Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,548 --> 00:00:18,732
Bro.
2
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:20,990
What?
3
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:27,703
Yeah.
[bleep] yeah, bro.
4
00:00:27,735 --> 00:00:30,288
- How awesome is this?
- It's cool.
5
00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:33,282
[bleep] yeah, it is.
6
00:00:35,263 --> 00:00:37,948
Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Yeah.
7
00:00:38,448 --> 00:00:40,904
Dude... Synchronize.
Synchronize.
8
00:00:41,015 --> 00:00:44,231
Yeah, there it is.
Now we're doing it.
9
00:00:44,231 --> 00:00:47,265
Now we're doing it.
Now we're doing it.
10
00:00:47,737 --> 00:00:50,926
♪ Doing it with my bro
Doing it with my bro ♪
11
00:00:51,292 --> 00:00:54,968
♪ I love every second
Of doing it with my bro ♪
12
00:00:55,083 --> 00:00:58,659
- It's... It's pretty awesome.
- Can you believe it?
13
00:00:58,737 --> 00:01:00,737
Can you just...?
14
00:01:01,512 --> 00:01:05,104
Yo. Yo. Right there, man.
Just give me five, man.
15
00:01:05,221 --> 00:01:07,661
Give me five, bro.
16
00:01:08,408 --> 00:01:11,355
Come on, that's [bleep] pussy[bleep].
Come on.
17
00:01:11,415 --> 00:01:13,415
Come on.
18
00:01:13,585 --> 00:01:15,420
- Oh, you're with me now.
- You know...
19
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,480
- You are with me now.
- That's disturbing.
20
00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:19,646
Keep 'em locked.
Keep 'em locked.
21
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,660
- Mm-mm.
- Give it back
22
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,967
Get your...
Get...
23
00:01:26,165 --> 00:01:28,973
Aah!
Oh!
24
00:01:30,313 --> 00:01:32,566
Dude ! How we gonna break
the world record
25
00:01:32,654 --> 00:01:34,654
if you can't keep it up?
26
00:02:00,073 --> 00:02:02,073
Lock it.
27
00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:06,000
Keep it locked.
Keep it locked.
28
00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:12,718
- Ew! Shame on you!
- Shame on you!
29
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,916
- Shame on all of you!
- Shame on you!
30
00:02:17,558 --> 00:02:20,978
Thanks and welcome to the show
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
31
00:02:21,039 --> 00:02:23,039
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
32
00:02:23,072 --> 00:02:25,072
So thank you for coming.
33
00:02:28,924 --> 00:02:31,258
I see race in just about...
in everything.
34
00:02:31,314 --> 00:02:33,542
- Mm-hm.
- Like, I just... I just do that.
35
00:02:33,556 --> 00:02:35,988
Like, if somebody asks,
"You want cream in your coffee?" "Why?"
36
00:02:36,048 --> 00:02:38,921
- Yeah. Yeah.
- "Why, mother[bleep]? Why would I?"
37
00:02:39,832 --> 00:02:41,832
You ever have a white dude
come up to you talking about,
38
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,920
"Hey, man, dude, I know.
39
00:02:44,173 --> 00:02:46,173
"King Kong?
That [bleep] is racist."
40
00:02:47,057 --> 00:02:48,591
- Have you had this?
- I've had that.
41
00:02:48,597 --> 00:02:50,597
Dude, I was like, "What?
Is it racist? I don't even think..."
42
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:53,325
He's like, "Think about it, man.
It's a bunch of white dudes
43
00:02:53,385 --> 00:02:55,747
that go to an island,
all these aborigines..."
44
00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:57,830
- I'm like, "Okay."
- All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.
45
00:02:59,072 --> 00:03:00,842
"Then a big black gorilla comes
46
00:03:00,913 --> 00:03:03,164
"and starts [bleep] around
with white girls in New York."
47
00:03:03,252 --> 00:03:05,124
"Whoa! What the [bleep]?
