Original subtitles

Hello, Lamberts. Hey, Rich.

Where's, uh, Dana? Upstairs.

Oh, good. I wanted to surprise her.

Check this sucker out.

Huh? Yeah, this thing has got sausage,

pepperoni, ham, Canadian bacon,

Sounds like a great date, Rich.

Dinner and a heart attack.

Rich. Uh, what are you doing here?

Oh, I thought I'd come by and surprise you,

share a pizza, and maybe go to a movie.

Oh, I wish you'd called. I already have plans.

I'm having dinner with an old friend who's home from college for a few days.

Oh. Well, what's her name?

Her name?

Jeff Burton.

Jeff. Is that short for Jeffarina?

No, you know Jeff. He was in our class in high school.

We were on the debate team together.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Jeff Burton. Jeff Burton.

J.T., remember that guy, skinny, acne case,

always walked around with a "kick me" sign on his back?

Oh, yeah, I remember that guy. He was a real geek.

Yeah! [BOTH LAUGH]

Hi. Hey.

But a gorgeous geek.

Good luck, Richarina.

Jeff, hey, come on in.

Sure. You guys ever graduate?

Yes, in fact, we're a couple of college guys just like yourself.

Really? Where do you go?

East Wisconsin U.

Yeah, it's the Harvard of the cheese state.

And yourself?

Harvard.

Jeff's majoring in pre-law.

Oh, pre-law, huh?

Well, I guess if you couldn't get into law,

then pre-law is just as good a major as any.

What are you majoring in?Me?

I'm... undeclared.

But he's, like, this close to declaring.

Uh, this close. Yeah.

This close. Uh-huh.

There's a picture of you and me when we won that regional debate tournament.

Oh. Hey, and there's us at the book fair.

Yeah, look at the caption.

"Dana Foster and Jeff Burton

[LAUGHS] Most likely to get married.

That's cute. Can I just-- Thanks.

Isn't there a page in here that doesn't have a picture of you and Dana?

Oh, hey, look, there's one of me.

Hey. "Rich Halke was voted most likely

"to end up in a Mexican jail."

Hey, that came true! Oh, yeah.

Well, uh, Dana, we got to get going.

I made reservations for us at Enchante.

Oh, that's the, uh, romantic French place.

Well, see you guys later.

Yeah, see you later, Jeff.

Dana, you guys stay out as long as you want.

9:00, 9:05, whatever.

Bye, Rich.

Goodbye... sweetheart.

I don't get it.

Right now? Your girlfriend.

Carol? Oh, honey, look.

Look, it's got, like, 78 different compartments for worms.

It's like a-- like a Ramada Inn for bait.

but Virgil called while you were out.

He's sick, and he can't go camping.

Ah, I was really looking forward to this trip.

I know, and that's why I found someone to take Virgil's place.

You did? CAROL: Mmm-hmm.

Oh, cool. Who is it?

It's-- it's that you have someone to go with,

someone whose heart would be broken if you said no,

someone who could cook the fish you catch in a nice, French sauce.

Oh, no. No, jeez. Honey, you didn't.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

And en garde.

of the camping and the fishing. We will bond.

We will get back to nature. We will live off the land

like the two rugged lumberjacks that we are.

Yes.

Thanks.

[EXHALES]

Oh, Frank, thank you for taking me camping with you.

I love this fresh, mountain air.

Gives me the appetite of Delta Burke.

Pork and beans. I don't think so.

Really, there must be a Thai restaurant

somewhere on the campground.

Uh, yeah. For Wisconsin National Forest. I need--

[STAMMERS ANGRILY] Give me that.

Now let me explain something to you, okay, Jean-Luc?

We are camping out. Camping out means getting back to nature,

and that means not bringing every modern convenience with you,

like your cappuccino machine or your cell phone, okay?

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen. Here.

We're in the woods, huh? I mean, we're gonna make our own fires,

we're gonna cook our own meals.

Okay. All right.

Yeah, well, let me warn you about something.

to put up their tents or connect their propane tanks

and God knows what else. Absolutely.

My lips are sealed. Okay.

I'm going to, uh, go take care of a little personal business.

Uh, where, uh...

Where does one take care of one's personal business?

Hi there. Hello.

My wife and I are over in the next camp site.

JEAN-LUC: I see.

You guys go camping a lot?

Well, uh, uh, no.

Well, you're gonna love it. My wife and I go a lot,

and it really cuts the stress from our jobs.

