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1
00:00:05,055 --> 00:00:06,915
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
2
00:00:07,135 --> 00:00:09,835
With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.
3
00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:11,145
Boom, Mitt!
4
00:00:11,395 --> 00:00:14,845
I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?!
5
00:00:15,535 --> 00:00:18,885
To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are over
6
00:00:19,405 --> 00:00:22,395
but now is not a time
to tally points
7
00:00:22,475 --> 00:00:24,015
or to, uh, keep the score.
8
00:00:24,115 --> 00:00:26,025
2-1, Obama.
9
00:00:26,035 --> 00:00:29,865
Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.
10
00:00:29,965 --> 00:00:31,635
Can we get back to work now?
11
00:00:31,785 --> 00:00:33,825
Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,
12
00:00:33,925 --> 00:00:36,625
I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.
13
00:00:36,665 --> 00:00:39,565
Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...
14
00:00:39,635 --> 00:00:42,895
Governor Romney,
why are you smiling
15
00:00:42,965 --> 00:00:44,605
while you're getting
your ass kicked?
16
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,955
Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?
17
00:00:48,025 --> 00:00:50,995
I directly questioned you
about your opposition
18
00:00:51,035 --> 00:00:52,445
to the auto industry bailout.
19
00:00:52,515 --> 00:00:55,415
On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,
20
00:00:55,425 --> 00:00:58,765
I ask again,
why are you smiling?
21
00:00:59,165 --> 00:01:01,155
I asked you about
your stance on Syria,
22
00:01:01,245 --> 00:01:03,175
which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."
23
00:01:03,185 --> 00:01:05,715
Hey... Dummy... Look!
24
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,585
Iran is on the sea.
25
00:01:08,855 --> 00:01:11,325
Syria's two god damn
countries this way.
26
00:01:11,425 --> 00:01:14,695
Bam...
which is a city in iran.
27
00:01:15,055 --> 00:01:17,795
I even reminded you
that horses and bayonets
28
00:01:17,865 --> 00:01:20,615
are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.
29
00:01:20,655 --> 00:01:23,405
So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smile
30
00:01:23,455 --> 00:01:27,405
off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.
31
00:01:27,405 --> 00:01:29,235
I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?
32
00:01:29,275 --> 00:01:32,545
Because your face is
straight up raining.
33
00:01:32,845 --> 00:01:35,215
I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,
34
00:01:35,285 --> 00:01:37,285
and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.
35
00:01:37,325 --> 00:01:39,655
I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?
36
00:01:39,755 --> 00:01:40,505
I'm sorry, Mitt.
37
00:01:40,555 --> 00:01:42,735
If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,
38
00:01:42,775 --> 00:01:44,585
you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.
39
00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,185
and quit smiling!
40
00:01:46,225 --> 00:01:47,915
[bleep]!
This got me...
41
00:01:47,985 --> 00:01:50,155
There were many times
where you even, uh,
42
00:01:50,195 --> 00:01:51,675
inexplicably agreed with me.
43
00:01:51,775 --> 00:01:54,085
Stop agreeing with me!
44
00:01:54,095 --> 00:01:56,895
Are you trying to body snatch me
and become me
45
00:01:57,065 --> 00:01:59,615
for the last two weeks
of the election?
46
00:01:59,715 --> 00:02:01,135
I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.
47
00:02:01,215 --> 00:02:03,555
Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concerned
48
00:02:04,035 --> 00:02:07,185
that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...
49
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:08,555
- Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.
50
00:02:08,655 --> 00:02:10,185
- Calm down now.
- Okay.
51
00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,765
I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.
52
00:02:13,105 --> 00:02:14,115
- Okay.
- Thank you.
53
00:02:14,155 --> 00:02:15,785
- No problem.
- In conclusion...
54
00:02:16,065 --> 00:02:18,895
I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.
55
00:02:19,085 --> 00:02:21,265
But we all know the only
country that matters...
56
00:02:21,455 --> 00:02:22,455
is Ohio.
