Original subtitles

Carol, Carol.

Where is Frank?

I'm hoping that will cheer him up.

and then he found that gray hair on his chest,

he's all in a funk because he thinks he's getting older.

I know, but listen, Frank's funk is bunk.

And I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

am here to tell you how to bid it adieu.

Sit down. Listen to this.

I just read this article called

"Those Amazing Geezers."

"One hundred fantastic feats

"performed by people who are older than dirt."

It's going to make him realize that it don't matter how old you are.

You can still do amazing things.

You can do whatever you want.

For instance, did you know that

Nancy Reagan can pole vault over 16 feet?

And the whole time, she keeps her ankles neatly crossed.

Well, I didn't know that.

And Bob Hope can do over 900 chin-ups.

And once a week, Katharine Hepburn rides a Brahma bull.

Jean-Luc, I know... Yeah, uh-huh.

This is all very nice, but don't show this to Frank, okay?

Because I don't think his being identified

Mommy, Mommy, the most funniest thing happened at the park today.

Really? What's the most funniest thing that happened today?

Daddy was buying me ice cream,

and the ice cream man called him "Grandpa."

Oh...

Hi, Grandpa. [GIGGLES]

What's the matter, Frank? Why are you walking that way?

Did your back go out when you were playing with Lilly?

No, my back went out when I was getting a drink of water.

Bent over the fountain, I heard something snap.

The next thing I knew, there were a bunch of five-year olds standing

over me saying, "Is he dead"?

Frank, would it make you feel better to know

that Charlton Heston can pull a train with his teeth?

Honey, I'm going upstairs.

I'm gonna call Dr. Kevorkian and see if he can squeeze me in today.

[BOTH LAUGHING] Stop! Stop!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Come on, tell me. Tell me what you got me for my birthday.

No, no! There's no way that you can get it out of me.

All right, you win.

Ha! I win!

I win. I win.

We'll see about that.

Mmm-hmm. Oh, God.

That's, uh, that's my earlobe.

That is so unfair.

Now, are you gonna be a good boy

and tell me what you got me for my birthday?

Absolutely not.

[GIGGLES]

Unless you get this spot right here.

That's it.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, I'll give you a little hint, all right?

Oh, man, I'm eating here.

All right.

You're off the hook for now, but I'll be back

when Lardo, The Human Garbage Disposal isn't here.

[BARKS]

Man, she is dying to know

what I got her for her birthday, man.

Check this out, gift number one.

What's that? It's an LP.

What's that?

Never mind. It's Sonny & Cher.

I Got You, Babe.

It's our song.

Gee, Rich, I didn't know we had a song.

That's great.

Not you. Oh.

I Got You, Babeis the first song

that Dana and I heard after we said we loved each other.

Oh, that's very sentimental.

Now, where's the real gift?

Ah, the real gift. That is right here.

Eh, check this out, man.

Even says on the back, got it inscribed,

"You're the only one."

Whoa, man.

Rich, man, this thing is killer.

This must've cost you a fortune.

Sure did, about 300 bucks.

And that was two years ago.

But you weren't dating Dana two years ago.

[SCOFFS] Duh, I was going out with Caroline Fisher.

She liked it.

Right up until the point she broke up with me,

wrapped it around a rock, and threw it through my bedroom window.

But Dana will love it.

Oh, man, you're gonna give Dana a necklace

that you gave to another girl?

Man, even I'm not that stupid.

I would've gotten her a new one, but I'm broke.

Rich, trust me, this is a bad idea.

If Dana finds out, she's gonna rip your head off and use it as a purse.

Well, I don't know how she's gonna find out,

because I'm not gonna tell her, and you're not gonna tell her.

So there's no possible way she could find out.

Rich, women sense these things.

It's like they have some kind of chick radar, you know, huh?

Look, this gift is idiot-proof.

And I'm gonna be the one to prove it.

Yep, you are.

I don't know, Al, maybe I'm overreacting,

but I'm a little worried about your father.

