Original subtitles

-Hey. Howdy, Mr. L. -Hey, Rich.

Come on in.

Yeah, I just subscribed to the Maximum Sports channel.

Oh, it's got everything.

It's got basketball and football and hockey and soccer,

and some crazy Australian game

where a bunch of women get together

and just beat the snot out of each other.

Well, that's what I call a maximum sports channel.

Yeah, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Oh, no way. Oh, no way.

Mr. L, this is the Bucks-Clippers game.

I thought this wasn't televised.

Yeah, well, it is if you've got the Maximum Sports channel.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Rich, I'm ready to go.

Oh, yeah, just a second, Sweetie.

The Clippers got the ball, and we're down by three.

That's charging! That's charging! That's Mike's ball.

Honey, the movie's gonna start in 20 minutes.

We have to leave now.

Frank, are you going to fix the garbage disposal?

Yeah, okay, honey.

You said "Okay, honey" an hour ago.

Okay, honey.

Mom, you get the feeling they're not listening to us?

BOTH: Yes!

Boys, since you're so busy, Dana and I

are gonna put on our leather bikinis

and go out with a couple of bikers named Fuzzy and Scuzzy.

BOTH: Yes!

Karen, what are you doing?

Setting a trap for Kyle McCormick.

Oh, he's hot.

I've been spraying my perfume in strategic places--

His locker, his desk in homeroom.

Pretty soon, his animal instincts will take over

and he'll track me down and claim me for his own.

Well, that's very romantic.

If you're a moose.

Ladies, looking good today.

Ooh, there's Kyle.

[sniffs]

Bingo. He's taking the bait.

Now watch me reel him in like a great, big love tuna.

He's coming over.

Hey, Karen. You know, I like your perfume.

Really? Oh, that's so sweet of you to notice.

Yeah, it reminds me of my mother.

Hey, you're Al Lambert, aren't you?

Yeah.

How'd you like to go out tonight?

Sure.

Great. I'll-- I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Okay.

Looks like I bagged your tuna.

Well-- well, thanks. I-- I had a great time.

Yeah? Me too.

Well, I guess this is goodnight.

You know, I had this car customized.

Yeah, I figured a CD player

wasn't standard equipment on a '57 Chevy.

No, I'm not talking about the radio.

I'm talking about the seats.

Just relax, lean back, and check this out.

It's pretty cool, huh?

Ow. Hey, what are you doing?

I was about to ask you the same question.

What? I thought we were just having a little fun.

Yeah, before you turned your car into a sleazy motel room.

Hey, where are you going, babe?

Look, Bonnie Casset and Jackie Frager

didn't mind rolling around in the love mobile.

In fact, I haven't had any complaints yet.

Yeah, well, you know what? I have a complaint.

You're a pig.

J.T., J.T., guess what is just about to burst out of me?

Upstairs, first door on the left. Jiggle the handle.

No, no, no, not that.

How would you like to see

two of the most super extra-sexy woman on the face of the Earth?

You got tickets for mud wrestling tonight?

No, not mud wrestling. Come on, J.T.

Woman in bikinis rolling around in the mud, this is not sexy.

Eh, it's a little bit sexy, but that's not the point.

The point is that I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

have spent the entire day

giving a fabulous makeover to Carol and Dana

so that their stupid American men will not take them for granted.

And therefore, without further ado,

I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

present to you the two new and improved femme fatales

of Port Washington.

Whoa, Carol. Carol, you look great.

Thanks.

Yeah, Dana, wow, you-- you almost look like a chick.

And you can almost kiss my butt.

The two of you look [SPEAKS FRENCH] fabulous.

And I guarantee your men will not ignore you now.

[LAUGHS] I stake my Rieupeyroux reputation on it!

Oh, look at that! Another slam dunk.

Ooh, Michael Jordan is the man.

I'm thinking of shaving a "23" right in the side of my head.

-What do you think? -I like it.

Hi, Frank.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Rich.

Hi, Dane.

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

[BOTH GROAN]

Frank, how do you like my new dress?

I sure will, honey.

Oh, look at that! Another slam dunk!

[WHOOPING]

These guys are hopeless. Let's get out of here.

Thanks a lot, Rich.

You're welcome.

What was their problem?

Well, their problem is they're in love

with a couple of romantically-challenged couch potatoes!

-Hey, we're watching the game! -Hey, what are you thinking?