57
00:02:22,505 --> 00:02:24,755
You sweaty, smiley,
58
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:28,375
never-gonna-be-president
looking mother-[bleep].
59
00:02:28,505 --> 00:02:29,985
- What?
- Hey...
60
00:02:30,625 --> 00:02:32,255
Loosing up a little bit
over here.
61
00:02:32,295 --> 00:02:34,825
And it's just about
[bleep]ing time.
62
00:02:58,455 --> 00:03:00,925
- Hello!
- Hi.
63
00:03:00,995 --> 00:03:02,195
Thank you.
64
00:03:02,255 --> 00:03:03,295
Thank you.
65
00:03:03,365 --> 00:03:06,395
Thank you for coming.
66
00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,545
Thank you so much.
67
00:03:08,585 --> 00:03:10,785
Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
68
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,615
- I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.
69
00:03:12,765 --> 00:03:14,535
- Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.
70
00:03:14,605 --> 00:03:15,775
Thank you!
71
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:18,845
So...
72
00:03:19,585 --> 00:03:22,015
The other day you and I
were talking about
73
00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:25,015
why there are no longer
rap groups.
74
00:03:25,085 --> 00:03:25,985
Rap groups.
Do you guys...
75
00:03:26,025 --> 00:03:27,495
Do you know
what happened to rap groups?
76
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:29,795
There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.
77
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:30,285
Right.
78
00:03:30,385 --> 00:03:32,755
- But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.
79
00:03:32,835 --> 00:03:35,045
Wu-Tang Clan... they had...
80
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,015
Oh, yeah.
81
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,385
- Right.
- These dudes...
82
00:03:37,455 --> 00:03:40,405
- They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.
83
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,525
- With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade ?
84
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:44,395
dressed like [bleep] Ninja Turtles.
85
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:47,955
Or-or-or Public Enemy had...
86
00:03:48,115 --> 00:03:51,405
You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,
87
00:03:52,705 --> 00:03:54,315
- and a security force.
- Yeah.
88
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:56,415
Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.
89
00:03:57,147 --> 00:03:58,426
Yeah!
90
00:03:59,055 --> 00:04:01,905
These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in history
91
00:04:01,945 --> 00:04:03,875
just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...
92
00:04:03,885 --> 00:04:05,775
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.
93
00:04:09,295 --> 00:04:11,125
- There was just...
- There's no reason for it.
94
00:04:11,165 --> 00:04:12,435
That's right.
95
00:04:12,495 --> 00:04:14,005
And a little old man
in a rocking chair,
96
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,885
just an old man
in a rocking chair.
97
00:04:21,365 --> 00:04:23,505
♪ Bone bone bone bone ♪
98
00:04:23,565 --> 00:04:25,015
♪ Bone thugs and homeless ♪
99
00:04:25,025 --> 00:04:27,185
♪ Bone bone bone ♪
100
00:04:27,285 --> 00:04:29,355
♪ Said, brah,
that's what we gonna do ♪
101
00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:31,255
♪ Where has everybody gone ♪
102
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,565
♪ Gone gone ♪
103
00:04:32,715 --> 00:04:34,735
♪ Where have
all the people gone ♪
104
00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:36,275
♪ How did we go broke ♪
105
00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:38,105
♪ Think of all the lost hoes ♪
106
00:04:38,115 --> 00:04:39,545
♪ Somehow we must've taken ♪
107
00:04:39,585 --> 00:04:41,645
♪ A wrong turn at crossroads ♪
108
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,285
♪ Maybe we should change
our flow ♪
109
00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:45,125
♪ But our flow is tight though ♪
110
00:04:45,215 --> 00:04:46,505
♪ The harmony thing seems old ♪
111
00:04:46,735 --> 00:04:48,535
♪ Something don't smell right, yo ♪
112
00:04:48,575 --> 00:04:50,305
♪ We smelling like hell