48
00:03:05,955 --> 00:03:08,292
"That's your [bleep], man!
What?
49
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,510
"You're racist, bitch!
What the..."
50
00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:16,015
Hey, all I know is it's good
having another brother
51
00:03:16,043 --> 00:03:18,802
- move into the neighborhood.
- Hey man, it's good to have you over.
52
00:03:19,051 --> 00:03:21,051
And I think that
you will dig this.
53
00:03:21,162 --> 00:03:23,162
All right!
54
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,662
- Hey!
- Huh?
55
00:03:25,968 --> 00:03:28,334
- Nice guitar collection.
- Oh, thanks, man.
56
00:03:28,445 --> 00:03:30,902
- Hey, you wanna hear something?
- Yeah, sure.
57
00:03:31,013 --> 00:03:33,413
All right, all right. All right,
let's get this started.
58
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:35,413
Let's get this started.
59
00:03:36,635 --> 00:03:39,535
♪ Well, I'm just a good
old American boy ♪
60
00:03:39,614 --> 00:03:42,593
♪ With a heart
that's red, white, and true ♪
61
00:03:43,922 --> 00:03:46,854
♪ I'm dreamin' of a girl
with the red hair and freckles ♪
62
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,258
♪ And her eyes like
the skies of blue ♪
63
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,364
- Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas.
64
00:03:52,420 --> 00:03:54,223
- You know, so...
- All right.
65
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,501
♪ Keep her safe from the homies
in the wrong side of town ♪
66
00:04:05,572 --> 00:04:08,730
♪ 'cause that's the American way ♪
67
00:04:10,802 --> 00:04:13,450
- Woo-hoo!
- Whoas.
68
00:04:14,478 --> 00:04:16,478
Pretty racist song.
69
00:04:16,729 --> 00:04:18,318
Racist?
Against who?
70
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:23,104
- Black people.
- Black people? But I'm black.
71
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:26,452
Well, "keeping the redheaded girl
away from the homies
72
00:04:26,512 --> 00:04:28,512
- "on the wrong side of town"?
- "Homies"?
73
00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,401
Come on, brother.
There's all kinds of homies.
74
00:04:30,484 --> 00:04:32,901
You know, white homies,
Asian homies...
75
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,623
No, homies are black.
76
00:04:35,706 --> 00:04:38,975
No, I think you're making them black.
I think that's your stuff.
77
00:04:39,031 --> 00:04:42,685
You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist.
78
00:04:42,935 --> 00:04:45,129
But that's just what
country music is like.
79
00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:47,685
Hey, look, you're gonna love
this one. You'll like this one.
80
00:04:47,796 --> 00:04:48,665
All right.
81
00:04:51,141 --> 00:04:54,280
♪ Some folks wear their hats
way off to the side ♪
82
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,864
♪ With their pants down low
and a gun tucked inside ♪
83
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,846
♪ Take their beer by the 40
and their chicken deep-fried ♪
84
00:04:59,903 --> 00:05:03,167
♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪
85
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:07,646
♪ The only dark I like
is when I turn off the lights ♪
86
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:10,561
♪ The only hood I love
is pointy and white ♪
87
00:05:10,617 --> 00:05:13,519
♪ Can't trust you if I can't
see your face at night ♪
88
00:05:13,602 --> 00:05:16,041
♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪
89
00:05:16,598 --> 00:05:19,987
All right, wait. Hey!
Stop that. That's racist.
90
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,906
What's what?
What is racist about it?
91
00:05:22,045 --> 00:05:24,978
"The only hood I love
is pointy and white"?
92
00:05:25,089 --> 00:05:27,898
- Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man.
93
00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:32,481
The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?
94
00:05:32,676 --> 00:05:35,300
That's traditional
country music imagery, man.
95
00:05:35,328 --> 00:05:37,828
Like a pick-up truck,
or sleeping under the stars,
96
00:05:38,134 --> 00:05:40,738
or your dog got killed,
or your wife left you. Same thing!