Shut up! You both make me so mad, I could just do this.

Your women are starved for attention, and what do you do?

You ignore them to stare at the television and go--

[IMITATES WHOOPING]

What are you talking about?

I pay a lot of attention to Carol.

Just-- just not when I'm watching sports.

And how many hours have you spent

watching the mega mondo maxi macho sports channel?

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe-- maybe I've been spending too much time watching sports,

so I'll go up and find Carol and say I'm sorry.

I think the ship has sailed on "I'm sorry."

I mean, that may be pretty good

when you do something like eat a late-night bean burrito

and keep Carol up all night.

You know, you're right.

I mean, we have been treating the girls unfairly.

What do we need to do to make it up to them?

You need to sweep them off their foot,

which you obviously don't know how to do,

so, much as I revile you,

tonight, I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

will transform you both

into suave, continental love machines.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello, Al's answering service.

No, Al's not here.

No, I can't pencil you in for a date with her.

Just try back in a few months, all right?

This is getting ridiculous.

I don't get it. All the boys are calling Al instead of me.

It's like the whole world has gone crazy.

Look, Karen, no offense,

but, uh, you're over the hill, babe.

Past your prime.

She's in, you're out.

She's young, you're old.

Get over it.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi, Karen.

Hi.

Well, I guess I'll just leave you two old hags alone

so you can compare liver spots

and talk about the good, old days, huh?

Okay. What was that all about?

J.T. thinks that the reason every boy in school

is calling Al instead of me

is because I'm over the hill.

Well, you're not over the hill.

You're just not easy.

See, the word around school

is that Al and Kyle McCormick...

you know.

The big "you know"?

Yep.

They did the horizontal macarena.

I can't believe that Al went all the way with Kyle McCormick.

How could she do that?

You know what, guys?

I think this sweater is really working for me.

I mean, every guy in school said hello to me today.

Whoa. Look at all these messages.

Jason, Devon, Brandon, Tate?

I guess I'd have a stack of messages from boys too, if I was easy.

What is that supposed to mean?

Uh-oh. Um, this could get ugly.

I'll be upstairs.

Where do you get off calling me easy?

Come on, Al.

I know you went all the way with Kyle McCormick.

For your information,

the only thing I did with that creep

was leave him and his love mobile in my dust.

That's not what I heard.

Well then, whoever you heard it from is a liar.

Karen, how can you believe such a stupid rumor?

Well, it's the only thing that makes sense.

I mean, why else would all the boys

be calling you instead of me?

Well, here's a theory.

Maybe they're just not interested in a vain, jealous,

self-centered snob.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

God, I'm good.

Frank, you look super extra fantastic.

Well, listen, I know these monkey suits are supposed to be suave,

but it doesn't feel right on me.

Come on, Frank.

When Carol sees you dressed like this, she will melt.

Just like Tammy Faye Bakker's face on a hot day.

I'm not so sure Carol's even gonna be here.

She was so upset with me this afternoon.

Well, fortunately, you had the good sense

to send her flowers, candy,

and a very tasteful gold bracelet.

By the way, you owe me $385.

Rich Halke, reporting for romance.

[IMITATES SIZZLING]

What do you think, huh?

You look like the mayor of munchkin city.

I know. It's pretty hip, huh?

And the best thing about it,

this baby only cost me $4.95.

I think you overpaid.

Now, um, I'll go check on dinner

and tell the ladies you're ready for them.

Mr. L, huh, how about this?

You and Mrs. L, me and Dana.

It's kinda like going on a double date, huh?

Oh, yeah, it's a big dream come true.

Hi, Rich.

Oh, mama.

I mean...

Dana, you look gorgeous.

Thank you.

And you look like...

Super Fly.

Thank you.

Allow me to escort you to your table, madam.

Mmm.

Whoa...

Oh, mama.

Thanks, Frank.

That's exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

Oh. Ugh. This is so beautiful.

[SIGHS]

Okay, what happens next?

What happens next...

Open the champagne, you nincompoop!

Yeah, the champagne.

Uh, 1993. A very good year.

Uh, "Best if used before February of '97."

-Okay, here we go. -[CORK POPS]

[ALARM BLARING]

I-- I don't have my keys.

[ALARM CHIRPS, STOPS]

Listen, Carol, I'm sorry.

