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1
00:00:01,023 --> 00:00:02,853
The power of Christ
compels you!
2
00:00:03,092 --> 00:00:04,321
[bleep] your mother!
3
00:00:04,403 --> 00:00:05,749
The power of Christ
compels you!
4
00:00:06,165 --> 00:00:07,736
The power of Christ compels you!
5
00:00:07,753 --> 00:00:09,040
Your mother's in Hell!
6
00:00:09,047 --> 00:00:11,056
The power of Christ
compels you!
7
00:00:12,598 --> 00:00:13,898
I'll suck your [bleep].
8
00:00:13,966 --> 00:00:16,801
Let me suck your [bleep],
mother[bleep].
9
00:00:24,126 --> 00:00:25,457
Could you please
clear the room?
10
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:49,426
Yo!
11
00:00:53,297 --> 00:00:55,432
Thank you so much.
12
00:00:56,049 --> 00:00:57,801
That was scary...
13
00:00:57,868 --> 00:00:59,757
before it got offensive.
14
00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,201
Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
15
00:01:03,234 --> 00:01:05,227
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.
16
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:06,373
Thanks for coming out.
17
00:01:07,638 --> 00:01:08,671
Thank you so much.
18
00:01:08,705 --> 00:01:09,770
Happy Halloween, everybody.
19
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:10,744
- Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.
20
00:01:10,782 --> 00:01:12,348
- This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.
21
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,532
- Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
22
00:01:14,551 --> 00:01:16,752
Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.
23
00:01:16,891 --> 00:01:18,191
And there's
several different kinds.
24
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,567
- There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.
25
00:01:19,605 --> 00:01:22,861
There's the kind where
there's little Asian children
26
00:01:22,951 --> 00:01:24,297
that sound like Penelope Cruz.
27
00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:25,559
Yup, yeah.
28
00:01:27,539 --> 00:01:29,173
Well, you know what?
My favorite...
29
00:01:29,191 --> 00:01:31,881
My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.
30
00:01:31,902 --> 00:01:34,917
- Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,
31
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:37,907
I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.
32
00:01:37,951 --> 00:01:39,596
I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,
33
00:01:39,635 --> 00:01:42,864
There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.
34
00:01:44,933 --> 00:01:47,560
And 90% of them were
under the age of four.
35
00:01:48,491 --> 00:01:51,059
And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,
36
00:01:51,266 --> 00:01:54,035
like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,
37
00:01:54,035 --> 00:01:55,121
- at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.
38
00:01:55,217 --> 00:01:58,648
Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."
39
00:01:58,694 --> 00:01:59,843
The entire mexican family,
40
00:01:59,864 --> 00:02:01,789
"Oh, no, [bleep] this.
We don't [bleep] with that."
41
00:02:03,888 --> 00:02:05,655
- Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...
42
00:02:05,671 --> 00:02:07,839
Oh, come on, this is...
43
00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:09,231
This is ridiculous.
44
00:02:09,261 --> 00:02:11,480
They're all leaving,
the whole family.
45
00:02:11,481 --> 00:02:13,542
- This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.
46
00:02:13,564 --> 00:02:16,164
It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!
47
00:02:16,186 --> 00:02:17,882
Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?
48
00:02:20,851 --> 00:02:22,550
Oh, here we go, we got more.
49
00:02:23,593 --> 00:02:24,454
Hey!
50
00:02:24,813 --> 00:02:27,323
What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.
51
00:02:27,391 --> 00:02:30,106
Yes. Fangs for coming.
52
00:02:31,329 --> 00:02:32,629
Have a bloody good time.
53
00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,961
Awesome.
Oh! Oh.
54
00:02:34,995 --> 00:02:36,134
♪ Hee-hee! ♪
55
00:02:36,134 --> 00:02:38,564
There he is.
What's up, Noah?
56
00:02:38,608 --> 00:02:40,476
♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Michael Jackson.
57
00:02:40,519 --> 00:02:42,443
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Oh, here it is.
58
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:44,986
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Yeah, that's what he does.
