Original subtitles

Still no Connor, huh?

He hasn't been out of his room all day.

-Oh, poor guy. -He'll be down when he's ready.

Well, you sure he's still up there? My sister runs away all the time.

Yeah, I don't think he can run away from home at twenty-seven.

I wouldn't know, all of my children are still here.

He didn't run away. I heard him moving around.

You were listening at his door?

It's called parenting and I'm good at it!

-I'll check on him after dinner. -Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

Hold on. What are you gonna say?

Don't know. I don't usually think about stuff before I say it.

We're working on that.

-Remember, he's in a vulnerable place. -I know.

And don't bad-mouth Chloe because if they get back together you look like a jerk.

Like this one did with Georgie.

That was different. I also said those things to his face.

We're working on that.

And don't say nice things about Chloe either.

We don't want him trying to get her back.

Y'all, I've been dumped before, I know how bad it feels.

Oh, my God, I married you and gave you a baby. Move on.

-Yes? -It's Georgie. I brought you some food.

No, thanks.

Are you sure? It's meatloaf.

-The end piece? -All burnt and chewy.

-Thanks. -Hold on.

What?

I was thinking we could hang out and talk a bit.

-I'd rather not. -Wasn't really asking.

I just want you to know I get what you're going through.

You do?

When your sister broke up with me, it hurt like hell.

I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep.

I couldn't even turn on Baywatch.

And they just added Yasmine Bleeth.

Well, I feel like...

Hold on.

Hi. I was just...

Okay, talk to me.

Everything was good, but when she thought she was pregnant, it all changed.

Been there.

She didn't see me as a struggling musician anymore.

Suddenly, I was a guy without a job

who lives with his parents and can barely take care of himself.

-You don't know that. -She said those actual words.

Yeah. And it's not like she has her life together. Her music's not going anywhere.

Her family doesn't talk to her.

You've got every right to be upset.

I'm gonna call her and tell her how I feel.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't wanna do that.

Why not? I'm hurting, why shouldn't she?

Trust me, there's no version of you making her feel guilty that goes your way.

But it'll feel so good.

Bro, I'm tellin' you, you've got to ride this one out.

I don't know if I can.

Whatever you wanna say to her, say to me.

-That's silly. -Try it, it might make you feel better.

Fine.

How could you do this? You said you loved me.

Keep goin'.

I trusted you, and you turn around and break my heart.

Let it out.

We wrote songs together. I introduced you to my family.

We had mind-blowing monkey sex every day for a month.

And it's out.

I hate to see him like this.

Heartbreak's just a part of growing up.

You know, there was a time we didn't know if he'd even have friends,

let alone a girlfriend.

And look at what she did to him.

He saw a naked woman, take the win.

How can you put a positive spin on this?

Well, you know, we thought he might be alone forever. Instead there was a girl.

He had a pregnancy scare.

Or... He had a pregnancy scare!

Not funny.

This is a good thing, Audrey.

You know, it's-it's kinda like Pinocchio. He's becoming a real boy.

So what was he before?

This is a good thing, Audrey.

-Hey. -What? What the hell?

What if I call her? But I promise to stay calm.

Dude, we've been over this. You've got to be strong.

-I feel like I'm going crazy. -I'm so sorry.

-Thank you. -Now get out.

-But I'm hurting. -I know. Get out.

Why don't we let her sleep and you and me watch a movie? Get your mind off things.

-What're you thinking? -It's hard to be sad watching Jim Carrey.

I don't know if I'm in the mood for a comedy.

Stephen King? Cujo, Shining, Pet Sematary?

You know, I heard Shawshank Redemption is Stephen King.

-You don't say. -Oh, my God, get out!

Are you sure I shouldn't see Rocky One, Two, and Three first?

Nah. Four's really when the series finds itself.

Fine! I don't wanna talk to you anymore either!

You were right. I shouldn't have called her.

You called?

Adrian flew to Russia to support Rocky, and I believed in love again.

-I told you it would make things worse. -I couldn't help it.

-Where's your backbone, man? -I'm doing my best.

If you're not gonna listen to me, leave me out of it.

-What is going on out here? -He called her.

-You called her? -I called her.

-Why would you do that? -I told him not to.

How many times am I gonna get woken up over this?

-He called her. -Why would you do that?

Don't be mean to him.

Okay, CeeCee, it's time to play "put the toys away."

Can you help Mommy?

Sorry, you're busy. Why don't you get back to me?

-Hello. -What's up?

-Can you help me make a resume? -Why?

I need to get my life together.

Okay. Pick up all this crap and I'll go get the laptop.

Sure. Come on, CeeCee, help Uncle Connor.

-Have you ever made a resume before? -I've never seen a resume before.

Okay. Well, here's mine. We can use it as a template.

-You type seventy-five words a minute? -Do you want my help or not?

You have so much experience. I have none.

That's okay. Let's just start with education.

-You graduated high school. -Barely.

-You went to college. -I crashed and burned in six weeks.

Well, that's way more than Georgie and he runs a business.