97
00:05:40,877 --> 00:05:43,155
I would have been fine
with any of those things.
98
00:05:43,232 --> 00:05:45,683
What is the difference between
those things and what is in the song?
99
00:05:45,738 --> 00:05:46,967
They're not racial.
100
00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:49,814
Hey, you know what? Can I just say
something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.
101
00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:53,145
You're getting a little, like,
Al Sharpton, like...
102
00:05:53,201 --> 00:05:55,201
- Oh, my...
- Farrakhan on me right now.
103
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,229
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
104
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,964
Yo, dude, dude, please.
Hey, can I do one more?
105
00:06:00,047 --> 00:06:01,540
Let me just do one more, dog.
106
00:06:01,759 --> 00:06:04,515
I absolutely promise you
that this song
107
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,040
is not racist,
108
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:09,680
and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such.
109
00:06:11,319 --> 00:06:14,962
Okay, it seems like you're about
to sing the most racist song so far.
110
00:06:15,129 --> 00:06:16,184
I'm not.
111
00:06:18,323 --> 00:06:20,635
♪ Hidey-lidey-lidey-lidey-lee ♪
112
00:06:20,718 --> 00:06:23,111
♪ Get me a rope
and find me a tree ♪
113
00:06:23,389 --> 00:06:25,051
Okay, I'm out.
114
00:06:26,245 --> 00:06:28,245
Come on, man. Hey!
Shoot.
115
00:06:28,745 --> 00:06:31,051
I'm over here trying
to sing about a tire swing.
116
00:06:32,717 --> 00:06:34,578
Gonna write off
an entire genre of music.
117
00:06:35,606 --> 00:06:36,546
(playing guitar)
118
00:06:36,574 --> 00:06:40,241
♪ The banjos are strumming,
and the drums are a-bangin' ♪
119
00:06:40,294 --> 00:06:44,080
♪ Let's get the boys together
and have ourselves a hangin' ♪
120
00:06:44,107 --> 00:06:45,764
Oh, damn.
121
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:49,988
Now I see it.
Now I see it.
122
00:06:53,461 --> 00:06:54,908
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
123
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,227
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
124
00:06:57,283 --> 00:06:59,616
- Hi.
- Now, after the last debate,
125
00:06:59,727 --> 00:07:02,984
I was criticized for...
not showing enough emotion.
126
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:06,339
I should've been on that stage!
Oh, my God! Mitt!
127
00:07:06,396 --> 00:07:10,033
If I was a Siberian tiger,
your ass would've been Roy!
128
00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:11,644
Str-r-aight up!
129
00:07:11,811 --> 00:07:14,025
I was faulted for a lack of
130
00:07:14,108 --> 00:07:17,601
"pithy retorts"
or "zingers."
131
00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:19,367
But we can do better than that.
132
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:23,199
Witty responses are not going
to resolve this nation's deficit.
133
00:07:23,366 --> 00:07:25,891
How you gonna fire
Sesame Street?
134
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:29,561
One of these mother[bleep]
already lives in a trash can! Zing!
135
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,842
And a one-liner
is not going to solve
136
00:07:31,898 --> 00:07:33,532
the problems we have
with our tax code,
137
00:07:33,532 --> 00:07:37,052
which my opponent seems to have
entirely changed his position on.
138
00:07:37,135 --> 00:07:40,370
This mother[bleep]
gets more reboots than Spider-Man!
139
00:07:40,648 --> 00:07:42,055
And boom, goes the dynamite.
140
00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:45,252
I look forward to a debate
based on substance,
141
00:07:45,669 --> 00:07:47,808
- not on zingers.
- I got a Mormon zinger!
142
00:07:47,919 --> 00:07:49,693
"Take my wives, please!"
143
00:07:49,749 --> 00:07:52,636
Ooh-ho-ho, [bleep]!
I said "wives."