59
00:02:44,986 --> 00:02:46,822
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- That's Michael Jackson.
60
00:02:46,836 --> 00:02:48,170
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- All right.
61
00:02:48,170 --> 00:02:51,034
- ♪ Hee-ee hee! ♪
- Great!
62
00:02:51,085 --> 00:02:52,376
- Ow!
- Nice.
63
00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,634
♪ Ow! Sham! ♪
- Oh, there we go.
64
00:02:54,644 --> 00:02:56,678
- ♪ Sham! ♪
- There we go.
65
00:02:56,678 --> 00:02:59,123
- ♪ Sham! ♪
- All right, three's the charm.
66
00:02:59,165 --> 00:03:00,165
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- Four.
67
00:03:00,171 --> 00:03:01,071
- Ha!
- All right, well...
68
00:03:01,071 --> 00:03:04,293
- Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.
69
00:03:04,294 --> 00:03:05,694
- Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.
70
00:03:05,725 --> 00:03:07,729
- Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?
71
00:03:07,762 --> 00:03:10,359
You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.
72
00:03:10,377 --> 00:03:11,783
- Very nice Ha!.
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
73
00:03:12,495 --> 00:03:14,149
- Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!
74
00:03:14,149 --> 00:03:15,858
- More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!
75
00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:17,779
You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.
76
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:18,935
- You're really getting...
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
77
00:03:18,947 --> 00:03:20,214
No more "sham on"s.
78
00:03:20,226 --> 00:03:21,059
♪ Hoo hoo! ♪
79
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:22,023
You want to come inside?
80
00:03:25,495 --> 00:03:27,830
That's annoying.
That is very annoy...
81
00:03:27,861 --> 00:03:30,706
Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.
82
00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:31,768
Ha!
83
00:03:31,802 --> 00:03:33,469
♪ Yo ! Sham on! ♪
- Great.
84
00:03:33,537 --> 00:03:35,159
Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...
85
00:03:35,204 --> 00:03:36,762
Where the children at?
♪ Hee! Hee! ♪
86
00:03:36,775 --> 00:03:38,125
- "Where the children at?"
- ♪ Jesus juice ♪
87
00:03:38,132 --> 00:03:39,435
- That's in bad taste.
- Ho!
88
00:03:43,328 --> 00:03:44,122
This isn't...
89
00:03:46,323 --> 00:03:47,823
Thriller eyes.
90
00:03:47,835 --> 00:03:49,646
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- What... what are you doing?
91
00:03:49,678 --> 00:03:52,039
- ♪ Jam it on! Jam it on! ♪
- No, you're cut of sham ons.
92
00:03:52,078 --> 00:03:53,707
I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!
93
00:03:53,707 --> 00:03:56,219
He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...
94
00:03:56,247 --> 00:03:58,748
- Okay.
- ♪ nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah... ♪
95
00:03:58,816 --> 00:04:00,316
- ♪ Nah-nah ♪
- No, he doesn't...
96
00:04:00,353 --> 00:04:01,892
I've never seen him
hit his ass...
97
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,622
- Hey. But no...
- O-oh!
98
00:04:04,631 --> 00:04:06,732
Hey... can we just... hey...
99
00:04:06,737 --> 00:04:08,004
Hey, man...
100
00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:10,392
Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!
101
00:04:11,453 --> 00:04:13,154
The [bleep] costume's
awful,
102
00:04:13,191 --> 00:04:15,226
The impression is stupid
and played out,
103
00:04:15,232 --> 00:04:16,765
Everybody and their mother
was Michael Jackson
104
00:04:16,771 --> 00:04:18,405
three years ago when he died!
105
00:04:25,987 --> 00:04:27,116
He died?
106
00:04:27,936 --> 00:04:30,552
- Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?
107
00:04:30,552 --> 00:04:31,718
Oh, Noah.
108
00:04:32,962 --> 00:04:34,423
Oh, Noah...
109
00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:35,894
♪ Boo hoo ♪
110
00:04:35,962 --> 00:04:37,796
What?
No, wait... wait a second.
