Original subtitles

Bye, guys.

Catch you later. Don't wait up.

Isn't Karen with you?

Uh, no.

I'm going miniature golfing and Karen is at the library.

It's Saturday night and Karen's at the library?

Bet you she's checking out something other than books.

Frank, now, that isn't fair.

Maybe, Karen's maturing.

You know, finding interests other than boys.

This could be a real turning point.

[SIGHS]

Mom, I have a major emergency.

I met three guys at the library,

and I can't decide which one to go out with.

So much for major turning points.

Which one would you choose, Mom, Ted, Tom, or Tim?

Well, Karen, I haven't even met these boys.

No problem. They're right outside.

Oh, boys, come on in.

Mom, Frank, meet Ted, Tom, and Tim.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

and, boy, they were right. [LAUGHS]

Um, guys, why don't you go in the kitchen

and get something to drink? And I'll be with you

in a minute. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Bye, bye, and bye.

I think you can see my dilemma.

How am I supposed to decide which guy is right for me?

What you need to do, Karen, is, you know,

spend some time with each guy,

and find out who you're most compatible with

based on their personality, their interests,

and how they treat you as a person.

Yeah, that is very good advice.

But I wanna keep all three of them. [GIGGLES]

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS]

[CHANTING] Sam! Sam! Sam!

Quit it, quit it. Hey, guys, what's going on?

Dad, you should've seen it. Sam is the queen of miniature golf.

She scored five holes-in-one.I was in the zone.

And it was not just miniature golf.

She kicked butt at Skee-Ball, video games.

This woman is incredible.

She's smart, she's good at her job.

Well, except for the fact that she's dating J.T., she's my hero.

Yeah, Dad, I mean, you should've seen her at the batting cage.

She was incredible. I mean,

Well, so how'd you do, Son?

Well, I-- I made solid contact.

Yeah, he got hit in the head with the ball.

Yeah, but it was a solid hit.

Well, I'm glad to see that all those years in Little League paid off.

Uh, now, J.T., Sam, no offense,

but, man, how can you be laughing at the fact

that your girlfriend showed you up at the batting cage?

Oh, come on, man. She didn't show me up.

Not a big deal? Man, you were letting down the team.

The team. The guy team.

You know, the sports-loving,

hairy-chested, pants-wearing, spitting-for-distance,

we're-better- than-they-are team.

Really?

nacho-belching, armpit-music-playing,

watch-me-light-this team.

Can somebody help me with this? I can't open this bottle.

Sure, Carol, I'll help you.

in our manhood that we don't feel threatened

if a woman is better than us at something.

[STRAINING] God, this thing is stuck.

Here, let me.

Okay, let me see you.

Ooh, very chic.

Now, let me see your very best Linda Evangelista face.

Hey, guys. Mail's here.

Oh, boy! Anything for me?

Um, yeah, here.

I don't know. I can't read.

Well, let's see here. It's from your doctor.

Says that you need a tetanus booster shot.

Oh, man, those things hurt.

A shot?

[SCREAMING] No, no, no, no, no, no.

Excellent bedside manner, Dr. Kevorkian.

Lilly. Lilly!

Well, I do not know where Lilly is...

but she should not be so afraid of a silly shot.

I mean, shots keep little girls healthy so they do not get sick.

LILLY: Yeah, but they stick a big needle in your butt.

That's funny, I can hear her, but I cannot see her.

So I will have to go outside wearing this very coat.

There you are!

overhearing my private musings?

Okay, now listen.

They do not give you this shot in the petite buttocks.

They give you this shot in the petitearm.

And then afterwards, the doctor give you a nice big lollipop.

I'm not going.

Okay, I know you're scared, but listen, okay?

Uncle Jean-Luc is going to help you through this.

I'm going to go with you and your mama,

and I'm going to hold your hand the entire time. Now...

Do we have a deal?

Okay, but if this shot hurts,

I'm gonna have G.I. Joe sock you in the eye.

How very charming.

All right, don't worry, buddy.