144
00:07:52,692 --> 00:07:54,354
Thank you,
and good night.
145
00:07:54,465 --> 00:07:57,102
This message brought to you
by the letter "Suck my"
146
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,045
and the number "[bleep]."
147
00:07:59,073 --> 00:08:01,073
Ohh!
148
00:08:01,989 --> 00:08:03,989
Snap, America.
149
00:08:04,489 --> 00:08:06,036
Snap, indeed.
150
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:12,590
All right, he knows I won't get dogs
because it's basically like, it's like
151
00:08:12,812 --> 00:08:15,126
- buying a new grandparent.
- Mm-hm.
152
00:08:15,154 --> 00:08:18,182
You know, you have to... you gotta
feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.
153
00:08:19,515 --> 00:08:21,879
They will look at you in the eyes
while they're pooping.
154
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:27,102
- I'm with you.
- They drool, you know.
155
00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:29,963
[bleep] forgetful as [bleep].
156
00:08:31,768 --> 00:08:35,000
All my dogs are shelter dogs
because purebread dogs
157
00:08:35,028 --> 00:08:36,389
are stupid.
158
00:08:36,445 --> 00:08:37,284
Yeah?
159
00:08:37,327 --> 00:08:40,913
When you mix them, you get a thing
that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.
160
00:08:41,302 --> 00:08:44,468
And what happens is
all the best qualities of both dogs
161
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,859
go into the one dog.
Much like interracial people.
162
00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:55,442
Representing hybrid vigor.
163
00:08:56,979 --> 00:08:58,535
That should be our rap group
right there.
164
00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,185
We should be "Hybrid Vigor."
165
00:09:00,213 --> 00:09:03,470
Hybrid vigor
from a couple of hybrid [bleep].
166
00:09:03,526 --> 00:09:05,949
Let's get hard.
167
00:09:10,453 --> 00:09:12,143
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
168
00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:15,677
Um, I made a really big decision
without consulting you.
169
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:20,158
I went by a puppy rescue stand
170
00:09:20,213 --> 00:09:21,990
on University Avenue.
171
00:09:22,046 --> 00:09:23,933
I had to. I had to.
172
00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,482
- You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.
173
00:09:26,565 --> 00:09:28,565
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
174
00:09:29,843 --> 00:09:31,760
So, honey, I've gotta
tell you something, okay?
175
00:09:32,149 --> 00:09:34,631
These rescue dogs have had
some tough situations.
176
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:36,324
- Oh.
- And a lot of them take on
177
00:09:36,361 --> 00:09:38,824
the personality of their owners.
178
00:09:40,859 --> 00:09:42,859
was owned by rapper Ice-T.
179
00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,387
- All right, little buddy, come on out.
- Aww.
180
00:09:50,221 --> 00:09:54,021
Oh, hello,
my little darling. Oh!
181
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:57,933
Man, [bleep] you.
You, thuck my [bleep].
182
00:09:58,433 --> 00:09:59,784
Thith house ain't [bleep].
183
00:09:59,895 --> 00:10:01,699
Okay, buddy, take it easy.
184
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:03,727
- A little testy.
- [bleep] you, [bleep].
185
00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:06,005
Nothin' ever been eathy
for me in my life.
186
00:10:06,144 --> 00:10:07,589
Now, hook me up
with a treat.
187
00:10:07,728 --> 00:10:09,391
- You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat?
188
00:10:09,421 --> 00:10:11,588
Is that what you want?
Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.
189
00:10:12,254 --> 00:10:14,943
Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass
treat right there.
190
00:10:15,194 --> 00:10:18,261
- Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.
191
00:10:18,291 --> 00:10:20,291
Bitch, was I talking to you?
192
00:10:21,372 --> 00:10:24,011
Give me the whole bag of treats
'cause I'm a treat killer
193
00:10:24,045 --> 00:10:26,289
and a mother[bleep] handful.
194
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:29,596
- Somebody's grumpy today.
- Grumpy-wumpy.