What do you guys do for a living?

We are not contractors.

No, siree, Bob. What-- the thing that we do is,

uh, a thing that would never, ever be useful up here.

What's that? Brain surgeons.

Oh, by the way, I'm Gus.

Dr. Pepper.

Rich.

Are you waiting for Dana and Jeff to get back so you can spy on 'em?

[SCOFFS] I am not going to spy on them.

Okay, that's them. Beat it. I gotta hide.

Come on. Out, out, out, out, out.

What a loser.

Lawyer says, "You think you like my torts,

"wait till you see my subpoena."[LAUGHS]

[GROANS]

Oh, Jeff.

Well, thank you for a great time.

I forgot how much fun you are.

Yeah, I forgot how much we have in common

and how great it is to be with you.

[CHUCKLING]

I know, but the law school's having a reception for possible recruits,

and the Dean wants me to go because I'm his favorite undergrad.

Hey, why don't you go with me?

Me?

You could check out the campus, see if you like it.

Come on. Go with me. You'll be back in a couple days.

Okay, I will. Great.

I'll get you a seat on my plane.

And I'll pick you up around noon.

Perfect.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

A-ha! [SCREAMS]

Rich.

[GASPS] You were spying on me?

You're darn right I was, and it's a good thing too,

otherwise you would have run off to Harvard

You know, this is exactly why

I didn't tell you I was having dinner with Jeff,

because I knew you were gonna be jealous.

Jealous? [LAUGHS] I am not jealous.

I am anything but jealous.

If there's anything I am not, it is jealous.

You're jealous. You're darn right I am.

Rich, look, it is not a weekend fling, okay?

We're just friends. Oh, just friends.

Oh, then what was that over there, that little kiss?

Kiss? [MUMBLES] That little peck?

Peck? That was a full-on cheek-suck.

Rich, there is nothing going on between me and Jeff.

I'm going to check out the law school.

No, you're not.

I mean, you can't go.

Why not?

Because I... forbid you.

You...

[CLEARS THROAT] ...forbid me?

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

You're so cute.

He forbids me.

You're a real riot.

Hello. Hi, sweetie.

All packed for your trip to Harvard?

Uh, yes. Um, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Um, how can I put this in the nicest possible way?

Why did you marry a bonehead like Frank?

Excuse me?

I mean, Frank is a great guy.

He's sweet and he's caring,

and he's very handsome,

and I'm sure the physical thing is good.

But, I mean, let's face it, he's no brain surgeon.

I'm sure there is a point to all this.

Could you get to it without insulting my husband?

I'm just saying that I'm sure there was a lot of other guys

that you liked that you dated before you picked Frank.

So how did you know that he was the one?

I see. This is not about Frank at all, is it?

Well...

was to check out the law school, but...

now I don't know.

I was up all night thinking about it,

and...

I think I kinda like Jeff.

Mmm. I see.

I mean, he's the kinda guy that I always thought I would end up with.

I mean, he's smart and he's sophisticated and he's ambitious.

And when I was with him last night,

And when you picture yourself with Rich, what do you see?

Well, Rich is great, and he's a lot of fun.

He brings out a different side of me that I kinda like.

But how do I know if he's the guy for me?

and hope that they treat you like the most special person in the world,

and you're just going to have to try to stop analyzing this thing

and listen to your heart.

I hate that.

Well, welcome to being a grownup.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi.

My husband has gone fishing

Well, I don't know what we could possibly do for you,

seeing as we are definitely not contractors.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

It's not that kind of help. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I'm having a baby.

Oh, congratulations. Now!

Oh. Oh. Sorry. Contraction.

[STAMMERS] You're having the baby now?

Yeah. I'm not due for three weeks,

but I've been having contractions for about an hour.

Oh, God, I'm just so lucky you two are doctors.

Uh, listen, why don't you come right over here, yeah?

And you can lie down in our tent,

and Dr. Lambert will be right with you.

Doctors? Well...

Someone said not to say you were a contractor,

so what was I supposed to say, Frank?

We are two male hair dressers alone in a tent?

I don't think so.

WOMAN: Oh!

Oh, God, my water just broke.

[WOMAN GROANS LOUDLY]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Now-- Now, ma'am, uh, I'm afraid that there's been some mistake.

You see, we're not really doctors.

In fact, I'm a-- I'm a contractor.

I don't care if you're Chucko the Clown.

I'm having this baby, and I'm having it now!