and not doing too well ♪
113
00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:52,595
♪ And we live in a system
where nobody's giving away ♪
114
00:04:52,595 --> 00:04:56,005
♪ Every day, every day
Poop in different alleyways♪
115
00:04:56,035 --> 00:04:58,145
♪ Homeless ♪
♪ bone ♪
116
00:04:58,155 --> 00:05:00,175
♪ Homeless bone,
homeless bone, yeah ♪
117
00:05:00,185 --> 00:05:02,605
♪ We piss and poop
in different alleyways ♪
118
00:05:02,615 --> 00:05:03,685
♪ Can somebody spare
some change? ♪
119
00:05:03,775 --> 00:05:05,715
♪ We spent all our money ♪
120
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,425
♪ can somebody - anybody -
spare some change ♪
121
00:05:07,535 --> 00:05:09,455
♪ Listen to our tummies ♪
122
00:05:14,095 --> 00:05:16,765
♪ Hey, man,
I miss my uncle Charles, y'all ♪
123
00:05:16,825 --> 00:05:18,535
♪ He had some gall, having a ball ♪
124
00:05:18,545 --> 00:05:20,415
♪ Brother can't even
return my calls ♪
125
00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:22,725
♪ Bone bone bone, bone,
yeah ♪
126
00:05:22,735 --> 00:05:24,525
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
127
00:05:24,595 --> 00:05:26,225
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
128
00:05:26,295 --> 00:05:28,325
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
129
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:31,635
♪ We're so hungry...
We'll eat a bone ♪
130
00:05:31,995 --> 00:05:33,135
Brock Favors here,
131
00:05:36,875 --> 00:05:39,195
We are here live
at the Metro Police Department
132
00:05:39,365 --> 00:05:41,045
canine training facility,
133
00:05:41,115 --> 00:05:43,935
And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniques
134
00:05:44,005 --> 00:05:45,725
used by the canine unit.
135
00:05:45,755 --> 00:05:48,995
Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.
136
00:05:49,065 --> 00:05:50,325
- Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.
137
00:05:50,395 --> 00:05:53,275
Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?
138
00:05:53,435 --> 00:05:55,045
Yeah, you're 100% safe.
139
00:05:55,145 --> 00:05:57,535
In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.
140
00:05:57,575 --> 00:05:58,965
All right!
Well, there you go.
141
00:05:59,005 --> 00:06:01,225
Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at home
142
00:06:01,285 --> 00:06:02,555
with your chihuahuas.
143
00:06:02,615 --> 00:06:04,155
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[bleep]!
144
00:06:04,195 --> 00:06:06,425
Get this [bleep] off of me!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
145
00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:08,425
Damn!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
146
00:06:08,525 --> 00:06:09,595
[bleep]!
147
00:06:09,625 --> 00:06:12,235
Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!
148
00:06:12,295 --> 00:06:15,205
Oh, [bleep]!
Whoo!
149
00:06:15,415 --> 00:06:18,325
Okie dokey.
I am sorry...
150
00:06:18,695 --> 00:06:20,435
that, uh, you all just
151
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:23,825
heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.
152
00:06:23,895 --> 00:06:25,445
- When you panic like that...
- Yeah.
153
00:06:25,445 --> 00:06:26,795
He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.
154
00:06:26,865 --> 00:06:27,375
Uh-huh.
155
00:06:27,385 --> 00:06:28,825
That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.
156
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:31,695
Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...
157
00:06:31,995 --> 00:06:34,935
really try and be
as calm as possible
158
00:06:35,275 --> 00:06:37,015
even though it is
very difficult to be calm
159
00:06:37,375 --> 00:06:39,145
when you're in the lion's den.
160
00:06:39,185 --> 00:06:41,575
Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?
161
00:06:41,645 --> 00:06:43,345
Oh, [bleep]!
162
00:06:43,415 --> 00:06:45,945
Oh, [bleep]!
This dog is eating my junk!
163
00:06:46,015 --> 00:06:47,555
He's eating my junk!
No!
164
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,945
Oh, [bleep]!
He's got my junk!
165
00:06:49,975 --> 00:06:51,825
Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!
166
00:06:56,345 --> 00:06:58,015
- That's, uh...
- You don't even know...
167
00:06:58,015 --> 00:06:59,015
Oh, boy.