She can't keep this up the whole game.

Six in the corner pocket.

[SCOFFS]

That's 14.

Three in the side pocket.

Yes! Victory for Sam! Victory for all women!

Girls rule. Boys suck. Girls rule. Boys suck.

Girls rule. Boys suck.

Thanks for the game. Sure.

Hey, J.T., you wanna go, uh, get some nachos?

Oh, no, thanks, man, I'm not hungry.Yeah, you are.

Come on over here. Excuse us, really hungry.

You disgust me.

What, man? She's a good pool player.

Look, yesterday she beat you in the batting cages and at golf.

And today it's ping-pong and now pool?

How long do you think a chick is going to stay with a guy

who's not as tough as she is?

I don't know. Let's ask Dana.

That's just clever. Okay, look.

You're an embarrassment to our gender.

You wanna keep Sam, you gotta make a showing.

What are you talking about, man? Everything's fine between me and Sam.

Yeah, well, now. But, I mean,

if she keeps beating you at stuff, sooner or later,

she's gonna lose respect for you, and eventually, dump you.

You really think so? I really know so.

I mean, if you don't wanna lose Sam,

you gotta pick something that you can at least beat her at.

Maybe you're right, man.

[DINGING]

MACHO METER: Macho Man says you are a Terminator.

BOTH: Macho Meter.

Hey, Sam, over here.

Let's, uh, let's try the Macho Meter, huh?

There's no way she's stronger than me.

I'm a guy. [BOTH LAUGH]

You just keep telling yourself that.Yeah.

Hey, she's with me.

[SCOFFS]

Come on, Sam, I challenge you.

Oh, this should be good.

Look, J.T., I'm not into that whole competitive thing.

No, really, come on. It'll be fun.

Ready or not.

[DINGING]

MACHO METER: You are a Powerhouse.

Wow, I didn't think I'd do that good.

I guess it's 'cause I've been working out.

Oh, well, you know, J.T.'s been working out, too.

You know, open the refrigerator, close the refrigerator.

Go mark your territory, Barky.

Step aside.

There's a man in the house.

The man in the house. Man in the house.

Man in the house! Yeah!

Are you warm? Are you loose?

Are you loose, boy? Ooh, he is rock solid.

Terminator. All right.

Looking for Terminator.

[DINGING]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I, uh, didn't get a good grip.

It must have been those greasy nachos I was eating.

Let me try it again. Lookie what you are.

A wimp, wimp, wimp.

Hey, man, back off.

What are you doing with this guy?

A babe like you, you need a real man.

Hey.

I already told you, man, back off.

Who's gonna make me? Me.

Yeah, right. Go ahead, wimp boy.

Make me back off. Man, grow up.

Nobody's looking for trouble.I am.

Are you okay?

Of course, I am. I've got you to protect me.

Liar.

Hey, Lilly, don't be afraid.

You know, all little girls your age get vaccinations.

It's not so bad.

Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

Lilly, I have a friend who got this shot last week,

and he wants to tell you about it.

Would you like to meet him?

Yeah?

Say hello to Mr. Sock-rebleu.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Hello, Lilly.

I have a secret about getting shots.

You want to hear it? Yeah.

Oh, boy, you're excited. Okay.

that when they start to give you the shot,

you just think of something wonderful.

I like to think of the model on page 16

of the Victoria's Secretcatalog.

I've named her Kim.

Okay, well, honey, you think of Barney.

Barney, I love Barney!

And I love Kim.

Hello. Hello.

[NORMAL VOICE] Ahem. Hello.

And, uh, which of you is Lilly?

Nice try.

Dr. Martinez, this is our friend Jean-Luc.

Pleasure. Enchante.

Uh, here.

Ooh, that's quite a nasty cut you have there.

Yeah, a little kitchen accident.

That's what I get for eating canned pate.

you'll need a tetanus shot.

A shot?

Yes.

With a-- with a needle?

Yes.

I would think that you were afraid of having a shot.

Afraid? [SCOFFS]

I am Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

I laugh at fear.

