All language subtitles for K.a.P.S03E08.Joke.Stealing.1080p.BluRay.DDP.5.1.H.265.-EDGE2020_iris2

Hey, man,
you got it?

Yeah, I got it.

- What you doing?
- Hmm?

What the--
What the hell are you doing?

I'm just trying
to give you the money--

Don't whisper.
Don't whisper.

Just speak like a normal
individual, all right?

Act natural,
and just give me the money.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay.
Okay, I will do that.

Thank you.

Hey, man, what's up?
What you doing?

What's with the Robin Williams
routine, man?

What's going on here?

Why are you playing
to the cheap seats?

I'm just trying to act--
I'm just trying to act--

- I'm trying to act natural.
- Well, why you jumping

in between different characters
to do so?

I'm not.
I'm not doing that.

- What am I--
- Trying to act natural.

If anything,
I'm changing my volume.

You acting like someone
who's trying to hide it.

You know who tries to hide it?

- Dudes who's buying drugs...
- (shushing)

- Try to hide it, all right?
- Okay.

You looking like the most
drug-buyingest dude in--

Okay, please stop saying
the word "drugs."

Damn!

Don't shush me.

Now just take out your money.

And fan it.

- Fan it?
- Fan it.

You know how to fan money?

- Just-- somebody might see.
- Thank you.

No.
Fan it out.

Good.

Now give it to me.
Good.

That's all there is to it.

Here come the drug machine.
Boop.

All right, now just high five
And say "drugs."

Drugs.

Unreal.
Look at these clowns.

- Those two?
- Not them.

- Them.
- Go, go, go. Drug deal!

You're under arrest!

Hands where I can see 'em,
sluts!

Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

- I am Keegan Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.

- And we are Key and Peele.
- Thank you. Yeah.

Have you ever been in a bathroom
of a baseball stadium?

- And there's this dude?
- This dude--talking about--

- We talked about this.
- There's this dude.

- Right, this guy.
- Right, this guy.

All right, fellas, tap it
any more than two times

and you're playing with it.

Now he's pretending
like it's his joke.

This joke has been around
since 1867.

Right.
Can you imagine--

If they did that
in cowboy times?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- If a guy did that in--

That wouldn't fly
the same way.

- No, it'd be like--
- It'd be like--

Well, fellas,

you tap it any more
than two times

and you are officially
playing with yourself.

That's my joke.

The right triangle's
longest side

is called the hypotenuse,

and it's this side here.

Hey, I wish I were high
on potenuse.

"I wish I was high
on potenuse."

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, Mr. Morrison,
it's very funny.

It's very funny, but let's
get back to the lesson.

We can see the longest one

where it goes
from this point--

That was my joke.

I know, man.
That was hilarious.

...triangle.
I've labeled them here

- "A," "B," and "C."
- No, but, I mean, I said that.

I said it.

I said it.
I said that.

Please, please, Mr. Jackson,
keep your comments to yourself.

Thank you.

Now the hypotenuse--

Mr. Morrison,
You really got me on that one.

Oh, so great.

Oh, oh, Principal Martel,
Principal Martel, come here,

Come here,
come here.

Tell Principal Martel
what you said, Troy.

Oh, she was talking
about the hypotenuse,

and I said, "I wish
I was high on potenuse."

I'm sorry.

He likes it.

Principal Martel's cool.

Oh, that's--
That's very funny.

Principal Martel,
Principal Martel, I said that.

Mr. Jackson,
that is enough.

- But I said it first.
- Dude, come on.

Mr. Iglesias,
Mr. Iglesias,

Yes, come in,
Come in.

Yeah.

Yes.
What's up, peoples?

- Fluffy.
- Comedian Gabriel Iglesias

is touring
the local schools today

for a charity
he's working on.

Tell him what you said.
Tell him what you said.

Uh, I wish I was high
on potenuse.

Oh, my God.
That is clever.

That is clever.
Very funny.

- No. No.
- Very funny.

Right?
Thanks, thanks.

Mr. Iglesias,
Mr. Iglesias,

I'm your biggest fan.

That was my joke.

You know,
it's not really cool, buddy,

to take credit
for other people's jokes.

Hey, listen,
funny stuff.

I'm doing this big tour
right now.

You want to see about maybe we
could talk about you opening?

I need an opener.

Um, sure.

What do you think?
Is that okay?

- Of course. Of course.
- Yeah.

What?

- Sorry about that.
- Talent, man.