111
00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:40,356
Don't sad-moonwalk away.
112
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,501
♪ Mm, boo hoo ♪
113
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:44,302
- You know what? Let...
- ♪ Boo hoo! ♪
114
00:04:44,339 --> 00:04:45,639
Happy Halloween.
115
00:04:50,776 --> 00:04:51,653
All right, listen up.
116
00:04:51,937 --> 00:04:54,172
Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.
117
00:04:54,209 --> 00:04:55,642
- Okay.
- Stay close.
118
00:04:56,658 --> 00:04:57,813
I'll get you out of here.
119
00:05:05,517 --> 00:05:07,840
Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!
120
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:10,337
They got Brad! They got Brad!
121
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,378
Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!
122
00:05:12,487 --> 00:05:13,882
Okay? We're still alive.
123
00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:15,564
- Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.
124
00:05:15,632 --> 00:05:16,200
Yeah, okay.
125
00:05:16,218 --> 00:05:18,171
We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.
126
00:05:35,846 --> 00:05:37,772
We gotta go through 'em.
127
00:05:37,811 --> 00:05:40,579
Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.
128
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,073
Go!
129
00:05:53,043 --> 00:05:55,811
- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?
130
00:05:55,909 --> 00:05:58,150
All right, let's go.
Let's go.
131
00:05:59,682 --> 00:06:01,683
This is crazy.
132
00:06:05,722 --> 00:06:07,660
- What?
- Um...
133
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:13,926
- Oh.
- Ain't that some [bleep]?
134
00:06:14,012 --> 00:06:16,963
These are some racist
mother-[bleep] zombies!
135
00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:18,469
Why would you even
lock the door?
136
00:06:18,657 --> 00:06:19,910
I mean, the window's broken,
and...
137
00:06:20,957 --> 00:06:23,125
Oh! Oh, hell, no.
138
00:06:23,193 --> 00:06:24,293
- That's...
- No, no, no.
139
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:30,222
- Oh, come on!
- What is that?
140
00:06:30,366 --> 00:06:32,081
They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.
141
00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:33,650
- That's...
- Hey, guys.
142
00:06:34,464 --> 00:06:36,137
Isn't this great?
143
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:38,200
These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.
144
00:06:38,656 --> 00:06:40,323
Come on,
we're having a party.
145
00:06:44,764 --> 00:06:46,331
The beer is here!
146
00:06:48,404 --> 00:06:50,472
And look who I brought.
Come on, man.
147
00:07:11,877 --> 00:07:13,778
You like Harry Potter movies,
right?
148
00:07:13,803 --> 00:07:16,204
I do like...
putting me on blast.
149
00:07:16,243 --> 00:07:18,177
- Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...
150
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:19,815
- Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...
151
00:07:19,824 --> 00:07:21,611
Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?
152
00:07:21,678 --> 00:07:22,997
Never read a book,
never seen a movie.
153
00:07:23,035 --> 00:07:24,917
- Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.
154
00:07:24,925 --> 00:07:26,901
- You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?
155
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,140
Mm, my friend.
156
00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:32,745
My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.
157
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,821
Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?
158
00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:36,839
That's... oh.
159
00:07:36,941 --> 00:07:39,009
- That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.
160
00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:40,447
No, you would love it.
161
00:07:40,486 --> 00:07:42,288
You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...
162
00:07:42,383 --> 00:07:44,652
- I don't think so.
- You...look, Hufflepuff.
163
00:07:44,689 --> 00:07:47,016
[bleep] Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.
164
00:07:47,185 --> 00:07:49,615
- Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.
165
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:50,862
Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?
166
00:07:53,331 --> 00:07:55,532
Okay, but do I look
in the camera?
167
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,233
No? Oh, at you?
All right.
168
00:07:57,847 --> 00:08:00,515
Like on television,
all right.
169
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,445
Now, knock it off!
170
00:08:07,550 --> 00:08:10,752
All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull[bleep]!
171
00:08:10,969 --> 00:08:13,156
God damn!
I told you they was rotten.