195
00:10:30,124 --> 00:10:32,859
Lay my ass right up
on this comfortable-ass thofa.
196
00:10:32,972 --> 00:10:36,110
(laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch
too, as a matter of fact.
197
00:10:36,223 --> 00:10:38,223
And you know what,
mother[bleep] and bitch?
198
00:10:38,308 --> 00:10:40,886
- I'm gonna pith and [bip] up here too.
- No! Oh, no! No, no, no!
199
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:43,392
[bleep] you, man.
Raise your hand at me.
200
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:47,531
Okay, um, I've got something
for you, little guy.
201
00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:51,563
Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You
wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?
202
00:10:51,565 --> 00:10:53,230
- Get that ball.
- [bleep] you!
203
00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:55,287
Both y'all condescending
mother[bleep]
204
00:10:55,344 --> 00:10:57,742
I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So [bleep] you!
205
00:10:59,313 --> 00:11:01,313
- Oh!
- Get the door, okay?
206
00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:05,749
Well, hello. Who is this?
207
00:11:06,028 --> 00:11:08,222
Come on, Coco, don't worry
about these mother[bleep].
208
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:09,883
That'th my bitch Coco.
209
00:11:09,996 --> 00:11:12,498
Oh, I forgot to tell y'all,
she's gonna be living here too.
210
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:14,918
Wow, okay, you got
your little friend here.
211
00:11:15,003 --> 00:11:16,503
- Yeah...
- Yeah, well you can...
212
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,239
She can play here
for a while, sure.
213
00:11:18,269 --> 00:11:19,572
- Puppy play date.
- Yeah.
214
00:11:19,685 --> 00:11:21,827
Play date?
We gonna have a [bleep] date.
215
00:11:21,912 --> 00:11:23,469
That's what we gonna have,
bitch.
216
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:24,918
Come here, bitch.
(sniffing)
217
00:11:25,003 --> 00:11:27,003
- Oh, are you...
- That's right
218
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,507
Oh, no, don't do that.
219
00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,564
- Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- Oh, dear.
220
00:11:30,621 --> 00:11:33,265
Get the [bleep] out of here. It's about
to get graphic in this bitch!
221
00:11:33,377 --> 00:11:35,859
- Oh boy.
- How come you don't do that with me?
222
00:11:35,972 --> 00:11:37,553
- Honey, I told you.
- He does it.
223
00:11:37,638 --> 00:11:39,555
I just want to keep
this area clean.
224
00:11:47,728 --> 00:11:49,534
♪ Baby, baby ♪
225
00:11:49,923 --> 00:11:52,888
♪ it looks like
we're back together ♪
226
00:11:53,635 --> 00:11:56,807
♪ And it's like
nothing had ever ♪
227
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,474
♪ Torn us apart ♪
228
00:12:02,357 --> 00:12:04,357
♪ Honey, honey ♪
229
00:12:04,635 --> 00:12:07,845
♪ We'll let bygones
be bygones ♪
230
00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:14,500
♪ Gonna have a fresh start ♪
231
00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:20,218
♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪
232
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,923
♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that ♪
233
00:12:25,395 --> 00:12:29,181
♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that hit that♪
234
00:12:29,239 --> 00:12:31,604
♪ And don't try to fight back ♪
235
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,039
♪ Your feelings ♪
236
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,312
♪ Sugar, sugar ♪
237
00:12:37,813 --> 00:12:40,716
♪ Just get into my car ♪
238
00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:44,218
♪ And I'll take you so far ♪
239
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:49,141
♪ From where anyone can see ♪
240
00:12:50,361 --> 00:12:52,608
♪ Lover, lover ♪
241
00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:55,616
♪ Let's just walk
and take it slow ♪
242
00:12:56,198 --> 00:12:59,219
♪ In crowded places
so they'll know ♪
243
00:13:00,272 --> 00:13:02,850
♪ That you're back with me ♪
244
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,451
♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪
245
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:12,684
♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that
hit that ♪
246
00:13:12,797 --> 00:13:14,604
♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit ♪
247
00:13:24,353 --> 00:13:28,075
I'm sorry.