168
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,655
Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testicles
169
00:07:02,695 --> 00:07:04,335
Four takes in a row.
170
00:07:04,865 --> 00:07:07,075
And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.
171
00:07:07,155 --> 00:07:10,035
I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"
172
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:12,085
- He's like,
"I got the [bleep] suit on.
173
00:07:12,135 --> 00:07:12,835
- Oh, man.
174
00:07:12,835 --> 00:07:14,135
"He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."
175
00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:17,555
Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.
176
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:21,115
So...I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.
177
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:23,575
It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,
178
00:07:23,635 --> 00:07:25,855
"Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.
179
00:07:25,925 --> 00:07:26,925
"Let him get in there
and get the crotch."
180
00:07:26,925 --> 00:07:27,875
"Just get in there!"
181
00:07:27,885 --> 00:07:29,325
- And that dog came
right in here, went bip!
182
00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:30,565
and got my thigh.
183
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,165
And our magic word was "Uncle."
184
00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:35,615
No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.
185
00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:39,035
I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!
186
00:07:39,465 --> 00:07:40,835
"That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"
187
00:07:40,905 --> 00:07:42,375
- And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!
188
00:07:42,435 --> 00:07:44,325
You wanna know
some really scary [bleep]?
189
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,525
That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,
190
00:07:46,645 --> 00:07:49,115
"Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"
191
00:07:51,515 --> 00:07:54,815
- This dog said...
- That dog was like...
192
00:07:54,885 --> 00:07:56,155
That dog came up...
193
00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:06,545
I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.
194
00:08:06,565 --> 00:08:07,575
You are
the worst Halo player.
195
00:08:07,615 --> 00:08:09,485
I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.
196
00:08:09,485 --> 00:08:10,665
I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.
197
00:08:10,675 --> 00:08:11,835
Remember when my brother
came over that one time?
198
00:08:11,875 --> 00:08:12,175
Yeah.
199
00:08:12,215 --> 00:08:13,675
We just spent 25 minutes just going,
200
00:08:13,715 --> 00:08:15,655
"Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?
201
00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:18,545
"I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.
202
00:08:18,655 --> 00:08:20,745
"Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!
203
00:08:20,815 --> 00:08:22,215
"Oh! I'm off the cliff!"
204
00:08:22,225 --> 00:08:24,565
You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...
205
00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:27,335
- You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.
206
00:08:27,405 --> 00:08:29,825
Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.
207
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,030
So you can say
as much as you want.
208
00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,220
But you can't say
the name of the celebrity
209
00:08:38,270 --> 00:08:39,930
or any part of their name,
got it?
210
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,090
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.
211
00:08:41,130 --> 00:08:42,700
- We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.
212
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:43,820
Baby, you are going down.
213
00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:45,620
Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?
214
00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,910
And... go.
215
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:51,930
Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.
216
00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:53,470
- Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.
217
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:54,840
What?
That's easy. Hello?
218
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,990
Okay, this is the Terminator.
219
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,930
- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!
220
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,160
Okay, we got... we got...
221
00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:02,290
Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"
222
00:09:02,410 --> 00:09:04,850
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
223
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:06,130
All right.
All right.
224
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:08,750
This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.
225
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:09,940
Me!
226
00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:17,244
Uh, uh... he is, uh...
227
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:19,590
Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.
228
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,090
Me.
229
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:23,270
- It's...
- No.
230
00:09:23,590 --> 00:09:25,890
- Okay.
- He's a, um...
231
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,460
Latin pop star.
232
00:09:27,530 --> 00:09:29,420
I'm not a Latin pop star.
233
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:31,580
No, you are not.
It's not you.
234
00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:33,770
"He bangs, he bangs."
235
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:36,830
- Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.
236
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:38,540
I wrote that one too.
237
00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:42,820
Tyrell about to come
out here right now.
238
00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:44,750
- 'sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.
239
00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:46,280
Yo, Tyrell.
240
00:09:46,350 --> 00:09:47,600
Yo, what up, Lawrence?