He just seems so preoccupied with this whole age thing.

Carol, come on. I mean, my dad is a pretty stable guy.

I'm sure he's over all of that by now.

What do you think?

Well, that depends. Who are you?

No, I mean, how do I look?

I think it makes me look 15, maybe 20 years younger, huh?

I think it makes you look like Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds? Wow! Oh, that's smokin'!

Yeah. Uh, Dad, I don't think that's a compliment.

Look, Frank, I know that being called "Grandpa"

may be a little upsetting,

I know. Come on, Carol.

You wanna feel young, you gotta look young.

Hey, Mark. How do you like my threads, huh?

[WHISPERS] Mid-life crisis.

Well, hey, Frank, you know, you look great.

Very young and very...

San Francisco.

San Francisco. Cool. [LAUGHS]

Well, you ready to go to the mall?

With you? No way.

It's just, you know, I'm in the mood to walk six miles.

Cool. [CLICKS TONGUE] Catch you later.

Right. [CLICKS TONGUE] Catch you later.

but I'm scoring some tickets

to the Gin Blossoms concert tonight.

It's a hot, new rock band, honey.

All the young kids love 'em, right, Al?

Oh, yeah, Dad, yeah, yeah.

We kids think they're pretty groovy.

Solid. [CLICKS TONGUE]

I can't wait, Daddy-o.

Well, I guess Elvis has left the building.

You guys didn't have to get me a present.

Oh, well, sure we did.

We just hope you like it.

Oh! Are you kidding? I love it.

It's the right size and it's a great color

and it's just all around perfect.

So, I'd have to say JT had nothing to do with picking it out.

Well, we wanted to get you something special.

After all, you are 147 in dog years.

Happy birthday, Dana.

Happy birthday, Barky. [BARKS]

Thank you. All right, enough of this.

Now it is my turn.

Happy birthday, sweetie.

[GASPS]

That's an LP.

I Got You, Babe. You like it?

This is the most romantic present anybody has ever given me.

I can't believe you remembered our song.

Well, how could I forget the first time you told me you love me?

All right, all right.

[GIGGLES] There's more?

Oh, but of course. [CHUCKLES]

Here is something from the bottom of my heart

that says just how special you are to me.

Oh, God, it's beautiful.

And it's inscribed. "You're the only one."

Yep.

You can't give something like that to just anyone.DANA: Oh.

I can't wait to put a picture of us inside it.

Inside it?

Well, yeah, it's a locket.

Yes, you open it up,

and you put a picture of the one you love in there.

You do!

Well, crack that baby open.

No.

No, JT.

No, this is... That's absolutely unnecessary.

Rich, did you put a picture of us in there?

You are so sweet.

I've gotten a lot of presents in my life,

but this is...

That's not me.

What?

You... You mean that's Rich with another woman?

Ah!

JT, you're not helping any.

Sweetie, I can explain the picture.

Um...

You see, it was planted, um,

Mark Fuhrman put that picture there

And... Wait. Look, how stupid do you think I really am?

You thought I'd never figure out that you gave this to another girlfriend?

Um, actually, yes, he did because...

This is your last warning.

Shush. Okay.

I... I don't even wanna look at you right now.

Baby, sweetie, I'm sorry.

Don't, don't go. Dana, look, wait.

Look, your cake is here.

Thank you.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy...♪

Hmm.

Eggs. Milk.

Ooh, ham.

JT, why don't you shop at the grocery store

like everyone else who has their own apartment?

And pay for it? I don't think so.

Oh, hey, guys. Have you seen Dana?

I'm, uh, taking her to a movie.

Why not? She didn't say anything about canceling.

Uh, that's probably because she's not talking to you.

Well, look, I know Dana was a little upset last night,

but I'm sure she's over it by now.

Dana's not one to hold a grudge.

[LAUGHS]

Rich, buddy, you live in a special world, huh?

[SCOFFS] Hi! Hi, pumpkin.

You know what?