It's nice to meet you.
Thanks so much.

That's like a Richard Pryor.
Get over here, man.

- Come on.
- Richard Pryor.

He deserved it.

All right, so across
from the longest side

is a 90-degree angle.

Good thing I've got
a 90-degree dangle.

Joel, stop it!
You will never be Troy!

Why are you trying
to be like Troy?

Dick.

Et tu, nerdy girl?

So the hypotenu--

What the [bleep]
is going on?

I'm gonna piss my pants.

I'm gonna piss my pants
right here.

Oh, my God!
Oh!

You ever go see black theater?
Anyone?

Anybody go
to the black theater?

Yeah.
Black theater's interesting

because there's a very distinct
black theater style.

There's a lot
of neck acting.

A lot of neck acting.

You should be
a little overwrought

Whenever ta-- even when you're
happy, you know.

Our family will never, ever...

- ever fall apart.
- Mm.

Seems like something
one should be happy about.

I woke up today,
and I ate some cereal.

Intermission!

Oh, Othello
is my shite!

- [bleep]-eth, yeah.
- Othello, mother[bleep]!

[bleep],
you dead, white person.

Oh, this play doth seem dope

- to me, Martinsia.
- Verily, Lashawnia.

Verily.
Yo, and 'tis about time

Shakespeare doth scriven
the play that places a brother

- amongst the firmaments.
- That's my shite!

Oh, who's your favorite
character?

- Mine's Othello.
- Oh, 'tis mine as well.

- 'tis mine as well.
- Because they got Othello

as a general.
I'm saying, helleth, yes.

And Othello did the beast
with two backs

with that comely white maiden,

and didst not anyone
speaketh against him.

- Mm.
- He straight pimpin'.

Methinks things are looking up
for people of the darker hue.

- Damn straight.
- Hoo.

♪ Hey, nonny, nonny,
talking hey, nonny, nonny ♪

- Come on.
- Oh, hey, Martinsia.

- Mm.
- Wouldst that I could borrow

a couple of ducats
to purchaseth a capon

from yonder concession?

Pssh, Moor, please.

You know I got
a concealed cornish game hen

- up in my doublet.
- Ooh, alloweth me to partaketh

- up in this bitch.
- Okay, okay.

Get in there.

The second act
is about to begin.

Come on, y'all.
Y'all heard the ursher.

If I know Shakespeare,
Othello's about to kill

everybody up in this bitch.

No, no, no,
Mm-mm, I hateth this play.

How they gonna kill Othello?

Man, that trifling ass Iago,
I knew he was up to something.

They should have killed him
in the first act.

How they gonna kill Othello?

How Othello gonna do himself
in with a dagger,

- how doth that happen?
- Let me tell you something,

if a brother kill himself
every time he broke up

with a white bitch, this world
would be bereft of brothers.

You'd be talking
to a skull right now.

- Okay?
- Where's Shakespeares at?

- Shakespeares.
- Oh, he's right there.

Prithee.
Prithee.

Make way.
Prithee. Make way.

Be gone, Sire.

- You killed Othello!
- A black man got it going on,

and you shuffle off
his mortal coil?

I say unto thee
that's a tragedy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, 'tis that not

the troubadour Kanye
of the West?

What? Where's--
Wait.

Truth be told, my lords,

'tis not I who penned
this dreadful play.

- 'twas Christopher Marlowe.
- Nay, nay, nay.

- Yes, it was.
- Thou already tried to use

that line of argument
when the Jews wanted

to kick your ass
after The Merchant of Venice.

We doth not purchase it,
Slick Willy.

We doth not purchase it.

Be calm, my good lords.

'twill not be long
before another black hero

graceth the stage, and now
if you'll let me take my leave.

Not so fast.

You going to write
that hero now.

Verily that, mother[bleep].

That John Shafte
is one bad mother--

Shut that mouth.

- I just speaketh about Shafte.
- Mm.

Yo, Levi, man.

Just won $10
on this scratch-off, homie.

Pssh, man,
quit pulling my dick.

- What?
- Come up in here lying to me.

I ain't buying it.
You pulling my dick.

First of all,
I ain't lying to you,

And, second of all,
that's not the phrase.

Come up in here, piss on my
dick, tell me it's raining.

Piss on my leg,
and tell me it's raining.

Oh, I see, now you gonna piss
and pull on my dick?

Come on.

Do you understand that you got
all your [bleep] wrong?

No, actually,
you got it wrong.

Yeah.