172
00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:21,084
I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,
173
00:08:21,716 --> 00:08:25,302
Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...
174
00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:27,392
This station's
just a formality, but...
175
00:08:27,422 --> 00:08:30,090
Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.
176
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,710
Stuff...we don't have
to show them that.
177
00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:34,601
Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.
178
00:08:34,699 --> 00:08:37,583
Why?
But I ask again, why?
179
00:08:37,654 --> 00:08:39,820
One out of five girls
in this school
180
00:08:39,941 --> 00:08:41,909
is pregnant with a demon baby!
181
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:43,106
- Well...
- One out of five!
182
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,310
- Okay.
- ***
183
00:08:45,379 --> 00:08:47,303
The babies are evil,
184
00:08:47,312 --> 00:08:50,456
But the mothers,
they're good kids.
185
00:08:50,552 --> 00:08:52,500
As we say at Clortho's,
186
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,347
"There's never a portal
that cannot be opened
187
00:08:55,349 --> 00:08:57,769
"with ingenuity and respect."
188
00:08:58,931 --> 00:08:59,517
Now...
189
00:09:02,222 --> 00:09:04,423
How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,
190
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,087
when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?
191
00:09:07,524 --> 00:09:08,991
Dime bag of pixie dust.
192
00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:10,304
Contraband.
193
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:11,766
See, here's the thing,
194
00:09:11,766 --> 00:09:13,932
The kids know
that the only way to fly...
195
00:09:13,957 --> 00:09:16,070
- Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.
196
00:09:16,762 --> 00:09:18,362
Get your ass
out my office.
197
00:09:18,473 --> 00:09:20,908
I will turn you
into a spider!
198
00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:22,686
They're good kids.
199
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,531
Hogwarts and Clortho's,
200
00:09:24,548 --> 00:09:26,850
Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,
201
00:09:26,917 --> 00:09:29,554
The best top two
wizarding schools there are.
202
00:09:30,156 --> 00:09:32,161
But you know,
out of these two schools,
203
00:09:32,227 --> 00:09:33,401
we each have a strike.
204
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:36,868
We do score a little bit lower
on standardized tests
205
00:09:36,937 --> 00:09:40,773
than hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.
206
00:09:40,819 --> 00:09:43,954
We may not have
a huge endowment
207
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:46,048
like they get
over at Hogwarts,
208
00:09:46,094 --> 00:09:48,395
and yes, some of the teachers
have to buy
209
00:09:48,431 --> 00:09:50,497
their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...
210
00:09:50,545 --> 00:09:52,114
One kid got transformed
into a cat.
211
00:09:52,119 --> 00:09:53,701
They can't even afford
to change him back.
212
00:09:53,707 --> 00:09:55,374
This young man's name
is Jamar.
213
00:09:55,677 --> 00:09:58,078
Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this
214
00:09:58,082 --> 00:09:59,749
when they're in human form,
215
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:03,539
But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.
216
00:10:04,511 --> 00:10:05,908
Sports.
217
00:10:05,954 --> 00:10:07,607
Everybody loves sports.
218
00:10:07,631 --> 00:10:08,629
- It's true.
- Not everybody.
219
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,180
The hallways are a-bluster
220
00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:12,188
with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.
221
00:10:12,213 --> 00:10:14,129
Half the team
is back here riding mops.
222
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,738
We got two little [bleep]
on Swiffers.
223
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:16,713
Lester!
224
00:10:17,565 --> 00:10:21,286
When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...
225
00:10:21,484 --> 00:10:23,027
uh, say... This mother...
226
00:10:25,264 --> 00:10:27,004
Sometimes the kids
think it's cute
227
00:10:27,052 --> 00:10:28,719
To turn themselves
into a rat,
228
00:10:29,473 --> 00:10:30,878
sneak into my office,
229
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,017
Play a little joke on me.
230
00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:33,885
Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?
231
00:10:33,906 --> 00:10:35,407
No,
that's an actual rat.
232
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,854
So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.
233
00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:39,843
- Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,
234
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:40,768
and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.
235
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:41,718
- Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.
236
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:43,116
- I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?
