All language subtitles for K.a.P.S03E10.Black.Ice.1080p.BluRay.DDP.5.1.H.265.-EDGE2020_iris2

I'll tell you one thing--
When the Unsullied

make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.

Wait, wait, dude, hold up.

- It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.

Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.

- I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.

Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "peace."

You know what I'm saying?
Like--

Jordan, right now--
like, right now-- you must listen

to how this white dude
is talking to black people.

Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.

I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.

- No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."

I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.

He puts the pussy
on the chain--

That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.

What's up, girl?

He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.

Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.

Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.

- Hey!
- I can't.

Hey! how's it going?

- Key and Peele, right?
- Good.

So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.

You guys rock.
Awesome.

Yo, Kevin,
Let me get some red vines!

- Want to get out of here?
- Yep.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Thank you so much.

I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- And I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.

Thank you for coming.

You know what
we're fed up with?

The news.

Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.

- The news is annoying to us.
- Right.

The way that the news stations
are getting their news now

is just basically
from the internet.

Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPads

at the desk.

Uh, next we will discuss
a new way

to double your penis size...

That is...

My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.

And if a guy came
on the news and said,

"There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"

my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."

Mm-hmm.

Then be like, "and we'll
be back with more news

on the Nigerian Prince
who needs some money."

"But first...

a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."

Oh, oh, let this one guy
be white, please.

"where-- where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."

Might be white!
Might be white!

Might be white!

Might be white.

"and a pack
of Now and Laters."

Damn it!

Good evening, St. Paul.

It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.

And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.

Winter weather advisories
are in effect

across Central Minnesota
tonight.

With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.

Isaac.

Thanks, Marcy.

A major system
is zipping across the region.

Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,

but it feels like 20 below.

Jamie.

Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.

Lots of reports
of black ice.

Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.

It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.

That's right, Marcy.

Keep your loved ones safe
and warn them

to stay off the street
tonight

because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.

Isaac.

We have Channel 17's
field reporter,

Darren Hepner, with more.

Darren?

Yeah...

I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,

where there are currently
no cars on the street

due to, uh...

hazardous
driving conditions.

Darren, are you
talking about black ice?

That's right.

Ooh, jeez,
it's frightening

Just to even say
"black ice."

It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.

A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorized

by the appearance
of black ice.

Well, one must
keep in mind that,

just because black ice
looks different than white ice,

it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.

Also, one must remember

how hard it is
for black ice to survive,

what with the authorities
trying to destroy it

with the snow plows
and salt trucks,

but black ice perseveres.

Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.

And as you can see
right now,

the city
is being controlled

by lots
of oppressive white snow,

making it hard
for all people to advance.

And we don't hear
much "news" about that,

Now, do we?

No, we do not!

Well, thank you very much,
Brother Darren.

But let's be honest--
Black ice is the real menace.

Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,

walking away
from an A.T.M. machine,

when black ice
just snuck up on me

and practically robbed me
of my balance.

Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.

Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snow

doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeing

what's really going on.

All I'm saying
is I can't think

of a single Christmas song
about black ice.

Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...

Well...

For the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.

No, it did not!

It's a product
of the environment.

Ooh, Hallelujah!

In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.

The road
landed on black ice!

Whoo! Amen!

Okay.

Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?

Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.

I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.

Um, wha--you know--

Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,

I never met him,
but I hear he left

some pretty big shoes
to fill.

Let's get one thing
straight.

You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.

Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.

Fill Jimenez's shoes?

The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.

I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.

I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.

The best!

Okay.

Uh...

So these prostitute murders--

Um...
Seems like a serial killer.

Could be.

I actually
worked out a theory.

I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.

You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,

like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?

Not on your ass.

Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.

You think you're Jimenez?

Absolutely not.

You're goddamn right
you're not!

I just said I'm--

Jimenez
would've busted 20 perps

in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pants

over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.

Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.

You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?

What is going on?

- You want to be their daddy?
- No!

You know what?
I think--

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

- Not Jimenez.
- Oh...

Jimenez got off
on the right foot

every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...

Uh-huh.

Which is more
than I can say

for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.

- What?
- Jimenez wannabe!

I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!

Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?

There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.

Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?

I don't know.
You said--

Smurf pecker!

Okay, I'm out.
I can't--

I can't make this work.

Jimenez
would've made it work.

Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.

Jordan, would you say that

there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,

Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?

- Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.

There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.

Not only is it far, far away,

it's clearly
a long, long time ago.

Right.

So last year we had--

we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.

Mm-hmm.

And he's
in Empire Strikes Back.

And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,

'cause my man just
walks up talking about,

"Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."

And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.

My man had the first
purple lightsaber.

Yeah.

How you gonna
give Mace Windu

a grape-flavored
lightsaber?

What?

Lando! What?
Oh, snap!

Yo, Lando!

Yo, Lando Calrissian!

Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.

Oh... dude!
Lando!

Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!

That's you, man!

You out there just--

Swoosh!

Well, you know,
I-I do my best.

Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.

Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.

Straight up, though--
Straight up, man.

You an inspiration
to all of us, man.

You insp-- you're the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.

- Man, I ain't even joking, man.
- That's nice.

- But, yo, ideally, though?
- Yeah?