[LAUGHS]

Lilly...

Yippie! Yippie!

Listen to me, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I ain't getting no stinking shot.

Don't be ridiculous, Jean-Luc.

You cut your hand, you gotta have a tetanus shot.

Oh, really? Yes.

Oh, tetanus can lead to breathing problems,

heart trouble, even death.

I can live with that.

Bye-bye.

Look, Jean-Luc, I got a great big lollipop.

Oh, that's wonderful, darling.

Okay, bye-bye. Uh, Jean-Luc.

You can't go, Jean-Luc.

Yes, I did say that, didn't I?

And guess what else.

Jean-Luc is gonna get a shot just like you.

Goodie! He can show me how to be brave.

Yes, I-- I'll do that. I'll show you how to be brave.

How-how exactly, yes.

We'll be brave. Okay, Lilly.

I know that you're a very brave girl.

Barney. Barney.

Barney. Kim. Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim. Barney.

All done. Really? That didn't even hurt.

You know, I hardly felt it myself.

Well, that's 'cause you haven't gotten yours yet.

Barney. Barney. Barney.

Don't be afraid, Jean-Luc.

I'll sing you a song.

♪ Went up the waterspout

BOTH: ♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider out

♪ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider

♪ Climbed up the spout again ♪

Oh, that was fun.

Feel better now?

Yes, I do feel better now. Thank you.

It's done. I already gave it to you.

And mommy is so proud of you.

You are such a brave boy.

And this is for you.

Thank you, my baby.

RICH: Look, you're an embarrassment to our gender.

MAN: A babe like you needs a real man.

MACHO METER: Wimp, wimp, wimp.

It's so great that J.T. and Sam are getting married.

Wait until you see the wedding gown.

It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Do you think maybe, someday the four of us can get married?

I do. I do.

I do.

Hey, Karen, how about sharing?

No way. Find your own triplets.

[SCOFFS]

I never get to have any fun.

So, J.T. and Sam are getting married.

I guess you know what that means.

Well, I sure do.

So they need to find a tax-sheltered investment

such as municipal bonds or an oil depletion allowance.

Man, it's no wonder you don't have a woman.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[ORGAN PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

You are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Thanks, Daddy.

Oh, he is so beautiful.

Now, you be gentle with my baby.

Whoa!

Dearly beloved, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wimp.

You may kiss the bride.

Give me some sugar!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

Mr. and Mrs. Samantha Milano.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

Hey, congratulations.

J.T., I brought you a little something for your wedding night.

'Cause your first night should be very special.

I hope it's your size.

No!

No. No!

No.

[GROANS] [DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Hi. Hi.

Man, I just had a horrible dream we got married.

Thanks a lot.

I was the bride and you were the groom.

J.T., are you still upset because of all that stuff that happened yesterday?

I told you, it's no big deal.

I know, but I just can't stop thinking about it.

I mean, you've been winning at everything we do.

So what?

So... Why are you with me?

You deserve a real man.

I've got you.

My last boyfriend was such a macho jerk,

I had to lose on purpose just so he wouldn't get upset.

But with you, it's different.

Really? Yeah.

Like the other day at the batting cage.

It was nice getting all those hits,

but when I saw how proud you were of me, it made my day.

There's no way my last boyfriend would let me be myself

without feeling threatened.

to handle a woman like you.

Well, it's a good thing I'm not dating "some guys."

I'm dating you.

Wanna arm wrestle? Don't start.

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Please, I wanna take you to the prom.

No way. She's going with me.

Hey, I saw her first.

Boys, boys, please, please.

This can never be. I'm a married woman.

And besides, I'm old enough to be your older sister.

But we love you.

Yes, you're a goddess.

Oh, gosh.

I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings,

but I have all the man I can handle.

I just had this feeling you needed me.

Oh, Frank.

that's romantic yet appropriate

for young children during the family viewing hour.

Here you go, boys.

Go build yourself a toy.

Ah, Frank!

Oh, eat your heart out, boys.