237
00:10:43,116 --> 00:10:44,288
We got a new receptionist
at work.
238
00:10:44,290 --> 00:10:45,724
- Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...
239
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,878
I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...
240
00:10:47,904 --> 00:10:49,213
- Yeah...oh,
she said something to you?
241
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,951
She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,
242
00:10:51,146 --> 00:10:53,381
"Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."
243
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,250
She said that to you?
244
00:10:55,293 --> 00:10:57,761
Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.
245
00:10:57,764 --> 00:10:59,564
She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!
246
00:10:59,611 --> 00:11:03,564
No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,
247
00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:05,592
She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.
248
00:11:05,617 --> 00:11:06,717
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,
249
00:11:06,742 --> 00:11:08,576
- I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?
250
00:11:08,579 --> 00:11:10,333
She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the door
251
00:11:10,359 --> 00:11:12,424
with, like, a package under her arm.
252
00:11:12,424 --> 00:11:14,458
- Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.
253
00:11:14,461 --> 00:11:16,362
And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,
254
00:11:16,387 --> 00:11:19,022
"Um, excuse me,
I think the postman
255
00:11:19,025 --> 00:11:21,954
dropped this package off
at my house by accident."
256
00:11:21,989 --> 00:11:23,501
- She said that to you?
- Yeah.
257
00:11:23,535 --> 00:11:24,884
- Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,
258
00:11:24,931 --> 00:11:26,698
I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is
259
00:11:26,745 --> 00:11:28,079
nutburgers-McLooneytunes,
260
00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:30,260
stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.
261
00:11:30,285 --> 00:11:31,885
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!
262
00:11:31,910 --> 00:11:33,585
- Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?
263
00:11:33,618 --> 00:11:35,530
- The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.
264
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,572
- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
265
00:11:37,617 --> 00:11:39,185
- Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,
266
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,585
and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."
267
00:11:42,864 --> 00:11:44,716
She smiled at you like that?
268
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,821
- How crazy is that?
- That's, like...
269
00:11:46,846 --> 00:11:48,944
That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
270
00:11:48,952 --> 00:11:51,635
Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.
271
00:11:51,635 --> 00:11:53,285
No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,
272
00:11:53,292 --> 00:11:55,776
that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,
273
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,068
or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray!
274
00:11:59,137 --> 00:12:02,296
Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."
275
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:02,979
Hey!
276
00:12:03,939 --> 00:12:05,840
You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?
277
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,167
- Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?
278
00:12:09,364 --> 00:12:11,765
- Oh, Channing!
- (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing!
279
00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,124
Channing,
what are you doing in a van?
280
00:12:13,148 --> 00:12:15,183
This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.
281
00:12:15,208 --> 00:12:16,741
- Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?
282
00:12:16,745 --> 00:12:18,943
Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?
283
00:12:18,977 --> 00:12:20,551
Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.
284
00:12:20,570 --> 00:12:22,784
- I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.
285
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:23,891
Is that a meat hook?
286
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,281
You guys know what
a Human Centipede is?
287
00:12:34,422 --> 00:12:35,489
Human centipede?
288
00:12:35,535 --> 00:12:36,464
Yeah.
You guys?
289
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:37,724
Some of you don't?
Some people don't.
290
00:12:37,749 --> 00:12:39,509
There's this movie
called Human Centipede.
291
00:12:39,523 --> 00:12:41,788
It's the most [bleep] up
horror movie ever.
292
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,378
Ever made.
Ever made, ever.
293
00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:45,722
And what happens, basically,
three people
294
00:12:45,754 --> 00:12:48,462
and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.
295
00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:50,258
- Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...
296
00:12:50,265 --> 00:12:52,499
To the next person's mouth.
297
00:12:52,826 --> 00:12:56,352
And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...
298
00:12:56,616 --> 00:12:58,515
And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,
299
00:12:58,553 --> 00:13:00,114
It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.
300
00:13:00,141 --> 00:13:01,108
She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...
301
00:13:01,153 --> 00:13:02,111
You don't want
to open your...
