Original subtitles

Hey, Rich. Check this out.

[SPLATS]

Uh-oh.

Brilliant.

All right, listen up, you overgrown moochers.

Carol and I are both working late tonight,

so we made a list of chores for you to do before we get home.

[ALL SCOFF]

Wash the dishes, do the laundry,

vacuum, dust, clean out the basement,

sweep the garage, mow the lawn,

change the linens, water the plants,

and whatever's growing in that bathroom upstairs, kill it,

and then clean it.

Anything else?

Yeah, scrape that pancake off the ceiling.

Done.

[SHOUTING ON TV]

[CLATTERING]

[GROANS]

I don't believe this.

I thought I left instructions

to clean this place up.

Ugh. Kids.

Looks like you got some butt to kick.

Yeah, and I'm gonna start with yours.

Now take those dishes into the kitchen and start cleaning.

Come on, J.T. Come on.

Come on, Dad. What's the big deal?

Gosh, you just told us like ten hours ago.

You know, you're right.

You guys just do whatever you want, okay?

I'm exhausted.

You can live like pigs. Wallow in garbage.

Let the rats take over.

Okay. Good night, Dad.

I'm tired of being the sheriff of Lambert county.

♪ Say hello to the town of Happy Valley

♪ Where we once shared love and respect

♪ Now a gunslinger's running the county

♪ And the place has gone right straight to heck

♪ See, the outlaw Black Bart has undone us

♪ Now the town's filled with gamblers and guns

♪ But for gosh sakes, they used to be nuns ♪

BOTH: Not anymore.

Greetings, good people of Happy Valley.

We're the newlyweds.

ALL: Bite me.

and build ourselves a little house on the prairie.

Didn't you two hear what I was singing about?

This place has gone to seed ever since you-know-who moved in.

BOTH: Who?

Black Bart Rieupeyroux.

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYS ON PIANO]

JEAN-LUC: Out of my way, Grandma.

[GUNSHOT]

I think I hear him comin'!

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Howdy.

-Who's... -That?

Why, that's the baddest gunslinger

this side of the French Riviera.

Black Bart Rieupeyroux.

Thank you.

What do you want now, Black Bart?

I want you.

I've come to demand your hand in marriage.

In fact, I'll take all the other parts, too.

I'd sooner bed down with a billy goat than marry you.

Save the kinky stuff for the wedding night.

[LAUGHS]

All right, everyone... [SPEAKS FRENCH]

If Miss Kitty will not marry me,

I will make this town suffer

like the audience at a Pauly Shore concert.

[ALL GROAN]

First, the official language

will change from English to French.

[ALL GASP]

And then instead of eating pork and beans,

you will all eat... snails and beans.

[ALL GASP]

-And then... -[ALL GASP]

Would you wait until I've said it?

And then,

to make the town truly French,

bathing will be outlawed.

-Now. -[ALL GASP]

[LAUGHS]

What do you say about that, Miss Kitty?

I say you wouldn't be actin' like this

if my beloved Sheriff Frank was still the man he used to be.

Well, why don't you go get your beloved Sheriff Frank?

Why don't you go get him? I'll tell you why.

Because he's a yellow-bellied, washed-up, gin... [MUTTERING]

ALL: What?

gin-guzzling pile of buffalo chips.

ALL: Oh.

Pa?

Pa. Pa.

Are you fixin' to get up today?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Who are you?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah. [BELCHES]

Hello, son.

Whoo-whee!

Pa, that breath of yours

could strip the makeup off of Tammy Faye Bakker!

Howdy.

We're the newlyweds.

That's so beautiful.

Are you the sheriff?

No, sir. I'm the half-wit deputy.

This here drunk's the sheriff.

Oh, Sheriff. Sheriff. You must save us.

Black Bart is gonna run the town into the ground

if Miss Kitty won't marry him.

I get the vapors just thinking about that.

You've gotta do something.

Little lady...

[BELCHES]

...let me tell you a sad story.

Uh, say there, Sheriff,

what key is that, uh, sad story in?

Well, uh, gee...

"G" it is. [CLEARS THROAT]

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

Well, you know, once upon a time,

things was good in Happy Valley.

People believed in law and order,

and everybody listened to the sheriff.

[GROANS]

And then, all of a sudden,

things went bad.

People started leavin' their toys

out on Main Street, you know?

[GROANS]

And the "crick" got full of dirty dishes, huh?

-Huh? Huh? -Huh? Huh?

Dirty dishes everywhere.

Nobody did what they was supposed to.

Got him. Okay.

And that's why, little lady,

I am the way I am.

That's why I've crawled into this here bottle of hooch.

And that's been my address ever since.

Well, I know it's tough bein' sheriff, but--

Knock it off.

I know it's tough being sheriff,

but you can't turn your back on the town.

I mean, you love Miss Kitty, don't you?

-[SNORES] -Don't you?

Yeah, of course I love her.

Who we talkin' about?

Why, Miss Kitty.

Oh, I love her.

Oh, she makes my heart sing.

Why, I'd climb the highest mountain for her.

I'd swim the deepest sea.

I...

I would crawl across a burnin' desert.

Well, then you gotta sober up.

Are you out of your mind?

Well, but you cannot let her marry Black Bart Rieupeyroux.

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYS ON PIANO]

What was that? Huh? Huh? Huh?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

But it happens every time you say "Black Bart Rieupeyroux."

