Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

You, my lucky friends,

12are the first people to experience

my bold, new fashion statement.

Tell me, and don't be shy.

What do you think?

I think you look like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie.

And you look like Chrissy from Three's Company,

but I never throw that in your face.

I call this look "Sinbad as I wanna be."

I'd call it a big orange diaper.

-[LAUGHS] -[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Quite a shot coming from Orville Redenbacher.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

-You the man, Frankie. -No, no, no, Moosie.

-You the man. -Yeah!

Well, you guys are in a good mood.

I take it you won the bowling tournament?

Yeah, honey, for the second straight year,

the crew from Lambert Construction

is the All-City Bowling League Champion.

Oh, great.

This is super-extra fantastic.

-Congratulations, Frank. -Ah, gee.

And congratulations to you, too.

Whoa, hey.

Don't go there, bro.

This is Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc is Carol's new business partner.

Jean-Luc is a hairdresser.

Yeah, like I couldn't have guessed that.

[LAUGHS]

Tell me, Moose, are you named after

the sticky foam that goes in your hair,

or the big smelly animal with woodchips stuck to its buttocks?

-[GRUNTS] -Oh, no, Moose.

Look, cheese, cheese, Moose.

-Cheese. -Take some cheese.

Okay.

Oh, well, honey, it's so great,

'cause they took our picture, they're gonna put it in paper

and it's gonna be great free advertising for Lambert Construction.

Jean-Luc, maybe the salon should enter a team

in the bowling tournament.

A bunch of hairdressers bowling?

I don't think so.

[LAUGHS]

And what is that supposed to mean, you reject from Deliverance?

-Oh, you son of-- -Moose, Moose, bread, Moose, take some bread.

Now, have some bread. That's good. Take some bread.

Listen, you guys, no offense,

but we just don't feel that bowling is a sport

for the, uh, shampoo-and-blow-dry crowd.

[BOTH SNICKER]

Oh, I see.

So you think bowling is just for the beer-and-butt-crack crowd?

Exactly.

Well, I'll tell you what,

how 'bout a little tournament, huh?

Hairdressers versus construction workers.

Is this a formal challenge?

No.

This is a formal challenge.

-That's it! -No, Moose! No, no, no! Moose, don't do it!

No, Moose! Moose, leave him alone. Leave him alone.

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Rich, babe, where are you, man?

The client's gonna be here any minute.

I'm right here, babe.

-I am on it. -All right.

Good work. I love your work, babe.

Love you. Let's do lunch.

BOTH: Ciao.

What are you two bottom-feeders doing?

We're sports agents.

We represent Eric Barnes,

the captain of the East Wis U hockey team.

When he signs his pro contract next year for 10 million bucks,

we're gonna get 10%

10%.

Tell her how much that is, Rich.

10% of 10 million dollars,

well, that's, uh...

Carry the six...

That's a lot of money.

Rich, um, when you walk,

do you notice a rattling sound in your head?

Yeah, what is that?

Nah, if it's in your head, it's probably nothing.

Good.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

There's our bonus, baby, now.

Eric, you stud!

You viking! You hockey Hercules!

We worship you!

-Are you sucking up, Halke? -Like a vacuum cleaner.

Good. I like that in an agent.

Hey, man, we're here for you.

-Just like Jerry Maguire. -Oh, yeah, man.

I love that movie. "Show me the money!"

Come on, say it, JT.

BOTH: "Show me the money!"

"Show me the money!"

That's great, guys.

You know the first thing I want you to do for me?

Show you the money?

Nope. Show me a sandwich.

You want us to make you a sandwich?

Guys, if you're gonna be my agents,

you gotta learn to make me happy.

Because when I sign that big money pro contract,

your 10% is going to make you guys very, very rich.

So, what do you say?

-I say, show me the lunchmeat! -Yes!

I love the lunchmeat!

Show me the baloney!

I knew you guys would make great agents.

And after that sandwich, I got a few other jobs for you.

First, I want you to type my history paper.

Done.

Then I want you to wash my car.

And wax it, too.

Do my laundry.

I love your laundry.

Show me your shorts!

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, don't answer it. That's for me.

I'll get it in the living room.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

And get me a date with that girl.

You want me to fix you up with my step-sister?

Yeah.

Show me the step-sister!

Do you want it toasted?

Well, I guess we should flip a coin to see who bowls first, huh?

[CHUCKLES] I think that's all right, Carol.

Hairdressers first.

[LAUGHING]

So, would you like to make a little wager?

Well, all right, I'll tell you what.

-If we win-- -No, no, when we win.

You're right. You're right.

When we win, you have to be

our poker night slaves for a month, okay?