302
00:13:02,139 --> 00:13:03,272
No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.
303
00:13:03,318 --> 00:13:04,885
(audience ohs)
304
00:13:05,623 --> 00:13:08,144
So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.
305
00:13:08,191 --> 00:13:10,133
- On planet Earth, in real life,
306
00:13:10,186 --> 00:13:12,283
somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.
307
00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:13,550
- Yeah.
- "Let me see.
308
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,591
"I think you'll like
everything I've done there.
309
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,629
- "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.
310
00:13:17,718 --> 00:13:19,913
"Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,
311
00:13:20,224 --> 00:13:22,028
"this should make
millions of dollars."
312
00:13:25,111 --> 00:13:26,976
- I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.
313
00:13:26,987 --> 00:13:28,821
- Okay.
- See you in a second.
314
00:13:34,569 --> 00:13:35,806
Buddy!
315
00:13:36,069 --> 00:13:39,171
Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.
316
00:13:39,454 --> 00:13:41,717
My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,
317
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,042
and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.
318
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,374
You don't even recognize me,
do you?
319
00:13:46,399 --> 00:13:48,300
No. No, I d...I don't...
I don't know you.
320
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,502
We were in
that human centipede together!
321
00:13:50,504 --> 00:13:52,706
I said,
I do not know you.
322
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:55,758
Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientist
323
00:13:55,818 --> 00:13:58,462
who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.
324
00:13:58,530 --> 00:13:59,864
There were three of us,
I was in the middle,
325
00:13:59,931 --> 00:14:01,735
you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.
326
00:14:01,778 --> 00:14:03,691
Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!
327
00:14:03,716 --> 00:14:04,953
Okay, yes, I remember!
328
00:14:05,003 --> 00:14:07,972
And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.
329
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:09,672
Probably should've said
you put it behind me,
330
00:14:09,698 --> 00:14:11,497
If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.
331
00:14:11,498 --> 00:14:13,267
Sorry!
You already caught my drift.
332
00:14:13,273 --> 00:14:14,726
I'm sorry!
That's it.
333
00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:15,939
It was right there
in front of me.
334
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,576
- Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.
335
00:14:17,711 --> 00:14:19,192
I guess it was right there
in front of you.
336
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,273
That's it.
I'm sorry.
337
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,009
How are you doing?
How are you?
338
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,630
Is there something else
I can help you with?
339
00:14:25,676 --> 00:14:27,376
- Um...oh!
- Hey, [bleep] eater.
340
00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:29,602
- No [bleep] way!
- Hey!
341
00:14:29,626 --> 00:14:32,194
- Front man!
- this is a [bleep] nightmare.
342
00:14:32,198 --> 00:14:33,398
Hey, Back man.
Back man!
343
00:14:33,401 --> 00:14:35,035
No, don't call me that.
344
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,207
- Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.
345
00:14:36,207 --> 00:14:37,374
No!
346
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,293
Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?
347
00:14:39,781 --> 00:14:41,107
Nice one!
348
00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:42,873
- Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?
349
00:14:43,204 --> 00:14:46,287
- Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!
350
00:14:46,347 --> 00:14:48,825
You know, we all shared
the same experience.
351
00:14:48,850 --> 00:14:51,487
No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody [bleep] in his mouth!
352
00:14:51,544 --> 00:14:52,441
That is true.
353
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:55,704
- Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm [bleep].
354
00:14:55,707 --> 00:14:56,476
Okay.
355
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,635
- But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?
356
00:14:59,705 --> 00:15:01,916
I mean.
We were in the same boat.
357
00:15:01,979 --> 00:15:03,846
Nope, you two
were in the same boat.
358
00:15:03,892 --> 00:15:05,626
You both [bleep]
in someone's mouth.
359
00:15:05,694 --> 00:15:07,394
I didn't get to [bleep]
in anyone's mouth!
360
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,007
"Get to"?
361
00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:09,832
When do I get to [bleep]
in anybody's mouth, huh?
362
00:15:09,835 --> 00:15:12,494
When do I get to [bleep]
in somebody's mouth?