You are a lying, insensitive, selfish rat.

Honey, I can explain.

Did she seem mad to you?

I told you there were people dumber than me.

You know, Carol, I'm starting to worry about Dad.

I mean, last night he was watching Party of Five

and talking about starting a grunge rock band.

Yeah, I sure hope he gets over this I-wanna-be-young thing soon.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Oh, God, I hope he didn't buy a motorcycle.

FRANK: Hey, foxy lady!

Hey, you know, when Old Yeller went crazy, his family just shot him.

I'm thinking about it.

Hey.

Oh, God, I'm married to Fonzie.

I think he's an idiot.

I borrowed this from one of the guys on the crew.

Why don't you hop on?

Frank, get off the bike.

Okay, okay.

[SIGHS] Make it fast, okay?

Mosh pit? Yeah.

Frank, I wanna tell you something.

I love you very much. Hey, I love you, too, babe.

Hey, stop with the finger, Frank.

Well...

Carol...

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You are young.

Well, when I look in the mirror, I don't see young.

Carol, my hair is graying and I need stronger reading glasses

and I have to buy relaxed-fit jeans.

I mean, pretty soon, I'm gonna be in an adjustable bed

with my teeth in a glass watching Matlock.

Carol, you're not getting any older.

You look better than the day I met you.

Well, is gonna wanna hang around somebody like me

if I keep going the direction I'm headed.

Oh, Frank.

You know what I see when I look at you?Oh, no.

I see a handsome, young guy

who's in great shape.

Who gets better-looking every day.

Carol, my knee is gone, my back...No, no, no.

Frank, that is what I really see.

And I have to tell you something else, Frank.

Sometimes, you know, when I look out the window

when you're in the yard working with your shirt off,

honest to God, Frank, it takes my breath away.

Really? Yeah.

Why don't we give the Gin Blossom tickets to the girls, huh?

That way we'll get the house all to ourselves,

and I will take you upstairs.

And I guarantee that I will make you feel years younger.

I think I feel ten years younger already.

You know what, Dana, you don't need Rich.

In fact, I think we are all better off without men.

You know, you're absolutely right.

I mean, they're like leeches.

Exactly.

What do you think, Karen?

I think that waiter has a great butt.

Oh, no. Don't look now, leech boy is here.

Hi, Dana.

I know. I know.

I just wanted to apologize for giving you that locket.

Baby, that was the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

I just wanted to get you something,

to let you know how special you are to me,

Rich, money is not important.

I don't care how much you spend on me.

What's important is how you make me feel.

And giving me somebody else's locket made me feel like dirt.

I know, that's why I have one more thing to say before I go.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] Ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

Rich, what are you doing?

Uh, can I just put this right... Thanks.

How you doing?

Um...

Um, hi, my name's Rich. Rich Halke.

And, uh...

the woman I love.

[WHISPERS] Rich, not now.

Uh, no, no.

You see, I did something really stupid the other day.

that I had given to an ex-girlfriend.

[SCOFFS] What a loser.

I guess I deserve that, huh?

Excuse me.

Rich, come on.

♪ They say we're young and we don't know

♪ Won't find out until we grow

♪ Well, I don't know if all that's true

♪ But you got me, and, baby, I got you

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

This is so romantic.

♪ They say our love won't pay the rent

♪ Before it's earned, our money's all been spent

♪ I guess that's so, we don't have a pot

♪ But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got flowers

♪ In the spring

♪ I got you

♪ To wear my ring

♪ And when I'm sad

♪ And when I get scared

♪ You're always around

♪ So let them say my hair's too long

♪ I don't care, with you I can't do wrong

♪ Then put your little hand in mine

♪ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe ♪

I love you, Dane. I love you too, baby.

♪ They say we're young and we don't know

♪ Won't find out until we grow

♪ Well, I don't know if all that's true

♪ 'Cause you got me, and, baby, I got you

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ They say our love won't pay the rent

♪ Before it's earned, our money's all been spent

♪ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe ♪