- I--
- Yeah, see?

You ain't even got a dick
to stand on.

Okay.
Okay, let me ask you a question.

What do you call those little
plastic building blocks?

What you mean,
Dickos?

Name a famous comic strip
detective.

Leg Tracy.
What's with the questions, man?

Do you know the name
of a giant cartoon rooster?

Foghorn Dickhorn.

Okay, you done.
You done.

Give me that.

All right.
Yo, you just gotta--

You gotta leave now, huh?

Just 'cause I got
a dick up on you?

I'm a-leg-ted to marijuana.

You guys know this rule
in football,

excessive celebration, right?

That a player can get
a penalty flag

for celebrating excessively
in the end zone.

What I don't understand is,

they're so disciplined
to learn the skill

of playing football,
you'd think they'd have

enough discipline to get in the
end zone and just be like...

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

If anything,
doing the Funky Chicken

after you get a touchdown
exemplifies the fact

that you didn't expect you
were going to get a touchdown.

It would be so much cooler
if you just ran--

You should just score
a touchdown, be like,

"Boop,
this is what I do every day,

"[bleep] it."

And we're coming to the end
of the first quarter

with the Rhinos in the red zone
for the first time.

Gotta say, Bill, I like
watching these Rhinos.

Ransom takes the snap,
drops back with good protection,

and that's a completed pass
to a very wide-open

Hingle McCringleberry,
the rookie out of Penn State.

Nice grab by McCringleberry.
You think he's happy?

Oh, boy, he is loving it
down there.

Oh, we got something
of a shooting gallery going on.

Yeah, look at that.
Boy, that is something, and--

Oh, wait, we've got
a flag there.

Is that
for excessive celebration?

Oh, see, I'm not sure
about that call.

I don't know, Bill.
That was three pumps,

and the rulebook says
you cannot have more than two.

Oh, my gosh,
but look at the kid.

He's pleading his case
with the ref.

Pleading his case.

Yeah, clearly three pumps.

Coach Hohnson
definitely not happy

- about this call.
- Two pumps!

Five minutes
into the fourth quarter,

Third and ten, the Rhinos again
threatening to score.

Can the Cougars hold them?

Big play coming here, Bill.

Ransom takes the snap,
drops back,

He floats one
into the end zone,

and McCringleberry
pulls it down.

- He's got it.
- Oh, my gosh.

For his second touchdown
of the day for this rookie,

he has gotta be feeling great
about himself.

Nicely done.
I'll tell you, man, he's--

Oh, oh, see,
now there's two pumps.

Yeah, he's really testing
the boundaries,

and he's clearly
gotten the ref's attention here.

A third pump will draw a flag
no matter what.

See-- oh, he just did it again.

Now what is that,
the second time?

Now you have
to flag him on this.

Yeah, he had to.
You know, Bill,

It's just frustrating
seeing young players

without the ability
to restrain themselves.

No, it really is.
It's hard.

I mean, the ref's
gonna get you every time.

Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.

See, now the ref agrees
that's three pumps

Right there.

And the quarterback Ransom
under center.

Last five minutes of the game.

The Rhinos
are marching here again.

Hard to stop this team
from scoring, Bill.

They have so many weapons.

Ransom takes the snap.

And it's a shovel pass
to McCringleberry, who--

He's at the 10.
He's at the 5.

- And touchdown, Rhinos.
- Oh, my.

Great block by Hardunkichud,
and that's gonna be

tough for the Cougars
to come back from.

Boy, what a career day
from Hingle McCringleberry,

The rookie out of Penn State.

Oh, he was just amazingly
fired up here today, Jim.

You gotta love
the way this guy plays,

- and he--
- Ohh.

- See, now there's one pump.
- Uh-oh.

I cannot believe this kid.

You got to put your team first
in situations like this,

And McCringleberry's
just not doing that.

Now there's two.
Jeff, now if he pumps

a third time,
he will draw his third penalty

for today.

Everybody here waiting
with bated breath.

- He did it.
- Oh, did he?

- Yes, he did it.
- Oh. That's just--

- Couldn't help himself.
- That's just amazing.

I mean, come on,
in professional football--

- it's a shame.
- That's what it is.

- Yes, yes, it is.
- You can argue all you want,

but the flag, well,
it's been thrown.

That's right.
If it's three pumps,

The ref's
not gonna take it away now.

No, he's not.
Duration and intensity

- doesn't make any difference.
- Well, Jeff, let's have a look

at the replay here
to see if indeed he did do

- the three pumps.
- All right. No question.