It was an involutory reaction.
248
00:13:42,669 --> 00:13:44,585
We grew up in this area where...
249
00:13:44,948 --> 00:13:47,725
Okay, there was blaxploitation
in the '70s,
250
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:50,618
and then when I was growing up
it got into this zone where,
251
00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:53,630
like, all of a sudden, the black guy
wasn't the cool guy
252
00:13:53,715 --> 00:13:55,715
- in the action movie anymore.
- Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
253
00:13:55,772 --> 00:13:58,997
All of a sudden it was, like,
Mel Gibson was the [bleep] cool one.
254
00:13:59,126 --> 00:13:59,641
Right.
255
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:01,788
And Danny Glover had
to be like, you know...
256
00:14:01,873 --> 00:14:04,591
The fuddy-duddy family man,
like "Get away from my daughter."
257
00:14:04,621 --> 00:14:05,893
- Right.
- You know what I mean?
258
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:07,487
Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?
259
00:14:07,544 --> 00:14:10,268
My man Mel Gibson
would come in on Danny Glover
260
00:14:10,408 --> 00:14:12,408
and my man would be standing
in the middle of the bathroom
261
00:14:12,493 --> 00:14:14,187
just embarrassing
all black people.
262
00:14:15,882 --> 00:14:17,199
That's right.
263
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:19,200
Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?
264
00:14:19,230 --> 00:14:20,538
Stay there. Stay there.
265
00:14:20,623 --> 00:14:22,310
Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge.
What's going on?
266
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:25,320
Riggs, there's a bomb
267
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,516
on my [bleep].
268
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:32,068
Gmail is what I'm on now.
That's the uh...
269
00:14:32,208 --> 00:14:34,769
Okay, you get the most space
for attachments.
270
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:36,688
- Anyway.
- Thank you.
271
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,717
Feel free to hit me up
if you remember that number
272
00:14:38,774 --> 00:14:40,461
I noticed you ain't
write that down.
273
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,808
Damn, damn, damn.
That girl was fly, right?
274
00:14:45,865 --> 00:14:47,238
She all right.
275
00:14:47,272 --> 00:14:50,324
But did you see that Liam Neesons
movie with them wolves, though?
276
00:14:50,464 --> 00:14:53,008
The one with them big-assed
wolves and Liam Neesons in it?
277
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,204
Man, Liam Neesons is my [bleep]!
278
00:14:55,344 --> 00:14:57,344
Oh, Liam Neesons straight
jacked up them wolves, man.
279
00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:59,291
Man, he [bleep]
them wolves up, man.
280
00:14:59,328 --> 00:15:00,150
- Yeah.
- Shoot, man.
281
00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:02,185
Hey, and don't get even get me
started on that one
282
00:15:02,215 --> 00:15:03,558
where they took his daughter.
283
00:15:03,643 --> 00:15:06,475
Straight Tooken,
starring Liam Neesons!
284
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:10,324
Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like,
"I have a certain set of skills."
285
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,901
Man, don't [bleep]
with Liam Neesons!
286
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:13,787
No, don't even try and be Russian
around Liam Neesons.
287
00:15:13,844 --> 00:15:15,815
- He'll take your arm and...
- Put some fractures in it.
288
00:15:16,171 --> 00:15:17,972
They killing him, man.
And then...
289
00:15:18,057 --> 00:15:19,437
Oh, you see
the second one, though?
290
00:15:19,497 --> 00:15:21,497
In the second one,
the Russians come after him.
291
00:15:21,582 --> 00:15:23,245
And he [bleeps] them all up anyway.
292
00:15:23,275 --> 00:15:26,319
Tooken 2, starring
the incomparable Liam Neesons.
293
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:27,747
- Mm-hm.
- That's my [bleep].