You have to make the beer and pizza runs, light our cigars,

empty the ashtrays, the whole thing, huh?

Fine.

-If we win-- -[MIMICKING MOOSE] No, no, when we win.

Right.

When we win,

you guys are gonna have to stand

in the middle of this bowling alley next Saturday night

wearing tutus, singing Hail to the Hairdressers.

Yeah, okay.

Hail to the Hairdressers?

What kind of girly-man song is that?

[LAUGHING]

[MIMICKING MOOSE] Oh, you'll be finding out soon enough.

Now, stand aside, you evolutionary dead end,

and watch real kegler do it.

For God sakes, man, this is America.

Why don't you learn the language?

-Why don't you get some mouthwash? -Oh, that's it.

Moose, I got peanuts. Moose, I got peanuts.

MOOSE: Peanuts?

Vive la France.

Hang that on your macho tool belt, Frank.

Yeah, okay, beginner's luck.

Stand aside and watch

Frankie "The Howitzer" Lambert.

[MOOSE CHUCKLING]

Okay, Carol, come on. Come on.

Show these gauchegorillas how it's done.

Just fire it right down the middle.

Okay. You got it.

Carol, that ball spent more time in the gutter than my old man.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Sorry, Jean-Luc, I guess I'm not very good.

No, no, don't you worry about it.

I know how to make you do this good.

Look, the secret to being a wonderful bowler

is to picture that the middle pin

is someone who really ticks you off,

and then to just mow that sucker down.

Yeah, Carol, honey.

[CHUCKLES]

You may not be aware of this,

but the object to the game is to knock down some of the pins.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I think I know whose face to picture.

Hey, Carol, you may not be aware of this,

but the object to the game is to knock down some of the pins.

Eat this, Frank.

[CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I finally finished.

I have sterilized all of Eric's mouth guards.

Don't lose hope, bud, we're paying our dues.

It's only a matter of time before we're rolling in dough.

And I was MVP of that game, too.

[CHUCKLING]

Anyway, Karen, what I was trying to say is,

your eyes sparkle like fresh Zambonied ice.

Oh, that is so poetic.

Hey, you crazy kids!

How was your little night on the town there?

-We had a great time, didn't we? -Mmm-hmm.

Karen, would you like to go out again on Monday?

-Oh, I'd love to. -Perfect.

-You guys bake those brownies? -Yes, sir.

Double fudge in the kitchen.

I love having agents.

Karen, thanks for agreeing to go out with Eric.

-We owe you big time. -No, I owe you big time.

Eric is so sweet for a hockey player.

Oh, I can't wait to go upstairs and ask Al which sport hockey is.

Man, do we have the Midas touch or what?

ERIC: Hey, guys, I spilled.

BOTH: He spilled!

[CLAMORING]

What'd you spill? Eric! Eric! Eric, are you okay?

Where's the spill?

Ah!

So, Eric, it sounds like you a great date with Karen.

Yeah, I had a real good time.

Hey, guys, listen.

I want you to get me a date with Julie Fleming.

Julie Fleming?

But I thought you were dating Karen.

I am.

Karen's gonna be my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday girl.

That leaves Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays for Julie.

But Karen's my step-sister, man.

I'm not sure I could do this to her.

Guys.

I'm a future pro superstar.

If you want me to show you the money,

you got to show me the honey.

Remember that.

Well, bud, we're kind of at a moral crossroads here.

We can either sell Karen down the river

for 10% of 10 million dollars,

or could take the high road and do what's decent and right.

JT, I just figured out

what 10% of 10 million dollars is.

It's 2.7 million dollars.

2.7 million dollars?

Show me Julie Fleming!

-We forgot to dial. -Oh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Time to rock and roll.

Yes!

The score is tied now, Frankie.

Okay, Carol, looks like it comes down to you and me.

You the man, Frankie!

Thank you, Moose.

Easy pick up, Frank.

Come on, now, I got confidence in you.

You the man.

You can do it.

You the king!

You suck!

-Okay, Moose. -Yeah.

They need to get at least ten pins to win.

No problem.

[FRANK SCOFFS]

-Oh! -Oh, the old seven-ten splitter.

Oh, I hate to say it, but you guys are toast.

It looks like you two are gonna be serving nachos and margaritas

at our poker night.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Not so fast, you white trash woolly mammoth.

She can still win it if she makes this shot.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what, Jean-Luc.

If she does make this shot,

Moose and I will not only sing your hairdresser song wearing tutus,

but we'll dance the Sugar Plum Fairy Dance.

[LAUGHING]

Face it, honey, there is no way

you're gonna make this shot.

We'll see about that.

Come on, Carol, put her right there.