241
00:09:47,650 --> 00:09:49,020
Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?
242
00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:50,930
- I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.
243
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:53,290
All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."
244
00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:55,290
- Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!
245
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,670
Bam! I got you, sucka!
246
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,180
Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.
247
00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:06,920
Come on, man. Come on.
You know that [bleep] was funny]
248
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,230
- Back hand.
- Huh?
249
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,740
It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.
250
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:16,470
- Really?
- Back hand, [bleep]!
251
00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:19,350
Uh...
252
00:10:20,810 --> 00:10:21,858
Oh!
253
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:24,630
- God damn!
254
00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:28,630
Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?
255
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,560
I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.
256
00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:34,290
Front hand!
257
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,390
What? No.
Why you wanna hit...
258
00:10:36,530 --> 00:10:38,360
I... got it!
I figured it out.
259
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:41,060
Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!
260
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,350
No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...
261
00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:44,950
If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.
262
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,420
Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.
263
00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:47,800
But you know that
I'm [bleep] with you, right?
264
00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:50,100
I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."
265
00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:53,330
- Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
266
00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:56,320
Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.
267
00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:58,320
All right,
all right, all right.
268
00:10:58,550 --> 00:11:01,490
As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",
269
00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:02,990
you wanna stop playing.
270
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,090
Play what, man?
271
00:11:04,170 --> 00:11:06,348
I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.
272
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,629
I'm about to smack you
in the face
273
00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:11,095
as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!
274
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:12,696
There ain't no turns,
[bleep],
275
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,104
'cause it ain't no game.
276
00:11:14,122 --> 00:11:15,451
You ain't got no game,
[bleep].
277
00:11:15,487 --> 00:11:16,486
Back hand!
278
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,643
Aghh!
279
00:11:28,142 --> 00:11:29,271
Front hand.
280
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,164
Look, I don't know
if you're [bleep] with me
281
00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:33,811
at this point or what...
282
00:11:34,612 --> 00:11:37,792
but I don't wanna...
smack a [bleep] no more.
283
00:11:41,272 --> 00:11:42,384
Where you going then?
284
00:11:42,399 --> 00:11:43,855
Okay, forfeit.
285
00:11:43,961 --> 00:11:47,735
Forfeit, [bleep], I win!
I win front hand, back hand!
286
00:11:47,776 --> 00:11:49,206
Okay.
Me and you.
287
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,186
[bleep], me and you.
Me and you.
288
00:11:51,762 --> 00:11:53,530
Hmm?
Back hand.
289
00:11:57,740 --> 00:11:58,740
Ah!
290
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,520
Oh!
291
00:12:08,682 --> 00:12:10,890
This November,
you gotta get out and vote!
292
00:12:11,602 --> 00:12:13,583
It's all about democracy,
y'all.
293
00:12:13,614 --> 00:12:16,108
Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the country
294
00:12:16,108 --> 00:12:18,504
and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.
295
00:12:18,929 --> 00:12:20,030
What's that?
296
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,200
The Electoral College
are a bunch of officials
297
00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:23,640
who do the voting for us.
298
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,300
So in case we elect
the wrong person,
299
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,270
they can fix that shiz!
300
00:12:27,340 --> 00:12:29,102
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
301
00:12:29,788 --> 00:12:32,683
- Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,
302
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,849
But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real voting
303
00:12:35,878 --> 00:12:37,778
after we do our
pretend voting.
304
00:12:37,820 --> 00:12:38,920
Yeah!
305
00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,490
- Power to the...
- Hold the [bleep] on!
306
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,620
You're telling me
our votes don't matter?
307
00:12:43,690 --> 00:12:45,890
Our votes are like
suggestions.
308
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,590
So this November, we should...
309
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,800
- Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!
310
00:12:56,914 --> 00:12:59,206
You know what I really hate?
When, uh...
311
00:12:59,405 --> 00:13:01,903
Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.
312
00:13:01,978 --> 00:13:03,845
I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.
313
00:13:05,188 --> 00:13:08,718
White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."
314
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,218
"Awkward."