[EXCLAIMS] Frank. Frank.

Do something. I don't do babies.

I mean, if he comes out with hair,

[GASPS] Thank you.

Guys!

Uh, we can dial 911, and they can talk us through the delivery.

We can use your cell phone.

Oh, I see.

Now it's all right to use a modern convenience.

Get the phone and dial!

[GROWLS]

Well, I suppose next her head is going to spin around.

[SCREAMS]

Keep calm. Okay, it's all right.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hello, 911, help!

I'm having a baby.

There isn't even a Thai restaurant!

Give me that. Now get over there. Help her.

Hello. Yes, hello.

Uh, we have a pregnant woman here,

Can you talk us through a delivery?

Yes. Okay.

Uh-huh. Oh, hold on. Hold on.

Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc.

Take a look? Where?

Where do you think?

The entrance to baby land.

[GROANS] Here comes another one!

Breathe. Breathe in. Big breath.

In and out.

That's good. Okay, another one.

In... and out.

Breathe in... and out.

Not you. Will you stop it?

[BOTH ARGUING]

[SCREAMS]

Oh. Okay. Okay, okay.

Get there. Not there. Get under there.

Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss.

Miss! Hello. Hello. Yes.

I know we haven't been formally introduced.

My name, as you probably know,

is Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux, and, uh...

I'm going to have to get very, very familiar now.

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, the baby's coming! I have to push!

Okay, well, thank you very much.

Yeah, bye. All right, there's an ambulance

on the way to take you both to the hospital.

Everything's gonna be okay now.

I can't thank you both enough.

Do you think I could hold him for just-- just a minute?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Look, Frank. Isn't he beautiful?

FRANK: Yeah, he sure is.

Ah, we make a good team, huh?

In fact, if I ever have another baby,

I want it to be with you, Frank.

That come out wrong.

So, in summation, Ms. Foster,

we at Harvard are very proud of our expertise

in constitutional law, civil procedure, and contracts.

And except for that windbag Dershowitz,

we don't give a damn about the O.J. trial.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yes. I know.

So what do you think?

Well, it is really impressive academically,

but this place is what Rich would call "Butt Kisser U."

Look, I know you're going out with Rich,

and he's a nice enough guy,

but if you came here,

we could build a future together.

I mean, we have the same goals.

We're the ideal couple.

Come on, Dana.

What do you say?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi. Sorry.

Is this the Harvard Law School reception thingy?

Yes. And unless you're one of the Kennedys,

I'm quite sure you're in the wrong place.

Okay.

Ah, there she is. There's Dana. Thanks.

Dana! Dana!

Rich, what are you doing here?

Look, I'm sorry to just barge in like this,

but you gotta give me a chance to tell you how I feel about you.

Listen, Rich, this is the Woodrow Wilson room.

This is not the place for this sort of emotional outburst.

Look, Dana, I'm sorry. I don't like to say anything bad about anyone,

but this is the kind of guy who does things without thinking ahead.

He's probably never given a thought to the future

in his entire life, and he never will.

Excuse me, but I do too think about my future.

Why do you think I drove 22 hours to get here?

To make sure Dana is in my future.

Well, that's easy to say now,

I don't know.

have my whole life mapped out like you, okay?

I may not be some big-shot lawyer,

But I do know that if Dana and I get married someday,

at least I will have the time to be with her.

Rich, you've actually thought about us getting married?

Was that out loud?

Really? You love me?

Yeah, I really do.

Dana, I think about you constantly.

And when I'm not with you, it just doesn't feel right.

I know. When I'm not with you, I don't feel right either.

I love you, Dana.

I love you, too.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You picking Rich over me.

Doesn't make sense.

Well, I guess some things don't have to make sense.

They just feel right.

Oh, yeah, and Jeff?

Bite me.

I can't believe we actually convinced Rich and J.T.

to watch Terms of Endearment. I mean, you know,

normally Rich calls a movie like that a chick flick.

Well, I think we're having a good influence on the guys.

I mean, since I've been dating J.T.,

Oh, really? Huh.

but, you know, you get two guys together

and their macho instincts kick in,

and the last thing they wanna do is be sensitive guys.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

You mean... she's gonna die?

But she's so young.

She's had so much pain.

[RICH SOBBING]

RICH: It's so unfair.

So unfair.

It's so sad.

So sad.

[BLOWS NOSE]

Oh, baby. Just hold me. Hold me.

I think-- I think I need a hug.