

Cool! Yeah.

Well, anyways, I'm all sweaty,

so I think I'm gonna go take a shower.

Here, let me get you a towel.

Let him get his own towel.

You seem mad about something.

Do I? Do I?

Geez, well, let's see. I wonder.

What could it be? I mean, could it be that--

That you have a guy living with you? Hmm...

J.T., I told you,

they cut my hours at work and I lost my roommate.

And I've gotta split the rent with somebody so I can pay my bills.

Then let me move in. He can live with Rich.

I can't live with you, you're my boyfriend.

That would be like... Living together.

But you're living with him. That's different.

Why? 'Cause I'm not dating Jamie.

He's just a friend.

of you living with some other guy.

You're being ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous?

You're living with a guy you don't even care about,

but you won't live with me because I'm your boyfriend.

J.T.-- Sam, I gotta tell you the truth here,

I am not seeing the advantage of actually being your boyfriend.

Well, you know what?

I've got financial problems.

I was hoping you could understand that.

Here's what I understand.

Either you tell Jamie he's not living here,

or I'm walking right out that door.

I mean it!

I'm walking here. I'm gonna walk.

All right.

Turning the knob.

Hey, Sam, could you get me a towel?

J.T., I'll see you later, huh?

Hey, see you later.

I'm outta here. Have fun toweling off your new boyfriend.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, Mom, got the heating pad for you.

Thank you. What's wrong with your neck?

She sprained it kissing a 1,000 bucks good-bye.

Uh-oh. Marital strife, I'm outta here.

This has nothing to do with lending Jean-Luc the money.

Oh, really?

Jean-Luc took Babette to Chez Nu.

Chez-- Chez-- Chez Nu? Mm-hmm.

No, no. No, I-- That's great.

That's great. I'm really, uh, happy for Jean-Luc.

Oh, come on, Carol, admit it.

He will pay us the money back.

I'm sure of that. Right.

Carol, Frank, I have the most wonderful news.

Lady Luck laid a big wet one on me.

Jean-Luc, that is wonderful!

It comes at the most perfect time,

because you know what I'm going to do with the money?

Well, I think I have a pretty good idea.

I'm going to take Babette away for the weekend.

Wow. Was that gonna be your guess, honey?

I'm taking her to that place that you told me about, Hot Tub Heaven.

Whoa, doesn't that sound like fun?

Carol, you know, with that pain you're having in your neck,

you should look into going to Hot Tub Heaven.

But I'll get out of your way.

I just came over to borrow a big pot.

I'm serving lobster and Dom Pérignon for Babette tonight.

Oh, can I borrow this pot?

Well, of course I can. I'm your friend.

You trust me. I'll bring it back.

Listen, Carol, while I'm gone,

could you be a lamb and water my plants?

I'll water your plants for you.

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES] If she doesn't, I'm gonna.

[GROANING]

[PANTING]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

There, got-got-got it.

You want some help, honey?No, no, I'm fine.

Come on, Carol, admit it.

It's time you talk to Jean-Luc about this money thing.

Yeah, well, I'm going to. He's going to pick me up for work in a little while,

and I'm gonna tell him how I feel about this whole thing.

Well, Carol, listen.

I'm gonna tell you something. Yeah.

Sometimes when you're in pain and you're angry at someone,

you tend to go over-the-top. Yeah.

You know, you might yell more than you really mean to.

And you may even feel like resorting to physical violence.

Yeah. I want you to go with that feeling, honey.

Hey, Carol. I brought your pot back.

I burned it a little bit and I forgot the lid, but I'm sorry.

You are the most selfish person

that has ever walked the face of the Earth.

And I will never be so stupid as to loan you anything ever again.

My God, Carol, aren't you being a little picky about a pot?

This is not about a pot.

This is about the money you owe me.

I had no idea this was bugging you.Bugging me?

Why do you think I am wearing this neck brace, huh?

This is not a fashion statement.

But you don't care. All you care about is spending my money

so you can go out and entertain Ba-- [WINCES] Bette.

Well, I'm sorry.

I had to spend money on Babette.

Why? So she'll like me.

Oh, what are you talking about, Jean-Luc?

After all, you owe me 1,000 bucks and I still like you!

Carol, I'm sorry.

I... I want to make it up to you.

But I... I don't have the money.

But what about you and Frank

could-- Could go and take the weekend at Hot Tub Heaven.

I already paid for it.

Well...

with the money in the first place.

I guess that'd be great.

Okay.

I'll explain it to Babette.

She'll be a little disappointed.

We were going to play the lonely mermaid and submarine commander.

I don't get it, Rich. Why should I be the one to apologize?

Because, number one, you gave her an ultimatum.

You never ever give a woman an ultimatum.

Number two, you didn't trust her.

As much as it goes against our manly nature...

You have to trust women.

[SIGHS]

JAMIE: Do you know you're the greatest kisser in the world?

WOMAN: Really?

Um, like I said, you can't trust 'em for a second.

I'm gonna go have myself surgically attached to Dana.

JAMIE: Oh, wow, I like that.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh!

You're not Sam.

Hey, J.T. Come on in.

How you doing, Melissa? J.T. Hi.

Hey, did you just break down the door

because you thought I was in here fooling around with Sam?

What? No. No.

No, the reason that I broke down the door

was because I had a feeling that this door was substandard.

And look, it is, you know?

So anyways, I'm gonna go to the building manager

and report this before Sam gets home, okay?

Hi, Sammy, Sam.

Hi. You broke my door down?

Yeah, I guess he thought that

Jamie was in here fooling around with you.

Really? Let's go to my room.

Yeah.

Wait, what do you mean your room?

Oh, well, it turns out that Melissa didn't like the idea

of me living with Sam any more than you did.

So Melissa's gonna live with Sam.

In case I never see you again,

it was nice meeting you, J.T.

It was nice meeting you, Melissa.

I can't believe you broke my door down.

Why don't you trust me?

Sam, I wanna trust you, but it's so hard.

I mean, you're living with a guy that

I mean, you're only human.

I just figured it was a matter of time

before something happened between you and Jamie.

And I feel a little weird saying this,

but if I was a chick, I'd be all over the dude.

J.T., I love you.

I love you.

That's part of being in a relationship.

but I'm sorry I was acting like a jerk.

Well, if it makes you feel any better...

It was a little weird having a guy for a roommate.

It was? It was?

Yeah, he's a total slob.

He leaves his smelly socks on the floor.

He always leaves the toilet seat up.

And last night, I took a shower,

He saw you naked?

Yeah. I mean, I was so embarrassed, I just stood there in shock.

Yes, that's why it's gonna be a whole lot better

for Melissa to be my roommate,

and Jamie to move into her old apartment.

You hungry? I'm gonna fix us something to eat.

He saw you naked?

I haven't seen you naked.

That's because you're my boyfriend.

Right, right, right.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR] J.T.: Surprise.

I brought dinner.

Oh, that is so sweet,

but I can't have dinner with you tonight.

I'm going out with my friend Marty.

Marty?

J.T., relax, Marty is a girl.

In fact, she's getting married on Saturday,

and tonight's her bachelorette party.

We're going to one of those guy strip clubs.

You mean you're gonna pay to watch a guy dance around in a thong?

Well, let's see. Would you trust me if I went to the Boom Boom Room

to watch a bunch of naked ladies dance around?

Sure.

Okay, let's go. Good idea. Let's go.

We'll both trust each other

around naked people of the opposite sex.

Fine. Fine.

All right. All right.

Let's go. Let's go.

I'm turning the knob.

You know... Ah!

Ah, me neither. Yeah.

Let's just stay home and watch TV.

He saw you naked?