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYS ON PIANO]

Somewhere in this room,

there's a little "pianer" player.

[YELPS]

Sorry.

Ooh, goodie.

Oh, but, Sheriff, you have got to save us.

You're our only hope.

Thank you.

Well, dear, if I'm your only hope,

you're up Stinky Crick without a paddle.

Wake me when "Gunsmoke" is on.

Miss Kitty, I can't believe you're marryin' Black Bart.

Well, somebody's gotta save the town,

and my beloved Frank is about as helpful

as sandpaper in an outhouse.

Ooh.

so we could get this whole thing over with.

Somebody call for a preacher man?

You're a preacher man?

Well, actually, I'm the son of a preacher man.

You must be the lucky bride.

Now, where's the groom?

Uh, Mr. Black Bart Rieupeyroux?

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYS ON PIANO]

BLACK BART: Out of my way, little girl.

I don't want no stinking cookies.

[GUN FIRES]

I think I hear him comin'!

[SPEAKS FRENCH] Howdy.

What are you looking at?

You make a lovely bride, my dear.

you filthy, pathetic sack of prairie dog puke.

This is already going better than my first marriage.

All right, come on. Let's tie the knot, sweet cheeks.

Oh.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman

in unholy matrimony.

If anyone sees fit to object,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

[ALL OBJECTING]

Can we try that again?

MAN: No, please carry on.

Oh, for a brave savior on a white horse.

The sheriff is coming.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Somebody call for a savior on a white horse?

Uh-oh.

-Pa! -Huh?

Pa, wake up!

Oh, Sheriff! Sheriff, Sheriff.

I'm so glad you're here.

Me, too.

You're a filthy, pathetic, sloppy mess,

but at least you're here.

Well, I couldn't stand the thought

of you marryin' another man,

so I cast aside my liquor and I stood up,

and then I fell down.

And then I stood up again,

and I fell down again.

Then I passed out for about three hours,

but, uh, came to, took a couple Advil, feel pretty good.

Where is this Frenchie?

Right here.

Okay, Frenchie. I-- Oh.

The only way for you to prevent this wedding

is to shoot me dead.

Ooh, there's a good idea.

Okay, I challenge you to a showdown.

A showdown? Ha!

The last time you shot a gun,

Dr. Pepper was still in medical school.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sorry.

All right, I'll show you I can still shoot.

Stand aside, wine drinker.

Well, nice shootin', Sheriff.

Well, not really. I was aimin' at the mirror.

Well, maybe this showdown isn't such a good idea.

Maybe? The man just missed a mirror the size of Cleveland!

Should we make a run for it, Pa?

Huh? Huh? Huh? Come on!

God, son, listen to me.

There comes a time in everyone's life

when a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Huh?

Wake up, son.

-Pa! -Oh.

Oh. Like I said,

that's just one of life's little do-dos.

-Excuse me. -Huh?

When you're done with Forrest Gump over there,

we have a showdown to schedule.

Let's meet here at noon.

High noon.

[ALL GASP]

[WHIMPERS]

Ninety-nine! 27! 100!

[BELL DINGS]

Maybe Sheriff Frank can stay sober.

Maybe he can beat Black Bart.

Maybe he can save Happy Valley.

Maybe we should just bend over and kiss our butts good-bye.

ALL: Well, yeah, we could do that, too.

Mm. Mm.

Hello, my luscious wife-to-be.

Don't be so sure. This dream ain't over yet.

I wonder what could be keepin' the sheriff.

[FANFARE PLAYS ON PIANO]

Oh, cool! Sheriff Frank has a theme song, too.

Oh, Sheriff.

Oh, Sheriff. Sheriff, I beg of you.

-Don't do this. -Save it, little lady.

No, no, you mustn't die for the sake of the town,

even though Black Bart wants me and nobody else.

What are you two doing after the wedding?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Confidentially, I got a wedgie

the size of the Louisiana Purchase.

Now I know why John Wayne walked that way.

Well, all right, pilgrim.

Say your prayers, law man.

Okay, barkeep.

We're ready when you say "draw."

[BOTH GASP]

[BOTH SOB]

Draw!

Oh, we knew you could do it, Sheriff.

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

But, Pa, Pa, where's Black Bart's bullet?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Way to go, Sheriff.

[GULPS]

Oh, Sheriff.

Sheriff, you are my hero.

Well, now we can get married.

Oh!

Music please.

[PIANO PLAYS]

♪ Now we're smiling again in Happy Valley

♪ 'Cause the sheriff has cleaned up the mess

♪ Well, once again we're just one big happy family

♪ And we're livin' our lives step by step

♪ Well, once again we're just one big happy family

♪ And we're living our lives

♪ Step by step

♪ On "Step by Step" ♪

Sing now, Pa? Huh? Huh? Huh?

-Snail? -Ugh.

What have you got, Sheriff?

[CHUCKLES] I've got four aces.

Well, you lose, because I've got five aces!

Well, that makes nine aces,

and that's one more then comes in a deck.

You're a low-down, rotten, dirty cheater.

Nobody calls me a cheater!

I am Black Bart Rieupeyroux!

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYS ON PIANO]

I still got it.

Well, you're going down.

Any last words?

Yeah.

-Look, it's J.R.! -Huh?

Oh, Sheriff. You were wonderful.

It's great to have you around these parts.

Well, Miss Kitty, it's great to be around those parts.

Oh, Sheriff.