363
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:15,436
- Steven!
- Hon... I... No.
364
00:15:16,134 --> 00:15:19,007
These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.
365
00:15:19,677 --> 00:15:20,476
You...
366
00:15:20,588 --> 00:15:22,222
Oh, you're disgusted?
367
00:15:22,397 --> 00:15:23,975
You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?
368
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,383
Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.
369
00:15:26,775 --> 00:15:29,277
Once again,
I'm the asshole.
370
00:15:34,921 --> 00:15:36,494
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
371
00:15:37,015 --> 00:15:40,128
Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaos
372
00:15:40,152 --> 00:15:41,634
of a presidential campaign,
373
00:15:41,728 --> 00:15:44,458
It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...
374
00:15:44,503 --> 00:15:45,402
This is it!
375
00:15:45,923 --> 00:15:47,238
Armageddon!
376
00:15:47,305 --> 00:15:49,981
I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!
377
00:15:50,038 --> 00:15:53,544
Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!
378
00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:57,805
This is
my anger translator, Luther,
379
00:15:57,917 --> 00:16:00,186
Who... I thought
had the day off.
380
00:16:00,798 --> 00:16:02,621
What the [bleep] are you
doing here, Luther?
381
00:16:05,228 --> 00:16:07,729
Anyway,
I think that everybody
382
00:16:08,143 --> 00:16:10,311
needs to take a moment
to appreciate
383
00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:13,020
that our political system
truly works.
384
00:16:13,108 --> 00:16:16,571
Unless Romney wins,
and then the [bleep] is broke!
385
00:16:17,479 --> 00:16:20,266
And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's
386
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,909
always a place
for civil discourse.
387
00:16:22,932 --> 00:16:25,103
As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around
388
00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:27,191
so you can counteract
all the negative ads.
389
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:28,956
Hey, Romney and Karl Rove
390
00:16:28,977 --> 00:16:32,161
and all you evil mother[bleep]
with your slimy-ass super PACs,
391
00:16:32,185 --> 00:16:34,921
Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.
392
00:16:34,959 --> 00:16:37,989
Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.
393
00:16:40,302 --> 00:16:41,303
Uhh!
394
00:16:41,993 --> 00:16:43,645
And you know what,
after I win this?
395
00:16:43,987 --> 00:16:45,729
I'm taking all y'all down.
396
00:16:46,515 --> 00:16:47,367
Thank you,
397
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,813
And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.
398
00:16:50,005 --> 00:16:51,871
And when you give me
your babies to kiss,
399
00:16:51,979 --> 00:16:54,180
please clean they diapers,
all right?
400
00:16:54,269 --> 00:16:56,169
'cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!
401
00:16:56,324 --> 00:16:58,131
Just wash they ass.
402
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,587
You know,
just wash their ass.
403
00:17:01,338 --> 00:17:04,065
It's true.
You should wash their ass.
404
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,492
How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...
405
00:17:19,537 --> 00:17:20,235
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
406
00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:22,701
a black person
has got to have special powers?
407
00:17:22,854 --> 00:17:24,630
Yeah,
Green Mile.
408
00:17:25,427 --> 00:17:26,341
And the mouse is alive.
409
00:17:26,343 --> 00:17:27,644
- Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
410
00:17:27,668 --> 00:17:29,569
Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.
411
00:17:29,594 --> 00:17:30,832
- That's right.
- You know what I mean?
412
00:17:30,958 --> 00:17:31,752
It's just, like...
413
00:17:31,831 --> 00:17:33,407
Bees coming out
of this mother-[bleep] mouth.
414
00:17:33,436 --> 00:17:35,170
- Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
415
00:17:35,204 --> 00:17:36,871
And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...
416
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,572
She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.
417
00:17:38,572 --> 00:17:40,447
Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.
418
00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:42,636
- That's...oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
419
00:17:43,447 --> 00:17:45,016
- I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.
420
00:17:45,053 --> 00:17:46,716
So I can meet
all these magical black people.
421
00:17:46,721 --> 00:17:48,918
That is where magical
black people go to retire.
