Original subtitles

[STRAINING]

Come on, Al, pull!

I am pulling.

Pull harder!

Karen, if I pull any harder,

I'm gonna break your pelvis.

Who cares?

Once I get these jeans on,

Okay. Okay. I got it.

Button it!

If that's what it takes to get 'em on,

Oh, that was just the button.

[CROWBAR CLATTERS]

Now we gotta close her up.

I have a date with Cameron Loring,

the hottest guy in school.

And he really likes girls in tight jeans.

Oh, Karen, please.

I know.

I'm shallow, I'm superficial,

and an embarrassment to sisterhood.

Now shut up and help me zip.

Okay.

All right, on three. Ready?

One, two, three!

[GRUNTING]

See? Told you they fit.

Now all I have to do is put on some six-inch heels.

Uh, Cameron also likes tall girls.

So anyway, Alana, I was wondering

if tonight you'd care to join me

for dinner, or perhaps a trip to the cinema?

What'd she say? What'd she say?

Shh! Shut up! Be quiet.

Oh, very well, then.

Okay. All right. Tonight it is.

All right. Ciao,baby.

She said yes? Yeah, she said yes.

Oh, I don't believe it.

You got a date with Alana Mills?

Boy, she's hot.

I heard she French-kisses on the first date.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah. Tongue town. Tongue town.

Tongue town. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tongue town. Tongue town.

We need to get those boys a football.

All right, showgirls. Break it up.

We got some grocery shopping to do.

Come on. Move it or lose it.

Move it or...

Lucky you're younger than me.

Hey, uh, J.T., bro,

how about, uh, lending me your bachelor pad tonight, huh?

What for?

No, I just happen to have a date

with the hottest babe in school.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're serious.

Wow, well, way to go, Mark.

Yeah, man, I'm proud of you.

You've finally grown up to be a horn dog,

just like the rest of us.

Of course you can use the pad, bro.

All right. Thanks, J.T.

And tonight, when I'm with Alana,

I'll be thinking of you.

Bro, we need to talk.

Men are scum.

They're nothing but skirt-chasing,

two-timing, lying pigs.

Bad date?

Cameron dumped me for Liz Kavanagh.

Which makes no sense.

I mean, I have a better body.

Especially in these jeans.

I have longer legs.

Especially in these boots.

except for the highlights.

Karen, has it ever occurred to you

that it just might not be about looks?

Yeah, right.

It's gotta be something.

Lips! That's it!

Well, Karen, if this guy dumped you because of your lips,

he's not worth going out with anyway.

[SCOFFS]

I'm going to my room.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Man, can you believe that Pamela Anderson

can run across a beach like that

and never be nominated for an Emmy?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

I be cool, I be bad,

I be fly.

You be Zorro.

That's right, gentlemen.

I'm coming into this date with my own spit,

and I'm coming out with somebody else's.

Hey!

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Oh, God, that's her.

Oh, man. Now I'm really nervous.

Mark, Mark, listen. Just calm down.

You'll be fine, all right?

Go with the flow. All right.

Go with the flow. Okay.

Go with the flow.

Go with the flow.

Hi. [STAMMERS] I...

Nice place.

Uh, sorry, but that's what happens

when you have lots of athletic equipment.

So... Well, do you have my English homework?

Oh. Oh, yeah, it's all done.

Uh, ten pages, footnotes, and bibliography.

Wow, that's great.

Gotta find a way to thank you.

Well, uh, a person could say "Thank you" in many ways.

A fruit basket, for example,

or a witty card, or note, or...

That works, too.

Maybe we should just, you know, get to know each other a little bit better.

Maybe share a beverage, or some pickles.

Why don't we just turn out the lights and see what happens?

Wait.

Um, you know, you'll have to excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Go fish.

Oh, man, guys. Guys.

She wants to turn off the lights and see what happens.

What should I do?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I thought there'd be a few stops along the way.

I mean, man, this, this train is like the bullet train.

She's... She's just moving way too fast for me.

She's moving way too fast for Charlie Sheen.

Mark, okay, listen. Listen.

Just go back in there, all right?

Put on some slow music, and, uh, go with the flow.

Okay. All right, I'll give it a shot.

All right? All right.

With the flow. With the flow.

Just go with the flow. Going with the flow.

Go with the flow.

Okay, I'm back with the beverages.

Oh, I, uh, see you've turned down the lights again.

Is that okay?

Oh, sure.

I'm not afraid of the dark anymore.

I got rid of that nightlight years ago.

Let me open this for you.

Oh! Oh, jeez. Oh!

It's okay. I'll just take my shirt off.

Take off your shirt?

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Here, could you hang this up for me?

Wonder how Mark's doing.

[ENGINE STARTS] Guess the date's over.

[ENGINE REVS] [TIRES SQUEAL]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I can't believe Mark didn't call me last night.

I was up all night wondering what happened with him and Alana.

Well, I know what I would do with her.

Hey, guys.

Hey, um, so how'd it go with Alana last night, huh?

Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Come on, man. I need details.

Guys, come on, just back off.

Uh, no, no, no.

At least tell me... Did you kiss her?

Well, actually, she kissed me.

She kissed you? Oh, my gosh!

Tell me, man, did you see any skin?

Well, she did take her shirt off, but...

She took her shirt off! Shh.

Who took her shirt off?

Alana Mills.

Yeah, she was all over our buddy Mark last night.

All right. Way to go, Foster.

It's no big deal.

You know, I always thought you were kind of a geek,

but I guess you're cool. Yeah.

Well, what can I say?

Color me studly, huh? Yeah.

Okay, so you're alone, her shirt's off.

What happened? Yeah, come on.

Oh, little, little boys.

You have so much to learn.

Mark. MARK: No, no, no.