♪ You can't get me

♪ Na-na-na-na-na

[SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]

I did it!

I made it!

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CHEERING]

Frank, if I'm gonna have to wear a tutu,

I'm probably gonna need a bikini wax.

Dana, how do I look?

You look great.

Really?

Good enough to say "I love you"?

Okay. I love ya.

No, I'm talking about Eric.

I know I've only been seeing him for a week,

well, actually, every other day for a week,

but I feel like I've known him forever.

In fact, I think I'm in love with him.

Well, Karen, don't you think you're kinda rushing it?

I know, it's fast,

but I'm going over to Eric's dorm right now.

I wanna surprise him and tell him how I feel.

Wish me luck.

Okay. Good luck.

Man, I will be so glad

when we start making money off Eric.

I bet Wayne Gretzky doesn't make his agent wash his jock strap.

You know, this whole sports-worship thing

makes no sense to me at all.

I mean, Karen actually thinks she's in love with this guy.

In love? With Eric?

Yeah, she's really fallen for him.

She's on her way over to his dorm right now to tell him how she feels.

-Oh. -What? Tonight?

But tonight's Thursday! Thursday's a Julie day!

-What are you talking about? -Rich, Rich, we gotta get over there and stop her.

-Come on! -What is going on?

We don't have time to explain!

Sometimes we're real idiots.

Sometimes?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, are you looking for Eric Barnes?

Yeah.

I think he's in the student lounge.

-Thanks. -Welcome.

Karen! Karen, Karen, Karen.

Karen, listen, don't go in there.

Dana said why you want to see Eric.

Believe me, it's a big mistake.

Yeah, absolutely.

You don't wanna get involved with a pro athlete.

I mean, they're always on the road, never home.

Come on, you don't want a life like that.

Eric and I have talked about that.

He said he'd take me with him on road trips every other week.

Karen, you know how that is.

Girls are always throwing themselves at athletes.

Eric is not interested in other girls.

He said he's only interested in me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to him.

-Karen, think about this. -Karen, don't go in there.

-Karen, wait, wait, wait! -Karen, Karen!

Eric!

Karen, hi.

I wasn't expecting you tonight.

It's Thursday.

I can't believe this.

You said I was the only girl you cared about.

You told her that?

He just told me that two minutes ago.

Come on, girls, let's not get all worked up about this.

You both get to tell your friends you're dating Eric Barnes.

Correction. I was dating Eric Barnes.

Well, problem solved.

Now you are the only one I care about.

Now you're down to zero.

Fine. Your loss.

I'll just have my agents over here hook me up with another date.

You know something, man,

you are the lowest scum on the face of the Earth.

Karen is a lot better off without you

because she's a terrific person.

You're nothing but a slime bag.

I don't need this.

You're both fired! Get out of my way!

Hey, hey! Well...

Well, we quit, you bad person.

[SIGHS] I feel like such a fool.

Karen, we're really sorry.

It's okay. It's not your fault.

Actually, it kinda is our fault.

We kinda fixed up Eric with Julie.

How could you do that to me?

I don't know, Karen. We were really stupid.

We just got so caught up in thinking about making money

that we really didn't think about anything else.

Karen, I'm really sorry.

You aren't the only one who's stupid.

I believed him when he said he cared about me.

All I know is I'm through with guys forever.

Gonna lock myself in my room

and become a bitter old man-hater like Cybill Shepherd.

Hey, uh, Karen.

You know, Eric is down there

sitting all alone in his convertible.

So?

So, I was just thinking, you know,

what a shame it would be

if this bucket of dirty, disgusting mop water

just accidentally fell on his head.

[SPITS]

Yeah, that would be terrible.

[SNORTING]

[SPITS]

Ah.

Wait, wait, you can't do that!

But I can.

[SPITS]

ERIC: Hey!

[LAUGHING]

BOTH: Show me the loogie!

ALL: Show me the loogie!

ALL: Show me the loogie!

ALL: I love the loogie!

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?

The victorious hairdressers

are pleased to present

the Sugar Plum Fairies of Lambert Construction.

[DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRYPLAYING]

Frank, you know, I'm man enough to admit it,

I'm feeling kinda sexy.

And now, for their second number,

the Lambert boys are going to sing

Hail to the Hairdressers.

Hit it, guys.

♪ Hail to the hairdressers

♪ We were mean and snooty So they kicked our booty

♪ Hail to the hairdressers

♪ They're the better bowlers now ♪

Dance, boys.

♪ Hail to the hairdressers

♪ Yesterday we bragged

♪ Now we're dressed in drag

♪ Hail to the hairdressers

♪ They're the better Bowlers now ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]