315
00:13:10,288 --> 00:13:12,669
Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some [bleep].
316
00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:20,001
What... who are you
pointing at, sir?
317
00:13:21,527 --> 00:13:22,727
Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...
318
00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:24,013
- Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.
319
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:25,809
Same way.
320
00:13:25,855 --> 00:13:28,253
- And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.
321
00:13:28,279 --> 00:13:30,521
- Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.
322
00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:33,037
Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.
323
00:13:33,037 --> 00:13:35,055
She had to say...
"awkward."
324
00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:39,465
That is how black women do it,
with the little...
325
00:13:39,965 --> 00:13:42,265
- "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...
326
00:13:42,306 --> 00:13:46,106
I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.
327
00:13:47,532 --> 00:13:48,640
Bip.
328
00:13:49,874 --> 00:13:52,214
Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.
329
00:13:52,245 --> 00:13:54,545
Green and yellow basket.
330
00:13:54,615 --> 00:13:56,124
- This is a limousine.
331
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:04,823
Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.
332
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,600
- This is carlos speaking.
- Allo.
333
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:11,511
We would like a large pie
334
00:14:11,553 --> 00:14:14,718
with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.
335
00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:18,102
Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.
336
00:14:18,305 --> 00:14:22,202
- We would also like
a large pie
337
00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:26,183
with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.
338
00:14:26,245 --> 00:14:28,762
Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.
339
00:14:28,770 --> 00:14:30,455
Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?
340
00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,168
You know what?
Let me gauge the room.
341
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,664
Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?
342
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:36,556
Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.
343
00:14:36,569 --> 00:14:39,559
Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...
344
00:14:39,576 --> 00:14:42,274
Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.
345
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:45,961
- Ah, having a party. (chuckling)
- Yup. Pretty big one too.
346
00:14:46,008 --> 00:14:49,648
Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?
347
00:14:49,678 --> 00:14:51,478
You know what,
let's play it safe.
348
00:14:51,692 --> 00:14:54,832
Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.
349
00:14:54,902 --> 00:14:56,440
All right, ham...
350
00:14:56,457 --> 00:14:58,157
Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?
351
00:14:58,285 --> 00:15:00,085
Good question.
I'll gauge the room.
352
00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:03,483
Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?
353
00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:05,326
Okay, yeesh.
354
00:15:05,328 --> 00:15:07,868
That is a resounding yes
355
00:15:07,909 --> 00:15:10,209
for cheesy crust on the third.
356
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,623
Claire says you read her mind.
357
00:15:12,695 --> 00:15:14,365
Claire, huh?
I like that name.
358
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:15,760
It's a good one.
359
00:15:15,863 --> 00:15:18,871
Oh, also, my boy Andy over here
360
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,756
is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.
361
00:15:21,783 --> 00:15:24,180
- Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?
362
00:15:24,304 --> 00:15:26,118
- Claire.
- Oh.
363
00:15:27,949 --> 00:15:29,547
Her body's like a four.
364
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,313
Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.
365
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:39,897
That's all good.
366
00:15:39,910 --> 00:15:42,714
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
367
00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,898
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,
368
00:15:44,951 --> 00:15:46,991
I feel like
I do know Claire, man.
369
00:15:47,090 --> 00:15:49,154
Put me on the phone
with her.
370
00:15:50,381 --> 00:15:51,979
Uh...
371
00:15:52,459 --> 00:15:55,423
You don't need
to speak to Claire.
372
00:15:55,492 --> 00:15:56,704
No, I do.
373
00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:01,758
You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.
374
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:05,142
I... [bleep] her.
375
00:16:05,588 --> 00:16:07,257
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
376
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:10,087
I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.
377
00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:12,889
No, it's quite all right.
378
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,542
'twas a while ago...
379
00:16:15,553 --> 00:16:17,248
Before she blimped up.
380
00:16:18,609 --> 00:16:20,579
My current girlfriend's Liv.
381
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:24,891
Body, ten.
Face, ten.
382
00:16:26,548 --> 00:16:30,958
But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.
383
00:16:31,663 --> 00:16:34,133
And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.