422
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:50,387
I-I...yeah, right...
oh, okay.
423
00:17:52,595 --> 00:17:55,205
So your office is
all the way down at the end.
424
00:17:55,476 --> 00:17:57,822
You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.
425
00:17:58,401 --> 00:18:01,075
Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?
426
00:18:01,076 --> 00:18:03,728
- Hey.
- Ah, hello there.
427
00:18:05,216 --> 00:18:06,431
What's up, dude?
428
00:18:06,942 --> 00:18:10,448
Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.
429
00:18:10,469 --> 00:18:14,539
- So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.
430
00:18:14,607 --> 00:18:16,408
- Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?
431
00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:18,448
It's the Shining, man.
432
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,654
All black people
have the Shining.
433
00:18:20,789 --> 00:18:23,061
You never shined with
another black person before?
434
00:18:23,164 --> 00:18:26,223
No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.
435
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:29,057
I've met other black people before,
but not like this.
436
00:18:29,168 --> 00:18:32,404
You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,
437
00:18:32,472 --> 00:18:35,173
and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.
438
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,025
What up, dudes?
439
00:18:40,135 --> 00:18:43,120
So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?
440
00:18:43,137 --> 00:18:44,218
Yo, what up?
441
00:18:44,276 --> 00:18:45,810
Wow! Denzel Washington?
442
00:18:45,844 --> 00:18:49,119
I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.
443
00:18:49,627 --> 00:18:52,420
- Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!
444
00:18:52,488 --> 00:18:54,947
Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.
445
00:18:55,458 --> 00:18:57,593
I'm glad to have you
on board.
446
00:18:57,694 --> 00:19:01,030
Oh, [bleep]!
What's up, Barack Obama?
447
00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:03,855
Ahem!
448
00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:08,293
Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?
449
00:19:09,762 --> 00:19:12,044
Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.
450
00:19:13,583 --> 00:19:16,065
Man, you gotta be more careful.
451
00:19:16,241 --> 00:19:17,775
Learn to use the Shining.
452
00:19:17,979 --> 00:19:19,405
Tune in and out of it.
453
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:24,302
And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...
454
00:19:24,302 --> 00:19:26,739
- Just give me the basketball!
- ...on this goddamn plane!
455
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:29,054
Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?
456
00:19:29,154 --> 00:19:30,221
Leo, what are you doing?
457
00:19:30,221 --> 00:19:32,389
Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.
458
00:19:32,456 --> 00:19:35,215
Women dig chocolate!
459
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:36,787
Is everything okay?
460
00:19:36,832 --> 00:19:40,045
Ray! Listen for Morgan.
461
00:19:40,790 --> 00:19:43,635
Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.
462
00:19:43,718 --> 00:19:46,013
Listen to my voice, Ray.
463
00:19:46,563 --> 00:19:50,208
Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.
464
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,514
Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.
465
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,901
Now, pick up that letter opener,
466
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:07,322
and kill
that white man.
467
00:20:10,756 --> 00:20:12,891
Have an amazing Halloween.
468
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:15,490
- Uh, we are not going...
- ♪ Hee-ya! ♪
469
00:20:17,631 --> 00:20:19,098
♪ Oh, sham on! ♪
470
00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:23,668
- Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!
471
00:20:24,154 --> 00:20:25,588
Close to your face!
- No, don't.
472
00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:27,291
We're not doing that.
473
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,241
Sham on!
474
00:20:30,309 --> 00:20:33,418
Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!
475
00:20:33,521 --> 00:20:35,276
Sham on!
476
00:20:35,344 --> 00:20:37,107
Ah! Ha!
477
00:20:40,238 --> 00:20:42,573
Close to your face!
- No! All right.
478
00:20:42,745 --> 00:20:44,078
Look at him,
he looks like...
479
00:20:44,146 --> 00:20:46,147
you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burnt
480
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,428
- Good night,
everybody!
481
00:20:57,425 --> 00:20:59,904
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
482
00:21:00,404 --> 00:21:02,227
Oh, yeah!
36454
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