294
00:15:27,777 --> 00:15:29,556
- What about Darkman, though?
- No, uh.
295
00:15:30,001 --> 00:15:31,838
What about Liam Neesons
in some Darkman, though?
296
00:15:31,951 --> 00:15:34,793
- No, man. [bleep].
- What about Darkman?
297
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,129
When Liam Neesons' face
was changing up, man?
298
00:15:37,242 --> 00:15:39,990
Homie was straight face-changing.
299
00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:42,528
Now that's just Liam Neesons
acting right there, man.
300
00:15:42,585 --> 00:15:46,531
Straight up, I kid you not.
Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.
301
00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:50,078
Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like,
Neesons already need to have a statue.
302
00:15:50,184 --> 00:15:52,184
- Liam Neesons ain't got no...
- He ain't got no statue...
303
00:15:52,241 --> 00:15:53,798
He ain't got a statue.
He ain't got a statue.
304
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,862
No, no, no.
305
00:15:58,271 --> 00:16:00,941
The Oscar goes to
Liam Neesons, Darkman.
306
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:02,891
- [bleep] face was changing.
- Mm-hm. Word!
307
00:16:02,937 --> 00:16:05,639
- How hard is that.
- It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.
308
00:16:05,669 --> 00:16:07,390
- Damn!
- It's stupid, man.
309
00:16:07,392 --> 00:16:09,088
Oh, oh! Battleship.
310
00:16:09,228 --> 00:16:11,228
Oooh!
311
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:17,380
Bat-tle-ship.
312
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,314
Oooh!
313
00:16:19,965 --> 00:16:22,598
- Battleship!
- Oooh! Whoo!
314
00:16:22,714 --> 00:16:25,536
Liam Neesons straight
killer a robot boat!
315
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:28,403
Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!
316
00:16:28,599 --> 00:16:30,094
Whoo!
317
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,855
But do you know who I like
as much as Neesons, though?
318
00:16:32,968 --> 00:16:34,968
As much as Neesons?
Who?
319
00:16:35,136 --> 00:16:36,425
Bruce Willy.
320
00:16:44,497 --> 00:16:46,355
Bruce Willy is my [bleep]!
321
00:16:46,495 --> 00:16:50,287
But what if they made a movie
with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?
322
00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:55,302
- Neesons and Willy?
- Willy and Neesons.
323
00:16:55,304 --> 00:16:57,304
Harder, man. Harder!
324
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,417
That would be...
325
00:17:00,055 --> 00:17:02,829
My sheeeeeeeee...
326
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:10,620
- I don't know why.
- Oh, man.
327
00:17:10,705 --> 00:17:12,563
Why do we love
Liam Neeson so much?
328
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:15,492
Yo, you know what you gotta...
[bleep] Schindler's List, mother[bleep],
329
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,336
Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you
what's off the hook, though, dog?
330
00:17:18,366 --> 00:17:20,983
Ethan Frome, that's
my jam right there.
331
00:17:21,068 --> 00:17:22,844
You ain't gone to the movies unless
you've seen Husbands and Wives.
332
00:17:23,344 --> 00:17:25,344
[bleep] Woody Allen, mother[bleep].
Woody Allen.
333
00:17:30,169 --> 00:17:32,169
So, Steve Jobs.
this is like, the...
334
00:17:32,309 --> 00:17:34,309
We're right aroung the
year anniversary of his death.
335
00:17:34,339 --> 00:17:36,035
- Mm-hm.
- Pioneer. Technological pioneer.
336
00:17:36,065 --> 00:17:37,628
- Can we agree on that?
- Yes.
337
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:43,189
Anybody lose their [bleep] iPad?
You lost it?
338
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,387
- I did.
- Where did you lose it?
339
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:46,546
Oakland, California.
340
00:17:46,576 --> 00:17:49,109
- Oh, in Oakland.
- In Oakland. Okay.
341
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,194
Oh, so you're never getting it
back then.