Are you trying to make me feel worse?

Okay. What about skills?

-You play like every instrument. -And look how far it's gotten me.

I even suck at girls. And that's the one thing musicians are good at.

Okay, let's at least put down your phone number.

What? So my mommy can answer when they call?

All right, new plan. Day drinking.

That is the time-honored refuge of the downtrodden.

Yep, and another thing musicians are really good at.

I remember when me and my first boyfriend broke up.

-Was that Dan? -You remember him?

He used to call me Con-nerd.

Yeah, he was great.

-What's going on here? -I'm drinking my problems away.

Isn't it a little early?

What's in your hand?

Cheers.

Have you ever dealt with anything like this?

A breakup? Sure.

Really? You and Mom broke up?

I wasn't only with your mother. I had a life. I sowed my oats.

Hey, it wasn't for my oats you wouldn't be here.

So who was she?

It was Pamela Jenkowski.

She was two years older than me in all the right places.

Used to walk her home from school.

Carried her books and gave her my class ring to wear.

Then her dad got transferred and they moved away.

Yeah, well, you know, we promised we'd write,

but one letter a week turned into one letter a month,

and finally I got a box in the mail with my ring in it

and a note that said she'd

met someone else.

But I'm over it.

And here's your keys.

-Thanks. -Oh, you like Pearl Jam?

-Yeah. -Cool.

I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a boyfriend?

-You're asking me out? -No, no. I'm married.

But my brother-in-law is single, and he loves music.

I saw Pearl Jam a couple years ago.

-In Denton? -Yeah.

-I was at that show. -So good.

-What are you doing? -It's called customer service.

-You're hitting on her. -You're hitting on her.

For Connor. Great guy. More hair than this one.

I'm gonna go now.

Can I at least get your number?

Or can I?

Congratulations. You scared her off.

-She'll be back. -How do you know?

She got a Subaru with a hundred-and- eighty-thousand miles on it. She needs me.

Yeah! Drink, sucka.

Why are you so good at this?

Six years of college, sucka.

What is going on?

Mandy's showing us what she learned in college.

That Dad paid for, 'cause he's a what?

Sucka.

So, this is your plan? Get him drunk?

Dad was actually telling me about the first time he got dumped.

Pamela Jenkowski.

You're just jealous 'cause she took my flower.

How much have you had to drink? And who's watching CeeCee?

Oh, relax, Captain Buzzkill. I dropped her off at Mary's on the beer run.

-I'm not Captain Buzzkill. -Great. Here you go.

-There's a ping-pong ball in this. -Oops, sorry.

-So did anyone ever break your heart? -Actually, I've never been dumped.

-Lame! -Boring!

Hey! Just because I did the breaking up doesn't mean it was easy.

It's hard to be that person too.

-Lame! -Boring!

Drink, drink, drink, drink.

-What's going on? -Beer pong. You're on my team.

-Who's watching the baby? -She's at your mother's, Captain Buzzkill.

Here you go.

-Ooh, you know what we should do? -Order pizza?

No. Well, yes.

But also box up everything that Chloe left in your room

and set it on fire.

Yeah. Screw that bitch.

Hold on. Let's all take a little break. Nobody's setting anything on fire.

It's official. You married a dork.

This is so nice, getting drunk as a family.

-Thank you for today. -Don't thank me. Thank Lone Star.

-I know what I need to do now. -You try and call her, I will kill you.

No, I'm gonna buckle down and focus on my music.

-Good for you. -Oh, are you gonna start a band?

-Or teach? -Better.

I'm gonna write some songs and send them to Doctor Demento.

And he is... a psychiatrist?

He's a DJ. He plays all kinds of cool underground stuff on his show.

I'm sorry.

The plan to turn your life around is sending a tape to someone named Demento?

Doctor Demento.

Didn't mean to diminish his medical degree.

I need to get to work.

He's gonna live here forever.

Or... He's gonna live here forever!

Is that the song?

Sounding good, Bubba.

No, this is just a little pump-up music I wrote

to get myself psyched to write the song.

-Oh, like Rocky's training music. -Exactly.

-I finished my song. -Play it, play it.

It's called "Do the Axolotl."

I'm already confused.

An axle what?

An Axolotl. It's a Mexican salamander.

Do the Axolotl

Coughing up blood on the side of the road

I've been run over by a heavy load

But life's no issue

When I regenerate my tissue

Do the axolotl

More confused.

It's about the breakup.

H-How is this about the breakup?

I-I did some research, and it turns out

an axolotl is one of the few creatures on Earth that can regenerate its own heart.

That's what I'm hoping to do.

-W-Why didn't you say that in the song? -I did. Were you even listening?

Come on, do it Do the Axolotl

It's so good, sweetie.

So you get it?

Come on dance your pants off

It's so good, sweetie.

"Do the Axolotl."

Do the Axolotl

Coughing up blood on the side of the road

I've been run over by a heavy load

Catchy!

But life's no issue When I regenerate my tissue

Do the Axolotl

I like it.