384
00:16:34,145 --> 00:16:36,235
Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.
385
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:39,868
So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.
386
00:16:40,158 --> 00:16:42,132
So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?
387
00:16:42,745 --> 00:16:44,253
Well...
388
00:16:45,331 --> 00:16:46,815
Let me do it for you.
389
00:16:46,815 --> 00:16:48,783
Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.
390
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:50,693
Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.
391
00:16:50,742 --> 00:16:52,384
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
392
00:16:54,509 --> 00:16:57,909
Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.
393
00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:00,380
But I'm a good man.
Tell her,
394
00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:02,658
"Claire, I believe in destiny.
395
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:06,053
"and I believe
that we've always known
396
00:17:06,117 --> 00:17:08,148
"that our soul mate
was out there.
397
00:17:08,246 --> 00:17:11,243
"The moment that we had
that unspoken connection
398
00:17:11,288 --> 00:17:13,158
"about the cheesy crust...
399
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:16,034
"I realized that you were
always the one.
400
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:19,865
"Because... and I know
this sounds corny...
401
00:17:20,937 --> 00:17:23,078
"but that moment...
402
00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:25,334
"was just like...
403
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,678
"simple."
404
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:35,218
Wow.
405
00:17:35,948 --> 00:17:37,748
You really do care
about Claire.
406
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,233
I do.
407
00:17:42,286 --> 00:17:44,203
Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!
408
00:17:44,245 --> 00:17:45,556
- What? No!
- Oh!
409
00:17:45,572 --> 00:17:47,205
Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.
410
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:48,428
It hit her in the neck. Oh...
411
00:17:48,444 --> 00:17:50,074
Claire's down!
She's dead!
412
00:17:50,114 --> 00:17:52,151
She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!
413
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:54,888
Claire!
Noooo!
414
00:18:02,610 --> 00:18:04,380
Chinese it is.
415
00:18:09,043 --> 00:18:11,974
One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movie
416
00:18:12,130 --> 00:18:15,500
- like The Help or...
- Glory.
417
00:18:15,914 --> 00:18:17,944
We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,
418
00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:19,047
'cause you know...
419
00:18:19,254 --> 00:18:21,054
White people go see
these movies,
420
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,502
and then they come out
and they're like,
421
00:18:22,532 --> 00:18:25,741
"racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!
422
00:18:28,013 --> 00:18:31,539
"Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"
423
00:18:32,788 --> 00:18:36,498
Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?
424
00:18:37,098 --> 00:18:40,196
It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.
425
00:19:02,757 --> 00:19:05,583
- Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.
426
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:07,397
Well, thank God in heaven
427
00:19:07,426 --> 00:19:09,026
for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.
428
00:19:09,609 --> 00:19:14,108
Before you thank me,
let me tell you.
429
00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:16,910
I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedom
430
00:19:16,942 --> 00:19:19,798
through this here
underground railroad.
431
00:19:21,241 --> 00:19:25,141
But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?
432
00:19:26,963 --> 00:19:28,793
All right.
433
00:19:29,151 --> 00:19:31,208
Then hike up your breeches
434
00:19:31,272 --> 00:19:35,136
and follow me to freedom!
435
00:19:54,495 --> 00:19:56,635
Watch this, black molasses!
436
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:13,009
Well, where is she now?
437
00:20:16,896 --> 00:20:18,836
That was the easy part.
438
00:20:18,895 --> 00:20:20,121
Now stay close.
439
00:20:20,154 --> 00:20:23,301
This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.
440
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,430
Ah!
441
00:20:27,551 --> 00:20:30,578
Forget this, man.
I'm going back.
442
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,551
Thank you.
443
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,261
Thank you so much, everybody.
444
00:20:46,403 --> 00:20:49,246
Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...
445
00:20:49,272 --> 00:20:51,972
sexually, so...
446
00:20:52,165 --> 00:20:54,765
Good night!
Good night. Take care.
447
00:20:59,041 --> 00:21:01,611
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
448
00:21:01,722 --> 00:21:03,552
Oh, yeah.
33586
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