342
00:17:52,269 --> 00:17:53,694
That's out of the question.
343
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:57,051
My friend, you didn't lose it.
Your ass got jacked, my friend.
344
00:17:57,108 --> 00:17:58,463
That's right.
345
00:18:04,301 --> 00:18:06,107
Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready?
346
00:18:06,192 --> 00:18:08,080
- Good. I'm good.
- Okay.
347
00:18:08,193 --> 00:18:10,141
Really gonna need you
to stick to the script on this one.
348
00:18:10,198 --> 00:18:13,039
I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
349
00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:14,762
Please stop comparing me
to Steve Jobs!
350
00:18:14,819 --> 00:18:17,234
No, but nobody's comparing you
to Steve Jobs, okay?
351
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:19,043
We just want you
to focus on the products.
352
00:18:19,156 --> 00:18:21,156
And please stick to the script.
Okay.
353
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,749
You're on in three...
354
00:18:22,772 --> 00:18:25,223
They're gonna forget they ever heard
the name "Steve Jobs".
355
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:28,359
What up, Apple people?
356
00:18:29,831 --> 00:18:30,859
Yeah!
357
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:33,055
Yeah!
358
00:18:33,941 --> 00:18:36,302
Well, now, the first thing
that I'm gonna do
359
00:18:36,609 --> 00:18:39,487
is T.O.T.S.
360
00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:42,934
"Throw Out
The Script."
361
00:18:45,606 --> 00:18:49,155
Now, I'm supposed
to come out here
362
00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:52,980
and tell you about
some bull[bleep] new iPhone,
363
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,065
pad, dick, pussy [bleep]!
364
00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:57,150
You've seen it!
365
00:18:57,539 --> 00:18:58,473
Boring!
366
00:18:59,831 --> 00:19:02,364
Yes!
That's exactly it.
367
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:06,933
Now, let's just say
this table right here...
368
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,988
Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?!
369
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:13,298
Yeah!
370
00:19:17,652 --> 00:19:19,652
That's what I'm talking about.
371
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,521
And let's say
that this
372
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:26,868
is our competitor's
new smartphone.
373
00:19:29,564 --> 00:19:30,959
How about that?
Huh? What?
374
00:19:34,843 --> 00:19:37,333
I am a major donkey dick.
375
00:19:37,446 --> 00:19:39,446
Whoo! Right?
376
00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:42,029
- And let's say that this right here...
- Hey!
377
00:19:42,142 --> 00:19:44,252
this is one of our competitor's
378
00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:46,393
new e-book reader, huh?
379
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:48,949
What about that?
What? Uh-oh.
380
00:19:49,559 --> 00:19:52,725
Tut-tut.
Wook's wike wain!
381
00:19:53,419 --> 00:19:54,970
Haaaa!
382
00:19:57,272 --> 00:19:59,272
Whoo! Whoo!
383
00:20:03,948 --> 00:20:05,275
Yeah!
384
00:20:06,377 --> 00:20:07,747
All right!
385
00:20:08,077 --> 00:20:09,251
Yes!
386
00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:12,559
Who wants to see some of that
classified next-level [bleep]? Huh?
387
00:20:13,744 --> 00:20:15,998
Did Steve ever show you
that classified [bleep]?
388
00:20:16,111 --> 00:20:17,171
No, he didn't.
389
00:20:17,339 --> 00:20:19,339
You can't do that.
They haven't been tested yet.
390
00:20:19,396 --> 00:20:22,908
This device will allow you
to teleport anywhere
391
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:25,408
on the planet.
Check this out!
392
00:20:25,576 --> 00:20:27,576
I am the Future!
393
00:20:37,104 --> 00:20:38,309
Whoo!
394
00:20:38,809 --> 00:20:40,809
Let's see Steve Jobs do that!
395
00:20:52,495 --> 00:20:54,495
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
396
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:01,385
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
397
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:03,553
Oh, yeah!
31025
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof