Original subtitles

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

[GASPS] No! No-no-no!

Hey, Carol. Have you seen my sleeping bag?

Ah, it's in the garage. Why do you want it?

Oh. There's this really cool concert called Rock Festival 97.

See, 50 of the hottest bands are gonna be there.

Me and J.T. and the girls are gonna go up

and camp on this abandoned pig farm and party all weekend.

It is going to be so happening.

Yeah, and you are so not going. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Why not?

Well, let's review. Shall we?

Deviant rock bands.

A bunch of teenagers sleeping side-by-side

Without adult supervision

except for what's left of the Grateful Dead.

I don't think so.

Carol, come on.

There's gonna be, like, a zillion of us there. What can possibly happen?

What could happen? Well, let's see...

You're up there listening to a group called Moral Sewage,

and a guy named Viper comes up

and invites you to a party in his sleeping bag,

and nine months later I have a grandson named Snake Bite.

So what are you saying? We can't go to the concert?

[LAUGHS]

-Was that a no? -[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Carol.

Oh! Gosh, you haven't changed in 25 years!

Well, thank you. Who are you?

Oh! Let me see if this jogs your memory.

♪ Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair ♪

♪ Gleaming, streaming, shining, flaxen, waxin' ♪

-♪ Gimme it down to there ♪ -♪ Hair! ♪

♪ Shoulder length and longer ♪

BOTH: ♪ Here baby, there mama ♪

♪ Everywhere daddy, daddy, Hair! ♪

-[SCREAMING] -[LAUGHING]

Oh, Frank, this is Patti Pasorelli,

my old friend from high school.

-Hi. -Hi. Hi!

Well, actually, it's Patti Roberts now.

-Oh. -Oh! Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

-This is my husband. -[GASPS]

-This is Dave. -Hi!

Officer Dave Roberts. How are ya?

Oh, officer. So you're a policeman then, huh?

[LAUGHS] Yeah, 10-4, Frank. State trooper.

The big boys.

Ah.

-Well, gee, come on in. Sit down, please. Here. -Oh, yes!

-[LAUGHS] -Oh. Oh, thank you.

Well, my, my. What, uh--

what brings you all to Port Washington, huh?

Well, headquarters is sending me down to Chicago for the convention, uh,

to show off our new prototype squad car.

That baby's loaded with so much crime-fighting technology,

you could invade Baghdad with it. [LAUGHS]

See you guys later. We're going to the movies.

Yeah, we'll be able to sit pretty much anywhere we want to

because every other teenager in town will be at Rock Festival 97!

Yeah. Yeah, but don't you worry about us

raisin' all kinds of heck tonight.

We'll make sure the movie's suitable for youngsters.

Then, afterwards, we'll be down at the malt shop having root beers with Potsie.

Patti...

These are my very bitter children.

Hi. I'm Patti.

Well, they're mad at me because I won't let them go to Rock Festival 97.

-Well, why not? You and I had a great time at Woodstock. -Mmm...

Wait a minute.

Carol went to Woodstock?

Then how come we can't go to Rock Festival 97?

Oh, Al. Woodstock was...

different.

Oh, really?

Let's review. Shall we?

Deviant rock bands, um,

teenagers sleeping side-by-side, and no adult supervision

other than the Grateful Dead.

Carol, I don't think you need to worry about the kids.

I mean, it can't be nearly as wild as Woodstock.

I mean, it's not like they're gonna go up there and smoke pot

and dance on a VW van like you did.

Patti, Patti, uh...

-Patti, I think you just committed a "5-11." -What?

Getting your old friend in trouble in front of her kids.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, you think so?

Okay. Uh, well, I get it.

You got a little crazy at Woodstock,

so now we can't go to Rock Festival 97.

Oh, look. I was young. I only tried it once.

It was a very stupid thing to do,

and I just don't want the same thing to happen to any of you.

Carol. We're not going there to do drugs.

We're going there to listen to music.

Yes, well, I want to make myself perfectly clear.

I don't want you thinking because I made a mistake many, many years ago,

that you guys can do the same thing.

Carol, it's not going to happen, all right? Trust me.

Oh, I don't know.

What do you think, Frank?

Well, honey...

I appreciate your concerns,

but these are responsible young people here, and...

they know how we feel about drugs,

and my vote is that we should let them go.

Well...

-Okay. -[ALL CHEERING]

Rock Festival 97, here we come!

-We got a little time before dinner, right? -Mm-hmm.

What say we pile into the squad car and go prowling for perps?

-All right! -Can I ride shotgun?

-No, I got dibs on it. -Nuh-uh.

DAVE: If you guys are good, I'll let you wear the handcuffs.

Well, Dave seems like a very dedicated cop.

Mmm, a little too dedicated.

Sometimes I think the only way

I can get his attention is to dress up like a prowler

and break into my own house.

Sounds like fun. [LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Tonight, we celebrate the three-month anniversary

of my coming to Port Washington

with a fabulous French meal,

cooked by a fabulous French man, moi.

I hope you can come for dinner. Jean-Luc is a wonderful chef.

Hello. Do you like snails?

Of course you do. Who doesn't?

I picked them myself.

And I named them.

There's--There's Speedy.

Slimy.

Bob Dole.

Wake up, Bob.

Jean-Luc, this is my old high school friend, Patti Roberts.

Enchante.

And, Patti, this is my partner, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

-Rieupeyroux. -Rieupeyroux.

Carol, Rieupeyroux. It's pronounced just the way it's spelled.

[SPELLING WITH THICK ACCENT] Rieupeyroux.

Rieupeyroux.

It's too bad you don't use all of my consonants.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Carol, I had no idea you had a friend that was so...

-Amusing. -[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, I haven't seen her in years. I fact, I barely recognized her.

Oh! You know what?

-I should go get our old high school yearbook. -Oh, my.

-You wouldn't believe our hair-dos at the senior prom. -[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Um, Jean-Luc, I've been such a big fan of yours

ever since you did that fabulous makeover on Katie Couric.

Well, if she had silky, beautiful hair like yours,

I could have made her into a media goddess.

Really? You like my hair?

Well, yes. Your hair is so...

so silky and, uh...

It's, uh, got such gorgeous body.

I could, uh...

I could do things with you hair

that would make your lover tremble with desire.

Oh. You Frenchmen.

-You have...such a way of making a woman feel special. -Hey.

It's, uh, it's a gift. We cannot build a car worth doodly-squat,

but, uh, when it comes to women, we...

-We are the ultimate driving machine. -[LAUGHS]

You are so much funnier than my husband.

-Your husband? -Mmm.

-You have a husband? -Mmm.

Well, isn't that a fascinating little piece of information to gather.

After I've already dazzled you with my boyish-charm.

[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me.

No, I don't think so.

You know... [CLEARS THROAT]

Maybe I shouldn't go to Chicago with my husband.

I mean, it's so much fun...

being here with you.

Ooh, you have very strong shoulders.

I like that.

-I think maybe you just hold this for me? -Where are you going?

Well, uh, I think one of my snails made a break for it,

so if I hurry up, maybe I can catch up with him.

-[CRUNCHING] -Uh-oh.

Bye-bye, Bob.

[BAND PLAYING]

Well, I guess...this is it.

Oh, man. This is so lame. We're like a mile and a half away from the stage.

Yeah, I wanted to be close enough so Lenny Kravitz could sweat on me.

Here, Karen, tell you what. Use the binoculars.

When Lenny comes on, I'll toss a cup of water in your face.

but Rich and I are gonna go sneak backstage.

[SCOFFS] Oh, really? How are you gonna manage that?

We're gonna disguise ourselves as roadies, man. Check this out.

Yeah, bro! Let's crank up the amp

and run some cable over to that... thing-a-majig.

Excellent. Party on, dudes!

[IMITATING GUITARS]

Hey, Al.

-Hey, Will. I didn't know you were going to be here. -Yeah. Everybody's here.

-Hey, I'm Will. -Oh, sorry.

Uh, these are my sisters, Dana and Karen.

-This is Will Peters. -Hey.

Hey.

So great concert so far, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I came with my uncle.

He gave something that I think will make it even better.

-What? -Come on.

Come on.

This.

-Marijuana? -Shh!

I don't think so.

Look, I never thought I'd try it either,

but my uncle brought a whole bunch of it, and it's free.

No, thanks. I'm not into it.

Hey, no problem. But if you change your mind,

the party starts at my uncle's van in about ten minutes.

Okay, um, cool. I might join you.

Cool. See you.

Bye.

Al, are you serious?

You're thinking about trying pot?

Yeah. Why not?

The president of the United States tried it.

Hey.

The President did not inhale.

Yeah, right.

Well, I mean, second of all,

the pot today is, like, ten times stronger than it was back then.

Plus there are very serious beauty issues at stake here.

Number one, smoking pot takes the moisture right out of your skin.

Number two, it can leave you with premature crow's feet from going like this.

Karen, let me handle this.

You know, Dana, spare me the--the "just say no" speech, okay?

I'm not gonna lecture you.

It's not like you're the only person I've ever known who wanted to try pot.

I had this friend in high school, Adam Wall.

Smart guy. Debate team. Wanted to be a lawyer.

Of course, then he started smoking pot all the time, dropped out of school,

started dealing, and got arrested.

I know how it's addictive, it's illegal, it can lead to harder drugs,

but I'm talking about trying it one time.

And this is my life, and if I want to do it, I will. Okay?

Dave.

-[WHISTLES] Hey, look. -[MUMBLING]

That's me. In my cheerleading uniform, huh?

Hey, Frank. Could you give me some of that runny cheese?

Now, for the piece de resistance, petite filet mignon.

The choicest fresh cut.

Jean-Luc, you have been slaving over this dinner all day.

Come. Sit down next to me.

Is that okay with you, Dave?

Yeah. Come on. Have a seat.

Okay. I accept your friendly,

completely non-romantic invitation.

-[LAUGHS] Jean-Luc, you're so funny. -[SCREAMS]

I think it's time for a toast.

Everybody, let's drink to fraternity, equality, and fidelity.

Everybody clink. Clink, clink, clink.

[SIGHS] Okay.

-I'm gonna go check the creme brulee. -Mmm.

I think I'll help.

-[TAPPING] -It's good meat.

[GROANS]

You know...

I just love desserts that are hot--

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

Well, I think I've ruined my creme brulee. So there's nothing for it.

I must go to the nearest creme bruleestore.

There's no creme bruleestore.

Well, of course there is. Uh, It's new.

It's called the International House of Creme Brulee.

You know, the "IHOCB."

I'll just go with him.

-Jean-Luc, wait. -Uh, Patti. Stop, okay?

This is not going to happen. This is not going to happen.

The last thing I would do is get involved with a married woman.

Okay, the last thing I would really do is put a live lobster in my shorts,

but this is close.

Okay. I know that I shouldn't be flirting with you, but...

I don't feel like I'm married.

I mean, my husband doesn't even look at me.

It's like I'm invisible.

[SIGHS] Okay, look. Come over here. Sit down.

Come on. We'll talk about this.

-Come on. No, it's-- -No, no, no--

Let me ask you this...

you love your husband?

Yeah. I mean, I know it's hard to believe, but...

underneath that knucklehead,

there's a sweet, sensitive guy.

We used to go for long walks, and...

he was happy just to talk to me.

Well, why you don't just, uh, tell him that you really miss that guy?

You really wish that guy would come back?

Yes, but I don't think he's the kind of man

that is going to respond to a hint.

I think you need to sit him down

and look him in the eye and say, "I love you.

"We have a problem.

I want you to pay attention to me. Then we have no problem."

Do you think that would work?

Well, it's either that, or smack him upside the head with a two by four.

I really do think it will work.

In fact, I give you the Rieupeyroux guarantee--

eternal marital bliss,

or free haircuts for the rest of your life.

-Either way, you're a winner. -[SIGHS]

Okay.

-Okay, yeah. -I-I-I--

-I'll give it a shot. -Good.

-Okay. -Good. That's good.

I'm going to go in the other room and get Dave.

Jean-Luc...

Thank you.

You're a really nice guy.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Don't spread it around. Women love a bad boy.

Dave? Dave. Hi. Um...

You--you need to go into the living room and talk to Patti.

-I'm eating. -Not anymore, steak boy. Come on.

You see, there's a domestic dispute in the living room, and you're part of it.

[FORK DROPS] Something wrong with Patti?

That's a big 10-4, Robo Cop.

-What's going on? -[SIGHS]

Carol, it's a long story.

But, basically,

Dave has not been paying enough attention to Patti,

and--and she made a...

she made a pass at me.

Actually, that is the story.

Anyway, let's just eat.

I tell you, these mushrooms are incredible, Jean-Luc. What is your secret?

They're snails.

[MUSIC PLAYING, CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, Will.

Welcome to the party, man.

Come on in.

You can call me Buzz.

[COUGHS] Hey, Buzz.

Woah!

My hand's on backwards.

It's okay. I fixed it.

Eh, it's okay. Now...

Rock Festival 72,

that was a total kick-butt party.

Uh--uh, Rock--Rock Festival 72?

Yeah.

Um, how old are you?

35.

No, wait...

51.

I don't know. I kinda lost track.

That's how good this stuff is. Help yourselves.

I smoked, like, half of one joint...

and right now...

my feet are totally paralyzed.

-Your feet are paralyzed? -Totally.

This won't even hurt. Watch.

[LAUGHS] No wonder I didn't feel it.

It's not my foot. Man...

This stuff is really good.

Uh, you know what? I...

don't wanna smoke pot.

-Me neither. -Fine.

Do your own thing.

I'll just stay here and...

fix my other hand.

Hey, Karen. Dana.

Hey, Al.

You have nothing to worry about, Dana. I didn't do it.

Like I said, I'm not your mother.

I'm not gonna check up on you.

She's clean. [LAUGHS]

[THEME FROM PINK PANTHER]

Freeze! Police!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[PANTING]

[LAUGHS]

[PANTING] One more time, huh?

Just one more time, then you can go to bed.

Okay, uh, put this on.

You're weird.