This, uh, night was supposed to be special for you,

but champagne and tuxedos and being suave,

well, it's just not me.

Yeah, and I really wanna show you a good time tonight, Dana,

and I know...I look good in a tux.

But...it's just not me either.

I think you guys are doing great.

-Really? -Yeah.

You know, Frank, the candles, the champagne, the flowers,

the romantic music, it's so wonderful.

But you know what the most romantic thing about tonight was?

When you turned off the TV

and you said, "I wanna spend the evening with you."

So you're, uh, you're not disappointed?

I mean, that I'm not a debonair sophisticate like Jean-Luc?

Why would I be disappointed?

I'm having a wonderful evening with the man I love.

You wanna dance?

I would love to.

Would you care to dance?

Absolutely.

First, lose the Elton John shoes.

But they're really working for me.

No, they're really, really not.

Hey, my tray was here first.

-Well, I'm not moving. -Neither am I.

-Fine. -Fine.

Well, I'm glad that during these troubling times

you two have found a way to put your differences aside and patch things up.

BOTH: Shut up!

Perhaps I should find another table.

Hey, you're Al Lambert, aren't you?

Yeah.

Well, I'm Morton Osgood, and I hear you're a real party gal.

Excuse me?

Well, the word around the chess club

is that you're quite a hot little number,

and I was hoping that, well, maybe you could rock my world.

Listen, nimrod.

You go tell the rest of the geek squad

and anyone else you see

that those rumors about me and Kyle McCormick are lies!

Ah, Lambert. Well, I heard that you were feisty.

Shut up.

Hey, Al, how about going to the drive-in Saturday?

Hear you got a thing for cars.

Leave me alone.

Oh, don't get all bent out of shape.

It's okay. We like you.

In fact, the whole football team just loves you.

Knock it off.

Al...

You know, Karen, just go away, Okay?

Are you okay?

No.

No, I'm not okay!

Everybody in this school thinks that I'm a tramp, including you!

Look, I know I said some terrible things about you the other day,

and I'm really, really sorry.

I guess I just let myself believe the rumors

because I was jealous.

Of what? Of What?

That everybody thinks I'm easy?

No.

No, I was jealous because for the first time,

it wasn't my stack of phone messages on the counter.

You were the one getting all the calls,

and I just couldn't handle it.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Yeah, you can make this whole thing go away.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I'm a funny guy. What can I say?

I think we can take care of that.

Follow me.

Excuse me, Kyle?

Excuse me, ladies.

Karen. You're looking good.

Give it a rest, Kyle.

Everybody, I, uh, need your attention.

Hey, you in the back, listen up.

We need to clear up the little matter of what actually happened

between Kyle McCormick and Al Lambert.

There seems to be a difference of opinion.

I don't think we really need to get into this.

Oh, I think we do.

Al, why don't you tell everyone exactly what happened

between you and Kyle in his car?

Love to.

Nothing happened.

He tried to put his big, ugly paws all over me,

so I called him a pig and got out of the car.

Yeah, that's what you say--

No, that's the truth!

Look, I don't care how far you got in that car

with Bonnie or Jackie.

You don't get anywhere with me.

Wait a minute. What did he say he did with me?

Well, Bonnie, he said he went all the way with you.

Well, he's a liar.

'Cause I didn't do anything with him.

Me neither.

The only time I touched him

was when I slapped him in the face and got out of the car.

Gee, Kyle, looks like the only person you've gone all the way with

is yourself.

[LAUGHTER]

Look, I don't have to listen to this.

You shut your mouth.

All right? I'm out of here.

Yeah, beat it, creep.

Yeah, we don't need jerks like you hanging around here.

All right, anyone else wanna mess around with me?

That's not what I meant.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Carol?

CAROL: Be down in a minute. Make yourself comfortable.

Well, we gonna be late for work.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: This may be the single greatest moment

in the history of the Maximum Sports channel.

It's for the goal. From the two.

Five seconds left in the game.

The crowd is on their feet.

Oh, la, la.

Favre takes the snap, hands to Bennett.

He dives, he scores.

Touchdown Packers!

Oh, oui,touchdown! What's a touchdown?

Look at that festive little dance.

One of the greatest moments in NFL history.

Let's see that again.

Okay, Jean-Luc, are you ready to go?

Okay, honey.

Are you listening to me?

Yes!

Yes, yes!

Super fantastic!

Excellent! Oui! Oui!