- There is the first one, right?
- Yeah. Agreed.

And then coming up

- is the second one.
- Okay.

Yes, very clear.

- It's the third--
- We'll see it.

- It's coming up right here.
- I'm just not sure.

Oh, yeah,
you're right.

There's absolutely
three pumps there.

- Oh.
- Uh, apologies to all

those watching
with young children.

Clearly unintentional.

Our writing assistant James,
he's a white guy,

And, you know, he basically--
his job is to kind

of read back stuff
that we write,

and so sometimes
we'll just mess with him

by just, like, putting
the N-word in a sketch,

like, 50 times.

He does everything
in his power

to be politically correct.

James, read that back to me,
read that back to me.

He's like, "All right,
well..."

I gotta hear that back.
Quick, quick, fast, fast, fast.

Read it fast,
Read it fast.

- Uh...
- Rapid-fire, rapid-fire.

I'm gonna read it with you.
I'm gonna read it with you.

What's up, my unh?

Ain't nothing wrong, man.

I'm just hanging, my [bleep].
What's going on?

Just unh, please.

Don't go next door.

There's some crazy [bleep]
over there.

Uh, you got that right, unh.

Marjorie,
I'd love a cupcake.

Thank you so much
for coming today.

As you know, every year
the vice president hosts

The annual company luncheon,
so I brought you here

to make sure that none
of my material could be

in any way misconstrued

as sexist or racist
or homophobic.

So, if you hear anything that
could be in any way offensive

to anyone,
just raise your hand, and--

Oh, I haven't
really started yet.

Did you find something
offensive?

The fact that you think
I need a man's permission

to raise my hand
is insane.

I can raise my hand
whenever I want to raise my hand

because I'm a free woman.

So I should just raise my hand

like this, like a big, old black
power fist, yeah, huh, boss man?

Is that what you want from me?

Is this what you wanted?

A floppy gay hand

just floating around
in the air.

Well, here you go.
here's my floppy gay hand

at the end
of my limp, gay wrist.

- Happy?
- No.

Jesus, no.

Wow, what?

Why not "Mary, no,"
Or "Rachel, no,"

Or "Bathsheba, no"?

Why does it have
to be Jesus, a man?

And are we talking about
the Jesus that accepts everyone

or the Jesus who doesn't believe
people should be able to love

who they love?

Oh, maybe I should just break
out in some gospel songs,

screaming and hollering
and hooting,

"Oh, Lordy, Lordy."

No, this isn't the speech yet.

Can I just do the speech?

Oh, you want this bitch
to shut up?

- Is that it?
- What's the matter?

The black guy's
making way too much noise

in your movie theater,
Massa?

Forgive me for lisping
And lilting through your speech.

- No, I just meant--
- Whoa!

What's with the hands, man?
I ain't gonna shoot ya.

What, are you gonna grab
my breasts now?

Protect yourself
from the gay invasion.

- Guys.
- Ho, "Guys," should I leave?

Sorry, men and women.

Let's exclude everybody
who identifies themself

as something else
because they're not people!

I meant people.

Whose people?
My people?

Do I speak
for my people?

- All right.
- More like "All white."

More like "No rights."

More like "Women are
second-class citizens, right?"

Okay, stop, men, women,
people of all ethnicities,

genders, sexual orientation,
religion,

can I please just get
to my speech?

Fine.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, here goes.

A Chinaman, a Pollock,
and an Arab walk into a bar--

I love Arab jokes.

Ching-chong,
bring it on.

You had me at "Pollock."

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

Every day our citizens improve
the lives of those around them.

Today we honor Troy Morrison.

Now Troy was in geometry class

when his teacher mentioned
the hypotenuse of a triangle.

Troy said, "I wish I was high
on potenuse."

That really cracked me up,

and it cracked up
the rest of America too,

so today I'm pleased
to present Troy

with the Congressional
Comedy Medal of Honor.

Troy, on behalf
ff the entire country,

I just want to thank you

for your fantastic,
off-the-cuff line.

you are a true comedy hero.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

And also, Mr. President,
I have something for you.

What's that?
Oh! He got me one.

Yes.
These are sold out.

I haven't been able to get
my hands on one of these.

Thanks, Troy.
Oh, my God.

"High on pot-enuse."

We killed that last one.

Talkin' about
ah, ah, ah!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Come on, come on.

That's excessive.
That's excessive.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.

♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.