Ideally--
On an ideal situation,

I would be doing
like what you're doing.

I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambers

of Cloud City, dog.

Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.

Yo, right on, man,

'cause they got me
in the carbonite room

right now, son.

That's bull[bleep], right?

They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.

Yo, I ain't no pig,
you know?

And you ever notice, man,

there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space.

Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.

You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.

I just think it's
really, really difficult

to get to this level.

You've got to understand
the politics of the Empire

and, at the same time,

all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.

- All that, man, all that.
- You've got--

All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.

But ideally, though, man?

Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you--

we should, like, do something
together, though, man,

'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,

I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.

My friends was like,
"Man, you should be piloting

one of the X-Wings,"
right?

And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,

'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,

cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-Wings come in.

Zeef, I got to go.

You should prob--
Oh, no.

Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?

'cause that's
the most important thing--

that we contact one another,

'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though?

Ideally though?

I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Millennium Falcon.

Like, that would be cool.

And, yo, let me get you my--
like, my cont--

I got my card
in here somewhere.

Man, I'm just trying

to find this, like,
pocket right here,

'cause these--
sometimes, these suits,

- they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?

Just give your information
to Lobot here,

and we'll be in touch.

Lobot?

Man, I see how it is.

I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?

Man, [bleep] you, [bleep]!

Little white-ass hair!

Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?

Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?

Outrageous.

Welcome to Metta World News.

Our top story--

The pope is thinking
of moving out the Vatican

so feral cats
can live there.

Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"

with Metta World Peace.

Thank you, Metta.

You need five
plastic grocery bags

to make
an effective parachute.

Thanks, Metta, and you will die

if you try that.

Well, that wraps up
Metta World News

for this Wednesday, November
Morning Star Cocktail Napkin.

I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.

You guys like jazz?

All right, yeah, yeah.

We just think that jazz
is really great.

It never tries
to be pop music.

It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.

"If you don't like it--

"I'm a genius."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ahh...

Wha...

We, uh--we like
to give support

to our gay brothers
and sisters.

Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation--

a lot of things
going their way recently.

Having their civil rights
movement right now.

Healthcare coming their way,
marriage coming their way.

Now they can all get
within the bond

of holy matrimony,
and then you too

can be as miserable
as the rest of us.

- That's right.
- So, by all means, please.

It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,

using the fact that
they couldn't get married

as his excuse
to not get married.

The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.

Ow, yeah.

We gettin' married!

Is that--
Is that in every state?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Hello, Lashawn.
Hello, Carousel.

Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.

Oh, what was it this time?

She says an ostrich

is going to escape
from the zoo today.

Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,

so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.

Okay, well,
better late than never.

All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.

Let's go. Mm.

Come on, go around.
Use the Force.

There you go.

Lashawn.

Lashawn, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.

It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.

- What?
- Yes.

Yes.

- Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.

I mean, we're finally

not gonna be treated
like second-class citizens.

Oh, my God, I want to see,
I want to see, I want to see.

I want-- No, don't show me.
Just tell me.

What are we covered?
What are we covered?

- How are we covered?
- It's good insurance.

- We get dental and--
- Dental!

Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.

No, Lashawn,
You got to take it--

I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.

- A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fang

for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.

You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,

- which means it wouldn't be--
- Oh, my God.

Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fang

- the president of my mouth.
- Okay.

And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!

Voice "loudened."

Yes, so I can...

♪ talk to birds

All right,
so, well, I don't know

if we're going to find a dentist
who can do that.

Also, it's not covered
in this insurance

- Because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.

- Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.

Vision!
Did you say vision?

- Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?

- Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.

I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eye

and another contact
that looks like a cat's face

that's missing an eye.

You don't wear contacts.

I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"

and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,

"I... see you."

Lashawn...

You don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason--

Well, I'm going to need
to wear contacts

when I have my eyebrows redid
because they say

that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.

You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.

I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,

so when I get mad,
I look delighted!

Do you understand
that insurance

is only
for real medical problems?

And even then,
we have a deductible.

I'm going to deduct
the fat from my ass

and put it in my "fangles,"

so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.

Okay, all right.

Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.

- What?
- Insurance is not for you

to have the bottom half
of your body cut off

and you sewn to a horse
so you can experience

- what it's like to be a...
- centaur

Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.

It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.

Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.

Sammy, please,
tell me I can.

I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.

It's not covered
by the insurance.

- Oh, Sammy! come on!
- It's not--

Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?

- Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying--

You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.

I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.

I'm gonna
have two stomachs!

I'm gonna get another stomach.

One for cherries
and one for corn.

- Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.

I'm gonna go
to couples therapy alone

- and just play both parts.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna
go to the gynecologist

and just ask questions
till I get it.

Oh, and I got
another question--

a few questions
about how many different parts

of your body
you can make blink.

'cause I want to get
my "earlids" done

and then my foot pockets.

Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking of...

where you can just put...

your keys
up by your ankles.

Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,

so when I go to a bar,
I can say,

"You want a drink on me?"

And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,

and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress up

like a normal human being.

Thank you, everybody.

You guys have--
You guys have been--

Uh, you guys
have been great tonight.

And we just wanted
to say thank you

and say good-bye
as well, and--

Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.

Good night, everybody.

♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.