Let's just say that Alana's a woman,

I'm a man,

and she wasn't wearing a shirt.

And let's just say you ran out of the room

crying for your mommy.

Oh, man.

You ran away?

Please say it ain't so.

I knew it, Foster.

You're a wimp.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, guess what, everybody?

Alana Mills took her shirt off

and Foster ran for his mommy!

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Great. Now the whole school knows.

Would you take it easy?

The whole school doesn't know.

BOY: [ON PA] Attention, fellow students.

Important announcement.

Mark Foster ran away from a girl.

It's official, he's a wimp.

Okay, Al, what's going on?

Well, come here, Dad.

Listen, I got a message that there's something wrong with Mark.

Now, what's the emergency?

Yeah, everyone's making fun of him.

Everybody always makes fun of Mark.

I know, but this time it's pretty bad.

He locked himself in his locker.

What? Here.

There's a flyer going around school.

It explains the whole thing.

[MUTTERS]

"Hottest girl in school...

"Shirt off...

"Ran like a bunny"?

"Mama's boy." Oh, boy.

Okay, I got it.

Locker number six.

Thanks, Al. I'll see you at dinner.

Sure.

Mark.

MARK: Go away.

Mark...

Frank, we're gonna have to talk later.

I'm waiting until nightfall.

Then... I can make my way home through the sewer system.

Come on, Mark. Don't you think that's a little extreme?

I mean, you're gonna have to come out of that locker sooner or later...

Thanks.

Frank, I was alone with a girl's chest.

It was everything I ever dreamed about,

and I ran like the wimp that I am.

Mark, you are not a wimp.

Frank, even the kid that walks backwards

and thinks he's Batman made fun of me.

Well, you just have to forget

about what all the other kids are saying, okay?

It doesn't matter what they say.

Now, as far as I'm concerned,

you, you were alone with a girl

who wanted to move faster than you did,

and you didn't feel comfortable with that,

so you walked out,

and I think that takes guts.

You really think so?

I absolutely think so.

Mark, is it true what everyone's saying about you and Alana Mills?

Yes, it is.

Go ahead. Take your best shot.

Would you like to go to the movies with me sometime?

You wanna go out on a date with me?

Yeah, I hear you're the only guy in school

who isn't a horn dog.

Well, that's absolutely true.

Mark here's a fine, young gentleman.

Thanks, Frank. I can take it from here.

Oh. Bye.

Would you like to walk me to Biology?

It'd be my pleasure.

Ooh!

[GRUNTS]

It's okay. All right.

Okay, look, guys. I don't have much time.

Karen is right behind me.

BOTH: What? Yeah.

I know. I know. And I...

So, look, just don't stare,

How big are they?

Hewwo.

Whoa, mama!

These burgers are good.

Uh, so, what's new?

Uh, that's a... That's a nice sweater, Karen.

Yeah, it, um, goes, uh, really well with that shade of lip size.

[SNICKERING]

Here, have some corn.

Thanks.

All right, Karen. Look.

Let's just stop pretending everything's normal, okay?

had some collagen injections, and your lips are swollen.

What'd you enhance them with, a caulking gun?

You know, J.T., shut up.

She doesn't need any of your lip.

Whoa, Karen! You look pretty cool.

Wiwwy?

Yeah. You look just like the Joker.

Okay. I get it.

I wook widicuwous.

I'm never going out in public again.

I'm compwetewy humiwiated.

Karen, it's me.

KAREN: Go away. I don't need you to yell at me.

I'm not gonna yell at you,

but I think we should talk about this.

Don't want you to see me.

I wook wike a fweak.

It can't be that bad.

Besides, collagen's only temporary.

In a couple of weeks, it'll dissolve

and you'll be back to normal.

Oh, honey, you don't have to hide that way.

It can't be that bad.

Wow.

I never should have done this.

Well, I agree.

I really don't think it's right to mess with your body that way.

I know.

Well, why'd you do it?

I guess I panicked when Cameron dumped me,

and I thought this would help.

So you did this to yourself

for a guy you went out with once?

Well, no, it's not just that.

I see all these models in magazines and on T.V.,

and I see what guys want.

They want women to be perfect.

You know, no fat,

teeny waist, big chest,

full, pouty... wips.

[SIGHS]

You know what? You're right.

Those images are out there everywhere you look,

and it stinks.

Whoever cooked up this idea

that women weren't worth anything unless they look a certain way

ought to be shot.

But, Karen, I mean,

I know sometimes you get caught up in your looks,

but if you wanna know how beautiful you really are,

you gotta look inside.

You're funny and you're sweet,

and, best of all, you've got a good heart.

That's what counts.

Wish I'd thought of that before I did it.

Now I've got to pay this off my cwedit card

and walk awound wooking wike a duck.

Yeah, but I bet

this is "wast" time you use collagen again.

Absowutewy.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right, J.T., you take the fridge, I'll take the cupboards.

Okay. Okay.

Rich! Look! Cake!

No, uh, no. Uh, J.T., come on, man.

Chocolate cake is your dad's favorite.

Oh, you leave something like that out,

you're just asking for it to be taken.

All right, let's go for it.

Yes. [ALARM BLARING]

Aah!

I think your dad's onto us.

FRANK: Ah-ha!

[TURNS OFF ALARM]

Well, well, well.

What have we got here, huh?

[STAMMERS] We were just having a little snack, Dad.

A little snack?

Do you know what I've been paying for food lately?

$900 a week.

You touch the food in this house again,

I'm gonna sic an attack dog on you.

Night. [LAUGHS]

Attack dog!

He's bluffing. Let's raid the fridge.

Come on.

[HIGH-PITCHED BEEP]

Did you hear that? Yeah.

[GROWLING]

Nice doggie.

N-Nice doggie. Nice doggie.

[YELPS]